Logo Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Who's your confidant? Who do you share your feelings with? All my friends are males and they tend to describe circumstances or experiences they've had, but not their actual feelings. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings than talking about how my ex wronged me, for example. I think emasculation or the fear of it plays a big role in the way men communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I confide in my wife, wanted to put her at the top of the list. But I also have a few close, long-time friends that I'm pretty open with, and them with me. Work, divorce, kids, aging, we talk about it all in a relaxed and humorous way. Don't think we've ever felt bound by some conventional, archaic idea of masculinity... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 I confide in my wife, wanted to put her at the top of the list. But I also have a few close, long-time friends that I'm pretty open with, and them with me. Work, divorce, kids, aging, we talk about it all in a relaxed and humorous way. Don't think we've ever felt bound by some conventional, archaic idea of masculinity... Mr. Lucky Then perhaps among men, it might have more to do with self confidence. It's a two-way street and the two people involved need to have high levels of self confidence to feel comfortable opening up. Having trust is a given, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Hubby's best mate messaged him tonight. The mate's marriage has recently broken down. I asked hubby how his mate was doing and the response was that they only talk about soccer. In short, hubby sorts out issues himself. Doesn't need a sounding board. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 All my friends, but not on everything. My Brother. Thats it. If can't talk about my thoughts. Whats the point of friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 For the most part I deal with a lot of it internally. Sometimes I post on here just to get it out. But sometimes it helps to talk about it, even if the other person is only there to listen. Sometimes all you need is a sympathetic ear, someone who can acknowledge that, yes, this sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Men don't do friendship like women do. Even my closest friends have always been reluctant to venture into the realm of feelings and vulnerabilities. They talk about things, ideas, politics, etc., but mostly things with two wheels and a motor. I'm not sure why most men are so reluctant to sharing openly with each other. It probably has something to do with protecting their masculinity or some subconscious homophobic fear. Not all men, but most. I have a good male friend that I can talk to about anything. We are both attuned to human emotions, and the realities of nature. He helped get me through a tough time awhile back. We've never met in person. I also have a female friend that I can talk to openly. We walk together regularly. She is bisexual and a LCSW. She mostly gets it, although sometimes defaults to the belief that citing one exception disproves a point (theory, trend, concept). I have to keep reminding her that she is an outlier, and that trends exist right alongside exceptions, especially when we're talking about humans as opposed to physics, or where the sun rises and sets. She also has a slight tendency to think of her feelings as evidence of truth, and to subscribe to concepts of political correctness. For example, we've had a few difficult conversations about #metoo. And there is counseling/therapy. I still go about once a month even though it's not urgent like it was a year ago. It's much different than friends, and valuable. I used to believe that in a great intimate relationship with a woman a man could reveal himself completely. That might even be true with some women, but I've realized that it's not a good idea with most. Women develop a concept of who you are as a man, and it's based on who they need you to be. A man should think twice before revealing things that might undermine that other-concept for her. Link to post Share on other sites
sabaton Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Who's your confidant? Who do you share your feelings with? All my friends are males and they tend to describe circumstances or experiences they've had, but not their actual feelings. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings than talking about how my ex wronged me, for example. I think emasculation or the fear of it plays a big role in the way men communicate. I don't share my feelings with friends or family. If I'm feeling anger - I visit my local boxing gym and I throw some punches until I'm too winded to feel angry any longer. When I'm feeling sad - I go out for a run. When I'm done with it I'm usually too tired to feel sad anymore. Talking about my feelings is counter-productive, as by talking about them I magnify and give more life to that negativity, and I make them worse. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I used to believe that in a great intimate relationship with a woman a man could reveal himself completely. That might even be true with some women, but I've realized that it's not a good idea with most. Women develop a concept of who you are as a man, and it's based on who they need you to be. A man should think twice before revealing things that might undermine that other-concept for her. If you're a strong, confident, masculine man, or even if you just lean toward those traits then there's no issue being honest. Weakness, whining, being feminine, crossdressing, yeah those traits generally make women not want to hear about feelings from their man, so if that's your thing follow sal's advice. I share my feelings with my wife, when it's relevant to her. When she asks or doesn't understand why somethings going on with me. Other than that I don't have any great need to go on and on and on about my feelings to other people. Opinions maybe, feelings no. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Don't think we've ever felt bound by some conventional, archaic idea of masculinity... Now there's a tangent I could really go off on, but I don't have time right now. I preferred the conventional always-relevant God ordained masculinity. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 my dad is my confidant but we don't talk about feelings or emotions 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Then perhaps among men, it might have more to do with self confidence. It's a two-way street and the two people involved need to have high levels of self confidence to feel comfortable opening up. Having trust is a given, of course. It isn't about just the guy's own comfort. People can be comfortable and confident doing all kinds of stupid stuff,...doesn't mean it is the best thing to do. This also has to do with the effects on the one doing the listening and what impression is creates with them. A guy can be perfectly comfortable and so-called confident in spilling all his woes on a girl that he is on a first date with,...doesn't mean she is going to give him a second date. However in a well established marriage if the man already has a reputation with his wife of being a confident self-sufficient emotionally solid man,...then it can work if he doesn't get overly carried away by it. Yet there is a huge thread in these forums involving a guy with a wife and two kids where his marriage was destroyed by him being this way. So,...in the end,...it just isn't that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Sadly, no one. Last winter I was in what appeared to me to be a very 'promising' relationship. There's an old thread about it in PRC. I confided in her some embarrassing 'skeletons in my closet' related to my divorce that I still think are, while unusual, 'no big deal'. She couldn't handle it and very shortly broke up with me. I've moved on but I'll probably always mourn the loss of that relationship. Getting such a negative consequence as a result of confiding in a person I thought I could trust has greatly reinforced whatever emotional barriers I might have already had to confiding in anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 In short, hubby sorts out issues himself. Doesn't need a sounding board. Same here... I hope that means I'm in good company. If I had a medical question, I would confide in my doctor, but not about my feelings (unless those feeling slipped into some form of clinical depression). To "Logo": If you are having issues dealing with a breakup and you feel it is bordering on depression, its OK to discuss this with a health professional. They should be bound by doctor-patient confidentiality. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I used to believe that in a great intimate relationship with a woman a man could reveal himself completely. That might even be true with some women, but I've realized that it's not a good idea with most. Women develop a concept of who you are as a man, and it's based on who they need you to be. A man should think twice before revealing things that might undermine that other-concept for her. This is true... I don't confide in anyone..On rare occasions, a situation may arise that lends itself to a discussion with one of my closer male allies, but it never gets beyond superficial "can you believe this shyt" type of stuff...So, its more like a "getting it off your chest" type of thing rather than some in depth confiding... . It's probably unhealthy to stew over things and carry on pissed off thinking about it, but that's normally what I do... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 You can always post anonymously on a message board if you don't feel comfortable confiding in anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I preferred the conventional always-relevant God ordained masculinity. If that's your choice, feel free to suffer in silence. None of this has anything to do with with strength, will or true masculine cognizance. The "strong, silent type" is an unhealthy cliche... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Sadly, no one. Last winter I was in what appeared to me to be a very 'promising' relationship. There's an old thread about it in PRC. I confided in her some embarrassing 'skeletons in my closet' related to my divorce that I still think are, while unusual, 'no big deal'. She couldn't handle it and very shortly broke up with me. I've moved on but I'll probably always mourn the loss of that relationship. Getting such a negative consequence as a result of confiding in a person I thought I could trust has greatly reinforced whatever emotional barriers I might have already had to confiding in anyone. Was the loss of the relationship due to you confiding per se or was it more to do with what you confided? "skeletons in cupboards" can by themselves be dealbreakers. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 If that's your choice, feel free to suffer in silence. None of this has anything to do with with strength, will or true masculine cognizance. The "strong, silent type" is an unhealthy cliche... Mr. Lucky That's the real disconnect though, it's not about suffering in silence. You're not suffering. Even when you take a hit, when things don't work out, it might sting for a bit but it heals. You don't need to blab on and on endlessly. You're strong enough to get over it and not make the same mistakes again. A couple of my ex-coworkers like to share their feelings on facebook a lot, memes about their pain, motivational memes. One guy posted this pic of a guy with 20 knives in his back comforting a woman with one, whining about how mens pain is ignored. No real surprise his wife just left him for another man. Women don't like weakness and that's exactly what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I tend to be the one confided in most often, and I rarely have much to confide in others about. If it's a case of introspection, I often have it covered - an old and very good friend of mine is the only one who's more helpful than myself. Sometimes if I'm stuck on reading others, I confide in either one of my parents or one of my siblings. My brothers are highly observant and logical men, if a little old fashioned in comparison to me, someone who they'd consider a "progressive". They aren't the most emotional fellows but they're very understanding regarding such issues, as am I. My father is probably the one person whose advice towards me tends to be strangely spot on. I'm much less shy about my thoughts and feelings these days, but I haven't shared them within the context of confiding in honesty. RE the subject of masculinity, I think it's much to do with social conditioning rather than anything innate regarding feelings and confiding. Vulnerability is inevitable as a human, and anyone who denies you the space to process your lows under the guise of "that's not what men do" then you should probably tell them to eat several cyanide pills. I am privileged to be someone able to process my emotions without having to do too much confiding but I make it a point to be there for others who don't have such luxury, and that includes my male friends. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Was the loss of the relationship due to you confiding per se or was it more to do with what you confided? ''skeletons in cupboards'' can by themselves be dealbreakers. For the sake of 'argument', assume that it had to do with the specific 'skeletons'. In the context of this thread, it's an experience that mitigates, at least for me, to in future confiding in no one. Since I would want and hope that my SO was the person in all creation who would be most accepting of me, having that not be the case puts a perspective on the limits of the male/female relationships that are frequently discussed here on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Who's your confidant? Who do you share your feelings with? To the extent I do, it's with a couple close friends I've known for decades. All my friends are males and they tend to describe circumstances or experiences they've had, but not their actual feelings. Sounds familiar. A bit more open now that we're in our 60's and 70's but still there's a bit of competition and one-upsmanship/dominance in play. We give room for illness/death since some guys are either sick themselves or taking care of ill spouses. Some have died. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings than talking about how my ex wronged me, for example. I think emasculation or the fear of it plays a big role in the way men communicate. Pretty common, avoid letting on a woman has gotten to you. Sure path to getting ribbed or frozen out. Weak. Not in control. What decades of real experience taught is people really don't care and I didn't so much learn it from personal experience but watching how people I loved and respected were treated by others in the realm you describe. That and getting beaten for showing emotion. Now all that's left is male anger. That's the appropriate emotion to express. Society has deemed it so. Well, I have cried at a few funerals but even that's hard now. Long road to learning to love oneself so I don't depend on others for confiding in. Work it out and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 My mates and i talk about everything. I don`t understand why you wouldn`t. Me and my blokes love each other. We are mates. One in trouble, all in trouble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I confide in my siblings. My brother and I are too much alike so sometimes it's like talking to myself. So mostly my sister. Used to be my wife almost exclusively but we had a breakdown in trust. I getting back there with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 My mates and i talk about everything. I don`t understand why you wouldn`t. Me and my blokes love each other. We are mates. One in trouble, all in trouble. Yur a lucky man having such good mates. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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