Ex came back 5 years later. She’s pursuing me, but doesn’t like me touching her.

[tman87]

As the title states.. cut off the part that I’m confused on hats going on. Here’s some backstory.

 

So me and my ex dated back in 2013 for a year and broke up due to her cheating and leaving me going back to her ex bf. Her life wasn’t the best during that time and she wound up having a kid with him. She reached out numerous times over those years but it never turned into anything. Fast forward to this September I was invited to her moms wedding. Since then we’ve pretty much talked everyday. When we was talking she was saying how she made the wrong choice and Its always been me that she wanted etc. I laughed at that a little because I felt it was all crap and that she was just remorseful of the crap her ex put her through and how bad she treated me towards the end. She was saying she wanted to make a family with me etc. I wasn’t giving her a yes or no and was pretty aloof of the situation as I still was hurt even though years had passed. I treated this girl better than any boyfriend she’s ever had even better than her ex she’s went back to.

 

She told me she moved back in with her mom due to the dysfunctional relationship and she was in. About a month later she was kicked out due to an argument with her moms new husband so she’s been staying in a studio apt in the meantime. Here’s the issue; we talk everyday and she initiates contact 95% of the time. It’s like we are a couple, but we’re not a couple if that makes since. I come over to her place about 4 times a week and she begs me to come over. But every time I try to touch her or be affectionate she scoffs at me not to touch her. When she changes her clothes she goes into the bathroom. This is odd to me because when we were together before she would take showers or change in front of me all the time. To add when we were together before we only had sex 2 times in the year we was together. Her ex she went back to they had sex all the time and even after we broke up she got 2 other abortions while they were together so they were pretty busy. She’s a size queen so maybe that could have been the problem. But I feel it’s odd she have a issue with me touching her or going to change in a different room.

 

I was thinking maybe she just didn’t want a relationship and wanted to be friends but when she thought I went out with another girl when I didn’t answer my phone one night she got really angry and was questioning my where . I really don’t know if she want a relationship or just want my company. I’m not sticking around for a incel relationship like I had with her in the past where we didn’t have sex for the year we was together. I also don’t want to sound wimpy asking for an relationship or where we stand type of of deal being I’ve read it makes the guy look weak. I’m really not pursuing, she’s pursuing me contact wise. So I don’t understand when I try and be affectionate she acts the way she does or go to different rooms to change. Lastly she brings up her ex/baby father every single time she talks. I told her I don’t like it and she do it anyway. Her excuse is she was with him for so long all her stories involve him and I call bs on that.. yesterday I was talking about the snow and she brought up how he loved driving when it snows etc.

 

I’d love your thoughts on this situation. Am I being played and wasting my time? I don’t want to waste my time especially knowing that she’s capable of being a cheater. She claims having a baby changed her.

[FMW]

She sounds like a hot mess.

 

You can do, and deserve, better.

[Marc878]

You are playing yourself more the she is.

[TheRainbow]

It sounds like she has either experienced something terrible or she has friend zoned you.

[basil67]

I was thinking maybe she just didn’t want a relationship and wanted to be friends but when she thought I went out with another girl when I didn’t answer my phone one night she got really angry and was questioning my where . I really don’t know if she want a relationship or just want my company.

 

What's stopping you from asking her? The time when she got angry about being with another girl would have been a perfect time for you to call her on her contradictory behaviour.

[Malin889]

She got into a fight with her mom’s husband that caused her to get kicked out? Must’ve been one heck of a fight. She seems like she doesn’t know what she’s doing or wants. Do you? Why run back to her so far if you “didn’t like the way it was last time”? And where’s her child during the kicking out and getting a new studio? Did the grandparents kick out her kid too?

[Simple Logic]

She wants a good guy around, but she has zero romantic/sexual attraction for you and never did. You are wasting your life on this one.

