Married but feel attracted to another man who is clearly not good for me

[Muse18]

Hi everyone

 

I am married for a while now and my husband is absolutely perfect and I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But from time to time I get attracted to other men and I don't know what my problem is. What I have with my husband is what most people are searching for, so why is this not enough for me?

 

 

 

The latest event and reason I am now writing this down is this:

 

I met a man and he was clearly interested in me and started to talk to me. We talked and went to an afterparty and had a few drinks and danced (close...no space between us). At first I didn't tell him that I was married but I was wearing my rings. Later during a conversation with a colleague of mine she mentioned that I am married. He seemed supprised and she told me that he asked her again later that night if I am really married. During this night I talked to other people and also he started to talk to a colleague of mine and got quiet close to her what really bothered me. But we started dancing again and then seperated again. On and off.

 

We where both really drunk and he started to tell me how beautiful my eyes are and what beautiful babys we could have. At the end of the night he left and we huged eachother and he whispered into my ear "in another life".

 

 

 

I was really attraced to him and so I felt the need to get in touch with him again. We didn't exchange numbers so I looked him up on Instagram and wrote him that I really enjoyed that night. He replied that he did as well and hopes to see me again some time soon. After that I started to think about how I could see him again. I ended up with a plan that would both be not to devoted for him and feasible for my husband. As he lives in another country this was on the one hand good as we would defenilty not meet anybody I know and on the other hand it makes everything more complicated.

 

 

 

So I elaborated my plan to see him again 3 weeks later. I told him that I would be in his town to get something done and if he would be interested to meet up for a drink. He replied he would be happy to meet.

 

 

 

The time until we met again I was spending my nights having conversations with him in my mind and dreaming about how it would be to see him again. Would he still like me or not. Do we even have something in comon or would it be akward and terrible? I decided that I would just go there and try to have a good time and just see what happens. I mean I don't have pressure to find a relationsship or somehting.

 

 

 

We met in a bar and from the first minute on it was so easy to talk to him. We talked about all the world and his brother until 2 in the morning and every bar we went to was closing and kicking us out. We where both again really drunk, some touches here and there but nothing crazy. In the last bar we talked about movies and I told him that I hadn't seen a classic movie that he loves so we decided to go to his home and watch it. There we sad on the couch and both fell a sleep for some minutes. At the end of the movie I woke up and we where holding hands with my head on his shoulder. He leaned over to me and kissed me. I was just lieing there and we kissed and kissed. I was still so drunk I couldn't even enjoy it. At one point I started to realise that this would lead to something else if I wouldn't stop it. So I told him that I had to go. He said "you are very welcome to stay but its probably better if you go now. Than you can say nothing happend". So we stand up and he came closer and we started to kiss again. I was shaking so badly. Again I said I go now.

 

 

 

He was really sweet and walked me home. On the way home he asked me why I wanted to meet him. I was still shaking and couldn't even talk properly. I said I was curious who he is. He said "Just curiosity? Hmm". I am not sure if he was disappointed or what he was thinking. I told him that this would have been so much easier if the evening would have been a disaster and we came to the point where we said that it is probably better if we don't see eachother again. At my door we kissed again before he left.

 

 

 

The next day I wrote him a text to say thank you for walking me home. He said that he really enjoyed the night. I said that no matter if it will be a bad or a good idea I really hope that we will see us again. He said "I agree". Then we texted the next days as long as I was in his twon but he didn't asked me if we shall meet again. He worked every evening from where he was texting me as well.

 

 

 

Now I am back home and haven't heard from him since 2 days. I want to see him again so badly and am making plans for when we can meet again but the problem is that it will take a few months. I would also love to stay in touch with him. Write from time to time. Tell him that I am watching the series that he recommended but I feel its better if he texts me first again. I don't think that we are at a state where we can casually text eachother these things like "Hey what are you doing? Have you seen this funny video? etc".

 

 

 

To explain the dilemma a little more: he is a musician and travels the world. I am sure that he has a lot of affairs, meets a lot of women wherever he is. I fear that he will probably forget about me pretty soon. There are two options: either he finds it interesting that he can't have me and tries to chase me or the opposite, that he gets so many women easily that he don't want to put that much effort in something that is hopeless and gets distracted very soon. Or he simply doesn't find me that attractive or interesting. I have no idea where I am with him. I defentily want to try to see him again in a few months.

