Separation issues with ex (custody, payment, dss, etc.)

[Cojack123]

This is a condensed version.

 

I left my wife due to many issues such as anger management, sexual issues, and self harm to name a few. She was very upset and when I told her I wanted separation she damaged her vehicle, threw herself on the ground and all in front of the children. She was pregnant at this time and had behavior similar to this prior.

 

This behavior honestly reaffirmed why I wanted to leave her and so separation continues. Shortly after separation, I slept with another women who I am still currently with and very serious about. Me and my wife were together 9 years and married 5. All the time she displayed behavior which was unsettling and I can’t believe I was with her to begin with. She was the first person I ever had sex with and I believe I felt an obligation to stay with her and wanted a family (clearly a mistake with her). When we separated we tried marriage counceling to no avail. I didn’t want to be with her.

 

Regardless we have beautiful children (1, 3, and now a newborn) and I want them o be healthy and for us to get along. It’s clearly not going to happen with a crazy person.

 

So several months ago she started withholding the children from me to the point I went and got a status quo custody order. I continued to give her money and make sure bills were paid etc. she was a stay at home mom and she lives at our house and wants it turned over to her because I “abandoned the home”. I did leave, but still with good reason.

 

I now have 50/50 custody of the kids, which is what I wanted before. She has made claims that I’m harassing, intimidating, and aggressive, none of which are true.

 

I am currently living with my girlfriend and her daughter and the kids get along great and all at my place is good.

 

My ex has recently put my 3 year old in therapy for “adjustment disorder” because she says he’s having a hard time adjusting. While I know kids have to have an adjustment period in divorce, therapy for a 3 year old only months into a separation seems a bit “institutional”. Along with this she claims my son has made comments such as “——— don’t put that in my butt” while taking a bath and took him o the doctor who has informed dss. The individual my son mentioned when he said that is my girlfriends father (who has never watched the kids by himself and the kids have never even bathed at his place. He and his wife raised two kids and helped raise my girlfriends daughter).

 

My ex’s mother has mental illness in her family (should have been a red flag long ago) and her mother has convicted child molesters in her family. This is a huge concern to me because I know with my sons comments and them living with her mother it concerns me.

 

My ex’s mom and step dad have also followed me at work and been very intimidating at times.

 

Are there any suggestions on how to deal with this type of person or situation? We are going trough mediation and my sons therapy, but with all claims and dss, etc. I am having a very difficult time remaining civil. All I want is for her to get a job and move on, but she refuses to let up in any way.

 

What can I do? (I will elaborate if needed, this was more of an overview).

[Cojack123]

My ex has been in counceling and is on an anti-depressant. We also both have attorney’s and I’ve constantly consulted my attorney. He suggests keep playing nice guy and get past all of this. Just to clarify.

 

I’ve also tried settling many things outside of court but I’m struggling to stay civil with this women.

[Mr. Lucky]

This behavior honestly reaffirmed why I wanted to leave her and so separation continues. Shortly after separation, I slept with another women who I am still currently with and very serious about. Me and my wife were together 9 years and married 5. All the time she displayed behavior which was unsettling and I can’t believe I was with her to begin with. She was the first person I ever had sex with and I believe I felt an obligation to stay with her and wanted a family (clearly a mistake with her). When we separated we tried marriage counceling to no avail. I didn’t want to be with her.

 

I don't dispute your description of some of your wife's behaviors. But...

 

If she's crazy, many spouses would be crazy in the same way when their husband of 9 years moves out of their house and "shortly" into the home of another woman with kids. Do you really wonder why she's not cooperating with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cojack123]

I don't dispute your description of some of your wife's behaviors. But...

 

If she's crazy, many spouses would be crazy in the same way when their husband of 9 years moves out of their house and "shortly" into the home of another woman with kids. Do you really wonder why she's not cooperating with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The reason I left was because of her irrational behavior and anger and many other issues. She acknowledges these behaviors and has grown my kid in therapy and opened a Dss investigation and many other things. I understand she may be upset, but being unable to separate personal differences from parental care is alarming.

