I am pregnant.

[califlorgian]

Thank you all for your support. This is proving to be very difficult on my psyche and my heart. I don't know what to do. I am so incredibly conflicted. I just... I don't know what I need right now. I wish I didn't feel so sad and alone and confused.

 

silentprayer, I DO NOT wish to be with that man ever again in my life. I don't know if you saw my other posts where I stated that I am moving on and done with him..... but I want nothing to do with him. If I do keep the baby, all I want from him is child support (but considering he is a strip club dj and not doing too well right now.... and no check stubs or anything of the sort.... I probably won't be getting much). Other than that, I do not want him in my life at all. Unless he has rights to see the child... then he will have to be in my life. If I get an abortion... he is paying for it and I told him that once it's over (if i did it) he and his wife are not to contact me in ANY way at all or I will file a restraining order against them. I don't want anything to do with him.

 

So I know going into this that I would be raising the child on my own (with the help of family and friends)... I have no hope nor do I want any hope of the father and I having any kind of relationship.

 

WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?!?!?! I am seriously at my wit's end. I went into work tonight and left less than an hour later because all I did was sit in the back and feel sick, sleep and just felt very melancholy. I would get professional help.. but I don't have insurance and cannot afford it. Thank you guys... without LS and you who have been helping me, Lord knows where I'd be right now....

[Art_Critic]

WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?!?!?!

 

 

Ca.. You sound so much better right now than you did eariler..

 

It seems to me that you are putting things into a decent order in your head..

 

Re-Read your last post .. It sounds to me that you have your head screwed on properly and you are working thru the process to decide what to do

 

I know it's tough on you.. But you will get thru this and look back on this and feel so much different than you do right now..

 

Keep posting.. and keep close to your family..

 

 

Art

[RecordProducer]

RP, are you TRYING to make her feel bad? She NEVER said that having the child was as bad as having an abortion. You're twisting her words in order to put her down.

 

*She said:

 

The same way I feel about all options. I do not think I can handle it and will end up killing myself. I don't see any options for me right now. AT ALL.

[clandestinidad]

hi cali...i havent been on here in a few days, and am sorry I missed what was going on. I feel like I should tell you that I can totally understand what youre going through. I've suffered from depression with suicidal tendancies and self-harm (acted out in various ways) since 6th grade (well, thats when it got much worse than it was years before). I dont want to go into it all, but I wanted to say that I understand the impact it has on an unexpected pregnancy (especially feeling so low and mad at yourself for 'messing up')

 

I want to say that all those things I wrote about my daughter earlier in this thread were just the tip of the iceberg of what she brings to my life. SHE is the only reason I go on. She makes me want to live. When I start getting down, she smiles or laughs or needs me for something, and I come back up from under the water. She gives me a purpose. When I think about hurting myself or dying, I think about her and how much she loves me, how much I love her, and how much she needs me. No matter how much I mess up she loves me unconditionally, and the same goes with her. She is exactly what I needed in my life, and she came into this world for that reason and many other reasons as well.

 

I hope you can take something from what I've gone through in a similar situation, and begin to see what a benefit she/he will be to your life. That child was brought to you for some reason. Perhaps you are intended to do something else career-wise for a brief time....or you could still be an actress. Having a child doesnt change your talent, and you can just have someone watch her. Anyway, I hope that you are able to accept whats going on and feel better about it, and not beat yourself up over it b/c it happened for a reason that you cant see yet. He/she will give you much love and a reason to live positively...thats what my daughter brought to me

[RainyDayWoman]

IMO, abortion is NOT an option.

 

 

well, it's actually a fact that abortion is an option, it just may not be for you, and apparently not for califlorigan, which is the real issue here...not whether abortion is right or wrong.

 

califlorigan, is there someone you can talk to besides your mom, like maybe a counselor, or someone who is completely impartial and trained to deal with this kind of thing, like a planned parenthood employee? someone who will listen to you without pushing you in one direction or the other?