 

 

 

And the most complicted thing is of course my husband. These secrets are too much for my nervs and everytime I fear that he guesses something I want to finish this all and never write or see this other guy again. But when everything is ok again I just can think of this other guy. I really have no clue why this perfect husband I have is simply not enough and I can be happy and satisfied. I clearly know that this other guy is not good for me. Eventhough we have a connection and it makes so much fun to talk with him, this will lead to nothing and I could never be with him in a relationship even if I was free. I could never trust him that he wouldn't betray me. And who am I to ask for something like this when I am not honest myself.

 

 

 

I really hoped that this could be something like meeting a few times a year and have a good time (no sex, just talking and maybe a kiss here and there) but I don't know if I will be able to do this without ruining my nervs. I really wish I can. And that he is up for something like this.

 

 

 

I am really excited to hear your thoughts on this. Should I keep staying in touch with him and try to see him again or just let it be? Anybody experienced something similar and has some advice? What do you think goes on on his mind?

[S2B]

You need to let your husband you've been having an affair. Ask him if it's a good idea that you see your OM again.

 

The disrespect for your husband is amazing!

[Art_Critic]

He is grooming you to use you for sex... stop it....

[Exformer]

Let's get real about a few things:

 

You're husband isn't perfect, as no one is.

 

Just because you find yourself attracted to someone, doesn't mean that you aren't attracted or devoted to your partner. Models don't become less hot because you're married. But if you pursue someone else you're attracted to, then you are not devoted to your partner.

 

Just because you're attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you've lost self control, and are incapable of making good decisions. You can be attracted to someone and not do anything about it. Cheating takes clear effort. In your case, arranging a plan to visit this other guy.

 

You both didn't go to his place to watch a movie. You used the movie as an excuse to get to his place.

 

"Nothing happened" means something happened. In your case, you arranged a visit, and dinner with someone who was not your husband, then found an excuse to go to his place to see what happened next and then made out with him.

 

You're already rationalizing further cheating by putting "limitations" on how much you'll cheat. Much like the limitations you put on the last visit, where you were just going to spend time with him, but ended up making out. You won't have sex with the other guy, but you'll totally make out with a guy who isn't your husband. Next, you'll sleep together, but you'll get drunk first so you can blame it on that.

 

In short, you want to cheat on your husband with this other guy. It's exciting, so much so, you were shaking as it was happening. I get it, you enjoy the attention and the rush. Maybe you don't feel that "new" feeling with your husband anymore...or every.

 

Time to consider the person you married. What do you really think of him? How much do you really care about him, his feelings, his trust, his worth?

Based on your actions and plans for the future, you're showing you don't think much of him at all, no matter what you say. Actions speak louder than words.

If you love him, why would you crush him and value just for a little excitement?

If you don't love him enough to care if you do this to him, why be married to him at all?

Be with your husband you love, or divorce the husband you don't, and then date freely.

[olivetree]

Marriage doesn't prevent you from being attracted to other people, but you are making the rest happen.

You are cheating on your husband, emotionally and physically.

You should see a therapist and figure out what is broken inside of you.

 

If your husband ever found out, know that you will be responsible for the greatest pain he has ever known.

[Exformer]

He is grooming you to use you for sex... stop it....

 

 

Forget him, she's grooming herself for sex.

 

 

She's taking baby steps to work her way there and making plans on her own.

She claims her ultimate goal would to not have sex with the other guy but meet up to just kiss...surely she doesn't even believe her own writing. But...sure, every guy's dream is a mistress to cuddle with.

 

 

First it was just a visit to see him...that worked up to to his place for a make out session. Next is with the intention to kiss more...which will lead to more drinking so she can rationalize having sex...and so it goes.

 

 

This dude is just along for the free ride.

[IndigoNight]

He is grooming you to use you for sex... stop it....

 

He isn't married, she is.

 

He didn't arrange to go to her city, she went to his.

 

His comment "in another life" was acknowledging that he thought nothing was going to happen between them. She sought him out on Instagram, because he didn't even exchange phone numbers with her.

 

She is the one making the effort to pursue him to get to know him, and potentially more. She is already planning for when she can arrange to see him again in a few months.

 

The ONLY thing he is doing is taking her up on what she is willingly offering him.

 

She needs to cut off contact, at least until she isn't married, and going to selfishly destroy her husband because she wants to sleep with the other guy.

 

So, who is grooming who here?

[IndigoNight]

OP, you're cheating on your husband. Stop trying to minimize and justify what you're doing. At least respect your "perfect" husband enough to divorce him before you destroy his trust, respect, love, and uproot his life because of your selfish desires. You have lousy boundaries when it comes to being around the other man.

