He Wants Kids and I Don't

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

ehhh, I dunno. I'm torn about this subject. In one hand, part of me would love to have children. I look at Ramesses II and how he had over 200 children, and then I look at Genghis Khan and I realize he had over 3000 sons.. and I'm impressed and envious as hell.

 

But then I think about how there are 7 billion people and most people are nothing special, physically, aesthetically, and mentally, and I reckon that my chances of producing a Brad Pitt are nill, and my chances of producing a man like Cristiano Ronaldo are even lower than that... yeah.

 

But I do get those baby-making urges from time to time. When that occurs, instead of looking at girls I find to be attractive and imagining what they look like naked, I'm looking at those girls and picturing what our sons in common would look like

 

 

Awww, that is sad, but I'm glad a place like that exists for people who need to talk about it. I experienced a strong desire to be a mother and my infertility journey was emotionally painful. When I finally became a mother, I felt like my purpose in life had been fulfilled. I still remember hearing my daughter cry as they wheeled her down the hallway to my room at 5AM a few hours after she was born because I was breastfeeding and was the only person on earth she needed .

 

However. I totally get why people might choose to not have kids! Sometimes I think they are more enlightened than the rest of us! Kids are hard, hard work. For a long, long, time . Nobody should ever feel guilty for admitting that.

[misspalmy]

Maybe you need to end it. kick him out. To be kind to him he needs to find someone who wants what he wants. you need find someone who wants what you want.

[brigit87]

You think you don't want to have kids, but you just don't want to have kids with your current husband, if and when you find another man you consider 'alpha' you will realize you want to have his babies...this is the same dynamic with women who have hot sex at college, do crazy things in college sexually with 'alphas' e.g bj, 3some etc but won't even give their husbands a 'bj' even if to save their marriage..or the cheating wife having hot sex e.g anaal he refused to let dear husband try

 

Divorce him, you want kids, and you will have kids, but not with him, he is a 'beta' to you,your subconscious is tell you this...get an alpha..

 

That is silly.

 

I'm not sure how you came up with this at all.

[darkmoon]

maybe he could be a stay-at-home dad

 

 

but that is the rub, imo, not many men seek out the 24/7 responsibilities, the men like playtime, but supervising teething etc. is not all fun, too, his career would falter

[Just a Guy]

So where's the OP? I think a lot of folks have weighed in with their opinions giving relevant advice to the OP. However she seems to be reluctant to address the issue head on.Just a thought.

[standtall]

OP, you have already checked out of this marriage...you are only fooling yourself. Divorce him and let him move on.

[Jamess1]

That is silly.

 

I'm not sure how you came up with this at all.

 

Women's different behavior with different men - a woman can be a prude with one man, and be a sluut with another - depending on how hot she considers a man - she can be adventurous with one man and be restrictive with another.

 

What is sexuality ? How did we evolve to be sexual beings ? Finding a man attractive, finding a man hot and seksy, wanting to f*ck him the whole night - is just an evolved 'trick' telling you that he has good genes/get him to get you pregnant...it's an optimization of feminine hypergamy. I submit to you that any woman who claims she regrets having kids simply didn't have them with a man she considers alpha-she is regretting not getting the best genes, alpha genes-no woman regrets having alpha kids, even if that the alpha guy was a cheat-I am yet to meet an attractive woman who married an alpha and regretted having his kids-ordinary girls don't think twice having unprotected sex with rock-stars, a basketball player with 3 baby-mamas and still counting-nothing is random....

 

If she started dating Leonardo dicaprio (anyone in anyway she real considers an alpha, it's subjective), she will suddenly have a change of hurt and give him as many children as he wants...don't underestimate evolution,biology - women produce an egg and bleed every month until they are 45 years - this is just hypergamy, the same reason women are freezing their eggs waiting for Mr Right, for an alpha-it's now even becoming a crisis in UK...they all say they do want families and kids, but somehow Mr Right is not showing up, so she waits even after her 40's...although they do want to have kids and a family someday..and this usually affects 'successful and driven' women, since hypergamy doesn't allow a woman to marry down-rather consider an alpha a man below her...

