Partner gets irritated by my adult children

[Moomard]

I have been with my boyfriend now for 3 1/2 years we are both 48. He has two children a daughter who is 19 and a son who is 16 he does not see his daughter any more but his son lives with him there was a problem between him and his daughter that could never get sorted out so they have lost contact.

 

I have two daughters one is 21 the other is 18. They both live with me and this is where we have a problem. My boyfriend seems to be unable to accept some of the ways of my daughters. For example they can be a little lazy at washing up and cleaning the bathroom after themselves etc and I must admit it does sometimes seem like I always have to remind them. They are not bad girls and there is really isn’t a big issue with them not doing things.

 

They both work long hours and so long as it’s done I don’t mind them not doing it immediately. However, when my boyfriend comes over and he sees that they have left washing up or the house has got in a bit of a mess etc he gets really angry about it and tells me he thinks they’re lazy and taking the p**s! . He says we can never live together because he simply couldn’t put up with the mess they make and he tells me I should keep them and check and that I totally pander to them.

 

The situation that we have actually suits all three of us - if things are a bit messy it doesn’t bother me I don’t see what bothers him so much. He is very strict with his son and he obviously feels I should be the same with my girls. He tells me that I’m more of a friend to them than a mother and that I’m too involved in their lives and that our relationship is too close.

 

It really is becoming issue between us now we have had many arguments about it and I’m not really sure where to go from here.

 

It kicked off again last night he left he left my house earlier than he was going to because he was making comments again about the washing up not being done. I can’t really see that we’ve got a future together if we can’t live together. I can’t wait for my girls to move out so I can live with him I love living with my children and it always makes me feel like I need to choose between him and my girls in these sorts of situations. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells when he’s at my house just in case they leave something lying around and it annoys him and he makes a comment.

 

Is he right am I too soft on my children as they are now adults ? Or is he wrong to keep getting involved? I’m so confused now as we have had so many arguments about it in some ways I can see his point of view but I really think it’s my issue to sort out and I should sort it if it bothers me rather than doing it just because he said something.

 

We have spoken about living together and were planning to do so this year but it hasn’t happened because he says that they would wind him up so much and he can’t put up with it. He says it will come between us because I will defend them, which is probably true.

 

My girls have picked up on the way he is and stay in their rooms when he’s over rather than sitting in the lounge with me as they do usually. We do love each other but I have to keep him separate from my children because there’s an atmosphere. The only way I can carry on is by going to his house at weekends where there isn’t the constant friction.

 

He seems jealous of my time doing things with my kids- shopping, cinema etc and just seems to have it in for them and criticises them to me whenever he can. Should I be concentrating on my relationship and stepping back from my children and side with him so he feels I’m supporting him or should I tell him we can’t carry on if he’s going to keep getting involved with my relationship with them? I’m going round in circles in my head and would really appreciate other people’s opinions please.

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[basil67]

A man who can't get on with his own daughter is hardly one to give you advice on how to raise yours.

 

I suggest you use the following breakup line "You've made it very clear that you want a partner who can meet your needs with respect to house management. I'm happy with the way I live, so clearly, I'm not the right person for you. It's time to end it and for us both to find people who we are more compatible with" Also, with the way he keeps fighting you on this, I'd end it in a public place.

Edited November 13, 2018 by basil67

[Moomard]

Thank you, I think you are right. It’s hard when there is a lot of good in a person but sadly the bad has now far outweighed the good.

[basil67]

Yeah, I hear you. It's not like you haven't given him a chance. But this whole thing where he complains about how you live is so out of line.

 

To be honest, I'm seeing some very controlling tendencies in him. I bet that even if your girls did change, he'd get bent out of shape if stuff still wasn't to his satisfaction. It's not his place to tell you that your home life is unacceptable. Rather, it's his place to decide if it's what he wants....and if it's not what he wants, he should end it rather than fight over it.

[salparadise]

However, when my boyfriend comes over and he sees that they have left washing up or the house has got in a bit of a mess etc he gets really angry...

 

I can’t wait for my girls to move out so I can live with him I love living with my children and it always makes me feel like I need to choose between him and my girls in these sorts of situations. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells when he’s at my house just in case they leave something lying around and it annoys him and he makes a comment.

