When a friend doesn't acknowledge your achievement

[Zapbasket]

I just completed a big project that by most standards, is an achievement in itself just to complete. I texted a few of my good friends, each separately, telling them, "I did it! I finished it!" Two of the three of them congratulated me, said they're excited to see it, said they're proud of me for my persistence and that I must feel amazing.

 

But the third friend I can see has seen my text--I sent her two, one just saying, "I finished!", and then two days later another, with photos I'd taken of the project. I can see that she has seen both of them--both of them showed "Read at ____," giving a time not a half hour after I'd sent them. I also called her on Friday to see when we could get together. I've heard nothing from her and I'm a little surprised. I wouldn't have texted these friends if I had any thought they'd be anything other than happy for me.

 

I've had a niggling feeling something is up with this friend, like she's pulling away from me, and I can't imagine anything I've done other than that she knows I'm moving soon from where we live. She knows how long I've been working on this project and while I am considering the possibility that she has something going on that could be keeping her from responding, on the other hand I can't help thinking, "How hard would it be to just text back a 'Congrats!'"

 

It has been two days now since my last message. Should I just leave it? Or ask her if everything is ok? What could be going on that would make her not feel like congratulating me? It's not like I go around bragging all the time about my achievements. I haven't really HAD any achievements in the past several years; I went through a very low time in recent years and this project is the first manifestation of things finally looking up, and I"m super-relieved, excited, and happy and just thought she would be happy for me.

[carhill]

The best way, or so my dad shared when imparting marital and relationship wisdom with me as a young man, to determine that a relationship has likely run its course is when an accounting exercise regarding the relationship begins.

 

However, as a test here, try the usual celebratory method, calling a few friends and arranging a get-together to hoist a few to your success. Real friends press flesh in real life and prioritize each other, even if not every day. If everyone is 'busy' and not really interested in the deal or your achievement, cool, move on. They're not the friends you thought they were.

[Zapbasket]

The best way, or so my dad shared when imparting marital and relationship wisdom with me as a young man, to determine that a relationship has likely run its course is when an accounting exercise regarding the relationship begins.

 

However, as a test here, try the usual celebratory method, calling a few friends and arranging a get-together to hoist a few to your success. Real friends press flesh in real life and prioritize each other, even if not every day. If everyone is 'busy' and not really interested in the deal or your achievement, cool, move on. They're not the friends you thought they were.

 

Sorry--maybe this is a sign I need to go make that second cup of coffee. Not sure what you mean? Who's doing the accounting?

 

I thought this friend and I, based on our history, were good friends; I didn't think twice about texting her specifically to tell her about my accomplishment.

[carhill]

If you're focusing on one friend not responding to your advertisement of success, you're accounting the friendship. If it's a passing blip, no biggie, nothing emotional assigned, catch them next time, no accounting. Posting thread, focusing, that's accounting.

 

Call them up and share your success and invite them to a casual meet to celebrate. Accept the response.

 

However, the advice I received is from a man's POV on marriage and relationships. Women often view such quite differently within their own friendship circles. I did find his advice to be quite true in my own marriage, as a man, and also with male friendships. Hence, YMMV!

[preraph]

There are people who resent others' successes. Not sure that's what is going on, but it could be. Or she could just be so self-absorbed she only congratulates herself.

[stillafool]

Whatever is going on with that particular friend is her problem. In the meantime stop concentrating on the one friend who did not respond to you and make plans with the ones who congratulated you. I imagine the other one will get back to you when she's ready.

[Zapbasket]

There are people who resent others' successes. Not sure that's what is going on, but it could be. Or she could just be so self-absorbed she only congratulates herself.

 

Ok, but she's supposed to be my friend. Either one of these things is antithetical to friendship, in my book. And while she's not the most effusive person, ignoring two texts about a huge milestone accomplished--I mean, this is the kind of thing that no matter what you think of the person, when they tell you they've done this, you just say, "Wow, congrats!", even if you don't mean it or care--plus a phone message asking to get together, that's unusual for her. That's why I feel something must be up.

