Am I justified to feel hurt/upset/jealous...

[TooRational]

... if my girlfriend chooses to go get a massage from a guy far away on the only night we can see each other in 7 days?

 

A bit more details. Been together almost 2 years. We both have split custody of our kids but not on the same schedule. On the week she has hers, I can go see her on Monday and Wednesday nights, and usually do at least once. This past week I was sick so we didn't get a chance to spend intimate time together since last Wednesday. Our next chance was this upcoming Wednesday and I was looking forward to it.

 

So tonight I talked to her and mentioned that I'd see her on Wednesday but she said we won't be able to see each other. She's going to get a massage from this guy she sees from time to time that lives/work like 30 min away. So it takes her whole evening.

 

I'm sad, upset, jealous. A bit of all these feelings. I mean, I do give her massages from time to time which she greatly enjoys and I'm always happy to oblige. I would have gladly jumped at the opportunity to give her a nice massage on Wednesday but instead another guy is gonna get the chance to massage her. And this guy, she admitted, once told her that she has a very beautiful body (which she does). She told me not to worry because he's gay. I trust her 100% and do not worry but I'm jealous that he does get to spend an hour (often more) caressing her body instead of me.

 

It also hurts my feelings that she planned that massage on the only night I could see her this week. Kinda like this is not even a consideration when planning her schedule. She once told me she's not a person that usually misses her loved ones when she's not with them (her own kids, parents, siblings, me) and that doesn't mean she doesn't love me. I need to accept that. But I feel that my needs should be considered too and I do need/want to feel desired and I need to feel that she's actually looking forward to spend time with me.

 

That all being said. Our times together are always fun and usually filled with the best sex we both ever had and lots of fun sporty activities. The problem is really when we're appart.

 

Sorry for the longish post. What do you guys think?

[BaileyB]

Is it possible that this was the only time she had, between work and her kids?

 

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I'm usually pretty respectful of the times that he has something to do on a day that we are available to be together. I expect the same courtesy in return. But, it's hard when you have such limited time. We try really hard to protect the time we have together. I would find this to be inconsiderate.

 

Have you told her how you feel and what was her response?

[basil67]

You talk about him spending an hour or more caressing her body. Ewww. Have you ever had a professional massage? They don't 'caress'. Nor is a professional likely to get excited about the prospect of massaging her. That said, I suspect you're just mad and exaggerating rather than suggesting that they are having unprofessional relationship.

 

Why has she booked in to see him? If it's remedial, do you have the skill set to fix whatever is wrong with her body?

 

 

While I agree that he shouldn't have told her that her body is beautiful, I would like to know the context of the comment before I criticise. Was it an unsolicited comment or is she prone to fishing for reassurance about her physique?

Edited November 20, 2018 by basil67

[doyathinkso]

Is this guy a registered massage therapist (R.M.T.)?

Or is he just a guy with a slick delivery who likes to feel up women?

Either way, I would not be comfortable with her decision. Though well aware of your scheduling difficulties she still went ahead and blew you off.

 

I used to know this couple. He was a carpenter. She was an R.M.T. specializing in reiki, all very professional and on the up and up, until one day she wasn't. Gave in to temptation, gave her first 'happy ending'. Then more and more. Not so very professional after all.

 

He found out. They divorced. So sad for their daughter. So sad.

[TooRational]

Ok, guilty as charged. When I said "caressing" I was upset. I know massages are not like that. Yes he's a registered professional.

 

To answer other questions, it's just a routine massage that she had planned 4 weeks ago, not realizing that it was gonna be a Wednesday, which I learned this morning when we talked.

 

The talk didn't go so well. I had sent her a text last night about the situation. I wanted to keep things positive so instead of telling her that my feelings were hurt, I just told her that I could give her a nice massage instead. I didn't charge much and had a nice garantee. No reply. Only a good night text. That's an issue that comes up often in our relationship, she often doesn't reply to my texts. Sometimes she doesn't see them, sometimes she means to reply later but she forgets but sometimes she doesn't reply on purpose, like last night. She told me she didn't quite undertand my message and didn't know what to reply. She was tired and only wanted to go to bed.

