is there something "wrong" with women who don't feel the need to be a mother

September 13, 2005

i started this thread because someone stated in another thread that women who don't want to be mothers must have "underlying issues."

i completely disagree, but i am curious as to what others' thoughts are.

not looking for dime-store psychology, just opinions.

(granted, there may be underlying issues for some, of course, such as those who have been abused and are afraid of becoming abusers, etc. but this was not part of the original conversation in which this assumption about child-free women was made.)

September 13, 2005

i completely disagree, but i am curious as to what others' thoughts are.

I'm not an expert here but I'll bet anything the percentange falls around the 50% range as to how many women who don't want to have kids have underlying issues.

Affected by their upbringing and their past relationships..They are more selfish or hurt by their experiences

The other 50% just either haven't had the time or found the right guy or just doesn't want a kid.

My nickles worth

September 13, 2005

I think some women are more maternal than others for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I had no intention of having children until the happy 'oops' that resulted in my daughter's birth. I still dislike children in general, though. Don't get me wrong - I love my kid. I just don't like kids in general. Very uncomfortable around them.

September 13, 2005

Perhaps the originator will enlighten us.

Maybe not being a woman excludes me from having a valid opinion on this, but hey, I know lots of women! And some of them don't want any children{{gasp}}. I've chatted with more than one of them about the topic of children. They all seem sane, rational & well adjusted to me, they just don't want children.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

September 13, 2005

I think some women are more maternal than others for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I had no intention of having children until the happy 'oops' that resulted in my daughter's birth. I still dislike children in general, though. Don't get me wrong - I love my kid. I just don't like kids in general. Very uncomfortable around them.

thanks for the insight, LB. i just added more to my post, i don't think i got it there in time for yours.

i've known a lot of people who have felt the same way. once they had their children, they loved them of course, but it wasn't the plan, and some of them did have a hard time adjusting to such a different life--but they did it.

there were also some who had one after knowing they didn't want them, and never fully adjusted to it. they resented their choice and then felt constant guilt.

i also don't like children in general. but see, i know i have a maternal instinct, i know it's in there. i have lots of nieces and nephews (3 of which i lived with and helped to raise while my sister and her husband were working) and i love them all to death. i would do anything for them, ever, and even have been chosen as the caretaker in case something to happened to their parents. my love for them is like they are my own. (my whole family is extremely close.)

my mother is wonderful, and is one of my best friends. no problems there.

i just never felt the need to have my own. i would also would not adopt after i am married, it's not just the childbirth thing that i don't want.

i see how busy the familes with children are (the ones in my own family, my other sister has children too) and i don't want that. i don't want to live my life based on other people's time. i like to come and go as i please--i like my freedom. and while i would certainly give that up for the existing children if something happens to my sister, i still do not want to have my own. my almost-husband feels the same way. we both felt this way before we met, it's not one of us convincing the other.

maybe it's selfishness in some people's eyes. sometimes it is in my own. but i would rather know what i want in my life and stay on my own track then ruin a child's life just to be a stereotypical normal woman. i don't think that's fair to either party.

i don't think that makes me less mentally stable than a woman who lives to have children. i may not understand how some women feel that way, but i would never call them crazy or make unfounded assumptions about their lives.

September 13, 2005

I'm not an expert here but I'll bet anything the percentange falls around the 50% range as to how many women who don't want to have kids have underlying issues.

that would be interesting to find out, actually. although i often don't fully trust statistics.

and blue chocolate, yes i agree. just because you can doesn't mean you should....or must.

thank you both.

September 13, 2005

maybe it's selfishness in some people's eyes

I don't get that argument. What is selfish about not wanting to create a life that doesn't exist? On the other hand I think that a lot of people who have children do so through selfish & egotistical motivations (among others).

September 13, 2005

Interesting topic.

I have, at times, desired a child.

I am SO glad a child did not result from the desire.

My first husband was quite narcissistic (sp). I think I saw his other child and was kind of jealous that I didn't have one with him. It was immaturity on my part. I thank Jebus that I did not have a child with him.

My now husband is a wonderful man. We actually tried to have a child. It didn't happen. I was sad for a bit.

Now? Oh, my, gosh! I am so happy we didn't have children. I think it was hormonal in both cases. Curse me if I'm being a bitch, but our life is so perfect now. We have his child in our lives. She is growing up to be a nice person and we enjoy her. I must tell you though, he didn't want any children and would not have cared either way.

Life is odd. Sometimes you think you want something...and then let a bit of time pass...and thank your lucky stars that you did not get your wish.

Bottom line...I think women get a case of "baby rabies"...and sometimes relish the result and sometimes rue it.

