Paternity Fraud

[Ellin]

My partner has children from his previous R (marriage). He was cheated on throughout the marriage.

 

 

He only found out about the cheating when the marriage collapsed and soon after he had a hard realisation - that the oldest of his kids might not be his, due to the multiple infidelities and the fact that there is little resemblance between him and the child.

 

 

The child is now early teens and keeps talking and asking about the lack of resemblance, saying things like "where did I get my genes from?", etc.

 

 

My partner does not want to confront the situation and deal with potential consequences of finding out what the truth is, so he carries on "as normal".

 

 

Meanwhile, I came across some info and a found a photo (online) of a man which could be the real father because of circumstances and the fact that he looks very much like the child. He truly looks like the missing piece of the puzzle.

 

 

Before seeing the photo I was also in two minds about the paternity. I tended to think that my partner was not the biological father but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. Ever since I saw the photo, I am personally convinced that the man in the photo is the biological father.

 

 

My partner and I have a child together as well.

 

 

I have not said anything to anyone about the photo but I struggle to live with the deception.

 

 

Any thoughts?

[Rockdad]

These are terrible situations. Is it not his and the Ex's decision to make with this child? You may not agree on how he is dealing and handling it but what you put in this post I don't see where you should be involved in it. Show the picture you found to your partner if you have not and let him decide.

[Ellin]

These are terrible situations. Is it not his and the Ex's decision to make with this child? You may not agree on how he is dealing and handling it but what you put in this post I don't see where you should be involved in it. Show the picture you found to your partner if you have not and let him decide.

 

 

Thank you for your reply Rockdad.

 

 

You are right, it is not my place to get involved into anything like telling the child and I would never think of doing that. This is why I have not told anyone.

 

 

The mother will surely not tell, unless some day she has a reason to spite someone, which would be typical of her - she is not a very nice and honest person obviously. She has been happy to deceive my partner for many years and get him to pay for everything for the child as well as play the role of a father, which he puts a lot of effort into.

 

 

As for showing him the photo, I would like to and this is all I would think of doing, but I'm scared that it would turn against me somehow. For example he might not actually want to know? I have no idea.

 

 

 

I am a person who likes to know the truth or so I believe. If the truth is difficult, so be it. It needs to be known and dealt with. I hate lies and deception. I also have to lie to our child about having this half-sibling while they are more than likely not genetically related at all.

 

 

So anyway, I am scared of the possibility that my partner would resent me showing him the photo.

 

 

I remember being in a very similar situation when we weren't yet a couple. He was still with his ex and she was cheating on him. He suspected but didn't know for sure and he was in turmoil. I wanted him to know the truth but didn't tell him for similar reasons. We were friends that time, not very close ones.

 

 

Eventually he discovered the truth himself because that time he wanted to know it.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Ellin

[TheRainbow]

If you do bring your suspicions to him and show him the picture keep in mind.

 

From a legal perspective, he likely would still be responsible for the child. I know when I found out my daughter wasn't biologically my husband's I told him. He made the choice to remain her life and wanted nothing to change. If I hadn't, ten, fifteen years down the line, he'd be responsible unless the biological father showed up. It's not fair, and I hate that I'm in that group of women who got pregnant from an affair.

 

But from a moral perspective, how is his relationship with the child. Because if he wants to know the truth, and the child needs to know the truth, how he approaches this may or may not vary. Because this child likely looks at him as Dad. If he turns out not to be the father through DNA testing, that relationship dynamic will change.

[Ellin]

I think that my partner suspecting he might not be a father is quite different from knowing he isn't the father. While he doesn't have the certainty, he is kind of unhappy because of the doubts, but there is still hope that he might be the father.

 

 

Once he would know he isn't the father, he would of course be devastated and would have to face so many problems if he decided to make things known. I have a hard time guessing what he would do. He is the type who prefers not to deal with problems if avoiding them is possible.

