break situation?

[Ravens97]

Hey all - I could really use some help and thoughts at this time. Some background - I’m 21, male, gay, and have been in two previous relationships prior to this, both of which lasted around 1-2 years. I’m currently set to graduate from college in a few weeks and enter the workforce, so the following situation is even more stressful - not to mention the fact that the holidays are approaching. it’s clouding my judgement about which coast I may possibly want to work in.

 

My current boyfriend (20 turning 21 in a month) of a little over a year has asked for a ‘break. While we were together one day, he noticed pictures of shirtless celebrities I’d saved in my instagram for the first time and it triggered body insecurities and trust issues in him. The pictures meant nothing to me and I am extremely attracted to him. He knows this, but is now saying he can’t be in the relationship - he needs to work on issues alone. Digging further, he also mentioned some loss of feelings he’d still been having. (Back in September, we took a one week space from each other when he was feeling disconnected in relationship. 6 days in, we met up and spoke and I feel we got stronger. Since then, everything has felt fine and he even began mentioning a possible Hawaii trip we could go on next summer - all of course until now).

 

So, we met up and he explained how he needs to be single, but doesnt want to break up. We agreed to be in some sort of “Pending” stage - not seeing others, but not talking/meeting up for an indefinite amount of time (could be 3 weeks, 3 months , a year, etc.) My boyfriend wasn’t very reassuring and didnt want to give too much hope. He explained how he wanted to take space and then get back together but wasnt sure when/if that might happen. Still, we didn’t break up and agreed instead to this relationship purgatory. He cited his fears about not wanting these issues to turn into larger isshes that may make us resent each other, cheat or abuse each other down the line. Of course, I understand that but believe issues need to be talked about and worked on as well. I’m sure most will disagree with my decision to agree to this indefinite break/limbo, but I truly do not want to break up. I do not want to break up and do not want to move on or have anybody else.

 

This relationship has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. We share a compatability that I know is rare and espcially amongst other gays, I will not find. I love him deeply and picture a long term future with him - not imagining it with anyone else or even wanting to try with anyone else. We’ve traveled together to Ireland, Dominican Republic and other places - exploring, having fun and at the end of the day, laying down at 2 am in my bed just staring at each other.

 

Now a day after we’ve spoken, I’m extremely depressed, anxious and scared and can’t function. I’m confused about when we should check in with each other (after x amount of time?) and to make matters worse, we originally had upcoming plans. Next month, I was going with him and his friends on a small nearby trip from Dec 19-21 and a few days after that, is my boyfriend’s 21st birthday celebration. Essentially, yes, I’m waiting around for him and the ball is in his court, but I’m terrified. I should note that he is the type of erson to try and force situations when his head is clouded. I want this to work and I truly see him as special. Not joking when I say he is my workd. I miss him so much just as I’m typing this and all of his stuff is still spread around my room.

 

What should I do? Thoughts? In particular, what plan of action should I take - how long should I wait before reaching out to check in? I don’t want to lose him. Is he going to miss me and maybe be in a clearer head to work things out? Previous relationships haven’t been like this - when they were ending, I knew they should end but i tried anyway. This specific one is different. I miss my baby.

[PegNosePete]

I’m sure most will disagree with my decision to agree to this indefinite break/limbo

...

What should I do? Thoughts? In particular, what plan of action should I take - how long should I wait before reaching out to check in?

These questions and issues you're now having are a direct result of agreeing to an indefinite break/limbo. Which as you correctly assess, most will disagree that it is a good idea. Precisely because it's going to lead to the exact situation you're in now.

 

What you should do is to change your decision. Tell him you won't be held in purgatory and won't agree to an indefinite "break". That the only "break" you will agree to is one with a specific purpose and duration and contact rules.

 

Most likely you're going to break up in the end, whether you want it or not. Breaks very rarely lead to a happy ever after relationship. As you have found out, after your break in September: it didn't lead to a long lasting relationship, it led to another break 2 months later. Even if this "break" does end with a reunion, it probably won't last long.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but he's already gone. It's only a matter of time until he mans up and actually tells you he's not coming back.

