Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30, glad to hear you are doing ok. Good for you for setting boundaries for yourself!! My therapist told me that the other person usually does not like it when you set a boundary, especially if you've been letting them get away with things for a long time. In her words, she said "don't expect them to throw you a parade". That makes sense to me and I think it can make you question whether you're doing the right thing, especially if your ex is being manipulative. But this makes sense to me as he likely thinks he's losing control. Stay strong. I hope you feel good about what you've done -- you are building respect for yourself.

 

I am struggling a bit, to be honest. I have struggled with depression in the past and am worried it's coming back. I was invited to a holiday party tonight but didn't want to go. I'm still NC, today makes 6 weeks since the initial blow-up (I call it the day the bomb went off). It's been two weeks since he tried to reach out to me and I ignored him. He has made no attempts since that time. To be honest, I've been questioning myself a lot. As far as, should I have ignored him? My best friend says that this is absolutely the right thing to do and my therapist agrees. So I try to keep my focus on trying to stay NC, knowing that this is the thing that has helped me the most in the past.

 

When I met with my therapist today, she brought up a point that I may have been misinterpreting my communication with my ex over the past 2 years (when we've been "friends") and it made me feel terrible. No one wants to feel that the person that they care about doesn't care about them. It's something I am still struggling with, because I tend to extrapolate a small comment or thought into a major issue and just perseverate on that at the expense of my mental health. It's been an overall rough day and I'm struggling. But I do feel like I'm a tiny bit better overall today than I was a month ago. So I'm trying to hold onto that.

 

Thanks for posting. Hearing other people's struggles and triumphs (staying NC and setting boundaries is absolutely a triumph!!) helps me a lot and gives me hope that I can get better too.

[Charlierose30]

Hi Nolanola,

Your therapist is so right. Ever since I’ve started putting my needs first (albeit very very gently!), his behaviour has changed and I get the impression he isn’t happy about it. I must admit though, I’ve been feeling so so guilty ever since, and feeling like I’ve pushed him away. My logical head knows that’s ridiculous and he has done this to me, but my emotions are trying to convince me otherwise.

 

I’m sorry that you are struggling. Please remember how well you are doing and how far you have come. Everyday you get to tick off without being in contact with him is a huge achievement. We are in a rotten situation, and we need to remember to cut ourselves some slack and be kind to ourselves. I’ve also had some mental health battles in the past, mostly with anxiety, and am almost hyper aware of this returning given my current state. Self care is so important Nolanola, please keep posting here as I’m always here to listen. Have you spoken to your therapist about the depression?

[LauraXX]

Hi Everyone,

Thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing?

 

 

Could be better. Went on a short vacation with a bunch of friends. We do that every year in December and it's always pretty awesome. This year however, I was the only single in the group and spending a cozy weekend in a cabin as the only single with six couples.... well. It was still kind of nice (we've all been friends since highschool), but also difficult. Especially since I had planned to bring my guy along this year and everybody was like "Hey, so where is XY?"

 

 

 

The whole thing had one positive aspect though. I realized that my guy would have been "out of place" there. I didn't even see that before. I was convinced that he'd get along great with all my friends and that they would like him as well. But I think he would have been annoyed by a lot of peculiarities of our circle of friends and that would have made me anxious. So that made me realize that he wasn't 100% perfect for me and in the end it was probably good that he wasn't there.

 

 

 

Still thinking about contacting him around Christmas. That would be more than 30 days of NC. A part of me thinks it would be the right thing to do. I mean... we didn't fight and ended on good terms. So why should I just ignore him around Christmas when I usually send Christmas greetings to pretty much everybody I know :/ But on the other hand... I'm definitely not over him yet and I agree with what Nolanola said: I'd definitely be on pins and needles waiting for his reply. And I don't want that to ruin my holidays.

[Charlierose30]

Hi LauraXX,

 

I’m sorry your vacation was difficult to handle. That must have been so hard to be there in your own. Most of my friends are also in relationships and I can totally understand what you’re saying. It’s hard isn’t it?

 

Regarding reaching out at Christmas, I think you should wait it out and decide closer to the time. Your feelings may change between now and then, and you’re right, you don’t want to ruin your holidays waiting for him to respond.

 

I’m having a bad day today. I couldn’t sleep last night and couldn’t stop thinking about my ex. I can’t believe he just doesn’t care about me anymore. I feel so so sad today. I know the bad sleep is contributing but I’m feeling like I did in the earlier stages of my break up, constantly questioning why this is happened and how he could do this to me. It’s horrible and I’m stuck. Can anyone offer me any words of wisdom?