[IndigoNight]

OP, this is not directed at you, specifically. It just never ceases to amaze me that so many people get married before discussing things like children, career goals, personal beliefs, boundaries, etc. or realizing some issues cannot be conquered by "love". I have known so many people who make their friends think "Did the two of you even talk before you got married?" My exH married a woman who never wanted children. Considering he has a son with me from when we were married. I have always wonder why she bothered dating him, much less marrying him. Now, he has no relationship with our son because he chose her over our son. To me, it is reprehensible to choose a new spouse over one's own child (our son was 8 when they married).

 

OP, did you and your husband discuss whether or not you both wanted children before you got married?

 

Are you afraid to have children? Or, is being a mother something that just holds no interest for you? You keep going back and forth, so what is causing that. Most people I know who didn't want children rarely wondered "What if" and were dead set on NO children. If you don't want children because you had a bad childhood, just remember, you can correct many of the mistakes of the past. The best example on how to be a great parent is often having come from lousy ones,

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. The problem would be if you have been giving your husband false hope that you may eventually change your mind. If you don't want kids, then you need to stop being wishy-washy, and getting his hopes up, only to let him down again. Let him go, that way he can find a woman he might have children with, and you can stop feeling like you might give in just to appease him.

 

Don't waste any more of each other's time over children that you want one day, but not the next. Especially if it breaking his heart when he realizes that he gave up having a child to marry you. He seems to desperately want a child, and you don't sound like you are his best option for that dream to come true for him. Sorry.

[RecentChange]

I submit to you that any woman who claims she regrets having kids simply didn't have them with a man she considers alpha-she is regretting not getting the best genes, alpha genes-no woman regrets having alpha kids, even if that the alpha guy was a cheat-I am yet to meet an attractive woman who married an alpha and regretted having his kids-ordinary girls don't think twice having unprotected sex with rock-stars, a basketball player with 3 baby-mamas and still counting-nothing is random....

 

If she started dating Leonardo dicaprio (anyone in anyway she real considers an alpha, it's subjective), she will suddenly have a change of hurt and give him as many children as he wants...don't underestimate evolution,biology - .

 

 

Jesus Christ, where is the vomit button?

 

I was 10 years old when I declared I have no interest in EVER being a "mommy" and I would not be having any children.

 

I don't like kids, I don't even pretend that I like kids. I love my life, my freedom to do as I wish with my time, my money, my career, my hobbies.

 

Not for one stinking moment in 40 years have I desired to have children. Once upon a time I even had a very successful "Alpha man" try to change my mind. He promised a wonderful life - but wanted children. I didn't budge and set him free.

 

The life style of a mother, the duties and responsibilities, raising a child, all of that has always had absolutely zero appeal to me.

 

And more and more women are standing up to the pressures of society to the "you'll change your mind" crowd and guess what? More women than ever before are choosing not to have children. Because for some, its not all love and joy, it actually sucks.

 

As nothing to do with Alpha males - guess what? It has NOTHING to do with the men at all!!

 

We are greater than instincts and biology. Human social structure has changed over the millennia - we are no longer monkeys.

 

As for the OP dilemma - like others have said, its a conversation that should have happened WAY before marrige. I had always had the "I never want kids" talk within the first month of dating. Made it clear as day there will not be any babies.

 

My husband was relieved to meet someone that feels the same way he does - and we have had a lovely 18 years and counting without the burden of children. We love our lives - I know others enjoy their children, but any time we see our friends that have kids, we are so thankful that is NOT us.

Edited November 20, 2018 by RecentChange

[preraph]

^ This. Especially the "vomit button" part and "it has nothing to do with men."

