Women: Never tell men they are great and they will find a great girl someday

[EthanBlack]

I can't recall the number of times female acquaintances or female friends and even an ex or two have told me this.

 

Usually, it's one of two things:

 

1. They genuinely mean it.

 

OR

 

2. They don't want to tell you the truth of your faults and it's a way of changing the topic of conversation or an "escape route".

 

Whatever the reason, just don't tell men that. Let me tell you how it feels when you tell men this:

 

Chances are, he's worked hard at "improving himself" as society likes to tell men to do. He's also made efforts to "put himself out there" and flirt with women and get better at being charming and making connections with women. But for whatever reason, things just haven't worked out yet. Whether he's being rejected outright by women he's interested in or they go on a few dates and things don't work out.

 

All the while, he's seeing guys around him, guys who are no better than he is, having all this success. Everywhere he goes, he's sick of being always the lone guy showing up. He feels a deep sense of shame and he wonders if there's something seriously wrong with him. He attempts to examine his flaws but he finds that he doesn't really have any serious flaws and what's more, a lot of guys he knows who DO have success with women, they're the ones who have serious flaws.

 

So if I'm such a great guy and I'm such a good catch, why aren't things happening for me?

 

I don't care if you genuinely mean it. Because chances are, even if you genuinely do mean it, it's not the whole truth. Cause if he really was such a great guy and a good catch, why are you not with him? Why are you instead dating your loser boyfriend who has done all sorts of stupid **** or has some nasty flaws? Or if you're single, why are you still pining away for some imaginary guy when you've got this supposedly great guy in front of you?

 

If you dig deeper, you'll find that he's not so great. Maybe you're not attracted to him physically. Maybe something about his personality. Whatever it is, maybe tell him these things. If you're a real friend and you care bout him, maybe tell him the truth.

 

I find a lot of women, they do genuinely like their guy friends, but because they like them, it makes them not want to tell them the truth at risk of hurting their feelings or losing the friendship.

 

Yes part of you probably does mean it but another part of you probably fears to lose his friendship and not wanting to hurt his feelings. But the thing is, your compliments are actually damaging him and hurting him. Probably more so than if you just told him what his flaws are.

 

Maybe he wears clothes that doesn't flatter him. Maybe he should get a new haircut. Maybe he needs to get himself into shape. Or maybe he needs to develop a better sense of humour and take things less seriously and be more self-amusing? I don't know. He's got flaws. HE definitely does. If he didn't and he really is a great guy, then why aren't YOU with him? Also, why would you assume other women would be into him if you're not? What makes you know that other women wouldn't find those same flaws of his just as unbecoming?

[WomenWubber]

When they say great, they mean on paper. They don't know you and obviously they don't consider you 'good' for them.

 

A good question, though, would be why they feel compelled to tell you that. You don't go around asking women why you're still single, do you?

[preraph]

Well, unfortunately for you, you can't control what women say to you when they don't want to be with you. It's not like they're making a promise they have to live up to! They're simply rejecting you in the nicest possible way and trying to leave you hope that you will find someone, just not them. I guess you'd be much happier if they just ghosted you or told you you're crap in bed or are hideous looking or have an obnoxious personality, but most men and women would rather be told they're fine but just not a good match.

[Gretchen12]

I've never told a guy that, and I never will. This why: 1. If he is just an acquaintance, I'd be out of line to say that, and frankly, I don't care enough to comment on his dating life. 2. He can't be a friend because I wouldn't get along with such a guy.

I think you are either talking about a particular girl who turned you down, or you are surrounded by gossipping women that constantly offer unsolicited advice. But please, don't generalize to all women just based on your immediate circle. Could this be one of your flaws?

[ja123]

I've told men they're great and I mean it.

 

More fool me?

 

They tend to move on.

 

I was told my esthetician (who a happening chick) and she said she never tells her husband that he's great 'cause it'll go to his head and he'll think he has her.

 

Frankly, I don't understand all the game playing.

 

Why can't people just be honest?

[Blanco]

I was told my esthetician (who a happening chick) and she said she never tells her husband that he's great 'cause it'll go to his head and he'll think he has her.

 

Frankly, I don't understand all the game playing.

 

Why can't people just be honest?

 

Joke will be on her when he eventually seeks validation outside of their marriage.

[Nilfiry]

Hmm, like, if only relationships functioned more logically....

 

At the end of the day, it does not change anything regardless of whether you say it or not because it will all result in the same feeling of rejection.

