Separation issues with ex (custody, payment, dss, etc.)

[Mr. Lucky]

Who was there to sweep them away when MOMMY was kicking her car and denting it, who was there to sweep them away when MOMMY hurt herself? Daddy was there and you know what? He hasn’t left yet and will never leave. I hate my ex, but I adore my kids to the end.

 

Cojack123, if she's this dysfunctional, how does she provide care for a newborn and two other small children? Have you discussed getting physical custody with your lawyer?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I think at the end of the day I just want her to be a reasonable human being and she is not. I think the expectation of her being an adult is not a reality.

 

I’m sure she would also feel that you leaving her during her pregnancy and moving in with another woman is also “unreasonable.”

 

Not saying her behavior is acceptable or that you should not have left the marriage - just saying, I think your expectations are beyond unrealistic... There is a pretty significant lack of insight or responsibility for your own contributions to the state of your relationship with your soon to be ex-wife.

[Cojack123]

Cojack123, if she's this dysfunctional, how does she provide care for a newborn and two other small children? Have you discussed getting physical custody with your lawyer?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have seriously considered that. I know I don’t have proof because I’ve discussed it with my attirney, but at some point I do know that it could come to that.

[minimariah2]

Daddy was there...

 

were you there when your wife gave birth to your 3rd child and nursed the baby at home? you left her when she was pregnant - so what exactly were you there for?

 

He hasn’t left yet and will never leave.

 

you DID leave. that is a fact.

 

you left a pregnant wife & two kids under 3 UNDER HER CARE, with HER - even though you claim sve was kicking her car & hurting herself and you had to sweep them away from her... if that was the case, you'd have sole custody by now & she'd be reported to the CPS. then, you moved in with a new woman and her kids WITHIN MONTHS of

 

i believe you when you say you adore your kids - but that isn't enough & it doesn't make you a good father; your actions speak louder than whatever sentence you wrote. it is what it is.

 

your response to me show just how "mature" you are during conflicts - i can only imagine the type of stuff you say/do to your ex when she pushes your buttons.

 

you're definitely the toxic one here.

[Cojack123]

I’m sure she would also feel that you leaving her during her pregnancy and moving in with another woman is also “unreasonable.”

 

Not saying her behavior is acceptable or that you should not have left the marriage - just saying, I think your expectations are beyond unrealistic... There is a pretty significant lack of insight or responsibility for your own contributions to the state of your relationship with your soon to be ex-wife.

 

I have had. A lot of time to consider and reflect and with the way I behaved IN the marriage I gave her everything a husband should be and a father should be. I also attempted to help her get the help and assistance she needed but refused to get.

[Cojack123]

were you there when your wife gave birth to your 3rd child and nursed the baby at home? you left her when she was pregnant - so what exactly were you there for?

 

 

 

you DID leave. that is a fact.

 

you left a pregnant wife & two kids under 3 UNDER HER CARE, with HER - even though you claim sve was kicking her car & hurting herself and you had to sweep them away from her... if that was the case, you'd have sole custody by now & she'd be reported to the CPS. then, you moved in with a new woman and her kids WITHIN MONTHS of

 

i believe you when you say you adore your kids - but that isn't enough & it doesn't make you a good father; your actions speak louder than whatever sentence you wrote. it is what it is.

 

your response to me show just how "mature" you are during conflicts - i can only imagine the type of stuff you say/do to your ex when she pushes your buttons.

 

you're definitely the toxic one here.

 

I respond normally when confronted with ignorance. If I had enough for full custody I would have it but I have spoken to my attorney and due to the courts normally favoring women, I do not. That doesn’t mean by any means I am the toxic one in the relationship. I attempt all means of being civil with my ex to no avail.

 

Go ahead and respond “I don’t blame her due to your ‘immaturity’”. I was mature to see a situation and abuse for what it was and leave the person causing it. She is on medication now and attending anger management classes and therapy. She did not harm the kids but if it’s found she does or has then that will become a new issue.

[minimariah2]

...I gave her everything a husband should be and a father should be.

 

so you believe you did absolutely NOTHING wrong as a husband, during your marriage...? you also say the sex was a problem, can you elaborate? because she was PREGNANT when you left her.

 

and also, why did you move in with another woman you knew for just a couple of months after separating? why did you think that putting your kids 50% of time around someone you knew so little was a good idea?

