Girlfriend needs time

[Codww2]

Hello guys,

 

After our big first fight in our 2 year relationship. My girlfriend decided that she needs time. But i don’t know what this means. I have been jealous and this was causing me to be possesive. I know i’m not like this. This fight was last week.

 

The struggle i’m having now is, what does she mean by time? Am i allowed to date others, move on?

 

She contacts me every 2-3 days to tell about her day. But when i try to ask her if we can work the fight out and talk like grown up as the fight was not worth losing our relationship. She says that she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

Yesterday i was going out with my friends and she found out and texted me where i was going and with who. I’m trying to give her the space and time, but it is like she isn’t allowing it to herself.

 

We go to the same church and bible study, so i would see her like 2 times a

week. I would like to go to the church and stuff, but if she needs space. It is probably better that i stay awaw from there?

 

I don’t know what to do. Because my life doesn’t stop and i can’t wait for her untill she decides she want to talk?

 

Can someone advice me on this matter and let me know what to do or think?

Are we done or is there still a chance?

[Garcon1986]

Explain to us what this fight was about?

How old are you two?

Are you college students/ employed/ graduate school/ something else?

[ExpatInItaly]

We need a lot more context to your relationship and this fight, OP.

 

From the sounds of it, she's on the young side. Having a big fight, calling time, but not wanting to even talk about it are usually indications of immaturity or lack of experience with relationships. I will wait for more details from you before giving further thoughts, though.

 

But no, you don't have to stay away from church just because she will be there. It's not only her turf; you are free to go too.

[Codww2]

Explain to us what this fight was about?

How old are you two?

Are you college students/ employed/ graduate school/ something else?

 

The fight was about me being jealous. She told me she would go with some schoolfriends to visit a city. First, i said okay no problem. Enjoy. But there was this boy that was trying to hit up on her. And i asked if he was coming. And i said you aren’t going then. You should understand that i don’t want that he is near you. She told me that she doesn’t even want to be with him and she was going for her girlfriends. And then she started about that i didn’t even trust her since the start of the relationship. That i think she is a sl*, while she is not even looking to others. But at that time, i was stubborn and i told her she was not going, because i don’t trust the guy. But she wouldn’t see it like that. And i told her that if she was going that it wouldn’t end well between us.

 

And this argument was going on for like 3 days. And then i decided to just let her go. And then she told me that she would need some space, because she was very hurt by me and she cried her eyes out. She didn’t want to feel like that again. She told me that she doesn’t have anything to tell me. She couldn’t open her heart back to me.

 

So i was like okay, take your space. And now we have been a week further and she has been contacting me like 2-3 times. But it is still the same, and i don’t want that. I want us to work it out and talk about it.

 

I’m 23 and she is almost 20. I’m employed (engineer) and she is still studying. She is young and very insecure. She never knows what she wants. Everything in her life has questionmarks on it. This is her first relationship.

Another thing is, she has very strict parents. They don’t allow her to go out,...

Edited November 17, 2018 by Codww2

[ExpatInItaly]

The fight was about me being jealous. She told me she would go with some schoolfriends to visit a city. First, i said okay no problem. Enjoy. But there was this boy that was trying to hit up on her. And i asked if he was coming. And i said you aren’t going then. You should understand that i don’t want that he is near you. She told me that she doesn’t even want to be with him and she was going for her girlfriends. And then she started about that i didn’t even trust her since the start of the relationship. That i think she is a sl*, while she is not even looking to others. But at that time, i was stubborn and i told her she was not going, because i don’t trust the guy. But she wouldn’t see it like that. And i told her that if she was going that it wouldn’t end well between us.

 

Stay in your lane, son.

 

You are her boyfriend, not her father. You don't get to tell her what to do. She doesn't require your permission to go or not. This tells me the dynamic between you two is not the best, or you wouldn't feel entitled to tell her what she can and cannot do.

 

It is one thing to tell her you weren't comfortable with this, but it is plain controlling when you start forbidding your own girlfriend to do things. You don't trust him, and you don't trust her, either. If you did, you would trust that she would put appropriate boundaries in place if a guy hits on her.

 

Judging by your other thread here, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/642620-complicated-relation this argument is but one of many problems in the relationship.

