Complicated issues, involves not moving and not wanting kids

[MisterLogical]

Been together with my wife for 10 years, 5 years dating, and 5 years married.

 

About 2 years ago we moved about an hour and a half from her hometown where we met and lived for our whole relationship. About a year before we moved she started saying how she wanted to move to a different city and wanted to try something new because she was bored. Once this job opportunity come for me, i decided to take it after discussing it with her and she basically saying it would be a good move for both of us.

 

She HATED moving. Even though we moved to a nicer and bigger apartment, within the first 10 seconds of walking in, she said she hated it. Even though we went from a 700 sq ft, to over 1300 sq ft, 2 bed 2 bath and garage town home.

 

She kept working for the same company, just a different branch, but hated her manager there. A year later she quit and found a new job she initially liked. A year after that, she started disliking her job and shortly after she started disliking the job she got fired. Looked for a job for about a week and then reached out to her old company and they wanted her back. So about 2 weeks after we moved within the same complex but a nicer apartment with better amenities, she decided to back to her hometown and we would go long distance. Once she moved back, she was immediately happier.

 

The plan was originally to move to the new city for 2-3 years then move somewhere when i can get a better position in my field.

 

On the having kids front, i told her before we got married that not kids is a deal breaker for me, because at one point she said she didnt want to have kids. Shortly after that she said she loved me and of course she'll have my kid. She kept flip flopping on the subject but in the last year, she sounded someone pro kid, with the final plan to have 1 kid and adopt a second kid.

 

During this last summer i had some interviews about some jobs that would take me out of state and as the process was moving i communicated that with her, and they were really good job opportunities(2x, 3x the salary). Her position was that she would want to move there with me after about 2 years of securing her career in her current job. I didnt end up getting any of those jobs.

 

About a month or two later she blindsides me by saying, " I dont want to move, and i dont want kids", which obviously hit me hard. We had a conversation about it and she said she wants me to be happy and wants me to have enough time to find someone to have kids with. After asking her what she would've done if i would've gotten any of the jobs over the summer, she said she would've let me go for 3-4 months and then would've broken things off.

 

No decisions were made initially, but after a couple of months of turmoil i decided that divorce would be the only option. She said she was willing to compromise and said she woulds stay in her current job for 3-5 years and then would move with me. However, having a kid meant staying in her hometown for family support. That didnt seem like a compromise for me, since i wouldnt be able to take any jobs that would open up in that period.

 

After i said i was going to file for divorce this week(this was 2-3 weeks ago), she said she would bring down the time table to a year or two.

 

My current position is that i dont believe what she says and she is just stalling. There is 1 potential job in her hometown that would a good career move for me, but i cant wait for the person currently taking that position to quit or find a new job and i believe that my wife is just stalling hoping that the job opens up.

 

I feel like she's flip flopping in these big issues and im having a hard time believing that she would change. I feel like even if she moves with me and has a kid, she would be absolutely miserable. During the time we moved to the new city i actually thought about divorce because she was so unhappy, but i never acted on it and just kinda weathered the storm. At this point, ive filed for divorce but havent finalized anything, but im having doubts and feelings about the whole thing because we've been together for so long. At the same time, i need someone who can commit and not change their mind only AFTER i said i was going to file for divorce. I feel like i cant trust her in keeping her commitment and she's just saying these things to keep me.

 

The relationship feels broken, even though i care for her, i havent been able to utter the words i miss you or i love you. In my eyes my trust and commitment have evaporated and i feel like the compromises on each end would be too big to actually have a happy life long term with no resentment, on my side from missing out on opportunities, and her side on having a child he might not want and moving away from friends and family.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

 

I should add that after our very first conversation i talked to some people and for our second serious conversation i suggested marriage counceling, but she said she doesnt think this is a type of issue that would be solved by that.

 

Later on she kinda brushed off all of the initial(pre me saying we're going to get a divorce) conversations as almost a mispeaking. She didnt take it as serious until is said the D word.

