Boyfriend defended me in a fight but seeing him like that has freaked me out!

[preraph]

I agree that adrenaline certainly played a part and that in that situation, no one is going to have time to meter out how much punishment. Guess it just depends how long it went on. The fact others had to stop him is worrisome.

[C.RileyRiles]

Your boyfriend is not that person. When push came to shove, he saved your life. It's raw and real and it has shown you the lengths he'd go for you. It shows how much he loves you.

I know he does! I already knew that though!

 

I think that scares you because it makes this relationship very real..that this guy is ready to die for you. Makes you question your own conviction.

I think your freaking out has more to do with this. And if I'm right about that, then you need to evaluate yourself and what you want from your relationship.

I'm not questioning my conviction in our relationship! I want a lifetime for us! Travel, marriage, kids, grandkids. I want to look back one day on a life time spent with my best friend. Im not doubting us and im not scared of the commitment!

[Springsummer]

I only have one question though:

 

Now that the BF has calm down. Does he reflect what he did and realize it had gone too far and has remorse about it? If not, I doubt he is a thoughtful and/or kind person.

 

Coincidentally I am watching a few TV episodes of a novel about ancient martial arts and Buddhism temple. I find the episodes to be very pertinent to this thread.

 

The antagonists dedicated all their lives to revenge their loved ones. They were all very kind to their own family but killed other people callously. but the protagonists, martial art experts and Buddhists didn't kill their enemies when they could and should, because they are very kind and enlightened. Can't imagine they will beat a thieve to pulp.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's quite obvious that OP's bf is a very warm guy, treats her well, and makes her feel loved and cared for. If he were verbally abusive or made her feel fear in other ways, I'd be the first to say that she should dump him here and now. But this guy doesn't deserve to be questioned to this degree.

 

They're a sweet couple and I believe they have a beautiful future together. And, thanks to her bf, OP isn't now having to deal with being traumatized from being raped, or having lost her friends or bf to those criminals. His parents and hers aren't having to deal with the loss of a child or their child having been assaulted. Sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends aren't having to mourn over the loss of a loved one, or having to comfort them in their injuries. Assaults and murders are very far-reaching, as most people know, and it's very probable that that is exactly what her bf prevented from happening. Let that sink in because no one knows what the intentions were of those guys. But anyone brazen enough to threaten others has already taken things way too far and, from that moment on, their motives are completely in question.

[Bob_Dole]

I was a cop for 12 years.

Unlike in the movies, where cops wave their guns, shoot offenders in the arm to disarm them, and offender go down with a single bullet,

we were taught:

never draw our sidearm unless we intended to use it,

shoot to kill

don't stop firing until the offender is down & out

 

I never had to shoot anyone (this is Australia after all) but I was trained to, and prepared to kill if necessary.

And I will say, that there were things I saw as a cop that had me itching. Like the piece of filth we arrested for beating his infant son to death, and then turning on his GF when she came home. Unfortunately he was too much of a maggot to put up a fight for us.

And yes, that is also something they train us for, not to go off on pieces of ****.

 

I still own a firearm (one of the perks of being an ex-cop) and there are two people in my home that I would die to protect, and yes if I had to I would kill without hesitation.

 

The OP has been exposed to a part of life that most fortunately never see. The irony is that if you are shocked over what a man will do to protect his loved ones, wait till you see what a skinny 5ft woman will do to protect her kids.

 

It's not pretty, but what really matters in the context.

The mistake, is thinking this episode marks him as inherently violent or dangerous. It doesn't, in fact that is the completely wrong way to look at. Believe it or not, inflicting violence is easy, especially for men. But I have seen utter cowards, men scared of their own shadow, inflict violence on women, children, the elderly, animals, etc. Mongrels physically incapable of besting their wife, will instead inflict emotional abuse.

Your BF used violence to defend you. Be grateful.

All it means is that, like the vast majority of people on this planet, he's capable of violence in certain circumstances.

[C.RileyRiles]

I only have one question though:

Now that the BF has calm down. Does he reflect what he did and realize it had gone too far and has remorse about it? If not, I doubt he is a thoughtful and/or kind person.

Remorse is probably too strong. He's too matter-of-fact for that. I think he'd probably see it more like: This happened. Its a shame. Next chapter.

I don't think he takes any pride from it and I like that about him. He doesn't need to prove how 'tough' he is to anyone. Equally, as much as I know he's sorry for scaring me, and he finds the situation regrettable ....I'm under no illusion that he'd do it all again.

 

But I've been thinking about it a bit today actually.. I think more time has passed, and its all less fresh and emotionally charged and I feel much better than I did.