 

So I talked openly about my feelings on the phone but I apparently did a bad job about it and said things that I made her cry. I said that I need to feel desired and I need to feel that she's looking forward to meet me. That made her cry because she couldn't understand how I don't feel these things, when she loves me to death. That was obviously a misstep on my part and my statement was probably too general. I didn't mean to accuse her, but I did.

 

So I tried to save the situation from that point but I felt like I was digging myself into a deeper hole. We came to some kind of understanding. She said she would make an effort to always reply to my texts. She said that when I react like that (to the Wednesday situation), she feels pressure and it's major turn off for her. She doesn't want to feel pressured to need to spend time with me. She doesn't want it to become an obligation. She knows I have anxiety issues and I told her that I overreacted and that I'm working very hard to improve.

 

In the end when things like that come up (which is fairly rare, like 3-4 times in 2 years), I always struggle with two choices. Either I suck it up, not talk about my feelings. But then isn't communication supposed to be the cornerstone of a good relationship? The other option is to talk openly about it. I know that I always "lose attraction points" when I do. She never fails to mention that the kind of pressure it puts on her is pretty much the only one thing that could throw a monkey wrench in an otherwise perfect relationship.

 

It's always a loose-loose situation

 

At this point I'm just hoping that I didn't do too much damage to this relationship. I love her with all my heart and I know she does too but I'm not perfect, I have anxiety bouts.

[Mr. Lucky]

You talk about him spending an hour or more caressing her body. Ewww. Have you ever had a professional massage? They don't 'caress'. Nor is a professional likely to get excited about the prospect of massaging her. That said, I suspect you're just mad and exaggerating rather than suggesting that they are having unprofessional relationship.

 

Agreed. I just had a deep-tissue massage for a neck issue I had while traveling and the physical interactions were anything but caresses.

 

TooRational, you're looking to create a problem where none exists. You both have busy schedules with kids and, beyond that, sometimes life happens with illness and conflicts.

 

This just gives you more time to look forward to the next time you're together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You should have told her you were hurt & jealous.

 

The massage you wanted to give her would have been sensual & romantic. The professional quasi-medical treatment she was getting from a professional was something else altogether & nothing you could duplicate as an amateur. You would be all about turning her on; the therapist was about healing her pain.

 

Apologize for jumping to conclusions & being irrational. Then plan something nice to do together next time you are both free.

[Poutrew]

Hmmm.... she makes sure to tell you how many boyfriend points you are loosing when you act like this, yet doesn't seem to even comprehend how many girlfriend points she is loosing when she blows you off and minimizes your feelings on the same matter - and her saying she 'didn't even understand' your text was just an excuse on her part to not engage further with you on the issue. After all, muffin needs to get her sleep, but makes sure she texted you first... Sounds to me as if she has little to no respect for you. If it were me, I'd end it with her. There are women out there who would never blow you off like this...find one of them and be happy.

[kgcolonel]

TooRational...something that might help you both is to read Love Languages. This will help both of you to talk to each other to learn what the other is seeking in a relationship. Personally, from my perspective, her (either) dislike or inability to "give" you the things you're needing in this relationship may indicate that you're not a great fit.

 

This goes (and I think you know this) beyond the massage issue but that is a great example. She booked this 4 weeks ago "not realizing it was a Wednesday"??? Was it on her calendar? I had a similar situation with my wife now as of yesterday 35 years. She joined a bunco group that meets on Friday nights...that was in my and our therapist's opinion a couples' night, not a singles night. I struggled with this for about a year but since...I have made that night about me....I schedule massages, nights out with the guys etc....

 

This happens in relationships, it's how you manage them that matters.

[TooRational]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Lots of food for thought.

