Should I search for my lost/hidden family?

[sheilabezi]

Hello people! I’m a 20 year old girl who’s hesitating wether or not to make a decision that might change the rest of my life and I really need your help and thoughts on the matter.

 

I am half Persian through my dad and half Sicilian through my mom but have always lived in France. My dad, being one of six, has a huge family so I was brought up with them and his culture. My mom on the other hand doesn’t have any siblings and her mom is the only family member she has here. That being said, I basically don’t know anything about my Sicilian background and heritage and I am so eager to learn more about it. Unfortunately, my maternal grandfather passed away before my birth, so I’ve never had the chance to get to know him nor to ask him all of my questions. He has a brother and a sister who both still live in Sicily and who have kids. They all are in contact with my mom but I have never met them. I’ve traveled a lot in my life and I still do so I’ve been considering going to Sicily without buying a return ticket and just see how it goes. I know they want to meet me more than anything and so do I. That way I can also learn more about my Sicilian culture.

 

Now, here comes the more complicated part. My biggest dream was to meet my grandfather because he seemed like such a special person and my grandmother always tells me he and I would’ve gotten along really well because we have similar characters but like I mentioned, he passed before I was born. So naturally, I’ve asked many questions about him but the only person who’s willing to openly speak about him is my grandmother, his wife. My mother, for some reason, never wants to go into detail and I’ve never known why. All I know about him is that he owned a restaurant, was a respected and popular person, had lots of friends and that many people liked him. I know he was a good person with good intentions, only he might not have been the best father or husband. Now, I’ve recently found out that he has had affairs, I don’t know how many, and had other children with his mistresses. Again, I don’t know how many. My grandmother let it slip out once by mistake so I didn’t say anything at that moment. But ever since that day, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that my mom has half siblings out there, that I have half uncles and aunts and possibly cousins and my gut is telling me to look for them and find out who they are. I am dying to reconnect with my Italian roots and family and when I found out I might have closer family on my mom’s side than I thought I had, it was like a sign to me. But my question is, should I look for those people or not? Is it a good idea? Will it hurt my grandmother and especially my mom if I do? Would I be offending my family in Sicily by doing so? Also, my mom is a sensitive person and I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings by asking her if she’d mind (she doesn’t even know I know about this) and I really am not comfortable or ready to talk to her about this. My grandmother is less sensitive about this matter and I know she would not mind at all talking about this with me but I also need advice from people who don’t know me. What would you do in my place? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here but the idea of having a whole other family I know nothing about and doing nothing about it tortures my mind. (P.S. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for the way I was raised and love my paternal family to pieces, only I would’ve liked to know more about my mother’s culture and family while growing up). Thank you in advance, I appreciate your help!

[Gaeta]

My mother, for some reason, never wants to go into detail and I’ve never known why.

I think you need to further explore this before flying to Italy.

 

 

 

All I know about him is that he owned a restaurant, was a respected and popular person, had lots of friends and that many people liked him.

Those opinions come from people that have known him from the outside.

 

 

 

I know he was a good person with good intentions, only he might not have been the best father or husband.

So you should stop idealizing him. This is synomym of pain, distress, betrayal for your grand-mother and mother. You also don't know the details of it all, he may have been an alcoholic, he may have been verbally and physically violent. Men of his generation were not all angels.

 

 

 

By all means go ahead and explore your Italian roots just be realist toward your grand-father, he was a man from another place and another generation.

[sheilabezi]

Hello Gaeta, thank you for your reply.

 

I realized I forgot to mention an important detail while writing this. My grandparents met and married at a very young age and unfortunately, as years passed by, their love faded away. Only at that time divorce wasn’t really a thing and non of them wanted to put their daughter (so my mom) through that. So they came up with an agreement and decided they would be friends, only living together and that is when his affairs began. I am in no way excusing his actions because I am totally against infedelify, only I think it’s important to mention it.

 

Also, I am not exactly idolizing him, it’s just that both my grandfathers passed away before I was born and I’ve always felt a sort of “connection” to my maternal grandfather for some reason and would’ve really loved to get to know him. But once again, thank you for your reply. I’ll keep what you said in mind.

[SunnyWeather]

I say go for it, you'll probably get a nice vacation out of it in the process, and receive a treasure trove of memories to warm you for the rest of your life. I also recommend you hire or go with someone who speaks Italian, it will enhance your experience and help with making the distant family connections. If you know the name of the town, you should have no problem tracking relatives down.

 

From my experience with Italy and Sicily ( very different in many regards), the people/distant relations will welcome you with open arms. They are a very hospitable people. Oh, and be prepared to eat A LOT!

[elaine567]

You have to realise that whilst all this info is fascinating and like a soap opera to you, to those who actually lived it, like your mother and grandmother it may be still raw.

I did a bit of genealogy once and found out loads of interesting things from the records, but when I told some elderly members of my family what I had found they were less than excited and they actually got angry and shut me down saying all that stuff was private... and I had no business prying.

I was hoping for some more info and some back stories, photos etc. but they were not happy. To me these people were just names, to them they were people they actually knew, big difference.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you in advance, I appreciate your help!

 

I'd go without question. It's your heritage and you have as much right to it as any other family member.

 

When you eventually return to France, you'll have to be sensitive to people's feelings. Rather than offering information, let them ask and determine the degree to which they want to discuss. You sound intelligent and thoughtful, I'm sure you'll use the necessary discretion.

 

This isn't something you need someone else's permission to explore...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stomper]

Before you do anything, you need to step back and figure out what it really is you think you're looking for.

You've built your deceased Grandfather into some kind of obsession, and I'd have to wonder why?

Do you perhaps feel stifled by your father's culture?

 

Absolutely do not go looking for your Grandfather's bastard children. They are not your family, no matter how much you want to romanticise this idea of the lost family. However you want to spin it, your grandfather was a pig.

If your mother doesn't want to have a relationship with her father's bastards, then you will be betraying her if you try.

 

Embracing some different culture you believe you're magically connected to isn't going to set you free. Culture is cultural not biological.

 

Be the person you want to be. By all means don't be dictated to by your father's culture.

[dogloverof2]

I am currently researching my family history on my dad's side. I have found a few surprises, that I have had to share with my dad that he wasn't aware of...

 

Don't do anything extreme, go about this as entertainment. People before you had their life, their memories, their trials and tribulations. and the people after you will as well. Have no expectations of people that you only know of by conversations, that way you will not be disappointed or you could be pleasantly surprised.