 

also - why do you really oppose therapy to your child? have you educated yourself on the therapy, who told you/where did you read that a child could be "emotionally spoiled" if put to therapy? have you yourself considered therapy, have you ever been to therapy?

 

also - how did you give your all as a father when you dumped her while she was pregnant and probably weren't around during the first couple of months after birth?

 

the lack of your self-reflection is absolutely baffling. i've never seen someone father THREE kids with a woman and the only explanation he can come up with was "i don't know what i was thinking, i tried to help her" - this is absolutely baffling.

[minimariah2]

I respond normally when confronted with ignorance.

 

you responded with anger to me - when challenged. is responding with anger something that's normal to you?

 

I attempt all means of being civil with my ex to no avail.

 

how do you manage to be civil towards someone you claim to hate while, at the same time, you can't remain calm in a discussion with a stranger online?

 

I was mature to see a situation and abuse for what it was...

 

but you weren't mature enough to put on a condom and stop making more children with a woman who is allegedly toxic & abusive? it took you... how long to see the situation for what it was? and why did it take you so long?

 

you weren't mature enough to wait at least a year before bringing another woman and HER kids into your kids life?

 

we need answers over here.

 

She is on medication now and attending anger management classes and therapy.

 

have you considered attending anger management classes yourself and if not - why not?

 

She did not harm the kids but if it’s found she does or has then that will become a new issue.

 

do you want her to so you'd have the excuse to remove her from your life completely? do you try to provoke her into doing so?

 

why do you think she'd harm the kids if she is on medication and therapy, meaning she is trying to help herself and get her life together?

[Cojack123]

so you believe you did absolutely NOTHING wrong as a husband, during your marriage...? you also say the sex was a problem, can you elaborate? because she was PREGNANT when you left her.

 

and also, why did you move in with another woman you knew for just a couple of months after separating? why did you think that putting your kids 50% of time around someone you knew so little was a good idea?

 

also - why do you really oppose therapy to your child? have you educated yourself on the therapy, who told you/where did you read that a child could be "emotionally spoiled" if put to therapy? have you yourself considered therapy, have you ever been to therapy?

 

also - how did you give your all as a father when you dumped her while she was pregnant and probably weren't around during the first couple of months after birth?

 

the lack of your self-reflection is absolutely baffling. i've never seen someone father THREE kids with a woman and the only explanation he can come up with was "i don't know what i was thinking, i tried to help her" - this is absolutely baffling.

 

Sex was a problem because she refused to open up sexually for years. It was stale and boring and she never wanted to change positions or spice things up. She was very awkward with sex and if something wasn’t “just right” she would stop the whole process and tell me about it as criticism. This in turn made me feel worthless, unattractive, and unfulfilled. I attend pres to speak to her on many occasions about these issues.

 

Over the months I was separated I got to know and love the girl I’m with now. We have an excellent relationship and have lived together for several months. I know her well and trust her. She has a daughter and I and her are thrilled to be moving forward in our relationship. Our relationship, as yours, moves at its own speed.

 

I oppose therapy long term due to children being convinced there is something wrong with them. All the kids are adjusting normally and the therapist is well aware of her issues as is dss.

 

I have been an outstanding father by continuing a bond with my children as I had before. I knew that my ex was seeking help for herself and I have never known her to harm the children or suspect it is happening. The fact that she was pregnant does not at all excuse or justify her actions or me staying with her. I was simply done dealing with her. She is manipulative, revengeful, and she is a professional victim. At least she plays the part well.

 

I wasn’t even able to go to work on normal days for normal shift without being guilted into feeling as though I should be home with her. She was unable to properly handle stress and anger and constantly put her stress on me. She didn’t have friends and expected me to handle all of her problems.

 

She couldn’t even call a company herself to pay a power bill without breaking down due to the stress it caused her.

 

This is the individual I am dealing with and have dealt with.

[Cojack123]

you responded with anger to me - when challenged. is responding with anger something that's normal to you?

 

 

 

how do you manage to be civil towards someone you claim to hate while, at the same time, you can't remain calm in a discussion with a stranger online?

 

 

 

but you weren't mature enough to put on a condom and stop making more children with a woman who is allegedly toxic & abusive? it took you... how long to see the situation for what it was? and why did it take you so long?

