NC with loose ends? (Approach/How To)

[Fun_At_best]

So, my wife left 10/28/2018 (3 and some change weeks) and NC started day 1, and last I known is she was staying with a female friend in the same apt complex (literally 100 feet away). She has came over and picked up some stuff a couple times while I was at work, but has left a lot of important/expensive things.

 

We are both on the lease, the utility bills are in her name. We got a car together 2 years ago and that is in her name. She has pretty much abandoned the car as I have the keys, but our lease needs to be renewed, the power needs to be put into my name and the internet bill needs to be terminated, but she hasn't reached out about any of these matters.

 

So I guess i'm looking for advice on if I should break contact about these issues. If I should how should I do it.

 

If you need more information feel free to post below and ask away. I am an open book.

[Mr. Lucky]

Don’t see anyway around working things out with her. With a well-prepared list, might get everything done in one meeting. Will you retain a lawyer for the divorce?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fun_At_best]

Don’t see anyway around working things out with her. With a well-prepared list, might get everything done in one meeting. Will you retain a lawyer for the divorce?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

We don't have kids, and nothing like a house to fight for. I will be filing after 6 months of separation which is state law here in VA. I don't think I need to get a lawyer. She was the breadwinner so she wont be looking for anything out of me. The dogs we got together are registered service dogs under my name so that cant be touched.

 

She left last year 1 week before Christmas which was a huge fight. After 2 weeks of NC I got into contact with her and after hours of basically begging her to let us work it out we (she) decided to try again and things were great like really great, but the things she needed to work on she didn't, when I was the one that kept my part in trying hard.

 

So this time she wants to leave again im like see ya. I'm not going to beg for your love again. I voiced my opinion when she was leaving that I didn't want this to end and I was willing to work even harder. Go to MC and she rejected.

 

So Ideally what I was thinking was writing up an email to her with everything that needs to take place, but there is 2 sides of me.. A part of me wants it to end, and the other is false hope that she will come back.. Dangerous pandoras box that im playing with, Mabe using NC as a way to get her back but yeah.. I told myself 4 weeks of NC and Ill reach out about these matters. I just didnt want to ruin my chances of working things out because deep down I am in love with her so much so I've put up with more BS than I should and mabe I should just grow a pair but.. The heart wants whats safe...

[Million.to.1]

Hi Fun_At_Best, and Welcome.

 

I feel your struggle, and it's early days for not having mixed feelings about this.

 

When your partner/wife breaks up with you and there is a reconciliation, but nothing really changes, it will just happen again.

I would treat this as the end and force yourself to look forward and not hold on to hope of getting back together with her. Regardless of if she wants to come back or not, it is the healthiest and best way forward for yourself.

She would need to be the one to make that call anyway, and by the sounds of it, she's checked out. This is the second time you've broken up and I'm sure there may have been other times when it was "over" but no move out or N/C happened and you made up within hours. Am I right?

 

 

 

Start making a written list of the things that need sorting and add to it over a few days as you think of things.

Utillities and bills can be annoying to close or transfer so call and find out from customer services what the easiest process is for this to happen will be and add it to the list for her with instructions on what she needs to do from her end. You can probably sort most of it via email without having to see her. Make it easy for yourself. she has left you with the lions share of responsibility in that department so do what you have to to keep it simple for yourself.

 

Actively think forward to being on your own and independent of her in every way. Stay busy and enjoy the company and love of your dogs.

You will feel better each day if you focus on staying busy and active and creating the new life you want without her.

[somanymistakes]

If there's still business to work out you can't go truly No Contact yet but you can go business contact only, and you can limit the communication method. Figure out what the most sensible contact method for you is (For a lot of people it's email - limits the emotions, and because it leaves a paper trail it makes people less likely to tell whoppers or rant and swear) and stick to that.

[Mr. Lucky]

We don't have kids, and nothing like a house to fight for. I will be filing after 6 months of separation which is state law here in VA. I don't think I need to get a lawyer. She was the breadwinner so she wont be looking for anything out of me. The dogs we got together are registered service dogs under my name so that cant be touched.

 

With no kids, how is she the breadwinner? You don't work?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fun_At_best]

With no kids, how is she the breadwinner? You don't work?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She just makes more money than me, I work. I can afford life on my own. So I guess I never thought I needed a lawyer. The objects we obtained through marriage were pretty much disclosed verbally during the exit of her leaving the Marital home. I take X things and She takes Y things. I never really gave her an option to chose cause my wants were limited to mostly things I had before the marriage or got on my own. We don't have anything with BOTH our names on it. The car is in her name so clearly Im not getting that. The APT is in our name but she left after trying to get me angry to leave cause she wanted to stay here in the apt and I was like nope..If you're calling it quits you're the one leaving.

 

Hi Fun_At_Best, and Welcome.

 

I feel your struggle, and it's early days for not having mixed feelings about this.

 

When your partner/wife breaks up with you and there is a reconciliation, but nothing really changes, it will just happen again.

I would treat this as the end and force yourself to look forward and not hold on to hope of getting back together with her. Regardless of if she wants to come back or not, it is the healthiest and best way forward for yourself.

She would need to be the one to make that call anyway, and by the sounds of it, she's checked out. This is the second time you've broken up and I'm sure there may have been other times when it was "over" but no move out or N/C happened and you made up within hours. Am I right?

 

 

 

Start making a written list of the things that need sorting and add to it over a few days as you think of things.

Utillities and bills can be annoying to close or transfer so call and find out from customer services what the easiest process is for this to happen will be and add it to the list for her with instructions on what she needs to do from her end. You can probably sort most of it via email without having to see her. Make it easy for yourself. she has left you with the lions share of responsibility in that department so do what you have to to keep it simple for yourself.