 

Most people are incapable of rationalizing their emotions: you either like someone or you do not--there is no logical reason for it. Even if you genuinely think--nay--know that someone is great does not mean that you will be attracted to him or her. People are attracted to those that are toxic to them all the time.

[carhill]

Can't recall ever hearing this OP, and that's with many female friends, some girlfriends and being married. Guess you're lucky, on some level anyway, that they care enough to project something positive into your future.

[basil67]

Ethan, how many woman have told you this? And what prompted them to say it?

[EthanBlack]

Can't recall ever hearing this OP, and that's with many female friends, some girlfriends and being married. Guess you're lucky, on some level anyway, that they care enough to project something positive into your future.

 

You must get decent pussy then. Cause if your female friends have nothing good to say about you, then it means you're not a nice guy and you must be getting what you want.

 

When girls are attracted to a guy, they have nothing nice or good to say about them. In fact, they often complain about their flaws. This is why you hear so often women complain about their boyfriends/husbands and makes you wonder why the hell she's with a loser like him?

 

But for a guy she's not attracted to but only likes as a friend, she has nothing but praise for him all the while going home to her d-bag husband/boyfriend and servicing him blowjobs.

[basil67]

You must get decent pussy then. Cause if your female friends have nothing good to say about you, then it means you're not a nice guy and you must be getting what you want.

 

Ethan, men who've got their act together don't need their female friends to tell them how great they are. Those guys are self secure and the topic wouldn't even come up.

 

If women are telling you that you're great, it's because they see you as needing reassurance. If you stop needing reassurance, they'll stop giving it.

[elaine567]

When we(gen) know someone very well like close friends, family and partners, we can criticise them, we are allowed to moan about them, we still love them though, and if anyone else dares to chime in on the condemnation, we will defend our loved ones to the hilt...

With acquaintances, colleagues and people we don't know that well, we tend to be far more polite and cautious..

 

 

Some women can be very critical of their partners, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is a dbag, she isn't attracted to him or that she does not love him...

[carhill]

You must get decent pussy then. Cause if your female friends have nothing good to say about you, then it means you're not a nice guy and you must be getting what you want.

IDK, I was a virgin until my mid 30's. Female friends were plenty caring but just never commented on the great girl someday thing. Never really saw women as pussy, perhaps to my detriment.

 

When girls are attracted to a guy, they have nothing nice or good to say about them. In fact, they often complain about their flaws. This is why you hear so often women complain about their boyfriends/husbands and makes you wonder why the hell she's with a loser like him?

Yeah, some are that way, I've got one right now who can be downright mean when she's on the bottle, even her H told her that.

 

But for a guy she's not attracted to but only likes as a friend, she has nothing but praise for him all the while going home to her d-bag husband/boyfriend and servicing him blowjobs.

I saw it more as mixed bag, some did the emotional tampon thing not all though and some were equally generous with praise and tough love.

 

I have had male friends tell me I'll make someone a good wife someday.... I'm getting kinda old, hope it happens soon.

 

Bottom line is IMO take life less seriously. Yeah I get the whole failure with women thing, lived it for years. It passes.

[spiderowl]

It's possible for a guy to be a really great person and physically attractive but just not a match. What if he is an early riser or veggie, or he is into sports and you are not? There could be all sorts of reasons why someone is not a match that are nothing to do with a person's attractiveness to the opposite sex.

[EthanBlack]

 

Some women can be very critical of their partners, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is a dbag, she isn't attracted to him or that she does not love him...

 

Yah all very well and good. I never said women didn't have the right to choose to be with men who they're attracted to. I'm just saying. When it comes to men who are just platonic friends/acquaintances, don't tell them how great they are when in fact, you'd never sleep with them and actually deep down don't think they're that great.

 

Just becuase YOU personally don't do this doesn't mean other women don't.

 

 

IDK, I was a virgin until my mid 30's. Female friends were plenty caring but just never commented on the great girl someday thing. Never really saw women as pussy, perhaps to my detriment.

 

Yeah, some are that way, I've got one right now who can be downright mean when she's on the bottle, even her H told her that.

 

I saw it more as mixed bag, some did the emotional tampon thing not all though and some were equally generous with praise and tough love.

 

I have had male friends tell me I'll make someone a good wife someday.... I'm getting kinda old, hope it happens soon.

 

Bottom line is IMO take life less seriously. Yeah I get the whole failure with women thing, lived it for years. It passes.

 

When I flirt with women in a suggestively sexual way, I get far better responses. This isn't my natural inclination. My natural inclination is to be a "gentlemen" because of my upbringing.

 

But women want to be "sexualized." They want men to be flirty with them and be suggestive. But not overbearingly so.