[Cojack123]

I don't dispute your description of some of your wife's behaviors. But...

 

If she's crazy, many spouses would be crazy in the same way when their husband of 9 years moves out of their house and "shortly" into the home of another woman with kids. Do you really wonder why she's not cooperating with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And I do get that not cooperating with money, property, or assets is one thing entirely, but throwing the kids in the middle is what is getting to be a burden. Has anyone dealt with that and how could I better proceed?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And I do get that not cooperating with money, property, or assets is one thing entirely, but throwing the kids in the middle is what is getting to be a burden. Has anyone dealt with that and how could I better proceed?

 

I suggest taking some ownership of the breakdown of your marriage and not putting the blame entirely on her. I'm not at all surprised she's upset and not handling things well. It certainly looks as if this other woman was already in the picture before you split and you probably won't be able to get her believe otherwise, which has likely only contributed to her so-called "craziness."

 

As far as therapy for a 3 year old, it seems a bit young, but hopefully it's something like play therapy?

 

It will take time for her to recover emotionally and you will have to be patient and understanding that her world has been rocked. In a perfect world she wouldn't let her emotions affect her parenting. Hopefully she is also getting therapy.

[Cojack123]

I suggest taking some ownership of the breakdown of your marriage and not putting the blame entirely on her. I'm not at all surprised she's upset and not handling things well. It certainly looks as if this other woman was already in the picture before you split and you probably won't be able to get her believe otherwise, which has likely only contributed to her so-called "craziness."

 

As far as therapy for a 3 year old, it seems a bit young, but hopefully it's something like play therapy?

 

It will take time for her to recover emotionally and you will have to be patient and understanding that her world has been rocked. In a perfect world she wouldn't let her emotions affect her parenting. Hopefully she is also getting therapy.

 

Her “so called craziness” is self harm, damage to property, anti-depressants and the like. This behavior isn’t out of the ordinary for her. She has a history of mental illness in her family. I feel like she is a professional victim. The women in With now was not at all in the picture before. I agree it may be hard to express thy, but it’s true.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Her “so called craziness” is self harm, damage to property, anti-depressants and the like. This behavior isn’t out of the ordinary for her. She has a history of mental illness in her family. I feel like she is a professional victim. The women in With now was not at all in the picture before. I agree it may be hard to express thy, but it’s true.

 

In most cases I don't think mental illness, if she has one, is a reason to divorce someone if they are seeking help for it. So if she feels like you left her because of her illness, or for another woman, she's not gonna get on board with an amicable relationship right away. My point is you may be expecting too much because you are not seeing things from her point of view. I assume she doesn't like you very much right now? It can be hard to keep that resentment out of eyesight and earsight of the kids! Trust me, I've been there! (I do much better now....but it took a couple years and therapy.

 

Do you expect her to not have resentment?

[Cojack123]

In most cases I don't think mental illness, if she has one, is a reason to divorce someone if they are seeking help for it. So if she feels like you left her because of her illness, or for another woman, she's not gonna get on board with an amicable relationship right away. My point is you may be expecting too much because you are not seeing things from her point of view. I assume she doesn't like you very much right now? It can be hard to keep that resentment out of eyesight and earsight of the kids! Trust me, I've been there! (I do much better now....but it took a couple years and therapy.

 

Do you expect her to not have resentment?

 

During the relationship I always told her that her anger and self harm was an issue. This lasted for years. I continued telling her that sex was an issue. All problems were communicated. She refused to fix these problems and got mad at me for bringing them up as issues. So no new issue, she was totally aware of all problems. She only went for help when I left. I suggested anti depressants long ago to no avail. She was in denial until it was too late.

