Things exes did after a breakup

[jtro243]

Hey guys, I posted this in the breakups section, but seeing as I'm looking for stories from people who witnessed or are currently working through reconciliation or bettering the relationship with their ex in other ways, I want to repost it here. Got a lot of negativity on the other location, maybe because there are a lot of hurt and angry people there (rightfully) and potentially more loving and forgiving people here (hopefully). Everyone I've talked to has told me to give her time and space. That she's working through the breakup and trying to see what she wants, if I can make the changes I promised, and is focused on other things in life that are stressing her out and has put our relationship or lackthereof on the back burner as she sorts through her own stuff but that she will contact me to talk about things at the very least... a woman that was similarly in her position did tell me she WILL come back at some point and want to work things out, but from my perspective all of that feels like it will never happen. She suffers from sever anxiety and depression (aka heavily medicated) and could lose her scholarship this semester and have to move back home and finish school in a town she hates and live with her parents and pretty much abandon her life here. She requested for us to not speak when the break started until the end of the semester and I struggled the first month with that but finally began to respect her wishes and we currently are not speaking and I know I wouldn't receive a reply if I tried anyways. I know I'm not blocked, but communicating wouldn't end well I believe. I've been using the time apart to make myself into a better person and dive into the issues that separated us.

 

Her: 21

Me: 24

 

So here's what's from the other post. Tell me what you all think of these things...

 

Hey guys, just wanted to know what kinds of things your exes did following a breakup?

 

Mine has not done much of anything to remove me from her life and I'm curious if her behavior is normal.

 

Things like:

 

Phrasing such as " I think we should take a break/breakup"; never a definitive absolute tone.

 

Her mother continually brings her up to me, tells me how stressed she is and worried for her and what not. Asks if I have talked to her.

 

Keeping her FB RL status hidden from the world, not just me. Usually if you're done with someone you put that on "Single" and get on with life, at the very least so you can get laid or let your ex know its for real. I do know that she is at least getting rebound sex... found that out in a rather unfortunate manner.

 

Not removing instagram photos of us... granted she has photos of her ex before me on there, but our photos do have a more personal nature (us kissing and holding each other) while theirs were prom and church photos.

 

Not returning items such as clothing, Chromecast, DVD Player (I bought that as a olive branch of sorts amidst the breakup, there's a story behind why I picked a DVD Player)

 

Let me have one of her pets to watch under the guise that her roommate doesn't like him (That's bull**** because she still has another hedgehog in her apartment)

 

Didn't even discuss the breakup despite needing to have a break to think it over (usually they like to at least have a brief discussion before cutting ties forever) even though I had calm demeanor when she broke it off.

 

 

SO. What do you guys think abut this, am I crazy here or what?

I understand people hold onto hope like its life and death, but honestly this behavior just isn't conducive to how I have handled exes in the past or how I feel others would normally handle exes.

 

Also, please spare me the whole "move on" speech. Trying to understand a breakup doesn't mean I'm curled up in a ball of pity.

Edited November 19, 2018 by jtro243
Added details.

[d0nnivain]

Any valid reconciliation will take TIME. This summer I went to the wedding of a couple who were HS sweethearts. They broke up freshman year of college & got back together about 3 years after graduation. They had both grown up a lot.

 

A semester is not going to change, cure, fix or improve her anxiety. If she is already heavily medicated, the problems will last a life time. Sad part, IMO, medication just masks the problem. She needs to be committed to learning tools to calm herself but modern medicine prefers her to take a happy pill. There is something to the meds because sometimes they quiet the noises to enable the person to think clearly but it's not a lasting solution.

 

 

You say you are working to make yourself a better person & that is wonderful but you weren't in the relationship alone & you weren't the sole cause of the break up. You can be the best person possible but that won't fix what is wrong with her.

 

Her social media status is meaningless. If I were you I'd disconnect on all those platforms to spare yourself the pain of seeing her. Stop talking to her mom too. You can't heal if you constantly pick at the scabs trying to form over your heart.

 

Give the hedgehog back if you like but I see the pet more as a parting gift & excuse not to give back your other stuff.

 

I don't know if she will ever come back. If I were you, I wouldn't want her back because I could never trust her not to jettison you again when times get tough. Life gets harder after college. If she can't juggle some classes & a BF, she's not going to be somebody you can count on in a real crisis. The only way for you to function is to assume she won't come back & live your life accordingly.

[jtro243]

You're right about it taking time. I was very impatient. I wanted to fix this NOW and it just wasn't happening. She needed time and I wasn't giving it to her. I think once the break started up until right now I had sent a total of 6-7 messages and 2 total phone calls if you count the butt-dial. I am currently at 1 month of NC, and have no intentions of trying to initiate contact. Not only because I know I won't get a response, but also because I know I am not yet ready.

