Boyfriend defended me in a fight but seeing him like that has freaked me out!

[preraph]

For chronic adult offenders, the average IQ is 85. A study of Texas inmates who entered the prison system in 2002 indicated that approximately 23% of the inmates scored below 80, almost 69% scored between 80 and 109, and only 9.6% scored above 110 (Ellis & Walsh, 2003).

 

So a whole lot of criminals have an intellectual deficit. It doesn't make them safe to deal with. Just the opposite.

[preraph]

what? a cop shot the security guard, not the perp ? why?

 

Because police aren't psychic.

[Springsummer]

Because police aren't psychic.

 

ha? he had his security vest on. so police can just shoot anyone blindly? oh...maybe because he is black so therefore must be a perp?

[preraph]

^ Really? You know, even with a vest, you can get broken ribs or get hit in the head or groin. And not everything is about race. In fact, police are just about the most diverse organizations in our country. It's not like all police are white. And it's not like all police are racist. And it's not like all whites are racist. But assuming everything is about race -- that's racist.

[ThaWholigan]

what? a cop shot the security guard, not the perp ? why?

Because he was black!

[carhill]

My apologies to the OP for posting an example which started a threadjack. Plenty of free real estate to start a discussion on that as appropriate.

 

I don't know the details completely but my bet is the whole encounter, all of it, was males. That's what males do. The OP got an early wakeup call as to her boyfriend's male proclivities. Now she has good information to act on and, as appropriate, discuss with him. Personally I hope they work things out and feel positive about getting through this difficult experience. Teamwork

[bathtub-row]

Holy smoke ...what do we Canadian do then as people generally don't have a gun?

 

I don’t have a gun but I believe everyone has a right to one and the right to defend themselves with one I’d they so choose. I have been very lucky in my life and have never been subjected to any type of violence but that doesn’t mean I have blinders on. You make it sound like Canada is immune to crime and I’m finding that very difficult to believe.

[Victoria]

Closing this up unless the OP has something else to add....I believe everyone else has had their say in the matter.

 

 

-----Reopened per thread starter request ------ ~W

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reopened thread

[C.RileyRiles]

So.. I sort of broached the subject a bit with him.

 

 

I didn't really know what to say, I just told him that I know he knows I've been a little off since last week happened, and then literally I barely got the half of my next sentence out before I just burst into tears, proper crying. I think he was really spun out because I'll tear up easily enough but I'm not a proper crier! I think it was just everything really, the event itself that maybe I haven't acknowledged enough, the fact that having to witness him like that did spook me, and on top of all that the fact that this past week I've felt under so much pressure regarding our relationship i didn't know whether to say anything to him, I felt guilty for feeling this way, i felt like maybe I was creating a distance between us. I don't know its just been a really awful week and I've been pretending like everything's okay and I just, can't.

 

Anyway, best laid plans and all that! I didn't say half of what i'd poured over and planned in my head because I just couldn't stop crying and the words just tumbled out.

 

He didn't say a lot for a long while, he just comforted me really, and weirdly, I did feel better! I think maybe just from letting it out, and being able to tell him everything in my head the was I normally would.

Then we we're just snuggled on the sofa a couple of hours later and he just kissed my head and said "I'm really really sorry if I scared you babe, I just wanted to keep you safe"

 

Which I know, I know that's what he wanted, I know he was scared. It's just a LOT to process.

We are from such different worlds, the most violent thing I think I'd witnessed up till now was a purposely nasty thrown elbow on the netball court. Whereas he told me his first experience of real violence resulted in him waking up in a pool of his own blood at 12 years old, because he tried to defend his dad! 12 years only! That blows my mind!

At 16 he had to run to his older half brothers side when he was stabbed, and he sat by his hospital bed, and luckily he did pull through.

He never ever talks about this stuff, but talking to him about it does help me understand, I get it.

 

He said "I'm not scared of getting hurt, or in trouble, but I am terrified of losing anybody else that I love"!

That sentiment does make sense to me, AND matches much better with the man I know than him just being violent for the sake!

[C.RileyRiles]

Can you imagine someone who committed animal cruelty will be kind and loving to another human? or even 'loved' ones? I can't.