 

Is he right am I too soft on my children as they are now adults ? Or is he wrong to keep getting involved?

 

Should I be concentrating on my relationship and stepping back from my children and side with him so he feels I’m supporting him or should I tell him we can’t carry on if he’s going to keep getting involved with my relationship with them?

 

 

He is overbearing and has boundary issues... and you do as well, just in the opposite direction, meaning that you enable his controlling, inappropriate behavior.

 

He should definitely NOT be involved in your relationship with your daughters. And it's simply none of his damn business whether your house is always picked up and perfect. If someone tried that crap with me, they'd have a flattened face from running into a solid brick wall––and the relationship would be over before it even got started. If I was dating someone and they started criticizing my daughter and telling me how I should manage her... boom, done.

 

I won't tell you that you ought to terminate, because relationships are unique and it's your life, and because love is too valuable to throw away if it can be fixed. But I do think that you should put up that brick wall and let him know (speaking calmly and confidently) that you will not be putting up with any more of his crap. He will have two options... make the adjustment or be gone. He won't like it, of course, and he may decide to be gone anyway, but you need to end the BS one way or the other. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

I'd say spending your time together at his place is a pretty good work around. Most people wouldn't want to be having date nights with the kids present anyway. Since your kids are of age now, is there a plan for them to become independent... or are you sort of waiting for that to fall out of the sky? Are they not going off to college? Perhaps they should be roomies in their own apartment soon?

[hippychick3]

As a mother of 2 adult children and a teenager, I’m incensed at your boyfriend’s behavior. My boyfriend of 5 years tells me my kids are such good kids and even though they too are messy at times, given the overall big picture, it’s minor.

 

Your bf is projecting his anger towards his own daughter onto yours. Absolutely unacceptable. I would have kicked him to the curb already. You and your girls deserve a better man in your lives.

[Gaeta]

I am joining the others to tell you how controlling, disrespecting and overbearing he is being with you and your daughters. You don't live together so he has NO saying what so every how you rule your house and your family! I would not be able to date a man like this!

 

 

 

What shocked me in your story is that you cannot wait for your daughters to move out so you can live together!! let me tell you, once your daughters are out he'll continue being the negative critic he is except it will be on you, and at every opportunity he'll build a wall between you and your daughters just the way he did with his. What kind of father break his relationship with his 16 year old! Not the type you should want in your life. Your youngest is only 18, she's just a teen and not about to move out. Will you endure this treatment for another 4 years?

[anika99]

100% in agreement with the other poster. Glad everyone sees this the same. I'd be interested to know if your boyfriend's kids consider him to the perfect parent he believes himself to be. I highly doubt it. That his daughter doesn't speak to him at all say a a lot.

 

This overbearing behaviour won't stop at your kids. Once they are moved out he will find other things wrong with you and you will still be walking on eggshells around him. Your kids are better people than he is so please don't ever choose him over them.

[Moomard]

I am joining the others to tell you how controlling, disrespecting and overbearing he is being with you and your daughters. You don't live together so he has NO saying what so every how you rule your house and your family! I would not be able to date a man like this!

 

 

 

What shocked me in your story is that you cannot wait for your daughters to move out so you can live together!! let me tell you, once your daughters are out he'll continue being the negative critic he is except it will be on you, and at every opportunity he'll build a wall between you and your daughters just the way he did with his. What kind of father break his relationship with his 16 year old! Not the type you should want in your life. Your youngest is only 18, she's just a teen and not about to move out. Will you endure this treatment for another 4 years?

 

Thank you, I think that my post came across the wrong g was when I said I cannot wait for them to move out... I CAN wait and I don’t want them to move out but what I meant was that I can’t just sit and wait for them to move out so we can move forward and live together- does that make sense? I love living with my daughters and am certainly not pushing them out the door.

Another thing I’d like to add is that he says I’m missing the point- it’s not the ness it’s tge fact they are disrespecting me and he thinks I end up clearing up after them, sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I’m not saying my children are angels but like I say it works for us. Yes sometimes they do take advantage of me and sometimes I do need to lose it with them and we have a full on row! But I think he’s having a go about them and disgusting it as ‘caring for me’

[ChatroomHero]

He's controlling. It's your house, you do what you want. If you move in with him your day will consist of him nagging you to clean up and likely you will have to do it his way or it's wrong.

