Conflict Avoidant Wife

[Exformer]

Probably venting a little frustration as much as I am asking for advice...

 

As much as we've worked on communication, which has come a long way since back in early dating days, my wife and I handle situations/stress differently to the point of my frustration sometimes.

 

She is very conflict avoidant. So, much so, that new problems/situations/conflict comes from her attempts of avoidance and my feelings when this occurs, as well as my brain just not computing the sense of it. Usually these moments are far and few between, as it's only the few big stuff moments that I really get frustrated. On the other hand, the big stuff is important stuff, and every like-situation rolls into the next in my mind. I see the pattern, I remember the pattern and it all lumps together.

 

Tips or thoughts on how to manage things, whether it's her actions or just my approach to viewing those actions or anything else, would be wonderful.

[basil67]

Can you give an example or two of the kind of unresolved issue which concerns you? What is her perspective vs yours on that issue?

[Exformer]

Can you give an example or two of the kind of unresolved issue which concerns you? What is her perspective vs yours on that issue?

 

 

Tried, but this is going to be long.

 

 

Personally, I don't think she deals with anything. She just shelves problems until they laps so far in time that if she were to do something, it would appear weird.

 

I'll use an example from early in our relationship, back when we were just dating, which I've written about before.

She has a friend who she still talks to daily, who on the first time i met the friend, told me that if my now-wife and her ex ever spoke he could get her back if he wanted to. Not as a warning to me, but as something annoying about the ex...and probably to stir up drama. The next time I met this girl, a year later in our relationship, she tells me that she wishes that my then-girlfriend would just give a mutual guy friend of theirs a chance and date him, as he's always had a crush on her.

 

Both times, this was just to me. Both times, I didn't make a big deal of it, turning it into a bit of a joke, walking away and not making a scene. Both times I told my girlfriend about it.

 

Normally I'd call the girl out, especially after the second time, as the first could have been, though unlikely, a slip of speaking her thoughts out loud without regards to her audience. However, this girl is a close friend of my now-wife's, so instead of calling her out and potentially making things awkward, I went to my girlfriend and spoke my complaint.

 

My thought is you can tell your friend off or make a request to watch what they say, and if they're a close good friend, they're going to be understanding of your position and everything can be cool. If you tell off your partner's friend, there's likely going to be forever drama and your partner will have to deal with managing between the two parties. This usually puts the partner on the outs whenever all the friends get together, etc.

 

The first time i talked about it with my then-girlfriend, she reassured me she was glad to be with me and only offered to promise to say something if it happens again. The next time, she said that she wouldn't want to date the other guy...which I was well aware of... but did not say something to the friend like she promised, and it dragged on.

 

To this day, I've never been in the same room as that friend by my wife's orchestrating I assume...So I should have just told the girl off as same results happened.

I don't mention the friend, and she really doesn't matter, but it still bugs me to this day that my wife never said anything and chooses the avoidance method to deal with the situation continually for years instead of settling it years ago.

When we got married, we were going through presents to record info for thank you cards. I was unwrapping and she was writing things down. Her friend's card attached to her gift ended with "love both of you," to which I rolled my eyes. I hadn't so much as mentioned this girl since she spoke to me last. I haven't made disparaging comments about her or talked negatively in anyway. My wife's response to seeing the eye roll was, "you need to get over it."

 

I pointed out that I hadn't made an issue of anything and that the only interaction I had with this girl was negative and clearly not one where she showed any favor toward me, so an eye roll was fitting. I also brought up that I was concerned that my wife's reaction to me not liking the way her friend acted toward me the only times I've ever spent anytime with the girl, implied that i should be fine with the girl because x amount of time had passed since we were in proximity long enough for her to say something negative.

 

We talked about what happened at the time, and why I was upset that she didn't handle anything at the time. I proposed a hypothetical reverse situation, and how she would feel and what she would have expected from me...unsurprisingly, the answer was not what she had done in the same situation. She apologized, but then said there's nothing she can do about it now because it happened so long ago. I said my problem isn't that she's not doing something about it now, but because she didn't do something about it then, though we had a similar conversation both times, to which she reacted in similar fashion to now and how that affects trust in our relationship...since I can't tell if she means what she says or if she's just doing the same thing she did back then. Of course, I actually believe that she thinks she means it when she says it, as she does want to do right, but her avoidance is so strong, she can never find it in herself to actually follow through.

 

That ended with, me saying that it would be cool between the friend and I when the other girl can show she doesn't behave like that around me anymore (requiring we be around each other), or my wife speaks to her and the girl apologizes, even if just to my wife, but otherwise, I'll continue to think very little of the girl but also not bring it up (basically what I've been doing for years), and my wife can be okay with that or take the first option.

