Hard decisions ahead...

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. I know without a doubt that we are meant to be... He is the love of my life. He has been married before and he has a 14 year old son. I have no children. We have separate homes and we would like to move in together - potentially next spring/fall.

 

If it were only us to consider, it would be an easy decision (we would be building our own home right now). But, things are complicated...

 

First, his son. We have really taken our time in giving his son a lot of time to get to know me. I have no doubt that if we moved in together tomorrow, his son would have no problem with that. It would be an adjustment for everyone, but his son has been very accepting of our relationship and we have never had any problems. The issue is - their current house backs onto the high school where his son attends and he has three and a half more years until graduation. When my boyfriend has mentioned to his son that we may move in together and get another house, his response was understandably "why would we do that? I can walk to school and all my friends like coming to my house for lunch..." It's a good point. It would be great if I moved into their home and we stayed for a few years until graduation. But, it's not ideal - his home is small and it's been a "bachelor pad" for the past five years. We both dream of building "our" dream home...

 

We are both in our mid-40's and if we buy our dream home, perhaps build our dream home, waiting four more years makes a big difference in our ability to pay down the mortgage (considering we only have about 15 more years or so of work until retirement). We would have a sizeable downpayment when we sell both of our homes, but we would still need to have a mortgage. Money is not the driving fact in our decision making, the best interest of his son is most important, but finances are certainly something to consider...

 

Then, there is the cat. He got a cat for his son after the divorce and his son (and my boyfriend) adore this cat. I am allergic to the cat and I suffer everything I stay over. It's part of the reason why I haven't minded keeping separate residences... It's nice to come home to an allergy free environment. We have talked about getting a hepa filter, keeping the cat out of the bedroom, etc... It's to be determined if that will help... I will suffer if needed, but it's really hard. I really don't want to tell this kid that he has to give up his cat.

 

We could keep things as they are but then, we don't see each other as much as we like and it is obviously not the most ideal situation financially - paying two property tax bills, two utility bills, etc... We would be very comfortable, have more savings, and more disposable income if we move in together...

 

So LS, what would you do? We go looking at homes and dream about our life together, but I'm leaning toward keeping things as is for a little bit longer... as there are just no easy answers...

Edited November 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[Veronica73]

Don’t know what to tell you, but as far as the cat goes... one of my friends had really bad allergies to all sorts of things for years, and he went to an allergy clinic and got a series of shots (don’t know what they were but I could find out if you wanted) and he is basically allergy free now. So I’m thinking you could probably be okay living with a cat.

[d0nnivain]

As is for now but shop for real estate that is in walking distance to the boy's school. Another option may be a major renovation of the bachelor pad, to include a built in vacuum or at least a Roomba type thing to deal with the cat hair. Be planning toward moving when the son graduates.

[buffalo]

First off, it sounds like you’ve considered the pros and cons of this next step in your relationship and I’m happy to hear that the welfare of your boyfriend’s son is at the forefront of your concerns. It will go a long way in building a solid connection with him for years to come.

 

That said, his high school years will go by in a flash. While I understand your desire to move to the next step because of the timing, it sounds like keeping your boyfriend’s house until the son graduates would be the most ideal. Is there a way you can start your dream home in stages over the next couple of years? Perhaps sell your house and buy the land with the proceeds. Save money by living in his house and start building the house at the beginning of his senior year so that you can prep to sell it in the spring he graduates and use the proceeds to close off on the conversion of the contruction loan to the regular mortgage. Just an idea.

 

As for the cat. I’m very allergic to cats and have four. I’m fine with my own, but as soon as I come across a new cat, I get symptomatic again. My allergist explained to me that you acclimate to your own animal (after a period of suffering and transitioning your immune system). A series of allergy shots to desensitize could also be extremely helpful. You definitely cannot separate the cat from the household, in my opinion. They committed to providing it a happy, healthy life and it sounds like a spoiled and well loved kitty. Hopefully you’ll be able to overcome your allergy to it.

 

Good luck to you.

[salparadise]

Making a new life with someone, buying/building a house, timing of the payoff are all big life decisions and really important. Not to minimize the son's feelings, but not being conveniently located next door to the school is a small thing by comparison. Time is valuable. If you're sure about the relationship I'd say get on with living your life and don't let the years pass. The son will adjust. He's not giving up much. Maybe you can offer some benefits with the new house that will balance that aspect. He's young. This is not a major deal.

 

Ah, the cat allergies. I have them too. Some cats are worse than others. I have fared pretty well dating women with cats, except once (trip to the ER during the middle of the night). A runny nose and itchy eyes are one thing... respiratory issues are something else altogether. If I were you I'd go to an allergist now and see if you can get desensitized. That's probably the best solution if your insurance covers it. There is also the possibility of making it a strictly outdoor cat, depending on the other's reactions.

