Pending separation, military retirement next year: fight or let it stay broke

[fishguy1999]

Hello. Ok, time for a long read. Been together for 6 years, married for 5. Our second marriage. I need some advice and to get this off my chest. I am 37(m) and she is 33(f) we have no kids except for the two from my previous marriage who live 250 miles away (I get them about once a month for a weekend and extended holidays), we both work, I am in the military and she is in sales. I am retiring next year after 20 years of military service. Me and the first wife are amicable and have no drama involving the past relationship. We grew apart and both of us decided to go our separate ways.

 

Late October 2018, my wife told me that she was not happy and wanted to separate and divorce. She has been feeling this way for a long time. I have been under tremendous stress these last two years filling a new position that has left me feeling depressed and anxious. I have been having panic attacks and would close myself off to her when I would come home. I would also say mean things and not communicate. Looking back now, I see that I took my stress and unhappiness out on her.

 

How we met

 

If I were to be honest, I should have never have gotten married. In fact I was about a year out of my first divorce and was feeling really good. I felt happy to be alone, genuinely happy and was not pursuing anything serious. One day I got a message from someone I worked with who was overseas for me to go over his house and help cut the lawn for his wife. Little did I know, my wife had sought me out on Facebook along with her friends and set up this meeting. She would openly admit later on this was the plan all along.

So I went over thinking I was going to mow the grass but never did that. Instead she just opened up to me that her husband was a piece of **** and she was separated (she wasn’t, the paperwork had never been done, it wouldn’t be done for another 6 months). She told me that no one would ever want her and that because she deals with chronic pain (fibro, nerve damage etc.) she would never be loved. This girl was absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t imagine how no one would ever want to be with her. We talked for about 4 hours and I could sense that she wanted a romantic relationship. I could have stopped it but I was weak and she made me feel so good. She was so attentive and seemed like we had so much in common. She would shower me with compliments. I ended up replacing a light bulb and left to go back home. We talked on the phone later and decided to see each other the next day at my house where we proceeded to have sex.

 

In my heart I knew what I was doing was wrong. I felt ashamed and worried about my career but at the same time it felt right. She was so loving and caring. She also insisted that they were separating and the marriage was done. She told me everything he had did wrong: spent money on cars, never spent time with her, cheated, never got her a nice wedding ring, never talked that he was a terrible person. Later on, a few years into our relationship she would tell me that he wasn’t that bad and that he congratulated her in leaving me before I went to Japan.

 

Later on I would hold resentment that the whole meeting was a set up. I don’t know, just felt like I was manipulated and felt shamed for getting involved in the first place. I know I am at fault too. I could have easily had the morale fortitude to say no but I didn’t. I pursued the relationship as well. In my mind I knew this could end up bad because essentially the relationship started off as an affair and based on lies which isn’t a recipe for success. I was cheated on my first marriage and here I was being a hypocrite and doing the same thing. In the back of my mind I thought if she could do this to her husband she could do it to me…

 

I would later, just recently confide to her how I felt and how it affected me with the relationship.

 

Dating

 

Very early in the relationship she started to say “I love you”, everything seemed to be happening very quickly. I was hesitant with the “I loves you’s” and saw red flags everywhere. About 1 month in she made me some rice and she asked me how it was and I mentioned it was good and could use some more salt or something. She got mad and walked out of the house. I was like OK, and let her leave. She would later come back and apologize. I was kind of freaked out because she was so loving one minute and then cold the next. By the way, she cannot cook but never made her feel bad about it. I did 95% of the cooking and I do it pretty well.

 

2 months into the relationship she asked for my debit card to go shopping for food but I didn’t feel comfortable. She got mad and said she didn’t feel like we were a couple etc. I would also say things like “my place” with speaking to her (she still had things at her house) and she would get upset because I didn’t say our place.

 

4 months in, I got a vasectomy that I had scheduled before I met her. She was ok with it because she didn’t want kids and said due to her chronic pain she wouldn’t be able too. She mentioned she liked being a step parent. The day I got the surgery she was going to be at work and I was going to have 5 days of bedrest. I got home in the morning after my procedure and was resting on the couch with Oxy and some frozen vegetables. She came over unannounced and I asked her if she could let me have some time to myself to process everything. I am in the military so I don’t do any drugs and was feeling weird being high on oxy. She got very upset because she felt I didn’t want to be with her. I tried to reassure her that it wasn’t that and she left. This was right before Thanksgiving. For the next 4-5 days she was out partying with friends, drinking and leaving me be. I tried to reach out to her but she was doing her thing. I was alone, in pain and confused. One night while she was at a bar with friends I received a call from her, which she says was her friend that said “she doesn’t want you anymore, she found someone else. I accepted that it was over but we got back together again.

 

She would constantly accuse me of having feeling for the ex. Although we never spoke about anything other than the kids I was over her. We both moved on and my wife (girlfriend then) would exclaim that she was so happy that we didn’t have any drama like friends that she knows.

 

She snooped my phone very early in our relationship which she found where me and the ex were planning drop off times and whatnot, nothing crazy. Trust me, me and the ex are better apart than together, and I wish her all the happiness in the world. Her new husband is a cool guy and they just had a baby. I am glad she has a good man to be around my kids when I am not.

