how not to be angry at females

[BMWN52]

I've been through a lot this year. I was engaged from 29-30, I thought I found the " one". In May of this year, my world was turned upside down when my fiance left me and expressed how she " wanted to live on her own" so she moved out on mothers day and left our engagement rings. I suspect, she-monkey branched and left me for someone else, because she moved on so quick emotionally. (I also found evidence that was talking to someone. ) Prior to the breakup, I insisted we see an Army Chaplain or therapist because we were arguing a bit. Mostly because I wanted to move to another state for better quality of life and she was not onboard. I made several attempts at therapy and she failed to show multiple times. So I knew she was full of it.

 

I eventually healed from that ordeal. Left a bit jaded and upset, I was drinking and doing risky things like riding my Honda CBR600RR ( motorcycle) fast and through the twisties to clear my mind.

 

 

I decided to head up to Portland Oregon, I met a girl online and we hit it off immediately. She is Russian/Georgian. We had great chemistry right off the back, showed me around town. She was one of the rare girls, that found my jokes funny and laughed at them. We just felt natural around each other. Everything was going great until I expressed to her how I needed a bit of time before jumping into a relationship. I really regret saying that to this day.( I even expressed to her that was a mistake) It's a haunting pivotal moment in my life. But despite that fact, she continued to talk to me until I left back to CA. She ended things with me, telling me " You're a great guy but" Then I find out, her ex-came back into the picture. So basically I was used as a " rebound" for her to test the waters.

 

I've tried dating other females and haven't felt the same chemistry as I did with that Russian girl. Now, I have a jaded look on females, very suspect of all them. I used to be that " good guy" that would commit myself 100% to a woman and really make them my universe. I'm starting to view them as a skewed perspective to protect myself.

 

I feel pressured to keep dating because I'm 30, going on 31. I don't want to waste more time. But I know healing is also a process. Any advice? I think for most guys at 30, it's a turning point where they kinda have thrown the towel in for relationships. I don't want to be that angry jaded guy!

 

I feel like I'm not valued much and can be easily discarded..

Edited November 18, 2018 by BMWN52

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, you could start by recognizing that an entire gender does not all share the same qualities and characteristics. "Females", as you call us, are not all the same. You know this.

 

But I would start by looking to see if you maybe put your eggs in one basket too soon with this Russian woman. How long did you actually date her? What do you mean it went south when you said you didn't want to jump into a relationship - was she pressuring you?

 

I am also unclear if you moved out of state when you say you went back to CA from Portland. If you were relocating or only in Portland temporarily, you can't be too surprised that she wasn't interested in keeping things going with you, no? I'm not sure it's fair to say she used you, if that's the case.

Edited November 18, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[BMWN52]

Well, you could start by recognizing that an entire gender does not all share the same qualities and characteristics. "Females", as you call us, are not all the same. You know this.

 

But I would start by looking to see if you maybe put your eggs in one basket too soon with this Russian woman. How long did you actually date her? What do you mean it went south when you said you didn't want to jump into a relationship - was she pressuring you?

 

I am also unclear if you moved out of state when you say you went back to CA from Portland. If you were relocating or only in Portland temporarily, you can't be too surprised that she wasn't interested in keeping things going with you, no? I'm not sure it's fair to say she used you, if that's the case.

 

You're right that was the wrong approach. I was with her for a total of 3 weeks ( talked for a few months), we saw each other almost every day when I was visiting the area. We talked every day, I mean she was telling me basically everything about her life. How she immigrated here, her family,etc. She claims to have had a " feeling" the day I left back home. Which to me is an odd statement because we had dinner, talked and she and I became physical. She continued talking to me up to the point where her " ex" popped back into the picture. She claims the relationship was over 10 months ago, but I'm thinking it was much sooner than that. Eventually, she said she had become " confused". and communication had dropped. I'm particularly, finding it hard to let her go because the chemistry was strong in such a short amount of time.

[losangelena]

As a 38-year old “female,” I can tell you that your notions around 30 being some sort of pivotal age in dating is a load of horse crap. 30 is nothing. Your entire life is ahead of you still. There is fulfillment to be found in and out of relationships.

 

If I were you, I’d try and take some time to dissect why you feel this pressure, and decide whether you want to conform to some societally-dictated timeline, or experience the freedom of doing your own thing. Ask yourself why you feel angry at an entire gender for the acts of just a couple, and try to ascertain where blame could more logically be applied. Lastly, we’re “women,” not “females,” and the fact that you toss that term around so freely suggests something of a negative mindset. Women will not come near a man with a chip on his shoulder.

[basil67]

BMWN52, you start to trust again by recognising your role in your own downfall.

 

With your fiance, you wanted to move and she didn't. No amount of counselling was going to change how she felt. Yes, she was able to move on relatively quickly because you wanted something different to her and she knew the relationship was going nowhere. Staying firm to what she wants isn't being 'full of it'.

 

The Russian girl? You wouldn't commit to a relationship so she found someone who would. You seriously expected her to wait around in case you became ready one day? She has done absolutely NOTHING wrong.

 

First one was incompatibility. Second one was squarely on you. Nothing to be jaded about.

[carhill]

I found anti-psychotics to be very effective. Zyprexa, 2.5mg BID

 

More seriously, chilling out with other stuff away from women or thoughts of women. When I get marital flashbacks I'll sit out by the creek and clean my gun. Works wonders.

[ExpatInItaly]

BMWN52, you start to trust again by recognising your role in your own downfall.

 

Yes, I agree with this too.

 

You're not helping yourself much by assuming the women wronged you, OP. I don't see that here, with either of these women really. You played a role in the demise of both situations, too.

[BMWN52]

BMWN52, you start to trust again by recognising your role in your own downfall.