 

I don’t have an expectation that she won’t resent me. I just want her to be reasonable and she’s never been able to do that. I want to appropriately deal with her rather then “try to fix her”. She is still in counseling and she was doing anger management classes, but not 100% sure if she still is.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

During the relationship I always told her that her anger and self harm was an issue. This lasted for years. I continued telling her that sex was an issue. All problems were communicated. She refused to fix these problems and got mad at me for bringing them up as issues. So no new issue, she was totally aware of all problems. She only went for help when I left. I suggested anti depressants long ago to no avail. She was in denial until it was too late.

 

I don’t have an expectation that she won’t resent me. I just want her to be reasonable and she’s never been able to do that. I want to appropriately deal with her rather then “try to fix her”. She is still in counseling and she was doing anger management classes, but not 100% sure if she still is.

 

I think all you can do is "lead by example." Don't engage.

[Cojack123]

I think all you can do is "lead by example." Don't engage.

 

True. That does help. I’ve done nothing but be reasonable with custody, finances, and everything. She’s just so difficult to deal with. We’ve been separated for several months. This started about 7 months ago and I’ve been moved out about 5 months.

[elaine567]

9 years together and you walked out on her with 3 kids one just a newborn, and sailed off with a new woman, nobody gets over that easily.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve done nothing but be reasonable with custody, finances, and everything.

 

According to you. Does she agree with this?

[Cojack123]

9 years together and you walked out on her with 3 kids one just a newborn, and sailed off with a new woman, nobody gets over that easily.

 

I left because of the emotional abuse I was given. All of which wouldn’t stop no matter what kind of pleading I did. You can’t change someone who refuses to change. I didn’t deserve he treatment I was given.

[Cojack123]

According to you. Does she agree with this?

 

She wants full custody and to continue to live off of my finances. She also wants to keep the house and all assets. I want to sell and split the house and she wants it to be given to her. Very entitled and hard to deal with.

 

Imagine the situation a male would create if he harmed himself in front of children and had anger management issues. While more severe, still not livable.

[Mr. Lucky]

She wants full custody and to continue to live off of my finances. She also wants to keep the house and all assets. I want to sell and split the house and she wants it to be given to her. Very entitled and hard to deal with.

 

Imagine the situation a male would create if he harmed himself in front of children and had anger management issues. While more severe, still not livable.

 

Cojack123, what's gently being suggested here is that you're conflating two things -

 

- the state of your marriage leading up to your separation

- your jump from the marriage into another live-in relationship

 

Your marriage indeed sounds untenable. If you feel you've exhausted all the options (counseling, etc.), separation and divorce are certainly supportable choices.

 

But a much more measured approach would be to get your own place, focus on the transition for your 3 kids and see the dissolution of the marriage out to its natural conclusion.

 

You've obviously chosen a different path and now seem to struggle with the idea that choice has consequences...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cojack123]

Cojack123, what's gently being suggested here is that you're conflating two things -

 

- the state of your marriage leading up to your separation

- your jump from the marriage into another live-in relationship

 

Your marriage indeed sounds untenable. If you feel you've exhausted all the options (counseling, etc.), separation and divorce are certainly supportable choices.

 

But a much more measured approach would be to get your own place, focus on the transition for your 3 kids and see the dissolution of the marriage out to its natural conclusion.

 

You've obviously chosen a different path and now seem to struggle with the idea that choice has consequences...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think at the end of the day I just want her to be a reasonable human being and she is not. I think the expectation of her being an adult is not a reality.

[minimariah2]

I think at the end of the day I just want her to be a reasonable human being...

 

nah. i don't think you do.

 

i think you want her to do what YOU want, to play by your rules, to accept your every wish - when she refuses to do that, you paint her as mentally ill. you even use her family's history against her.

 

moving in with a random woman while you have 3 small children, a newborn included is absolutely irresponsible. what's up with the rush?

 

putting your kid into therapy is not a bad idea at all, your "insitutionized" comment comes off as uneducated.