[Wallysbears]

Women's different behavior with different men - a woman can be a prude with one man, and be a sluut with another - depending on how hot she considers a man - she can be adventurous with one man and be restrictive with another.

 

What is sexuality ? How did we evolve to be sexual beings ? Finding a man attractive, finding a man hot and seksy, wanting to f*ck him the whole night - is just an evolved 'trick' telling you that he has good genes/get him to get you pregnant...it's an optimization of feminine hypergamy. I submit to you that any woman who claims she regrets having kids simply didn't have them with a man she considers alpha-she is regretting not getting the best genes, alpha genes-no woman regrets having alpha kids, even if that the alpha guy was a cheat-I am yet to meet an attractive woman who married an alpha and regretted having his kids-ordinary girls don't think twice having unprotected sex with rock-stars, a basketball player with 3 baby-mamas and still counting-nothing is random....

 

If she started dating Leonardo dicaprio (anyone in anyway she real considers an alpha, it's subjective), she will suddenly have a change of hurt and give him as many children as he wants...don't underestimate evolution,biology - women produce an egg and bleed every month until they are 45 years - this is just hypergamy, the same reason women are freezing their eggs waiting for Mr Right, for an alpha-it's now even becoming a crisis in UK...they all say they do want families and kids, but somehow Mr Right is not showing up, so she waits even after her 40's...although they do want to have kids and a family someday..and this usually affects 'successful and driven' women, since hypergamy doesn't allow a woman to marry down-rather consider an alpha a man below her...

 

You know, I want to get all up in arms and vapidly disagree with this.

 

But then I sit back and can't. Because the bold is true when i think about it.

 

Blunt, not well worded, not eloquent by any stretch but true.

 

And honestly...OP...you don't love your husband. You haven't. You really should just go and leave him and let both of you find happiness with other people.

[RecentChange]

You know, I want to get all up in arms and vapidly disagree with this.

 

But then I sit back and can't. Because the bold is true when i think about it.

 

Blunt, not well worded, not eloquent by any stretch but true.

 

And honestly...OP...you don't love your husband. You haven't. You really should just go and leave him and let both of you find happiness with other people.

 

If this was so true, why are these so many absolute losers of men who have a variety of bastard children?

 

Does his drug addiction make him “alpha”? Or may be the way he can’t keep a job?

 

The thing is, successful people, ones with wealth, social standing, education etc, tend to have less children, and even fewer out of wedlock.

 

While, less successful people, those in poverty, those without educations, or opportunities, or social standing- those are the ones that tend to have more children, especially out of wedlock.

 

If this “all women want to get pregnant by alpha males” thing was so true, why hasn’t every president been the sire of dozens of children?

 

Every CEO with a harem of baby mommas?

 

Because we are monkeys. There is a lot more to our social dynamics than biology.

[Wallysbears]

If this was so true, why are these so many absolute losers of men who have a variety of bastard children?

 

Does his drug addiction make him “alpha”? Or may be the way he can’t keep a job?

 

The thing is, successful people, ones with wealth, social standing, education etc, tend to have less children, and even fewer out of wedlock.

 

While, less successful people, those in poverty, those without educations, or opportunities, or social standing- those are the ones that tend to have more children, especially out of wedlock.

 

If this “all women want to get pregnant by alpha males” thing was so true, why hasn’t every president been the sire of dozens of children?

 

Every CEO with a harem of baby mommas?

 

Because we are monkeys. There is a lot more to our social dynamics than biology.

 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you either.

 

I think the answer to your question as to why are there a bunch of complete losers with a harem of children by a multitude of women would be that those particular women were attracted to those men and somehow saw them as "alpha". In their particular socioeconomic circles, perhaps those men were the "best"?

 

Yes, humans and mating are MUCH more complicated than biology. But I think it naive to rule out the role that biology does play to an extent.

 

I have known and even dated many a "good guy" who would have provided a comfortable life - but to whom I was not attracted physically. And I don't think we can discount the role that chemistry/biology DOES play in sexual relationships.