 

I had a few close friends that came over to hang out with us one day. Around my friends she would make off comments about me, like poking fun but it made me feel bad. She was one way around me and then around others she was like the life of the party and needed to make everyone laugh. She has always been like this though, she gets along with everyone and overly exaggerated compliments and flattery.

 

One time I called her Boo through a text and she thought I was talking to someone else. I wasn’t.

 

Anyways, I saw a lot of red flags and but could never called it totally off even though I contemplated it and we had a short berakups. When it was good, it was really good. Everything I liked doing she liked. She would say things that would make me feel so good about myself. She told me she wanted to be a trophy wife and look pretty for me. She always mentioned to me that she wants to be always married.

 

At times during dating I felt like I was crazy and then I was having the best times of our life. We rarely went out so not to be seen. It was very much a secret relationship. I couldn’t really tell people that I met her and would feel ashamed if I ever told them how we truly met. If anyone asked how we met we would come up with a story that didn’t match reality.

 

So, dating there were lot of red flags, which I even talked to her about but I chose to ignore them because when times were good, they were great. Sex was great. I think that is more on me that I didn’t have boundaries.

 

How we got married

 

During our courtship she would bring up marriage. I considered it but would tell her that I would be down with that one day but would rather date to ensure we get to know each other. I had been out of my last relationship for about 2 year and she was coming close to divorcing. I got orders in the summer to Japan. This would mean that I would have to go alone for 2 years without friends or family. This caused a lot of stress and kicked the marriage question into hyper drive. I told her that I would like to be her boyfriend and we could make it work. She didn’t want too.

 

She gave me the ultimatum that either we marry or that she was going to move into with a guy she met on craigslist. I was hurt and at the time I said ok, go your own way. We also spoke that if I was going to get married again, I would want a pre-nup to protect my retirement and investments that I had accumulated. A few days later I broke down and bought a $7k ring and asked her to marry me. She wasn’t please about the pre-up but went with it. I didn’t wear my wedding ring after marriage. I wasn’t doing it out of spite but in the back of my mind I was worried about the future. I also didn’t want to wear my wedding ring. I do now, but didn’t want to then.

 

We did the 2 year un-accompanied stitch. It definitely had it’s up and down. We spent a considerable amount of time on Skype. On the weekends we would regularly have 12 hour sessions where we would talk and play video games together. We were in constant communication. I never went out and just focused on my job, marriage and kids. I came home halfway through and it was really nice. When we had 3 months left to go, things started to get bad. She went out one night and said some hurtful things, I couldn’t do anything right it seemed. There was just constant drama: her friends, bad relationship with her mother, work etc. I was getting sick of it and got separation paperwork. I didn’t file, and the homecoming was amazing.

 

New Job

 

While dating and being married she worked call center work which did not pay very well. I took care of all the bills and never asked for a penny. She would help with food, buying stuff for the kids. She was never selfish with her money, but I never asked her for help to help pay the bills. I knew she worked hard and didn’t earn as much as me, so I liked being able to take that stress from her.

 

In the 3 jobs that she has had while we were together there was always someone, a boss, colleague who she never got along with. It got to the point where she would cry at home to me about how such and such is doing this or that. Instead of listening I would offer solutions and try to solve it. I would get frustrated with everyday it being the same thing over and over. It added to my stress and I would say things like “maybe it’s you, every job you have had there has always been a someone that you don’t get along with”. I shouldn’t have said that.

 

I finished my degree in 2017 and she started to go back to school which I was proud of her. I supported her in school by helping proofread her papers or anything she needed.

 

During Sept 2017 she was having a huge difficulty with work and I told her to quit and I will take care of her while she searched for another. She was not happy, and I was always optimistic with her that she could get a better job that wasn’t so stressful and more fulfilling. As luck would have it a company contacted her through Linkeden and offered her a job which paid decent and different than call center work. I was so happy for her and she was too.

 

She started her new job and she really put herself into it. She would work all day and then come home and work for 3-4 hours. At times, her new boss (female) would call her and they would talk for hours at a time about work. My wife would complain about this boss, like bad mouth her, say she is incompetent, was a piece of **** but when she was on the phone, it was like they were best friends. I would ask her “how do you do that”? How do you badmouth her and tell me she is terrible and then when you get on the phone with her you give her praise and tell her she is so great? She told me that it’s a game and she was manipulating her to get what she wants. I said, o, like politics? I don’t know, I am in the military and I have never done that. Maybe it’s because I am a guy, I don’t know. I just felt like it was odd that she could be one way with her boss and then when she is on the phone, she acts another.

 

After about six months of working she wanted to try to become a sale rep inside her company. She likes talking with people and she does have very good communication skills. I told her to go for it and would help her in any way. The non-stop work continued. Work during the day then work during the night. We never really spent quality time together, but I never asked her too. We became roommates. Sure, we would text, call everyday and still spend time together but I felt her slipping away and never communicated that to her. I was dealing with tremendous stress at work and would just keep it bottled up. I would take my anger and frustration out on her when I got home by making hurtful comments: like making a rude comment about a reality TV show she was watching or not cleaning up after herself. I was never physically abusive, fits of rage or an alcoholic, but I neglected her. But I couldn’t even take care of myself.