Omg he'd never hurt an animal! You should see him with my old cat, its his baby haha! He wont even kill a woodlouse!

 

It was not a hollywood movie where the hero pummeled the bad guy "just the right amount" in a choreographed scene.

Yeah that makes sense i guess! Maybe thats my problem! The only violence ive seen before has been of the Hollywood variety!

 

As shared earlier, men compartmentalize. IFF. Identify friend or foe. A girlfriend is a friend. A man threatening bodily harm or death is a foe. Easy distinction to draw. Men do it every day.

Yeah totally! I think for him it really is that simple!

 

He's so sweet, and easyyy, cheeky and lovable with me, and with them, in that moment, he was steely and aggressive and unrelenting.

He seems to be able to switch between the to quite easily!

 

And he went too far. It's good he defended, but what is concerning is the same thing that concerned OP and the friends: He couldn't stop. Overkill. He didn't just do enough to get rid of them and then call police. He had to be stopped. That's not good. That's uncontrolled.

This is what worries me. I'm not concerned about him hurt me, I'm really not. It wasnt even the mugger i was concerned about particularly. - It was my bf I was worried about! It was uncontrolled and I felt worried for him seeing him like that!

[bathtub-row]

Your talk with him has actually caused my eyes to tear up. The two of you seem to be very sweet together and what a great guy to not instantly defend himself or get annoyed at you for your reaction. Despite the differences between you, I think you’re both lucky to have found one another. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a different type of guy but there are many - even the ones who grew up on your side of the tracks - who would not react in the way your bf did when you told him how you felt. He seems to be extremely loving and cares so much about you. I’m glad you told him how you felt because you should always feel safe in talking to him.

[Springsummer]

wow....the update of OP tears me up too. You two just seems so so sweet and to each other.

 

but please, still realize that the robber might be like OP's BF who grew up in a bad environment and that's why he acted the ways he did.

 

The robber was the 12 yrs old OP's BF. It's a cycle of violence. You can get someone out of the ghetto, but you can't get the ghetto out of that person. We are pretty much influenced by our environment and the people around us. It is true for me, but at least now I have the wisdom to recognize that and my shortcomings.

[Gaeta]

I am glad you opened up and you were heard. You have a good guy there

[Andy_K]

It's great that you've sorted everything out here, but I'm going to take the minority view here that what your boyfriend did, whilst brave, was not ideal.

 

The two guys weren't threatening your life. They were petty thieves. They wanted your purses, and the threat of violence was just to get you to cooperate. Your boyfriend started the violence and put his own life in danger to stop them. Suppose they'd both had knives and been a little more prepared for his attack? He could easily have ended up in hospital... or worse. News sites are not short on stories of exactly this happening.

 

Personally I think putting your own or anyone else's life in danger to save, at best, a few hundred dollars, is pure stupidity. But you're welcome to see it as heroic.

[sabaton]

I'm 25, my boyfriend (I'll change his name to Luke) is 26, we've been together 20 months, living together for 5. He's the love of my life without a shadow of a doubt.<snip>

 

Your boyfriend risked his life to protect and you're bothered by it???

 

if it was me in your boyfriend's position I would have left you there and I would have taken off. No offense, I'm sure you are a lovely lady, but I only have one life and if I die protecting a girlfriend or a wife it's not like she's going to join a monastery and never again be touched by another man, you know?

 

The fact that your boyfriend risked life and limb to protect you against not one, but two guys should be more than enough of a sign that the guy cares about you deeply.

 

If I was a woman and if I was you - you can be sure I'd be proposing this guy to marry me.

Edited November 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote of staring post

[elaine567]

Your boyfriend risked his life to protect and you're bothered by it???

 

if it was me in your boyfriend's position I would have left you there and I would have taken off. No offense, I'm sure you are a lovely lady, but I only have one life and if I die protecting a girlfriend or a wife it's not like she's going to join a monastery and never again be touched by another man, you know?

 

The fact that your boyfriend risked life and limb to protect you against not one, but two guys should be more than enough of a sign that the guy cares about you deeply.

