Cheating when you're in love

[Inlovenotinlove]

A bit of a debate here but me and my partner discussed cheating. I personally have never cheated on any of my exes and suprisingly to the norm... im male haha (not all men are alike). My partner is female and has cheated before, it bothered me as it goes againsy everything i believe in but ive learned to let it go. She admitted doing it once when she was 22 and said she had fallen out of love with him, they ended 2 days later...

 

Anyway, she said 'i could never cheat on someone i love'. Now my question is do people really cheat if they are truly in love? I understand people have affairs or one night stands all the time but its never personally been a thing for me. I personally couldn't cheat even if i knew the relationship was coming to an end as id still feel something for the person id spent these past few years with.

 

A friend of mine does admit to cheating yet loves his partner. I said 'if youre purposely doing that then to me, no, you dont Love your girlfriend'. Whats everyones thoughts as i thought it would be good to get a percentage type thread here. Could you cheat on someone you where in love with?

[d0nnivain]

Some people just can't handle monogamy. I think others cheat when they don't feel love from their partner. It's no justification but it is an explanation.

 

 

In your GFs situation I think she just put the cart before the horse. Since she ended her relationship 2 days after cheating, I suspect the relationship was already over & this was just the final nail in the coffin.

[kendahke]

I tend not to believe that someone who loves another can still cheat on them. Your friend may love what his mate provides in the relationship, but he doesn't love her; he certainly does not respect her because if he did, he wouldn't willfully engage in behavior he knows will destroy her upon discovery---and that's something you don't do to someone you claim you love, so sorry. No. I mean, does he think what he's doing is fair to her? Is he honoring her with his deceit everytime he looks in her face and lies? I can tell you how it felt when I looked at my ex after I found out about his cheating--like I was driven down into the earth's mantle.

 

If she was cheating on him, would he take the same "no harm no foul" attitude? I'll wager the answer would be a resounding "not no, but hell no"

 

As for your girlfriend, you need to reexamine being with someone whose past grates on you because it's never going to change and you'll have to live with that quietly and contentedly with her if you choose to remain with her. Can you do that? If not, then cut her loose and find someone who hasn't cheated in her past.

Edited November 20, 2018 by kendahke

[carhill]

OP, a couple of things to define for yourself and your GF...

 

What is cheating?

 

What is in love?

 

Billions of people, billions of definitions. In your relationship, all that matters are those of you and your GF in the here and now. How they mesh or not, how compatible you are.

 

The rest is fodder for college papers

[Kelliousme]

No. If you truly love someone your partner, you wouldn't cheat on them. Unless under odd circumstances, such as someone spiking your drink and you just wake up next to a naked person without knowing what the hell happened.

 

I mean how can you say you love someone if you know that cheating on them will hurt them?

 

I know of a friend who was and still is a serial monogamist. But she also cheated while she was just dating "one" guy. She claims to be in love with them but will cheat on them after losing feelings for them. I doubt she loved any of those men. She loved herself the most.

[RecentChange]

I disagree with others.

 

I have cheated, and I loved him, still love him.

 

Now... everyone is different, but I will give you a few insights as to how it was possible for me.

 

For me - there is compartmentalization, and a separation between emotional connections and casual sex.

 

First, for me, love / emotion is way more precious than sex (which is different than "love making") - sex, for me, can very much just be sex. It doesn't mean I care about someone, want to spend my life with them, respect them - no, it means that they are physically attractive and sex feels great.

 

So - there is the start of compartmentalization. Casual sex in one box, and in another box emotion / love / sex and love making.

 

If a guy gets a handy at the end of a massage, does that mean he fell out of love with his wife?

 

Affairs that involve emotions (besides ego stroking - but actual care for the AP), exchanges of "I love yous" etc - those, I don't know how someone can have one of those and still be in love with their spouse, but I think it could happen if someone is mixed up enough.

 

For me, when I was cheating, I was very guarded, kept my emotions out of it. Didn't allow myself to have any feelings for the OM, because somehow, in my mind at the time - that was way worse - FEELING for someone, oh, that is not something I could do while loving someone else.