 

With your fiance, you wanted to move and she didn't. No amount of counselling was going to change how she felt. Yes, she was able to move on relatively quickly because you wanted something different to her and she knew the relationship was going nowhere. Staying firm to what she wants isn't being 'full of it'.

 

The Russian girl? You wouldn't commit to a relationship so she found someone who would. You seriously expected her to wait around in case you became ready one day? She has done absolutely NOTHING wrong.

 

First one was incompatibility. Second one was squarely on you. Nothing to be jaded about.

 

I do agree me and the fiance were incompatible. The Russian however, I think it's shady not to be honest about how recent a break up was with your previous relationship. Basically, I got the feeling that they had " unfinished business" and she knew I'd be leaving soon. At that point, she even wanted to visit me back in CA, asking about the beach etc. While I didn't flat out agree to " exclusivity" she was still talking to me. I do agree, that was a mistake and even told her that. To me, it seems like she chose her ex again because it was easier to give him " another chance". She expressed having broken up with him because " he was too controlling, he wouldn't let me do my nails or hair". Not sure if that's really a red flag or not, but to break up with someone because of such a small issue.

Edited November 18, 2018 by BMWN52

[Garcon1986]

The world is filled with women and men who use extra guys as an emotional springboard while they figure out how to get their ex back. It is true that she was shady, but she wanted emotional closeness temporarily and she got it. Your best bet is to heal as thoroughly as you can, do happy things, and make as many new friends as you can in the meantime. Then, come out of this a wiser man and start dating again. I'm 32 and I'm ploughing ahead in the big and wacky dating scene. Your age isn't as much of an issue as it is for women. Try being a single divorced mother in the Bible Belt - quite a bit tougher finding a caring mate

[BMWN52]

The world is filled with women and men who use extra guys as an emotional springboard while they figure out how to get their ex back. It is true that she was shady, but she wanted emotional closeness temporarily and she got it. Your best bet is to heal as thoroughly as you can, do happy things, and make as many new friends as you can in the meantime. Then, come out of this a wiser man and start dating again. I'm 32 and I'm ploughing ahead in the big and wacky dating scene. Your age isn't as much of an issue as it is for women. Try being a single divorced mother in the Bible Belt - quite a bit tougher finding a caring mate

 

Hit the nail on the head. I often wonder if I did ask her out how much that would have mattered. The result may have been the same. I've learned not to let any previous baggage affect my future choices from this ordeal. It's not fair the new person, or yourself.

[Nukem]

Hey,

 

At 31 you are at the beginning of your life. I got divorced when I was 34 and started riding sport bikes 4 years later. It was like lending on another planet. Helped me a lot with coping with depression. Keep riding but stop drinking.

 

You shouldn't feel pressure, men can engaged much later. Women tend to have children before their 40, because there are dangerous medical conditions which could affect the babies during pregnancy.

 

I have friends who had lived several years as married couple before they had their twins, a girl and a boy. It was when they were around 35-36 years old.

It also depends on your carеer goals and other priorities.

[ExpatInItaly]

The Russian however, I think it's shady not to be honest about how recent a break up was with your previous relationship

 

Do you actually know that it was more recent than she claims, or is that just your assumption?

[elaine567]

Everything was going great until I expressed to her how I needed a bit of time before jumping into a relationship.

 

..I didn't flat out agree to " exclusivity"

 

So you are blaming the girl for dumping you and getting back with her ex, when you refused to be in a relationship with her...

People who want to be in relationships do not have time to hang about with people who are "unsure", who just want "casual"... it is a complete waste of their time.

[BMWN52]

Do you actually know that it was more recent than she claims, or is that just your assumption?

 

I was grabbing food one night talking to her on phone. She casually, expressed " someone sent me flowers, i'm not sure who it is". Then the following day she said " It looks like it was my ex, this doesn't affect me." I asked her well how long ago did you guys break up? " 10 months ago". I told her. So you guys broke up and almost a year later he sends you flowers?. To me that sounded like bs. Because I know if it were me that sounds like an act of desperation.

 

I don't know for sure, but that's just my guess.

[BMWN52]

So you are blaming the girl for dumping you and getting back with her ex, when you refused to be in a relationship with her...

People who want to be in relationships do not have time to hang about with people who are "unsure", who just want "casual"... it is a complete waste of their time.

 

I'm not blaming her. I told her, I was just kinda getting over my fiance and I needed some time. It wasn't like after I told her that, she cut me off 100%. We still talked for 3 weeks after I left, that's when the ex popped up again. So I don't fault her 100%, just the fact that the ex-was still pursuing her. I'm sure he was still trying to contact her, when I was with her too.

 

To me if she wanted it to work she could have. It was obvious, I was into her. She was fascinated about me being military after I left home to go on a training mission. I sent her photo's of me in the field. She asked what I was doing,etc. Then she took a jab at me said " oh kids stuff". So it's like she tried to find a reason to talk me down, which is odd because she was so infatuated with me before.

Edited November 18, 2018 by BMWN52

[basil67]

I'm not blaming her.

 

This whole post is about how jaded you are because of how women have treated you. You're completely blaming both of them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I was grabbing food one night talking to her on phone. She casually, expressed " someone sent me flowers, i'm not sure who it is". Then the following day she said " It looks like it was my ex, this doesn't affect me." I asked her well how long ago did you guys break up? " 10 months ago". I told her. So you guys broke up and almost a year later he sends you flowers?. To me that sounded like bs. Because I know if it were me that sounds like an act of desperation.

 

I don't know for sure, but that's just my guess.

 

Exactly. You don't know if your assumption is correct, but you're behaving and speaking as though it is. This is part of your problem, my friend.

 

You're positioning yourself as a victim when you actually have no tangible reason to be doing so.