Women: Never tell men they are great and they will find a great girl someday

[Mike800]

You may be great, you may be awesome, but you were not right FOR THEM.

 

Yeah it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you nor does it mean the person said no because they thought you weren’t attractive or interesting enough.

 

Turning friendship to a relationship is a very tricky thing and a lot of times we don’t want to lose our friends if the relationship goes wrong which a lot do

[Mysterio]

When a woman is into me, its when I don't care to flirt with her, if it happens.

[EthanBlack]

You can debate us all you want, but in the meantime, women are passing over you and I for other men. You are right that I am a non-entity in dating, but is this going to get you a caring, loving girlfriend any faster, if you keep this up? Again I can continue this debate, but the bottom line is you haven't earned yourself a relationship yet by debating us.

 

Yeah and you have? I saw your other thread about getting two girls' numbers. Good for you on that. I commend you for your effort. I've been there before. I've made huge efforts and gotten some success but ultimately no relationship.

 

What makes you keep getting up and trying?

 

You may be great, you may be awesome, but you were not right FOR THEM.

 

Usually it means she's not attracted to you physically. Everything else is pretty much right. I've had girls I was interested in where everything matched. Our lifestyles, careers, interests, cultural background, views on life. But she wasn't attracted to me sexually cause I wasn't her type physically.

 

Guys do this too, perhaps even more so. So I'm not saying this is WRONG. But yeah, it's something out of your control.

 

I mean, I keep in shape and I have good hairstyle and dress in clothes that suit me. I can't control the fact that I'm short and that I'm Asian. That's two things I can't change physically. I can only do so much to work with what I have and I've already done that.

 

But physical attraction is an instantaneous thing. All those little things I've done to maximize my looks won't work if you're just not her type.

 

Maybe she likes tall, dark, Indian guys. Maybe she likes only tall, buff white guys with beards. And she'll chose to be with guys that fit that profile even if they have jack **** in common.

[elaine567]

Uh..ok....meanwhile she's banging the guy who works at home depot, has two kids from another marriage, no career ambitions, drinks alcohol at night, does drugs, and treats her like ****.

 

The good guy who has a good job, is kind to others, has a good faamily and friends is busy courting you and you're just using him as a meal ticket.

 

Maybe she likes tall, dark, Indian guys. Maybe she likes only tall, buff white guys with beards. And she'll chose to be with guys that fit that profile even if they have jack **** in common.

 

It is usually not as black and white as that.

 

.

[somanymistakes]

It's a patronising thing to say. But women are just desperately trying to find a way to be nice.

 

Not just because they don't want to "lose your friendship"

 

Women are socially trained to be nice rather than honest. They're also, these days, repeatedly warned that rejecting a man may lead to him becoming violent.

 

Is it any wonder that they try super hard to be nice?

[EthanBlack]

Look I am as guilty as him at doing that but I have my own reasons for it, my absolutely uselessness as flirting being one but I cannot see why he cant extract some positive to brighten up this huge negative cloud he seems to have found himself in.

 

You just answered your own question. When you have no good experiences to reference from, how do you remove that dark cloud?

 

It's because he's blaming the things he can't change rather than changing the things he can. He feels like a victim...and victimhood can be a terrible burden.

 

What can I change? I've taken bigger risks and done some pretty cool things with my life. More so than your average guy. Yet no girl recognizes it.

[Garcon1986]

My motivation is my determination. I'm doing better in allowing women to be comfortable around me and not just rejecting me right away. I feel a winning shot coming because I've had a string of little successes.

[elaine567]

What can I change? I've taken bigger risks and done some pretty cool things with my life. More so than your average guy. Yet no girl recognizes it.

 

 

How do these things you have done benefit HER?

[Garcon1986]

I've had two excellent long term relationships over the past three years, and they deteriorated due to hidden incompatibilities. The next one just might be awesome. I've learned literally ~200 things about relationships and how I react in a woman's world, so I'm that much more prepared for the next one.

[Mike800]

It's a patronising thing to say. But women are just desperately trying to find a way to be nice.

 

Not just because they don't want to "lose your friendship"

 

Women are socially trained to be nice rather than honest. They're also, these days, repeatedly warned that rejecting a man may lead to him becoming violent.