 

Around Sept 2017 she was told that the sales position would be open to her if she wanted it. She was very happy and took it. She mentioned that she got along with all the older guys at work by being flirtatious and using her girl card. She would tell me straight up that she would manipulate guys into doing things for her or feeling bad for her. I would often hear her call her work colleagues babe or love at the end of a call and I would tell her it bothered me but would just shrug it off like it’s no big deal. The only thing that upset me is that she calls me those things. She tells me that she has a small window to make good sales because her looks will fade. She says that the younger guys are harder to manipulate but the older guys eat out of the palm of her hand.

 

Recently, after she said that she would get praises at work on how great she is and then come home to me which I don’t blame her, I wasn’t there for her. I know she was getting fulfilled at work instead of me being there for her totally.

 

D-Day

 

On a Sunday in Oct, 2018, I asked her if everything was ok because she felt distant that weekend. She was listening to music and acting overly happy, but I could feel something was off. I asked her in bed if something was going on and she said she was not happy, not happy for a long time and wanted to separate/divorce. I asked her if there was another man and with tears in her eyes said NO! I was shaken but didn’t fight back with her or try to argue, I said ok and went into the other bedroom to sleep. I was very upset but did not cry and tried to show how I was feeling. For the next few days we didn’t talk. The date she chose was Nov 7th, she was looking for a lease near her work.

 

I approached her 3 days after D-day and told her I was sorry for everything and would rather work it out than separate but understood if she couldn’t do that due to being hurt etc. She then tore into me for about 10 minutes about everything I had ever did wrong, going back to when we were dating. I mean everything and anything. I stood there and let her vent. I did not interrupt her one time or try to reason or make her feel her complaints were not warranted. I just stood there and listened. It was hard. After she was done talking, I gave her a sincere apology and thanked her for letting me know. Later we would talk together on the couch, not about the relationship, just talking and laughing. I never brought up any heavy relationship issues unless she did.

 

She mentioned that I was 100% at fault for the breakdown of marriage. I started to believe that but in the back of my mind I know it’s 50/50. I did bring up that relationships is 50/50 but said maybe in this case it’s 70/30. I didn’t argue since I didn’t want to fight.

 

Throughout the first week, we kept to ourselves and I decided to fight for the marriage. I really don’t know if that is just my lizard brain playing tricks on me and this would be better over, but I decided to fight for it by changing myself. In Sept I put my retirement paperwork in because I was ready to get out of the military and wanted to support her in her new job. If I stayed in, I knew we would be moving and losing the job she loved so much.

 

I started to see a therapist a few days before D-day because I was having panic attacks and pain in my chest. After D-Day I sought continued therapy along with an 8-week anger management course on base. I started to read self-help books (not marriage) and podcast/audiobooks. I started hitting the gym the next day after D-day which I used to do before I went to Japan. I started to meditate again and think about my future.

 

She would tell me that her job comes first in her life and she wants to put everything into it.

 

Nov 7th came and went, and she didn’t move out. I gave her space and tried to let things cool down. She went away to see a friend out of state for a week and we were texting and talking on the phone. Again, nothing relationship heavy, never tried to change her mind. I accepted that she was leaving but I was still going to better myself and if you want to be part my life then that would be an added bonus.

 

The next date she was going to get a lease was Nov 15th. Which came and passed. Periodically we would have talks on the couch about the day, how were things going. We were getting along. Every now an again, she would get angry and tear into me how I had hurt her throughout the years and she could not stay her. I wrote her a letter basically validating everything she said I ever did wrong. Never made excuses and owned them. I was a bit of an *******. I could of done things differently with opening up and being there for her more emotionally.

 

Last week, she started opening up to me more about how she was conflicted with leaving and decided to move in with an old work girlfriend in a town about 10 minutes from me. I found this good since to me it’s better than having a yearlong lease and separation paperwork (I do have the separation paperwork). So she is supposed to be moving on 1 Dec.

 

She left for work 2 hours away today and will be away for Thanksgiving. Earlier this week she said she was getting sick and was going to stay here with me. Then she got better after I went out and bought her some medicine. She also mentioned that Friday she might pick up the kids and spend the weekend here with us. So I don’t know, its up and down, I take everything with as grain of salt.

 

Mixes Signals: Limbo Hell/ Observations

 

-I shouldn’t tell you this but I want you to fight for me. Then she would say other times, I want someone to fight for me.

-In Feb I would like to try marriage counseling (I have offered it before, but she refuses, she offered it before and I refused before D-day).

-Said that perhaps we can date and you can come over and visit the dogs.

-Said she is just taking some clothes and bed to her friends, said it would be easier if she wanted to move back 2, 3, or 6 months later.

-She said she saw the 180 in me and loved it just wished it was sooner

-She called me randomly yesterday and asked to come to a work function. She was talking to people in future tense how we were going to be retiring and she was happy.