 

 

You're running late for work? You didn't wipe the sink and the shower down like he likes it. Hair in the sink? Oh boy. Just finished lunch and left one plate in the sink? There will be hell to pay.

 

 

Anyone that would come into your house and tell you how to run it and what is acceptable would have no issue controlling everything in their house if you moved in together. Some people are ok with that, it would drive me crazy.

[Moomard]

He's controlling. It's your house, you do what you want. If you move in with him your day will consist of him nagging you to clean up and likely you will have to do it his way or it's wrong.

 

 

You're running late for work? You didn't wipe the sink and the shower down like he likes it. Hair in the sink? Oh boy. Just finished lunch and left one plate in the sink? There will be hell to pay.

 

 

Anyone that would come into your house and tell you how to run it and what is acceptable would have no issue controlling everything in their house if you moved in together. Some people are ok with that, it would drive me crazy.

 

 

I agree!! ??

[elaine567]

But I think he’s having a go about them and disgusting it as ‘caring for me’

 

 

Freudian slip...

His behaviour is "disgusting" though.

 

I guess he will never be happy until he has you isolated and all to himself and then he can order you around like servant...

[Gaeta]

I meant was that I can’t just sit and wait for them to move out so we can move forward and live together- does that make sense?

Why not? you are still needed as a parent for your youngest, you do need to wait for her to fly on her own to move on with your life and there is nothing wrong with it on contrary I view this as being a good parent.

 

 

 

Another thing I’d like to add is that he says I’m missing the point- it’s not the ness it’s tge fact they are disrespecting me and he thinks I end up clearing up after them, sometimes I do sometimes I don’t.

You are not missing the point, he is. You are running a 'home' and a 'family', you are not running a military camp. It's normal in 'normal homes' that kids are messy and we need to nag them a couple of times before they get up their butt. My daughter was messy and I had to repeat myself too, actually I don't know any household where parents don't have to repeat themselves and teens aren't messy.

 

 

 

Your boyfriend has any experience raising kids? Sure he had 2 but doesn't sound like he had to raise them and it doesn't sound like he knows anything about family living.

[bathtub-row]

It’s with all due respect that I ask this question: ARE YOU CRAZY??!! Pull away from your children for a man who isn’t even their father???!!! No, no, and no.

 

You’re with a control freak and any time a man creates conflict that surrounds your children, it’s time to exit stage left. The situation will never improve, even when your kids move out. Not to mention that your daughters are probably wondering why you’re making the choices you’re making. Be very careful - you’re teaching your daughters a very big lesson by staying in or leaving this relationship.

 

Even if your bf is correct in the things he points out, there are other ways to handle the situation. I think I can see why he has lost his relationship with his daughter. This man is trouble and I hope you figure that out sooner than later.

[Moomard]

Freudian slip...

His behaviour is "disgusting" though.

 

I guess he will never be happy until he has you isolated and all to himself and then he can order you around like servant...

 

 

 

Lol- I did try to change it but the site wouldn’t allow me to edit it! Obviously I meant disguising! But disgusting is pretty spot on too ?

[noelle303]

A man who can't get on with his own daughter is hardly one to give you advice on how to raise yours.

 

Bingo. No wonder his own child cut him out of her life, no doubt he tried to control her and run he life just like he's doing with you.

 

I think everything's been said. I also want to ass that it's creepy that he thinks you're "too close" with your children, he seems jelaous of them and extremely possessive of you.

 

Have a sit down with him, explain that it's your house, your children and your life - they come first for you and if he can't respect that and respect your household, he can walk out of your life.

[beatcuff]

OP, if you read enough on this board you can almost guess at what certain posters will state. i, for one, usually tell posters to settle down, take a breath and work it out. and in this case i can certainly see his position --- most men have an issue with 'women stuff' in the bathroom, especially when they are not his. EXCEPT FOR THIS ---

 

However, when my boyfriend comes over...he gets really angry about it and tells me he thinks they’re lazy and taking the p**s!...

