Boyfriend defended me in a fight but seeing him like that has freaked me out!

[Springsummer]

THIS. You can't assume that the other person in a fight intends to do anything but kill you. My husband leads the security force for our community. He and one of his friends teach that in a fight, you have to intend to kill (even if you don't, in the end) because if you don't have that as your intention, you will be surprised by your opponent and you might not survive. You can't hold back, you can't be nice. You have to accept that your actions can and will lead to someone's death. By the descriptions in this thread, the BF did exactly the right thing.

 

Holy smoke. Ganhdi said an eye for an eye makes the world blind. Now, we are an eye for a threat? It's a violent cycle.

 

No, have never been in a fight, not even a cat fight and have never experienced attempt rape. why would anyone want to kill me? I guess because I grew up in a country that no civilian owns a gun and violent and rape are rarely heard of. my current country, Canada is generally quite peaceful as well, unlike south of the border.

 

Now, I am quite hesitate visiting south of the border for a vacation.

 

My countries just have more trust, faith, love and compassion of another human being, I guess?

 

I have never considered a career in boxing, security and military even when I was unemployed. They are just not my things.

[HiCrunchy]

Holy smoke. Ganhdi said an eye for an eye makes the world blind. Now, we are an eye for a threat? It's a violent cycle.

 

The eye for an eye quote is about getting revenge to "rectify" some injustice that has already occurred, like revenge. It has nothing to do really with the situation the OP was experiencing, something happening in the moment. By fighting off the attacker, the op wasn't trying to right a wrong, but rather protect themselves and SO from danger. It is not a violent cycle, because OP wouldn't have fought the other person otherwise.

 

 

No, have never been in a fight, not even a cat fight and have never experienced attempt rape. why would anyone want to kill me? I guess because I grew up in a country that no civilian owns a gun and violent and rape are rarely heard of. my current country, Canada is generally quite peaceful as well, unlike south of the border.

<snip>

 

Okay so since you personally haven't experienced being in a fight, or attempted rape or other violence means other Canadians haven't experienced it. Canada is a perfectly safe heaven where those things never ever happen? Violence and murder only happen in the USA I guess... I wonder how other Canadians feel about the being rape victims, or being caught in any violence. I guess its all in their heads.

 

This isn't about where you live, it's about a primal instinct (fight, flight or freeze) that kicks in when you are in danger. Everyone has this instinct. Believe it or not, being violent or even committing murder is possible for all humans, all we need is the right circumstances. You are not above that either, none of us are.

Edited November 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ThaWholigan]

You had a visceral reaction. I can understand that, I'm not a particularly violent person either and seeing someone react violently in a situation where you know another side to the person can be quite a stomach churning experience. However, you seem to understand that it's just a feeling or a thought.

 

 

 

Sometimes we can go too far aswell when it comes to responding aggressively. I'd imagine where your BF has grown up he's probably had to respond ruthlessly in such a manner in order to prove and protect himself. It can be difficult to overstand if you've never experienced that type of life, even if you logically know that's why he's the way he is. The fact is, had he never acted the way he did, that situation could have ended up worse. It may have been excessive but it's a pretty intense situation and sometimes violence may be necessary.

 

 

 

Honestly, I think you'll get over it. It's unlikely that you guys will encounter a situation where violence will present itself regularly so I don't think it's a feeling that you'll have to deal with. Maybe some communication on avoiding future scenarios where it might be a factor in case you don't want to have to witness your BF engaging in violence might be fruitful - although, as I said, such an incident as explained above is as unlikely as it is relatively unavoidable depending on circumstance.

[major_merrick]

This isn't about where you live, it's about a primal instinct (fight, flight or freeze) that kicks in when you are in danger. Everyone has this instinct. Believe it or not, being violent or even committing murder is possible for all humans, all we need is the right circumstances. You are not above that either, none of us are.

 

Yep. Although, I'm starting to think that it gets trained/bred out of some people. Like leftists from foreign countries, maybe? It must be nice to live in such a peaceful wonderful place that you never have to think about it. Then again, it might be boring. As much as I struggled growing up in poverty and violence, it made me who I am. I wouldn't want to change that. I have very little use for trust/love/compassion for people who try to hurt me. I'm glad I have my primal instinct, and my husband's primal instinct is one of the big things that attracts me to him. Feral at heart, I guess.