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I realize you started this thread a long time ago but I see this thread is still going so I think I can add some additional insight for you.

 

To genuinely be friends, the feelings have to go. Both people have to go their separate ways and relearn how to find their smile on their own, without one another. Learn how to stand on their own two feet again. Only then, can a friendship be considered. It takes time. A year maybe..but likely more. The irony is sometimes by then, there's no need to reconnect because you're happy without them.

 

When someone walks away, it means they took the best you had to give, evaluated it in terms of its value in their life and decided it wasn't what they wanted and therefore they chose not to be with you or invest in a future with you. If it was a somewhat amicable breakup, then it just means they weren't willing to compromise or sacrifice anymore. In choosing that, they choose to be with someone else or to find someone new which will happen. When they do find someone new, they will distance from you and perhaps even cut you out. No current girlfriend/boyfriend wants an ex lingering around and he'll respect that because he's invested in her..assuming there is a gf.

 

That all it comes down to. It's just that we are in so much pain at the time we break up with someone that we deceive ourselves into believing that we can remain friends with this person or at the very least, keep them in our lives. Decisions like this are born from fear and weakness and are fueled not by love, but by addiction and attachment and it comes from a self-serving place and is less about whats best for the other person and more about how to quiet the immediate pain you feel. These are just temporary painkillers. At the end of the day, they want out and truth will always force its way out of the denial and remind you of it.

 

If you keep an ex in your life, you're going to see them move on and it'll hurt you because you have feelings. It'll also prolong your healing and even stop it from beginning. If you lie to yourself, you wind up in this boat so going forward, when breaking up (Hope you never go through it again though), say your peace and walk away. In my books, its better to heal and move passed the situation while in pain than to be stagnant and in pain because either way, you'll be in pain. Might as well be moving forward. Atleast first one gets you somewhere new and opens up new opportunities that can provide additional support for your healing journey. And because its painful as it is, you'll need all your energy for yourself to grieve your loss and to get back on your feet.

 

- Beach

Edited December 11, 2018 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Hi Beachead, thanks for reaching out. Yes, I totally agree with you. I wish I had walked away when it became clear that things were not going to work out as I wanted. I wish I had gone NC. I tried a few times to say that we should separate, but he would always reach out again and we would re-establish communication. I should have made it clear that I needed to really go NC to heal from how I felt about him. Unfortunately, I can't undo all that.

 

It hurts more to know that I could have lessened my pain by pulling back in the past few years, because I know I hurt myself a lot. But, I'm trying to do better now. When he tried to reach out again after I found out about this new woman, I did not reply. It is really hard to do that and I am working on my boundaries. But after reading what you said, I feel better to think about my lack of reply as a way of finally standing up for myself as I should have done 2 years ago. I deserve better than to be someone's fallback person or something.

[Beachead]

Hi Beachead, thanks for reaching out. Yes, I totally agree with you. I wish I had walked away when it became clear that things were not going to work out as I wanted. I wish I had gone NC. I tried a few times to say that we should separate, but he would always reach out again and we would re-establish communication. I should have made it clear that I needed to really go NC to heal from how I felt about him. Unfortunately, I can't undo all that.

 

It hurts more to know that I could have lessened my pain by pulling back in the past few years, because I know I hurt myself a lot. But, I'm trying to do better now. When he tried to reach out again after I found out about this new woman, I did not reply. It is really hard to do that and I am working on my boundaries. But after reading what you said, I feel better to think about my lack of reply as a way of finally standing up for myself as I should have done 2 years ago. I deserve better than to be someone's fallback person or something.

 

No worries OP.

 

You do deserve better. Like you said, this guy is keeping you around as as a backup. By sticking around, you're disrespecting yourself and coincidently teaching him its okay for him to do so as well. He loses respect for you in the process because he knows he's getting away with things he wouldn't be tolerating if they were done to him. We will devalue ourselves to be close to them and in process, they lose respect for us. He knows you like him. Remember, if he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. Simple as that. Its a good move that you didn't respond. I know it took a lot and I know how it feels. But don't beat yourself up. In hindsight, everything is also crystal clear but its pretty murky when you're in it at the time.

 

When we're in a relationship with someone we care for, we'll always look for solutions. There will always be one more thing we can do to make things work and we don't focus on the negatives because we're focusing on the positives. We're not looking for a way out because we're committed to the future with them. We're all in...as we should be when we love someone and are working on the relationship with them.

 

Because of this, we leave ourselves vulnerable. We naturally excuse the warning signs because at the time it was happening, we didn't see them as warning signs. We saw them as a bad day or a bad period of time. He lost a family member in his life so he's been going through a rough patch or she just changed jobs and is just stressed out at the moment trying to get her feet planted. Stuff like that.