HE DOES NOT LIVE THERE. why does he even care? what right does he have to get angry at your daughters? ITS YOUR HOUSE not his. further ---

...I have two daughters one is 21 the other is 18. They both live with me...They are not bad girls and there is really isn’t a big issue with them not doing things...They both work long hours and so long as it’s done I don’t mind them not doing it immediately...

in other words, it does get done BY THEM just not on HIS schedule. and that is fine by you... do you want a happy house or a clean house?

 

I’m going round in circles in my head and would really appreciate other people’s opinions please.

seriously? you think this will get better? when was the last time you heard a deathbed confession or on a gravestone 'i wish i kept a cleaner house'? you should cherish your time with your daughters. they will be out soon enough, then what. time to find a person that is more inline with your thinking over such TRIVIAL matters. oh and the next time he says anything about your daughters why not respond 'and how is yours doing'.

 

and in case i did not make my advice obvious enough --- END IT WITH HIM, TODAY

[Gaeta]

OP: When your daughters will move out your parenting job will not be done. They will come over, they will call, they will need your guidance, your advice, your financial help for a while before they get it right on their own. How will the boyfriend react when you get a phone call at 11pm from your 22 year old and she needs your help cause her car broke down in the middle of nowhere? Will he get up and rush to help her OR he'll get pissy at you again on how your kid depends on you still? I went through that when my daughter moved out and I still go through some of that years later: My daughter needed new appliances so my BF picked them up and installed them for her, she had an accident and lost her car and it's my BF that advanced her the money to replace it, she is now shopping to buy a house and my BF volunteered to redo her bathroom and kitchen. If your BF thinks it will be over because they move out he's kidding himself big time.

[ChatroomHero]

This actually made me think of one girl I dated that was a bit of a clean freak. She actually would clean up and not complain if I left a mess. She didn't give me a hard time but would just say she likes to keep certain things clean in a certain way and if she thought my kitchen counter needed to be wiped down, she didn't complain to me she just wiped it down. Or if I left plates in the sink she would start washing them.

 

 

If she came over and I had a half filled basket of laundry in my room, she would wash my clothes, fold them and put them away. The thing was, I started to do make I cleaned the dirty dishes more and the floors were mopped more often etc., out of respect for her.

 

 

I bet if this guy just shut up and started cleaning when he came over and just said, "I'm sorry, it bothers me a little, I'm a clean freak, I'll just clean the plates and tidy up the bathroom...", after a couple of weeks the daughters would see what he was doing and maybe clean up after themselves more out of guilt or respect or whatever.

[Moomard]

Thank you all for your replies and input, it’s really helped.

[basil67]

Stay in contact with us Moomard. Come back and let us know how things are going.

[BluEyeL]

All I have to say is: what a jerk! You’re setting yourself up for disaster if you end up marrying him. Protect your relationship with the kids and find a kind man to love.

[Million.to.1]

I don't have kids, but had a very similar, now EX Bf who I lived with with usually 1 flatmate.

He was very pedantic about "the way things should be" around the house.

Constantly complained to me about the flatmate doing this or that, but never voicing issues with them himself.

He would get annoyed if I left an empty glass on the coffee table.

I'm quite clean and tidy anyway.... but anything that wasn't "his" he just hated.

 

I think that people like this won't change and like things a certain way and everyone else just has to conform or they rage.

 

This is YOUR house though! He doesn't even live there! You seem totally fine with how things are and enjoy the arrangment with living with daughters so the only negative is his moaning. Disguising it as "caring" about you too is bollocks.

He is just intolerable of anything not "his way" and is projecting it onto you.

 

 

Good luck OP. I hope you can discuss it with him and he'll back off, but in my experience, people like that will always find something to moan about.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Million.to.1

[Simple Logic]

The easy solution is you always go to his home and keep your mess the way you like it.

[sabaton]

Why are your adult daughters still living with you, OP? I left my parents home when I was 18, and my father left his parents home when he was 17 to join the AirForce. I can understand why your partner is irritated with your adult children. If I was with you and you'd still have your adult daughters living with you at that age, I'd start wondering how long are they still going to be living with their mother.