 

you weren't mature enough to wait at least a year before bringing another woman and HER kids into your kids life?

 

we need answers over here.

 

 

 

have you considered attending anger management classes yourself and if not - why not?

 

 

 

do you want her to so you'd have the excuse to remove her from your life completely? do you try to provoke her into doing so?

 

why do you think she'd harm the kids if she is on medication and therapy, meaning she is trying to help herself and get her life together?

 

And yes she hasn’t sexual assault in her past that I attempted to have her deal with and work through. All I wanted was a wife that would share the responsibility equally and share the stress equally and not hurt herself in front of my kids because she couldn’t handle herself.

 

It was an awakening when I left her because she was able to realize how she had acted.

[TheRainbow]

Is anyone thinking of the children? Emotionally and mentally ill mother (assuming everything is true) and a father who leaves his pregnant wife and moves in with a woman after knowing her less than a year. It seems like the kids are an after thought.

[beatcuff]

OP, i can appreciate the fact you believe you are being attacked. but what you 'think' are attacks are actually, although disjointed, pointing out contradictions in your statements.

 

lets start with 'its all her fault'. fine you have not actually used those words but it is certainly inferred by your numerous references to her 'issues' yet i (and i assume the other posters) would have great difficulty in finding any relationship in which both parties did not have some responsibility --- or at least doubt 'they did enough'.

 

AND even if you can 'certify' it is indeed all her fault then why have 1, 2, 3 children and in rapid fire. you understand that means for nearly 4 years she was either pregnant or recovering. that is a tall order for the mentally strongest person. so fine have 1 but you had 2 more while convinced she was 'nuts'?

 

AND if you are so convinced her mental issues are the reason for you leaving then why leave 3 highly dependent children behind? if it is that bad for you then it will be the same for them? any response other than 'yes' will be a poor reflection on your father title.

 

AND we are all 'wondering' why a father would 'run away' (sorry you are) from YOUR family only to quickly join another. if instead you were alone 'to cool off' you would have gotten very different responses.

 

i think instead of 'knee-jerk' defense of your decision more self reflection would have you see 'our' points. that does not mean you would not wind up in the same spot. these points are why so many are questioning what is really going on.

 

my take -- W was stressed taking care of 1/2/3 children in diapers while pregnant, got no emotional support from you --- because you were either scared of being a father to so many or got a look of the 'mess' the pregnancies did your W body and checked out, found another and moved on.

[BaileyB]

Is anyone thinking of the children? Emotionally and mentally ill mother (assuming everything is true) and a father who leaves his pregnant wife and moves in with a woman after knowing her less than a year. It seems like the kids are an after thought.

 

This, absolutely. Not trying to be judgmental, but I have a partner with an ex-wife who is very much like the woman you describe. She has undiagnosed mental illness, and I can't imagine my partner leaving her during a pregnancy and moving in with another woman so quickly. He has done the exact opposite, because it was in the best interst of the child.

 

I understand how difficult it is to deal with an unstable, irrational, and incompetent woman everyday... it is my life. It's not easy, and you do just want to say to them "why can't you behave like a reasonable person!" But - she can't because she is irrational and perhaps, she has mental health issues. You are a therapist, you should understand that. When my partner gets frustrated, I remind him "she is not well." Just remember, the people who bear the brunt of her difficulties are her children - protect them!

Edited November 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Ok we all get the "she's nuts" but if she is suffering mentally, could some or all of this be due to pregnancy related issues ie Post Partum Depression or even Post Partum Psychosis.

3 children under 5 is also seen as a huge deal for a woman to cope with, physically and mentally, so 3 children under 3 is literally "Hell"...

[BaileyB]

Ok we all get the "she's nuts" but if she is suffering mentally, could some or all of this be due to pregnancy related issues ie Post Partum Depression or even Post Partum Psychosis.

3 children under 5 is also seen as a huge deal for a woman to cope with, physically and mentally, so 3 children under 3 is literally "Hell"...

 

Exactly. The problem becomes, you can't force the woman to get medical attention. The only thing you can do is protect the children. Document everything. Talk to a lawyer. Call 911 or CFS if she engages in self harm while they are in her care.