 

This isn't the only situation that occurred or the most recent, but it's one that fits the bill. She has a tendency to avoid taking any action that would require dealing with anyone she doesn't have to already deal with. She then usually goes straight for whatever she thinks I want to hear, usually in a form of what she'll do next time, as it sounds like a solution but doesn't requiring any action on her part right away...or ever, as she has yet to follow through. When the same thing happens again, there's eventually an excuse to as why the newest time didn't happen either with a different reasoning to explain it all, followed by a new promise.

 

My perspective on this issue is that I shouldn't have said anything to the friend because that was her friend, and a better outcome for her and all involved would be if she handled it. At the time she agreed, but then did not handle it at all. That new problems haven't happened, she considers it taken care of I guess. My thought is that new problems have happened because it and many other things have not been taken care of.

 

Basically and for the most part, I've learned to read between the lines and get what I can from what she says and disregard the stuff she won't really do, and in lesser issues, find a real solution, but on the bigger things, it tends to go the same way.

Again, this isn't every day or even every month (months tend to go by) that an issue like this really hits me, but eventually something comes around and there it is.

[basil67]

Exformer, with all due respect, this issue seems pretty minor and should be long buried with the 'agree to disagree' tag attached to it. And if you *must* roll your eyes about something going on, do it internally. No good ever comes from an eye roll.

 

Are there been any current issues which she's avoiding addressing?

[preraph]

I think you're missing one important point. She CAN'T handle this girl. She knows this girl well enough to know she can't change her. Because obviously, that girl is very opinionated and not at all discreet and far too blunt and is probably one of those idiots who thinks it's always right to tell the truth, no matter who it upsets -- and it's the truth according to them. The fact she was urging her to give some guy a chance your girlfriend has no interest in makes her sound like more of a meddling mother or sister than a friend, so I am assuming your gf thinks of her as family and also knows she has no control over this bluntly offensive person. In other words, if she says anything, it's just going to give her more fuel! And you know that's true! She doesn't want to go down that path because it will only make this girl worse -- and worse about you! And to your gf's credit, she doesn't follow through on this girl's meddling advise. This girl is stronger than she is, and she has no power over her. Anything she would say to her would simply backfire and get her talking badly about either your gf or you or both.

 

Now, why she wants to be friends with her, again, it sounds like a very old relationship where she tolerates things the way you have to tolerate relatives, but it does NOT sound like she goes along with her or follows her advice or even that this friend has the truth on her side. She is simply running off at the mouth whatever is going on in her feeble little mind. But you really shouldn't ask your gf to throw herself in the fire because she'll only get burnt.

 

I think avoidance is the best policy here. You should not have to deal with her at all one-on-one since she's basically crossed the line twice with you. So if I were you, I'd simply put that rule on the board and let it go. This witch isn't going to sully your gf on you. She knows she's full of it and she's ignored her "suggestions" so far or she wouldn't be married to you but to some loser her friend felt sorry for. I know it's annoying.

 

If you and your gf have kids, she'll be too busy to have much social life with this girl anyway, unless that girl turns out to be the only person she knows who has kids.

[mrs rubble]

Given the situations you describe, you were the one that was offended by the suggestion that your partner date her ex, I feel you should have said something at the time.

I have been in that very situation, you shoot them down straight away. My husband's friend said "Why did you choose this short, ugly, fat, balding guy when John is so tall, dark and handsome?" I said "Because (husband) treats me like I'm the most special lady in the world and that makes him the most appealing man the world to me."

Yes your wife could've jumped in and said something in your case, but so could you, you could have said something along the lines of "Why would she want a used and discarded model when she has an upgrade right here".

 

 

Same with the negative comments you talk about, why didn't you address it at the time it happened? You were the one offended, you should have spoken up instead of allowing this to fester on.

 

 

I don't see it as your wife's job to try and fix this as she wasn't the one offended by this, although it sounds like she agrees with your sentiments, it's ultimately you who was offended, you allowed it to happen. I actually see you as being the conflict avoidant one. People will only treat you the way you allow.

[Exformer]

Exformer, with all due respect, this issue seems pretty minor and should be long buried with the 'agree to disagree' tag attached to it. And if you *must* roll your eyes about something going on, do it internally. No good ever comes from an eye roll.

 

Are there been any current issues which she's avoiding addressing?