 

You did the best you could given everything you knew at the time and at the time, it seemed like the right move. That's all you could ask of yourself.

 

My advice for you going forward is this:

 

Always communicate with the person you want to be with if you haven't done this in the past. Be upfront about your worries and concerns even if the other person is unwilling to have that conversation. Even if turns into an argument. See how they react. How they deal with the situation. See what they end up doing. Pay attention to whether things eventually change or remain the same? Give yourself a timeline for long you may tolerate these things for. It might also be a good idea to write down, deal-breakers and red flags in relationships for you. Writing has always done wonders for me. How much you are willing to tolerate and the duration of how long you'll tolerate it all depends on the situation but there should be a timeline and some boundaries.

 

If they care, no matter how bad of a fight it is, you two will work on those problems and move passed them because both people are committed to a future. People committed to a future will show love to one another in the form of forgiveness, patience, understanding, compromise, sacrifice etc.

 

In this way, if you don't receive any acknowledgement or change or any effort on their part and this persists for a long time when you have communicated your pain several times..you're clear to walk away. No guilt. No worries about whether you're making a mistake. You know you've done everything you could and this person is not invested.

 

- Beach

Edited December 12, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Just checking in, how are you coping Nolanola?

[nolanola]

Hey Charlierose30, I wrote you in your post, but thanks for checking in. I have been feeling a bit better, but still with some ups and downs. It is really hard to stop myself from Facebook stalking this woman that my ex may or may not be dating. Especially after he sent me a text at Thanksgiving. I so wanted to go look for proof that they were or weren't together. But between my best friend and my therapist, I have been able to avoid this. The chances of me seeing something that clears everything up for me are pretty slim and the chances that I will see something that will hurt me is good. So I am staying away.

 

I think the holidays are always hard because I sit and wonder if he will say something to me. Just like you said, I wonder why he says nothing to me. It is a very dumb thing, but I kind of wanted my lack of response to his last text to spur something from him, like an apology or explanation. I realize this is not the goal of NC, but it is a real thought that I have. Can't help it.

 

Just like you, I think having questions without answers is really hard. We can make ourselves insane with wondering why. I try to trust that someday I will understand better or that I won't care, but I am not there yet. I'm human and I'm doing the best I can.

 

Hugs to you. Post anytime that you need a boost. Sometimes just seeing that someone is having similar thoughts to mine is helpful.

[Giraffe-A]

I am a big fan of NC. Either they come back or you move on. I even went NC on my deceased significant other! LOL. Five years after his death I threw away all his stuff and his pictures and bible. I regret it now, but it truly did help me heal.

These days, I still get calls from people I briefly met or briefly dated. I delete all those "Hi. How are you texts."

It's all routine now, but it will not get better unless you work on yourself in between relationships, especially after a toxic one. That's a great time to do something truly spectacular with your life. Regain yourself. You can suffer now and get it over with or drag it out over the course of these precious years you will never get back.

[Rayce]

I am right there with you... pacing around because I want to check Facebook. I was finally able to turned my phone back on but still have all my social media stuff deactivated. After the level of deceit I have experienced via social media I am not sure I will ever activate again.

 

One thing I have learned over the last few years about social media is that there is very little about it that is really real even the selfies people post now a days are fake due to all the apps that can be used to enhance them.

 

For me... The fact is that one post has the power to cause such a reaction on my part that I lost control and text vial things to another human being is enough to make me want to never log on again... I can only hope one day that person will forgive me.

 

Self work never gets any easier.... that is pretty much where I am at right now...

[nolanola]

Hi Rayce...I really get you. One thing that I have been very aware of is that my online stalking led me to a really bad place a few years ago. That's one of the reasons that I am staying away now. With a previous ex, I spent a lot of time online trying to figure things out and would text him with the craziest things. I felt like one of those women from that tv show "Snapped". It was horrible and I hated being that person.

 

I totally agree with your thoughts on social media, although it's tough to know this in the moment. When you see someone's selfies or pictures of the places they went, it is hard to see it as a tiny moment of their lives that's been filtered and adjusted. The first instinct is that their life is so wonderful and yours is...not. This woman that my ex may or may not be dating posts a lot of selfies of her in a sports bra. She actually posts a lot of pictures in general. I only looked at those things once, the night I found out about it. Now I can't get those images out of my head. In my mind, she's gorgeous and fun and everything I'm not.