 

you're unable to accept the responsibility for your part in the marriage, like... NONE and it's a HUGE red flag, one that is pointing out to YOU as the one who's an emotional abuser and who won't cooperate.

 

cooperating is a two way street, that's not just expecting someone else will do everything your way. there are so many red flags in your behavior, you should probably think about therapy yourself.

[Cojack123]

nah. i don't think you do.

 

i think you want her to do what YOU want, to play by your rules, to accept your every wish - when she refuses to do that, you paint her as mentally ill. you even use her family's history against her.

 

moving in with a random woman while you have 3 small children, a newborn included is absolutely irresponsible. what's up with the rush?

 

putting your kid into therapy is not a bad idea at all, your "insitutionized" comment comes off as uneducated.

 

you're unable to accept the responsibility for your part in the marriage, like... NONE and it's a HUGE red flag, one that is pointing out to YOU as the one who's an emotional abuser and who won't cooperate.

 

cooperating is a two way street, that's not just expecting someone else will do everything your way. there are so many red flags in your behavior, you should probably think about therapy yourself.

 

Well those are some large assumptions. First I didn’t just move in with a stranger, I’ve been with this person since the beginning of the separation (7 months), and I’m not throwing my children into a situation. I’m giving them a happy loving home. Obviously the condensed version is missing a lot of pieces.

 

My ex kept the kids for periods of weeks until a custody order was taken out against her. The custody order I obtained was for 50/50 custody and not “by my rules”.

 

I’m paying bills and taking care of the kids and not pushing anything in her. My life at the point of separation goes at my speed. She is no longer involved in decision making or my boundaries.

 

I’m not painting her as mentally, her biting herself and pulling her hair in front of our children for years painted herself as mentally ill. Her damaging her vehicle and throwing herself to the ground in front of our children paints herself as mentally ill. Her family really does have convicted child molesters and mental illness involved.

 

Therapy is fine if it’s necessary, however therapy also can create a situation of dependency for young children who need to learn coping on their own. All kids will adjust in different ways in divorce situations.

 

I accept my responsibility in the marriage, I realize I could have pushed for counceling or shut my mouth but I doubt that would have been any better.

[Corazon de Leon]

The reason I left was because of her irrational behavior and anger and many other issues. She acknowledges these behaviors and has grown my kid in therapy and opened a Dss investigation and many other things. I understand she may be upset, but being unable to separate personal differences from parental care is alarming.

 

"Parental care"?? Are you kidding?

 

You left YOUR PREGNANT WIFE who had YOUR TWO other children under 3 years old.

 

And "she won't get a job" ??? I assume you mean "paid" job so you won't have to pay child support.

You're demanding she abandon her parental responsibilities just like you did. YOUR WIFE HAS A JOB it's called being a mother. Your children need one selfless parent to put them first.

 

Oh no. You trumped that. You lined up the next one in a matter of days, weeks... good luck with that.

 

My lawyer would've had a FIELD DAY with you lol. I hope your betrayed wife and abandoned children get a great lawyer to snap you out of lala land.

 

I assume your new girlfriend living with a married man who's wife was pregnant (don't admire her taste but I figure she's desperate) is parenting your children 50% or do you take every second week off work to "parent".

[minimariah2]

First I didn’t just move in with a stranger, I’ve been with this person since the beginning of the separation (7 months)...

 

you dumped a pregnant wife, with two kids under 3 & you think moving in with a new woman and HER kids within months of knowing each other is a good idea...?

 

you're an irresponsible father.

 

Obviously the condensed version is missing a lot of pieces.

 

it does, indeed. the pieces where YOU acknowledge the fact that you chose to marry this woman and had THREE kids with her is missing. the part where you try to accept some responsibility for your own faults in this marriage is what's missing, yes.

 

you're not giving your kids a "loving" home. you forced them into a new HOME, fabricated new family MONTHS within separating from their PREGNANT mother.

 

you have this all backwards.