 

I would be shocked if the OM respected you one iota. You are proving to him that being a devoted and faithful partner means NOTHING to you! Let him go, then you can go play with your new friend, until he dumps you because you have proven to him that you border on desperation (hunting him down on Instagram) and cannot be trusted.

[stillafool]

He is grooming you to use you for sex... stop it....

 

He's grooming her? Me thinks it is the other way around, you know the way MM groom OW? Same here.

 

Yes you do need to tell your husband that you went to see and kissed another man.

[Amethyst68]

Instead of trying to get permission from strangers on the internet to continue your affair why don't you just ask your husband to open your marriage? Despite all you say you obviously want more than your husband, he deserves the same opportunities to have relationships outside the marriage.

 

BTW you obviously don't have much respect for your husband to carry on like that in front of your colleagues. Do they know your husband? I can only imagine the gossip behind your back (if not directly to your face).

[Wallysbears]

Hi everyone

 

I am married for a while now and my husband is absolutely perfect and I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But from time to time I get attracted to other men and I don't know what my problem is. What I have with my husband is what most people are searching for, so why is this not enough for me?

 

 

 

The latest event and reason I am now writing this down is this:

 

I met a man and he was clearly interested in me and started to talk to me. We talked and went to an afterparty and had a few drinks and danced (close...no space between us). At first I didn't tell him that I was married but I was wearing my rings. Later during a conversation with a colleague of mine she mentioned that I am married. He seemed supprised and she told me that he asked her again later that night if I am really married. During this night I talked to other people and also he started to talk to a colleague of mine and got quiet close to her what really bothered me. But we started dancing again and then seperated again. On and off.

 

We where both really drunk and he started to tell me how beautiful my eyes are and what beautiful babys we could have. At the end of the night he left and we huged eachother and he whispered into my ear "in another life".

 

 

 

I was really attraced to him and so I felt the need to get in touch with him again. We didn't exchange numbers so I looked him up on Instagram and wrote him that I really enjoyed that night. He replied that he did as well and hopes to see me again some time soon. After that I started to think about how I could see him again. I ended up with a plan that would both be not to devoted for him and feasible for my husband. As he lives in another country this was on the one hand good as we would defenilty not meet anybody I know and on the other hand it makes everything more complicated.

 

 

 

So I elaborated my plan to see him again 3 weeks later. I told him that I would be in his town to get something done and if he would be interested to meet up for a drink. He replied he would be happy to meet.

 

 

 

The time until we met again I was spending my nights having conversations with him in my mind and dreaming about how it would be to see him again. Would he still like me or not. Do we even have something in comon or would it be akward and terrible? I decided that I would just go there and try to have a good time and just see what happens. I mean I don't have pressure to find a relationsship or somehting.

 

 

 

We met in a bar and from the first minute on it was so easy to talk to him. We talked about all the world and his brother until 2 in the morning and every bar we went to was closing and kicking us out. We where both again really drunk, some touches here and there but nothing crazy. In the last bar we talked about movies and I told him that I hadn't seen a classic movie that he loves so we decided to go to his home and watch it. There we sad on the couch and both fell a sleep for some minutes. At the end of the movie I woke up and we where holding hands with my head on his shoulder. He leaned over to me and kissed me. I was just lieing there and we kissed and kissed. I was still so drunk I couldn't even enjoy it. At one point I started to realise that this would lead to something else if I wouldn't stop it. So I told him that I had to go. He said "you are very welcome to stay but its probably better if you go now. Than you can say nothing happend". So we stand up and he came closer and we started to kiss again. I was shaking so badly. Again I said I go now.

 

 

 

He was really sweet and walked me home. On the way home he asked me why I wanted to meet him. I was still shaking and couldn't even talk properly. I said I was curious who he is. He said "Just curiosity? Hmm". I am not sure if he was disappointed or what he was thinking. I told him that this would have been so much easier if the evening would have been a disaster and we came to the point where we said that it is probably better if we don't see eachother again. At my door we kissed again before he left.

 

 

 

The next day I wrote him a text to say thank you for walking me home. He said that he really enjoyed the night. I said that no matter if it will be a bad or a good idea I really hope that we will see us again. He said "I agree". Then we texted the next days as long as I was in his twon but he didn't asked me if we shall meet again. He worked every evening from where he was texting me as well.

 

 

 

Now I am back home and haven't heard from him since 2 days. I want to see him again so badly and am making plans for when we can meet again but the problem is that it will take a few months. I would also love to stay in touch with him. Write from time to time. Tell him that I am watching the series that he recommended but I feel its better if he texts me first again. I don't think that we are at a state where we can casually text eachother these things like "Hey what are you doing? Have you seen this funny video? etc".

