Telling the kids

[OwenW72]

All,

 

My wife and I have been married 21 years with three kids 17, 14, 8. We have been drifting apart for 5+ years with many factors contributing to that mix. After MC, IC, and varying attempts at time together and apart I asked for a divorce several weeks ago, and we have spent the time between then and now trying to get a grip on what path to take and deal with the intense emotions. For now we both live in the same house, and neither of us has told the kids. The expectation is that I will move out early next year with a transition time to make the change gradual.

 

My kids have seen many parts of our difficulty over the years and of course I suspect the older two are more aware than the youngest what it means. I am concerned about waiting very much longer because of the number of friends and family that know what is happening. Part of coping for my wife has been to talk with friends, family, and even teachers about the situation. But it is likely a matter of time before those conversations circle back through to where the kids inadvertently hear some part.

 

So I don't think a conversation can wait much longer. But I'm interested in how to approaching telling them given the age range. Is it best for all five of us to sit down together and have them all hear it, or approach them first one on one? I suspect it will be hard for my wife in particular to keep it fully together for this, but I may have trouble as well depending on their reactions. How did this go for others in this forum?

[Rockdad]

How can I put this...HARD HARD HARD! One thing I assured them was they or mom could call me day or night and I'd drop what ever and I'd be there. I got that call at 2am shortly after I moved out. My 2 yr old had a nightmare crying for me and by god I was sitting on his bed with him in less than 15 minutes. What absolutely helped the kids was I ate lunch with them everyday and saw them most evenings. Obviously given the OK by mom until things were legally finalized.

[ABernie]

I am in a very similar situation. We are not there yet, but our MC told us to talk to each child separately.

 

I dread this and I am not the one moving out! We have a timeline, but it's eating me alive! I wish I could wait the 10 years for the youngest to go to college, but I just can't.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you have to offer age-appropriate honesty, this isn't the time for "the divorce fairy is taking Daddy away". I'd talk to the two oldest together and your youngest separately, with both you and your wife involved.

 

My son was younger when I divorced, but I was surprised at how practical his questions were - "where will I sleep?", "where will my stuff be?", etc. Your 8-yr old won't ask any tough relationship questions and, based on what you've described, your teenagers won't need to. They've seen this day coming for a while...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd talk to the 17 year old alone first. Depending on the maturity of the 14 year old, you could also include them. Then talk to all 3 at once. The older kid(s) will feel valued that you appreciated their maturity to tell them first.

 

What kids care most about is how it is going to affect THEM. Where they will be living, where the pets will be going, what they are going to lose (hopefully nothing), what's going to change, how holidays are going to be impacted. They are mostly concerned with their own creature comforts so having a good plan in place that assures them their lives won't be SO disrupted will really help.

 

Also, you both should do this together. My exH refused to be a part of it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

[TheRainbow]

Back in May/June when I first wanted a divorce, we told our oldest daughter who was ten that we were separating. We kept it simple and to the point. SHe asked a few questions. She took it a little roug but otherwise after a few months accepted it. In July we separated, and just recently we decided to give our marriage another go.

[OwenW72]

I am in a very similar situation. We are not there yet, but our MC told us to talk to each child separately.

 

I dread this and I am not the one moving out! We have a timeline, but it's eating me alive! I wish I could wait the 10 years for the youngest to go to college, but I just can't.

 

I can entirely relate ABernie. Honestly, telling the kids and all the changes it means for the rest of their life has been the singular reason against following this route to divorce. Even as things have eroded to a place where it felt clear that my wife and I should separate, the idea of breaking this to the kids has been the thing that brings the doubt back. But if you feel certain it can't be repaired, waiting ten years is a recipe for far greater injury and regret. If it can be repaired, then dive head long into doing that right now.

 

And I think it's interesting, because my own therapist also emphasized having them together for the conversation because they need to know they have each other as they go through this. Particularly having the younger ones feel supported knowing their older sibling is in this with them. Either way I figure we will have individual talks and a group talk, just not sure about the order of those things yet.

[OwenW72]

I'd talk to the 17 year old alone first. Depending on the maturity of the 14 year old, you could also include them. Then talk to all 3 at once. The older kid(s) will feel valued that you appreciated their maturity to tell them first.

 

What kids care most about is how it is going to affect THEM. Where they will be living, where the pets will be going, what they are going to lose (hopefully nothing), what's going to change, how holidays are going to be impacted. They are mostly concerned with their own creature comforts so having a good plan in place that assures them their lives won't be SO disrupted will really help.