 

We met with his half bro last night, (who we dont see all that often, they never lived together growing up, different mums, but he's the only family my bf has). Obviously you can still see just from looking at him that my boyfriends been in a fight, but whereas he's so so humble about everything in his life, his brothers much more.. 'loud and proud' and he was chatting to me while my bf was getting drinks from the bar. He was really bigging my bf up for the whole incident out of his ear shot, and I dont like that whole braggy kind of behaviour, but one thing he said really stuck out for me "People have always underestimated Ronnie, cause he plays the joker and he looks like a pretty boy, but they get a taste of his devil side and they wouldnt do it a second time"

 

It stuck out because.. "devil side" was his phrasing and that kind of stayed in mt head. It's not something I love but i think im surprised it doesnt bother me as much as what I would have thought it would!

A week ago, that would have effected me, but now it doesn't really..

 

We walked for the train that night and he had his arm around my shoulders and was just chatting away about.. badgers I think ..and I just realised that, I do feel really safe with him.

I think thats how everyone EXPECTED me to feel 2 weeks ago but I didnt, but I'm kind of getting it now, I do feel protected, and loved!

 

Maybe he has got what his brother wants to call a "devil side" and in that sort of situation he can go to far. But no ones perfect, we all have faults! I'm stroppy, and stupidly competitive, and always late!

I love him, and i think equally as importantly I understand him. I've lived my whole life in this little bubble of safety! He was a child put into an incredibly harsh environment and forced to endure incredibly hard things! So who an earth am I to sit in my ivory tower and tell him that his instinctual reaction was unnecessarily strong!!

 

He's a well-rounded, kind, dependable, generous man, who consistently makes me his number 1 priority and I love him very very much!

[C.RileyRiles]

I think it's quite obvious that OP's bf is a very warm guy, treats her well, and makes her feel loved and cared for. If he were verbally abusive or made her feel fear in other ways, I'd be the first to say that she should dump him here and now. But this guy doesn't deserve to be questioned to this degree.

Oh god no, I've never felt in least frightened or intimidated by him! He treats me like I'm the most special thing on the planet. I was a bit of a relationship sceptic, I really was, but he's brought out the mushy romantic in me! He's flashy or showy but he does all the little things all the time. The cups of tea, the cuddles in the morning, the terrible jokes he texts me, the fact he actually read my favourite book, and holds my hand in the car, and that if the weathers bad he'll buy shopping and take it into my nan on his way home from work without me asking....... He makes me feel really cherished!

 

And I shouldnt really of doubted him, but he's awesome so he's even understanding of that too!

 

They're a sweet couple and I believe they have a beautiful future together.

Thank you so much

[Springsummer]

Remorse is probably too strong. He's too matter-of-fact for that. I think he'd probably see it more like: This happened. Its a shame. Next chapter.

 

so, in other words, he sees nothing wrong with beating the person to pulp and will continue even killing him if nobody intervene him physically? so it's not uncontrolled, but simply him letting his devil side out? and there is nothing wrong with it?

 

um...interesting...

[Kitty Tantrum]

There IS nothing wrong with it.

 

If he didn't want to get beaten to a pulp, he could have made a speedy exit as soon as the boyfriend charged at him. Instead he pulled out a hammer. That's a deadly weapon. In my book, he forfeited his own life in that moment, and OP's friends were MERCIFUL to pull the boyfriend off the guy before the natural consequences of his own actions were fully realized. He did not deserve to continue living.

 

It's also worth considering that the whole "threaten with a knife and then whip out a hammer instead" thing could be a deliberate tactic. I don't necessarily give criminals credit for intelligence and forethought, but it would be an effective misdirection. The average person reflexively defending against what they think is going to be a knife attack, protecting the areas of their body most vulnerable to cutting/stabbing (abdomen, neck, face), is likely to leave themselves open to a blow to the head - and one solid blow to the head from a hammer is enough to kill.

 

The only remorse that might be warranted in this situation is remorse for NOT killing the scumbag if it turns out he uses this gift of continued life to go out and attack more people instead of learning his lesson.

[Springsummer]

He did not deserve to continue living.

 

Holy crap!

 

Even mass murders 'deserve' to live in my country. We don't have death penalty here.

 

Even I think that's over the top. I believe mass murderers and child rapists should be executed, but we do't here.

 

If mass murderers deserve to live, how can a youngish person who merely posted a thread doesn't?

[Veronica73]

OP, your boyfriend sounds wonderful, and you both sound so sweet together. I would love to have a man who would defend me like that. And I’ve taken self defense classes, and you are supposed to disable the attacker enough that they WILL NOT BE GETTING UP. And if you shoot, you shoot to kill. Not neccessarily if you are a trained police officer, I don’t know, but if you’re ordinary joe blow citizen, that’s what you should do if you are defending yourself or a loved one.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Holy crap!