 

But some self gratifying, ego boosting sex - yep, that is something I was able to engage in while my heart belonged to another.

[Gaeta]

Anyway, she said 'i could never cheat on someone i love'.

All it means is that she has no self-control. Being faithful has nothing to do with love, it has everything to do with self-control and integrity - whether you're in love or not. When you want to have sex with other people and you are in a monogamous relationship you end it...then you go have your fun. It's the minimal respect you can have for the other human being in a relationship with you.

[Highndry]

I disagree with others.

 

I have cheated, and I loved him, still love him.

 

Now... everyone is different, but I will give you a few insights as to how it was possible for me.

 

For me - there is compartmentalization, and a separation between emotional connections and casual sex.

 

First, for me, love / emotion is way more precious than sex (which is different than "love making") - sex, for me, can very much just be sex. It doesn't mean I care about someone, want to spend my life with them, respect them - no, it means that they are physically attractive and sex feels great.

 

So - there is the start of compartmentalization. Casual sex in one box, and in another box emotion / love / sex and love making.

 

If a guy gets a handy at the end of a massage, does that mean he fell out of love with his wife?

 

Affairs that involve emotions (besides ego stroking - but actual care for the AP), exchanges of "I love yous" etc - those, I don't know how someone can have one of those and still be in love with their spouse, but I think it could happen if someone is mixed up enough.

 

For me, when I was cheating, I was very guarded, kept my emotions out of it. Didn't allow myself to have any feelings for the OM, because somehow, in my mind at the time - that was way worse - FEELING for someone, oh, that is not something I could do while loving someone else.

 

But some self gratifying, ego boosting sex - yep, that is something I was able to engage in while my heart belonged to another.

 

 

It's not surprising that you're also the one who says sex on the first date is fine, and that's what you did with your husband - presumably the guy you cheated on and hurt. Yes, HURT.

 

Ladies - this is EXACTLY why you should not sleep with a man on the first date if you want a long term relationship, because they assume this is the kind of woman they're getting - one who could end up in another man's bed without a second thought.

 

Sorry, RecentChange, I'm just being honest here. It's a character and impulsivity issue.

[elaine567]

She admitted doing it once when she was 22 and said she had fallen out of love with him, they ended 2 days later...

 

Anyway, she said 'i could never cheat on someone i love'.

 

 

I wonder if the poor bloke knew she had fallen out of love with him, before he was dumped...

[RecentChange]

It's not surprising that you're also the one who says sex on the first date is fine, and that's what you did with your husband - presumably the guy you cheated on and hurt. Yes, HURT.

 

Ladies - this is EXACTLY why you should not sleep with a man on the first date if you want a long term relationship, because they assume this is the kind of woman they're getting - one who could end up in another man's bed without a second thought.

 

Sorry, RecentChange, I'm just being honest here. It's a character and impulsivity issue.

 

Its fine - I am not hurt by strangers on the internet.

 

My husband cheated 5 years before I did. Perhaps women should be wary of, and reject men who attempt to sleep with them on the first date.

 

Sure, its an impulsive trait, but its also one having to do with ones views of sex and love.

 

Perhaps that is why we are still married, still very much together and in love, despite the fact both of us have had an instance of cheating in our 18 years together.

 

For us, we understand that sex does not equal love, and that people have flaws and weaknesses. Understanding those, working through those have made us stronger individuals and a stronger couple.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now my question is do people really cheat if they are truly in love?

 

Perhaps cheaters only truly love themselves. It takes an exaggerated sense of entitlement and the willingness to break many boundaries for a few moments of validation. To me, doesn't seem that great of a bargain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Malin889]

Perhaps cheaters only truly love themselves. It takes an exaggerated sense of entitlement and the willingness to break many boundaries for a few moments of validation. To me, doesn't seem that great of a bargain...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree- cheaters only love themselves and are very selfish... in my opinion. The answer is, no you cannot be in love with another and cheat on them, that just doesn’t work.

[Logo]

 

For me - there is compartmentalization, and a separation between emotional connections and casual sex.