-We drank with the neighbors on Sat (first time for me in a long time) and she was sending me pics of us, sent me a few breast and other nude phots that we had previously shared. She got up one time when we alone and came up and gave me a nice kiss, and then another. She said sex is off the table and I have not even tried to push that issue. Last night before she left for a few days for Thanksgiving she was frustrated because she was thinking about sex with me and jokingly said to get away. She said she was wet and couldn’t get it out of her mind but insisted no sex and I didn’t want to complicate things, so I didn’t.

-We are sleeping in the same bed again starting this past weekend. We hug and she gives me a kiss before leaving for work saying I love you.

-We went during the late afternoon to grab pizza and we just spoke like we were dating. It was a great time.

-Sunday we went and I paid for pedicures and manicures for me and her. Another great day. Then Monday she was distant again but we still talked when we got home.

-She would say things like “I love you” and then say you’re not out of the woods yet.

-Will call me babe and hun and I would too.

-Very adamant that she needs space to find herself and work through her issues. She was talking with a therapist via the phone and he initially recommended divorce. Since then my therapist gave her a list of local providers that I gave her that would work with her. She sees me making all these changes and she feels like she can’t do that while still living in the same house.

With all this said, when she is out of the house, we do not communicate much.

-Tells me she is vain and likes to look pretty. Has breast job, plan on getting them done again. Botox, facelift in future. Which I don’t have a problem with, but she says she is very vain.

-Said I was a narcissist and bi-polar. I don’t know, I may be. I am looking at the definitions and working with my therapist. I have never had any of these issues’ other times.

-Upset because I saved and invested money all my life, drove paid off cars, no debt. She says she is tried of living like this and wants to buy things, new cars, clothes, vacations etc. She said she is materialistic. I am not a penny pincher, I don’t do coupons, I just pay myself first and don’t buy a bunch of **** I do not need.

-Last night we had a neighbor (woman) over and we were talking. Something came up with her husband about how he had cheated before. I mentioned that me and the wife never had anything like that and my wife said something to the affect of “I don’t know, you don’t know if I have or not”, kind of jokingly.

-I can’t eat or sleep without you around.

 

Reasons for Separation

 

I was neglectful, hurtful comments, she is not happy. I was not a very good communicator. Wants to focus on her career. Says there is no other guy. I didn’t make her feel like it was marriage, which I agree with: Pre-nup, separate bank accounts(never fought about money, well now she wants to buy things), not wearing my wedding band, not a lot of vacations or showring her with praises (her words).

 

One thing about communication, if I ever brought up something that bothered me, I would get a list of 5 things I have ever done wrong. Even if they were in the past. For instance, I would just asked if she could throw away her wrapper on the counter or just pick up after herself (I clean as I go) and she would brush it off and say well you leave things out too.

 

Things I have done to show her that I love her and I am changing

 

-Open communication where I listen and not solve

-Opening myself up to her

-Gym

-Therapy (never went before, mainly worried about my career)

-Anger Management group therapy

-Reconnecting with old friends, getting out of the house, not feeling sorry for myself

-Helped more financially (Vet bill, offered help, paid for her haircut,

-Detailed her car

-Eating right

-Will get rid of prenup to start fresh if it works out

-Wearing wedding band

-Helping more around the house

-Still cooking, she can’t cook but that’s always been ok with me

 

I know conventional wisdom says do the opposite of some of these things. But, feel I would be showing her more of the same. Or I am scared to truly do the 180. I know when you stop doing things for the marriage and truly let go, you change the dynamic. I guess I with all she has said I think there is a shot. I could easily be plan B, keeping me in the wings. I know that I may be setting myself up for delayed healing.

 

Thoughts in the back of my mind

 

With her history, wanting to be in a relationship, I am not sold that there isn’t someone else, EA OR PA. She is a beautiful woman who has no kids and a decent job. I do not have access to her personal information (icloud, text etc.). The only thing I saw that raised an eyebrow was an address she had searched via google maps to a guy she works with that she talks about. He is older and an eternal bachelor she said. One day she was talking to me about him and said he was out with his stupid girlfriend. I guess she does drugs or whatnot. She talks about a lot of different guys but just says she doesn’t want anything to do with a man.

 

So, I found the address and did research and sure enough it was this guy. I really don’t have any other proof and honestly if she wants to do that, then so be it, the door will be easier to shut for me and perhaps explain why she painted me black with putting all the blame of the marriage on my shoulders.

My intuition says something is going on, but I have no proof. I do not know of any affairs. I just know how she talks to the opposite sex and I am a guy and know how we think.

 

Moving Forward

 

After writing all of that I don’t know why I am fighting for it. It seems like it’s broke. Maybe I need to find out why I want to put up with all this, but I feel I have my issues I contributed. Although she says its all my fault I know if we get to a better place perhaps, we can talk about it. When I put in retirement, I started to like the idea of being married to her more and more. I just thought we were going through a rough patch.

 

So, if this doesn’t work out. I will retire next year in Nov, with a pension for life, healthcare, no debt and a new beginning in life. My plan is to take a gap year and travel the world since I will be able to do so. I just want to get away and just get lost in the world for a bit.

 

I feel like a dumbass for even getting married in the first place and here I am after everything still wanting to save it. I am sorry this is so long. I think I have some issues to work through which I am doing currently. Focusing on myself and trying to learn from the mistakes I made. Thanks for updates, I will try to answer any questions and provide additional news as I get it.

