anika99 Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 Thank you all for your feedback. The details on the car aren't important, it's but one of many examples of times she's put us through the ringer. Her "price" would be well into six figures, much more than we've spent on our other kids, all of whom are responsible, healthy adults. Regardless, my wife agreed to the suggestion given here to a lower-key meeting at a coffee shop and, after texting her, got this response - "Never mind, I'll find somewhere else to go for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This really hurts, I won't forget it". So once again, since we won't do what she wants, we're out. So be it... Mr. Lucky She hasn't changed. If she had then she would have understood your apprehension and wanted to put in the work to earn your trust back. She would be looking to make amends and she would have jumped at the chance to meet for coffee. I'm sorry for you and especially your wife. It's very hard for a mom to be estranged from her children Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 So, what was the end result? Did your daughter come over for Thanksgiving? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2018 Author Share Posted November 25, 2018 No. She sent a guilt-inducing follow-up text saying "I thought holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas were for family". I responded there are 363 other days in the year, and if she wanted a relationship with us, she'd have to have some clean time under her belt to do so. I reiterated we were glad to meet her somewhere any time to hear about her progress and express our support. This has been her MO many times before. Use, cut us off or disappear and then walk back in the door as though nothing has happened and with the expectation we'll clean up the mess. We're trying hard to change that dynamic... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 I'm sorry she can't see the light yet. I pray she comes to her senses. For now, as hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. Hang tough. For what little it's worth, I'm proud of you & your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 That’s good to hear. I think you did the right thing although I can imagine it wasn’t easy by any means. I think she got the message loud and clear though. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Mr. Lucky I can relate as I have posted from the beginning about the trials and tribulations I have and continue to experience with my own daughter who I feel just like yours will eventually be estranged. Its hard dealing with addiction. When I first posted about my D's using pot a lot of people came hard at me like what is the big deal and how i was doing too much. But now I know that it was more than just the pot but a personality disorder. She has given us issues since middle school and hasn't stopped since. Its like she refuses to be responsible, accountable and be the adult she needs to be. I don't know what the future will be like as we still are trying to help her with a career path. After that we will be done. If she wasn't home with us I can understand meeting at a central location. Having to protect yourself from your own child sounds bananas but this is life for us too. Security cameras in and out of our home. I am thankful to have this as we have already had to deal with her letting strangers into our home. So I will pray for you and your wife. The best thing to do is be on the same page with whatever you decide with your D. Always let her know you love her but let her know that you can only do so much and whatever you don't do she only has herself to blame for that and shouldn't be surprised or upset over it. This is how you both need to handle her and her situation until she can show you otherwise. Good Luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrschaney Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 By her response you know she didnt want to spend the time with you. She wanted to shake you down and thought youd be an easy target because of the holidays. I know exactly what you are going through and Im sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 From my experience you can't fix this. It's totally up to them. They will take and take. With no regard for anyone. For a lot the self destruction never changes. Sorry you're going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Sorry mr lucky I really hope she comes to her senses Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 Thanks guys for all your support. The funny part is, she thinks we're angry at her for being an addict. While it's been excruciating to watch her ruin her life, I see addiction as a disease. Trust me, few people would voluntarily choose this path. And I also get that relapse is part of the package, two steps forward, one (or more!) step back. My issues with her have come when she's been clean. The way she's been dismissive of the support received, not just from us, but from everyone has been disheartening. She's always struggled in her relationships with other people, strange because she's beautiful, intelligent and accomplished. I guess it's chicken or egg - are selfish people more prone to addiction or do drugs make you use and lose the ones that care about you? I'm still trying to figure it out... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 This is going to sound odd but have you tried writing to her? Tell her how much you love her. Tell her that it hurts when she doesn't acknowledge the support. Tell her your expectations but always make sure she knows she's loved. I don't really know if it will help but it might may you feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2018 Author Share Posted December 11, 2018 I have communicated with her in writing and, you're right, it did make me feel better. She's been largely unresponsive... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 (edited) lt must be such a hard thing to go through, really hoping some good comes around for you all with everything. The no reply could just be an on the surface look , l'd be amazed if even the toughest on the outside wasn't thinking thinking inside though, getting a letter from her dad. Just wondering , is anyone at all in the family close to her or have been , anyone she has a soft spot and connection with, one of my brothers was off the rails for years , jail the lot , but my sister brought him around eventually . He's never been able to get his life together but at least he's been off the drugs as far as we know for a good 10yrs or so , and staying out of trouble too. Hoping things get better. Edited December 20, 2018 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 Thanks guys for all your support. The funny part is, she thinks we're angry at her for being an addict. My issues with her have come when she's been clean. The way she's been dismissive of the support received, not just from us, but from everyone has been disheartening. She's always struggled in her relationships with other people, strange because she's beautiful, intelligent and accomplished. Mr. Lucky You have to remember when she is clean, she is not healthy or cured. She will be dismissive because she is embarrassed and wants to pretend she does not have an issue and she can control it. So having to say thank you or acknowledge the support means she has to acknowledge all the bad things she did. When she does show she is grateful, it will generally be because she is manipulating you to get something. The addict I lived with did this regularly. She would beg for $10 for gas to get to work through the week and put on the biggest sob story you ever heard and you'd feel like you had to help. She would show me the empty gas tank 3 minutes before I had to leave for work and say she has no gas to get to work that day, because that way I'd give her $10 because I didn't have time to get her gas myself before work. If I gave it to her and she would act like I saved her life. I would go to the gas station 2 minutes behind her and she would then walk out with a bag of chips and 2 bottles of pop. She would give whatever excuse, but the end game was that the chips and pop were going to be her proof she was at the gas station and the other $5 was for the hit. I'd check the tank and see it was still empty and then it somehow became how her addiction was your fault because you kept reminding her and that made her want to use. When they are not using the manipulation does not go away. They know if they can make you feel like you are wrong or you are the bad guy, most people will "make it up to them" by relenting on something or giving them the "support" they are trying to extract. They know the quickest way to get your "trust" is for them to be the helpless victim, so helpless they are in no position to be able to scam you. It's the long con game they are expert at. You handled it perfectly. The only thing I found that ever worked was a hard no. -Oh, you're living on the street? Must be cold, make better decisions. -Family should be together on Christmas? Yup, but you're not allowed in my house because you steal and use and if you come by I'm calling the cops. Family shouldn't steal and subject other family to cruelty. Do you want to meet at McDonald's instead? -You have anxiety and the doctor gave you heart medication and your friend stole it and you feel like you are going to have a heart attack and you need money for a prescription? Ok, I'll drop you at the ER and I am letting the nurses and doctors know you are an addict and they will not give you any medication so you'll lay in a bed for 4 hours in a hallway with them ignoring you. Oh, you feel better now? Ok. I did find when they tried to say how horrible you are in response, if you show their comments do not affect you, they will consider you a dry well and back off. They might try to tap the well every now and again, but if you don't let them manipulate you they stop trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted December 20, 2018 Author Share Posted December 20, 2018 Hoping things get better. Our middle son, closest in age to her, is the only one left with anything to do with her. She's pretty much burned every other bridge - family, friends and ex-BF's included. I'm hopeful but realistic about the future. Thanks for your kind words. I did find when they tried to say how horrible you are in response, if you show their comments do not affect you, they will consider you a dry well and back off. They might try to tap the well every now and again, but if you don't let them manipulate you they stop trying. Sound advice and, trust me, I get it intellectually. However, it has been and remains an emotional struggle, especially this time of year... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 <snip>, trust me, I get it intellectually. However, it has been and remains an emotional struggle, especially this time of year... Mr. Lucky, From my own experience, the 'emotional struggle' can also be attributed to guilt and/or a sense that one has somehow personally failed to help the other person. I would offer that if you, intellectually, know that you have done everything within your own dominion and control, to help your daughter, then, in that is where we have to find our comfort and solace. For me, also, I used to be affected by 'times of the year', until I came to realize that that is not the important factor at all. Sending best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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