 

The custody order I obtained was for 50/50 custody and not “by my rules”.

 

since that's exactly what you wanted, it is obviously is by your rules.

 

My life at the point of separation goes at my speed.

 

it should go at your kids' speed tho. THE KIDS, remember the kids? THEY should be your priority and you should adapt to them instead of forcing them to adapt to you because you're impatient to move on with your life and that ex of yours just keeps getting in the way with her emotions, doesn't she?

 

She is no longer involved in decision making...

 

she will be involved in decision making until your youngest is 18.

 

...however therapy also can create a situation of dependency for young children who need to learn coping on their own.

 

no, it can't.

 

i'm a therapist, by the way.

 

I accept my responsibility in the marriage, I realize I could have pushed for counceling or shut my mouth but I doubt that would have been any better.

 

you don't - this sentence proves that you have no idea what accepting responsibility even means. you sound extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive, incapable of admitting at least ONE fault, ONE thing you did wrong in your marriage.

 

the ex is not the problem here.

 

you are.

[Cojack123]

"Parental care"?? Are you kidding?

 

You left YOUR PREGNANT WIFE who had YOUR TWO other children under 3 years old.

 

And "she won't get a job" ??? I assume you mean "paid" job so you won't have to pay child support.

You're demanding she abandon her parental responsibilities just like you did. YOUR WIFE HAS A JOB it's called being a mother. Your children need one selfless parent to put them first.

 

Oh no. You trumped that. You lined up the next one in a matter of days, weeks... good luck with that.

 

My lawyer would've had a FIELD DAY with you lol. I hope your betrayed wife and abandoned children get a great lawyer to snap you out of lala land.

 

I assume your new girlfriend living with a married man who's wife was pregnant (don't admire her taste but I figure she's desperate) is parenting your children 50% or do you take every second week off work to "parent".

 

My pregnant wife that harmed herself in front f the children and threw stuff and constantly got in my face in front of the children to the point of them copying this behavior? Yeah I left her while she was pregnant. I don’t regret even a single day of it. If you want to harm yourself in front of my children because you can’t handle life then our marriage is not going to last.

 

I’m assuming you have a preconceived idea of “who I am” but I was a damn good husband and am still a great father to my children. The custody order revolves around my work schedule so no I don’t go to work and have her watch the kids. She has 50% of the time to get herself together and start providing for her children.

 

Take this as you may, but I was put in situations where I had to physically stop her from inflicting harm on herself. That’s not fair or reasonable for me or the kids. I have no shame leaving that type of women. She needs mental help and that’s what I suggested to her long ago and continued to suggest. It is not my fault she refuses to seek help for her issues.

[Cojack123]

you dumped a pregnant wife, with two kids under 3 & you think moving in with a new woman and HER kids within months of knowing each other is a good idea...?

 

you're an irresponsible father.

 

 

 

it does, indeed. the pieces where YOU acknowledge the fact that you chose to marry this woman and had THREE kids with her is missing. the part where you try to accept some responsibility for your own faults in this marriage is what's missing, yes.

 

you're not giving your kids a "loving" home. you forced them into a new HOME, fabricated new family MONTHS within separating from their PREGNANT mother.

 

you have this all backwards.

 

 

 

since that's exactly what you wanted, it is obviously is by your rules.

 

 

 

it should go at your kids' speed tho. THE KIDS, remember the kids? THEY should be your priority and you should adapt to them instead of forcing them to adapt to you because you're impatient to move on with your life and that ex of yours just keeps getting in the way with her emotions, doesn't she?

 

 

 

she will be involved in decision making until your youngest is 18.

 

 

 

no, it can't.

 

i'm a therapist, by the way.

 

 

 

you don't - this sentence proves that you have no idea what accepting responsibility even means. you sound extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive, incapable of admitting at least ONE fault, ONE thing you did wrong in your marriage.

 

the ex is not the problem here.