September 13, 2005

maybe it's selfishness in some people's eyes

I don't get that argument. What is selfish about not wanting to create a life that doesn't exist? On the other hand I think that a lot of people who have children do so through selfish & egotistical motivations (among others).

well, i don't think it's selfishness in the sense of, say..."i don't want to share my toys because they're mine!"

it's more of a "i'm not willing to give up my life and all i want to with it" ("self"ishness) "and risk ruining someone else's by going against what i know i want for me." (unselfishness.)

so maybe the selfishness/unselfishness balance each other out.

September 13, 2005

Interesting topic.

Bottom line...I think women get a case of "baby rabies"...and sometimes relish the result and sometimes rue it.

i agree.

i would much rather have my own regret at 50 for not having a child then go against what i now want and make a mistake.

the child is the important part here, and even women who don't want to be mothers know that.

September 13, 2005

the child is the important part here, and even women who don't want to be mothers know that.

This is an important statement.

Whatever the reason that the Woman doesn't want kids..Even if she has underlying issues her not wanting a child is really an unselfish view.

She knows that it isn't right and that the child is what is important not her.

and that is unselfish.

September 13, 2005

This is an important statement.

Whatever the reason that the Woman doesn't want kids..Even if she has underlying issues her not wanting a child is really an unselfish view.

She knows that it isn't right and that the child is what is important not her.
and that is unselfish.

it is nice to hear from men, i am glad that some of you are posting. and i agree with you completely.

having children may be the most important decision a woman (or man) makes, and shouldn't be made with the idea that it is a woman's job and debt to society. that, to me, is the worst and most selfish reason to make the decision in favour of being a parent. well, that and wanting presents.

a lot of the reason i came to the decision is almost about the same reason i didn't become a rocket scientist or a house painter--it just doesn't interest me. so why do it? there's a lot more at stake than a career.

September 13, 2005

IMO There is nothing wrong with a Woman not wanting to be a Mom... it isn't for everyone and seriously I think it's sad when Women feel pressured to have Little Peeps when they really don't want them because other people believe they should.

If anything I applaud those who KNOW they do not want Children and do not allow anyone to shame them into changing thier minds...

For me, I knew I wanted Little People and I love my kids like crazy... couldn't imagine my life without them, but I have nothing but respect for those who choose to not have children as well.

My 2 cent's

September 13, 2005

IMO There is nothing wrong with a Woman not wanting to be a Mom... it isn't for everyone and seriously I think it's sad when Women feel pressured to have Little Peeps when they really don't want them because other people believe they should.

If anything I applaud those who KNOW they do not want Children and do not allow anyone to shame them into changing thier minds...

For me, I knew I wanted Little People and I love my kids like crazy... couldn't imagine my life without them, but I have nothing but respect for those who choose to not have children as well.

My 2 cent's

as always, thank you merin. the voice of reason.

September 13, 2005

On the other hand I think that a lot of people who have children do so through selfish & egotistical motivations (among others).

I agree. They want children and often, if you ask why, you don't get much answer. Unfortunately a lot of women have kids thinking they'll be little dolls - quite, pretty, and obedient. When it turns out they're noisy, smelly, and have minds of their owns they get neglected or abused.

I think the sign of mental incompetence is having children when you are not at all suited to do so and that people who consider the matter carefully and make a well-informed decision to not have children are clearly the competent and sane ones.

And it's great that some people do consider all the consequences of having children and choose to do so. Wouldn't it be nice if they then managed to manage their relationships well so that they don't end up breaking families up.

September 13, 2005

I agree. They want children and often, if you ask why, you don't get much answer. Unfortunately a lot of women have kids thinking they'll be little dolls - quite, pretty, and obedient. When it turns out they're noisy, smelly, and have minds of their owns they get neglected or abused.

I think the sign of mental incompetence is having children when you are not at all suited to do so and that people who consider the matter carefully and make a well-informed decision to not have children are clearly the competent and sane ones.

And it's great that some people do consider all the consequences of having children and choose to do so. Wouldn't it be nice if they then managed to manage their relationships well so that they don't end up breaking families up.

hear, hear to to outcast.

or here, here, whichever it is.

September 13, 2005

hear, hear to to outcast.

or here, here, whichever it is.

OR here, there...

September 13, 2005

OR here, there...

maybe i should have just said "cheers" or "yes, outcast, i am in agreement with you."

September 13, 2005

maybe i should have just said "cheers" or "yes, outcast, i am in agreement with you."

Or WORD HOMEY!

September 13, 2005

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repeating ~ sorry.

I never wanted kids. Not that I don't like them or that I don't have a strong maternal instinct, but I've never been particularly fond of the little grub snatchers!