 

 

@Poutrew: Yes, saying she didn't understand was totally an excuse to not engage further on the issue, at least at that moment. She did say she'll make an effort to make sure to reply to my texts from now on. Ending it with her seems like drastic measures. 99% of the relationship is perfect, why ruin it for 1%? No one is perfect. On my end I should have been more clear as say that my feelings were hurt (as d0nnivain said), rather than playing a game a offering a massage myself.

 

 

@kgcolonel: I'm well aware of the love languages and we even both took the test. We both have exact same scores for Physical Touch (9/10) and Quality Time (7/10) but my #1 is Words of Affirmation (hers is at #4) while Acts of Service is her #1 (#4 for me). Since we do spend a fair bit of time apart, Physical Touch and Quality Time are lacking. I would hope for some Words of Affirmation to compensate but she does not tend to say lots of sweet words when we're not together. But when we're spending quality time together, Word of Affirmation are more present.

 

 

So yes, we're not 100% compatible in terms of love languages but I'm not looking for 100% compatibility there. I think we can manage. There are other things that are important to an healthy relationship. Sexual chemistry for example. Our is off the charts. Sharing the same values is also a big one and we're very compatible there. We also both love sports and do lots together. We're quite compatible in many areas of our lives. We just need to work on the little issues that invariably crop up.

 

 

 

I'm very hopeful for the future but we need to figure out how to communicate better. I'm always afraid to share my feelings when something is not quite right because I fear that it will blow out of proportion and it often does.

[TooRational]

One last thing. One hour after our discussion this morning that was very emotional, I sent her a text saying roughly "I owe you a nice long massage this weekend". She called me a bit later referring to that text and reassuring me that she loves me dearly and accepts me as I am. She knows I'm anxious and I'm sure she sensed that I would worry all day about where our relationship stood. That was very sweet of her.

 

 

What's next? How can I mend what I screwed up? I was thinking for paying for her massage on Wednesday in advance, as a surprise. Would that be too much?

[doyathinkso]

1) You did not screw up.

 

2) Paying her would make a fool of yourself. You would be lying on your back and piddling on your stomach.

[basil67]

In the end when things like that come up (which is fairly rare, like 3-4 times in 2 years), I always struggle with two choices. Either I suck it up, not talk about my feelings. But then isn't communication supposed to be the cornerstone of a good relationship?

 

I too suffer from a degree of anxiety when hubby has a life outside of me. However, I can also recognise that I'm being irrational. In cases like this, the first thing I do is remind myself that I'm being irrational, then I suck it up. What good comes of annoying our partners with anxious or irrational concerns? All we do is annoy our partners with something which isn't their problem.

 

Communicate about problems which are actually problems. Don't bother partners with problems which are caused by our own issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

One hour after our discussion this morning that was very emotional, I sent her a text saying roughly "I owe you a nice long massage this weekend". ... I was thinking for paying for her massage on Wednesday in advance, as a surprise. Would that be too much?

 

TooRational, you're trying to do too much. Quit letting your anxiety dictate a need to force everything and just let the relationship happen on its own. You'll both be happier...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TooRational]

Thanks for the wise words everyone. I'll try to just chill and let it go.

 

She suggested that I could still come Wednesday night even though she'll be back late. I'm debating the idea. I'm not quite sure if she genuinely meant it or if she said that out of pity. I prefer to assume good intentions and therefore I might just take her offer. I would love to just be able to cuddle with her in bed after what happened this morning... Otherwise next chance to see each other is Friday, which seems so far away.

[Logo]

Thanks for the wise words everyone. I'll try to just chill and let it go.

 

She suggested that I could still come Wednesday night even though she'll be back late. I'm debating the idea. I'm not quite sure if she genuinely meant it or if she said that out of pity. I prefer to assume good intentions and therefore I might just take her offer. I would love to just be able to cuddle with her in bed after what happened this morning... Otherwise next chance to see each other is Friday, which seems so far away.