[Codww2]

Stay in your lane, son.

 

You are her boyfriend, not her father. You don't get to tell her what to do. She doesn't require your permission to go or not. This tells me the dynamic between you two is not the best, or you wouldn't feel entitled to tell her what she can and cannot do.

 

It is one thing to tell her you weren't comfortable with this, but it is plain controlling when you start forbidding your own girlfriend to do things. You don't trust him, and you don't trust her, either. If you did, you would trust that she would put appropriate boundaries in place if a guy hits on her.

 

Judging by your other thread here, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/642620-complicated-relation this argument is but one of many problems in the relationship.

 

I know that. You don’t have to remind me. I have been horrible. No one is perfect, everyone has is faults. But how i see this, it can be worked out...

Everything was going very good. My last thread this was worked out like after a week. As i told u before, this is our first big fight.

 

She is calling for space. But what is this? Why does she contact me?

Edited November 17, 2018 by Codww2

[Garcon1986]

In this situation wanting space means she is really annoyed or upset that you don't trust her not to flirt with other guys on the trip. You both will need to show each other some more trust if this relationship is to go forward. This fight was definitely not worth the pain that it inflicted on both of you.

 

 

When a woman hints to you she might be meeting other men, the only correct response is to know that you are the most excellent gentleman she can get her hands on. You should have stopped at "go have fun on your trip", and been ready to walk away if she was sleeping with other guys on that trip. You should be able to have faith that she will stay with you if you are really that valuable, and that you should be ready to move on if she didn't want the relationship in the first place. The most powerful negotiating position is being ready to leave a deal and meaning it - anything less implies insecurity and lack of a solid emotional grounding to the lady.

[Codww2]

In this situation wanting space means she is really annoyed or upset that you don't trust her not to flirt with other guys on the trip. You both will need to show each other some more trust if this relationship is to go forward. This fight was definitely not worth the pain that it inflicted on both of you.

 

 

When a woman hints to you she might be meeting other men, the only correct response is to know that you are the most excellent gentleman she can get her hands on. You should have stopped at "go have fun on your trip", and been ready to walk away if she was sleeping with other guys on that trip. You should be able to have faith that she will stay with you if you are really that valuable, and that you should be ready to move on if she didn't want the relationship in the first place. The most powerful negotiating position is being ready to leave a deal and meaning it - anything less implies insecurity and lack of a solid emotional grounding to the lady.

 

Exactly, so what do i do? Just wait untill she contacts me back or tell her that she can contact me back if she is ready to talk about it?

[Garcon1986]

"I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused you before leaving your trip. I know that it can be hard to come back to someone who said that to you, but I want you to know that I recognize it wasn't really the smartest thing to say. I'm ready to give you a hug and open arms if you are ready to come back and talk. Until then, I hope we can both move forward from this. Hope you are feeling a bit better these days, and wanted to send you lots of happy thoughts".

 

 

That's about what I would say.

[Codww2]

"I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused you before leaving your trip. I know that it can be hard to come back to someone who said that to you, but I want you to know that I recognize it wasn't really the smartest thing to say. I'm ready to give you a hug and open arms if you are ready to come back and talk. Until then, I hope we can both move forward from this. Hope you are feeling a bit better these days, and wanted to send you lots of happy thoughts".

 

 

That's about what I would say.

 

I tried this on different occassions when she contacted me. She told me that she didn’t want to talk about it. Because it reminds her again to it. This is what it make so difficult for me right now. Like what does she even want?

[Garcon1986]

Then the next thing you should do is play the cool customer. You've got the apology across - that's good. This is her first relationship, so she is probably extremely extremely hurt, similar to what us guys would feel like if we got bodyslammed by a bouncer. If her parents know about this then they are probably lecturing her about how a relationship was a bad idea. It's going to take her a while to get over this, if she even chooses to. So, the next route you take is patience, and being the gentle-man. Just be a calm and collected bloke at the next date, whenever that may be. Invite her on a followup date. There's always the potential that she could leave after this too.

