Can we really survive what I've done?

[TheRainbow]

I'm not sure really where to post this? I'm not actively cheating, it's not 100% directly about my marriage, and it's talking about my mental well being right now.

 

It's eating at me inside. I've been feeling more and more depressed these past two weeks. I'm hormonal, sad, scared and just feeling so shameful.

I've been going through some old posts I have written here, and reflecting on my entire relationship. I realize that there are so many different problems I'm facing. While my on and off affair with my former boss which resulted in the birth of my daughter was my longest affair, it was hardly the only terrible thing I had brought to my marriage.

 

It has been said that I'm not capable of loving. I'm starting to believe it. While I believe I seek approval to men, who make me inferior. The bad boy, the alpha man or whatever term you want to use. I wasn't forced to do anything against my will. I flirted, had sex and continued to **** all over my marriage. I can determine that I have low self-esteem and I can decide that I pushed my husband away. I can accept that I am broken, and I can make it my goal, my mission to make myself whole. To give my husband who so desperately wants me and our marriage to work, the wife he never had, the wife I could never be.

 

I just realize, it was like an awakening, as corny as that sound. I have so many problems. I've been focusing so much time on my cheating after marriage, that I have neglected all the infidelity, the lack of commitment before marriage. I cheated from the beginning. I try to minimize that our relationship from the very first night started on the wrong foot. I was living with another man the night I met my husband. My then relationship with my ex-boyfriend was abusive and toxic, but I was still with him. I didn't tell my husband that. Instead, I let him pursue me and ask me out. When I found out my husband wanted to date for real, I broke it off.

 

He treated me well. So well, that I quit stripping despite the good money because I wanted to make him happy. I knew he didn't like it. And I wanted him to want me. We had a good relationship. But this is where my feelings are conflicted, where my "whys" get screwy. I work at a new job. I'm making okay tips; I'm very friendly especially to the men. I just knew how to act, what to say to get good tips. But there was that one customer. There wasn't anything special about him. He wasn't mean, he didn't even really tip that well. He was nice, and we talked a lot. He gave me his number, and I would text him in person while lying to my husbands face. We met up for sex, but I broke it off when I realized the other man wanted something more. I never intended on it being more than a friends with benefits relationship. I was selfish there. I wanted the stability of my husband because he was safe, he was nice, but I wanted more. When the other half of my "more" wanted a commitment, I broke it off. Then he told my husband.

 

After forgiving me, we move in together. Not only did he forgive me, and let me move in with him, I repaid him by talking to another guy. It never leads to sex, but a friendship that crossed some serious lines and it was me who broke it off before it got too serious. I guess this was my first sign of feeling some real shame, some real remorse for what I was doing. I admitted the truth with my husband. At that point, I did love him, but I was also unable to commit or to deal with my self-esteem issues otherwise I wouldn't have kept doing what I was doing.

 

I had stopped contact, only to start up the texting again. I only stopped when I found out I was pregnant the first time. I don't know what did it, but the thought of this is not how a mother should be acting. It was like a passage to grow up. When my mom found out, she was hesitant. My whole family was afraid of my ability to be a decent mother because of my flaky past. I had no education, and at that time no one but my husband knew about my cheating. So I really had a lot of baggage backed up. If I can say in the last almost eleven years, I can honestly say I was an okay mother, despite my shortcomings. I only say okay, because a great mother wouldn't continue to cheat on their father, wouldn't bring an affair baby into the world.

 

I look at my young daughter. She is innocent, and my husband loves her as her own. But I can't shake what will come of her life. I've ****ed up, and the truth of how she was conceived will come out. My husband doesn't want to talk about it but agrees reluctantly that she will find out the truth. I just hope when the news breaks, she'll accept it and it doesn't forever change her. Then to be pregnant again. The irony as this was what we wanted in the first place.