 

Also, you both should do this together. My exH refused to be a part of it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

 

This is fantastic advice. Thank you. And I think I lean toward the two older followed by a talk with all three once the older have had a chance to ask their own questions and absorb the initial impact of this. I'm hoping in that way, when we are telling the youngest, they are better prepared to be in their role of big brothers and protector for the youngest, which they have been throughout his life.

 

For a number of reasons including the troubles in our marriage, we already have the youngest in counselling. And the counselor emphasized that the biggest thing was that BOTH of us reassure the kids with us both in the room and that we never blame someone in our talks with the kids. He said it was critical that they hear it from a place where the support and coherency of their parent's role in their lives isn't falling apart, even if the relationship between their parents is profoundly changing. Same parents, new arrangement.

 

I'm really sorry to hear your husband did not sit by your side in telling the kids. That had to have insanely hard for you to do. Have you two had conversations together with the kids since that initial talk?

[OwenW72]

Back in May/June when I first wanted a divorce, we told our oldest daughter who was ten that we were separating. We kept it simple and to the point. SHe asked a few questions. She took it a little roug but otherwise after a few months accepted it. In July we separated, and just recently we decided to give our marriage another go.

 

I know each person's situation is different, but I am really interested to hear more about your decision to give it another try. How did the two of you come to that place, and how is it going? I hope it's been really positive for you and your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if you feel certain it can't be repaired, waiting ten years is a recipe for far greater injury and regret.

 

And, if as it sounds your priority is your kids, having them grow up in an emotionally sterile or hostile environment is obviously damaging. Every one of my friends growing up had a pretty good handle on the state of their parent's relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

I know each person's situation is different, but I am really interested to hear more about your decision to give it another try. How did the two of you come to that place, and how is it going? I hope it's been really positive for you and your family.

 

Long story, short. I'm a serial cheater who got pregnant as a result of an affair. I told my husband in May fully except for him to want nothing to do with me and the baby. I was not in a good place, and I was pushing him away so I asked for a divorce. He never wanted the divorce. In July we moved to avoid the other man, and separates from there. We had been intimate and found out I was pregnant. I started counseling and after living alone I missed him. We entertained the idea and now going to give it our honest best shot.

[Lanmat]

Hey Owen

 

Been seperated out of the house for almost 1 month now.

And im feeling awsome, might change with time.

 

But i now feel 100% sure about my decision.

 

My kids are younger not sure if it make it easier or harder

Telling the kid went surprisingly well, oldest 7y cried a little bit but we made sure they knew they could get in touch with me anytime and that they will see me often.

 

Imo its better to do it on the week-end.

Start things right and show them they will see you often from the beginning.

 

 

Also before starting anything go see a lawyer just to protect yourself.

Since we had about the same income i thought she would not give me a hard time about a $$ or guardianship, But even if separation was mostly mutual (was a bit more my decision) i can see she is feeling hurt and is taking it on me.

 

 

Atm im trying to make as easy as possible for her i know she took it way harder than me. I still love her as a person but not as my live partner and im trying to make sure she understand that i will be there for her if she needs me but that im never gonna get back with her.

Im very glad i did things the right way, most people would be monkey branching or cheating to get out of a LTR/marriage.

 

 

GL

Edited November 20, 2018 by Lanmat

[Oak]

I'd talk to the 17 year old alone first. Depending on the maturity of the 14 year old, you could also include them. Then talk to all 3 at once. The older kid(s) will feel valued that you appreciated their maturity to tell them first.

 

What kids care most about is how it is going to affect THEM. Where they will be living, where the pets will be going, what they are going to lose (hopefully nothing), what's going to change, how holidays are going to be impacted. They are mostly concerned with their own creature comforts so having a good plan in place that assures them their lives won't be SO disrupted will really help.

 

Also, you both should do this together. My exH refused to be a part of it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

 

I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic.

 

I got divorced just over a year ago. My (then) wife and I sat our kids (8 and 11) down and told them together. I spent days thinking about how to tell them and specifically what to say. In my case, we were divorcing because I found out that my ex had been cheating on me (for years)...the kids don't know this. In any case, after maybe 2 minutes of crying, they were full of questions about where they would live, what bus they would ride, what color walls their new rooms would have, etc. Telling my kids was the hardest thing I've done in my life. Fortunately, a year later and they are doing great.

 

Good luck!