Edited November 23, 2018 by MisterLogical

[Wallysbears]

So, you either want your wife to move and have a kid in a new town where she has no family support *or* you want a divorce.

 

I suggest the divorce.

 

She doesn’t want kids and she doesn’t want to move.

[d0nnivain]

Even the Catholic church -- a rigid organization if there was one -- recognizes not wanting kids as a valid reason for annulling the marriage. They consider that change of heart as invaliding the entire relationship.

 

So get on the same page with your indecisive wife or move on. Personally I would not try to saddle such a women with kids she wasn't dying to have. It will only hurt the kids.

[elaine567]

I guess she wants to stay in her home town and have her kids there, it is not an uncommon view. Many women feel the need to be close to family when raising kids.

I think this whole moving around with your job doesn't suit her at all.

 

She does not want to keep moving and so the thought of having kids in that scenario scares her, alone in a strange place with kids whilst you are out doing your high powered job...

Nicer apartment, higher standard of living meant nothing to her. She wants to be at home with all that is familiar around her.

[BaileyB]

See, and I think this is exactly the kind of thing that marriage counselling would be helpful for... Someone who can help you both to communicate, listen and understand each other's feelings, and come to a compromise - if there is one to be had.

 

These are two very big, very important things to agree upon if your marriage is going to last long term. What do you have to lose?

[bathtub-row]

Your initial reaction to file for divorce was the right one. Spouses should support one another in their career choice and she’s holding you back. Aside from that, even if she does cave in and have kids, she’s likely to completely resent it later on. None of these things bode well. You’re both far too incompatible. She’s right about ending things now so that you can find someone who values the same things you do and wants what you want. She obviously can’t make up her mind about the simple things, much less about the more complex things. Make the decision for her...and for yourself.

[TheRainbow]

You sound incompatible and adding childrent to the mix would make it so much harder.

 

 

I look at my own situation. I love my husband, but I also wish I would have had the strength to break off our relationship in the beginning. I've been honest with him about this.

 

I just think about how we were in two different stages in life. I was promiscuous, no education or real goals in life. He had education, a good job, and goals in life. I really do think if I hadn't gotten pregnant two years into our relationship, I never would have married him nor would be have lasted.

 

While I don't resent him, or he doesn't resent me, I really do think he could have found someone better suited than me, and I wouldn't have hurt him so badly and spent the last ten years hiding behind him, avoiding responsibility.

 

He wanted children so badly, that he settled for me. He won't admit it, but I know it's true.

[MisterLogical]

Even the Catholic church -- a rigid organization if there was one -- recognizes not wanting kids as a valid reason for annulling the marriage. They consider that change of heart as invaliding the entire relationship.

 

So get on the same page with your indecisive wife or move on. Personally I would not try to saddle such a women with kids she wasn't dying to have. It will only hurt the kids.

 

Her thing is that after i said i want to go through with the divorce she said she will have a kid. Its fair for me to not trust those words right?

 

See, and I think this is exactly the kind of thing that marriage counselling would be helpful for... Someone who can help you both to communicate, listen and understand each other's feelings, and come to a compromise - if there is one to be had.

 

These are two very big, very important things to agree upon if your marriage is going to last long term. What do you have to lose?

 

Nothing, i wanted to do that, literally the second conversation we had i suggested it. She said that a therapist wouldnt solve anything. She said thats how we both feel and a councelor/therapist wont change that, that its not an issue about communicating. So when she said that, my decision was divorce, but after i told her that, she changed her mind. Which again, im having a hard time believing she wants or will follow through with. And ive told her that, and she has a hard time accepting or acknowledging why i dont believe her.

 

 

I guess she wants to stay in her home town and have her kids there, it is not an uncommon view. Many women feel the need to be close to family when raising kids.

I think this whole moving around with your job doesn't suit her at all.

 

She does not want to keep moving and so the thought of having kids in that scenario scares her, alone in a strange place with kids whilst you are out doing your high powered job...

Nicer apartment, higher standard of living meant nothing to her. She wants to be at home with all that is familiar around her.

 

Which is fine, and i dont harbor ill feelings if thats the case. My dilemma is that shes saying she wants to move and have a kid after i told her i want to go through with the divorce, but just not for a few years. But she still wants to have a kid in her hometown to have some family support. So my sense is that she's just stalling hoping i change my mind.

[MisterLogical]

You sound incompatible and adding childrent to the mix would make it so much harder.

 

 

I look at my own situation. I love my husband, but I also wish I would have had the strength to break off our relationship in the beginning. I've been honest with him about this.

 

I just think about how we were in two different stages in life. I was promiscuous, no education or real goals in life. He had education, a good job, and goals in life. I really do think if I hadn't gotten pregnant two years into our relationship, I never would have married him nor would be have lasted.

 

While I don't resent him, or he doesn't resent me, I really do think he could have found someone better suited than me, and I wouldn't have hurt him so badly and spent the last ten years hiding behind him, avoiding responsibility.

 

He wanted children so badly, that he settled for me. He won't admit it, but I know it's true.

 

Thats my fear, putting both of us in a situation where 10 years down the road neither is happy...

[d0nnivain]

Yes it's fair for you to Q her promise to have kids now. Everything else she has ever said she wanted that you gave her, she ended up not liking. Do not do that to kids.

 

Do consider marriage counseling. Maybe you can find a path through but you won't discover it on your own. There is something going on with her that you aren't aware of; she might not be either.

[elaine567]

Which is fine, and i dont harbor ill feelings if thats the case. My dilemma is that shes saying she wants to move and have a kid after i told her i want to go through with the divorce, but just not for a few years. But she still wants to have a kid in her hometown to have some family support. So my sense is that she's just stalling hoping i change my mind.

 

 

I guess she doesn't want to lose you so is compromising to try and please you so that you do not divorce her, and yes also hoping that she can have it all. You with your good job in her home town and her happy at home with probably kids too.

[BaileyB]

Her thing is that after i said i want to go through with the divorce she said she will have a kid. Its fair for me to not trust those words right?

 

I wouldn't have a child with a woman who was only doing it to please me and keep a relationship. It's not fair to the child, to bring them into the world if both of their parents do not truely want them.

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn't have a child with a woman who was only doing it to please me and keep a relationship. It's not fair to the child, to bring them into the world if both of their parents do not truely want them.

 

This is SO true. When the child is about 2 and being a major brat, or when you guys are stuck at home because you can’t get a sitter, or any of the other mayhem that follows with having children, she’s going to look you square in the eye and blame you for her misery. Children are tough in the best of times. She bounces around too much on this issue - and many others - to be considered stable. I hate to see a marriage break up but the compromises on both sides in order to make it work would be severe.

[Mr. Lucky]

Which is fine, and i dont harbor ill feelings if thats the case. My dilemma is that shes saying she wants to move and have a kid after i told her i want to go through with the divorce, but just not for a few years. But she still wants to have a kid in her hometown to have some family support. So my sense is that she's just stalling hoping i change my mind.

 

There are two kinds of people in this world - those that make the best of things through compromise, optimism and adjustment - and those that don't.

 

Your wife has found something wrong with every situation since you've been married, including those of her own choosing. My guess is she'll continue to do the same, even if you acquiesce on every one of these issues.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Asw27]

There are two kinds of people in this world - those that make the best of things through compromise, optimism and adjustment - and those that don't.

 

Your wife has found something wrong with every situation since you've been married, including those of her own choosing. My guess is she'll continue to do the same, even if you acquiesce on every one of these issues.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This.

 

Communicating and deciding as a team is an essential part of marriage. MisterLogical, you and your wife don't sound like you are on the same page on this.

 

From what you have told us, divorce sounds like the reasonable solution. You should search for a partner who shares your core values.