 

Like how do I overcome all this baggage? Not to mention I cheated the night before we were supposed to get married. How can someone forgive that? I walked up to him and said vows, while less than twenty-four hours, I had slept with another man. And he had to find that out on his own because I had never intended to tell him even after I wanted to divorce him. The first two years of marriage was the longest stretch of no infidelity we had. But it wasn't without our problems. I was depressed half of it, adjusted to be a mother and going to school. My husband was supportive and I'd say it was the best years of our marriage. But still, I cheated.

 

I'm sitting here wondering if I have it in me. I want to be a faithful wife and I want to be a great mother. But do I have it in me to stop? Do I have it in me, deep down inside to change? Or am I too broken? I am really trying and I am so ashamed at the things I have done to him, the things I've said and don't know if I'll ever be what he deserves. What my daughter deserves. I have mentioned these feelings to my husband and we have talked about them. He says everything will be all right. But that is always have been what he has said, for nearly fourteen years. But they haven't been all right.

 

I just needed to get this out. Just get it off my chest. Maybe a reality check I need. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe someone who gets it. But thanks for listneing.

[FMW]

Sounds like something you should probably work through with the help of a counselor. That's a lot to deal with own your own.

[TheRainbow]

Sounds like something you should probably work through with the help of a counselor. That's a lot to deal with own your own.

 

I've been seeing a counselor for a few months now. It's still early but I've just been feeling so down in the dumps.

[bathtub-row]

Just the fact that you want to be better than what you currently are tells me that you can do it. But I agree with the other poster that you need counselling in order to work through this.

 

Why do you think you've given yourself permission to do the things you've done? Is cheating a form of rebellion? A way of getting attention? Do you think you're so outstanding and beautiful that you feel the need to share yourself with as many men as possible? Are you so driven by wanting to have sex that it consumes your thinking? Do you think so little of yourself that you disrespect anyone of treats you well - like your husband?

 

I guess you're 100% certain that your daughter is another man's child instead of your husband's? The truth is, the majority of women who work in strip clubs are very messed up in one way or another. I'm not sure why that is but it seems to be true. I have a relative who had a firm rule to never, ever date a stripper. So, it seems rational to conclude that you're a troubled person who chose the path that many other troubled women have chosen.

 

You're life is somewhat of a mess but it looks very fixable from where I'm standing. You have a very understanding and forgiving husband. That's your first gold mine and he's a jewel. Why not start with learning to appreciate the things you already have and build on that.

Edited November 16, 2018 by bathtub-row

[BaileyB]

For what it’s worth, I have seen tremendous growth in your posts on this site. You have developed more insight and awareness through the self reflection that you have done, you present with more humility and you appear to be taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Six months ago, I would have said that you are cold, selfish, and entitled... I would have said that you do not know how to truly love another and think primarily about yourself - damn the consequences. I would have said that your marriage would never survive - your husband would be crazy to stay...

 

But now, I think your marriage has a good chance of survival. You are doing the work, as hard as it is and as awful as it has felt. I would say that the personal growth you are experiencing will serve you well in your life - regardless of what happens with your marriage.

 

The most interesting thing I’ve seen - you are paying it forward. You are responding to posts and sharing your experiences and the wisdom you have gained with others - you are now posting some of the very advice that were shared with you, all those months ago... You have become a very valuable member of this community - sharing your experiences and the wisdom you have gained in an honest, respectful, and non-judgmental way. Your words will be helpful to others and in doing that, I hope there is some healing for you.

 

Chin up. You will get there - nothing worth having comes without some pain and hard work. Best wishes.

[TheRainbow]

Just the fact that you want to be better than what you currently are tells me that you can do it. But I agree with the other poster that you need counselling in order to work through this.

 

Why do you think you've given yourself permission to do the things you've done? Is cheating a form of rebellion? A way of getting attention? Do you think you're so outstanding and beautiful that you feel the need to share yourself with as many men as possible? Are you so driven by wanting to have sex that it consumes your thinking? Do you think so little of yourself that you disrespect anyone of treats you well - like your husband?