Edited November 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

It's never a question of whether the bf should depend OP. Believe me, a man doesn't defend me in situation like this, I don't think he is a man at all. and no way in hell I can be with him any more.

 

The guy was trying to run away. at this point there is no danger to the OP anymore. but he still beat the life out of him.

 

Folks like you are always 100% right - after the fact. And often the first ones to complain when someone doesn’t act quickly or thoroughly enough.

 

Decisions made in real time, when welfare or life is in danger, don’t have the luxury of next day review. That’s why, at least in this country, the law places the preponderance of blame on the person committing the crime...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I think it's absolutely right of him to incapacitate someone who is a threat to you. But to continue the assault after the threat is incapacitated is a step too far.

 

Do you have laws pertaining to 'undue force' there?

[WomenWubber]

OP your shock is understandable, but make an effort to see this from your bf's side. Your life was under threat... he could have run, stay put, but he chose to fight. It may not be heroic, but honestly what would you rather he did? Call the cops and wait while you getting robbed, battered or even raped?

 

To all the pacifists who say he beat the **** out of that dude --> he's an evil pos. I don't think you have ever in your life been cornered into a fight. When it's on it's on, your instincts take over and for good reason. Why the **** would you stop before completely incapacitating your foe and risk being backstabbed or shot? You NEVER take chances in a street fight, it's literally kill or be killed.

[bathtub-row]

I, too, can understand your reaction at seeing your bf relentlessly pummel someone who was trying to escape. But from your bf’s point of view, that guy was only trying to get away because he had met his match. Had he not, he would’ve possibly killed your bf and raped you. While a person may back off while they’re defeated, it doesn’t mean they deserve mercy. Your bf could’ve well been imaging what those guys could’ve done to you and he was out to elimate the threat.

 

As women, most of us wince at violence of any kind. However, understand that it exists and that men, in particular, are physically designed with strength in order to protect those they care about. I think if you let some time go by, you’ll be able to process this differently. You see him as having been out of control - and he may have been - but that’s a part of his instinct. Be very careful about making him feel bad about what he did. Too many women try to emasculate men and it’s really not a good thing to do. Most men would’ve reacted in exactly the same way that your bf did. Each sex is wired differently for different reasons. And even in our much less violent society than the cave man days, a man’s strength is still needed.

Edited November 12, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Springsummer]

I thought it's against the law in any civil society to use unreasonable force in either law enforcement or self defense???

 

I just checked, at least in Canada, it's written in the Criminal Code.

 

isn't that what differentiate a civil society from a police state?

 

If it's not unreasonable force in this case, I don't know what else is.

[Gretchen12]

This was not a playground fight. This was a combat with threat to life. If you decide to engage, you'd better do a complete job. It was not a hollywood movie where the hero pummeled the bad guy "just the right amount" in a choreographed scene. Your bf needed to make sure that guy cannot get up. Because if the bad guy gets up, next thing you know it's your bf that's down. Your bf had no assurance that he can get the upper hand again.

I'm a small thin educated woman living in a good neighborhood. But if I ever had to defend myself against an attacker I'd turn into the tasmanian devil and go at it with full crazed fury and I'd be ready to die and take it to hell with me. It's that or not at all.

[bathtub-row]

I thought it's against the law in any civil society to use unreasonable force in either law enforcement or self defense???

 

I just checked, at least in Canada, it's written in the Criminal Code.

 

isn't that what differentiate a civil society from a police state?

 

If it's not unreasonable force in this case, I don't know what else is.

 

In the States, I believe it would be a matter of self-defense and any amount of force would be justified. A hammer could easily be used as a deadly weapon. There was also suggestion that one of them had a knife. This isn’t a situation where you check for a knife and if it’s not found, you back off. The knife could’ve been anywhere. Whether her bf heard anything about a knife is also irrelevant. There was an immediate threat by two men and that’s all her bf needed to know. Those guys also could’ve had buddies hiding in the background. It wasn’t a situation where reasonable or unreasonable violence could be determined.