 

Is it any wonder that they try super hard to be nice?

 

Sometimes and sometimes it really is for things like not wanting to ruin a friendship.

 

If a women rejects you it doesn’t have to mean it’s because she thinks your ugly or a piece of garbage.

[EthanBlack]

How do these things you have done benefit HER?

 

What abilities/skills does a guy need to have then? Ability to cook well? Make good money? Own a home? Be kind and generous?

 

I have all of the above except for cooking well part. I can cook but not well. But all things above can be used against a guy who is unattractive.

 

Kind and generous to others? Oh, he's a nice guy and people pleaser.

Good career and financial foundation? Oh he's a workaholic and he's selfish and only cares about money. Not to mention he's boring cause he spends so much time at work.

 

Whereas a good looking attractive guy will have his positive attributes magnified and his faults overlooked.

 

I was told before by multiple men AND women that pursuing one's passions is attractive and make you more attractive to others. But again, it's being used against me in this case. Women like yourself have somehow made pursuing one's passions into a character fault when in fact, it's one of the TOP dating advices for guys out there.

 

Can't win.

 

 

If a women rejects you it doesn’t have to mean it’s because she thinks your ugly or a piece of garbage.

 

Actually it does. Think of it from your perspective. If a girl is interested in you but you're not interested in her, it's most likely cause you're not attracted to her physically. Whether it's her body shape, face, etc. Very rarely is it cause of some sorta personality thing because you don't know her yet. If a pretty girl was interested in you, you'd sure as hell give her a chance and date her and get to know her.

[basil67]

What can I change? I've taken bigger risks and done some pretty cool things with my life. More so than your average guy. Yet no girl recognizes it.

 

You said earlier that you had better luck when approaching a woman as a sexual being. Your observations are absolutely right - while she may not want to be mauled on the first date, if she feels desired by you, she's more likely to desire you back. All the achievements in the world mean nothing if she doesn't feel desired by you.

[ZA Dater]

You said earlier that you had better luck when approaching a woman as a sexual being. Your observations are absolutely right - while she may not want to be mauled on the first date, if she feels desired by you, she's more likely to desire you back. All the achievements in the world mean nothing if she doesn't feel desired by you.

 

 

 

Well the question remains if he has been doing that why then no dates?

 

 

I find the above pretty much at odds with the apparently good guy persona he gives us on here. But then again who am I talk based on my own pathetic record. In my mind to desire her you make her feel special and you be a good guy but again what do I know.

[basil67]

Well the question remains if he has been doing that why then no dates?

 

 

I find the above pretty much at odds with the apparently good guy persona he gives us on here. But then again who am I talk based on my own pathetic record. In my mind to desire her you make her feel special and you be a good guy but again what do I know.

 

From what I understand, he only dabbled in making a woman feel sexy. He saw positive results but pulled back because he's been raised to not react to women in that way.

 

I'm not getting a 'good guy' persona from Ethan at all.

[elaine567]

I was told before by multiple men AND women that pursuing one's passions is attractive and make you more attractive to others. But again, it's being used against me in this case. Women like yourself have somehow made pursuing one's passions into a character fault when in fact, it's one of the TOP dating advices for guys out there.

 

Can't win.

 

 

I did not say pursing passions was a character fault but merely asked what does you pursuing your passions bring to her party?

If not a lot, then she is not going to be that impressed is she?

 

YOU :"I am a member of a big hiking club we go on great hikes every weekend all over the country, we also organise dinners and other events for charity."

 

Girl one: That sounds great, I love hiking and fundraising for charities - excellent.

Girl two: Boring... I hate the great outdoors, surely you don't mean every week end...

 

 

If you are finding your accomplishments and cool things you have done are not being recognised by women in general, then you need to start looking at it from their perspective and not just yours.

[EthanBlack]

From what I understand, he only dabbled in making a woman feel sexy. He saw positive results but pulled back because he's been raised to not react to women in that way.

 

I'm not getting a 'good guy' persona from Ethan at all.

 

Here's the thing. I've actually had girls reply to me from OLD saying "sorry not interested i am looking for someone taller" or "sorry i don't date asian guys." No joke. This is online so nobody gives a **** about being brutally honest.