[brigit87]

Jesus Christ, where is the vomit button?

 

I was 10 years old when I declared I have no interest in EVER being a "mommy" and I would not be having any children.

 

 

I knew early on as well that kids weren't in my future.I'm still confused as to why so many women find this appealing. It seems like such a burden.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brigit, don't worry, the human race is on it way to slow extinction by the looks of it. I guess ladies like you and RC will not have to worry about babies and small kids as there won't be any around after a while to bother you. Fact is, I recently read somewhere that men in general, are rapidly losing their fertility levels and so a few generations down the road the only record of the human race would be in the history books of whatever species survives us.

 

Those ladies who desperately want kids, and they are in the majority, are going to find it more and more difficult to have them, precisely because of low fertility on the part of both women and men. If one looks at the number of IVF cases and also of adoption, one can see that having children even if they are not one's own, is one of the primal driving forces of Nature which has programmed us accordingly. Yes, as human beings we have a choice to have or not to have children and everyone has the right to exercise that choice whichever way they wish. However, overwhelmingly, people all over the world have this primal desire to procreate and I think one cannot fault them for it or question them about it. Just a thought. Best wishes.

[brigit87]

Hi Brigit, don't worry, the human race is on it way to slow extinction by the looks of it.

 

I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion. The human race is slowly wiping out all the other animals on this planet taking over their homes and food sources. If people stopped procreating for ten years the world would become more balanced.

[Jamess1]

Jesus Christ, where is the vomit button?

 

I was 10 years old when I declared I have no interest in EVER being a "mommy" and I would not be having any children.

 

I don't like kids, I don't even pretend that I like kids. I love my life, my freedom to do as I wish with my time, my money, my career, my hobbies.

 

Not for one stinking moment in 40 years have I desired to have children. Once upon a time I even had a very successful "Alpha man" try to change my mind. He promised a wonderful life - but wanted children. I didn't budge and set him free.

 

The life style of a mother, the duties and responsibilities, raising a child, all of that has always had absolutely zero appeal to me.

 

And more and more women are standing up to the pressures of society to the "you'll change your mind" crowd and guess what? More women than ever before are choosing not to have children. Because for some, its not all love and joy, it actually sucks.

 

As nothing to do with Alpha males - guess what? It has NOTHING to do with the men at all!!

 

We are greater than instincts and biology. Human social structure has changed over the millennia - we are no longer monkeys.

 

As for the OP dilemma - like others have said, its a conversation that should have happened WAY before marrige. I had always had the "I never want kids" talk within the first month of dating. Made it clear as day there will not be any babies.

 

My husband was relieved to meet someone that feels the same way he does - and we have had a lovely 18 years and counting without the burden of children. We love our lives - I know others enjoy their children, but any time we see our friends that have kids, we are so thankful that is NOT us.

 

My response was referring to women who wanted kids, had them and for 'some' reason regretted it. A staggering majority of women want to have children sometime in their lives, women who don't want to have kids are an extreme minority. The exception is not the rule.

 

I referred to a crisis of women who are freezing their eggs, so they can still have a child someday, beyond their fertility window - these women are are still way more than women like you : women who don't want to have kids.The reason they give is 'I haven't found right guy yet', which has something to do with men. Of cause the feminist lie plays a role...

 

You will notice this with a lot of celebrities who are postponing having kids - only to desperately have a change of heart in their 45's and going through expensive IVF treatments. There is a large number of women like you, who terribly regret not having kids, or sacrificing motherhood for a career-believing that working to enrich a strangers company was better than working for their kids and families as a mother -the regret comes later though, after the option is completely gone...

[Jamess1]

I knew early on as well that kids weren't in my future.I'm still confused as to why so many women find this appealing. It seems like such a burden.