 

The allergens aren't actually from dander and hair. They're in the saliva, which is deposited on the hair when the cat licks itself, and then transferred to everything the cat touches. It's sticky stuff and really hard to get rid of. Vacuuming doesn't do fix it, and a hepa filter may be of some small benefit, but not much.

Edited November 19, 2018 by salparadise

[BaileyB]

There is also the possibility of making it a strictly outdoor cat, depending on the other's reactions.

 

This cat is unbelievably pampered... I don’t see it happening.

 

I thought we were golden last spring when the cat got out of the yard and disappeared one night. But, I knew that the cat must know how good he has it so of course, he came home when he was done exploring...

 

Seriously though, the cat sheds everywhere. Several people in my family have cat allergies, so we have always had a dog. This is a lovely, affectionate cat - but I’m just not a cat person...When I talked to my doctor, the only solution she offered was “get rid of the cat!” I have to go back and talk to her again...

[BaileyB]

Is there a way you can start your dream home in stages over the next couple of years?

 

I think this is what will happen. My partner is very picky about what he wants, we are looking around but I think we will end up building. Buying the land, planning, and then building will take a while... and it will help to pass the time.

 

I have a belief that things usually happen as they are meant to happen. We will watch the new listings and if the right house comes up, we will consider that then. If not, we will build.

 

It’s something I didn’t see happening... I was single for a long time and I bought a new condo just before I met my partner. I thought that would be my forever home and now, I’m considering selling it and planning an entirely different future. It’s funny how life goes sometimes...

 

Thanks for your replies. They are much appreciated.

[brigit87]

I really don't want to tell this kid that he has to give up his cat.

 

 

If you try and get rid of the cat the son will get rid of you. That's a given. And cats who become indoor outdoor cats usually become road kill. Never let your cat outside. If you have a screened in porch where the cat can't possibly get out then that's fine.

 

Pets become family members and cannot be discarded like old furniture.

Edited November 19, 2018 by brigit87

[Dis]

I think there needs to be a compromise on your bf's part

 

It seems like you're giving your bf and son everything they need/want but your putting your own wants/needs on the back burner

 

I agree with sal that moving to a different house that is not in walking distance is not a big deal. It's a little silly your bf and his son are putting off the plans to move in together just so his son can walk to school. Most kids take the bus. The son can do that too. He won't have to go to a new school, he'll just have to take the bus like most kids. Many kids who are products of divorce have to go to new schools, make new friends, start new classes and that's difficult. All this kid has to do is get on a bus.

 

Not big deal for his son to hop on the bus and if it helps you and your bf remain close and makes your dreams as a couple come to fruition, it might be a necessity. What if as the years are passing, waiting for the son to graduate...you guys grow apart because the relationship isn't progressing as it should. That's something I would be concerned about. Are you worried about that?

 

As for the cat, that's a reasonable compromise. I suggest you go to an ENT (ear nose and throat) specialist or an allergy specialist and start immunotherapy. It's simply a shot you would get every week to decrease your immune system's response to the cat's allergens. It does take at least 6 months to start seeing results but it will be worth it. The sooner you can start, the better

 

And again, you shouldn't be the one making all the compromises, your bf needs to meet you half way. New house and keep the cat. Nice meeting in the middle there

[BaileyB]

Pets become family members and cannot be discarded like old furniture.

 

I hear you. My dad has a dog that I consider to be my own... I would never want to let her go.

 

I have previously not dated men because they had cats. This guy is special. Which is why I suffer... I don’t want them to give the cat up and I don’t want to give them up!

[BaileyB]

I think there needs to be a compromise on your bf's part

 

He has already agreed to get the ducts cleaned, install a hepa filter, and kick the cat out of the bedroom. He’s trying...

[BaileyB]

What if as the years are passing, waiting for the son to graduate...you guys grow apart because the relationship isn't progressing as it should. That's something I would be concerned about. Are you worried about that?

 

No, I don’t. We live about 10 minutes away from each other and see each other almost every day. I would like to sleep beside him every night, but we don’t feel the need to be together all the time. I enjoy having my own space sometimes. Although it’s not ideal, it’s very manageable.

[d0nnivain]

Keep on managing . . . 10 minutes apart is not that far. As long as the kid isn't changing schools . . . the rest is details. I have cat allergies too but you can't expect somebody to give up a family member. Maybe by sophomore year of college the cat can live with the son.

[Mr. Lucky]

He has already agreed to get the ducts cleaned, install a hepa filter, and kick the cat out of the bedroom. He’s trying...

 

I feel for you. My wife is so allergic that I change my clothes in the garage after I've visited a friend with cats. I've told her it's like working at a nuclear power plant, same safeguards.

 

The son is old enough to learn that important things in life demand some compromise on everyone's part. Doesn't seem like a move, as long as your stay in the district, would be that big of a deal.

 

Congrats on these positive developments in your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[introverted1]

So... for the cat. If you don't have one already, have your bf get a furminator and use it every.single.day. It helps. Then, also do the hepa filter and keep the cat out of the bedroom. Maybe you can take a Zyrtec daily if none of that is enough.