 

 

When it comes to the child, it would be devastating as well, especially since the mother is not a good mother at all and the child already has issues. My partner is one of very few stable and supportive elements in the child's life.

 

 

 

On the other hand the child is already confused about their looks and questions their place among the family, although questioning the paternity never seems to have occurred to the child. Keeping up the deception is keeping a huge part of the child's identity a secret.

 

 

What if the truth comes out at some point in future? What if it's years later, maybe far into adulthood? The consequences might be worse if the truth is discovered later on.

 

 

I'm just listing my dilemmas here, not trying to come up with any kind of plan of action.

[Ellin]

If you do bring your suspicions to him and show him the picture keep in mind.

 

From a legal perspective, he likely would still be responsible for the child. I know when I found out my daughter wasn't biologically my husband's I told him. He made the choice to remain her life and wanted nothing to change. If I hadn't, ten, fifteen years down the line, he'd be responsible unless the biological father showed up. It's not fair, and I hate that I'm in that group of women who got pregnant from an affair.

 

But from a moral perspective, how is his relationship with the child. Because if he wants to know the truth, and the child needs to know the truth, how he approaches this may or may not vary. Because this child likely looks at him as Dad. If he turns out not to be the father through DNA testing, that relationship dynamic will change.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing this, Rainbow. I think many men in this kind of situation would want nothing to change and the reason can be because they're so good hearted and has formed a deep bond with the child in question or it could be because they don't want to deal with the consequences of the truth coming out - or a mixture of both.

 

 

I think in my partner case it would be the mixture of both and he might also want nothing to change. After all, he has suspicions but has not done anything to learn the truth.

 

 

It is commendable that you told your husband as soon as you knew. I believe that my partner's ex knew either from the start or from when the child was young. She at the very least must have known that this was a possibility. When she got pregnant she and him weren't even married yet. They had been in a R for some time but not very long - a few years at most. She could have dealth with it back then, while there weren't many ties between them, but she chose to continue being with him and keeping him in the dark - as well as cheating on him with various men throughout. She told me that this was just her nature - she could not be with just one man (I know her but we don't speak any more).

 

 

What about your daughter, though? Does she not have a right to know the truth? What if she finds out some day by some weird stroke of fate? These are rhetorical questions, you don't have to answer them. I do understand that it is easier to not tell the truth and hope that it will never come out than destroy your child's world as she knows it.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Ellin

[TheRainbow]

What about your child, though? Does she not have a right to know the truth? What if she finds out some day by some weird stroke of fate? These are rhetorical questions, you don't have to answer them. I do understand that it is easier to not tell the truth and hope that it will never come out than destroy your child's world as she knows it.

 

I know what you're saying. My daughter is only ten months old. The biological father knows, and has "threatened" to take us to court. But that was after his wife found out about the affair, and I have since blocked him, and nothing since.

 

My daughter will find out one day. I plan on telling her when she is old enough to understand.

[Ellin]

I know what you're saying. My daughter is only ten months old. The biological father knows, and has "threatened" to take us to court. But that was after his wife found out about the affair, and I have since blocked him, and nothing since.

 

My daughter will find out one day. I plan on telling her when she is old enough to understand.

 

 

Oh, I see. Thank you for explaining.

 

 

I wish you all the best. You're doing it the right way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have not said anything to anyone about the photo but I struggle to live with the deception.

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

What deception? Your partner is fully aware of the possibilities and the answer is a cheek swab away - but he doesn't want to know. No one is being deceived.

 

I see this often here from "second" spouses or partners, they want to stick their nose into the interface with the ex and kids. It's simply not your battle to fight and one that leaves your motives open to question.

 

Best left alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Veronica73]

OMG, by ALL means, STAY OUT OF IT. It is absolutely none of your business. He’s already said he knows that the child possibly isn’t biologically his. And unless your partner is a complete moron, I’m sure he knows there is a very simple way to find out for sure- genetic testing.