For now, I am going to hang out with a good family I know down here for Thanksgiving. I think she mentioned she is going to a bar tonight with some work friends. Life goes on though. Get her back or not, I will be ok, and a year from now I will probably look back and think to myself, WTF was that about. But for some reason I see the good and know I could be much better. With my career coming to an end I will have a lot less stress on my shoulders. 20 years has taken a toll on my spirit honestly.

 

It will be clean break, no assets together, no kids, just a simple clean divorce. So, I got that going for me. I know eventually I will have to pull the 180 and move on but figured I would give one last shot.

 

What do all you think?

[d0nnivain]

Talk to a JAG to find out the financials.

 

Since you say it was a mistake to get married, why compound the mistake by staying married, especially if you have no kids.

[fishguy1999]

Talk to a JAG to find out the financials.

 

Since you say it was a mistake to get married, why compound the mistake by staying married, especially if you have no kids.

 

That is true. I mean I would rather have waited until things settled down but then the orders to Japan happened I wasn't 100% sure. But yeah, it has crossed my mind.

[mard40]

Hate to say it but she probably has another guy. You can find out pretty easily by checking phone records, etc. If she is cheating you should just divorce her with as little drama as possible. Not worth that kind of drama if you have no kids. The blaming you for everything, not wanting to have sex with you (it would feel like cheating on the other guy to her), "working" all the time. All classic signs. Is she weird with her cell phone? If she is that's a total give away.

 

 

The best thing you did was get that vasectomy. I gave you a big thumbs up when I read that! That, and the prenup. Outstanding job! Now you can retire and enjoy life without having to give away a portion of your retirement. I wish I had done what you did.

[Mr. Lucky]

What do all you think?

 

First off, now I know where all those reams of military and government paperwork come from. One of the longer and more detailed posts I've ever seen. Hope you don't have a Twitter account, 140 characters would be a real challenge .

 

Agree with mard40, you've been cast in the same role Husband #1 found himself in. She's currently telling someone new what a POS you are while getting "romantic" with him.

 

Dot the i's, cross the t's, divorce her and get on with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fishguy1999]

Hate to say it but she probably has another guy. You can find out pretty easily by checking phone records, etc. If she is cheating you should just divorce her with as little drama as possible. Not worth that kind of drama if you have no kids. The blaming you for everything, not wanting to have sex with you (it would feel like cheating on the other guy to her), "working" all the time. All classic signs. Is she weird with her cell phone? If she is that's a total give away.

 

 

The best thing you did was get that vasectomy. I gave you a big thumbs up when I read that! That, and the prenup. Outstanding job! Now you can retire and enjoy life without having to give away a portion of your retirement. I wish I had done what you did.

 

Yeah I am thinking the same. It's kind of playing out as we had met. I guess in the back of my mind it was always there: starting a relationship while she was dealing with her crap. We did have good times but we probably brought the worst out of each other.

 

That makes sense about the sex thing. I haven''t been pursuing that because she keeps saying she needs her space. I pretty much know in my mind she is done and letting me down easily and if there is OM, keeping me as plan B.

 

Yeah I was thinking about that too. A lot of military folks have to give up a percentage of their retirement etc. There was no way I was going to get married without it. Plus I have my investments and savings that I have been putting aside for 19 years sacrificing nice things.

 

Yes she is weird with her cell phone, I can't get near it. She used to share her location with me, but now that I think about it, she stopped that months ago. Her computer is on lock. Takes her dead ipad with her whenever she leaves for work etc. So yeah, I have a feeling. My spidy senses were going off when she started acting strange all of a sudden.

 

So if this doesn't work out, I will be sitting pretty good for my next chapter in life. Will be 38 with pension, degree, some money, healthcare for my and my kids. I know many men have it far far worst. Men in my family have lost everything.

[fishguy1999]

First off, now I know where all those reams of military and government paperwork come from. One of the longer and more detailed posts I've ever seen. Hope you don't have a Twitter account, 140 characters would be a real challenge .

 

Agree with mard40, you've been cast in the same role Husband #1 found himself in. She's currently telling someone new what a POS you are while getting "romantic" with him.

 

Dot the i's, cross the t's, divorce her and get on with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Haha I know, I felt kinda bad for writing it all but just wanted to vent I guess. I know exactly what you mean with government paperwork. ha

 

Yes, she painted her ex to me as a terrible person. Never did anything for her, no sex, cheated etc. Then I remember like a few years later saying he was actually not that bad.

 

I got the separation paperwork, no lawyers will be involved, just base legal. They will type up the agreement, we file it with the court, wait a year and then go to court to finalize.

 

Thanks for the support guys, it's been tough but I have been staying strong.

[fishguy1999]

Ok, just found her car 2 1/2 hours away at her co-workers house which u had suspicions on. Fml. Well guess I got my answer.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ok, just found her car 2 1/2 hours away at her co-workers house which u had suspicions on. Fml. Well guess I got my answer.

 

You're not really surprised, are you?

 

You saw the template when she met you while her first husband was gone. She obviously hasn't changed her MO.