 

have you thought of it this way?....you don't want an abortion because it will for various reasons, you don't want adoption for various reason, but you don't want the child for yet other various reasons. you are not only thinking for yourself right now, and having a child out of guilt or unwillingness to choose another option may eventually hurt the child. you don't seem like this is a risk you are willing to take. i hope if you decide to have the child, it is for the right reasons, and not to save yourself from guilt. sometimes we do have to do things that make us feel lousy for the sake of someone else. and it sucks, but we deal. everyone has a story, believe me, even if it doesn't mirror yours.

 

i am not going to tell you what to do, because i don't think it will do you any good, and it certainly isn't my place to....i am just going to say i am thinking of you and i really hope whatever you decide gives you peace of mind, and that that peace of mind comes soon.

[RecordProducer]

Kat, that was really a wonderful post.

 

However, I am not sure anymore that anyone here should advise Cali. We are trying to tell her how wonderful it is to be a mother, but maybe she is not capable of being a mother right now. Maybe I was wrong when I said that adoption wouldn't be a good choice for her. It might be the best option for her and the baby if she feels that she is not ready to raise a child.

 

I realize now that it's a great responsibility to advise a woman to keep the baby and raise it. What if she ends up as an alcoholic jumping from one abusive man to another? This is just an example, not saying Cali is like that. I just think I made a mistake for telling her not to give the baby for adoption. We are all different and what's valid for one woman might not be valid for another.

 

Cali, I am very surprised that your mom is indifferent about ANY option you choose.

[d'Arthez]

Cali, I am very surprised that your mom is indifferent about ANY option you choose.

No, that is not necessary indifference. It could be acceptance of the situation. With what right could Cali's mom say: "Do this", whether it would be adoption, abortion, or keeping the child?

How would you have felt, if your mom would have practically ordered you to keep your baby, days before you chose to have an abortion? Would that have made the decision to abort easier or harder? (Provided you have a healthy relationship with her,) I doubt that.

 

We can't make a decision for her. She must make the decision herself. And right or wrong is not something we judge over. The only thing we can do on LS, is to make her realize that her life is not over. And it is far from over.

[sugar-rae]

I have read some of the posts on this subject and have to say, I got pregnant out of wedlock.

My oldest child, a girl, is now 16 years old. She is a beautiful young independent girl whom I am very proud of. Smart, funny.

It hasn't been easy raising her, she has been a handful at times, but I can look back on it and remember the exact day I found out I was pregnant.

 

What am I going to do? How do I raise this child? (the father was a real loser and deadbeat). These questions and more ran through my mind. I wasn't prepared to be a mother. I had been sheltered my whole life and now when I'd gotten out on my own (I was 19) look what I'd gone and done! I guess there was going to be no more fun and partying!

 

This child, my daughter, was given to me as a gift. She saved my life and forcibly took me out of things that weren't good for me, like drinking, etc.

 

I don't know Cali's life story, and I'm not trying to force her to "choose life". I'm just saying what I feel now.

I had thoughts of abortion, adoption, financial responsibility, and I have NO REGRETS about having that 7 lb. 13 ounce baby girl that cold snowy Feb.21st .

 

I am now married and my daughter has 2 younger sisters and a 3 yr old brother. She loves her siblings, especially her baby brother. I'm so very glad I made the right choice in bringing her into this world, even tho' she wasn't brought into it like society thinks a child should arrive.

 

People make mistakes in their lives, but ya know, sometimes those mistakes turn into the best mistake you could ever make.

 

My daughter might not have had a father when she was born, but since she was 10 weeks old, she's had one of the best daddy's ever, my husband, who told me a long time ago he fell in love with that little baby in the blue sack gown the first time he saw her.

[RainyDayWoman]

that's a great story sugar-rae....

 

but you wanted your child.

 

anyone who is unsure, maybe isn't in the best state of mind at times to even be responsible for herself (let alone a child), and has the possibility of regretting her decision to have the child after its born is NOT fit to raise a child. sure some do it anyway, but the risks to the child are not worth it.

