My brother is having an affair

[RaleighMoss]

I am very close with my brother. He used to be really sweet, God-fearing, and thoughtful. He got married , had children with his longtime gf who I am also friends with. They were perfect for each other and our family loved her.

 

Fast forward a couple of years later, I notice subtle changes with him when he started going to the gym. He lost weight, became buff, and health conscious which is obviously great. He became a lot conscious physically and would buy new clothes sporting a different look from head to toe. Aside from being materialistic there are also changes with his behavior as well. He used to be a homebody but now he has a very active nightlife. I noticed a little arrogance and selfishness which cause some minor discussion between us siblings. They blamed his wife for the change which I find unfair, I know his wife; she is still the same.

 

And then the bomb dropped. His wife came to us very emotional. She said that my brother was having an affair with a girl he hangs out with during his clubbing and that this is not the first time. Our parents tried to be objective but was in denial. I felt sorry for her and their children.

 

They separated and we tried to talk some sense to our brother. He was saying that he was not happy anymore, etc. he was bad-mouthing his wife saying she was jealous and crazy. Of course as family, we supported him. He seemed firm with his decision.

After some months our family suspected that maybe his wife was telling the truth. We caught him talking to his phone in hushed tones and always texting someone. A friend of ours showed us pictures of him and the girl together.

 

Eventually, he introduced the girl to us. I don't understand his behavior. Why the sudden change? Why all the lies? He may be having fun with this other girl but he is not happy, not like when he was still with his wife. We tried telling him that what he did was a very big mistake but he would not listen. The more he try to prove to us that he is making a right decision of choosing that girl. This is not a midlife crises, he is still in his late twenties. It is like he became a different person.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[whichwayisup]

Seems he really wasn't really ready to be a husband and a father. He may love his wife (long term girlfriend) but not enough to stay with her and fix himself.

 

He is acting selfish. Instead of talking to his wife, sorting out any issues, he chose to look elsewhere and not even consider her or their children's feelings. Their little lives have been turned upside down by his cheating ways.

 

All you can do is stay neutral, love your nieces/nephews and support both your brother and his wife (even though they are separated for now) through this time. But, with that said, don't enable his bad behavior.

 

Need to ask, why would your family blame her for HIS cheating ways and behavior changes? Why would some not believe her when she said he was having an affair? It's not something she would make up since she adores and loves him and they now have children.

[RaleighMoss]

Seems he really wasn't really ready to be a husband and a father. He may love his wife (long term girlfriend) but not enough to stay with her and fix himself.

 

He is acting selfish. Instead of talking to his wife, sorting out any issues, he chose to look elsewhere and not even consider her or their children's feelings. Their little lives have been turned upside down by his cheating ways.

 

All you can do is stay neutral, love your nieces/nephews and support both your brother and his wife (even though they are separated for now) through this time. But, with that said, don't enable his bad behavior.

 

Need to ask, why would your family blame her for HIS cheating ways and behavior changes? Why would some not believe her when she said he was having an affair? It's not something she would make up since she adores and loves him and they now have children.

Thank you. Yes, I try to make up for it by being extra nice to my nephews. His wife though avoids us which is understandable. I know she feels really bad that we weren't being objective. I was objective. I even took his wife's side at first. My brother felt this and talked to me. Even if he sort of did not make sense, he is family. My parents also have a hard time believing it because they were more focused on how my brother used to be than who he is now. Maybe it is also parental pride? that if they do admit that it was my brother in the wrong, they must not have raised him right. It is easier to pass the blame to another person. It is wrong but they are quite close minded.

Edited November 19, 2018 by RaleighMoss

[Malin889]

My goodness I feel very bad for the poor wife. Being her friend, you should reassure her you support her and you are still her friend. I understand how parents can be closed minded when it comes to their children, but hopefully they can come around and support her as well.

 

As for your brother, he is still very young. It sounds like they got married young and he didn’t get to enjoy his wild party years when he was younger, so he’s doing it now. That being said, he still should’ve communicated with the wife about his unhappiness before cheating on her. But what’s done is done.

 

Just be cordial to him, and to the new woman in his life, but under no means do you need to be friends with her nor go out of your way for them. He didn’t respect his family before he did this, and you do not need to respect him. I’m telling you, she won’t be around for long. But continue to be there for the wife and the kids, they need you the most.

[bathtub-row]

He got involved with someone too young and then got saddled with the responsibility of kids. Kind of a lot for someone his age. He apparently never got a chance to spread his wings. If I were you, I wouldn’t judge him too harshly. He needs to be able to figure things out on his own. Chances are, regardless of how perfect his wife was for him, it’s probably not going to work out.

 

Be very careful about choosing sides. Your best bet here is to remain neutral. If he’s still married, then no you shouldn’t encourage an affair but I got the impression that he’s divorced. If that’s correct, leave him alone about it. If he’s still married, let him know you don’t approve but it’s ultimately his decision. The more you make an issue of it, the more he’s going to resist.

[RaleighMoss]

My goodness I feel very bad for the poor wife. Being her friend, you should reassure her you support her and you are still her friend. I understand how parents can be closed minded when it comes to their children, but hopefully they can come around and support her as well.

 

As for your brother, he is still very young. It sounds like they got married young and he didn’t get to enjoy his wild party years when he was younger, so he’s doing it now. That being said, he still should’ve communicated with the wife about his unhappiness before cheating on her. But what’s done is done.

 

Just be cordial to him, and to the new woman in his life, but under no means do you need to be friends with her nor go out of your way for them. He didn’t respect his family before he did this, and you do not need to respect him. I’m telling you, she won’t be around for long. But continue to be there for the wife and the kids, they need you the most.