 

The bottom line, based on the legal advice we have been given, if you know this woman is unstable and you leave these children in her care (especially given their young ages), then you are complicit in whatever emotional abuse they suffer. As their parent, you are responsible to ensure that your children are safe - even if you have to protect them from their mother. It's a tough spot to be. Bevery careful here, and be sure that you are getting good legal advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

Over the months I was separated I got to know and love the girl I’m with now. We have an excellent relationship and have lived together for several months. I know her well and trust her. She has a daughter and I and her are thrilled to be moving forward in our relationship. Our relationship, as yours, moves at its own speed.

 

Again Cojack123, just one of the many contradictory things you've posted.

 

The time and energy needed to be a partner in an "excellent relationship" and father figure to this woman's daughter has to come from somewhere. As a divorced father of one, I didn't date for a year because my focus was on my son and establishing a new normal as a single person.

 

You'd have a lot less drama in your life if your focus was on your 3 (very) small children and the chaotic transition they find themselves in. If what you say is true, they need your help now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Starswillshine]

Even a fully sane woman would be "nuts" and uncooperative if her husband left her while she was pregnant and shortly thereafter moved in with another woman. This doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out. You left your wife, who has severe mental issues, while pregnant and 2 other small children to take care of.... to seek another life. Of course she is angry and mad and bitter. Anyone would be.

 

And I'm with everyone here, I question this father of the year or husband of the year. No one can blame you for leaving a woman with such severe issues, but why have additional children? And why the rush to move in with someone and have a new family? I'm assuming this woman was living just fine before you came into the picture. It will look suspect to anyone... you arent even divorced yet, and shacked up with another woman and her child....

[Cojack123]

OP, i can appreciate the fact you believe you are being attacked. but what you 'think' are attacks are actually, although disjointed, pointing out contradictions in your statements.

 

lets start with 'its all her fault'. fine you have not actually used those words but it is certainly inferred by your numerous references to her 'issues' yet i (and i assume the other posters) would have great difficulty in finding any relationship in which both parties did not have some responsibility --- or at least doubt 'they did enough'.

 

AND even if you can 'certify' it is indeed all her fault then why have 1, 2, 3 children and in rapid fire. you understand that means for nearly 4 years she was either pregnant or recovering. that is a tall order for the mentally strongest person. so fine have 1 but you had 2 more while convinced she was 'nuts'?

 

AND if you are so convinced her mental issues are the reason for you leaving then why leave 3 highly dependent children behind? if it is that bad for you then it will be the same for them? any response other than 'yes' will be a poor reflection on your father title.

 

AND we are all 'wondering' why a father would 'run away' (sorry you are) from YOUR family only to quickly join another. if instead you were alone 'to cool off' you would have gotten very different responses.

 

i think instead of 'knee-jerk' defense of your decision more self reflection would have you see 'our' points. that does not mean you would not wind up in the same spot. these points are why so many are questioning what is really going on.

 

my take -- W was stressed taking care of 1/2/3 children in diapers while pregnant, got no emotional support from you --- because you were either scared of being a father to so many or got a look of the 'mess' the pregnancies did your W body and checked out, found another and moved on.

 

I gave emotional support to her every day. I cleaned most of the time I made sure laundry and such was done. She has had self harming issues for year prior to me knowing her. It was a mistake to have kids with her. I was making the best attempt I could to create a family. I feel so manipulated by her. I’ve always wanted a family and so I did the best to attempt at making a great one and she was unwilling to take care of herself. I have no problem with a women’s body after giving birth. She didn’t gain weight and attraction wasn’t an issue. Her attraction to be eventually became an issue. I went to the gym constantly (not by taking time away from her or the kids), encouraged her to do the same to find what makes her feel good about herself. I supported her life in all ways. I managed the bills, made the money, cleaned the house, and all for her to constantly put her stress on me. She couldn’t handle life. I’ve attempted to get full custody but it hasn’t worked. I left because I could feel how toxic our relationship had become. I took plenty of time reflecting and being sure I was doing what was best.

[Cojack123]

Ok we all get the "she's nuts" but if she is suffering mentally, could some or all of this be due to pregnancy related issues ie Post Partum Depression or even Post Partum Psychosis.

3 children under 5 is also seen as a huge deal for a woman to cope with, physically and mentally, so 3 children under 3 is literally "Hell"...

 

Her behavior didn’t change in or out of pregnancy.