 

 

This situation is minor. While my wife chats with her everyday, she's a friend I've seen only three times in my life. Of course, I would like to be able to spend time with my wife while with her friends and their husbands when they all hang out, because I like being a part of my wife's life. Usually I am except when this friend is included (something that took me a while to notice). Now that things went the way they did, separate is probably best option left on the table, even if there were better options to take in the past, and I'd prefer a situation where everyone could be in the same room comfortably without the likelihood of her friend being an a-hole, but maybe that isn't a real option.

 

This is meant as an example of how she approaches/resolves issues in general, and not meant as a single major past event eating at me today. I just used this example from earlier in our relationship because I had already written about it in a past thread.

 

Are there any current issues? Sure, of course. Pick a topic, from family arrangements with the holidays to sex to finances to house or yard upkeep, its mostly guess work on my end and burying it deep on hers.

 

I'm not concerned with the individual issues. I'm concerned with the pattern. The issues are manageable one on one if I compartmentalize, with slight frustration over they way she avoids things each time, but its the repeating aspect of it all that makes one frustration roll into the next and the next.

 

I can take her making a promise for "next time" as a way to resolve an issue and not have it be followed through in one scenario; things happen. Ten situations, with no other form of resolution in a row where promises are made and not followed through? Well, now I have issue with that.

 

Do I think she's actively trying to mislead me? No, I think she's looking for a way to not deal with things in the moment and settling for putting it off to a later date, and then when that later date comes along she repeats the cycle. Cue the frustration.

Thanks for the responses so far. I do truly appreciate your time and effort.

[Exformer]

Given the situations you describe, you were the one that was offended by the suggestion that your partner date her ex, I feel you should have said something at the time.

I have been in that very situation, you shoot them down straight away. My husband's friend said "Why did you choose this short, ugly, fat, balding guy when John is so tall, dark and handsome?" I said "Because (husband) treats me like I'm the most special lady in the world and that makes him the most appealing man the world to me."

Yes your wife could've jumped in and said something in your case, but so could you, you could have said something along the lines of "Why would she want a used and discarded model when she has an upgrade right here".

 

 

Same with the negative comments you talk about, why didn't you address it at the time it happened? You were the one offended, you should have spoken up instead of allowing this to fester on.

 

 

I don't see it as your wife's job to try and fix this as she wasn't the one offended by this, although it sounds like she agrees with your sentiments, it's ultimately you who was offended, you allowed it to happen. I actually see you as being the conflict avoidant one. People will only treat you the way you allow.

 

 

In your situation, his friend was talking bad about him, and you defended your husband. If some one talks badly about my wife, I would defend her too. In my situation, my wife's friend was discrediting my value. Not the same thing.

 

Normally I would have defended myself just fine, and that would be over with. In the given situations, I don't remember what I said the first time around, but the second, I only said something along the lines of, "thankfully she has a better option," and left it alone.

Why did I do this? To give my wife the ability to control the situation herself in a way that could have a better outcome for her relationships with both myself and her friend and future interaction. If I say something, there's likely to be tension between me and her friend. Then it can be awkward in future settings. Close friends, on the other hand, can point out things to other friends, understanding can be reached and everything can still be cool. I can call my friend out for being rude or something and we can still go have beers and move on as friends. Criticism from a friend is not the same as criticism from someone who is not.

 

So the first time, I walked away, talked to my then-girlfriend about the issue, giving her the opportunity to handle her friend instead of me, and she decided she'd prefer to do it if the situation arose again. Out of respect for my then-girlfriend and her preexisting relationships with her friends, I held back the second time, and went about as she said she'd prefer things to be handled, which would have been just fine for me.

 

I have a responsibility to myself but also my wife. A few words exchanged and awkwardness for her after was not worth calling the friend out and defending my value the first time around, nor the second when the understanding was that my wife (gf at the time) would take care of it.

 

That said, time has come and gone to have anything done now about the issue.

 

This wasn't written as a current grievance destroying my relationship, only an example of her conflict resolution style. I chose it as the requested example because I had already written about it on Loveshack a while back.

[Exformer]

I think you're missing one important point. She CAN'T handle this girl. She knows this girl well enough to know she can't change her. Because obviously, that girl is very opinionated and not at all discreet and far too blunt and is probably one of those idiots who thinks it's always right to tell the truth, no matter who it upsets -- and it's the truth according to them.

 

 

The first is probably true. The second, based on what a couple of my wife's friends say, I think it's more about stirring the pot and enjoying the drama vicariously, now that she's married with kids.

 

 

 

But you really shouldn't ask your gf to throw herself in the fire because she'll only get burnt.

 

 

I wouldn't ask or demand this of her. I did step back to give her opportunity to decide if she wanted to be the one to handle her friend if it happened again, which is what she claimed she'd prefer and not the same as requesting the action, and I still think it was the right thing to do on my part, though I now know I shouldn't have taken what my wife said as face value.

