Should you know Spouse/SO Deepest Darkest Secrets?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am dating my college gf. We broke up 25 years ago and went our separate ways then reconnected about 2 years ago. All judgment aside from that aspect, should you ask about any deep/dark secrets of your spouse or SO?

 

 

25 years ago my gf told me about a couple traumatic things that happened to her during her teen years but during our reconnection she has not mentioned one of the items at all and the other (sexual abuse by step father) she briefly mentioned that her sister accused her step father of abuse. My gf is very close to her step father now.

 

 

My gf has told me how much of a partier she was after we broke up in college. In one conversation about college date rape and worried about our daughters who will be going to college soon, she said she was fortunate nothing bad happened to her. Months later she said one time she woke up one morning without her pants on and didn't remember much from night before. She later got an AIDS test which was negative. It shocked me and I said that she told me nothing bad happened to her in college but she played it off and I didn't want to dig further.

 

 

Do I dare bring up the two items above that she told me about 25 years ago? One was pretty bad (not the abuse one) and maybe she has suppressed that event.

 

 

I just have a feeling there was other stuff that happened to her in college or growing up that she hasn't told me about.

[basil67]

Absolutely DO NOT bring up old wounds. These are her experiences to be talked about if and when she wants to. And no, you do not have a right to know her deepest and darkest secrets. She will share if and when she wants to. One of the things I love most about my partner and best friends is that I can tell them something bad from my past and they have the emotional intelligence to not raise the issue again unless I choose to bring it up myself.

 

Also, why would you want to go digging around in her old wounds anyway? What good would it do now?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Also, why would you want to go digging around in her old wounds anyway? What good would it do now?

 

 

 

I understand it's probably best not to dig those up. To answer your question, I thought it was strange she did not bring up one of the events after we reconnected bc we were talking about something similar. So my brain goes into overdrive wondering why she never mentioned it. Then I wonder if she doesn't remember telling me about the event 25 years ago and is hiding it (certainly her choice to do so) now.

[FMW]

No, don't ask about things that didn't involve you. It seems like maybe you aren't comfortable with or have doubts about who she is or who you are together?

[basil67]

She's not hiding it. She's simply moved on and has no wish to talk about it.

 

It sounds like you want to dig around in her old wounds for your own benefit - so that your brain doesn't go into overdrive. Sorry, that's something you have to deal with yourself. She said this stuff 25 years ago - you need to let it go.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

No, don't ask about things that didn't involve you. It seems like maybe you aren't comfortable with or have doubts about who she is or who you are together?

 

 

 

I just over-analyze things and when things don't add up in my head, it makes me think there's other stuff which just makes me more crazy

[basil67]

And so it comes back to you being able to sort out your own issues. She told you this stuff 25 years ago as a young woman. It's ancient history to everyone except you. Let it go.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How many times do you think she should tell the same stories? It's weird that you have an expectation that she would regurgitate a painful story that she's already told you.

[BaileyB]

I thought it was strange she did not bring up one of the events after we reconnected. So my brain goes into overdrive wondering why she never mentioned it.

 

It is absolutely none of your business.

 

Just because you are dating someone does not entitle you to know their every, thought, feeling, or experience.

[BaileyB]

I just over-analyze things and when things don't add up in my head, it makes me think there's other stuff which just makes me more crazy

 

To be clear, you create problems where none exist. If you are feeling "crazy," it's because you do this to yourself...

[RecentChange]

should you ask about any deep/dark secrets of your spouse or SO?

 

No absolutely not. Now, that doesn't mean a couple can't or shouldn't share deep / dark secrets. They can if they wish to....

 

But it shouldn't come about because you ASK, but rather because you have created a safe space, a place your partner can be totally vulnerable, a place were your partner knows that they can absolutely trust you with the information. That you won't make it into something more. That you will simply LISTEN and love them, and not badger or pry.

 

Over the years, after more than 10 years together my husband started to open up to me about things no one else on this planet knows about.

 

And the same is true for me, I have told him things I have told no others.

 

But neither of ever ASKED, and all we did was listen, because we understood each other, and knew that is what we needed.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just over-analyze things and when things don't add up in my head, it makes me think there's other stuff which just makes me more crazy

 

Let's say the truth is she slept with 3-4 guys a week while she was in college 25 years ago, or whatever your worst fears are.

 

What does that have to do with you, her and your relationship now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

One's deepest darkest secrets are no one's business and never bring them up again. After all the hurt I put my husband through, he never brought up anything I've told him unless I brought it up first.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

How many times do you think she should tell the same stories? It's weird that you have an expectation that she would regurgitate a painful story that she's already told you.

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is I don't think she remembers telling me this particular event and based on other conversations I don't she told her ex H either. Circumstances in conversations have come up 5-10 times that would maybe prompt her to tell me about it but she never does. We have talked about so much and being open with each other since reconnecting and I thought it was unusual she didn't bring the event up.

 

 

It makes me curious about why she's not telling me and what else is out there.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Let's say the truth is she slept with 3-4 guys a week while she was in college 25 years ago, or whatever your worst fears are.

 

What does that have to do with you, her and your relationship now?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

That is my worse fear. I guess it's connected to this. Why has she not talked about this event now when circumstance in various conversations would have maybe prompter her. What else has she not told me or been honest with me about? I have caught her in other things that didn't make sense. One was she told me she didn't give her phone # out to male yoga clients. I saw with a text from a guy asking her out. She said he messenged her on FB but she "deleted" the messages.

[RecentChange]

It makes me curious about why she's not telling me and what else is out there.

 

That is my worse fear.