 

Sometimes I feel like we have become so collectively cavalier about relationships in this day and age that someone could post here and say, "My friend left me on the sidewalk to die after I got hit by a car," and people would say, "Yeah, that happens sometimes. Maybe she just was busy in that moment."

 

I know that's a dramatic example but if your friends can't celebrate your successes as you celebrate theirs, then what's the point?

[Zapbasket]

Whatever is going on with that particular friend is her problem. In the meantime stop concentrating on the one friend who did not respond to you and make plans with the ones who congratulated you. I imagine the other one will get back to you when she's ready.

 

Yeah, I guess I'll leave it alone, since she quite pointedly has not responded so clearly something is up, and my contacting her to ask what's going on will only make it worse. It's just that I'm moving from here in a couple of months, so there's not an endless sleuth of time. If she takes months to get back to me, I'll most definitely have written her off.

 

And when she is ready, does she really think this all will just go away? My project isn't going away; I've just moved to a different stage of working on it and it's a huge part of what I'm about, so...

[d0nnivain]

Maybe she just thought you were bragging & did care to give you validation. If you genuinely think something is wrong in her life, help her before you criticize her.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe she just thought you were bragging & did care to give you validation. If you genuinely think something is wrong in her life, help her before you criticize her.

 

Wow, is it really "bragging" to tell someone you thought was a good friend, with whom you've both talked about similar projects you're both working on, that you've finished a huge milestone in it? I've had years now where basically NOTHING worked out for me. I've been way down on my luck. I worked my butt off on this and never talked much about it because while it's in process, we all know no one really wants to hear about the process.

 

I have no reason to think anything whatsover is wrong in her life. She texted me before my messages to her saying she she's well and let's catch up soon.

 

Come on, people--can't you put yourself in my shoes when you respond? How would you feel if your friend ignored your announcement about a big accomplishment? Do you really never share anything with good friends? Did you announce you were getting married? Going back to school? That you graduated? Well, this is along those lines. Should I just say nothing to no one, ever? Then what is the point of having a friend? Should I just have said, "Oh, nothing going on with me" when we got together?

 

Come on.

[d0nnivain]

I misunderstood. I thought when you said something was going on, something was really wrong.

 

If you had been talking about the project & now you told her you finished yes, it's normal for her to at least congratulate you.

 

I don't know her. I don't know why she isn't responding. Maybe she doesn't care anymore. Maybe she has the holiday blues. Maybe she is jealous. Maybe she resents the fact that you are leaving. The only person who can answer those Qs is her so if you want answers arrange a get together.

[carhill]

Come on, people--can't you put yourself in my shoes when you respond? How would you feel if your friend ignored your announcement about a big accomplishment? Do you really never share anything with good friends? Did you announce you were getting married? Going back to school? That you graduated? Well, this is along those lines. Should I just say nothing to no one, ever? Then what is the point of having a friend? Should I just have said, "Oh, nothing going on with me" when we got together?

 

As a man, SOP. Men compete to beat each other. Yeah, an air of sportsmanship might permeate professional competitions but at our core it's dominating and winning over other men, and that includes competing for mates. Really harsh lesson it took awhile to learn. Men are activity friends, not emotional friends, IME with my generation of males. They don't gush over success nor cry over loss and failure. They don't support, they do. Expecting support and care is a sure road to being alone.

 

In your case, you got support and care from the majority you contacted about your achievement. Good for you. BTW, congratulations. Perseverance is a trait I admire. Now it's time to practice a bit of it and get on the roof. Good luck!

[Orokotikki]

What could be going on that would make her not feel like congratulating me?

 

Anything. An uncountable number of things may have occurred or be occurring in their life which you are not privy, which have more impact on them, and which they are attending to instead.

 

Unless the project was somehow directly to their benefit, for them or on their behalf, they don't owe you a congrats, and I wouldn't expect one, even though it would be nice for you if they did.