 

I guess you're 100% certain that your daughter is another man's child instead of your husband's? The truth is, the majority of women who work in strip clubs are very messed up in one way or another. I'm not sure why that is but it seems to be true. I have a relative who had a firm rule to never, ever date a stripper. So, it seems rational to conclude that you're a troubled person who chose the path that many other troubled women have chosen.

 

You're life is somewhat of a mess but it looks very fixable from where I'm standing. You have a very understanding and forgiving husband. That's your first gold mine and he's a jewel. Why not start with learning to appreciate the things you already have and build on that.

 

Unfortunately the other man is 100% without the doubt the father. I wish he wasn't. Luckily he's stayed away from now. The possibility of him showing up is a possibility.

 

As for strippers, when I was there there was really two types. There was women like me, low self esteem, broken. Then surprisingly there was a lot of educated persons, college students and even stay at home mothers who would strip on the weekend for extra money. I used to bring in at least a couple hundred dollars a night. But it was so demeaning.

 

As for why I cheated so much. Maybe in the beginning of the relationship I wasn't ready to commit or maybe I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked up. I really don't know. But definitely I can contribute my cheating to low self-esteem. I was selfish, but I didn't find joy in cheating. I carried a lot of guilt and shame. When I read some of the **** I posted when I came to this site, I'm appalled, embarrassed. I was in denial and blamed my husband for being weak as the reason why I cheated. But facing reality, I realize, and acknowledge just how wrong I was. All he wanted was to be there for me, see the good in me, when I didn't even see it myself.

[TheRainbow]

For what it’s worth, I have seen tremendous growth in your posts on this site. You have developed more insight and awareness through the self reflection that you have done, you present with more humility and you appear to be taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Six months ago, I would have said that you are cold, selfish, and entitled... I would have said that you do not know how to truly love another and think primarily about yourself - damn the consequences. I would have said that your marriage would never survive - your husband would be crazy to stay...

 

But now, I think your marriage has a good chance of survival. You are doing the work, as hard as it is and as awful as it has felt. I would say that the personal growth you are experiencing will serve you well in your life - regardless of what happens with your marriage.

 

The most interesting thing I’ve seen - you are paying it forward. You are responding to posts and sharing your experiences and the wisdom you have gained with others - you are now posting some of the very advice that were shared with you, all those months ago... You have become a very valuable member of this community - sharing your experiences and the wisdom you have gained in an honest, respectful, and non-judgmental way. Your words will be helpful to others and in doing that, I hope there is some healing for you.

 

Chin up. You will get there - nothing worth having comes without some pain and hard work. Best wishes.

 

I appreciate the kind words. I expect up and downs. Right now I definitely feeling a down. I've been a little snappy but I'm working through it.

[redbaron007]

There is nothing to "fix" or "cure". You are socially monogamous(form a pair to mate and raise offspring but still have flings—or "extra-pair copulations" in science lingo—on the side) . You are not sexually monogamous(having sex with only one mate at a time). Only 3-5% of 5000 or so mammals are known to form lifelong bonds. We humans are conditioned by society to be sexually monogamous though by nature we are socially monogamous. We are naturally attracted to multiple people. Some of us choose to act on natural impulses, others choose to suppress them. You belong to the former. You cannot be "fixed" or "cured" since there is nothing to fix or cure. The sooner you and your husband accept that, the better for all of you.

[JuneL]

I have raised this point in your other epic thread, but you sort of brushed it off. People with such broken self-esteem usually didn’t have a healthy relationship with their parents and lacked love from family growing up. It sounds like your parents never raised you to be a well-adjusted person, and your husband took up the role of parenting you.