[Cojack123]

This, absolutely. Not trying to be judgmental, but I have a partner with an ex-wife who is very much like the woman you describe. She has undiagnosed mental illness, and I can't imagine my partner leaving her during a pregnancy and moving in with another woman so quickly. He has done the exact opposite, because it was in the best interst of the child.

 

I understand how difficult it is to deal with an unstable, irrational, and incompetent woman everyday... it is my life. It's not easy, and you do just want to say to them "why can't you behave like a reasonable person!" But - she can't because she is irrational and perhaps, she has mental health issues. You are a therapist, you should understand that. When my partner gets frustrated, I remind him "she is not well." Just remember, the people who bear the brunt of her difficulties are her children - protect them!

 

Thank you for having some understand in the situation. Was there anything he did that pushed for full custody in this situation? I’ve tried and especially without having anything diagnosed it isn’t possible.

[Cojack123]

Exactly. The problem becomes, you can't force the woman to get medical attention. The only thing you can do is protect the children. Document everything. Talk to a lawyer. Call 911 or CFS if she engages in self harm while they are in her care.

 

The bottom line, based on the legal advice we have been given, if you know this woman is unstable and you leave these children in her care (especially given their young ages), then you are complicit in whatever emotional abuse they suffer. As their parent, you are responsible to ensure that your children are safe - even if you have to protect them from their mother. It's a tough spot to be. Bevery careful here, and be sure that you are getting good legal advice.

 

Thank you and I absolutely will. Documentation is the best thing I have so far. It’s obviously very hard to see any of this if you haven’t been through it.

[elaine567]

Along with this she claims my son has made comments such as “——— don’t put that in my butt” while taking a bath and took him o the doctor who has informed dss. The individual my son mentioned when he said that is my girlfriends father (who has never watched the kids by himself and the kids have never even bathed at his place. He and his wife raised two kids and helped raise my girlfriends daughter).

 

 

One of the biggest issues many victims of child abuse suffer from is not being believed.

 

You hardly know your gf, never mind her father, so do not be too hasty to take the side of a virtual stranger against the word of your ex-wife and son.

All this about "he has raised two kids and is involved in your gf's daughter's care", means zilch.

Sex abusers and paedophiles can often be "lovely family men", who "couldn't possibly do anything like that", that is how they slip under the radar...

Be careful, do not let the "hatred" of your ex and "love" for your gf cloud your judgement here.

You need to be an advocate for your small son, he needs you.

[TheRainbow]

One of the biggest issues many victims of child abuse suffer from is not being believed.

 

You hardly know your gf, never mind her father, so do not be too hasty to take the side of a virtual stranger against the word of your ex-wife and son.

All this about "he has raised two kids and is involved in your gf's daughter's care", means zilch.

Sex abusers and paedophiles can often be "lovely family men", who "couldn't possibly do anything like that", that is how they slip under the radar...

Be careful, do not let the "hatred" of your ex and "love" for your gf cloud your judgement here.

You need to be an advocate for your small son, he needs you.

 

That stood out to me too. That is something so specific for a child to just make up. I know some women who suffer from mental illness and this is something they don't just makeup. I do find it alarming that he is so nonchalant about this. Or maybe he is in denial or seriously is so bitter, so convinced that his wife is crazy to not believe his son.

[BaileyB]

Even a fully sane woman would be "nuts" and uncooperative if her husband left her while she was pregnant and shortly thereafter moved in with another woman. This doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out. You left your wife, who has severe mental issues, while pregnant and 2 other small children to take care of.... to seek another life. Of course she is angry and mad and bitter. Anyone would be.

 

It will look suspect to anyone... you arent even divorced yet, and shacked up with another woman and her child....

 

Even a fully sane woman would see this still married man, with three young children, and a crazy ex-wife coming and say - "keep walking, man."

 

You have to really ask yourself about the judgment of the woman you are living with OP, that she has chosen to move in with you given the current state of unrest in your life. Most women would respect the fact that you clearly have some things to sort out and you are not ready for a relationship at this time...

Edited November 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[Cojack123]

That stood out to me too. That is something so specific for a child to just make up. I know some women who suffer from mental illness and this is something they don't just makeup. I do find it alarming that he is so nonchalant about this. Or maybe he is in denial or seriously is so bitter, so convinced that his wife is crazy to not believe his son.

 

No a medical exam and dss questioning cleared all of it up. My ex is a liar and is manipulative. Plain and simple.