 

His asinine request to not break up but maybe not ever officially reunite demonstrates how immature and self-centered he is. This type of person is not suited to a committed relationship. Not at this point in his life. This is what people who want to explore the single life but still have a security net (you) do, in case the singles scene isn't as thrilling as they'd hoped. But it's not a relationship that is going to go the distance after something like this.

 

Go and regain your self-respect and set yourself free by ending it officially. You are wasting your time and emotional energy waiting around for someone like him.

[FMW]

I agree with the others. You're only hurting yourself by hanging on and staying in limbo, waiting/hoping he'll fully come back to you.

 

You have an exciting new beginning waiting following your graduation. Let go of what isn't working and be fully available for what's waiting for you with someone who will be decisive and as devoted to a relationship as you are.

[Ravens97]

Thanks for the replies. The things is he doesn’t seem to want to break up. He felt bad about the arrangement and wasn’t willing to go throughw itb it if I wasn’t. I feel like he lost touch with himself and needs the time to restore some of that. Just last night, I saw through snapchat - him drunk with his friends at a birthday brunch. I doubt he’s looking for others. I’m just curious as to how long I should give before I reach out to check in (which might be the point where I call it quits myself). 2 weeks? 3 weeks? Etc. keep in mind I need to know if I’m going with him to the trip dec 19-21 and his birthday a few days after. It feels like just yesterday we were holding hands walking on the resort at night in the Dominican Republic. I miss him so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

People who want to be with you don't call time-outs, OP. Especially not twice. His desire to be single is stronger than his desire to be with you.

 

He hasn't lost touch with himself. He's just very young, and likes you, but isn't really ready for a commitment. He doesn't yet have the maturity to do the right thing and break up with you completely when his heart's not in it. He might not be actively looking for someone else right now, but if we're being honest, single folks don't generally turn down interesting options either. The probability is very high that eventually he will find another guy and then you're going to be right back at Heartbreak Hotel.

 

I wouldn't be going on any trips with him or spending his birthday with him. You're going to get your heart broken all over again when you return and he's still "confused." Don't make memories with someone who sees you an option, but not a priority.

 

I know your heart doesn't want to let go, but this isn't the guy for you.

Edited November 19, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[FMW]

Expat is right. YOU shouldn't be the one to be checking in with him, at ANY point. If and when he's ready to commit to you, he'll let you know. But please don't wait for that - it likely will never come.

[Ravens97]

I know this will sound crazy, but I really do see him as the love of my life. I recognize that he’s more immature than me, but I want to grow with him. I wouldn’t be doing this ridiculous arrangement if I didn’t see him as the one. He isn’t ready to give me that specific type of long term commitment which I understand, but I’m willing to wait X amount of time to see what happens. The question, though, becomes how much time? We agreed that we’d chedk in with each other, but never specific when.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know this will sound crazy, but I really do see him as the love of my life. I recognize that he’s more immature than me, but I want to grow with him. I wouldn’t be doing this ridiculous arrangement if I didn’t see him as the one. He isn’t ready to give me that specific type of long term commitment which I understand, but I’m willing to wait X amount of time to see what happens. The question, though, becomes how much time? We agreed that we’d chedk in with each other, but never specific when.

 

Right, but he obviously doesn't feel that way about you. It sadly doesn't make a lick of difference if we feel someone is The One, but they don't.

 

But to answer your question - he is the one who should be checking in with you. Not you contacting him. I would not reach out to him at all. If it's always you making the effort, you'll never know if he's really interested or only responding so as not to be a total doosh by ignoring you. And even then, what purpose does "checking in" really serve? To see if he's suddenly changed his mind, or ?

[Ravens97]

He texted me yesterday asking how I was and saying he was sad. I said - why? He said "Because I miss you". I asked if the trip and his birthday were a definite no and he said they weren't a definite no, but not a yes yet either. What do I do now?

[HumanMachine]

He texted me yesterday asking how I was and saying he was sad. I said - why? He said "Because I miss you". I asked if the trip and his birthday were a definite no and he said they weren't a definite no, but not a yes yet either. What do I do now?

 

Tell him to stop playing games with you

[PegNosePete]

What do I do now?

This changes nothing. You re-read the replies you've already been given here.