[bathtub-row]

This was not a playground fight. This was a combat with threat to life. If you decide to engage, you'd better do a complete job. It was not a hollywood movie where the hero pummeled the bad guy "just the right amount" in a choreographed scene. Your bf needed to make sure that guy cannot get up. Because if the bad guy gets up, next thing you know it's your bf that's down. Your bf had no assurance that he can get the upper hand again.

I'm a small thin educated woman living in a good neighborhood. But if I ever had to defend myself against an attacker I'd turn into the tasmanian devil and go at it with full crazed fury and I'd be ready to die and take it to hell with me. It's that or not at all.

 

Yes. We all have to consider the amount of boldness it takes for one person to threaten violence on another. Once they’ve reached that point, they deserve to be beaten to a pulp.

[Gretchen12]

Yes. We all have to consider the amount of boldness it takes for one person to threaten violence on another. Once they’ve reached that point, they deserve to be beaten to a pulp.

 

Haha, I'm not sure if the assailant deserves to be "beaten to a pulp". I don't want to hurt the guy. I'd use Spock's Vulcan nerve pinch if I could. But that's TV. Real life is not so clean and pretty, you don't always have a choice.

[Springsummer]

In the States, I believe it would be a matter of self-defense and any amount of force would be justified. A hammer could easily be used as a deadly weapon. There was also suggestion that one of them had a knife. This isn’t a situation where you check for a knife and if it’s not found, you back off. The knife could’ve been anywhere. Whether her bf heard anything about a knife is also irrelevant. There was an immediate threat by two men and that’s all her bf needed to know. Those guys also could’ve had buddies hiding in the background. It wasn’t a situation where reasonable or unreasonable violence could be determined.

 

You are wrong

 

Just googled. Reasonable and necessary are the key words in the US as well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defense_(United_States)

 

so, by your reasoning, if the bf wasn't intervened physically, he was alright for him to grab the fleeing the kid/teenage (youngish) and beat to dead? It seems according to you people here, if the person isn't dead then he is still a threat, even he hadn't touched OP yet.

Edited November 12, 2018 by Springsummer

[bathtub-row]

You are wrong

 

Just googled. Reasonable and necessary are the key words in the US as well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defense_(United_States)

 

so, by your reasoning, if the bf wasn't intervened physically, he was alright for him to grab the fleeing the kid/teenage (youngish) and beat to dead? It seems according to you people here, if the person isn't dead then he is still a threat, even he hadn't touched OP yet.

 

I don’t think anyone said the guys should’ve been killed. I can’t even believe this is an argument. Two men were threatening violence. OP and others were in immediate danger. Based on the definition you sent, now you’ve got to determine what is reasonable. I think beating the guy to a pulp was reasonable. Btw, if a stranger walks into your home and you shoot him dead, that was self-defense. Unreasonable?

[PRW]

I just don't quite know how to deal with this, am I being ridiculous? Will the feeling fade? I can't bare the thought this is going to hurt us as a couple. I love him so much.

 

 

Yes you are absolutely being ridiculous. You needed a reality check, an awakening, of what the real world is like. It is not some sweet Pollyanna place. How much violence do you think there would have been from the Perps if they didn't like your response? A hammer to the head will kill you in one shot,...it is a deadly weapon. You were in a life threatening situation. The Perps were using potentially deadly force. Your boyfriend was smart enough to know he was in a life threatening situation and acted accordingly.

[Gaeta]

You 2 come from different background so you don't understand the danger of the streets, he does. He knew this guy needed to be hit till he could not get up again. Your boyfriend also knew when to stop beating him up that wasn't his first fight. I would trust your bf to know exactly what he was doing, he knows the world of the streets. You don't. You can sleep on your 2 ears at night that your boyfriend won't let anything bad happen to you.

[carhill]

Yep, neutralize the threat. That's the training we get for LCH. Expect to be arrested, expect to be sued, expect to be judged by 12. I'll take that over carried by six any day.

 

Hopefully, most people here will never experience such violence. I did as a young person, the getting beaten unconscious part. It sticks with a person. I'll leave it at that.

[Mrs._December]

[]

 

Then...

 

We went out with some of my friends, he was driving us along with my best friend & her boyfriend. The rain was awful so the boys said they'd go get the car and me and my friend were waiting in the doorway. Rain was sweeping in so we crossed the road and sheltered by this little alley bit (didn't seem a bad idea at the time).