[TheRainbow]

There is nothing to "fix" or "cure". You are socially monogamous(form a pair to mate and raise offspring but still have flings—or "extra-pair copulations" in science lingo—on the side) . You are not sexually monogamous(having sex with only one mate at a time). Only 3-5% of 5000 or so mammals are known to form lifelong bonds. We humans are conditioned by society to be sexually monogamous though by nature we are socially monogamous. We are naturally attracted to multiple people. Some of us choose to act on natural impulses, others choose to suppress them. You belong to the former. You cannot be "fixed" or "cured" since there is nothing to fix or cure. The sooner you and your husband accept that, the better for all of you.

 

Even polygamous relationships require trust and proper boundaries, which I have neither of. And besides, I dont' feel internally happy from sleeping with multiple men. I feel kind of hollow. So a monogamous relationship is something I should strive for. It's what my husband always wanted and it's only fair to him, and to myself to give it a try.

[TheRainbow]

I have raised this point in your other epic thread, but you sort of brushed it off. People with such broken self-esteem usually didn’t have a healthy relationship with their parents and lacked love from family growing up. It sounds like your parents never raised you to be a well-adjusted person, and your husband took up the role of parenting you.

 

This is something I can really reflect on. On the service, I feel my relationship was decent with my parents. I always chalked it up of me being the bad seed. But it could have been a million different reasons, or even something subconscious I was missing. I mean I never felt like my husband took up anything really. It doesn't feel that way, very supportive yes, but parenting. Maybe there is some dynamic there where he is a natural leader and natural want to fix all my problems type of person. Another thing that wouldn't hurt to bring up.

[Stomper]

My wife was unfaithful to me, multiple times. I forgave her, and thought my forgiveness would make our marriage stronger. It didn't.

 

I don't know you, haven't read any of your posts except these.

But let me tell you about my ex again. She would do something wrong or nasty to me, completely independent of me, and this would usually result in her being upset at me for a long time. Why? Because if I reacted in any way, she would interpret that as me trying to make her feel bad, and that would make her angry. She was the same with our kids. It's called Narcissism.

 

Unfortunately, from the little I have read here, you show all the classic signs of Amorous Narcissism. Or possibly some form of Sociopathy. Sorry. Forget counselling, you need to see a psychiatrist who specialises in Personality Disorders.

 

Without some radical therapy, your marriage and future relationships are doomed. Please do not try to fix this yourself. You have an illness, and you can't just make it go away.

The fundamental problem is that even when you can mentally recognise your wrongdoing, and even when you can acknowledge the damage you have caused, internally you cannot emotionally process it. So the harder you work to fix what you have done, the more you will resent it.

 

But as always, seek and listen to professional advice, not the ranting of somebody on the internet.

[JuneL]

This is something I can really reflect on. On the service, I feel my relationship was decent with my parents. I always chalked it up of me being the bad seed. But it could have been a million different reasons, or even something subconscious I was missing. I mean I never felt like my husband took up anything really. It doesn't feel that way, very supportive yes, but parenting. Maybe there is some dynamic there where he is a natural leader and natural want to fix all my problems type of person. Another thing that wouldn't hurt to bring up.

 

Did they by any chance treat you like a friend and always let you get your way?

[TheRainbow]

Did they by any chance treat you like a friend and always let you get your way?

 

Yes and no. My parents did divorce when I was a child. My mom was more strict than my dad and like a lot of kids I picked up on that. But in high school, I lived with my mom the majority of the time and me rebelled. I started dating my ex-boyfriend and I didn't have a care in the world, lost a lot of the few friends I did have and really lost myself. My parents tried to ground me, take away privileges but I just didn't listen. After I finally left the ex, I apologized to my parents for being such a bitch, because I was one. They were good parents, and they did their best. I can say my husband and I are definitely a lot more strict.

[TheRainbow]

My wife was unfaithful to me, multiple times. I forgave her, and thought my forgiveness would make our marriage stronger. It didn't.

 

I don't know you, haven't read any of your posts except these.

But let me tell you about my ex again. She would do something wrong or nasty to me, completely independent of me, and this would usually result in her being upset at me for a long time. Why? Because if I reacted in any way, she would interpret that as me trying to make her feel bad, and that would make her angry. She was the same with our kids. It's called Narcissism.

