When you are a guy with Asperger’s syndrome, there’s two options in life

[DrasticMeasurements]

I’ve never had a girlfriend or first kiss by 24 because of my disorder. My only hope for avoiding more depression is to go to a super conservative church so I won’t have to deal with all the virgin shamers in this world.

[smackie9]

There are a lot of famous people who suffer from this disorder, like Michelangelo, Dan Aykroyd, Gary Numan, Abe Lincoln, just to name a few.

 

 

 

I truly believe you can make a difference by seeking out a therapist and a help group. There are free resources too you can obtain to help you make those changes.

 

 

 

There are plenty of young people your age that are in your situation without any disorder. You just have to be determined to be the person you want to be.

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a male relative with Asperger's and he is married with a baby, so, no, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. They did meet at church I believe.

[DrasticMeasurements]

As a 24 year old who never kissed a girl, death can’t come too soon.

[Normm]

There are worse problems that people have to deal with and they don't eat the wrong end of a shotgun.

[Normm]

My only hope for avoiding more depression is to go to a super conservative church so I won’t have to deal with all the virgin shamers in this world.

 

 

People don't know you're a virgin unless you a) tell them or b) walk around with a poster taped to your shirt saying "I'm a virgin".

[preraph]

I recently heard a news story about centers that are slowly opening up where people with these type things an all live together. It's just getting started, but it will enable those who have been stuck with their parents to gain some independence and further develop, while meeting others similar. So be sure and google every now and then for this type of place because I think that need is there and that more and more will open eventually.

 

As far as you confining yourself to strict church because you're a virgin -- I guess this isn't apparent to you, but you don't EVER have to tell anyone you're still a virgin. It's nobody's business.

[ZA Dater]

People don't know you're a virgin unless you a) tell them or b) walk around with a poster taped to your shirt saying "I'm a virgin".

 

 

 

While I would disagree with this to an extent I would disagree with it too. Simply because if you never have dates, never have partners, you simply may as well advertise it with big bold letters. People are very perceptive.

[bene]

I think the last time someone wonders if other people are virgins or not is in high school. I really don’t think adults go around wondering if a total stranger, distant cousin or colleague has had sex. Outside a sexual relationship or doctors office I can hardly imagine a situation where you are forced to disclose your virginity.

[ZA Dater]

I think the last time someone wonders if other people are virgins or not is in high school. I really don’t think adults go around wondering if a total stranger, distant cousin or colleague has had sex. Outside a sexual relationship or doctors office I can hardly imagine a situation where you are forced to disclose your virginity.

 

 

 

Ok so sure, how appealing is a lady going to find a guy who fumbles around trying to kiss her?

 

 

Its a deal breaker for all.

 

 

Having that a 24yo virgin is pretty much ok I reckon. There is an expectation you may not have had experience but it depends how judgemental people choose to be.

[bene]

Ok so sure, how appealing is a lady going to find a guy who fumbles around trying to kiss her?

 

 

Its a deal breaker for all.

 

 

Having that a 24yo virgin is pretty much ok I reckon. There is an expectation you may not have had experience but it depends how judgemental people choose to be.

 

I was referring to OP considering joining a church to escape “virgin shamers”. My point is that outside an intimate relationship it is nobody’s business and I can hardly imagine having to bring up your virginity in social situations. Adult life is not some horny teenage comedy where everyone gossips about who got laid.

 

Of course a woman can find fumbling man unappealing. People can find many things unappealing, to each their own. It is no reason to just give up on life and not even try. Sexuality and intimacy is pretty much instinctive. One can make a fuss about being inexperienced or just go for the kiss and see what happens.

[ZA Dater]

I was referring to OP considering joining a church to escape “virgin shamers”. My point is that outside an intimate relationship it is nobody’s business and I can hardly imagine having to bring up your virginity in social situations. Adult life is not some horny teenage comedy where everyone gossips about who got laid.

 

Of course a woman can find fumbling man unappealing. People can find many things unappealing, to each their own. It is no reason to just give up on life and not even try. Sexuality and intimacy is pretty much instinctive. One can make a fuss about being inexperienced or just go for the kiss and see what happens.

 

 

 

I don't think his suggestion is a completely bad one, if he is religion to begin with.

 

 

The bold depends but I have heard a lot of gossip exactly like that.

 

 

Replace "can" with "will" and yes I agree its no excuse to give up but what you perhaps gloss over the fact typically someone who is inexperienced has been rejected so have little confidence to begin with. How do you think someone like that would feel to try kiss someone and make a mess of it?

 

 

And yes I speak out of experience.

 

 

An idea for the OP is to focus on and enjoy something because if you become fixated with this life can become quite dark. Again I speak out of experience.