 

That being said I am fairly certain she is not taking the time to fix her issues aswell. While I fully believe that it takes 2 to ruin a relationship, I am not without admitting I played an overall larger hand in the breakup. Even if that weren't the case, I can only work on MY problems and can only speculate about the changes she needs to make and how to make them. With her being in her junior year of chemical engineering, I doubt she even has had the time to put in effort for change. Knowing that, if a reconciliation were to happen, I realize that I would have to be patient and unconditionally loving to her and support her through everything. But we aren't even talking.

 

I'm not holding my breathe and as I said, I don't expect anything except for absolute and total abandonment on her end and for nothing to ever turn out OK. It still baffles me to this day that she could just cut contact so easily for so long. She was very torn up at the beginning when the break started, a good mix of angry and sad. I know it's only been 3 months and good reconciliations take between 3-6 at the VERY least, but I honestly have never been in a situation like this where I can't predict anything.

 

I understand and can accept her decision to leave. She's young and I don't want her to feel forced/trapped. Knowing that she needs to feel her freedom and independence, I also know that I can forgive her and trust her when/if she does come back. That doesn't mean I won't still feel hurt, but I won't worry about her leaving again because that would be finality for me. I know if we get back together that is the last shot, not only for her, but me as well. I refuse to go through this again with anyone else, ever.

[jtro243]

I visited her parents over the holiday. The things I'm about to list I have ruled off as either laziness/lack-of-desire-to-confront or pure coincidence, but I do feel some of this stuff could have further meaning. A note for the reader: I've accepted the breakup and the idea that she will never come back or that if she does it will only be to end things permanently, and I would be better off just not speaking to her; I've lost almost all hope that she thinks of me with any desire, if she thinks of me at all.

 

As for the things worth mentioning... I visited her parents over the holiday. They wanted to have me over to catch up and just visit. They brought mexican home for them and their younger son and I to all eat together. She wasn't home as she had returned to college for the final home football game at her university. In addition to this invitation over, due to the close nature I have with her parents, I had a very traumatic experience with my father the following night... usually I talk to her about the problems at home with my father, but obviously that couldn't happen. I very calmly sent a text to her mother asking if she could talk on the phone for a few minutes. She called me almost immediately. I told her about my father's behavior (suffice to say he was being very manipulative and toxic, the same traits that I learned from him had also emerged in my relationship with her, my ex. I could go into detail about all this if anyone wants to know, a lot happened that night with my father). She immediately offered to have me come over and stay the night, I put up resistance because I didn't want my ex to get word and be upset, I know how I would feel if my ex was staying the night at my house. She assured me she wouldn't speak to her daughter about it and that her husband whom I often look to for advice... in lieu of my father... and with no place else to go at midnight I ended up there and watched a movie with her father; her mother was in bed when I arrived. Side note that I just recalled is that her mother took the time to specifically mention that I didn't have to sleep in her bed if I didn't want to... they have a really large house so the fact she specifically pointed that out just seems odd to me.

 

Without further suspense, here are a few things I noticed over those two days I spent with them:

 

- The college graduation announcement from May of this year with my face covering 80% of it, is still on their fridge right next to their daughter's high school soccer picture.

 

- I took a peek in her room, as I was curious if she had gotten rid of the photos of us on her dresser, and noticed they're both still there. The location of my shirt and tablet had not been touched either (all different locations in the room). I felt uncomfortable even peeking through the door, didn't know how her parents would view that, so I closed the door and left it be.

 

- A few weeks after the break I had bought some succulents in cute pots that she would love, and left them with her mother. The first night I visited I asked about them, and her mother said with a smile "She did take the plants back to college with her".

 

- She hasn't posted a snapchat story since the night we broke up, which she deleted as soon as I viewed it... but posted one the day of the game that was just a picture of the stadium (her not in it) with a generic school spirit saying. It's a thing for the girls at this school to dress up and she definitely does that, and most people who dress up and look nice like to document it, strange to me she didn't. I feel this may have been a "feeler" story as it had really no content in it anyone would find interesting, and just wanted to see if I would view it. Obviously I did, but I made myself wait 6 hours after it had been posted to view it. I didn't know what I would find once I viewed it, fearing the worst, and put it off.

 

I do realize she may just be putting off ridding the remains of me from her life, since shes really busy with school and not home much, but I know that when I made the decision to push her out of my mind and get on with my life, I boxed everything that reminded me of her up and put it in the closet. Out of sight out of mind mentality. Maybe the presence of my belongings doesn't bother her and she's just well and truly moved on. I believe that truly might be the case... and as I said my expectations for any positive outcome talking to her are almost nill.

 

I'm not looking for hope or despair, I'm just documenting something I found peculiar. Perspective is always appreciated, though. Wether or not what you have to comment about this is disparaging or hopeful is all subjective, but perspective is my biggest ally right now.

Edited November 26, 2018 by jtro243