 

You are the minority of women who don't want to have kids. They (the majority of other women) are confused to why you don't want to be a mother. You are the exception to the rule - but when feminists talk they make it sound as if all women don't want kids, or all women hate men, or all men rape women...

 

Most women who didn't comment here, do want to have kids...you are the 'confusing one'...

[Jamess1]

If this was so true, why are these so many absolute losers of men who have a variety of bastard children?

 

Does his drug addiction make him “alpha”? Or may be the way he can’t keep a job?

 

The thing is, successful people, ones with wealth, social standing, education etc, tend to have less children, and even fewer out of wedlock.

 

While, less successful people, those in poverty, those without educations, or opportunities, or social standing- those are the ones that tend to have more children, especially out of wedlock.

 

If this “all women want to get pregnant by alpha males” thing was so true, why hasn’t every president been the sire of dozens of children?

 

Every CEO with a harem of baby mommas?

 

Because we are monkeys. There is a lot more to our social dynamics than biology.

 

A drug addict or jobless dude can be alpha, and educated or rich men can be beta..

 

Alpha has nothing to do with success...the abusive bad boy who abuses his girl-friend but she never reports him, goes back to him, and refuses to press-charges after the police arrest him and still cheats with him after she has moved on to a ''nice'' guy who worships her and even cheats on the 'nice' guy with her abusive and bad-boy ex ...and misses him while with her husband, who is educated, loyal, faithful..etc she struggles to leave him becoz he is alpha - go to the 'abuse's' section of this forum...

 

Alpha is contextual and subjective and even relative - the type of men women fuuck in their 20s are not the same type of men they gets married too...The idea is to understand what motivates our behavior in inter sexual context..

 

Our behavior is deeper than the contemporary state of our environment - not so long ago sex always meant a very real risk of pregnancy; there were no contraceptives or condoms..

[Mrs._December]

You are the minority of women who don't want to have kids. They (the majority of other women) are confused to why you don't want to be a mother.

I'm not confused at ALL at the women here who are childless by choice. I applaud them for knowing what they want in life and for following through with achieving it. What's so confusing about THAT?

[brigit87]

I'm not confused at ALL at the women here who are childless by choice. I applaud them for knowing what they want in life and for following through with achieving it. What's so confusing about THAT?

 

Thank you .

 

I think more women are going to choose not to have children now that the stigma of "not" procreating is diminishing.

 

There might be 45 year old women who regret not having children. I'm 50 and still happy about my choice. I don't mind kids I just don't want them.

[alphamale]

Thank you .

 

I think more women are going to choose not to have children now that the stigma of "not" procreating is diminishing.

 

There might be 45 year old women who regret not having children. I'm 50 and still happy about my choice. I don't mind kids I just don't want them.

 

kids are great as long as they belong to someone else

[bathtub-row]

I think you have to entertain the possibility that he was subtly manipulating you with that gesture and comment he made. If you mostly don’t want children, you shouldn’t have them, especially if you’re career-minded. You’ll constantly be pulled in two different directions and plagued with guilt about whatever choice you make. If I were you, I’d cut my husband loose and let him find someone he’s more compatible with. It sounds like the two of you struggle a great deal anyway. But even if this were a dream relationship, the kid thing is a total dealbreaker.

Edited November 21, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brigit, it isn't I who has come to that conclusion on my own but am just reporting what I read in articles here and there, purportedly based on scientific research. However, I won't labour the point. Make your own opinion on the matter. I just thought I would throw it out there as others may also have come across such articles. Best wishes.

[brigit87]

Hi Brigit, it isn't I who has come to that conclusion on my own but am just reporting what I read in articles here and there, purportedly based on scientific research. However, I won't labour the point. Make your own opinion on the matter. I just thought I would throw it out there as others may also have come across such articles. Best wishes.

 

Lots of woman want children I hear it all the time. And older women are freezing eggs.

 

I just don't understand what the fuss is all about. I never did. I suppose I get my material instincts out with dog training. IDK.