 

If you needed it, now you've got closure. Time to get on with the rest of your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Yeah I am thinking the same. It's kind of playing out as we had met. I guess in the back of my mind it was always there: starting a relationship while she was dealing with her crap. We did have good times but we probably brought the worst out of each other.

 

That makes sense about the sex thing. I haven''t been pursuing that because she keeps saying she needs her space. I pretty much know in my mind she is done and letting me down easily and if there is OM, keeping me as plan B.

 

Yeah I was thinking about that too. A lot of military folks have to give up a percentage of their retirement etc. There was no way I was going to get married without it. Plus I have my investments and savings that I have been putting aside for 19 years sacrificing nice things.

 

Yes she is weird with her cell phone, I can't get near it. She used to share her location with me, but now that I think about it, she stopped that months ago. Her computer is on lock. Takes her dead ipad with her whenever she leaves for work etc. So yeah, I have a feeling. My spidy senses were going off when she started acting strange all of a sudden.

 

So if this doesn't work out, I will be sitting pretty good for my next chapter in life. Will be 38 with pension, degree, some money, healthcare for my and my kids. I know many men have it far far worst. Men in my family have lost everything.

 

Red flag. It's affair sign. if you have access to the online bill you can tell when it started. No doubt there'll be a lot of calls/texted to her new boyyfriend the coworker. IMO let her go and move on.

Edited November 23, 2018 by Marc878

[Chinook]

This story could have read exactly like mine, minus the closure moment. Being blamed for everything bad in the marriage (except he's the one who disconnected and disrespected). As already suggested, she's moved on, you should too. You don't need her kind of pain and drama in your life. As you said, you will come out fairly fortunate really. I'm the same, once my house sells - I will have collateral and freedom. I am also working hard on myself physically and mentally. I want to be in a good place without him pulling me down.

 

Cheating is a coward's way to end a relationship - that's all she is - a coward. Instead of having the decency to respect you and tell you it's done, she didn't she disconnected and disrespected you. In my book, there is no coming back from that. You've got this.

[preraph]

I think there might be a narcissist in your household, but I don't think it's you! Look it up. A narcissist can never admit they're wrong even when they are wrong, much less when they're not. Instead they will later do something nice. It's nuts. And expect you to forgive and forget. And go right back to being thoughtless and self-centered.

 

She monkey-branched to you. There was something suspect about that set up if you ask me. Who sets someone up with a married person? Anyway, it often ends the same way it began, and I think while she may or may not have a specific man she's involved with, she undoubtedly has some irons in the fire.

 

I can't believe her arrogance in saying you still have work to do. All you're doing it working and paying bills and trying to make her happy -- and she's not a happy type person. As you said, it's always something at work. Now, admittedly, there's always one person in the office who is bad -- but I think she might be it.

 

I kind of think you can do better. Good grief. You're retired military with a vasectomy who can cook. That's solid gold where I come from. You get yourself out there and break it off with her so her being around doesn't block you from meeting and keeping women and get yourself out there. Go do some activities and interests you enjoy that may involve women. Take a cooking class! You can do better.

[fishguy1999]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. So let me give you an update to the situation about finding her car at a co-workers house.

 

So Friday morning, after Thanksgiving, I shoot her a text and email basically saying I know what is going on. I know I shouldn't have but I said either you come home now and end the affair or I am walking.

 

I sent the text at like 0730. At 0934 I get a email that said "I will have my stuff moved into storage (I told her I wanted all the stuff out of the house) and she thanked me for having the separation paperwork that she has been asking for. That was it, so I took it that she admitted to the affair since she said nothing other wise to the text or email.

 

So I go about my day and she starts calling my phone. It's about 1330 and I am at the gym. Calls like 8 times and then says, I am home. With her email from earlier I told her that I did not feel comfortable talking right now and was protecting my heart. She said "it's not what you think".

 

So I get home and she starts getting upset that I went out there. I told her I am not going to have you getting angry with me, I am about to leave the house, I am not putting up with this. She even yelled at me, even called me bad names like faggot or something. I just couldn't believe it.

 

I took my shower and she starts crying saying that she didn't cheat. Like crazy crying saying that there were people there, but I said I only saw two cars in the drive. She was like "well the drive is big etc." I said bull****. Anyways, I am trying to tell her how I found her and why I was suspicious and she keeps interrupting me, like every word I say she keeps having to say something. I sternly and raise my voice to "LET ME TALK'. She told me she was staying at a female bosses place and she lied. She text at 8 pm saying she was tired and going to sleep, she lied. She told me there were a lot of people over at the house partying. She said she wanted to party and have fun. She even mentioned how she was upset that her only weekend off she had to come home, I told her she didn't have too and if she read what I wrote she would know that. I told her so you want to go party and have your fun and on Thanksgiving while I am alone I find your car in a coworkers place at 0430 in the morning. Sorry for inconveniencing you. Like that is some evil ****. She doesn't love me, that isn't love. Who does this. I shouldn't be surprised, this isn't the first time she has left me and went on a binder partying and carrying on. They even do cocaine at this house, she says she doesn't but smoke some weed, which I don't mind, hell I can't wait to do that.

 

She says she just wanted to party and that there were a ton of people there. I know that wasn't her first night there because I have Google activity starting back in Oct 20, which was a day after D-Day that she started searching this specific address.