 

 

 

 

Word to the wise, don't go. Wait until Friday. I realize that when you're in love a day or two seem like a long time. But I'd wait until Friday. Better a few days without her than losing a few points of respect, and they do add up. Show restraint and discipline.

[doyathinkso]

Don't go crawling back. Cool your jets for at least a couple of weeks. If she asks you "Where you at?" tell her you'd love to see her but something came up and you really don't want to miss it.

"That's okay, right? So I'll try to pencil you in real soon."

 

Let her stew for a bit. It gets your point across.

[TooRational]

Relationships are so hard and complicated sometimes. I want to see her badly. Why do I need to play a game? Not sure yet whether I'll go or not but if I do I'll make it a surprise.

 

I find the suggestion that I should kinda do the same to her childish and immature. Sure I could plan a night out with friends on Friday night, let her assume that we'll meet on Friday night like usual, but tell her two days prior that I had something planned all along. That will teach her Sorry but I fail to see how this would contribute to create a strong and lasting relationship between us.

 

What doesn't help is that verbal communication about her needs and desires are not her forte. Sometimes when I'm trying to figure out whether I should come over a particular night or not, she'll often say things like "You can come if you want" or "I don't mind if you come". I mentionned a few times that these are not very enthusiastic statements and I would prefer something more forward. She'll often reply something like "Of course, you know that I always like it when you come, how could you think otherwise?" When I do show up, it's not rare for her to say "I'm glad you came, I really wanted to see you". Why doesn't she say it like that the first time then???

 

Anyway, in the end I probably won't go tonight. My reasonning being that it was her choice to fill her schedule tonight. She lives 35 min away and I don't quite wanna drive all that distance just for crumbs.

[salparadise]

Don't go crawling back. Cool your jets for at least a couple of weeks. If she asks you "Where you at?" tell her you'd love to see her but something came up and you really don't want to miss it.

"That's okay, right? So I'll try to pencil you in real soon."

 

Let her stew for a bit. It gets your point across.

 

I'm thinking something along these lines, perhaps less overt. The situation is that she's holding way too much of the power in this relationship. She has you chasing for scraps. She realizes that you're anxious, that there is a power imbalance, and that pushing you off makes you feel unappreciated. She's fine with that. In fact, she more than fine with it––while she may enjoy a professional massage, she also enjoys the dynamic it creates (or else she'd reschedule), and doesn't mind at all if it's at your expense, or harmony in the R.

 

The other option is to talk openly about it. I know that I always "lose attraction points" when I do. She never fails to mention that the kind of pressure it puts on her is pretty much the only one thing that could throw a monkey wrench in an otherwise perfect relationship.

 

I am seriously concerned about this part where you said you're not allowed to express your how you feel because you lose "attraction points." This is too literal an expression to overlook. It's like an employer-employee situation where there is both overt and subtle pressure on you to keep her pleased, while she takes for granted that you need the job a lot more than the job needs you. She knows you're not going to quit, no matter what. Knowing that is one thing, but leveraging it is something else. It's really not good to feel powerless. In a good relationship the partners empower each other, and gratitude is expressed in both directions.

 

TooRational, I think you need to shift the dynamic here. It should be a lot closer to fifty-fifty even if not perfectly equal. She is not respecting your vulnerability. It's likely that she has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and that yours is anxious (obviously). It's not an ideal combo, but given that this is what it is I think you both need to be working to close the gap rather than her leveraging for power-control.

 

Here is a book that is often recommended. I haven't read it but I intend to. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

[TooRational]

salparadise, you hit the nail on the head. You read the situation perfectly. I'm well aware about attachment theory and read the book you mentionned. Yes she's somewhat dismissive-avoidant (but to a much lesser degree than my ex). I'm anxious-preoccupied obviously.

 

I know that this is not an ideal situation but I'm really hoping to make it work. I'm not quite sure how, other than working on my anxiety issues. I'm all ears. It's working out well between us most of the time. I would say that there is perhaps one episode of the so-called "anxious-avoidant dance" every two months. With my ex it was every day.

