Engaged, but doubting...

[weddingdoubts]

Hi, I am engaged, but have really only been with my fiancee for about a year... I am starting to wonder if she might have a 'mean streak' in her and was just looking for some objective advice, thanks!

 

Basically, she seems to do things that are 'spiteful', but I am not sure... I have asked her about them, and this is just the latest example:

 

yesterday, I actually got two tickets - one for parking, and one for traffic (it's a long story on it's own, but it was $500 total!). Anyway, point is I was feeling kinda shocked & bummed when I got home. I told her as we sat on the couch beside each other, and she started 'stretching' her arms out sideways so that one was in front of my face. I said, 'don't', and used my hand to guide (not push or throw) her hand away from my face, and she pushed back and I had to say again, 'don't' ( I should have elaborated, but I was a bit lost in thought/depressed and couldn't understand why she waa doing this to me right then in this situation - kinda like she was just off lost in her own little world and hadn't heard anything I said or had any sympathy or understanding for it)

 

I asked her this morning why she had persisted to keep her hand in front of my face, and she said "I didn't like your tone of voice". I know I should have said please, but it struck me as odd thing for someone to do, and I thought a gentle nudge away and saying 'don't was fairly appropriate, but it always seems to be just about how she feels, and almost to the point where she seems to kinda intentionally push me in a 'mean' way (most people would realise someone is having a hard day and not stick their hand directly in front of their face stretching while they just told them about their hard day).

 

Sometimes, I think she just is 'spiteful' and deliberately 'mean' a bit, but I might just be too 'sensitive', but after I did ask her in the morning, she just ignored me after she said "I didn't like your tone' and left for work without saying a word... I don't generally get 'angry' and purposefully waited until the next morning to ask her why she had persisted in keeping her hand stuck in front of my face after I said not to twice, (as I knew I might be in a somewhat 'foul' mood in a funk that night), so there was no reason for her be so rude again in the morning... I am starting to wonder if she lacks sympathy, or empathy, or simply doesn't care and is kinda 'rude', mean or spiteful (and maybe selfish and inconsiderate)? I don't know - am asking if anyone has any insight before we get married... Thanks!

 

ps. I don't know if this is a factor as well or not, but she never apologises for anything she has ever done wrong - even if she admits it was been wrong, it just seems like she is unwilling to 'let go of control' or the 'upper-hand' and say a simple 'sorry' - like it is a sign of weakness or contempt

[bathtub-row]

She sounds like major trouble and once you get married, everything will escalate. Trust me. You need to give this some deep thought. You’re not being overly sensitive. Even if you were, she should be more respectful. Besides, who does that? Putting an arm in someone’s face? Good grief.

[BaileyB]

Do you have a date set for the wedding... Perhaps, you need a longer engagement to further evaluate this relationship? Proposing after one year is a little fast...

 

Having limited information,mi find myself wondering if she is immature, or mean and spiteful. Either way, you have a few issues to resolve - like how to resolve conflict and speak to each other with respect - before you say "I do."

 

Have you considered pre-marital counselling?

[spiderowl]

What she did was weird and unpleasant. She didn't show you any sympathy and she was doing something irritating to you. What do you actually see in her? Does she have any empathy?

[Kitty Tantrum]

You are under no obligation to ask someone nicely to stop invading your personal space. Your reaction was appropriate.

 

My assessment (based on limited information, granted) is that she is trying to establish the upper hand in your relationship, where you put up with her poor/inconsiderate behavior and never call her on it, or are made out to be in the wrong if you do.

 

There are too many nice girls out there to put up with that. If she's young and just needs some gentle guidance on how to treat others like human beings, there may be hope. If she seems belligerent or set in her ways about it, NEXT.

[spiderowl]

I have a feeling there is more to this than just inconsiderate or mean behaviour. It sounds to me like she is acting completely inappropriately. What she did could very well have elicited a violent reaction from someone else. Invading someone's space like that in such an annoying way, is a risky thing to do.

 

It could be that she is trying to establish dominance over you, as some have suggested. My feeling is that she has some kind of personality disorder and doesn't realise somehow how totally inappropriate her behaviour is. When questioned, she blames you for it. She probably did it on the spur of the moment.

 

Whatever the situation, I cannot imagine being happy with a woman who behaves like that. What will it be next? She crossed boundaries and did not care that she was upsetting you. She is not going to make you happy.