[bradt93]

I have aspergers too and I'm contemplating to whether or not pay for sex. this social disability sucks and I know how you feel. Plus, me being aspergers and bipolar, I don't need the drama in my life. I mean come on women think if you have some type of disability, your mentally "retarded" or something. It's so stupid, but it's the truth. The only reason I can see why women are scared to getting involved with men with certain "disabilities" is because they are afraid if they have children, they will inherit too or they think that guy is "scary" maybe both.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have aspergers too and I'm contemplating to whether or not pay for sex. this social disability sucks and I know how you feel. Plus, me being aspergers and bipolar, I don't need the drama in my life. I mean come on women think if you have some type of disability, your mentally "retarded" or something. It's so stupid, but it's the truth. The only reason I can see why women are scared to getting involved with men with certain "disabilities" is because they are afraid if they have children, they will inherit too or they think that guy is "scary" maybe both.

 

The inheritability of certain conditions could be a factor, you're right (in young women anyway), but I think it probably has more to do with personality than any actual perceptions about the disability itself. Meaning, it's going to be harder for an Aspie to find someone who is attracted to their personality and personality quirks regardless of how handsome they are.

[littleblackheart]

No, it's not a legitimate reason.

 

I'm an Aspie, divorced with 2 kids and have a 'normal' social life. The diagnosis hasn't stopped me from doing anything at all. I'm actually surrounded by a handful of very carefully handpicked awesome, genuine friends who don't play games and know to speak plainly.

 

Yes, the social cluelessness sucks but these things can be learned through trial and error. Tbh, my advice would be to try and lock down some solid friends, preferably NTs, would can help you navigate through the maze and decode the weirdness. Once you get to grips with it, it's honestly not that difficult. People are people, NTs or ASDs or anything else. This will help you develop your 'dating game'.

 

The ignorance and prejudices around the diagnosis are more annoying than the diagnosis itself!

 

FWIW, NTs find relationships difficult too (exhibit A: LS!).

[bradt93]

My advice though lay off relationships for now and concentrate on other things. You still have plenty of time.

[nospam99]

FWIW, NTs find relationships difficult too (exhibit A: LS!).

 

LOL @ exhibit A

 

Father of diagnosed Aspie here. My school district FINALLY (this was about 15 years back) stopped playing the stonewall card and funded an in district program for the kids. There were about a dozen of them in my son's cadre. Like stereotypical Aspies, they were 'good', very bright kids. The biggest problems were the sensory issues, difficulty with social cues, and poor time management. The thing that impressed me the most though was how well they got along with each other, like they had their own secret social cue 'language' that the NTs were not in on.

[littleblackheart]

LOL @ exhibit A

 

Father of diagnosed Aspie here. My school district FINALLY (this was about 15 years back) stopped playing the stonewall card and funded an in district program for the kids. There were about a dozen of them in my son's cadre. Like stereotypical Aspies, they were 'good', very bright kids. The biggest problems were the sensory issues, difficulty with social cues, and poor time management. The thing that impressed me the most though was how well they got along with each other, like they had their own secret social cue 'language' that the NTs were not in on.

 

Yes, the sensory thing is a huge pain.

 

 

One of my kids is Aspie too. We have a specialised school here but he got his place at a very selective all-boys high school so that's where he's at.

 

He is a House Rep and living the life of any other 12 yo. He had the choice, he wants it that way. I am beyond proud of him for constantly pushing himself out of his comfort zone; he's a loyal, kind and thoughtful friend and he gets that in return (with a dose of meltdowns, freakouts and minor bullying but I don't think it'd a bad thing and his school is extremely supportive).

 

From personal experience, as nice as it is to have fellow Aspie friends who 'get' you (I have 2), these friendships won't help you much getting NTs or making yourself understood or stop the prejudices or getting better at reading social cues, especially with dating.

 

This is why good NTs friends are priceless, and why I strongly advise OP to develop some.

[bradt93]

Yes, the sensory thing is a huge pain.

 

 

One of my kids is Aspie too. We have a specialised school here but he got his place at a very selective all-boys high school so that's where he's at.

 

He is a House Rep and living the life of any other 12 yo. He had the choice, he wants it that way. I am beyond proud of him for constantly pushing himself out of his comfort zone; he's a loyal, kind and thoughtful friend and he gets that in return (with a dose of meltdowns, freakouts and minor bullying but I don't think it'd a bad thing and his school is extremely supportive).

 

From personal experience, as nice as it is to have fellow Aspie friends who 'get' you (I have 2), these friendships won't help you much getting NTs or making yourself understood or stop the prejudices or getting better at reading social cues, especially with dating.

 

This is why good NTs friends are priceless, and why I strongly advise OP to develop some.

It's hard for us aspies to do that though, we just think differently than NT'S.

[littleblackheart]

It's hard for us aspies to do that though, we just think differently than NT'S.

 

Yes, it is hard for us to do, but it's not that hard. I've done it, my kid's doing it so it's achievable.

 

Obviously it's a spectrum disorder so we are all affected differently; you first need to know yourself well, how your own brain works, what makes you tick, what your own pattern of behaviour is, and surround yourself with support if you can.

 

NTs aren't that different, really; they struggle with their own things. Plenty are understanding and open-minded, and really appreciate no-frills discussions and genuine connections - there are lots of ways we can meet half-way. ASDs have a lot to bring to the table too!

[BaronChairman]

As a 24 year old who never kissed a girl, death can’t come too soon.

 

Honestly, if you really believe this, you have bigger problems than Asperger's. You need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend right now.

[carhill]

While I would disagree with this to an extent I would disagree with it too. Simply because if you never have dates, never have partners, you simply may as well advertise it with big bold letters. People are very perceptive.

People can date, have 'partners' and live a pretty productive life as a virgin and no one else will be the wiser if not advertised. Bonus is a guaranteed clean STD panel

 

Lived it so know how it works, good bad ugly.

 

Aspergers wasn't really known when I was young. Kids were kids. Some were different. Some were loners, some were violent, some were loved by everyone. Seems like most went on to have relatively normal and productive lives, at least in my social group. Yeah, even the anti-social (that was a word back then) ones.

 

However, with the advent of electron life, people working by peering into a computer screen and what appears to be an increasingly easy path to a solitary existence, it follows reduced social skills or social skill disorders would become more of a factor, often simply through lack of use.

 

I wouldn't use a diagnosis, if it is one, as a reason for dying alone. If I want to die alone, cool, that's a choice. Take responsibility and die alone. It's not the responsibility of a disease or disorder.

[bradt93]

I’ve never had a girlfriend or first kiss by 24 because of my disorder. My only hope for avoiding more depression is to go to a super conservative church so I won’t have to deal with all the virgin shamers in this world.

Do you ever feel that every woman hates you when you don't know if that's true or not, because they don't approach you a lot? because I have aspergers too and that's how I feel sometimes like every woman hates me for no reason.

[ElKay]

Do you ever feel that every woman hates you when you don't know if that's true or not, because they don't approach you a lot? because I have aspergers too and that's how I feel sometimes like every woman hates me for no reason.

There's no hate that women have. If anything, they might just feel awkward and won't approach, but this happens with awkward non-Aspie guys.

 

As an example, I went on a date with a guy that I met online and he had Aspergers. He was bashing his ex gf so much, saying how she was bad at sex and that she didn't shave down there, but that he still stayed with her since he cared... I tried to look past some of the things he was saying, but he stared at me a lot and later gave a hug/grope before I left.

As someone who's very shy, has a personal bubble around her on the first date or two and being inexperienced at that time, I felt very uncomfortable and, during our messages after, I explained that I unfortunately wasn't feeling it and wished him the best of luck. Maybe if it didn't feel as forced and rushed at the start, I would have grown comfortable with time, but anyways, it is what it is.

 

All this to say is that, on the flip side, some people with their own issues (like mine with shyness and anxiety) don't always mesh even with non-Aspie people, heck, it's pretty rare that I feel comfortable with anyone! So don't necessarily take it based on "you vs the world".

[bradt93]

There's no hate that women have. If anything, they might just feel awkward and won't approach, but this happens with awkward non-Aspie guys.

 

As an example, I went on a date with a guy that I met online and he had Aspergers. He was bashing his ex gf so much, saying how she was bad at sex and that she didn't shave down there, but that he still stayed with her since he cared... I tried to look past some of the things he was saying, but he stared at me a lot and later gave a hug/grope before I left.

As someone who's very shy, has a personal bubble around her on the first date or two and being inexperienced at that time, I felt very uncomfortable and, during our messages after, I explained that I unfortunately wasn't feeling it and wished him the best of luck. Maybe if it didn't feel as forced and rushed at the start, I would have grown comfortable with time, but anyways, it is what it is.

 

All this to say is that, on the flip side, some people with their own issues (like mine with shyness and anxiety) don't always mesh even with non-Aspie people, heck, it's pretty rare that I feel comfortable with anyone! So don't necessarily take it based on "you vs the world".

I just don't want to do the work for a relationship. It's hard and I'm just tired of it. I'm sorry he made you feel uncomfortable though, even I wouldn't say sh** like that on a date.