 

Also, she said she told everyone at the coworkers place that I came by. She told my neighbor, told her Mom, her friends. I told my mom and my ex-wife because I was supposed to pick the kids up that Friday but I was up for 41 hours and couldn't drive. I didn't go into details just the facts of what I saw. My STBXW went and pretty much told everyone making it look like it was a total misunderstanding and that I was crazy.

 

I asked her to explain the searches from his address to sun tan city, to a drug store, to downtown. Now keep in mind I have dates starting from Oct 20 (D-Day was 19 Oct) up until the current day. She knows I am very savvy with computers. She couldn't explain it, she kept saying "I don't know, I search for address around the area". I said bull****, Google takes your current location and then adds a record of it. It is 1's and 0's, it's math.

 

So she totally denies it and I almost believe her. Like she is so convincing. I have seen her lie to other people though so I know what she is capable of, she can lie, keep a straight face and not miss a beat.

 

Just all messed up, I had a bad feeling about all of this but I still got married. I feel like I have been manipulated the whole marriage but when she told me she was done she made me out to be the biggest POS which I am not perfect but I have good head on my shoulders, provide, good Father.

 

We separated on the 1st. She sees the changes that I am making in myself and said the other day, I was going to take this separation and meet other people but I don't want to ruin a chance at reconciliation. I can't even imagine trying to get involved with anyone right now beside maybe a one night stand when ready.

 

This week she was very talkative when she moved in her friends place (no lease) then went out of town on a business trip and is just cold now. I am just over it. I am reading a book called out of the Fog which deals with Narcs and Codependents. I always thought perhaps she was BPD or something. She love bombed the **** out of me in the beginning. It's like I know she is bad for me but I have trauma bonding or something. I feel like I need to address why I would get involved in the first place.

 

Funny thing she said I was either a Narc or Bi-Polar. I know I am not a Narc. She had her boobs done, and wants to do them again. She loves her self, tells me she is vain, just straight up.

 

I am working on myself though while she is out drinking and working 18 hour days. Funny, she mentioned the other day how I am going to IC, gym, enrolled in college in Jan and she hasn't done anything. I guess in the end I will be stronger.

 

Thanks for reading. One last thing, I feel like I cannot bring up the night I found her at the coworkers house, she gets mad. She even said in a conversation how I spun out of control because I trusted my gut intuition and checked for myself. I told her damn well she would do the same which she agreed. I don't think she would every admit it unless I caught them in the act. The fact that she wasn't understanding or trying to alleviate my fears screamed that something was going on.

 

O, the coworker is 50 and she kept acting like he was too old and she would never do that. I am like, 50 isn't that old, when I am 50 I would do a 33 year old, why not. I am 40 in 2 years. But yeah she kept putting him down like she had higher standards.

 

Looks like I will be retired after 20 years in the Military, pension and healthcare for lie. No debt and a nice nest egg I have been working on since I was 22. Meanwhile she has about $50k in debt (student loans and credit cards) and will be getting a new car soon which will probably be another $30k. Said she wants to spend money now that she makes $50k a year, yeah she is going to have a rude awakening when she drops from my health insurance. She is in constant chronic pain and takes tons of meds, gets Botox that is covered by my insurance and everything else. I wanted to create a life for us so we could travel but looks like I will be doing that solo while she stresses out about work and chasing material things. One thing I did right was to have separate bank accounts, never signing with her for debt and having a pre-nup that protects my assets and pension.

 

She doesn't deserve me. God have mercy on the next victim.

Edited December 6, 2018 by fishguy1999

[Marc878]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. So let me give you an update to the situation about finding her car at a co-workers house.

 

So Friday morning, after Thanksgiving, I shoot her a text and email basically saying I know what is going on. I know I shouldn't have but I said either you come home now and end the affair or I am walking.

 

I sent the text at like 0730. At 0934 I get a email that said "I will have my stuff moved into storage (I told her I wanted all the stuff out of the house) and she thanked me for having the separation paperwork that she has been asking for. That was it, so I took it that she admitted to the affair since she said nothing other wise to the text or email.

 

So I go about my day and she starts calling my phone. It's about 1330 and I am at the gym. Calls like 8 times and then says, I am home. With her email from earlier I told her that I did not feel comfortable talking right now and was protecting my heart. She said "it's not what you think".

 

Bud it's exactly what you think

 

So I get home and she starts getting upset that I went out there. I told her I am not going to have you getting angry with me, I am about to leave the house, I am not putting up with this. She even yelled at me, even called me bad names like faggot or something. I just couldn't believe it.

 

I took my shower and she starts crying saying that she didn't cheat. Like crazy crying saying that there were people there, but I said I only saw two cars in the drive. She was like "well the drive is big etc." I said bull****. Anyways, I am trying to tell her how I found her and why I was suspicious and she keeps interrupting me, like every word I say she keeps having to say something. I sternly and raise my voice to "LET ME TALK'. She told me she was staying at a female bosses place and she lied. She text at 8 pm saying she was tired and going to sleep, she lied. She told me there were a lot of people over at the house partying. She said she wanted to party and have fun. She even mentioned how she was upset that her only weekend off she had to come home, I told her she didn't have too and if she read what I wrote she would know that. I told her so you want to go party and have your fun and on Thanksgiving while I am alone I find your car in a coworkers place at 0430 in the morning. Sorry for inconveniencing you. Like that is some evil ****. She doesn't love me, that isn't love. Who does this. I shouldn't be surprised, this isn't the first time she has left me and went on a binder partying and carrying on. They even do cocaine at this house, she says she doesn't but smoke some weed, which I don't mind, hell I can't wait to do that.