 

Flirting with a woman won't get her into your bed that night but could get her into your bed in the future. Cause she knows you're now you're interested and that you're not intimidated by her. But you're also giving her room to get to know you and see if she likes you.And that's really how guys get laid. It's like a dance. It's a fragile dance.

 

The guys who suck with girls (myself included) are the ones who bought into the whole thing about women being victims and how victimized they are and how much they need our help.

 

Here's my problem with that. The entire millenial generation was brought up to be white knights, all the while, they saw the bad boys getting laid.

 

If women really wanted to be treated like a lady, then why is it that the "gentlement" and "white knights" never go home with the lady?

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[EthanBlack]

It's possible for a guy to be a really great person and physically attractive but just not a match. What if he is an early riser or veggie, or he is into sports and you are not? There could be all sorts of reasons why someone is not a match that are nothing to do with a person's attractiveness to the opposite sex.

 

Uh..ok....meanwhile she's banging the guy who works at home depot, has two kids from another marriage, no career ambitions, drinks alcohol at night, does drugs, and treats her like ****.

 

The good guy who has a good job, is kind to others, has a good faamily and friends is busy courting you and you're just using him as a meal ticket.

[basil67]

The problem with us guys who don't see women as sexual beings is that we're always gonna be treated like the emotional tampon.

 

When I flirt with women in a suggestively sexual way, I get far better responses. This isn't my natural inclination. My natural inclination is to be a "gentlemen" because of my upbringing.

 

But women want to be "sexualized." They want men to be flirty with them and be suggestive. But not overbearingly so.

 

Hang on?! All this time you've been posting, you've known that the problem is that you choose to not make a woman feel desired. Why are you wasting time complaining instead of changing your approach Yes, you may not want to change your approach and this is your prerogative....but don't go complaining if you know the answer and won't adjust.

 

You're absolutely right that women need to feel desired as part of attraction. If you don't see me as a sexual being, then I won't see you as one either. It's not rocket science.

 

And for what it's worth, a man can absolutely be a gentleman and make a woman feel desired. He simply has to not maul her or say/do things which make her uncomfortable.

[Garcon1986]

Well old chap, there's only a couple of solutions here. You mention that you've tried doing some mildly suggestive flirting with women, and got a good response. That's good, that means you've got some good responses. A few weeks back you said you were dating.

 

1. Women can't change the behavior of other women any more than you can. Saying you'll find a nice lady is the nicest way they could think of to reject you. In the bible belt the default is to reject Asian men, much more so than in California. I still try to stay cheery about it. Only hunks, soldiers, Southern gentlemen who ride horses, and buff law enforcement guys are fair game here. I'm excluded but I still try to create my own social circles.

 

2. We can't change the entire female gender's approach to dating for our advantage. I don't like the way certain American accents sound (like those with vocal fry or the South Beach/ Hispanic/ American English accent). I just choose to live with it.

 

3. Certain women like to chase bad boys in an effort to subconsciously tame a wild horse. There is a certain attractiveness to an alpha female in doing this. Of course many times it goes wrong, but the bottom line is these women aren't breaking up with their men and picking Asian men instead. We've just got to live with it. It's not going to change any faster than Jupiter's red spot is going to go away.

 

Your choice to keep this up, or take the athlete's approach to dating. When you get back into a full time job, consider a dating coach maybe? Then you can get some feedback. You've told us many times you get rejected and are not certain why. It may be expensive but at least it's something.

[outwithpeterpan]

Just pay attention to actions and not words.

 

If your best efforts to find a girlfriend are completely futile, you must not be a catch. That's literally the definition of a catch.

 

If you want to know how good at golf you are, do you walk around polling people? Or do you just keep score?

 

This is gonna sound harsh OP, but you've got to learn how to listen.

 

You come on here and post sweeping judgmental diatribes, about The World According To Ethan, about how great you are and how worthless other people are, about this kind of person is X and that kind of person is Y. About all the people who should be with you, about all the people who shouldn't be with someone else, etc etc.

 

Meanwhile many of your peers are... you know... actually out in the world, figuring out where they stand, figuring out how to adapt and improve, and pairing up.

 

Stop listening to yourself, and start listening to everyone else.

[elaine567]

Yah all very well and good. I never said women didn't have the right to choose to be with men who they're attracted to. I'm just saying. When it comes to men who are just platonic friends/acquaintances, don't tell them how great they are when in fact, you'd never sleep with them and actually deep down don't think they're that great.