 

If I was a woman and if I was you - you can be sure I'd be proposing this guy to marry me.

 

 

Read the updates.

[bathtub-row]

It's great that you've sorted everything out here, but I'm going to take the minority view here that what your boyfriend did, whilst brave, was not ideal.

 

The two guys weren't threatening your life. They were petty thieves. They wanted your purses, and the threat of violence was just to get you to cooperate. Your boyfriend started the violence and put his own life in danger to stop them. Suppose they'd both had knives and been a little more prepared for his attack? He could easily have ended up in hospital... or worse. News sites are not short on stories of exactly this happening.

 

Personally I think putting your own or anyone else's life in danger to save, at best, a few hundred dollars, is pure stupidity. But you're welcome to see it as heroic.

 

If going into overdrive to defend the one he loves is this guy’s biggest fault, I say let it go. We all screw up in one way or another. Overall, he seems like a very good guy and, while I think he could’ve been less forceful, this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me given his overall character.

[Gaeta]

The two guys weren't threatening your life. They were petty thieves.

We don't know. They might have been looking for money to buy their next fix and we know drug addicts in withdrawal have killed for a few bucks. They also had weapons on them, so somewhere, somehow, they were ready to use them if necessary.

[WomenWubber]

It's great that you've sorted everything out here, but I'm going to take the minority view here that what your boyfriend did, whilst brave, was not ideal.

 

The two guys weren't threatening your life. They were petty thieves. They wanted your purses, and the threat of violence was just to get you to cooperate. Your boyfriend started the violence and put his own life in danger to stop them. Suppose they'd both had knives and been a little more prepared for his attack? He could easily have ended up in hospital... or worse. News sites are not short on stories of exactly this happening.

 

Personally I think putting your own or anyone else's life in danger to save, at best, a few hundred dollars, is pure stupidity. But you're welcome to see it as heroic.

 

Where I'm from, most "thieves" are willing to stab/shoot a victim even if they don't resist. Beating a human being half to death is just a day in the office for them, they don't give a flying ****.

 

I don't know about the US tho, since I have never been robbed in my time here. My point is yea what this guy did may have not been heroic or commendable, but damn he's a human being whose loved one was under deadly threat in his eyes. As someone who has had a gun put to my head, I can say that panic can make you do crazy ****. Or "stupidity" as you put it... wish I had nerves of steel.

[Kitty Tantrum]

The idea that a person ought to be able to engage with an ARMED ATTACKER in a calm, collected, calculated way; only delivering EXACTLY as much force as is necessary to prevent the attacker from hurting someone else but without actually harming the attacker...

 

Possibly one of the most ridiculous ideas I've seen presented anywhere. Almost as ridiculous as the notion that the armed attacker doesn't deserve a thorough beatdown in the first place. Injury and death are risks inherent to violent criminal behavior. Violent criminals do not deserve to be protected from the natural consequences of their own actions.

 

I've been in just enough "flight or fight" types of situations to know that I'm not the sort to run away. Thankfully I've never had to defend against a serious threat to my life or the life of someone I love. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't be worrying about the attacker's well-being. The adrenaline response when faced with a physical threat doesn't really allow for that higher-level "gray area moral calculation" sort of thought. There's a good reason for this: hesitation can kill you.

 

Your boyfriend did good. He didn't "go too far."

 

If he'd had the guy lying on the ground, incapacitated, threat clearly neutralized, and had time to calm down and clear his head and assess the situation, and THEN started beating the guy AGAIN - that would be going too far. That would be cold-blooded. But I can pretty much guarantee you he did not make a conscious decision to continue beating the guy past the point that he "needed to" - he was simply not in any condition to be aware of where that point was.

 

It's not reasonable to judge the boyfriend's actions as though he were operating with the sort of objective and retrospective clarity that we have when analyzing the incident later from the safety of our keyboards.

 

I think he sounds like a keeper.

[Springsummer]

The convenient store in my neighborhood had been robbed(maybe a few times? so, no, Canada is not immune from crime). One time my father was there.

 

The owner/s just let the robbers took whatever they want. and the owners were never harmed physically.