 

And what difference does it make if his other son is genetically related to your kid? Why would that be something that you need to tell your kid?

 

And yeah, I think your motives might be suspect if you brought it up. I’m kind of questioning if you might have selfish motives for making it an issue myself.

[Simple Logic]

Depending on where you live, a child born during a marriage is by law the husbands. Paternity test be damned.

[Ellin]

Deception is there because my partner doesn't know the truth, he only suspects that it could be the case. He is scared to find out IMO. It means that he has conflicting emotions, not that he doesn't want to know necessarily. He himself mentions it every now and then, things such as "Is this actually my child? This is the question!". And the child asks questions like "Where did I get my genes from?". The child is being told lies about their identity by the mother and potential lies (from his POV) by the father. You don't see any deception here at all?

 

 

 

I don't think that from an ethical POV it is so absolutely clear that not knowing or hiding the truth is the right way to go.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

 

Deception is there because my partner doesn't know the truth, he only suspects that it could be the case. He is scared to find out IMO. It means that he has conflicting emotions, not that he doesn't want to know necessarily. He himself mentions it every now and then, things such as "Is this actually my child? This is the question!". And the child asks questions like "Where did I get my genes from?". The child is being told lies about their identity by the mother and potential lies (from his POV) by the father. You don't see any deception here at all?

 

 

 

I don't think that from an ethical POV it is so absolutely clear that not knowing or hiding the truth is the right way to go.

 

 

The selfish motive could be the hopes of giving you, (and possibly your child), a step up in importance over his ex and his other son. Heck, maybe you’re hoping he won’t spend as much money on the other kid when he finds out he isn’t biologically his. I’m not saying that’s true, but it’s an easy conclusion to come to. It doesn’t look good.

 

And sure, he has mixed feelings. But those are his to deal with. He’s a grown man and he can decide what to do on his own. It’s none of your business. If he really wanted to know the truth he EASILY could have found out already. You are meddling. If he asks for your input, fine.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

The selfish motive could be the hopes of giving you, (and possibly your child), a step up in importance over his ex and his other son. Heck, maybe you’re hoping he won’t spend as much money on the other kid when he finds out he isn’t biologically his. I’m not saying that’s true, but it’s an easy conclusion to come to. It doesn’t look good.

 

And sure, he has mixed feelings. But those are his to deal with. He’s a grown man and he can decide what to do on his own. It’s none of your business. If he really wanted to know the truth he EASILY could have found out already. You are meddling. If he asks for your input, fine. Otherwise, stay the eff out of it.

 

Also, on a more selfish note, I doubt he wants his current partner to remind him that he was a cuckold.

 

 

My motives are not the issue here. The issue is the deception and the fact that both the father and the child are confused and worried, and they both feel that something is off. The child is preoccupied with trying to understand why they look the way they do. The child talks about it regularly, including in front of people they barely know. It doesn't seem like the issue is going to go away.

 

 

The question of what is good for a child in a situation like this by no means has a clear and obvious answer. Whichever way things go, there is potential for harm. Destroying the child's world by telling them the truth is obviously harmful, but the fact is that that world that is being destroyed is based on a lie anyway. The lie could always become known later on and in these cases the later the truth comes out the worse. Plus everyone has a right to know who they really are, so there is no simple answer.

 

 

I don't know what your ideas about Rs are but IMO my partner's problems are not something that has nothing at all to do with me. Like I said, he also mentions the issue regularly to me when it comes up, but I usually don't make any comments because it is such a sensitive issue that I don't know what to say, especially since I have more info than he does.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

Also, Veronica and Mr Lucky - no, it is not a simple thing to do a DNA test. First of all, as far as I understand, according to the law in this country, the mother has to agree to the test being done, which she will not do.