[anika99]

Having an honest conversation with her about her intentions will not make you look weak. What you are doing now is making you look week. You're at her beck and call, you are meeting her needs while she gives you nothing in return. You are being weak and she sees you as weak.

 

But in this case I don't think a conversation is even needed. It's pretty clear that she is not sexually attracted to you. She wants in you in her life but she is not interested in being an actual girlfriend to you. If you want more than friendship from her it's not going to happen. Just cut your losses and go.

[tman87]

She got into a fight with her mom’s husband that caused her to get kicked out? Must’ve been one heck of a fight. She seems like she doesn’t know what she’s doing or wants. Do you? Why run back to her so far if you “didn’t like the way it was last time”? And where’s her child during the kicking out and getting a new studio? Did the grandparents kick out her kid too?

 

Not a physical fight, but an argument. But he really is a a-hope. The kid is with her. That’s one thing about her is that she really cares for her kid.

[tman87]

She wants a good guy around, but she has zero romantic/sexual attraction for you and never did. You are wasting your life on this one.

 

I’m kinda thinking the same thing.

[tman87]

Having an honest conversation with her about her intentions will not make you look weak. What you are doing now is making you look week. You're at her beck and call, you are meeting her needs while she gives you nothing in return. You are being weak and she sees you as weak.

 

But in this case I don't think a conversation is even needed. It's pretty clear that she is not sexually attracted to you. She wants in you in her life but she is not interested in being an actual girlfriend to you. If you want more than friendship from her it's not going to happen. Just cut your losses and go.

 

Thanks. Unfortunately I kinda agree with you. It suck because I really like her, and I hate that I like her.

[healing light]

I have a couple of different thoughts here.

 

She could have been sexually abused.

 

Maybe she wants to save sex for an exclusive relationship and has been waiting for you to step up. But I can't really explain why she didn't have sex with you before.

 

Maybe she thinks you're good for her but she's not really feeling it in that kind of way.

 

Buttttt... the talking about the ex? To me that signifies they are not over that person. And it's disrespectful to you if you asked her to please stop. I would honestly start making yourself available for other women... I think someone would only bring up the ex that much if they were still obsessed with them.

[tman87]

I have a couple of different thoughts here.

 

She could have been sexually abused.

 

Maybe she wants to save sex for an exclusive relationship and has been waiting for you to step up. But I can't really explain why she didn't have sex with you before.

 

Maybe she thinks you're good for her but she's not really feeling it in that kind of way.

 

Buttttt... the talking about the ex? To me that signifies they are not over that person. And it's disrespectful to you if you asked her to please stop. I would honestly start making yourself available for other women... I think someone would only bring up the ex that much if they were still obsessed with them.

 

Ive called her out on talking about her ex and her excuse is all her stories involve him because they were together for so long and I never have a comeback to that. Also she has a kid with him so she likes to talk about thier arguments etc over the kid which is understandable. She still talks to him on the phone but there’s nothing I can do about that since they have a kid. I’m really lost on how to approach this. I’ve never been with a woman who had a kid before.

[salparadise]

I would honestly start making yourself available for other women...

 

 

Spoken from an attractive woman's point of view. Perhaps he should slide on down to the grocery store and make eyes at attractive females... then he can just decide which offers to accept and tak'em out to the parking lot. Sounds like a plan, eh? Well yea, for a woman maybe.

 

You see, this woman is overtly engaging in sexual selection, a subcategory of natural selection in which secondary sexual characteristics determine which males are granted access.

 

He already told us that she's a size queen. Anybody taking bets on who is closer to the mean, and who is a few standard deviations to the magnum side? I think she's consuming OP's resources, while continuing to grant sexual access to baby daddy even though they can't get along well enough to stay together. She's If tman had options he'd be too busy to think about this one, but instead he's complacently celibate, fantasizing that someday she may decide to have sex with him a third time.