 

you are.

 

Everything you said here is false. Your cookie cutter answers pushing “women pride” is getting in the way of your view of reality.

 

My fault was that I did TOO much and gave her a sense of security. You don’t know me and don’t know that I’m a good man and am not an advocate for divorce but as I’ve explained, I felt I was doing right by marrying her and when she cannot handle herself as a grown adult, problems are going to rise.

 

So as a counselor do you accept self harm and inability to manage anger as acceptable? Would you prefer I didn’t hold her arms down so she wouldn’t hurt herself in front of our children?

 

The ex IS the problem. She is selfish and never met me halfway on anything. If it wasn’t her way it wasn’t going to happen. She controlled my work schedule, wouldn’t allow me to see friends, I let her sleep in, take naps, suggested she go do things such as girls nights, see her family alone to have a break from the kids and all I got in return was anger because “I didn’t want to spend time with her” while at the same time spending every waking moment with her because she was unable to manage her life on her own.

[Cojack123]

you dumped a pregnant wife, with two kids under 3 & you think moving in with a new woman and HER kids within months of knowing each other is a good idea...?

 

you're an irresponsible father.

 

 

 

it does, indeed. the pieces where YOU acknowledge the fact that you chose to marry this woman and had THREE kids with her is missing. the part where you try to accept some responsibility for your own faults in this marriage is what's missing, yes.

 

you're not giving your kids a "loving" home. you forced them into a new HOME, fabricated new family MONTHS within separating from their PREGNANT mother.

 

you have this all backwards.

 

 

 

since that's exactly what you wanted, it is obviously is by your rules.

 

 

 

it should go at your kids' speed tho. THE KIDS, remember the kids? THEY should be your priority and you should adapt to them instead of forcing them to adapt to you because you're impatient to move on with your life and that ex of yours just keeps getting in the way with her emotions, doesn't she?

 

 

 

she will be involved in decision making until your youngest is 18.

 

 

 

no, it can't.

 

i'm a therapist, by the way.

 

 

 

you don't - this sentence proves that you have no idea what accepting responsibility even means. you sound extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive, incapable of admitting at least ONE fault, ONE thing you did wrong in your marriage.

 

the ex is not the problem here.

 

you are.

 

Don’t you dare say im a bad father. Who was there to sweep them away when MOMMY was kicking her car and denting it, who was there to sweep them away when MOMMY hurt herself? Daddy was there and you know what? He hasn’t left yet and will never leave. I hate my ex, but I adore my kids to the end. I support all of my decisions.

[Cojack123]

you dumped a pregnant wife, with two kids under 3 & you think moving in with a new woman and HER kids within months of knowing each other is a good idea...?

 

you're an irresponsible father.

 

 

 

it does, indeed. the pieces where YOU acknowledge the fact that you chose to marry this woman and had THREE kids with her is missing. the part where you try to accept some responsibility for your own faults in this marriage is what's missing, yes.

 

you're not giving your kids a "loving" home. you forced them into a new HOME, fabricated new family MONTHS within separating from their PREGNANT mother.

 

you have this all backwards.

 

 

 

since that's exactly what you wanted, it is obviously is by your rules.

 

 

 

it should go at your kids' speed tho. THE KIDS, remember the kids? THEY should be your priority and you should adapt to them instead of forcing them to adapt to you because you're impatient to move on with your life and that ex of yours just keeps getting in the way with her emotions, doesn't she?

 

 

 

she will be involved in decision making until your youngest is 18.

 

 

 

no, it can't.

 

i'm a therapist, by the way.

 

 

 

you don't - this sentence proves that you have no idea what accepting responsibility even means. you sound extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive, incapable of admitting at least ONE fault, ONE thing you did wrong in your marriage.

 

the ex is not the problem here.

 

you are.

 

Also if you’re a therapist I hope your clients don’t have to pay a lot of money for your advice. They would be sincerely disappointed.