 

Yet girls I know in real life as well as friends all say I'm such a good guy and that there's nothing wrong with me and that I just haven't met the right person yet. And the most honest real-life friend has at most said something like, "I think you have a negative attitude in dating and I think girls pick up on that."

 

I have a negative attitude in dating due to the responses like:

 

- "Sorry I'm looking for someone taller"

- "Sorry I don't date Asian guys"

- "Uh, why are you assuming I'd date you? Just cause we're both Asian?"

 

After experiences like the above, I have a negative attitude. Because I have a negative attitude, girls in real life detect it and are turned off. It's a catch 22.

 

 

 

 

If you are finding your accomplishments and cool things you have done are not being recognised by women in general, then you need to start looking at it from their perspective and not just yours.

 

I'll give you a real-life example. I'm a music lover. I have my own band. It's my #1 hobby. I knew this girl. She was super into music and we even had very very similar tastes. I thought we really connected. Also, we were of similar cultural background and we even had similar dress sense. Seemed like a great connection.

 

She ended up hooking up with my friend. He doesn't like music. Actually they have NOTHING in common. Which is kinda why they broke up 8 months later but not before they banged the **** out of each other.

 

I was more of a match for her EXCEPT physical. My friend is 6'4 and dark and handsome. I'm a 5'5 Asian guy. And that was the difference.

 

So all this **** about pursuing your passions, taking risks, being kind to women, it doesn't do jack.

 

In the above case, she loved my passions cause she was into them as well. I was kind to her. I went on a couple dates with her where we got to know each other and we even kissed and hugged and I thought it was leading somewhere. Then BAM, out of nowhere, she went off with my friend.

 

And yet, you're telling me I'm doing **** wrong or that I'm not actually a good guy but a nice guy in disguise and that I don't contribute anything to women? Based off what?

[basil67]

While I see Elaine's point, I will give another perspective.

 

Successfully pursuing one's passions is *part* of the equation for being a well rounded person. And being a well rounded person is what is attractive. But your roundedness falters in the way you connect with women. It sounds like you've got plenty of friends, so this indicates that you're personable. However because you only react with women on a platonic level, they don't see you as boyfriend material.

[basil67]

She ended up hooking up with my friend. He doesn't like music. Actually they have NOTHING in common. Which is kinda why they broke up 8 months later but not before they banged the **** out of each other.

 

I was more of a match for her EXCEPT physical. My friend is 6'4 and dark and handsome. I'm a 5'5 Asian guy. And that was the difference.

 

Another difference is that he knew how to sweep her off her feet and make her feel super desirable. From what you have written, this is something you can't/choose not to do.

 

Matching interests don't count for much in reality. I don't know why people set so much store in it. My hubby's biggest interest is soccer. Mine is domestic arts. I even know who's playing in the game and he has no interest in what I do either. Yet we connect on an emotional level.

 

As for online dating, it's ALL ABOUT the physical. ANYONE who isn't particularly hot isn't going to have a lot of success. You're not the only one.

[EthanBlack]

Another difference is that he knew how to sweep her off her feet and make her feel super desirable. From what you have written, this is something you can't/choose not to do.

 

Matching interests don't count for much in reality. I don't know why people set so much store in it. My hubby's biggest interest is soccer. Mine is domestic arts. I even know who's playing in the game and he has no interest in what I do either. Yet we connect on an emotional level.

 

As for online dating, it's ALL ABOUT the physical. ANYONE who isn't particularly hot isn't going to have a lot of success. You're not the only one.

 

He didn't do anything. He showed no interest in her. How do I know? I literally WATCHED them hook up. It was his birthday and he was inviting friends over to his place and he asked people to invite whomever. So I brought her. AT this point, we had only went out 3 times and I thought things were escalating fine cause we kissed on the 3rd date.

 

My friend had NEVER met this girl before. They barely even talked while at his place. Later on, we went to a club to watch a live band. Out of nowhere, she hits on him and he was like WTF cause he thought I was with her. And they hooked up that night.

 

So yah, all this **** about building a connection with a girl, building a rapport, that's bull****. My friend and her BARELY talked. They didn't know each other at all. I'm the one who was building a connection with her, a rapport with her and physically escalating without being overly aggressive. Look where that got me.