 

 

 

Secondly, the child would have to be involved in the test and told why and this makes it so much harder. He might want to know for himself, before making any decision about how to proceed, but this is impossible, because at least the decision to disclose the truth to the child has to be taken before the test is done.

 

 

 

So no, it is not a simple or easy thing to do at all. It is not like a pregnancy test which a woman can do in private without having to involve and inform another soul and then she can make decisions. It requires involving many people, including the child in question, and possibly a family court, and paying vast amounts of money for it.

 

 

Not "just a cheek swab away". Not at all.

[Veronica73]

My motives are not the issue here. The issue is the deception and the fact that both the father and the child are confused and worried, and they both feel that something is off. The child is preoccupied with trying to understand why they look the way they do. The child talks about it regularly, including in front of people they barely know. It doesn't seem like the issue is going to go away.

 

 

The question of what is good for a child in a situation like this by no means has a clear and obvious answer. Whichever way things go, there is potential for harm. Destroying the child's world by telling them the truth is obviously harmful, but the fact is that that world that is being destroyed is based on a lie anyway. The lie could always become known later on and in these cases the later the truth comes out the worse. Plus everyone has a right to know who they really are, so there is no simple answer.

 

 

I don't know what your ideas about Rs are but IMO my partner's problems are not something that has nothing at all to do with me. Like I said, he also mentions the issue regularly to me when it comes up, but I usually don't make any comments because it is such a sensitive issue that I don't know what to say, especially since I have more info than he does.

 

The only reason I said those things was because you ASKED what possible selfish motives you could have. So I came up with a couple of possibilities.

 

1. The child in question isn’t your child.

2. The adult in question is a grown man capable of making his own decisions and working through things on his own time.

3. He could easily have more info if he wanted to. It’s not difficult or expensive.

4. The truth coming out later isn’t always worse. For example, maybe when somebody is an established adult instead of a teenager. I mean seriously, I’m sure most people, including teenagers are aware of the ready availability of genetic testing.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

And FIY the photo and the identity of the man who I strongly believe is the real father is not something I have just discovered. It was at least a couple of years ago when it happened.

 

 

I have since discussed it with a few people who assure anonymity, including a psychologist (whose opinion was that children should be told about their real identity and that was in their best interest, and that the earlier in their life it happened, the better).

[Ellin]

The only reason I said those things was because you ASKED what possible selfish motives you could have. So I came up with a couple of possibilities.

 

1. The child in question isn’t your child.

2. The adult in question is a grown man capable of making his own decisions and working through things on his own time.

3. He could easily have more info if he wanted to. It’s not difficult or expensive.

4. The truth coming out later isn’t always worse. For example, maybe when somebody is an established adult instead of a teenager. I mean seriously, I’m sure most people, including teenagers are aware of the ready availability of genetic testing.

 

 

1. So? Am I talking about involving myself with the child?

 

2. Am I stopping him from making his decisions?

3. No, he could not. It is difficult, expensive and potentially impossible in the country we are in because of the law.

4. The truth coming out later is usually worse, although not always.

 

 

Yes, I asked you what motives you were thinking about but you were the one who began talking about my motives in the first place. Again, speaking in your vein, my motives are none of your business.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

The fact that in your country, genetic testing isn’t available is new information and changes things a little bit I guess.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

The fact that in your country, genetic testing isn’t available is new information and changes things a little bit I guess. But either way, it’s no skin off my back. I gave my opinion. No need to get butt hurt.

 

 

 

I am not "trying to show my partner that his child isn't his". He is the one who brought this up to me in the first place and has been mentioning it ever since fairly regularly. It is hard for me to be sure whether he wants or doesn't want to know and as I have additional info that he is not privy to, I am wondering if giving him this info is the right thing to do.

 

 

Yes, you are not the only one who thinks I should not - that is pretty obvious. There are many people whose opinion is the contrary.

 

 

 

That's why I mentioned a dilemma with which I have lived for years now.

 

 

Thank you for your "advice" again.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

You’re “welcome”.