 

 

 

To explain the dilemma a little more: he is a musician and travels the world. I am sure that he has a lot of affairs, meets a lot of women wherever he is. I fear that he will probably forget about me pretty soon. There are two options: either he finds it interesting that he can't have me and tries to chase me or the opposite, that he gets so many women easily that he don't want to put that much effort in something that is hopeless and gets distracted very soon. Or he simply doesn't find me that attractive or interesting. I have no idea where I am with him. I defentily want to try to see him again in a few months.

 

 

 

And the most complicted thing is of course my husband. These secrets are too much for my nervs and everytime I fear that he guesses something I want to finish this all and never write or see this other guy again. But when everything is ok again I just can think of this other guy. I really have no clue why this perfect husband I have is simply not enough and I can be happy and satisfied. I clearly know that this other guy is not good for me. Eventhough we have a connection and it makes so much fun to talk with him, this will lead to nothing and I could never be with him in a relationship even if I was free. I could never trust him that he wouldn't betray me. And who am I to ask for something like this when I am not honest myself.

 

 

 

I really hoped that this could be something like meeting a few times a year and have a good time (no sex, just talking and maybe a kiss here and there) but I don't know if I will be able to do this without ruining my nervs. I really wish I can. And that he is up for something like this.

 

 

 

I am really excited to hear your thoughts on this. Should I keep staying in touch with him and try to see him again or just let it be? Anybody experienced something similar and has some advice? What do you think goes on on his mind?

 

You should see a therapist to figure out why you would go against your wedding vows.

 

It is one thing to find someone attractive (you're married, not dead)...it is an entirely OTHER thing to ACT on it which is what you have done. Repeatedly.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been married, OP? How old are you?

 

You're cheating on your husband, so let's just come out and say it. And you want to continue. You need to get at the bottom of why, and forget about trying to get away with this affair. It more than likely will come back and bite you - hard. You will slip up, your husband will sense your nerves and go digging, a colleague with loose lips will tell someone about your behaviour that night you met this guy and it will make it back to your husband...the point is, this isn't likely to stay a secret forever. And then reality will kick you in the teeth.

 

Take a hard look at your marriage. How are things really going? Are you bored? Lonely? Have you cheated before?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am really excited to hear your thoughts on this. Should I keep staying in touch with him and try to see him again or just let it be? Anybody experienced something similar and has some advice? What do you think goes on on his mind?

 

Somewhat ironic in that he comes across as more respectful of marriage and as having better boundaries than you do. Most guys would have jumped your bones when given the obvious chance.

 

Muse18, you might be the single worst candidate for marriage I've ever seen on this forum, seeming clueless when it comes to fidelity, respect for your spouse and/or honesty. I have no idea why you'd want to be married....

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

We where both really drunk and he started to tell me how beautiful my eyes are and what beautiful babys we could have. At the end of the night he left and we huged eachother and he whispered into my ear "in another life".

 

Gross! A man that I do not know says this to me and I would run, not walk, all the way home to my husband.

 

First things first, you have a problem with alcohol.

 

But more importantly, just because you have an attraction to someone does not mean that you should act on it. The fact that you have, clearly indicates that you do not love your husband. And, what's really concerning - you have no remorse. You are trying to find a plan in which this could actually work! Tell your husband about your affair so that he can divorce you and find someone who loves him.

[joeline]

First thing: ignore the crappy judgmental comments here. Second: I hope you read this because I’ve been there. Major difference between us though was I am in a sad marriage and have been ignored for so long it’s normal to me now. I stay for my kids (they are adopted and the only family they know is this one) and financial stability. (He makes 4x my salary.) we’ve been living in separate rooms for 9 months and haven’t had sex in 2.5 years

I was starved for attention. I met another guy. We chatted by text and phone. He wrote me everyday with “good morning sunshine” “hey love” “can’t wait to get to see you” “loved talking with you” - you get the picture. He laid it on thick and I ate it up.

I will cut to the chase. I visited him and we slept together. It was the best sex I ever had. I’d only been with my husband and even when things were great in the beginning, it was never fireworks and swinging from the chandelier type sex. This was. And it was so eye opening for me because I always wondered what the big deal was about sex.

Anyway, when I left to go home he said he could wait to see me again. I thought this would be the beginning of something awesome and guess what? he ghosted. I heard from him a week later and he simply wrote, “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” He then blocked me with no explanation.