 

Two lads came up, youngish, he basically said to hand over our purses, one said he had a knife (I didn't know if that was true), they were sort of trapping us by where they were standing - I was scared.

 

Que Luke! He pulled the car up on the other side of the road, jumped out, ran over. I remember this wave of relief he was there.

 

Turns out 1st guy didnt have a knife but 2nd guy did have a hammer which he pulled but Luke just charged them.

 

They really went for him but he didn't seem to even feel it, got the hammer off 2nd guy and then he ran away, I think 1st guy probably would of run off too but by this point Luke just had hold of him. He was just pummelling him, over and over and over.

 

I remember the rush of fear that washed over me... I though he's killing him!!

[]

Honestly, I don't see the Goodfellows beating your boyfriend gave this mugger as him acting like Sir Galahad and coming to your rescue. Nor do I see it as him 'saving your life' like it was in dire, immediate peril - because it wasn't. I almost get the impression your boyfriend simply jumped on an opportunity to give this guy a beat-down so he could flex his muscles and look like the big cheese in front of everyone. I honestly don't think your 'protection' was his first priority at all. Not at all (regardless of his big show of coming over to you after they pulled him off the guy and him asking if you were ok). :rolleyes:

 

I think he used it as an excuse to let his inner savage out, is all.

 

I used to see guys like this all the time when I was younger, only too happy for an excuse to flex their muscles and show off for the masses what a big strong guy they were.

Edited November 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[PRW]

He knew this guy needed to be hit till he could not get up again. Your boyfriend also knew when to stop beating him up that wasn't his first fight. I would trust your bf to know exactly what he was doing, he knows the world of the streets.

 

Yea, in my MA training the point was to take the threat down as fast an efficient as possible, and escape.

[Springsummer]

I don’t think anyone said the guys should’ve been killed. I can’t even believe this is an argument. Two men were threatening violence. OP and others were in immediate danger. Based on the definition you sent, now you’ve got to determine what is reasonable. I think beating the guy to a pulp was reasonable. Btw, if a stranger walks into your home and you shoot him dead, that was self-defense. Unreasonable?

 

The kid/teenage would have been killed if the BF wasn't intervened. the BF won't even stop when the gf told him so.

 

I will not shoot a person dead who just happen to walks into my home, because he might be a visitor, a handyman, etc...unless, I feel he looks like a bad person and is a threat.

 

I certainly won't shoot the person dead if he is fleeing. I will let him flees, especially he is a youngster.

 

oh, yet, people don't own a gun here. so, there is no way I can shoot somebody anyway.

[Springsummer]

I think he used it as an excuse to let his inner savage out, is all.

 

I used to see guys like this all the time when I was younger, only too happy for an excuse to flex their muscles and show off for the masses what a big strong guy they were.

 

That's what I am feeling.

 

He obviously was physically overpowering the 2 guys. and now just 1 guy for him. He knew he was not a threat physically.

 

Keep pounding a youngster who was already down and completely at his mercy is cold-blooded.

 

I think unconsciously OP knows that.

[Gaeta]

The kid/teenage would have been killed if the BF wasn't intervened. the BF won't even stop when the gf told him so.

 

I will not shoot a person dead who just happen to walks into my home, because he might be a visitor, a handyman, etc...unless, I feel he looks like a bad person and is a threat.

 

I certainly won't shoot the person dead if he is fleeing. I will let him flees, especially he is a youngster.

 

oh, yet, people don't own a gun here. so, there is no way I can shoot somebody anyway.

 

 

I am Canadian too so it's hard to imagine 'here' having to resort to this type of violence but it does exist in other countries. Young or not some countries are inflicted with street gangs that won't think twice and would kill you for a few bucks in your purse. The fact those 2 guys were young doesn't make them less dangerous actually I'd be more afraid of a younger assailant that thinks he's invincible.

[elaine567]

That's what I am feeling.

 

He obviously was physically overpowering the 2 guys. and now just 1 guy for him. He knew he was not a threat physically.

 

 

He didnt know that. This is the guy who said he had a knife.

[preraph]

You do NOT know he will never lay a finger on you! Don't be naive. You know what he's capable of now, and you won't find out how far he'll go to get his way once he's not getting from you what he wants or getting his way on something. He can do this to you too.