[elaine567]

Stay out of it. NO good will come of this.

 

 

You would be interfering in what doesn't concern you, I guess for your own agenda.

Leave it be.

 

If this goes pear shaped and there is a good chance that it will, they will likely shoot the messenger and that is you.

The repercussions of this may be phenomenal.

Your partner may lose his son, whether or not he is the father.

The son may disown your partner, he may be a bit upset that your partner was trying to prove that the boy wasn't his.

The mother may prevent your partner from contacting the boy. The boy may be rejected by his siblings or isolate himself as he is no longer "one of them"...

The other man may not be best pleased at getting involved and there may be implications for his wife and family too.

 

If DNA testing is difficult to procure in your country, then a photo is not "proof" of anything and a whole lot of trouble may be kicked off for what may turn out to be utter nonsense.

[Ellin]

Stay out of it. NO good will come of this.

 

 

You would be interfering in what doesn't concern you, I guess for your own agenda.

Leave it be.

 

If this goes pear shaped and there is a good chance that it will, they will likely shoot the messenger and that is you.

The repercussions of this may be phenomenal.

Your partner may lose his son, whether or not he is the father.

The son may disown your partner, he may be a bit upset that your partner was trying to prove that the boy wasn't his.

The mother may prevent your partner from contacting the boy. The boy may be rejected by his siblings or isolate himself as he is no longer "one of them"...

The other man may not be best pleased at getting involved and there may be implications for his wife and family too.

 

If DNA testing is difficult to procure in your country, then a photo is not "proof" of anything and a whole lot of trouble may be kicked off for what may turn out to be utter nonsense.

 

 

 

 

Yeah.

 

 

Or any number of other scenarios might happen.

 

 

The other man might be delighted to find out that he has a child and introduce them to the rest of the family.

 

 

The child after initial shock might be relieved to discover their real origins and finally find answers to the questions that have been bothering them for so long.

 

 

My partner might still have contact as the man who raised the child.

 

 

Etc etc.. Or in case of this not being disclosed, it may come out years later when more of their life have been lived in a lie and maybe disrupt not only their life but also the lives of their children.

 

 

Maybe it will come out when the real father is dead and they will always regret never having a chance to meet him.

 

 

Maybe there will be a medical emergency and the truth will come out in the most traumatic moment when someone is very unwell and dealing with many other things.

 

 

Etc etc etc...

 

 

What I am actually wondering here is whether I should tell my partner about this additional info I have. What I have is not just a photo but also circumstacial stuff which combined with the photo makes a very strong "case". What he would do with this information would be entirely his decision.

 

 

 

You are right that if anything happens as a result, the messenger might be shot which is one of the reasons I've never said a word and lived with this knowledge for a long time. Other reasons concern not wanting to hurt my partner and this child.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

It is not me who has been deceiving my partner and this child in the cruellest, most conniving way for many years for no good reason, for an "agenda", knowing full well the possibility of enormous harm being caused by this.

 

 

You do not know "the truth" here.

You may be putting 2 and 2 together and making 27, you may be so far out it is laughable.

Your partner is calling the shots here, it is his call to make not yours. If he comes to you and says I need to get to the bottom of this then by all means help him, but if you get into the middle of him and his son and force "the truth" on him unasked for, it will be you that comes off worst I guess, especially so if you are completely wrong...

[anika99]

You say this is his oldest child. If has been with this child since his day of birth, has bonded with the child and played the role of father to this child, then as far as I'm concerned he is the child's dad regardless of who the sperm donor is. Why is it so important that everyone has to find out that this isn't his biological child? Why is this an issue that has become your business?

 

Also you say it's very difficult to get a paternity test done where you live, maybe even impossible. If that's the case why are you even worrying over something that may not be provable. If there are so many obstacles blocking you from finding out the truth then just drop it and go about your life. You may never know for sure so best to just get over it and move on.