 

It's a full blown sexual affair. Cheaters lie a lot

 

She says she just wanted to party and that there were a ton of people there. I know that wasn't her first night there because I have Google activity starting back in Oct 20, which was a day after D-Day that she started searching this specific address.

 

Trust your instincts

 

Also, she said she told everyone at the coworkers place that I came by. She told my neighbor, told her Mom, her friends. I told my mom and my ex-wife because I was supposed to pick the kids up that Friday but I was up for 41 hours and couldn't drive. I didn't go into details just the facts of what I saw. My STBXW went and pretty much told everyone making it look like it was a total misunderstanding and that I was crazy.

 

Cheater script trying to cover her tracks

 

I asked her to explain the searches from his address to sun tan city, to a drug store, to downtown. Now keep in mind I have dates starting from Oct 20 (D-Day was 19 Oct) up until the current day. She knows I am very savvy with computers. She couldn't explain it, she kept saying "I don't know, I search for address around the area". I said bull****, Google takes your current location and then adds a record of it. It is 1's and 0's, it's math.

 

Cheaters lie a lot. I don't know is common

 

So she totally denies it and I almost believe her. Like she is so convincing. I have seen her lie to other people though so I know what she is capable of, she can lie, keep a straight face and not miss a beat.

 

Denial is common to those betrayed. Swallowing the lies is more comfortable than dealing with the truth

 

Just all messed up, I had a bad feeling about all of this but I still got married. I feel like I have been manipulated the whole marriage but when she told me she was done she made me out to be the biggest POS which I am not perfect but I have good head on my shoulders, provide, good Father.

 

You made a mistake marrying her. Don't make a bigger one by wallowing in infidelity

We separated on the 1st. She sees the changes that I am making in myself and said the other day, I was going to take this separation and meet other people but I don't want to ruin a chance at reconciliation. I can't even imagine trying to get involved with anyone right now beside maybe a one night stand when ready.

 

You aren't ready to date. Reconcilliation? Would you marry her again? That's what you'd be doing

 

This week she was very talkative when she moved in her friends place (no lease) then went out of town on a business trip and is just cold now. I am just over it. I am reading a book called out of the Fog which deals with Narcs and Codependents. I always thought perhaps she was BPD or something. She love bombed the **** out of me in the beginning. It's like I know she is bad for me but I have trauma bonding or something. I feel like I need to address why I would get involved in the first place.

 

You should read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download and it's short

 

Funny thing she said I was either a Narc or Bi-Polar. I know I am not a Narc. She had her boobs done, and wants to do them again. She loves her self, tells me she is vain, just straight up.

 

I am working on myself though while she is out drinking and working 18 hour days. Funny, she mentioned the other day how I am going to IC, gym, enrolled in college in Jan and she hasn't done anything. I guess in the end I will be stronger.

 

Only if you take full control of your life instead of giving it to others

 

Thanks for reading. One last thing, I feel like I cannot bring up the night I found her at the coworkers house, she gets mad. She even said in a conversation how I spun out of control because I trusted my gut intuition and checked for myself. I told her damn well she would do the same which she agreed. I don't think she would every admit it unless I caught them in the act. The fact that she wasn't understanding or trying to alleviate my fears screamed that something was going on.

 

She's not Reconcilliation material. Zero remourse. You don't spend the night with another man and just watch tv. Wake up

O, the coworker is 50 and she kept acting like he was too old and she would never do that. I am like, 50 isn't that old, when I am 50 I would do a 33 year old, why not. I am 40 in 2 years. But yeah she kept putting him down like she had higher standards.

 

Bull****. They always affair down. And cheaters lie a lot

 

Looks like I will be retired after 20 years in the Military, pension and healthcare for lie. No debt and a nice nest egg I have been working on since I was 22. Meanwhile she has about $50k in debt (student loans and credit cards) and will be getting a new car soon which will probably be another $30k. Said she wants to spend money now that she makes $50k a year, yeah she is going to have a rude awakening when she drops from my health insurance. She is in constant chronic pain and takes tons of meds, gets Botox that is covered by my insurance and everything else. I wanted to create a life for us so we could travel but looks like I will be doing that solo while she stresses out about work and chasing material things. One thing I did right was to have separate bank accounts, never signing with her for debt and having a pre-nup that protects my assets and pension.

 

She doesn't deserve me. God have mercy on the next victim.

 

If you're smart you'll get yourself out of this quagmire ASAP. The only one who can keep you in this is you

[fishguy1999]

You’re right Marc. Deep down everything you said I know. Thanks for the advice. I guess I will never get the truth from her but I shouldn’t expect someone who can cheat, end the marriage then lie about it to be truthful.