They got married a few yrs after they graduated from college. They were highschool sweethearts. Yes, blood is thicker than water. We are ok. His wife is indifferent to us, not that i can blame her. I am cordial to the OW but i prefer not to interact with her. There is just something about her.. she acts like she just won the lottery with my brother, he is doing quite well with his business. I feel like they are living in some kind of fantasy where all they do is just play around and have fun. They are not acting like adults.

[bathtub-row]

They got married a few yrs after they graduated from college. They were highschool sweethearts.

 

High school sweethearts - there’s the problem right there. She was with him in high school, throughout college, and after. Too much togetherness too soon.

[RaleighMoss]

He got involved with someone too young and then got saddled with the responsibility of kids. Kind of a lot for someone his age. He apparently never got a chance to spread his wings. If I were you, I wouldn’t judge him too harshly. He needs to be able to figure things out on his own. Chances are, regardless of how perfect his wife was for him, it’s probably not going to work out.

 

Be very careful about choosing sides. Your best bet here is to remain neutral. If he’s still married, then no you shouldn’t encourage an affair but I got the impression that he’s divorced. If that’s correct, leave him alone about it. If he’s still married, let him know you don’t approve but it’s ultimately his decision. The more you make an issue of it, the more he’s going to resist.

He is still married. Thats what i dont ubderstand about him. Since he chose the OW he should divorce his wife so that she can move on. He cant use her as a safety net in case he will grow tired with the OW. He is making excuses and my siblings and i called him out for being selfish. And you are right. He resisted, became more defensive and pointed out our own faults in our respective marriages. He becomes touchy when we highlightt his mistakes. What we are concerned of is we noticed that he is just not happy. Maybe he is using the OW as a distraction? It breaks our heart to know that maybe he is just staying with her to prove a point that he did not make a mistake of choosing her That he does not want to hear the i told you sos. That his pride is more important to him. This is not the brother i know.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

He was saying that he was not happy anymore, etc. he was bad-mouthing his wife saying she was jealous and crazy. ....

 

He may be having fun with this other girl but he is not happy, not like when he was still with his wife. ...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

This is classic cheater behavior. Your brother wants to remain the "good guy" in the eyes of his family. The only way to do that it is make the wife the "bad" person. Plus, it makes him the feel better about HIMself for his bad behavior. You can Google "cognitive dissonance affairs" to read more about it. It's textbook response.

 

Think of it this way: your SIL is home taking care of the kids and house while your brother is out clubbing. Of course going clubbing with other women is more "fun" than being a responsible husband and father.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is still married. Thats what i dont ubderstand about him. Since he chose the OW he should divorce his wife so that she can move on. He cant use her as a safety net in case he will grow tired with the OW.

 

Sure he can and probably will continue to do so - as long as she allows it.

 

I mean, she could divorce him, right? As long as she does nothing, he's enabled to play both sides with no consequences. You get what you permit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RaleighMoss]

This is classic cheater behavior. Your brother wants to remain the "good guy" in the eyes of his family. The only way to do that it is make the wife the "bad" person. Plus, it makes him the feel better about HIMself for his bad behavior. You can Google "cognitive dissonance affairs" to read more about it. It's textbook response.

 

Think of it this way: your SIL is home taking care of the kids and house while your brother is out clubbing. Of course going clubbing with other women is more "fun" than being a responsible husband and father.

Really? At first we were like "maybe what he is saying is true" i mean we were torn because he is our brother and he is a good person and on the other hand, we also know his wife; we could not believe that she could do and say those things because she is the introverted and classy type. in the end we were confused and we never got to hear his wife's side anymore because she already distanced herself from our family. our parents and some of my siblings believed him but there are also some of us who are skeptical because yes, it seems that he is portraying himself as the good guy. i am just a little ashamed and disappointed of how our family handled this because when people ask why they separated they put the blame on his wife which is unfair. I have sisters and nieces also i mean how would they feel if this happens to them or their children or grandchildren.

[RaleighMoss]

Sure he can and probably will continue to do so - as long as she allows it.

 

I mean, she could divorce him, right? As long as she does nothing, he's enabled to play both sides with no consequences. You get what you permit...

 

Mr. Lucky

yes what you say is very logical. maybe his wife is still healing our focusing on herself and their children as of now. our maybe she is not budging so that she can spite the OW. I heard that the OW and my brother are arguing about this because the OW is not comfortable with this stigma and she wants to marry him. oh well.

[anika99]

I'd say stop trying to talk sense to your brother, because you are right in that the more you point out how bad his behaviour is the more he will defend his actions and the more determined he will be to prove you wrong. He knows how you feel, now let him experience the consequences of his choices.

 

Being young is no excuse for his actions. Plenty of people still get married and have children in their twenties and they manage to honor their commitment and their responsibility to their family. Imagine if his wife decided that she too wants to be young and free. Where would that leave her kids?

 

It's a shame that some of your family blames her for her husband's choices. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to fix someone else's life or marriage so best to just be the best aunt you can be and let your brother and his wife figure out their marriage. She should probably divorce him and move on with her life but she is probably sadly holding out hope that he will realize his error, decide that she's the one he truly loves and come home. I hope for her sake she snaps out of that mindset soon. Your brother will learn that the grass isn't greener and that happiness isn't based on who you're with or how much fun you're having in the moment but he may not realize this for several more years and after much damage.

[preraph]

I bet he wants to keep his wife and any new girlfriends too. He should divorce his wife so she can move on. She got the bad end of this selfish crap. There's no excuse for him. You are supposed to break up with someone on the merits of that relationship, not wait until you find someone you want to bang and then blame the wife. He needs to divorce her and end the carnage. This new one met him cheating and he'll cheat on her too, so they'd be nuts to marry.