 

 

I think avoidance is the best policy here.

 

 

At this point in time, I agree. Whether something could have been done or not back then to have a better outcome, after so much time, it would be ridiculous to bring things back up and try anything else. The outcome I attempted to avoid is very similar to the one that came about anyway, but nothing can be done about that now.

This was an example of my wife's conflict resolution style, not a current issue I'm looking to do something about.

[olivetree]

In what sorts of ways have you worked on your communication?

[Exformer]

In what sorts of ways have you worked on your communication?

 

 

Oh lord...communication was initially the worst. It still isn't where I'd like it to be in a perfect world, but I do get more out of her now.

 

I'm long winded (as you can see). A friend once claimed that I could summarize a 30 minute TV show in just under two hours, and no one has ever refuted claim. My wife is the opposite; the last thing she ever wants to do is talk out an issue. She prefers the hide and seek method. She stays quiet, hoping the issue can't find her.

 

 

So going in, I'd voice my thoughts, and if there was an issue I'd approach it with her. She'd resist in her way. That took a while to really notice, as that way is to basically clam up and then after I've spoken to just voice what she thinks I want to hear. But she'd phrase in a way that avoids any current action, and puts off actions to a later time frame. When I started noticing the promises for later never came true...that's when I started to see the pattern.

We've talked about better communication often. There's usually an aspect of that in most of the moments we talk out issues.

 

I've worked to talk a little less. When I approach an issue I tried to better plan my points so I don't talk out every detailed aspect and overwhelm the situation. I have been much more conscious that I'm not feeding her the response I'd prefer as well, since she's had the habit of just voicing those out loud to move on from the discussion.

 

I leave a lot more room for her thoughts, not continuing my own until she's talked. That can mean asking a question, sometimes even before ever stating own my thoughts, and having a staring contest until she responds. This is very effective at times when she attempts to be "distracted" by something else to change the subject (the dog and her phone are often her go-to sources). I just stare at her and don't respond until she gets back on topic. Interrogation tactics? Maybe, but its better than pointing out she's avoiding the topic, as the conversation turns all about how she's not avoiding a topic...and thus not actually talking about the topic at hand.

 

I've also learned how to package an issue to get best results. "I" statements are good and all, but hypothetically reversing the situation and asking how she would want me to respond works above and beyond better than anything else. She gets so wrapped up in not wanting to deal with stresses, it takes me reversing the situation in a hypothetical for her to empathize at times. Sometimes the answer is different than how I thought, and then we talk about it a bit and come to a better understanding.

 

One method that got a little result is that I suggested she write things down. It's worked a bit i think. Over the years, she's had a handful of half written notes where she wrote about something she approached me on later. It doesn't happen often, but it has happened. This at least has been helpful if she has an issue with me that's gone on long enough she's decided to finally do something.

 

 

I would say that she isn't bad at communication, just as she isn't bad at math (though she claims she's bad at both). Saying she's bad at it is her excuse for not trying it. I've always been instinctively good a debating. There is conscious effort on my part to not completely manipulate the situation, while still guiding things along to get somewhere. I won't lie and say I don't see the path most the time and that's difficult not to do. I know that I'm not going to always be in the right, and that sometimes there isn't just one right way, and not every talk is a debate, but going into it can be hard not to come off that way from a strong position.

 

 

I think she thinks she communicates better now, and positive reinforcement is good. I know I get better results from our talks too, but I have to be actively aware to make sure the conversation doesn't go down certain paths still. For example, I have to keep clear of her resolving an issue by making a promise to me. It's her way of shutting the issue down, and its also sure to result in a promise not kept.

[olivetree]

It sounds like you're doing all of the work, which makes sense given she is conflict avoidant.

You are trying to make changes to how you communicate and suggesting ways that she can communicate better too.

If she is taking those suggestions, at least that is good.

I wonder if you might have better luck with the advice on how to communicate coming from a third party though.

 

You don't sound like you're at the end of your rope, and neither does she, which could be a good time for marriage counselling to improve your relationship.

Have you ever considered that?

I always recommend finding a therapist that works from an Emotionally Focused standpoint - research shows great results there.

[Wallysbears]

This situation is minor. While my wife chats with her everyday, she's a friend I've seen only three times in my life. Of course, I would like to be able to spend time with my wife while with her friends and their husbands when they all hang out, because I like being a part of my wife's life. Usually I am except when this friend is included (something that took me a while to notice). Now that things went the way they did, separate is probably best option left on the table, even if there were better options to take in the past, and I'd prefer a situation where everyone could be in the same room comfortably without the likelihood of her friend being an a-hole, but maybe that isn't a real option.

 

This is meant as an example of how she approaches/resolves issues in general, and not meant as a single major past event eating at me today. I just used this example from earlier in our relationship because I had already written about it in a past thread.

 

Are there any current issues? Sure, of course. Pick a topic, from family arrangements with the holidays to sex to finances to house or yard upkeep, its mostly guess work on my end and burying it deep on hers.

 

I'm not concerned with the individual issues. I'm concerned with the pattern. The issues are manageable one on one if I compartmentalize, with slight frustration over they way she avoids things each time, but its the repeating aspect of it all that makes one frustration roll into the next and the next.

 

I can take her making a promise for "next time" as a way to resolve an issue and not have it be followed through in one scenario; things happen. Ten situations, with no other form of resolution in a row where promises are made and not followed through? Well, now I have issue with that.

 

Do I think she's actively trying to mislead me? No, I think she's looking for a way to not deal with things in the moment and settling for putting it off to a later date, and then when that later date comes along she repeats the cycle. Cue the frustration.

Thanks for the responses so far. I do truly appreciate your time and effort.

 

Ok, I'm going to say this and I don't mean for it to sound harsh.

 

But, you are EXHAUSTING in these posts and honestly, if you talk to your wife this much about mundane things? You may be exhausting you and she's just "yeah,yeah" to get you to shut up. Plus, it is very non-masculine to drone on about stuff like this.

 

Family/holidays? Rotate them.

The yard/house? Let her do what she wants.

 

 

"Couple friend" time with her friends? Ugh. Hang out with your own friends?

 

Honestly, I think my husband would much prefer to NEVER have to hang out with my girlfriends and I (and their husbands also) but the guys tolerate it once in a while because they sort of "have" to.

 

 

Relax. You really need to chill. Maybe she isn't conflict avoidant as much as you are exhausting her with constantly needing to 'talk' about things?

[Exformer]

It sounds like you're doing all of the work, which makes sense given she is conflict avoidant.

You are trying to make changes to how you communicate and suggesting ways that she can communicate better too.

If she is taking those suggestions, at least that is good.

I wonder if you might have better luck with the advice on how to communicate coming from a third party though.

 

You don't sound like you're at the end of your rope, and neither does she, which could be a good time for marriage counselling to improve your relationship.

Have you ever considered that?

I always recommend finding a therapist that works from an Emotionally Focused standpoint - research shows great results there.

 

 

I like to handle things myself. So, that's the first avenue I take, and my inclination is to do the heavy lifting putting in the work. You're right that I'm definitely not at the end of my rope. If this was as big as all that, I'd hardly have gotten married to her in the first place. Mostly just looking for thoughts on other tactics toward better communication.

 

Marriage counseling is nothing I'd shy away from, but would definitely be a chore to get her on board. A third party could be useful, or she could feel attacked. Hard to say.

[Exformer]

Ok, I'm going to say this and I don't mean for it to sound harsh.

 

But, you are EXHAUSTING in these posts and honestly, if you talk to your wife this much about mundane things? You may be exhausting you and she's just "yeah,yeah" to get you to shut up. Plus, it is very non-masculine to drone on about stuff like this.

 

Family/holidays? Rotate them.

The yard/house? Let her do what she wants.

 

 

"Couple friend" time with her friends? Ugh. Hang out with your own friends?

 

Honestly, I think my husband would much prefer to NEVER have to hang out with my girlfriends and I (and their husbands also) but the guys tolerate it once in a while because they sort of "have" to.

 

 

Relax. You really need to chill. Maybe she isn't conflict avoidant as much as you are exhausting her with constantly needing to 'talk' about things?

 

 

Oh, I'm sure I am in this thread, detail is key when you're talking to strangers on the internet. Outside of here, no, not nearly as much. As I said in the beginning, part of this was getting out frustration. Also as I said, the little stuff is just little stuff. The repeating behavior is the issue that's growing.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you don't like spending time with each other's friends, but its good you're mutually in agreement over it so it's not a big issue.

I'm actually pretty chill, this is just years of the same thing building. She's definitely conflict avoidant.

[preraph]

You're probably right about the drama. So avoid her when you can. If there's a time you can't and she says something crazy inappropriate to you and your wife doesn't back her up, then keep a smile on your face and dispute whatever it is yourself.

[Exformer]

You're probably right about the drama. So avoid her when you can. If there's a time you can't and she says something crazy inappropriate to you and your wife doesn't back her up, then keep a smile on your face and dispute whatever it is yourself.

 

 

That's the plan.