 

and this does not just go for califlorigan, this goes for all possible-mothers facing the same decision. you should not have a child because you, yourself, would feel too guilty choosing another option that might be better for the child, but hard on you.

[sugar-rae]

that's a great story sugar-rae....

 

but you wanted your child.

 

anyone who is unsure, maybe isn't in the best state of mind at times to even be responsible for herself (let alone a child), and has the possibility of regretting her decision to have the child after its born is NOT fit to raise a child. sure some do it anyway, but the risks to the child are not worth it.

 

and this does not just go for califlorigan, this goes for all possible-mothers facing the same decision.

 

What's really sad and I'm really sorry to say is that we live in a society where "getting rid of" a sweet innocent baby who could make someone very happy is a "good choice".

 

Perhaps people should set aside their own needs that put them in a situation like this that Cali is in.

I was told when I found out I was pregnant that maybe I shouldn't have put myself in the situation of getting pregnant. THIS is what happens. Why should an innocent baby get knocked out of living just because the "parent" can't "deal" with the responsibility of a baby right now?

 

We have a choice after the prenancy is a fact. Adoption. There is a family who WILL take care and love that baby. We are talking about a human being here.

[Art_Critic]

What's really sad and I'm really sorry to say is that we live in a society where "getting rid of" a sweet innocent baby who could make someone very happy is a "good choice".

 

Perhaps people should set aside their own needs that put them in a situation like this that Cali is in.

I was told when I found out I was pregnant that maybe I shouldn't have put myself in the situation of getting pregnant. THIS is what happens. Why should an innocent baby get knocked out of living just because the "parent" can't "deal" with the responsibility of a baby right now?

 

We have a choice after the prenancy is a fact. Adoption. There is a family who WILL take care and love that baby. We are talking about a human being here.

 

This isn't a pro life or pro choice debate thread..

She is getting advice that has to do with tweeking her guilt gland to future someones opinion not advice that she can use..

 

Keep her in mind guys

[Outcast]

RP, will you quit with the horror scenarios Pretty much everybody I know who's had children says it made them more likely to take care of themselves and more responsible rather than

What if she ends up as an alcoholic jumping from one abusive man to another?

 

What if you end up an alcoholic jumping from one abusive man to another? Lay off, fergawdsakes.

 

Caligirl, there are agencies that advise women in your situation for free. Look at this link - there's a list of the sorts of organizations where you can get assistance:

http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/f_pregna.cfm

it's an adoption society link but the agencies they point you to are general counseling agencies.

[RainyDayWoman]

What's really sad and I'm really sorry to say is that we live in a society where "getting rid of" a sweet innocent baby who could make someone very happy is a "good choice".

 

Perhaps people should set aside their own needs that put them in a situation like this that Cali is in.

I was told when I found out I was pregnant that maybe I shouldn't have put myself in the situation of getting pregnant. THIS is what happens. Why should an innocent baby get knocked out of living just because the "parent" can't "deal" with the responsibility of a baby right now?

 

We have a choice after the prenancy is a fact. Adoption. There is a family who WILL take care and love that baby. We are talking about a human being here.

 

not keeping a child doesn't automatically mean abortion, it can also mean adoption. i didn't negate either as an option.

[califlorgian]

*She said:

 

You took my words out of context. I didn't mean I would end up killing myself if I had it. I am just very confused about what to do and VERY scared. And you haven't been helping much by saying those kind of things....

[RainyDayWoman]

hey cali....how ya feeling?

[califlorgian]

that's a great story sugar-rae....

but you wanted your child.

 

anyone who is unsure, maybe isn't in the best state of mind at times to even be responsible for herself (let alone a child), and has the possibility of regretting her decision to have the child after its born is NOT fit to raise a child. sure some do it anyway, but the risks to the child are not worth it.

 

and this does not just go for califlorigan, this goes for all possible-mothers facing the same decision. you should not have a child because you, yourself, would feel too guilty choosing another option that might be better for the child, but hard on you.