Stay in your marriage if it’s a good one and work on it. Don’t get hurt like I did. This was so painful to write but I want to be a cautionary tale. There were no red flags with this guy. You just never know- but you know your marriage. Do everything possible to save it if there’s still love.

[Mr. Lucky]

Don’t get hurt like I did. This was so painful to write but I want to be a cautionary tale. There were no red flags with this guy. You just never know- but you know your marriage. Do everything possible to save it if there’s still love.

 

So your regret is that you didn't pick a better partner to cheat with?

 

Mr. Lucky

[YoungCandy]

I am a guy but I was in your position when I was in the early years of my marriage. I made the mistake and was later got caught. Then, my wife went on her revenge a few years later. I hope my story won't happen to you as it changed my marriage forever. Basically, you have a few options to choose from and you will have to decide what's the best for you:

 

- stop talking to the guy and cut it loose. This would be the "right" thing to do but I think if you could do this, you wouldn't be in this forum asking the question;

 

- continue to date the guy and keep your husband in the dark. If you're going to do this you need to be very determined and diligent about it. You will be able to lie a lot with a straight face. And you should prepare to get hurt when this guy finally leaves you to look for greener grass. You really need to know what you're doing. I have a female colleague who have been able to do this successfully. It has been her lifestyle and her husband doesn't know a thing. They have been happily together for more than 10 years;

 

- continue to date the guy but trying to keep it mild and contained. Just leave it be and hope maybe one day the guy gets bored and end this with you altogether. This is, however playing with fire and you know A LOT can go wrong when you remain indecisive. If you're caught the damage could be irreversible;

 

- continue to date the guy but tell you husband about it. Be open, sincere and ask for understanding. Depends what kind of person he is, this might or might not be your safest option. In my case, my wife said she would have felt a lot better had I told her about the affair before she found out. It will still stir up all the emotion but you can show that you're at least trying to be honest. This is what I would do if I were given the chance to do it again;

 

Affection and attraction are not to be bounded by marriage. Affairs exist for a reason and you don't need to be in a bad marriage to have one. This is what make us human and we do make mistakes. But at the same time, I think the sooner you can deal with it the better. Your marriage is relatively new. If you come clean now with your husband he might be more forgiving.

Edited November 28, 2018 by YoungCandy

[joeline]

So your regret is that you didn't pick a better partner to cheat with?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The point of putting my story out there was to let the OP know that the grass is not greener and not to get seduced by the excitement because it is not worth it. And to work on her marriage and do the right thing so she doesn’t end up like me me.

 

But if judging my actions makes you feel like a better person, you go ahead and do just that, buddy.

 

Peace.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if judging my actions makes you feel like a better person, you go ahead and do just that, buddy.

 

Ah, the old "judgment" defense. When you stay in a loveless marriage, cheat on that husband and are remorseful only because your AP ghosted you, you won't get a lot of support in a marriage forum. Can't help but wonder why you don't think you deserve better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[smi11ie]

How would you feel if your husband was doing the same?

 

 

 

You think this stuff is exciting but just wait until you are caught. Even if you get away with it the guilt will come later and you will feel like a fraud. If you want to be single so you can see other people then get divorced. Don't be a liar and a cheat.

[joeline]

Ah, the old "judgment" defense. When you stay in a loveless marriage, cheat on that husband and are remorseful only because your AP ghosted you, you won't get a lot of support in a marriage forum. Can't help but wonder why you don't think you deserve better...

 

Mr. Lucky[/quote

 

These forums are for support. How does your comment to me help the OP? My motives or what you interpret as my reason for remorse is not relevant to the OPs struggle so i don’t understand why you would even care to focus on it.

 

If the OP is still reading these posts Or if anyone out there is struggling in their marriage, i would like you to know that I support you without judgement. Life is tough, poor decisions are made. These forums are to help one another through it.

 

Peace

[FMW]

OP, there's a 99.9% chance this will only end in heartache and misery for everyone involved. Having a little extra on the side is NOT the answer and will open up new areas of unhappiness you can't even imagine.

[Mr. Lucky]

These forums are for support. How does your comment to me help the OP? My motives or what you interpret as my reason for remorse is not relevant to the OPs struggle so i don’t understand why you would even care to focus on it.

 

joeline, here's what you wrote:

 

Don’t get hurt like I did.

 

I commented on your post for this simple reason - just like the OP and many other cheaters, your focus is on you, not on your marriage. It's that selfish orientation that enables infidelity in the first place.

 

Don't confuse support with agreement...

 

Mr. Lucky