OK, but men who are platonic friends or acquaintances are usually platonic for a reason and that is because mutual attraction is somehow lacking, or for some reason the men do not meet the criteria of bf/husband material of the women in question. I guess you also have platonic friends you are not attracted to, too. Do you not think they are great? If one asked

you why she was unsuccessful with dating would you be brutally honest and potentially hurt her to the core or would you tell her she was a great girl and try to emphasise her plus points?

 

So of course your friends think you are "great", they are your friend after all, we tend to think our friends are great, but sleeping with you and turning you into a bf is still out of the question.

[Garcon1986]

The harsh reality of dating is no man is entitled to sex (unless of course you like escorts and prostitutes). One adapts to the game or one never dates. That's it.

[preraph]

^ You'd think this would be a no-brainer, wouldn't you? And on the flip side, no woman is entitled to sex either. Plenty of women get big crushes on guys they can never have too. I think it's even more painful for them because it's more emotional idealizing than just physical desire.

[snowboy91]

When I flirt with women in a suggestively sexual way, I get far better responses. This isn't my natural inclination. My natural inclination is to be a "gentlemen" because of my upbringing.

 

But women want to be "sexualized." They want men to be flirty with them and be suggestive. But not overbearingly so.

 

Hang on?! All this time you've been posting, you've known that the problem is that you choose to not make a woman feel desired. Why are you wasting time complaining instead of changing your approach Yes, you may not want to change your approach and this is your prerogative....but don't go complaining if you know the answer and won't adjust.

 

You're absolutely right that women need to feel desired as part of attraction. If you don't see me as a sexual being, then I won't see you as one either. It's not rocket science.

 

And for what it's worth, a man can absolutely be a gentleman and make a woman feel desired. He simply has to not maul her or say/do things which make her uncomfortable.

Spot on Basil, especially the bit in bold. It is absolutely possible for a guy to be a "gentleman" and also flirty. To me, being a "gentleman" is being respectful of the person and showing kindness. Being "flirty" is being fun and showing interest. It is possible to do both - whenever I meet someone new, respect always comes first but I always know when I can add a little flirting if I'm interested and available to that person (most of the time I don't, since I'm usually in a relationship - but I end up making new friends out of it!)

 

If you know what's working, start experimenting with it. Try being a bit suggestive. Don't be afraid to mess it up completely - there are always more chances with different people.

[ZA Dater]

Uh..ok....meanwhile she's banging the guy who works at home depot, has two kids from another marriage, no career ambitions, drinks alcohol at night, does drugs, and treats her like ****.

 

The good guy who has a good job, is kind to others, has a good faamily and friends is busy courting you and you're just using him as a meal ticket.

 

 

 

Here is where I am inclined to agree with you but we are both wrong about this.

 

 

It is what you make of it. Do you feel good being the apparently better guy? I do because mostly I know I am a better guy than ABC's BF, so I take some consolation in that. The fact she chooses who she does, who I am to judge apart from the fact I know she can do a lot better.

 

 

You need to stop looking at "those guys" as having what you don't but rather look at what you have that they don't.

 

 

Ultimately you need to take the positive out of each situation. Is it really so bad to have friends?

[d0nnivain]

You must get decent pussy then. Cause if your female friends have nothing good to say about you, then it means you're not a nice guy and you must be getting what you want.

 

When girls are attracted to a guy, they have nothing nice or good to say about them. In fact, they often complain about their flaws. This is why you hear so often women complain about their boyfriends/husbands and makes you wonder why the hell she's with a loser like him?

 

But for a guy she's not attracted to but only likes as a friend, she has nothing but praise for him all the while going home to her d-bag husband/boyfriend and servicing him blowjobs.

 

While you may have a lot of good qualities the above epitomizes why you can't find a woman to date.

 

You have no balance. You call us by vulgar names for body parts. You think women owe you. You have this huge black cloud when you are angry & blame the whole world for your shortcomings.

 

Women respect confident man. Some people mistake that for the classic uncaring "bad boy" but it's more then that. You talk about being a gentleman & a white knight but that's not it either. In that mode I suspect you are more of an unattractive obsequious doormat.

 

What you need to learn to do is lead with your good qualities, jettison all the misplaced anger & balance confidence with good manners. It's OK to be forceful & have opinions as long as you are respectful. Stop calling women pussies or thinking about us that way -- about how much sex you can get. Consider companionship. Does she make you laugh? Does she hold your interest on an intellectual level? There is so much more to a good relationship then the bedroom.

 

The world doesn't hate you because you are not white. Your lack of success is directly related to the hostility you project & the racist chip on your shoulder.