Then I had a couple. My world revolved around them. I adored them, I spoiled them, and I disciplined them. I learned sooo much from them and this may seem odd, but what I looked forward to most was having grandkids. I could spoil and enjoy them and hand 'em back when things began spewing forth from their various openings!

I don't want any more kids (for a lot of reasons) but mainly because I'm not a 'kid' person. I am a dog person and my dogs are my kids. They were when I had kids too. I was 'softer' on the dogs sometimes than on the kids because kids can understand on a different level than animals can. But believe me, I mother my k-9 kids to bits! When hubby says "go see mommy" they know he means me. They know their names and they know my name is mommy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with women who don't want kids and I don't think it really has anything to do with their maternal instinct. I think a lot has to do with the *gulp* women's movement. Women have naturally diverted their 1800's energy into careers in 1900's & 2000's. Before women went to work and voted and began providing for their families, all they had were household responsibilities and child-rearing. It was not considered wrong for men to not want kids or a lack of paternal instinct. The paternal instinct was to have them and turn them over to the wife to raise.

I would not trade having had my kids for anything in the world and I considered them a surprise not an accident. But I didn't choose to have them because I am just not a 'kid' person. I love to hold babies! I love to hold puppies more!

September 13, 2005

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repeating ~ sorry.

I never wanted kids. Not that I don't like them or that I don't have a strong maternal instinct, but I've never been particularly fond of the little grub snatchers!

Then I had a couple. My world revolved around them. I adored them, I spoiled them, and I disciplined them. I learned sooo much from them and this may seem odd, but what I looked forward to most was having grandkids. I could spoil and enjoy them and hand 'em back when things began spewing forth from their various openings!

I don't want any more kids (for a lot of reasons) but mainly because I'm not a 'kid' person. I am a dog person and my dogs are my kids. They were when I had kids too. I was 'softer' on the dogs sometimes than on the kids because kids can understand on a different level than animals can. But believe me, I mother my k-9 kids to bits! When hubby says "go see mommy" they know he means me. They know their names and they know my name is mommy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with women who don't want kids and I don't think it really has anything to do with their maternal instinct. I think a lot has to do with the *gulp* women's movement. Women have naturally diverted their 1800's energy into careers in 1900's & 2000's. Before women went to work and voted and began providing for their families, all they had were household responsibilities and child-rearing. It was not considered wrong for men to not want kids or a lack of paternal instinct. The paternal instinct was to have them and turn them over to the wife to raise.

I would not trade having had my kids for anything in the world and I considered them a surprise not an accident. But I didn't choose to have them because I am just not a 'kid' person. I love to hold babies! I love to hold puppies more!

i hear what you're saying, and a lot of it i do agree with.

i do think, though, that for some it might be about the women's movement, but for just as many, it's not--it's really just the lack of desire to have them. i don't think the movement really had much effect on me. i've felt this way since i was little. my sisters would have dolls and feed them and change them...i had dolls too, but i always made them my "friends" not my children.

September 13, 2005

nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. people who say its selfish are usually people who want grandkids. its the grandparents who have the fun with the kids--they have the time and dont have to make a living and provide for them, and can leave them when they tire. sometimes it seems that proper parenting for a lot of people is one generation removed.

its just a personal choice, and i know several couples who chose not to have kids, and they have the freedom of an eagle. travel, vacations, etc. no croup, coughs, colds, little league, etc. what about when they get old and lonely? Kids still will not see them anyway, because they wont have time and will be busy with their own lives and kids. when kids are young, the parents cant wait for them to move out, and when they do, the parents complain about them never visiting. Its a never ending cycle.

better to have a dog. BTW, my dog loves kids....today he had one for lunch.

September 13, 2005

i agree.

i would much rather have my own regret at 50 for not having a child then go against what i now want and make a mistake.

the child is the important part here, and even women who don't want to be mothers know that.

Smart girl.

September 13, 2005

I think a lot has to do with the *gulp* women's movement. Women have naturally diverted their 1800's energy into careers in 1900's & 2000's. Before women went to work and voted and began providing for their families, all they had were household responsibilities and child-rearing. It was not considered wrong for men to not want kids or a lack of paternal instinct.

Years before the women's movement, my father's stepmother beat her stepkids. They still have scars. Being trapped in a home with no other options probably made women more crazy than less. Before the women's movement, women were treated like broody hens. The only problem with that is that broody hens don't have brains. Sadly, too much of society thought women didn't either.

September 13, 2005

i started this thread because someone stated in another thread that women who don't want to be mothers must have "underlying issues."

Don't know RAINYDAYWOMAN....but would you think that men who did not want to work or provide would have "underlying issues"??

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