 

Then... sell your house and move in with bf. Invest that money into something that can grow at a reasonable rate over the next 4 1/2 years until bf's son is out of HS. That will give you a nest egg for your dream house, and presumably allow you to pay off your mortgage sooner such that the 4 year delay in building your dream home won't carry a financial penalty.

 

Good luck!!

[Els]

I'm not sure I fully understand the mortgage issue. If you took the amount required for the mortgage and instead funnelled it into a savings or FD account for the next few years, wouldn't that go towards the downpayment and actually REDUCE the financial burden? Since FD accounts give you interest, whereas a mortgage takes interest.

 

 

But maintaining two residences does cost more, which would offset the small savings above. The cat is also a tricky issue.

 

 

If you are not in a hurry, it may be best to wait for the son to turn 18. That way you would also have more privacy and time together in your first few years of marriage, which would be crucial IMO.

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure I fully understand the mortgage issue. If you took the amount required for the mortgage and instead funnelled it into a savings or FD account for the next few years, wouldn't that go towards the downpayment and actually REDUCE the financial burden?

 

If you are not in a hurry, it may be best to wait for the son to turn 18. That way you would also have more privacy and time together in your first few years of marriage, which would be crucial IMO.

 

You are right. We want the cost savings of maintaining one household, we will then be able to save money to put toward the next home. The longer we pay for two households, the less money we have (although, some will be redeemed because we are paying down mortgages). It's not a huge savings though, not the deciding factor. Just something to think about...

 

And no, if we wait until his son turns 18 we will be debating for 6-7 years before moving in together. That is too long, and there is no guarantee that his son will leave the home at 18 - if he goes to college, he will probably continue to live at home while he attends school.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd visit an allergist and see if you can get injections for your cat allergy. If that works, move into his house until the son graduates.

[BaileyB]

I feel for you. My wife is so allergic that I change my clothes in the garage after I've visited a friend with cats. I've told her it's like working at a nuclear power plant, same safeguards.

 

The son is old enough to learn that important things in life demand some compromise on everyone's part. Doesn't seem like a move, as long as your stay in the district, would be that big of a deal.

 

Congrats on these positive developments in your relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks so much. Your words of wisdom are very much appreciated.

 

I forgot, I was about this age when my parents announced we were moving to "the city" because my Dad had a new job opportunity. I was very unhappy, but understood that we were a family and it would require compromise on everyone's part.

 

I find it hard sometimes because obviously, he is not my son. It's a different dynamic, and I'm always careful not to place demands or overstep my role.

 

We are also very aware that he may be living with us full-time, at some point in the foreseeable future. His mother has some mental health issues and he has been telling his dad more and more that he does not want to go to his mother's home. He has a great relationship with his dad, and I think he enjoys the security and peacefulness of "our" home. I know, it has meant a lot to his dad to show him what it is to have a healthy relationship, something his son hasn't known before... sadly.

 

So, perhaps you are right and I am overthinking this too much. Kids are adaptable. We have taken our time and done it "right" - as much as we can... I have to believe that it will work itself out with time.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, perhaps you are right and I am overthinking this too much. Kids are adaptable. We have taken our time and done it "right" - as much as we can... I have to believe that it will work itself out with time.

 

Hard to go wrong by taking time to clearly think things through.

 

I have to laugh when fellow posters say "wait until he's 18 and moves out". My youngest is 20, doesn't seem like he's going anywhere in the near future. He goes to school full-time and works, seems perfectly happy living at home. My nephew, at 25, still lives with my brother and SIL. Seems to be a different world - and economic reality - for this generation trying to launch. It also helps that they're both great kids and Mom and Dad enjoy having them around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I have to laugh when fellow posters say "wait until he's 18 and moves out". My youngest is 20, doesn't seem like he's going anywhere in the near future. He goes to school full-time and works, seems perfectly happy living at home.

 

My father used to joke that my brother (who had a bedroom, bathroom, and living space with a television and his video games downstairs) was waiting for my parents to die, and the he was just going to move upstairs...

 

My brother is now married with three kids, and a home of his own.

 

I shouldn't say my too much though, because I was a "professional student" as my mother used to say... I lived at home until I was almost 25 years old.

[Wallysbears]

I don't like the idea of taking out a new mortgage just for the sake of an "our" house. (I hate debt in general though)

 

Is there something you do not like about his current house or your current house? Can either be remodeled to change things you do not like?

 

I would visit an allergist about the cat.

[Gaeta]

A good contract is when all parties loses a little something.

 

 

 

Option 1: You both sell and buy a new house next spring in same area so the son doesn't change school. He will survive his school not being in his backyard.

 

 

Option 2: You could renovate his house and make it your dream home.

 

 

 

Allergies are weird sometimes. My daughter was allergic to cats till she got one. My BF is allergic to all types of fur at first when he started dating me he had huge allergic reactions to my dog and it dissipated and now he's fine with the dog.