 

Unfortunately, from the little I have read here, you show all the classic signs of Amorous Narcissism. Or possibly some form of Sociopathy. Sorry. Forget counselling, you need to see a psychiatrist who specialises in Personality Disorders.

 

Without some radical therapy, your marriage and future relationships are doomed. Please do not try to fix this yourself. You have an illness, and you can't just make it go away.

The fundamental problem is that even when you can mentally recognise your wrongdoing, and even when you can acknowledge the damage you have caused, internally you cannot emotionally process it. So the harder you work to fix what you have done, the more you will resent it.

 

But as always, seek and listen to professional advice, not the ranting of somebody on the internet.

 

I have seen psychiatrists in the past for different reasons and have never been diagnosed or even suggested I have any kind of personality disorder. And I certainly am not a sociopath.

[S2B]

You said you're seeing a therapist.

 

 

Have you been totally honest with that therapist?

 

 

They can't know how to help you if you don't give them all of the info that's real!

 

Have you given all the info?

[JuneL]

Stomper may have a point. From what you’ve written here, you act very impulsively, have very little empathy for others, have very low tolerance for something that’s a little unpleasant. The most puzzling is why you didn’t even bother to use protection when you had sex with your boss. We’re not talking about skipping a couple of times, but you did this routinely many many times. Did you subconsciously want to have his child?

[TheRainbow]

You said you're seeing a therapist.

 

 

Have you been totally honest with that therapist?

 

 

They can't know how to help you if you don't give them all of the info that's real!

 

Have you given all the info?

 

I have given her a rundown of the story, issues I had dealt with growing up, and stuff like that. But I had only just really dug deep into these issues. There are little details, that I'm disclosing as they come up in discussions. Kind of like when I post here. I reveal new information, new thoughts wen the topic comes up.

[TheRainbow]

Stomper may have a point. From what you’ve written here, you act very impulsively, have very little empathy for others, have very low tolerance for something that’s a little unpleasant. The most puzzling is why you didn’t even bother to use protection when you had sex with your boss. We’re not talking about skipping a couple of times, but you did this routinely many many times. Did you subconsciously want to have his child?

 

I didn't really think. It was spontaneous. I've looked up personality disorders, and the closet one, if I were to have one, would be avoidant personality disorder or maybe borderline personality disorder. I was selfish and did a lot of selfish decisions, but that is a far cry from being a sociopath.

Edited November 16, 2018 by TheRainbow

[TheRainbow]

The past two days have been a lot better. We had a decent weekend. My oldest daughter and I went shopping, while the baby and my husband stayed home. Sunday we went for a drive, it was nice.

[Arris]

I can only offer generic advice. You seem to have been through a lot and I don't know if I happened to see your other posts.

 

 

Everybody can look back on their lives and find things they are ashamed of, we all lead different lives and been dealt different hands. It's not about the extremes of any wrong doing or who did worse, it's still a bad feeling you get.

The only reason for looking back at your mistakes or things you feel ashamed of is to not make the same repeated mistakes. Learn from them, even if it takes you a few mistakes, keep growing and improving.

Don't let your past dictate where you go or what you are capable of. Every day is a new day to make progress, even if it's one tiny little step.

 

 

What matters now is where you want to be and go. Focus on what it takes to get there. If your husband forgives you, then you should forgive yourself and be content to maintain a healthy relationship and family from this point forward.

 

 

I'm sure it can be scary when you can't even trust yourself. You need to reflect on why. You need to determine what matters most to you and protect that for all it's worth. You will need to change your perspective on life and start respecting your husband more, because every man you encounter that you allow to enter your space is like a slap to your husbands face. You two need to protect each others interests.

 

 

Maybe read some books on relationships, maybe a little of the bible, and I like to recommend some stoic philosophy. Not every point you read will matter, but take note of the ones that make sense to you and your goals.