 

Maybe they would have given you a congrats under other circumstances but things came up for them to deal with and they forgot or haven't gotten around to it yet.

[Zapbasket]

 

Unless the project was somehow directly to their benefit, for them or on their behalf, they don't owe you a congrats, and I wouldn't expect one, even though it would be nice for you if they did.

 

 

I'm sorry but that's just an awful perspective. Outrageous, even. If that's how you treat your friends, wow. I am honestly speechless and even just read your response to my best friend and she said, "Wow, that's seriously cold beyond belief."

 

I really am floored.

[basil67]

GC, have you considered that her lack of response isn't about you? Perhaps she's struggling with something you don't know about and doesn't have the bandwidth to reply.

 

Instead of being upset at her lack of response, perhaps you could reach out and ask if she's OK.

[Zapbasket]

As a man, SOP. Men compete to beat each other. Yeah, an air of sportsmanship might permeate professional competitions but at our core it's dominating and winning over other men, and that includes competing for mates. Really harsh lesson it took awhile to learn. Men are activity friends, not emotional friends, IME with my generation of males. They don't gush over success nor cry over loss and failure. They don't support, they do. Expecting support and care is a sure road to being alone.

 

But a) I'm not a man and b) we're no longer a generation where men aren't "supposed" to have emotions. Though I do get that how men and women engage in same-sex friendships is and always will be somewhat different. Women tend to expect more nurturing from one another--hence the ascendence of the "catty" woman, i.e., one who pretends to be nurturing while she subtly stabs her female friends in the back. But in none of the professional circles I've been in do those kinds of women succeed, in the end.

 

In your case, you got support and care from the majority you contacted about your achievement. Good for you. BTW, congratulations. Perseverance is a trait I admire. Now it's time to practice a bit of it and get on the roof. Good luck!

 

Yeah, thanks. I have always had a lot of persistence--sometimes to my own detriment. And I've also ALWAYS expressed generous support for the accomplishments of both friends and colleagues and yes, absolutely I expect it in return.

 

Most decent people do. Even among the men of your generation, you know there are total d*cks who the other guys hate for being a jerk. From my observation men might not ask for "support" from their male friends or colleagues but they sure as hell don't stick around a man who continually, rudely undercuts them in that overt way that's beyond "friendly competition." Usually those men end up chasing their teeth around the floor. Sometimes I wish I were a dude. I'd just sock the jerks in the face and be done with it.

[Zapbasket]

GC, have you considered that her lack of response isn't about you? Perhaps she's struggling with something you don't know about and doesn't have the bandwidth to reply.

 

Instead of being upset at her lack of response, perhaps you could reach out and ask if she's OK.

 

Yes, of course I've considered that. But I also have a bad feeling because as I said, I've felt her pulling away and this just seems like a more overt version of that. So if I do ask, "Are you ok?", I want to tread carefully since she could simply say, "Yup, all's good here," and then what my intuition already is telling me would prove true.

 

My track record with friends in this town has not been good, if you have noticed from my other posts. So maybe I'm jumping the gun this time but given past experience, it can't be helped.

[Artdeco]

GC, have you considered that her lack of response isn't about you? Perhaps she's struggling with something you don't know about and doesn't have the bandwidth to reply.

 

Instead of being upset at her lack of response, perhaps you could reach out and ask if she's OK.

 

I would recommend that as well.

I also think that friendships change as we get older. People seem to be super busy these days, and I try to not take that personally, even though it sometimes hurts. I have noticed that my friendships have become a little shallower over the decades, maybe it’s due to social media if people rely too much on these platforms. They feel like they are still in touch, but with much less planning and effort. SM replace face to face effort. Cancelling last minute has become standard. No big deal. I’m guilty of that as well.

 

I understand your disappointment, and congrats on your accomplishment. But you do sound a little bitter. Maybe you’re generally a little too overbearing for your friend? Just a wild guess, though, and I might be totally off.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe you’re generally a little too overbearing for your friend? Just a wild guess, though, and I might be totally off.