[Mr. Lucky]

ps. I don't know if this is a factor as well or not, but she never apologises for anything she has ever done wrong - even if she admits it was been wrong, it just seems like she is unwilling to 'let go of control' or the 'upper-hand' and say a simple 'sorry' - like it is a sign of weakness or contempt

 

If one were to give her the extreme benefit of doubt and chalk "hands to the face" up to a misunderstanding, what other examples can you give to support the mean-spirited assessment?

 

Agree with BaileyB, even without this issue, moving awfully fast. What's the hurry?

 

Mr. Lucky

[weddingdoubts]

Thanks, everyone… Yes, I know we seem in a hurry - it’s just that we went on holiday together and all seemed fine then Anyway, I am a little worried that she does/might have a little personality disorder, but am not sure which one, or how to even broach the subject and suggest that she see a counsellor or therapist.

 

Regardless, I think others have also hit the nail on the head in that she always does want to do ‘what she wants’, behave how she wishes, and not be called on it - when I do, she always blames me for the situation, or says that I am “exhibiting controlling behaviour”… I sometimes wonder of her last long-term boyfriend did this, and maybe she is extra-sensitive and rebelling against it - even though it is definitely not what I am doing.

[BaileyB]

I am a little worried that she does/might have a little personality disorder, but am not sure which one, or how to even broach the subject and suggest that she see a counsellor or therapist.

 

She always does want to do ‘what she wants’, behave how she wishes, and not be called on it - when I do, she always blames me for the situation, or says that I am “exhibiting controlling behaviour”...

 

Look up the term gaslighting.

 

And, there is no such thing as a "little personailty disorder." You either have a personality disorder, or you don't. Just like you are either pregnant, or you are not.

 

If you suspect that she has a personality disorder, which you are not qualified to diagnose I'm sure you know, I would strongly advise you to reconsider this relationship. It's not a good plan to enter a relationship with an individual who has a mental illness, hoping that it will get better wih time...

[d0nnivain]

Every example of impolite behavior is not indicative of a personality disorder. Let's not jump to conclusions.

 

If she "never" accepts responsibility for anything she does wrong, that is a problem. I couldn't be married to somebody like that.

 

If you haven't even been together for a year yet, but are already engaged, slow everything down. Just be engaged for at least another 6 months before you start planning in earnest & putting down deposits.

[BaileyB]

Every example of impolite behavior is not indicative of a personality disorder. Let's not jump to conclusions.

 

If she "never" accepts responsibility for anything she does wrong, that is a problem. I couldn't be married to somebody like that.

 

If you haven't even been together for a year yet, but are already engaged, slow everything down. Just be engaged for at least another 6 months before you start planning in earnest & putting down deposits.

 

Absolutely, completely agree!

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think you’re rushing into things but you do need to seriously think about what you’re about to do. The bottom line is that her behavior disturbs you and that’s a big, fat red flag. It has ALWAYS been my experience that when I’ve ignored red flags, I ended up fully regretting it - 100% of the time.

[Els]

Getting engaged to someone you haven't even been with for a year is generally a bad idea, IMO. Personally, I have yet to see a good outcome from such a rush - none of the marriages I've seen that started out that quickly ended up well. You definitely want to slow things down and have a long engagement, in this case.

 

 

Re: the hand in the face thing, it does sound immature of her, but it's really difficult to assess someone's overall personality by just hearing about one specific action (unless the action was dishonest or abusive, which it isn't). Are there other things she has done that demonstrate a mean streak?

 

 

Also, how old are both of you?

[weddingdoubts]

Thanks again, everyone... I have talked with her again about it and we both think she might possibly be on the autistic spectrum and are working on it together

 

ps. we're both mid-thirties, so not so much rsh, but not spring-chickens either

[BaileyB]

Thanks again, everyone... I have talked with her again about it and we both think she might possibly be on the autistic spectrum and are working on it together

 

Huh? You are throwing these diagnosis around like terms of endearment. You are not capable of making a diagnosis - if you are concerned, she need to see a doctor.

 

Furthermore, autism is not something you “work on” such that it will improve.

 

But, if I may... I work with individuals who have autism. Absolutely NOTHING you have described about her poor behavior is indicative of a possible diagnosis of autism.

[Gaeta]

OP, you got engaged when you were still in your honeymoon phase, what you're seeing now is her true nature. I don't beleive she suffers from a personality disoder, I think she is controlling, immature and insensitive.

 

 

 

I would hold another year before getting married. Once you get married she will feel 100% in control and her lack of empathy and sensitivity will multiply. She'll feel 'she got you' so why make an effort to be more sensitive.