 

What else has she not told me or been honest with me about? I have caught her in other things that didn't make sense. One was she told me she didn't give her phone # out to male yoga clients. I saw with a text from a guy asking her out. She said he messenged her on FB but she "deleted" the messages.

 

 

You will never know EVERYTHING about someone. This will never end.

 

Its just a matter of what comes first? Will she hit the end of her rope with your insecurity?

 

Or will you eventually get to a point you can no longer stand her flirting / attention grabbing ways?

 

She isn't ever going to stop flirting and looking for attention, its who she is.

 

And you, I don't think you will ever be secure, and able to stop the over thinking, neediness, mind movies, etc.

 

Are you still wanting to get married? Ya know, after she stops getting alimony from her wealthy ex husband?

[Els]

OP, have you considered talking to a therapist about potential OCD/anxiety? This is a genuine suggestion out of concern, not snark. If you carry on the way you are now, you will certainly rip not just this relationship, but EVERY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP apart, until you address your insecurities.

[elaine567]

Why is it that men, who are of a jealous disposition and who cannot cope with a partner's past or present exploits, end up with women who partied hard through college and have flirty personalities and very loose boundaries to the present day.

Surely better to find a woman who studied hard through college and who has good, firm boundaries when it comes to other men... much easier life and little stress.

[basil67]

It makes me curious about why she's not telling me and what else is out there.

 

Because she doesn't want to talk about it and because it's ancient history. And you're right, she may not remember telling you - but that's neither here nor there.

 

Being able to let sleeping dogs lie is one of the secrets of life. I suggest you work towards being able to do this too.

[grays]

That is my worse fear. I guess it's connected to this. Why has she not talked about this event now when circumstance in various conversations would have maybe prompter her. What else has she not told me or been honest with me about? I have caught her in other things that didn't make sense. One was she told me she didn't give her phone # out to male yoga clients. I saw with a text from a guy asking her out. She said he messenged her on FB but she "deleted" the messages.

 

My husband was very jealous and insecure for the first few years we were together. I dealt with it by changing my behavior a lot (and in ways that were damaging to me — less social and less of the stuff I love, like dancing) because I needed to always be available to him and not doing something that might scare him. And the other thing I did was to make sure to never say anything that would scare him and probably quite a few little white lies and omissions. I waited tables all through college and I remember having to continually comfort him about the fact that men would come into the restaurant and some even worked there. I don’t remember specifically, but I know in my heart I must’ve told him a million times that no one ever asked me out or flirted which was all lies. He couldn’t handle it and I didn’t feel like I could be truthful without making him miserable.

 

IMO, she’s giving her phone number to male clients just like she would the females but you have made it impossible to tell you that.

[grays]

Another thing... I was 19 and so scared that I would lose this man of my dreams, where now I’d probably think the man of my dreams doesn’t act that way, but it sure would still be hard for me to give up a man I felt strongly about because he had this one problematic area. I don’t know where she is in her life’s journey, but I doubt she’s going to want to change her whole life/personality around to accommodate your issues. You need to deal with your issues. Learn to be happy even though she is an imperfect human being and this is an imperfect world. Don’t force her to have to decide between leaving you and changing.

 

And btw, I know that my flirty social butterfly tendencies were a lot of what my ex-h liked about me but he destroyed that stuff in me (thank god they resurfaced quickly once it was over) and then was never really satisfied because I didn’t want to do social stuff with him and other people. He ended up leaving me for a 40 year old virgin who was very social and I’ll bet you the fact that she had never managed to have an intimate relationship till that point gives him all kinds of assurance that he’s safe or at least safer than if he was with an emotionally healthy person. And he gets to have an extrovert partner to bring his introverted self out to parties. Maybe they are perfect for each other — or maybe she perfectly fits his demons.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why has she not talked about this event now when circumstance in various conversations would have maybe prompter her.

 

Uh, could it be because you have no right to know or even ask? Could that be it?

 

Her past, her history and her business alone. And I agree with RecentChange - if you're looking to torpedo this relationship, you're on the right track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

What else has she not told me or been honest with me about? I have caught her in other things that didn't make sense. One was she told me she didn't give her phone # out to male yoga clients. I saw with a text from a guy asking her out. She said he messenged her on FB but she "deleted" the messages.

 

Your girlfriend has absolutely no control over what others do - whether they chose to contact her or not. And I agree with Grays, your excessive and unreasonable jealousy has made it impossible for her to honest with you - for fear that you will not believe her and rock the boat.

 

Two things you need to accept - if she is going to cheat, then she is going to cheat. No amount of hypervigilant or controlling behavior is going to stop her. Which means - you either trust her, or you don’t. And if you really don’t, then you should let this relationship go and date someone else - someone who isn’t a hot yoga teacher who enjoys the attention of others...

[Veronica73]

OP, have you considered talking to a therapist about potential OCD/anxiety? This is a genuine suggestion out of concern, not snark. If you carry on the way you are now, you will certainly rip not just this relationship, but EVERY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP apart, until you address your insecurities.

 

This. Seriously. And you’re driving yourself crazy. It’s so uneccessary and useless.

[d0nnivain]

I just have a feeling there was other stuff that happened to her in college or growing up that she hasn't told me about.

 

Normally I am for disclosure between partners but you can't change the past. With you, this woman is damned if she does & damned if she doesn't. If she continues to insist nothing happened you won't believe her because you have no ability to trust. If she tells you about some trauma 1). she has to relive it which is a big ask and 2). you will see her differently as a result & 3). you will lord it over her & use it as one more excuse to try to control her every move.

 

Why this woman continues to put up with your nonsense - the Italy trip, the wedding, & the soap in her shower -- I have no idea by all means keep giving her reasons to dump you.