 

Tman, there is nothing for you there. Gather up a modicum of self-respect and kick her ass to the curb, just like she's been doing to you. I honestly can't see how why you'd be clinging to a woman who not only gives you nothing, but disrespects you by staying involved with the ex. With nearly 4 billion women on the planet, why not find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve? It's possible, believe it.

Edited November 18, 2018 by salparadise

[elaine567]

People who are interested act interested and she is not interested in you apart from some pseudo friend thing.

She likes the attention you pile on her, hence the jealousy, but it is not real jealousy. She just doesn't want you to pile your attention onto another girl she wants to remain the focus in your world, but has no intention of being sexual with you.

 

Time to move on.

[El Duendecillo]

He already told us that she's a size queen. Anybody taking bets on who is closer to the mean, and who is a few standard deviations to the magnum side? I think she's consuming OP's resources, while continuing to grant sexual access to baby daddy even though they can't get along well enough to stay together. She's If tman had options he'd be too busy to think about this one, but instead he's complacently celibate, fantasizing that someday she may decide to have sex with him a third time.

 

Tman, there is nothing for you there. Gather up a modicum of self-respect and kick her ass to the curb, just like she's been doing to you. I honestly can't see how why you'd be clinging to a woman who not only gives you nothing, but disrespects you by staying involved with the ex. With nearly 4 billion women on the planet, why not find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve? It's possible, believe it.

 

 

This^^^

 

Tman, please read Sal's post over and over. Then read it again. All of the answers as to the why's, and your solution is contained in this one post.

[preraph]

She's not attracted to you. She's leaning on you as a friend and being unreasonable expecting you not to date since you're just friends. Sounds like it's time to call it total quits.

[MichaelD]

She is just using you, most likely when she hits the wall to have a backup good guy to use his resources, while she is having fun with other guys, mainly jerks. Open your eyes, dont get blinded by love, the biggest red flag is there and its the sex part and it reminds me of Alpha f***, beta bucks.

[tman87]

Spoken from an attractive woman's point of view. Perhaps he should slide on down to the grocery store and make eyes at attractive females... then he can just decide which offers to accept and tak'em out to the parking lot. Sounds like a plan, eh? Well yea, for a woman maybe.

 

You see, this woman is overtly engaging in sexual selection, a subcategory of natural selection in which secondary sexual characteristics determine which males are granted access.

 

He already told us that she's a size queen. Anybody taking bets on who is closer to the mean, and who is a few standard deviations to the magnum side? I think she's consuming OP's resources, while continuing to grant sexual access to baby daddy even though they can't get along well enough to stay together. She's If tman had options he'd be too busy to think about this one, but instead he's complacently celibate, fantasizing that someday she may decide to have sex with him a third time.

 

Tman, there is nothing for you there. Gather up a modicum of self-respect and kick her ass to the curb, just like she's been doing to you. I honestly can't see how why you'd be clinging to a woman who not only gives you nothing, but disrespects you by staying involved with the ex. With nearly 4 billion women on the planet, why not find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve? It's possible, believe it.

 

You are absolutely right! And from the outside looking in she should be begging to be with me as I have things going for myself and she’s struggling to stay afloat. I struggle with confidence in myself due to the fact that I fee inadequate and the fact that I usually am attracted to women outside my race but I don’t think the feeling is mutual so it makes it even more difficult for me. I want to erase her from my life but it’s so hard for me for some reason. I agree if I had more going on in my personal life I wouldn’t have time dwelling on her and what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with.

[tman87]

She is just using you, most likely when she hits the wall to have a backup good guy to use his resources, while she is having fun with other guys, mainly jerks. Open your eyes, dont get blinded by love, the biggest red flag is there and its the sex part and it reminds me of Alpha f***, beta bucks.

 

Thanks. It’s hard to argue with her about it because her excuse is her daughter is always around and she don’t want to do anything around her. I never have a comeback for that as she’s living in a studio apt at the moment. But she gets off at 10:00 on weekends when she don’t have her kid and that’s more than enough time to fool around but she never ask me to come over.