 

Even mass murders 'deserve' to live in my country. We don't have death penalty here.

 

Even I think that's over the top. I believe mass murderers and child rapists should be executed, but we do't here.

 

If mass murderers deserve to live, how can a youngish person who merely posted a thread doesn't?

 

There's a vast difference between DESERVING to live, and being granted the right to continue living under protection of the laws of a particular country.

 

Also, death penalty exacted after the fact is entirely different from neutralization of imminent threat to one's own life or the life of another innocent person. The criminal cannot be said to deserve life in the moment where the cost of granting it is the life of their innocent victim. That would be nothing short of absurd.

 

If you're not willing to maybe kill somebody in the course of making sure they don't kill you or someone else, you're a lot likelier to end up dead.

[Springsummer]

If you're not willing to maybe kill somebody in the course of making sure they don't kill you or someone else, you're a lot likelier to end up dead.

 

I should and I will kill someone to make sure I don't get killed. but I shouldn't and will not kill someone when the opponent is fleeing and/or is already incapacitated and I am unharmed. The latter applies to this case not the former.

[Springsummer]

There's a vast difference between DESERVING to live, and being granted the right to continue living under protection of the laws of a particular country.

 

 

why do you grant someone a life and the law protect him when they don't deserve?

[Springsummer]

The criminal cannot be said to deserve life in the moment where the cost of granting it is the life of their innocent victim. That would be nothing short of absurd.

 

again, read the posts. we are talking about the fact that he continued to pummel the person AFTER he was trying to flee and was ALREADY beaten to pulp.

[whichwayisup]

His. Always.

 

I understand why he did, I'm incredibly thankful for the fact he did it. But I didn't love seeing it, and I cant pretend that I'm not having these feelings I'm having! It's *****! I feel guilty that I feel like this, because I should be praising him as a hero like everyone else I know is doing.

 

It's my issue, it's not his.

 

 

I know that, I do, and I love him very very much, even if I don't sound like I do

 

Do some therapy. Find a good therapist that you can trust and connect with to help you cope with it. You work through this so the visual of the fight and violence will go away.

 

Your bf is still the same guy. You just see him in a different light now. Just hope that you can fix this and stay with him...

[MaleIntuition]

It's great that you've sorted everything out here, but I'm going to take the minority view here that what your boyfriend did, whilst brave, was not ideal.

 

The two guys weren't threatening your life. They were petty thieves. They wanted your purses, and the threat of violence was just to get you to cooperate. Your boyfriend started the violence and put his own life in danger to stop them. Suppose they'd both had knives and been a little more prepared for his attack? He could easily have ended up in hospital... or worse. News sites are not short on stories of exactly this happening.

 

Personally I think putting your own or anyone else's life in danger to save, at best, a few hundred dollars, is pure stupidity. But you're welcome to see it as heroic.

 

I agree with this.

 

I can’t help thinking that the ladies moshing over this guys just sees a variation of the the old stereotypes: bad guy gone good.

[bathtub-row]

If mass murderers deserve to live, how can a youngish person who merely posted a thread doesn't?

 

When a mass murderer comes along and annilates 5 of your best friends, or a child molester rapes, tortures and kills your child, let’s see how much you think he deserves to live.

[PegNosePete]

death penalty exacted after the fact is entirely different from neutralization of imminent threat to one's own life or the life of another innocent person.

Right. And in this case the threat was already neutralised. There was no more threat, imminent or otherwise! Yet the OP's BF continued to beat the offender. Self defence and the defence of others is one thing, but in this case the BF was not doing that, he was exacting a physical punishment after the fact.

 

Being a strong hero and saving his GF from a scary situation or potential violence depends on your viewpoint: heroic, brave or stupid. But continuing to beat someone after they are incapacitated is not debatable: it is criminal. The law in almost all jurisdictions is very clear in this regard. The BF was committing assault, GBH or (if not stopped) murder.

 

The criminal cannot be said to deserve life in the moment where the cost of granting it is the life of their innocent victim.

Right! And that is why killing someone who is trying to kill you or others is totally OK. But that is not the situation here. There was no "cost" to granting the criminal life: he was already incapacitated and nobody's life was in danger.

 

If you're not willing to maybe kill somebody in the course of making sure they don't kill you or someone else, you're a lot likelier to end up dead.

And if you carry on beating someone up after they've been neutralised, you're a lot likelier to end up in jail.

[Springsummer]

When a mass murderer comes along and annilates 5 of your best friends, or a child molester rapes, tortures and kills your child, let’s see how much you think he deserves to live.