 

How on earth could you get that from what I've posted here?

 

Yes, we're busy, but we also have cell phones by our sides 24/7. How long does it take you to type, "Congrats!"

[basil67]

How on earth could you get that from what I've posted here?

 

Yes, we're busy, but we also have cell phones by our sides 24/7. How long does it take you to type, "Congrats!"

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd likely not give much of a thought to who responded and who didn't. That said, I'm always terribly behind on responding to messages myself, so perhaps I'm more forgiving of those who are don't prioritise this kind of communication.

 

Had you invited them all out for celebratory drinks and didn't get a response from her after a reminder, my comments would be vastly different.

Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

And I don't think you were bragging OP.

 

To answer your question of course I would have replied with a "Congrats" to you... But if it was when I had received text say during:

-Finding out about my wife's A or in the months after

-when my pet had just died

-when my parents were getting divorced

-when my sibling was just in an accident

-when I had a highly stressful event at work

 

I might have missed replying then. It wouldn't mean I disliked that friend, or didn't feel happy for them.

 

I would have meant to reply but didn't.

[stillafool]

I just read that you have felt her pulling away. If this is true it's pretty simple she is no longer interested in being your friend. She may be happy for you about your project but knows that opening a line of communication is going to cause more communication that she isn't interested in. So she just let it be. I'm curious why you would pick her to want to go out with to celebrate rather than the friends who wished you well. Also if someone is trying to pull away from you (man or woman) let them go.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It might not have anything to do with you at all. A couple of weeks ago (election day, actually), a friend of mine texted me to try to plan to get together. I think she texted me twice. I had a very, very busy day and was just waiting until I had time to check my calendar before texting her back. Before I could do that, she texted, "Have I done something to upset you?" I was shocked (and felt terrible), but it wasn't at all about her. I had a lot going on.

[whichwayisup]

I just completed a big project that by most standards, is an achievement in itself just to complete. I texted a few of my good friends, each separately, telling them, "I did it! I finished it!" Two of the three of them congratulated me, said they're excited to see it, said they're proud of me for my persistence and that I must feel amazing.

 

<SNIP>

 

Leave it. Maybe there's stuff going on in her life that you don't know about, or maybe she is feeling envious of your accomplishment, or she is depressed about something and hearing your news made her feel bad about herself.

 

Or, it is possible she doesn't care enough to text you back. Either way, you've reached out and she hasn't replied. You've said she's been backing off of you and distanced herself, so let her continue to do that.

 

Congrats on your big achievement!

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zapbasket]

Leave it. Maybe there's stuff going on in her life that you don't know about, or maybe she is feeling envious of your accomplishment, or she is depressed about something and hearing your news made her feel bad about herself.

 

Or, it is possible she doesn't care enough to text you back. Either way, you've reached out and she hasn't replied. You've said she's been backing off of you and distanced herself, so let her continue to do that.

 

Congrats on your big achievement!

 

Thanks, WWIW. All is fine. I did text my friend, "Are you ok?" She called me and we had a great conversation, and hung up with a mutual promise that we'd try to figure out a time to get together in the next week or two. I even felt comfortable enough to tell her that I thought maybe she was pulling away when she didn't answer my texts; she said, "Well, that's dumb," and we both laughed. But she said, "I get it: you're feeling vulnerable because you're facing a few life changes and stuff." As for why she didn't respond right away, it turned out she had her first time off in a long time and was off in her own world trying to figure out career moves she could take to address the boredom she has been experiencing and was just kind-of in her own thoughts for a few days. I totally get it.

 

Anyway, this friend has always been a good friend and I think I was vulnerable because I've not had a chance in the past few years to share great news with her or any of my newer friends, and I just felt a bit shaky. Maybe I posted here too soon before really seeing if there was a problem. Thanks to those who tried to be thoughtful and helpful for your support.

Edited November 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator