Paternity Fraud

[Ellin]

You do not know "the truth" here.

You may be putting 2 and 2 together and making 27, you may be so far out it is laughable.

Your partner is calling the shots here, it is his call to make not yours. If he comes to you and says I need to get to the bottom of this then by all means help him, but if you get into the middle of him and his son and force "the truth" on him unasked for, it will be you that comes off worst I guess, especially so if you are completely wrong...

 

 

If you saw and knew what I did you would believe what I believe. I know that I cannot have certainty without a dna test, but if something looks like a duck and quacks, you know what it is.

 

 

He won't come to me and ask me to help him to get to the bottom of this. He doesn't know that I have any information. He doesn't know there is anything out there that he can get other than a dna test, which is very complicated as I described.

 

 

He did say many times "Is it actually my child?" or "I don't know if it is my child" or even "It isn't my child" but as he cannot have certainty, there is still hope there that it is his child which would of course be the most desirable outcome, since it wouldn't involve any possible negative consequences. Which does not mean he isn't constantly bothered by questions and doubts. Just like the child is.

 

 

Does that satisfy your criteria for being allowed to just consider the option of telling him about the info I have? If he doesn't know I have the info he will not directly ask about it.

[anika99]

Yeah.

 

 

Or any number of other scenarios might happen.

 

 

The other man might be delighted to find out that he has a child and introduce them to the rest of the family.

 

 

The child after initial shock might be relieved to discover their real origins and finally find answers to the questions that have been bothering them for so long.

 

 

My partner might still have contact as the man who raised the child.

 

 

Etc etc.. Or in case of this not being disclosed, it may come out years later when more of their life have been lived in a lie and maybe disrupt not only their life but also the lives of their children.

 

 

Maybe it will come out when the real father is dead and they will always regret never having a chance to meet him.

 

 

Maybe there will be a medical emergency and the truth will come out in the most traumatic moment when someone is very unwell and dealing with many other things.

 

 

Etc etc etc...

 

 

What I am actually wondering here is whether I should tell my partner about this additional info I have. What I have is not just a photo but also circumstacial stuff which combined with the photo makes a very strong "case". What he would do with this information would be entirely his decision.

 

 

 

You are right that if anything happens as a result, the messenger might be shot which is one of the reasons I've never said a word and lived with this knowledge for a long time. Other reasons concern not wanting to hurt my partner and this child.

 

 

 

And please stop talking about my agenda or motives and being so judgemental. You just have no clue. It is not me who has been deceiving my partner and this child in the cruellest, most conniving way for many years for no good reason, for an "agenda", knowing full well the possibility of enormous harm being caused by this.

 

 

Stop making me the bad guy in all of this.

 

At this point the consequences of pursuing this are much more likely to be negative rather than positive.

 

Most men are not delighted to find out they have children as a result of a long ago fling. Especially if they are now married with children. A child coming out of the woodwork can be a threat to their current family and finances.

 

The kid could go looking for their biological father only to wind up being rejected. This happened to a good friend of mine. She was deeply hurt and she was an adult at the time. Can't imagine how much more it would have messed her up if she was just a child or a teen.

 

Your partner could consciously or subconsciously start distancing himself from the child because his parental feelings many change.

 

Or it may be discovered that your partner is the biological parent but the child will be hurt that he was asked to prove it.

 

Whatever the fallout it will hurt the kid the most. If he is a preteen or teen this is already a very volatile vulnerable time for him. He has already lost his father by way of divorce and he's trying to navigate his hormones and becoming a man. Not a good time to be introducing this topic.

 

Since the child has the most to lose and will be the most impacted it's not fair to force this on him right now. If he has doubts about his father then he can pursue that on his own when he becomes an adult and can better handle the consequences.

[Art_Critic]

Why would you want to be part of causing so much pain as losing your own child can be ?

 

BTW, there is a reason pictures aren't used for paternity...

 

IMO, he is aware of everything and it's his choice but if you go further with this then you will possibly be causing him unnecessary hurt.. and for what ?

 

I say you live your life without making this an issue..

[beatcuff]

...when the marriage collapsed and soon after he had a hard realisation - that the oldest of his kids might not be his...My partner does not want to confront the situation and deal with potential consequences...Ever since I saw the photo, I am personally convinced that the man in the photo is the biological father...My partner and I have a child together as well...I struggle to live with the deception...Any thoughts?

OP i took the original post and pulled out so telling parts: he knows the child might not be his; he is choosing to accept his father title while the actual paternity is uncertain; you are convinced he is not; but (as a later post stated) an actual test is not available (ex will not consent); you are concerned of the impact on your child (inferred, you can deny all you want but it is obvious --- and that is fine, nothing wrong with defending your biological child). you ask for thoughts, but when offered ones that do not align with yours you attack.

 

here is the hard truth - no ONLY way to confirm paternity is with a test. and that is not happening: even if H wanted it. looking like someone is meaningless, especially when you are desperate to prove it, you see what you want then taint others by pointing out x and ignoring y: go watch Maury Povich --- i am 1000% sure, oh wait there was this other guy.

 

my take, your only option is wait until that child comes of age then beg, berate or issue an ultimatum to force a test... if it comes back his: you have a mess to clean up; if it does not: you have a mess to clean up; if it does not AND H doesn't care: you have a mess to clean up; and if either the child or H refuse --- good news you only have a mess.

 

i trust you now get the point (the others made) YOU pressing this issue will not end well.

[Ellin]

At this point the consequences of pursuing this are much more likely to be negative rather than positive.

 

Most men are not delighted to find out they have children as a result of a long ago fling. Especially if they are now married with children. A child coming out of the woodwork can be a threat to their current family and finances.

 

The kid could go looking for their biological father only to wind up being rejected. This happened to a good friend of mine. She was deeply hurt and she was an adult at the time. Can't imagine how much more it would have messed her up if she was just a child or a teen.

 

Your partner could consciously or subconsciously start distancing himself from the child because his parental feelings many change.

 

Or it may be discovered that your partner is the biological parent but the child will be hurt that he was asked to prove it.

 

Whatever the fallout it will hurt the kid the most. If he is a preteen or teen this is already a very volatile vulnerable time for him. He has already lost his father by way of divorce and he's trying to navigate his hormones and becoming a man. Not a good time to be introducing this topic.

 

Since the child has the most to lose and will be the most impacted it's not fair to force this on him right now. If he has doubts about his father then he can pursue that on his own when he becomes an adult and can better handle the consequences.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your (finally non-judgemental) opinion.

 

 

Regarding the man who I think is the father, he is single. I'm not sure if he has children, but he is not in any R right now and hasn't been for a while. Yes, I have quite a few details about him and his life and the info came to me by chance. I have never met him but I've seen a good bit of photos and information on his SM and he looks like a really nice man.

 

 

The child has been desperately asking questions for years, such as "am I adopted?", "why do I not look like anyone in the family?" etc. Nearly every other time I see the child, the question comes up.

 

 

Still, I am not trying to make the truth known to the child. I am just wondering if telling my partner all that I know is the right thing to do (repeating myself again).

[Ellin]

OP i took the original post and pulled out so telling parts: he knows the child might not be his; he is choosing to accept his father title while the actual paternity is uncertain; you are convinced he is not; but (as a later post stated) an actual test is not available (ex will not consent); you are concerned of the impact on your child (inferred, you can deny all you want but it is obvious --- and that is fine, nothing wrong with defending your biological child). you ask for thoughts, but when offered ones that do not align with yours you attack.

 

here is the hard truth - no ONLY way to confirm paternity is with a test. and that is not happening: even if H wanted it. looking like someone is meaningless, especially when you are desperate to prove it, you see what you want then taint others by pointing out x and ignoring y: go watch Maury Povich --- i am 1000% sure, oh wait there was this other guy.

 

my take, your only option is wait until that child comes of age then beg, berate or issue an ultimatum to force a test... if it comes back his: you have a mess to clean up; if it does not: you have a mess to clean up; if it does not AND H doesn't care: you have a mess to clean up; and if either the child or H refuse --- good news you only have a mess.

 

i trust you now get the point (the others made) YOU pressing this issue will not end well.

 

 

Wow. I have no idea how I write one thing but people read another.

 

 

I do not want to ENFORCE anything. I'm as far from that as can be.

 

 

 

There is a whole lot of information that I have not given as it would have to be a really long story, plus I don't want to give too much info on a public site. I just have very good reasons to believe that the man in the photo is the exact man my partner's ex was also with around the time she got pregnant. The child looks nothing like either of their parents or siblings but this man looks exactly like the child and they both have certain unusual characteristics.

 

 

And I will repeat myself again - I am just wondering if giving him this info is the right thing to do. Where in this do you see any indication that I want to enforce anything?

 

 

And no, my partner is not at peace with the doubts and questions, both in his own mind and those that he keeps hearing from the child.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

And no, my partner is not at peace with the doubts and questions, both in his own mind and those that he keeps hearing from the child.

 

Ellin, I'm going to assume you're attracted to him because he's intelligent and insightful. If so, why not let him work his way through this obviously difficult issue?

 

The son isn't that far from adulthood. As he crosses that threshold, he'll be able to ask his own questions and make his own inquiries. You might consider holding onto your information and opinions until then...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ellin]

Ellin, I'm going to assume you're attracted to him because he's intelligent and insightful. If so, why not let him work his way through this obviously difficult issue?

 

The son isn't that far from adulthood. As he crosses that threshold, he'll be able to ask his own questions and make his own inquiries. You might consider holding onto your information and opinions until then...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you for your opinion Mr Lucky.

 

 

You might notice that I have been doing just that for more than two years since I came across the info. Not exactly waiting until adulthood but just waiting and holding onto my info until I find some answer one way or another as to what is the best way to proceed. For now I just don't know because there isn't a simple obvious answer that is the right one without any doubts. This is why I have so far chosen to do nothing.

 

 

However, I also continue to have doubts and being bothered by this situation and that's why it keeps coming back to my mind, especially as it keeps being shoved in my face by having to constantly witness both the child and my partner asking questions. Plus, keeping this from my partner is negatively affecting my R, even though I am afraid that telling him would also possibly negatively affect my R.

 

 

 

And just to put it out there - what about the value of truth and honesty? Seems everyone here is very concerned about preserving the deception.

 

 

 

What about the words of Jesus "the truth shall set you free"? What about the saying that the worst truth is better than the best lie? What about the right of a man to know whether he is bringing up his own offspring or someone else's, so that he can make an informed choice about it? What about the right of the child to know who they are, who their family is, what their heritage is, what their health issues might be, perhaps inheritance? That is all on top of the fact that the truth may emerge any time if future causing more harm, because even if it never comes out, the child is depraved of their true identity.

 

 

To say that genes don't matter is simply not true.

 

 

Please understand that in saying all of that I don't mean that telling everyone is the best way to go - after all I have not told despite knowing what I know for a long while and I never considered getting in any way involved in telling the child - I only ever considered telling my partner. I'm just saying that there is a whole other side of this coin that everyone here seem to want to hush up.

 

 

I guess if someone you care about was cheated on by their spouse you also wouldn't tell them?

 

 

I have been lied to a lot in my life and nothing good ever came from it at all - on the contrary it caused untold damage to me. I hate lies and I don't lie myself.

 

 

A situation like this could be, at least in theory, handled with a lot of sensitivity and care, and a help of professionals, in order to minimise emotional harm and straighten up the twisted state of things, in which at least a few people live with a discomfort of sensing that something is amiss but not knowing what for sure.

 

 

If a child has repeatedly asked, over a few / several years, with great regularity, why they look the way they do, finding out the truth should at least be considered.

 

 

It doesn't have to necessarily have catastrophic consequences if handled in the best way it can be - although I'm still talking theoratically and not specifically about this situation and the people involved.

Edited November 23, 2018 by Ellin

[Wallysbears]

Your “proof” is a photo where you think the child resembles another man?

 

My child looks nothing like me. But I grew him in my body and birthed him and have the c-section scar to prove it.

 

Kids don’t need to look like parents to be genetically theirs.

 

Heck - there are TWINS that have been born with different colored skin. And yet they both grew in the same womb at the same time from the same exact parents.

 

Mind your own business. None of this concerns you.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

I believe in honesty but I also believe in timing, especially when dealing with children and teens. I'm assuming that right now his son does not have any health issues or terminal illness that requires a genetic back ground. With his parents divorcing, his dad moving out and having what sounds like an irresponsible mom I think the kid is coping with enough right now.

 

Again, you have said a paternity test may not be possible as it requires the mother's consent and vast sums of money. So what is your husband supposed to do with the information you are going to give him? No doubt it will stir up a lot of resentment and doubt in his mind and might even alter the feelings he has for his son but as your information is not actual proof it still leaves him in a state of confusion and not knowing for sure. If I knew the spouse of a friend was cheating on my friend I would make sure I was 100% positive before I told her and that I could provide the proof.

 

I believe in honesty but I also believe in respecting the boundaries of others. You said early on in this thread that your husband already has some doubt about this child but that he doesn't seem to want to know for sure. I think you should respect his feelings. At this point it isn't about being honest because he already has doubt and suspicion and all you are offering him is more doubt about something he doesn't wish to pursue, so now you would just be forcing this on him for your own reasons.

 

I'll tell you this. I have grandchildren and if someone thought one of them wasn't fathered by my son and came to me with pictures and timelines and other little tidbits of info I'd definitely think that person was overstepping and meddling. Even if I believed that person enough to pursue and even if it turned out that they were right I'd feel no gratitude towards them. I'd be mighty suspicious about that person's motivation, especially if that person just so happened to be my son's next partner or wife. It would be very hard for be to believe that she did so for altruistic reasons.

 

So go ahead and tell your husband if you want. I mean if you think that's the only principled and right thing to do, then I guess you have to. However don't expect any thanks or feelings of gratitude from anyone, because once the dust settles your actions will probably be viewed negatively.

[Stomper]

If he and his son are concerned, that's for them to sort out. All you should do is support him.

"Honesty and ethics" nolonger come into it. He knows she was unfaithful, and he knows there are question marks over his son's paternity.

 

As much as I hate to guess, I will give you an educated insight into your partner's thinking:

The boy is his son, and nothing is ever going to change that.

He has resigned himself to the likelihood that he is not the biological father, but sees no benefit in exploring that further. In fact he is a little frightened, that as much as he doesn't want it to, he's scared that knowing for certain might affect his feelings for his son.

He will do anything to protect his son, and therefore would want to shield his son from such knowledge.

Therefore he sees no upside to further investigation.

 

Be certain of one thing, if you damage the bond he has with his son, he will hate you for it.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

Your “proof” is a photo where you think the child resembles another man?

 

My child looks nothing like me. But I grew him in my body and birthed him and have the c-section scar to prove it.

 

Kids don’t need to look like parents to be genetically theirs.

 

Heck - there are TWINS that have been born with different colored skin. And yet they both grew in the same womb at the same time from the same exact parents.

 

Mind your own business. None of this concerns you.

 

 

No, it is not just a photo as I already stated multiple times. I have information that together with the photo makes it as obvious as it can be without a dna test.

 

 

It's not some random photo of a random stranger just because there is some similarity.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

I believe in honesty but I also believe in timing, especially when dealing with children and teens. I'm assuming that right now his son does not have any health issues or terminal illness that requires a genetic back ground. With his parents divorcing, his dad moving out and having what sounds like an irresponsible mom I think the kid is coping with enough right now.

 

 

I will just ask you that: what if your son came to you repeatedly expressing his doubts about his paternity because he knew that his wife had cheated on him around the child's conception and he knew that the child looked nothing like him or the siblings. What if your son was upset about it and didn't know what to do. What if that child themselves would keep asking why they look the way they do and where did they get their genes from. What if you witnessed that child asking these questions every other time you saw this child. What if you saw this child asking these questions to your son and telling people who are almost strangers "I don't know why look the way I do, I don't resemble anyone in my family". What if you constantly witnessed your son's and your grandchild's confusion and discomfort. What if you and your son knew 100% that his wife had cheated on him. Would you not feel strong emotions about this situation?

 

 

 

What if this was happening for a period of several years. And then someone approached you - a person who had also witnessed and knew all of this - and told you that they know something that might possibly shed more light onto the situation, without the intention of informing your grandchild.

 

 

 

Would you be just as judgemental? Do you have a vivid enough imagination to really know how you would then feel?

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude remark

[elaine567]

... someone approached you - a person who had also witnessed and knew all of this - and told you that they know something that might possibly shed more light onto the situation, without the intention of informing your grandchild.

 

Why did this "someone" approach you and not your partner or his ex wife or someone else in their immediate family with this?

Why you?

[Robert]

thread closed