It’s just a vent - because I am going insane

[vla1120]

I am trying to do the right thing by staying involved so he is not completely alone in his fight with cancer. I have to constantly set boundaries and remind him of them. As long as I stay calm and stand my ground, it seems to be working. He tests the boundaries constantly, but I push right back. Today, it started with the fact that I did not order a cake for my birthday. That’s right. I am being criticized because I did not order a cake for MY birthday. I told him “It is customary for someone else to order the birthday cake, especially for someone like me, who doesn’t CARE that it is my birthday. If you wanted a cake, you should have ordered one.” His answer was that he doesn’t know how because this is America, not Greece. I would imagine it’s done the same damn way, doll.

 

Then, he asked me last week to order a new battery for his phone and install it. I still have his Amazon acct info, so I ordered it for him. When he got the confirmation email, he flipped out. “I don’t know any of your accounts, why did you access mine?” I said “Umm. I don’t ask YOU to order stuff for me. From now on, order your own stuff. You KNOW I have your acct info. That’s how I have been ordering your stuff for you at YOUR request!” I told him to change his password. I’ll be happy not to know any of his info if it means he will stop asking me to do things for him. Cancer clinic billing issues? I take care of it. “$18k per month chemo med billing issues? I take care of it. Arranging for him to spend Thanksgiving with his only son on what will probably be his last Thanksgiving? I took care of that, too. Accompanying him to Thanksgiving dinner with his son (who hasn’t spoken to me since I left his father) and daughter-in-law’s family, including his son’s mother - my husband’s first ex-wife? Yeah. That would be me. This guy is an anti-social, narcissistic pain in the a$$.

 

The icing on the cake? This conversation:

 

Me: You know, I remember a few years ago when you were texting Olga (ex-sister in-law) every day with little hearts and sweet nothings and when I got jealous, you said “I have to keep the lines of communication open with her in case I need her to do something for me in Greece.” Am I now the equivalent of Olga? You just try to stay in contact with me because you are a user and need me for the things I do for you, like health insurance and errands?

 

Him: No. I am just a nice person who tries to be kind to people.

 

Me: What? No. I am a kind person who is staying in contact against my better judgment because I don’t think anyone should have to go through cancer alone!

 

He drives me absolutely insane. I know he doesn’t even like me as a person (he’s made that no secret, because I don’t adhere to his expectations) but he is willing to play this ridiculous game so as not to be alone.

 

Then there is the guilt associated with wondering how long this will go on. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that he said he son wants to talk to me about moving him up near them - about 6 hrs away from here. I’ll happily pay for the moving truck!

[Lanmat]

idk your situation

 

But what he expect from you seems a bit too much

 

Are you still together?

 

Id just tell him you are there for emotional support not as an administrative assistant or house maid.

 

Even with cancer he should not be expecting that much from you and when things are not like he wants he can find some else to do it for him.

He should not complain about it.

 

 

Seems like your relationship had a dynamic where things like that was the norm

[anika99]

Sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar years ago when someone in my life was dying of cancer. He was very demanding and abusive but I hung in there because I knew he didn't have long and I wanted to be able to live without feeling guilty once it was all over.

 

Sorry I dont' have much in the way of helpful advice. Just know that it's okay for you to take care of yourself and set boundaries. Keep doing that and vent here as much as you need to.

[FMW]

Staying married so he can have the insurance coverage was probably the right thing to do, I would have done the same.

 

But beyond that? I think you need to try really hard to bring an end to the level of involvement you still have with him. If he's alone without you, then it's his own doing. If he was a good guy he would have relationships with others who could be there for him. That he doesn't, says a lot.

 

He broke your marriage vows, you are no longer bound by them. He'll figure out how to get things done on his own when you stop doing them for him. He won't have a choice.

 

I know it's easy for me to say, but I hope you'll consider enforcing some distance between the two of you.