People Only Want You When You're taken.

[Epythamus]

I guess this is the first post that isn't about me haha!

 

I just want to understand this phenomenon. Why is it that only when you get in a relationship do people start confessing the feelings they have feelings for you? Why didn't they do that before?

 

I see it happening quite often to people and it actually happened to me when i got in my first relationship. A girl even threatened to use witchcraft to put a curse on me (i'm not exaggerating).

[Fair]

People are like monkeys... monkey see, monkey do. Even if you're someone who has no friends, the chances of you gaining any are slim because people will regard you with suspicion... they'll look around and wonder why no one else wants to be friends with you, and stay away.

 

I guess you seem less threatening, warmer, more safe, more able to nurture someone else if you're in a relationship and/or people come sniffing around to see what it was they missed when you were single. Particularly when you get into a brand new relationship, this is the time when you have to watch out for people coming around trying to get in the middle of it. You have to be prepared for that and put up boundaries wherein you're clear that no one outside the relationship is going to be invited in where they can be in a position to pull you apart.

 

This is infuriating. It hasn't happened to me so much as a woman, maybe because when I get into a new relationship I give off clear messages that I'm not open to these kinds of games. However, I am aware that in general I seem more attractive... people are friendlier, etc. etc. Even some women sit up and pay attention as though now I'm worth something because I have a man to prove my value as a human being!

 

The test comes when my boyfriend is confronted by women coming onto him who never paid attention to him before. If he has no character, he's flattered, and next thing you know he's wandering off.... grrrr.

[preraph]

I think it's two or more reasons. I sometimes think people with little confidence in themselves may rely on others to "endorse" someone. I had a young friend who for years seemed only interested in going after men either me or her best friend had interest in. She had some turmoil in her past and I think part of it was trusting our taste in men, but she never seemed to learn how unhappy that made her friends, which is why she has few friends left now. I liken it to people who will only wear designer clothes not because they can afford them but because they think they can't go wrong and use that instead of genuine taste because they just aren't that good with knowing what looks good on them and they also want to elevate themselves.

 

Then there's competition, which I think is mainly a factor for men. I got a LOT more interest during and after a few months' relationship with a guy. When it went wrong, guys I already knew came out of the woodwork and surrounded me keeping me company, in different capacities. I think maybe some of them were on the fence, and this validated for them that I was perhaps palatable (I was scary, wore black, etc.). Others I think were friends who just hated what happened to me. And at least one was just competitive. He'd worked for the same company as the bf and was mad at the company and I think he wanted to do something mean, probably. He and I were friends and I avoided getting hurt by him, but he ended up marrying that bf's second wife, I think just to show him up. Broke up their marriage, got her pregnant. Best thing that ever happened to the bf, really. But a mess while it was happening.

 

I know the guy I call my old flame, a lifelong crush, never came on to me so hard as when he thought I was with a guy one night at a club. It was quite a scene, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I wasn't dating the other guy. I was his boss, but we did dance together and go to clubs some.

 

Some people just like a challenge. My old flame was used to women really throwing themselves at him, so he loved it when one needed to be chased (or so he thought).

[Garcon1986]

And I will add that for other people - it's the good old want what you can't have. Same feeling like if a guy sees a really expensive nice motorcycle he can't afford, or a lady seeing a nice jewelry she wishes her man would buy for her.

[Dodgersfan11]

Well, then how can guys tell if a woman is "taken?" Like I'm talking about out in public-out and about type thing or at social events where some guys don't really know alot about your personal life. Should I wear a fake wedding ring?