 

I brought up the subject with her early in our relationship. Admitting that I was anxious and that I needed a secure partner to overcome these difficulties. At that point I was convinced she was secure. She acted secure for the first year so she is not a bad case of dismissive-avoidant. She had quite an episode though this summer when her medication was off. You can read more about it here:

 

I tried to explain love attachment theory to her a few times but I don't think I quite suceeded just yet. Asking her to read a book about it would be a bit much. So I've been trying to find a podcast that summarizes anxious-avoidant relationships and more importantly, gives some kind of hints to help the situation. I finally did find such a podcast: https://readysetlove.com/john-howard-podcast-pursuer-distancer/

I'll try to listen to it with her this weekend.

 

I know I need to confront this problem we have about different attachment styles. I don't quite know how In the short term it's much easier to gloss over our differences but I know that it's a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want a disaster, I want to retire and travel the world with this lady in 15-20 years. Buy a house together when our kids are grown up. Etc. We both want that and talk about our future together often.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know that this is not an ideal situation but I'm really hoping to make it work. I'm not quite sure how, other than working on my anxiety issues.

 

Here's the challenge - you're asking her to change who she is. And one only has to read your threads regarding the issues you've had in changing your orientation to see how difficult that is.

 

It's often said in many relationships there's a gardener and a flower. I'd guess you've been fitted for overalls since birth and that's been a part of every relationship you've been in.

 

So two choices here -

 

- either move closer to her end of the spectrum and find some way to be happy with that.

 

- find a partner whose priorities more closely align with your own.

 

Your present course of trying to "fix" her is a waste of time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

<SNIP>

 

So yes, we're not 100% compatible in terms of love languages but I'm not looking for 100% compatibility there. <SNIP>

 

 

I really wanted to simply note that the idea for Love Languages is not to judge compatibility but to learn what matters most to your partner and to be able to choose to give that to your partner. It wouldn't matter if you have "no" matches as long as you and she understand what the other needs and wants and choose to provide that. If one chooses not to provide those things that are most important, "as the saying goes, they're just not that into you". I am not saying that is the case here but it is key to a relationship to know what is paramount to your partner.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TooRational]

@kgcolonel: Understood. Although having the same love languages would be easier, I think that it's perfectly possible to have a great relationship by speaking your partner's preferred love languages.

 

 

@Mr. Lucky: You raise a good point. Trying to change your partner rarely works. However, I don't believe that people can't change. People can adapt and change on their own but probably less likely when being pressured to do so. They have to genuinely want to change in order to improve the relationship. I might be way off base but that's the hope I'm clinging to for now.

 

 

How do you explain the tons of self-help books and couples therapy services otherwise? It has to work for some people, no? Then again, tons of people use homeopathy even though there's zero proof of effectiveness. So usage by some people is not a proof of its effectiveness

 

 

 

Ok, so I just torpedoed my argument but still, I'm clinging to my hope that if we both get a bit closer to a "secure" attachment style, we can make this work. I think that it's possible. I think that I made some progress over the last two years. Let me hope.

[TooRational]

Update: I'm going to play pool with my cousin Friday night. We have been talking about it for a while and I suggested we go this week. I don't see it as "getting back" at my gf at all but I need to take a step back. To be honest I'm somewhat turned off by the whole thing. I need to regain some kind of control in this relationship as some of you said. Ironic as she texted me around lunch saying that she's really looking forward to her massage this weekend. It's relatively rare that she says that she's looking forward to spending time with me (I know she is even though she doesn't voice it). I would usually be all giddy getting that kind of text but now I'm like, meh.

 

 

A boys night out will be good for my cousin (his gf is currently fighting cancer) and good for me as well. I hope I'm making the right decision. Obviously I'm anxious about it. I'm risking turning off my gf further while she's currently really looking forward to our time together this weekend.

[doyathinkso]

Hey listen to that ..... I think I hear the sound of your testicles descending.