 

You know what? I am really sick of these kind of replies. I wouldn't be having it out of GUILT. I would be having it because it's the choice I made. She said herself that she went through all the options as well.

 

I JUST found out that I am pregnant. So, naturally, I am freaked out and running through all the options in my head. I am 21, alone and scared. this doesn't make me unfit to be a mother. Just because I spit out words without thinking because I have so much rushing through my head and so many whacked out hormones rushing through my body right now does not make me a tyrant.

 

This has nothing to do with guilt.... at all. It has to do with being confused about the situation I am in. When I make my decision, I will make it out of love and for the child. How dare you tell me I would be an unfit mother because I am scared out of my mind days after finding out I am pregnant? If I felt this way after I had the child, it would be another story. But that's not the case, now is it?

[JS17]

Hi Cali...I've read your thread and I'm sorry that you've gotten so much crazy opinions here. There have been some nice stories though.

 

I'm just writing to say that on top of everything you have going on you probably have all sorts of hormones going through you that are making your life even tougher. Just take as much time to relax as you can and make your decision. Whatever it is you know you will have support here and in the outside world. There's no such thing as a wrong decision, you're doing what you think is best and that can never be wrong.

 

I wish you all the best and a big hug

[RainyDayWoman]

some people are trying to convince you do to do a certain thing. others are trying to convince you to do the other. i am trying to make some of these people realize why you can't force someone to do either, that consequences arise and and the results, in ANY case, can be negative OR positive.

 

i was basing my reactions on what you've said so far. this is all i can go by. i really think you took my words the wrong way. i never called you an unfit mother.

 

sorry for offending you. i won't post here anymore.

[califlorgian]

hey cali....how ya feeling?

 

I was feeling okay this morning when I woke up until I saw some replies that made me slightly livid.

[califlorgian]

some people are trying to convince you do to do a certain thing. others are trying to convince you to do the other. i am trying to make some of these people realize why you can't force someone to do either, that consequences arise and and the results, in ANY case, can be negative OR positive.

 

i was basing my reactions on what you've said so far. this is all i can go by. i really think you took my words the wrong way. i never called you an unfit mother.

 

sorry for offending you. i won't post here anymore.

 

 

I wasn't meaning to sound rude. I am just tired of some people thinking that I wouldn't be a good mother because I don't know what I want yet. If you look back at what you said before, you will notice that you said something along the lines of if the mother is so unsure about bringing her child into the world then that would make her an unfit mother. I am not sure of the exact words... but the way you worded it hurt..... perhaps I did take it out of context. I don't know. But I am just hurting so much right now and it kills me to hear things like that.

[Outcast]

You know what? I am really sick of these kind of replies. I wouldn't be having it out of GUILT. I would be having it because it's the choice I made. She said herself that she went through all the options as well.

 

I JUST found out that I am pregnant. So, naturally, I am freaked out and running through all the options in my head. I am 21, alone and scared. this doesn't make me unfit to be a mother. Just because I spit out words without thinking because I have so much rushing through my head and so many whacked out hormones rushing through my body right now does not make me a tyrant.

 

You GO girl! That's the spirit! Don't let the well-meaning but misguided ones get ya down. And don't let them make you feel bad about anything. Keep up that fighting spirit! Of course it's confusing and you're right to write it all out - it'll help you think. But do check into counseling if you're finding you have a lot of trouble sorting it out in the next while.

[crazy_grl]

You know what? I am really sick of these kind of replies. I wouldn't be having it out of GUILT. I would be having it because it's the choice I made. She said herself that she went through all the options as well.

 

I JUST found out that I am pregnant. So, naturally, I am freaked out and running through all the options in my head. I am 21, alone and scared. this doesn't make me unfit to be a mother. Just because I spit out words without thinking because I have so much rushing through my head and so many whacked out hormones rushing through my body right now does not make me a tyrant.

