Ex-boyfriend trying to manipulate my new relationship

[GuardedGirl]

It's been awhile since I have posted. For anyone who hadn't seen my last posts, I had posted once about being in a long distance relationship and then being blindsided by a break up that he had planned for 3 months. Then about a month after the fallout of that situation, I started seeing one of his best friends, who began pursuing me shortly after the break up. We were friends for about a year before this.

 

I am happy to report that the best friend and I have been together for over a year and a half. The relationship is pretty amazing as he is a wonderful man. Recently, he had the conversation with my ex. So, now he knows. What this post is regarding is the fact that now my ex has been underhandedly trying to get at me and manipulate me through my boyfriend. Before this wasn't an issue because he wasn't living in town, he was 6 hours away. My current boyfriend travels a lot for work, but the last time he was in town, the ex had moved back.

 

Basically, he started spending more time with him again. The ex started pulling some crap that I feel was an effort to intentionally try to shake things up in my relationship...two examples: 1. he had one of my Japanese silk ropes in the break up and gave it back to my boyfriend to give to me telling him, "it's never been used" (this was a pretty aggressive move and not necessary at all) and 2. he had the girl that I called him out for cheating on me as we were breaking up come down to visit. My current boyfriend went and hung out with them.

 

He came back and told me, "yeah, it's really clear that they are MORE than friends and definitely sleeping together." My ex went out of his way to explicitly state to him to relay to me that they hadn't slept together while we were still dating (which I knew to be false). This caused me to break down and just say well, you just confirmed it and me explaining to my current boyfriend what had happened during our relationship (mind you this girl is 21 and my ex is 28). I actually was upset that I had to even have this information in my life.

 

I had a talk with my boyfriend about the fact that I don't want my ex in my life in any way, shape or form and to not bring information like that to me and also told him that he's being naïve in not seeing that the ex (his friend) is being super manipulative. I was pretty clear that I don't want him anywhere near me. And we had the talk about how he knows that the dude is ****ty but he's been friends with him since middle school.

 

We are planning on buying a house together and moving away from this area. The point came up that it's not going to be a thing that this dude is even allowed in our home and that I am not going to be asked to leave so that he can visit (I am really putting my foot down here). I am wondering what people think about this.

 

Because, I really don't want anything to do with it. I think that my boyfriend is understanding of the situation but it really caused some issues when this stuff went down.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Your BF went behind his buddy's back & started dating the buddy's EX-GF (you). That is a pretty crappy thing to do to a friend, even if the buddy was a cheating liar. Although your EX cheated on you, he did nothing to damage his relationship with his friend, your now BF. I couldn't trust a man who so cavalier goes behind a so called friend's back. Had he been up front with your EX before now about your involvement, I could live with that but your BF keeping the identify of his new GF, the buddy's EX, from his friend is a big no no in my book.

 

Now that your EX is back, for whatever reason your BF wants to maintain the friendship. Bear in mind this isn't a friendship he cared enough about to refrain from getting involved with you or to previously disclose that you are dating.

 

Now your EX is blatantly using your BF to take digs at you. This is particularly disgusting because he is the one who cheated & the one who planned the break up. He should be happy you moved on, not trying to goad you.

 

Your BF is also a bit of douche for relaying this stuff to you. He should have just thrown out the rope and never agreed to the double date. If he wanted to see his buddy, fine. You need not have been involved.

 

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want nothing to do with the EX & to forbid his presence in the home.

 

Although I am not generally one to jump to conclusions or advance speculative conspiracy theories, my suspicions immediately climbed reading your story. Is there any way your BF is part of an elaborate plot by your EX to hurt you? Could the two of them have planned all this just to set you up for more pain? You did say your EX planned for 90 days to break up with you & he going out of his way to hurt you now. He sounds particularly cruel. The fact that your BF -- his buddy -- can't see what's going on made me wonder if he was in on it. You know these guys; I don't. I'm just saying, I don't think I could trust any of this. Based on what a ****ty friend I think your BF was to his buddy, your EX, your BF just doesn't come across as genuine to me.

[GuardedGirl]

The currently boyfriend is a great guy. I trust him 100%. He knows that my ex did me dirty. To be honest, we were good friends during the relationship (he was here in town, while my ex had moved 6 hours away by car for school and was planning on being gone for two years). My current boyfriend and I became close friends at that time as he was still in town for that whole year before the ex blindsided me with the breakup and cheating.

 

The ex is super selfish. The current boyfriend was there for me in the break up and was pretty mad at his friend for the way it all went down. He was pretty much a shoulder to lean on and about a month and a half after the break up, we ended up getting drunk and making out. There was a lot of mixed emotions because neither of us wanted to hurt my ex purposefully. We discussed why we shouldn't be doing what we were doing, but the feelings ended up being pretty strong and we ended up continuing the relationship.

 

Neither of us directly hid it from him, our mutual friends knew and no one told him. Again, he was 6 hours away and also wrapped up in his own life up north, so he wasn't exactly contacting my new boyfriend all that much (I do not think the ex is a great friend, he does what is convenient for him - fair weather type). So there wasn't a lot of direct deception going on here. Really, this was going on from a distance. Before the ex moved back down, my boyfriend flew up to see him and break the news. The ex's response was "I appreciate you telling me in person, I need some time to process this."

 

My boyfriend didn't want to tell him over text or phone. He waited until they saw one another to do so. So, no, I do not think this is a conspiracy between he and my ex. Honestly, I think the ex is a pretty ****ty friend to my current boyfriend. He's a user and I am unsurprised that he is manipulative. The current boyfriend is a good man.

 

I really love him. Socially, sometimes he doesn't realize that these things are an issue but he does recognize that my ex is ****ty to women. I told him that I felt the ex isn't that good of a friend to him but that I wasn't going to get in between that friendship because it's not my place and he's a grown ass man who makes his own decisions. If the friendship did become a problem, we would have to talk about it.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I wasn't going to get in between that friendship because it's not my place and he's a grown ass man who makes his own decisions.

 

If this is true, then he isn't subject to being manipulated, right?

 

GuardedGirl, if you believe in your BF, this includes the trust he can filter any BS your ex tells him or tries to pull. So pass on the drama and move ahead, putting the ex in your rear-view mirror.

 

Right now, you risk creating an issue where one doesn't exist...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuardedGirl]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. I totally agree. I need to just shrug it off, otherwise it will do exactly what my ex wants it to.

[preraph]

I don't think you should demand to break up their friendship. I just think you should ask your bf not to bring him around when you are there and NOT to agree to talk about you with him. If your bf can't understand what he's doing, then it's all going over his head anyway. Do not be a nag about this. Honey will work better in this situation. If he sees it's hurting you, then his protective genes might kick in. Otherwise, if you are nagging about it, he might just think the guy knows what he's talking about or something. So try to make yourself be the sympathetic one so he at least WANTS to believe you instead of him.