 

 

As you learn, share with your husband. A lot of things you need to conclude for yourself, but it's still a journey you can take together with the goal of strengthening your connection.

 

 

You can do it, keep working at it and be patient.

[TheRainbow]

On Monday I finally met up with the counsellor to share my thoughts, after being unable to the week before.

 

I told her about feeling so overwhelmed, feeling like I'm a lost cause and a lot of other emotions I am feeling. She talked me through them. She thinks I'm experiencing a lot of emotions based on a place of fear. We talked about some things I can do to help with overcoming self-triggers. Yoga and mediating are a few things I'm going to try. She did notice a pattern if how I handle tough situations and that is what we're going to focus on right now.

 

I also brought up if in her expert opinion I show any signs of having a personality disorder. I've been bothered about the comment that I was a sociopath. My husband noticed I had something eating at me and I told him, and he brushed it off as being nonsense, and that I shouldn't let it take up headspace. The counsellor says that I while I do show some characteristics for someone with a possible personality disorder, she doesn't believe I fit the profile for antisocial personality disorder. But she also said, she can't make a diagnosis as she isn't trained to make more than an educated guess, pretty much.

[Asw27]

I also brought up if in her expert opinion I show any signs of having a personality disorder. I've been bothered about the comment that I was a sociopath. My husband noticed I had something eating at me and I told him, and he brushed it off as being nonsense, and that I shouldn't let it take up headspace. The counsellor says that I while I do show some characteristics for someone with a possible personality disorder, she doesn't believe I fit the profile for antisocial personality disorder. But she also said, she can't make a diagnosis as she isn't trained to make more than an educated guess, pretty much.

 

I have followed your story, and in my expert opinion (as expert as the other poster's), I don't think you have a personality disorder. You sound like someone's who is working hard at getting better, leaving behind some ****ty behavior and baggage. You have been afforded a new chance to have your family, and you are making the best of it; let that thought fuel your battle.

 

Also, please never forget that you are posting about your issues in an anonymous forum. You'll often get responses all over the place. You need to learn to take what you need and brush off the rest.

 

Keep working on you. You sound like you are doing great. Many of us are rooting for you and your family.

[Armitageshanks]

Hello,

I've been following your threads and something about your first post in this this thread really reminded me of when I started out in therapy.

 

The realisation that you have problems can really put you into a funk, I remember being told it'll get worse before it gets better and my word did it for me, and it sounds like it is for you too. Something I hope you learn with your therapist soon or on your own is to sit with these problems which in itself can be difficult, but allowing yourself the mind space to just sit with them will help you realise that yes these are things that you've done but also it will help you let go of them and move forwards.

 

I see you've already spoken about yoga and meditating I found mindfulness techniques really helped "ground" me when I was having a bad time of it, to the extent where I still the do the gratitude type of mindfulness every day.

I also think your fear is something that you'll overcome as well, again I had a similar problem. It's taken me three years (your experience will vary!) to get to a point where I feel like I'm top of that emotion now and it doesn't keep me boxed in.

 

Eh, I don't know why I typed all that out, there was just something about your post that really resonated with me, similar emotions kind of thing. If you want to take anything away from these ramblings, this first posting internet stranger has been there, done it and is coming out the other side. The only real warning is that it's hard, really hard and you'll be on a roller coaster and once you get on this path you won't be able (nor want to) go back, but you CAN do it. Good luck!

[TheRainbow]

Thankfully I am starting up therapy again this Monday after a month-long hiatus. I got a lot of things i want to discuss again. I feel selfish about everything else on my plate, taking this time away from them to talk to a therapist, but I really need it. I've been feeling overwhelmed and I just want to get a handle on it before I bubble over and do something stupid. It's been a while, but I think it's this thread that suggested I have a personality disorder, and it was brought up again. I've been told I'm a psychopath, sociopath, and now someone thinks I may have bpd.