 

This has nothing to do with guilt.... at all. It has to do with being confused about the situation I am in. When I make my decision, I will make it out of love and for the child. How dare you tell me I would be an unfit mother because I am scared out of my mind days after finding out I am pregnant? If I felt this way after I had the child, it would be another story. But that's not the case, now is it?

 

Cali, you are so right!! I would have said the same thing (except I didn't want to overstep my boundaries and speak for you), but you said it so much better than I would have. You've obviously got a good head on your shoulders.

 

It's not an easy decision, but whatever choice you make is going to be the right choice for you.

[bab]

I JUST found out that I am pregnant. So, naturally, I am freaked out and running through all the options in my head. I am 21, alone and scared. this doesn't make me unfit to be a mother.

 

You are right, it doesn't make you unfit. I'd be alot more worried about your abilities to be a mother if at 21, alone, and pregnant you WEREN'T scared! Being scared of something that is so lifechanging is natural, and smart! Just don't let the fear take you over. You can manage, whatever decision you make. Check out the counseling services that Outcast listed.

 

Good luck!!

[RainyDayWoman]

another post to clarify to the rest of you (since i already clarified to califlorigan):

 

i am not saying that all people who are unsure about a pregnancy are unfit mothers. if you think that's what i meant, you did not read the rest of what i had to say. there was more to that than just the "unsure" part. lack of certainty combined with lack of self-responsibility, and a sense of coercion were also involved, all-inclusively. if you are not responsible to take care of yourself, you are probably not responsible enough to care for a child. this is all in GENERAL, not to her personally.

 

i am saying that people who are guilted into going through with a pregnancy because other options are considered wrong to OTHER people have the potential to be unfit mothers--because in that case, they don't truly want to be mothers. people who have zero interest in rocket science shouldn't be building rockets just because their parents want them to.

 

it is natural to be scared out of your mind. but if someone is unsure, AND lacks responsibility, AND is being guilted into forgettin other options, AND doesn't really want to be a mother, no, they should not be mothers. i am not saying she posesses all of these things, or even any of them. they were generalities aimed at other people, more in defense of her, than anything else.

 

i am not saying "hey califlorigan, you and you life choices suck, don't ruin the life of a child." i don't feel that way. i think she is doing the responsible thing by considering her options. i am saying WHATEVER you do, do it for YOU, this is YOUR decision, and YOU want to do it for the right reasons for YOU, because if you don't, it may not work out in a postive way.

 

in other words, if you are going to have a child, do it for the right reasons. if you are doing it because someone else tells you are wrong for considering other options, this is not a good reason.

 

i'm sorry this was so misconstrued, califlorigan, and i know you don't need the added stress. but no matter what way anyone else is taking what i said, it is important to me that you know my words were meant to support you, not to berate you. i was disagreeing with some of the approaches taken here that are not really meant for your best interest. it seems like some of these people are actually angry that you haven't made a decision, and are using this thread to debate things that are not exactly necessary for you to see right now. i was trying to stand up for you, but as all things go, it was viewed differently. it happens.

 

now that i've explained what i truly meant by that, anyone else who sees it differently can go pound sound. and that's putting it nicely.

 

this isn't about me, it's not about them, it's about YOU, and even though whatever decision you make will not come without serious thought and difficulty (as you know) i hope it works out, whatever you decide.

[RecordProducer]

Since two of you just LOVE to quote me, I will repeat my last post so that you read it again. I will not ask you to think of my words as thinking requires certain equipment.

 

However, I am not sure anymore that anyone here should advise Cali. We are trying to tell her how wonderful it is to be a mother, but maybe she is not capable of being a mother right now. Maybe I was wrong when I said that adoption wouldn't be a good choice for her. It might be the best option for her and the baby if she feels that she is not ready to raise a child.

 

I realize now that it's a great responsibility to advise a woman to keep the baby and raise it. What if she ends up as an alcoholic jumping from one abusive man to another? This is just an example, not saying Cali is like that. I just think I made a mistake for telling her not to give the baby for adoption. We are all different and what's valid for one woman might not be valid for another.