 

Are you gonna continue blaming me for **** and not admit to the slight possibility that physical attraction is a dealbreaker for women also?

 

You even inadvertently agreed with me your comment above about how interests don't matter. In my example above, my friend and HER had nothing in common. He's this engineering type of guy whose into finance and sciences and likes to play the stock market. She's this artsy girl whose into music and going out dancing. You're right, interests don't matter. Physical attraction does.

 

Looks like you're agreeing with me but you just wanna continue busting my balls.

[EthanBlack]

It sounds like you've got plenty of friends, so this indicates that you're personable. However because you only react with women on a platonic level, they don't see you as boyfriend material.

 

What do you want me to do? Push her up against the wall and have my way with her on the 2nd date? I already told you that things were escalating fine with this girl. We went out on 3 dates. We had plenty in common and we were building a connection. We kissed. Things were going fine or so I thought.

 

What should I have done? Forced myself on her?

 

Guys can't win. When they try too hard with a girl and are too forceful, women call out the #metoo hounds. When they slowly escalate with a girl and not pressure her, then he's apparently not trying hard enough.

 

Can't win.

[guest569]

I don't really see why it is a problem, if you GENUINELY see these women as platonic friends or acquaintances then you shouldn't care if she doesn't want a relationship with you, yet says that you're a great guy who will meet a great girl. Take the compliment and move on.

 

??

[ZA Dater]

I did not say pursing passions was a character fault but merely asked what does you pursuing your passions bring to her party?

If not a lot, then she is not going to be that impressed is she?

 

YOU :"I am a member of a big hiking club we go on great hikes every weekend all over the country, we also organise dinners and other events for charity."

 

Girl one: That sounds great, I love hiking and fundraising for charities - excellent.

Girl two: Boring... I hate the great outdoors, surely you don't mean every week end...

 

 

If you are finding your accomplishments and cool things you have done are not being recognised by women in general, then you need to start looking at it from their perspective and not just yours.

 

 

 

Absolutely true and it took me a long time to realise how true this was. For its one of the biggest hurdles to dating. In theory it isn't but in reality it is. Seeing how K enjoys theses events around highly successful people in at beautiful locations for lunch, fast cars, she likes that even if she doesn't find me that attractive. I am however the ticket to that life, her bf cannot offer her that but I can.

 

 

Ethan I do feel sorry for you about your friend and that girl, unfortunately and I have been there, some of us cannot be as forward as some, have the charisma as some and my guess was those two things worked in his favour and she felt really attracted to him as a result even though she shares more in common with you.

 

 

You then have to choose, be her friend with the benefits inherent to that realising you wont get the ultimate benefit so to speak or you cast her off and loose someone you get along well with. I have grappled with and still do often.

 

 

I get what you say, it is incredibly irritating when guys who offer nothing get all the success, I know quite a few such guys but how they deal with their lives is beyond your scope of influence, what you do with yours is directly under your control. Have you ever taken these guys on intellectually in front of their supposed chosen girls? It doesn't win you the game but there is some pride to be taken at showing these sorts of guys up and you will win respect.

[ZA Dater]

Another difference is that he knew how to sweep her off her feet and make her feel super desirable. From what you have written, this is something you can't/choose not to do.

 

Matching interests don't count for much in reality. I don't know why people set so much store in it. My hubby's biggest interest is soccer. Mine is domestic arts. I even know who's playing in the game and he has no interest in what I do either. Yet we connect on an emotional level.

 

As for online dating, it's ALL ABOUT the physical. ANYONE who isn't particularly hot isn't going to have a lot of success. You're not the only one.

 

 

 

ITO the bold. How do you do that? Serious question.

[brigit87]

 

What should I have done? Forced myself on her?

 

 

No. You did the right thing. You pursued her and she lost interest. That happens.

[brigit87]

ITO the bold. How do you do that? Serious question.

 

1. Make her laugh

2. Tell her she's pretty

3. Walk around stores if she sees something she likes buy it and say "you're beautiful you should have this."

4. Don't ask too many questions

4. Don't ask to split the bill

 

(That is a good start.)