 

 

In my opinion if you can compartmentalize then you're rationalizing, then you have no respect for your relationship. That's my opinion. I'm not judging, just stating my opinion as clearly as I can.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Logo

[edgygirl]

I've cheated once on a guy I really loved. Only time I did it in my life. I was in my early 20s and it was my longest relationship and I'm not sure why I did it, I guess I started to get bored and it was only a few kisses and so insignificant I thought it was unimportant.

 

But he found my journals and read about it and was so hurt it started to ruin our relationship...

 

I regret it to this day. He was probably the love of my life but I was childishly started to think there must be a greener grass somewhere.

 

We ended up breaking up later, coming back... he kinda proposed a few years later... but it didn't work out. I think he might always be my most important partner. Even more than the guy I actually married.

 

So... yes... people can cheat on someone they love.

[lucky-girl]

There are so many different reasons why people cheat. Of course people can cheat on the person they love. Loving someone doesn't make you perfect and solve all your problems.

There is a difference between being "in love" with someone and loving them. Cheating much less likely during the "in love" stage when you're still in lust with them etc, but not impossible.

 

No point asking people who have cheated whether or not other people can cheat on the person they love. They don't know why or how other people cheat, only how to judge.

 

If you have a strong motivation to cheat it's not that hard to justify if you're sure the loved one will never find out, and therefore won't hurt them. Not saying it's okay to do, just saying it's not like 'cheaters' don't care if they hurt their partner. People hurt loved ones all the time - a harsh word, forgetting their birthday, a thoughtless comment, etc etc - doesn't mean they don't love them; just means they aren't perfect - i.e. human.

[grays]

Perhaps that is why we are still married, still very much together and in love, despite the fact both of us have had an instance of cheating in our 18 years together.

 

For us, we understand that sex does not equal love, and that people have flaws and weaknesses. Understanding those, working through those have made us stronger individuals and a stronger couple.

 

I think this sounds like a strong, deep, committed love with a lot of empathy for each other. I don’t want to be cheated on and I don’t want to cheat, but life is complicated and I don’t want to make any rules that require me to leave the one I love in response to some wrong-doing and I hope my life partner would be able to listen and empathize with me even if he’s scared and hurting. I also understand that too much hurt can kill love and I hope that I never cause someone I love that kind of hurt.

 

I was married for 25 years and cheated at around 8 years in. I unexpectedly ran into someone I had dated as a teen and hadn’t seen in many years. He walked me home and we sat on my porch talking for a while and then both ended up in tears talking about two friends that we both loved who died. We ended up with our arms around each other and kissed. I never felt like that made me a horrible person and I never felt that it had anything to do with my love for my then husband. It was something outside of that and unrelated. I felt very close to my friend at that moment and felt like that was an important and significant evening in my life. I don’t regret it. I should have told my ex, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I believe he would have tried to understand why I did it and managed to keep loving me through it. I definitely loved him deeply before, during, and after.

[DKT3]

I think this sounds like a strong, deep, committed love with a lot of empathy for each other. I don’t want to be cheated on and I don’t want to cheat, but life is complicated and I don’t want to make any rules that require me to leave the one I love in response to some wrong-doing and I hope my life partner would be able to listen and empathize with me even if he’s scared and hurting. I also understand that too much hurt can kill love and I hope that I never cause someone I love that kind of hurt.

 

I was married for 25 years and cheated at around 8 years in. I unexpectedly ran into someone I had dated as a teen and hadn’t seen in many years. He walked me home and we sat on my porch talking for a while and then both ended up in tears talking about two friends that we both loved who died. We ended up with our arms around each other and kissed. I never felt like that made me a horrible person and I never felt that it had anything to do with my love for my then husband. It was something outside of that and unrelated. I felt very close to my friend at that moment and felt like that was an important and significant evening in my life. I don’t regret it. I should have told my ex, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I believe he would have tried to understand why I did it and managed to keep loving me through it. I definitely loved him deeply before, during, and after.

 

Complications come from knowing what's right and still wanting to do wrong.

 

Love and cheating doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. Love doesn't prevent cheating, respect does that.