 

[]

 

I merely stated the law of my country and I already stated my opinion.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Springsummer]

But continuing to beat someone after they are incapacitated is not debatable: it is criminal. The law in almost all jurisdictions is very clear in this regard. The BF was committing assault, GBH or (if not stopped) murder..

 

I can even understand the continue beating if the bf or gf was nphysicaly hurt in the process. but they weren't harmed either.

[bathtub-row]

[]

 

I merely stated the law of my country and I already stated my opinion.

 

My mistake. I misread.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Kitty Tantrum]

again, read the posts. we are talking about the fact that he continued to pummel the person AFTER he was trying to flee and was ALREADY beaten to pulp.

 

So which is it?

 

You can't be beaten to a pulp enough to be considered neutralized as a threat, AND still capable of breaking away and fleeing.

 

You're trying to paint a picture of this boyfriend as a violent, vengeful person for something he did in self defense, while still in the heat of the moment and under the immediate impression that his life was in danger.

 

Like I said before, when someone attacks you, unless you have a VERY ABNORMAL adrenaline response, you don't get to calmly and rationally assess the condition of your enemy and pull your punches at the perfect intersection of safety and mercy. It simply does not work that way.

 

If he were violent and vengeful, he'd have gone back and finished the guy off after calming down and cuddling his girlfriend. He didn't. He stopped after his friends pulled him away from the attacker.

 

If there hadn't been anyone to pull him off, he probably wouldn't have stopped until the attacker was on the ground and definitely no longer moving. Maybe unconscious. Maybe dead. That's the proper way to preserve your life against an attacker who has shown no compunction about trying to end it.

[Shepp]

Right. And in this case the threat was already neutralised. There was no more threat, imminent or otherwise! Yet the OP's BF continued to beat the offender.

But how does he tell that?

 

I understand how the observer tells that, I understand how we now looking back on the event tell that, but tell me how does HE tell that!?

 

Have you been in a fight? Not a playground fight, the kind of fight when you're 2-to-1, being struck by a hammer with the threat of concealed weapons, and perceive your girlfriend as being in the line of danger should you fall!?

 

His adrenaline is through the roof!!! His thinking speeds up to the point where he is acting on pure impulse. Every blow is disorientating, the world gets fuzzy, hearing becomes almost non existent. He's being hit with a hammer, to an extent some endorphins are released numbing his perception of pain, hits become jarring. Testosterone spikes it raises his aggression. Field of vision narrows considerably

Cortisol increases, sends emergency signals of immediate danger to every cell in the body! He stops responsive just to the situation in front of him but to the mix of hormones flooding through his body!

The 'danger' maybe be 'neutralised', but he is not in a position to be able to see that with the clarity of an onlooker, he is still feeling the repercussions of the direct danger signals being sent to a brain.

 

Just like how you continue to shake with adrenaline following something scary!

 

I'm NOT saying people are not responsible here, they ARE, but the question here is whether OP's bf was right to engage or not!

Once he has engaged how can you possibly say the poor bloke failed to take a step back and realise that the threat was over within the same time frame the onlookers did!!?

 

I can even understand the continue beating if the bf or gf was nphysicaly hurt in the process. but they weren't harmed either.

Wasn't the bloke being struck with a hammer? I'd call that 'harmed'! Pretty sure OP mentions a few times in this thread some pretty extensive injuries to her boyfriend!

 

Oh god no, I've never felt in least frightened or intimidated by him! He treats me like I'm the most special thing on the planet. I was a bit of a relationship sceptic, I really was, but he's brought out the mushy romantic in me! He's flashy or showy but he does all the little things all the time. The cups of tea, the cuddles in the morning, the terrible jokes he texts me, the fact he actually read my favourite book, and holds my hand in the car, and that if the weathers bad he'll buy shopping and take it into my nan on his way home from work without me asking....... He makes me feel really cherished!

 

And I shouldnt really of doubted him, but he's awesome so he's even understanding of that too!

You know mate, if thats how you feel - get him to wife you up eh!?

Doesn't come around everyday, hold onto it!

[Shepp]

If he were violent and vengeful, he'd have gone back and finished the guy off after calming down and cuddling his girlfriend. He didn't. He stopped after his friends pulled him away from the attacker.

THIS!!!

 

At this point my friends boyfriend came over and some random bloke that got out his car and they grabbed him, and thankfully he did then stop. He switched back to normal, he was straight over to me cuddling me, asking if I was alright. He was covered in blood, some his, some the other guys.

 

1) They pull him off

2) He has mere seconds to decide the best course of action, hormones all over the shop! Go back for the bloke? Shout? Go for the guy that pulled him off? Make a big fuss? Lick his wounds?..

3) No.. He goes and cuddles his girlfriend

 

That is not an aggressive violent guy!

Edited November 19, 2018 by Shepp