[Codww2]

Then the next thing you should do is play the cool customer. You've got the apology across - that's good. This is her first relationship, so she is probably extremely extremely hurt, similar to what us guys would feel like if we got bodyslammed by a bouncer. If her parents know about this then they are probably lecturing her about how a relationship was a bad idea. It's going to take her a while to get over this, if she even chooses to. So, the next route you take is patience, and being the gentle-man. Just be a calm and collected bloke at the next date, whenever that may be. Invite her on a followup date. There's always the potential that she could leave after this too.

Another thing i forgot to mention. Everytime she calls me: she is like oh no you should block me. I don’t know why i called..

 

It seems like she is trying to wait untill she is over the pain and then end it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Another thing i forgot to mention. Everytime she calls me: she is like oh no you should block me. I don’t know why i called..

 

It seems like she is trying to wait untill she is over the pain and then end it.

 

She is also very young and inherently inexperienced with dating and relationships. The less-mature among us tend to behave the way she is now - waffling, not knowing what she wants, changing her mind one day to the next. I didn't grow up in a strict household, but I was not so different as a teen girl myself.

 

My best guess is that she is tired of the sneaking around (to avoid her parents' disapproval of her dating you) and she is not happy that you don't trust her and have tried to control her, too. If she is controlled at home, the last thing she's going to want from a boyfriend is yet another person who tries to restrict her. So, she probably is thinking of ending the relationship, for a number of reasons.

 

Keep in mind that it will likely be a while before she is mature enough for a truly serious relationship. Regardless of her parents' beliefs, she is barely an adult and just learning about herself. Think carefully about how viable a long-term, serious relationship would really be with her.

[Garcon1986]

Is that the only thing she says to you, oh you should block me? Or does she actually have a conversation? If she actually has a conversation, maybe you can invite her back on a date. If the essence of her conversation is go ahead and block me, then I would have a conversation about going your separate ways.

[Codww2]

Is that the only thing she says to you, oh you should block me? Or does she actually have a conversation? If she actually has a conversation, maybe you can invite her back on a date. If the essence of her conversation is go ahead and block me, then I would have a conversation about going your separate ways.

 

She talks about her day and how stressfull it was. She told me that normally she would tell me this, but she couldn’t. She was even laughing.. but sometimes she says stupid things i guess.

 

Thursday, i noticed a like on my video i shared on facebook. It was my girlfriend who liked the post. It is weird as i had removed her on facebook. So this means she searched me up and did that intentionally for attention. What i did next was sending her a text that i had to talk to her and i would call her later in the evening. I did that and the conversation went well. But she wasn’t ready to talk about the fight or move on yet..

[Simple Logic]

That must have been one heck of an argument. She is cutting you loose a day at a time in the only way she knows how to. It is over and past time for you to move on. If you sought that, simply ask her if you two are done. Sounds like she is ready to tell you.

[Garcon1986]

Ok in that case, be ready for a breakup, it's probably happening. You can invite her out on a date to see her comfort level in going back to you. If she hesitates, then you can be fairly certain this is a dead end. You are hearing the words of a conflicted GF who is leaning towards leaving.

[Codww2]

Ok in that case, be ready for a breakup, it's probably happening. You can invite her out on a date to see her comfort level in going back to you. If she hesitates, then you can be fairly certain this is a dead end. You are hearing the words of a conflicted GF who is leaning towards leaving.

 

She doesn’t want to see me.. so i should ask if it is done now?

[Garcon1986]

You wish her the best, hope she finds happiness, heal for yourself, and learn lessons mate.

[Codww2]

You wish her the best, hope she finds happiness, heal for yourself, and learn lessons mate.

 

Okay so i just asked what it is she wants. (Is it done or is he willing to make up)

She told me that she never said it is def over. She told me this: ‘ i know why you are askong this now. Yesterday you went out and now you want it done so you can see other girls.

 

I told het that this is not the case, i just want to know where we are. And going out is not for seeing other girls...

 

And then she started telling me about what she done: that she found a cheap christmas tree,... and that she was really happy. Like nothing happened?

 

She also told me she is keeping herself busy all day so that she doesn’t think about it.

 

I told her ‘okay, i see. But i’ll leave you now. Think about everything. Take your time, when you are ready to talk. Call me. Take care!’