 

and that's what the police advise. They just want your money, not your life. If you try to resist, you surely will get harmed. and hundreds of dollar is not worth your life.

[C.RileyRiles]

Despite the differences between you, I think you’re both lucky to have found one another. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a different type of guy but there are many - even the ones who grew up on your side of the tracks - who would not react in the way your bf did when you told him how you felt.

Oh for sure!! I've had past relationships that were nothing like what I have with him! Its corny to say he's me best friend, but he really is. I think hes always so solid and steady, he's got this incredibly relaxed self assurance, he doesnt need to prove anything or flap his tail feathers the way a lot of guys do, and I think thats why the other weekend was such a shock for me, because i dont think ive ever seen him lose control of his emotion like that

 

but please, still realize that the robber might be like OP's BF who grew up in a bad environment and that's why he acted the ways he did.

The robber was the 12 yrs old OP's BF. It's a cycle of violence.

Oh god they werent that young! Youngish like 19, not 12! Hammer guy must of been like 6'1 but he was thin, the knife guy was shorter but built! They werent little kids!

I know my bf wasn't an angel growing up, he did things he should, but he didnt mug people.

Of course you have to sympathise with the child! I sympathise with 12 year old boy who got beat to a pulp in his own home, trying to defend his dad who was dealing! I sympathise with the choices that child makes.

But not if he stays that way, there has to be a cut off point. As we become adults we have to make our own path. We have to break that cycle or accept the consequences of taking our place in it!

I dont believe the consequences should be violent, because thats just not me, but the sympathy for the reasons behind the actions begins to fade!

 

It's great that you've sorted everything out here, but I'm going to take the minority view here that what your boyfriend did, whilst brave, was not ideal.

I get his reasoning, but it still isnt the way that I qould deal with the situation. I think, however, that our opinions will always differ on that - maybe its a product of our environments, maybe its personality, who knows!

[Beachead]

A lot of people in the world today in relationships/marriages talk about how much they love eachother and what they would do for one another. Then things get rough and very real and you find them often bailing and abandoning eachother.

 

Your boyfriend is not that person. When push came to shove, he saved your life. It's raw and real and it has shown you the lengths he'd go for you. It shows how much he loves you. I think that scares you because it makes this relationship very real..that this guy is ready to die for you. Makes you question your own conviction.

 

I think your freaking out has more to do with this. And if I'm right about that, then you need to evaluate yourself and what you want from your relationship.

 

This is what people who truly care about one another do for eachother.

[Kitty Tantrum]

The convenient store in my neighborhood had been robbed(maybe a few times? so, no, Canada is not immune from crime). One time my father was there.

 

The owner/s just let the robbers took whatever they want. and the owners were never harmed physically.

 

and that's what the police advise. They just want your money, not your life. If you try to resist, you surely will get harmed. and hundreds of dollar is not worth your life.

 

I'd surrender my material possessions before picking a fight, for sure. But if, for example, I saw a would-be mugger cornering and threatening my child in an alley... totally different situation. I wouldn't be hanging back, I wouldn't be wasting time trying to assess the situation and what the best possible course of action would be. There wouldn't even be any conscious decision-making. I'd be charging that SOB full-on to get them the hell away from my child RIGHT NOW.

[C.RileyRiles]

The idea that a person ought to be able to engage with an ARMED ATTACKER in a calm, collected, calculated way; only delivering EXACTLY as much force as is necessary to prevent the attacker from hurting someone else but without actually harming the attacker...

Yeah that does make sense. He was forceful, but I was probably naive too, so its swings and roundabouts!

 

If he'd had the guy lying on the ground, incapacitated, threat clearly neutralized, and had time to calm down and clear his head and assess the situation, and THEN started beating the guy AGAIN - that would be going too far. That would be cold-blooded. But I can pretty much guarantee you he did not make a conscious decision to continue beating the guy past the point that he "needed to" - he was simply not in any condition to be aware of where that point was.

Yeah. I think this is it as well! I could see how bad a way the guy he had hold of was in, I could see the damage....my boyfriend couldn't! But maybe he was just too close to be able to see it! He deserves the benfit of the doubt from me I think