 

Actively think forward to being on your own and independent of her in every way. Stay busy and enjoy the company and love of your dogs.

You will feel better each day if you focus on staying busy and active and creating the new life you want without her.

 

I agree with what you're saying 100% I guess I feel im stuck in a box because even tho she left again there is unfinished business and she is ignoring it all.( a lot of the reason it didn't work out was she is too immature, and doesn't take responsibilities with urgency) I cant say im happy but I also cant say im devastated like a lot of people here feel. I do deep down love her to my very core which is why I guess its hard too.

 

We didn't break up because of an affair (that I know of) it was more because she saw me as controlling because I would have to repeatably remind her of her responsibilities that she would neglect. The trust was gone on my part.. She had crumbled my paper to many times to have a nice sheet of paper again. A lot of red flags at the start so much so my own family were worried about it, but I felt like she was the one tho there is always room for another ONE lol.

 

When she left before we had a plan to fix these issues, but after some time I continued to work on my issues and she let things go. She didnt hold up her end and that is where a lot of the fighting or arguments would happen when I tried to express my feelings about things it was always turned around on me with a nice reflection even when she was leaving she couldn't even hold her argument without bringing things up that happened before the first breakup.

 

I wrote a negative / Positive list to show myself that she isnt good for me and the negative list was 5 times longer than the positive so I know I am better off without her and fixing myself. I guess my heart really wants whats safe.. I hate dating, and I never thought I would have to get a divorce after seeing my mom go through it 2 times. We live in this throw away society to where no one wants to fix anything its easier to replace so in the end I have to remind myself its her loss, and that I will find happiness once again just like I did with her..

[Million.to.1]

 

 

I wrote a negative / Positive list to show myself that she isnt good for me and the negative list was 5 times longer than the positive so I know I am better off without her and fixing myself. I guess my heart really wants whats safe.. I hate dating, and I never thought I would have to get a divorce after seeing my mom go through it 2 times. We live in this throw away society to where no one wants to fix anything its easier to replace so in the end I have to remind myself its her loss, and that I will find happiness once again just like I did with her..

 

This kind of thing is great and really helps in those weaker moments.

 

It's so easy to want that "safe" thing you are speaking of. We all want love and I agree with your sentiments of a throw away society and getting back out there in the dating world can be daunting and scary. I totally understand.

I'm 3 months out of a 6 year relationship at 39yrs old, and it's been really up and down. I'm still struggling with getting my heart and head on the same page. There was a lot of good about the relationship but also things that weren't. I keep a list on my phone of the horrible things he said to me to look at when I start feeling I lost a good thing. I went through a huge amount of personal grief with close family deaths and depression so I wasn't my best self and became apathetic in the relationship.

He was brutal though.. said terribly cruel things in frustration which just made me worse. He is a very selfish, demanding and immature person who just wanted everything to be great all the time and had very little real empathy. We all have personal struggles and we need someone who lifts us up in the dark times and fills us with a sense of power. Some people are just incompatible this way and can't inspire positive change in each other.

 

It's hard being single again and letting go of the dreams and plans you had together. It's not just the loss of the person, it's the life you were creating together.

 

You sound like you have a good attitude. Hold on to that and your list and you will move forward.

[Fun_At_best]

This kind of thing is great and really helps in those weaker moments.

 

It's so easy to want that "safe" thing you are speaking of. We all want love and I agree with your sentiments of a throw away society and getting back out there in the dating world can be daunting and scary. I totally understand.

I'm 3 months out of a 6 year relationship at 39yrs old, and it's been really up and down. I'm still struggling with getting my heart and head on the same page. There was a lot of good about the relationship but also things that weren't. I keep a list on my phone of the horrible things he said to me to look at when I start feeling I lost a good thing. I went through a huge amount of personal grief with close family deaths and depression so I wasn't my best self and became apathetic in the relationship.

He was brutal though.. said terribly cruel things in frustration which just made me worse. He is a very selfish, demanding and immature person who just wanted everything to be great all the time and had very little real empathy. We all have personal struggles and we need someone who lifts us up in the dark times and fills us with a sense of power. Some people are just incompatible this way and can't inspire positive change in each other.

 

It's hard being single again and letting go of the dreams and plans you had together. It's not just the loss of the person, it's the life you were creating together.

 

You sound like you have a good attitude. Hold on to that and your list and you will move forward.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and your losses. I think I joined this community to remind myself that I am not alone, and that this isn't the end of a grand story.

 

As you mentioned it really is a roller coaster ride of emotion and thought. to tie it all together is the hard part. i hate how we have to wait on time to hear our wounds, and as we wait we miss other opportunities because we just hurt. Struggling to be happy alone again is the hardest part. Even tho while in the relationship I bet we felt alone anyways. Oh how life is a bunch of BS sometimes, but I do hope to find happiness inside me again. I take what lessons i've forced myself to learn through this so I can be better for the next one that falls into my lap.

[Ronni_W]

So I guess i'm looking for advice on if I should break contact about these issues.

Yes, of course you need to. 'No contact' applies to teenagers, and is also used by people whose ego needs to feel that it has somehow gained some sort of 'upper hand' over the ex,

and/or by people who think that using 'no contact' can somehow manipulate the ex in whatever way; 'no contact' is not for actual adults who have actual adult issues to work out.

 

If she refuses to discuss the outstanding financial/practical matters with you, then just tell her that you're going to deal with it on your own as best you can, and then

just be honest with the service providers. Want to keep the car? Then deal with the lease people on how to make that possible. Want to terminate the internet service? Then tell them what's going on, and find out how to get what you want about it with the least amount of hassle and money expenditure on your part.

 

Separation/divorce sucks, no matter how we look at it. No need to make it any more practically or psychologically difficult or confusing than it already, inherently is.

 

Wishing you the best.