Edited November 17, 2018 by Codww2

[Whodatdog]

She doesnt know what she wants. I dont think she will until she has to decide for herself if she wants to be with you or not, and Im not sure she can do that still being in contact with you. I wouldnt contact her for a week, and I would ignore any calls or texts from her, at least for a few days. Let her see if she truly wants to break up with you, let her feel how it will be to be without you. It may end up being what she wants, or she may realize she doesnt want to be without you. I dont think she can decide as long as she can keep talking to you on her terms.

[sabaton]

But there was this boy that was trying to hit up on her. And i asked if he was coming. And i said you aren’t going then. You should understand that i don’t want that he is near you. She told me that she doesn’t even want to be with him and she was going for her girlfriends. And then she started about that i didn’t even trust her since the start of the relationship. That i think she is a sl*, while she is not even looking to others. But at that time, i was stubborn and i told her she was not going, because i don’t trust the guy.But she wouldn’t see it like that. And i told her that if she was going that it wouldn’t end well between us. {snip}

 

Girls get hit on all the time, dude. Doesn't matter if she's in a relationship or not, she will always have guys trying to smash. Unless you can deal with the constant competition that you have to endure because guys want to sleep with your girlfriend, the best thing you oughta do is to end the relationship and to not end up emotionally attached to your next girlfriend.

 

She's 19? That's stiff competition you're going to have there, with all of those athletic college boys trying to get with your girlfriend, and at your girlfriend's age, it's not like women are exactly looking for a relationship leading to marriage. Well, at least many of them aren't. And this is your girlfriend's first relationship. maybe she misses the freedom of being single and not having to answer to jealous/insecure boyfriends?

 

Oh, and don't try to control your girlfriend. This isn't Pakistan, men don't own women. That's the fastest way for you to end up getting dumped, acting like the insecure boyfriend. You're basically pushing the girl into someone else's arms. Also, the truth is that she can get a new boyfriend a lot faster than you can get a new girlfriend. So, chill, and don't aggravate the girl.

 

She doesn’t want to see me.. so i should ask if it is done now?

Yeah, the relationship is pretty much over. She probably was having some doubts about you, and then when you tried to tell her which guys she can be near or not that made her realize that she doesn't want to be with someone who tries to control her. Heal up, stay away from dating for a bit, and when you're ready get out there and don't do in your next relationship what you did in this one. Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Codww2]

I’m so confused. You guys tell me it’s done, but when i ask her it isn’t...

[Lotsgoingon]

We're telling you that in reality ... 99 percent of the time in cases like this, the relationship is going to end. So in that sense, the relationship is over.

 

You're asking a different question. You're asking if the implicit contract between you and her is now "over" such that you can honestly go out and date another person ... such that you can honestly tell someone you meet at bar that you are not dating anyone. And the answer there is, she has not officially dumped you. And you have not officially dumped her.

 

So no, you haven't officially broken up. But just to ask that question shows you're being way too passive. You're observing and not participating in the relationship. Do YOU want to break up? This is the time to tell her you want to break up or that you want to try again and curb your jealousy.

 

Telling her to take her time and take all the time in the world--way too passive. I can't tell whether you want to be with her or not.

 

And that passivity is probably a reason for your jealousy. You're not asking for what you want in the relationship--you're just sorta a passenger going along for the ride ... yeah, you would get jealous.

 

Dude, you're in the driver's seat--along with her. But you're not getting that. Do you want to be with her or not? Don't worry about HER answer. Answer that for you! ... and then proceed. Better yet, think about what changes you want in her behavior that would make the relationship more satisfying to you.

Edited November 17, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Codww2]

{snip}

Dude, you're in the driver's seat--along with her. But you're not getting that. Do you want to be with her or not? Don't worry about HER answer. Answer that for you! ... and then proceed. Better yet, think about what changes you want in her behavior that would make the relationship more satisfying to you.

 

But like what can i do now, beside being passive? She is not ready to talk. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to break up.. i already told her that this can be solved and i’m willing to curb my jealousy.

I know 100% what i’m going to say to her when she is ready to talk. And what she needs to change about her behaviour. (Not bombing me with text messages when i’m going out, which she did everytime) Or the getting mad the next day and playing hard to get because i went out with my friends. I’m not the only one guilty in this relation..

 

The only thing i can do is wait, right?

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator