CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Interesting. He swore the dog had nothing to do with us breaking up. ? He did however started listing every single thing he thought I did wrong sonce we started dating. I day started because I cut him off and told him that if he already made his decision he just go. His stuff was already packed. You dodged a bullet with this one, I think! Still, I'm sorry it didn't work out . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 You dodged a bullet with this one, I think! Still, I'm sorry it didn't work out . I did. I actually felt a big relief as soon as he walked out of my house. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Interesting. He swore the dog had nothing to do with us breaking up. ? He did however started listing every single thing he thought I did wrong sonce we started dating. I day started because I cut him off and told him that if he already made his decision he just go. His stuff was already packed. Im sorry to hear that. But good job cutting it short. You don't need to hear all that. How are you doing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 He’s a control freak and probably verbally abusive. They love to throw animals into the ‘argument’, as well as kids. Anything or anyone they perceive as taking attention away from you. You need to be with someone who loves animals. Most abusive people have a deep hatred for animals and think nothing of dumping or killing them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 He’s a control freak and probably verbally abusive. They love to throw animals into the ‘argument’, as well as kids. Anything or anyone they perceive as taking attention away from you. You need to be with someone who loves animals. Most abusive people have a deep hatred for animals and think nothing of dumping or killing them. Really? How so? I think yall been way too harsh on this guy. It just seems they were incompatible. No one is at their finest through tough times in relationships and breakups. How was he an abusive control freak? And suggesting he would kill the dog while op is not around. My gosh. Cut the guy some slack. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Really? How so? I think yall been way too harsh on this guy. It just seems they were incompatible. No one is at their finest through tough times in relationships and breakups. How was he an abusive control freak? And suggesting he would kill the dog while op is not around. My gosh. Cut the guy some slack. Because abusive people are very subtle about how it all starts. Also the fact that he started pointing out all her faults when they apparently broke up - if I read that right. One of those traits wouldn’t point to abuse but when you get a few of them, it’s pointing to something more serious. Someone disliking animals isn’t a good sign in general. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 (edited) I habe to agree with smiley. I have seen no sign of abuse or that he would hurt the dog. I think he was just really hoping I would decide to get rid of her on my own. Looking back and based on things he told me, it started going to sh* around the time he told me he couldn’t stand the dog and I started stressing out about it: he did notice something was off with me (he referred it to a rainy cloud that followed him, I referred to it as my anxiety being too high for comfort. Which we never talked sbout and probably killed us) He has done a few things in ways that I disagreed with but I don’t think any of it went from an abusive place. That being said @smiley1 I am fine. Relieved and sleeping with the dog in my bed guilt free for the forst time in a while. Edited November 20, 2018 by GoreSP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Looking back and based on things he told me, it started going to sh* around the time he told me he couldn’t stand the dog and I started stressing out about it: he did notice something was off with me (he referred it to a rainy cloud that followed him, I referred to it as my anxiety being too high for comfort. Which we never talked sbout and probably killed us) I think that is reasonable, it's a huge deal because it's such a strong negative view about your pet. If you said 'I can't stand your kids' that would probably make him a bit stressed too. Glad you're going ok and got a good companion to help you through. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 The fact you sighed a big sigh of relief when he was out of your house was a sign he was a toxic influence in your life. Abusers aren't all yellers and punchers, many start in pretty subtle ways. I think this guy was definitely on the abusive spectrum and I am glad you recognised something was off about him, and got rid quick. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 (edited) Really? How so? I think yall been way too harsh on this guy. It just seems they were incompatible. No one is at their finest through tough times in relationships and breakups. How was he an abusive control freak? And suggesting he would kill the dog while op is not around. My gosh. Cut the guy some slack. Yup. Totally irrational conclusions that are based on nothing more than their own biases. [redacted] Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 I think that is reasonable, it's a huge deal because it's such a strong negative view about your pet. If you said 'I can't stand your kids' that would probably make him a bit stressed too. Glad you're going ok and got a good companion to help you through. Yeah if I didn't like kids, I wouldn't have dated someone with kids. His mistake was to date someone who has a dog, my mistake was to date someone who doesn't like dogs. The fact you sighed a big sigh of relief when he was out of your house was a sign he was a toxic influence in your life. Abusers aren't all yellers and punchers, many start in pretty subtle ways. I think this guy was definitely on the abusive spectrum and I am glad you recognised something was off about him, and got rid quick. OMG enough with the abusive bit, please. The sigh of relief was because I was no longer going to feel bad because my dog isn't perfect and I was free to date someone else There was a bit of toxicity but it came more from our incompatibility than anything else. There is always a battle of 'power' in relationship. That's why it's called the struggle phase and that's when most couples fail. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 I habe to agree with smiley. I have seen no sign of abuse or that he would hurt the dog. how does the dog act around him? Does she want to be around him or does she slink away from him? Of course he wouldn't show you that if he was still trying to keep the relationship going... he's not that stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 how does the dog act around him? Does she want to be around him or does she slink away from him? Of course he wouldn't show you that if he was still trying to keep the relationship going... he's not that stupid. Dog was fine around him. She loves everyone. Actually as he was leaving last night she sat in front of him, as she does to me when I'm leaving for work and then ran to the front window to watch him leave. So she liked him. I'm just not willing to go as far as to say he would have been abusive. Less careful, maybe but intentionally harm the dog just because he doesn't like dogs? I don't think so. Anyways it's irrelevant at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Actually as he was leaving last night she sat in front of him, as she does to me when I'm leaving for work and then ran to the front window to watch him leave. So she liked him. She doesn't like him she's looking for his approval. I was using a dog walker I trusted, one of my neighbor. Each time my dog saw him he was ecstatic! wagging his tail, rolling on his back, doing a little dance, I thought omg look how my dog loves him. One day my other neighbor called me and told me she couldn't keep it silent anymore and my dog walker was extremely violent with my dog. She even saw him hang, yes hang my dog from his leach, and kicked him often. STILL my dog acted happy when we came across him. Do not trust your dog happy demeanor means she loves him, like my dog it may only be a behavior begging for his love and approval. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 I know you don’t want to talk about the abuse thing and I don’t necessarily think he would have or was abusing her. BUT I do think he’s low on empathy for you and your dog. I’m not sure he’s required to have some high level of empathy for your dog, but his was too low imo. He must have known that his feelings/demands about the dog would make you feel pretty crappy and worried and he could have been more accepting of the dog for your sake. I’m relieved you’re not with him anymore. Also, I don’t know if you want to have kids someday, but I know I’d have a nagging doubt about making him the father of my children. My ex-h and I had two dogs together who we both adored and watching him with them made me feel like he was going to be a good dad and I would say he’s been a great father to our kids and it was all consistent with how he treated and felt about our pups. We were together for 25 years and I swear to god that he was waiting for the dogs to die (at least subconsciously) to leave me. It was horrible. They both lived to be 15 and the first one died a month before I realized we were really in trouble and the second one died like a week after I told him I was done. I am happy he didn’t wait for the kids to go off to college bc our youngest was only 4 at the time. Anyway, I have a lot of hate for him, but those were really good things about him — lots of empathy and love for kids and animals. This guy might have been great w kids, but I’d always worry if I was you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Anyways it's irrelevant at this point. The point is would you want to live a life time in a home where you're not wanted? Would you want to spend every day of your little life trying to win the love and attention of that person that doesn't want you? Dogs are filters! They know too well when they're not wanted. You've been dating this man 4 months! he's a no-body! How can you accept all of his negative critics? If he does that at 4 months dating what will it be doing and saying after 12 months? A dog is a pack animal, it needs to be with its leader. Your dog is the happiest when it's with you! what type of life is waiting your dog? If you cannot be a good pack leader your dog then re-home her where she's wanted. Ask the ex if he'd take her. I am sure he won't let any new gf tell him what to do with his dog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 I know you don’t want to talk about the abuse thing and I don’t necessarily think he would have or was abusing her. BUT I do think he’s low on empathy for you and your dog. I’m not sure he’s required to have some high level of empathy for your dog, but his was too low imo. He must have known that his feelings/demands about the dog would make you feel pretty crappy and worried and he could have been more accepting of the dog for your sake. I’m relieved you’re not with him anymore. Also, I don’t know if you want to have kids someday, but I know I’d have a nagging doubt about making him the father of my children. My ex-h and I had two dogs together who we both adored and watching him with them made me feel like he was going to be a good dad and I would say he’s been a great father to our kids and it was all consistent with how he treated and felt about our pups. We were together for 25 years and I swear to god that he was waiting for the dogs to die (at least subconsciously) to leave me. It was horrible. They both lived to be 15 and the first one died a month before I realized we were really in trouble and the second one died like a week after I told him I was done. I am happy he didn’t wait for the kids to go off to college bc our youngest was only 4 at the time. Anyway, I have a lot of hate for him, but those were really good things about him — lots of empathy and love for kids and animals. This guy might have been great w kids, but I’d always worry if I was you. Well, we were together for 4 months so surely there are sides of him that I missed. The last week allowed me to see a side of him I had not seen before, seeing as he either didn't realize or care how hurtful it was to be ghosted me for 4-5 days. So I think you're on to something with the low empathy bit. Anyhow, it's over now and he's out of my life so we'll never know if he would have been abusive to the dogs. He did have two kids so it's hard to judge his parenting skills on how he was with the dog but I did notice a consistency between how people treat their pets VS how they treat their kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 While I agree that it's not normal to hate dogs, I can totally understand when it comes to cleanliness. I'm a little bit grossed out by dogs drooling all over the furniture, besides, many dogs have a strong smell which rubs onto things. Dogs are fun to be around, but they probably suit more extroverted people. That's why I have a cat instead. Not everyone can live together with a dog. So I can understand the guy a little bit, when it comes to the ickiness factor. Just playing the devil's advocate here... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Interesting. He swore the dog had nothing to do with us breaking up. ? He did however started listing every single thing he thought I did wrong sonce we started dating. I day started because I cut him off and told him that if he already made his decision he just go. His stuff was already packed. Amen, I would have preferred YOU empower yourself and YOU break up with him. Now go find yourself a dog lover and enjoy every moment of it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 The point is would you want to live a life time in a home where you're not wanted? Would you want to spend every day of your little life trying to win the love and attention of that person that doesn't want you? Dogs are filters! They know too well when they're not wanted. You've been dating this man 4 months! he's a no-body! How can you accept all of his negative critics? If he does that at 4 months dating what will it be doing and saying after 12 months? A dog is a pack animal, it needs to be with its leader. Your dog is the happiest when it's with you! what type of life is waiting your dog? If you cannot be a good pack leader your dog then re-home her where she's wanted. Ask the ex if he'd take her. I am sure he won't let any new gf tell him what to do with his dog. That's a bit harsh. If you read the thread, you'll see that we broke up and giving up the dog was never ever an option. Also, I kept the dog because the ex didn't take care of her other than taking picture for Facebook and pinned her down whenever she 'misbehaved'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoreSP Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 Amen, I would have preferred YOU empower yourself and YOU break up with him. Now go find yourself a dog lover and enjoy every moment of it! Well I hadn't decided on staying with him. He just started talking and didn't really stop until I told him to leave.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Well I hadn't decided on staying with him. He just started talking and didn't really stop until I told him to leave.... In everything we should look at the part we played. You dated 4 months, 6 weeks ago he told you he could not stand your dog which means he told you that at 2,5 month dating. Why did you continue dating him? Why did you accept this non sense for another month and a half? And why did it take him to break up with you for it to end. Anyway you put it, he is the one who break up, he's the one who started to list why this relationship wasn't working after a 5 day ghost. You should have broken up with him 6 weeks ago. Not throwing you rocks, just asking you to analyze why you accepted that from a man you barely knew and how you will not let that happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 I think we all need to not be attacking the OP for not doing it sooner, because when you encounter something new you've never had to deal with, it takes you a while to figure it all out. We're not born with experience. She never considered giving up the dog but came here to see if there were some answers or ways she could work this out -- and we nearly all told her keep the dog and let him go because a lot of us know not liking a dog shows a lack of empathy or control or OCD or jealousy or fear, in other words, a bigger issue with that person. Hindsight is 20/20. She didn't really see what this guy was like -- and this is the norm -- until he didn't get his way, at which time he ghosted her and basically pouted and began taking her inventory. That's how it works. You don't know a person until you see how they are when they don't get their way. If she had been with him long enough, then she might already have known that information. But as it stood, he seemed otherwise okay. A lot of people would have never confronted the issue, either thinking it was too minor to make a big deal of, or falling prey to being gaslighted about it and the guy making them think they're wrong for loving their dog and being responsible for it and doing right by it. It's over. It's for the best. She didn't do anything wrong at all. This just happened to be the thing that came up that showed her another side of him, and that's good because she can go forward without regrets. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Interesting. He swore the dog had nothing to do with us breaking up. ? He did however started listing every single thing he thought I did wrong sonce we started dating. I day started because I cut him off and told him that if he already made his decision he just go. His stuff was already packed. You dodged a bullet and got to keep your dog. Win Win lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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