 

My ex actually is not on social media and is very private, so I can only judge things from her page. It gets easier to not look, although I'm human and I get impulses all the time. But I keep telling myself that whatever I see will not clear anything up. If there aren't any pictures, it doesn't mean anything. It will only hurt me and cause me to sit here and obsess about it.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

[Rayce]

Thank you nolanola… the closer we get to Christmas the harder it is. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with an urge to call him and leave him a voice message for today at work. I resisted and eventually fell back asleep. My stomach has been doing flip flops all day. There is no reason for this anxiety.

[Endnote]

@nolanola, as a coping technique, I just assume that my ex is with someone else, whether that is the reality or not. In a sense it makes the pain more emotionally palatable and it reminds me that I need to move on. Like I said in my own post about my breakup, I have no clue what's going on in her life. Definitely best that I keep it that way until I no longer care. I'm not happy that the process takes what feels like forever, but I'd much rather take forever than reopen the wound one time out of curiousity only to find I can't handle it. It sounds like you're doing a good job at staying away and in NC though. Another coping technique is coming to this site and reading the https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion guide. That was written before social media was anywhere near as big as it is now and yet we can still apply it to how we peruse social media. Example:

 

 

"2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this."

 

Sounds good to me. Keep it up! We're all doing great, even if it sucks!

[nolanola]

Thanks Endnote. Your posts have been such a source of strength for me. I am doing pretty well. So much better than the last big breakup I went through. The reason I'm doing as well as I'm doing is no doubt because I am NC and have stayed away from any kind of social media stalking. What you said about the process feeling like it takes forever -- YES!! I know it will get better with time, but waiting for that time to go by sucks. I was thinking today, as I was running (a great coping mechanism), that I hate the idea that I'm spending precious days and weeks of my life thinking about a man that hurt me so much. You can't get that time back. BUT...I think love and heartbreak are part of life and I'm hoping there will be important lessons that I'll learn from all this. One thing is for sure...I am beginning to respect myself a lot more by standing up for myself and trying to live by the idea that I deserve better.

 

Rayce, you know what's weird? I am actually looking forward to Christmas and New Years, not just because I will get to see my family. Every year for the past 4 years, my ex and I would contact each other for those days. This year he won't get anything from me and it kind of makes me happy to think about the possibility that he will wonder why not. That is probably super bitchy of me, but it keeps me going. I know how hard NC is...it is the worst!! But it's also the best, please trust. You will heal so much faster, although it will still feel like it takes a thousand years. I understand anxiety, I struggle with this too. Be as kind to yourself as possible. Try to do things that make you feel happy. For me, it's making a really good dinner, watching a favorite movie or tv show, going for a run or to my favorite Pilates class. I also love talking to my best friend or to my Dad and taking a nap with my cat. When I'm vulnerable to these feelings, I try to make sure I get in bed with time to get at least 8 hours and try to avoid eating a bunch of crap. That helps. Hugs to you...just keep going.

[Rayce]

Nolanola I am glad you are blessed with a loving family that helps so much. My father passed away Oct 2017 and my mom in 2007. I am the head of the family now. I will also be spending Christmas with my daughter, her husband and grandkids. Overall 2018 has been on of the best years I have ever had since I decided in 2000 to just be single. This last quarter though has been tough... losing my job, blowing up my relationship and being rejected by my own son... yeah tough.

 

Funny thing is that just before all this went down I was telling my now ex that I had 3 choices for job hunting and it would be really nice if God would just speak up right now and say hey go there... within a few weeks...

boom... I blew up my relationship and my son doesn't want me to live any where near him!

 

Lucky for me my daughter said... move closer...we want you! She is about 30 miles from me.

 

I have a strong faith and I am trusting things work out the way they are suppose too.

Edited December 22, 2018 by Rayce

[LauraXX]

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope you’re all able to enjoy the holidays as much as possible considering the circumstances. I actually had a nice couple of weeks. Several pre-Christmas parties, I also went to France with my family for a few days. I managed to get my mind of the break-up for a bit. I mean, of course I still thought about him every single day, but it felt nice to have a few carefree hours in between all the overthinking and regrets.

 

 

 

However, I hit a bit of a low point yesterday. Not even sure what triggered that. But I missed him so bad all of a sudden and before I even knew it I sent him a text message wishing him a merry Christmas and asking him if he was ok. It’s been more than a month of NC now and as you know … I was actually considering texting him for the holidays anyway … so it’s not the end of the world. My main concern had been that it would ruin my holidays to sit around anxiously waiting for him to reply. But he actually texted me back within seconds. He wrote that he had literally just been thinking about me and that he was so happy to hear from me. He said that he’s been ok recently and of course he asked me if I was ok as well and what I’ve been up to. I’ve been so focused on mentally preparing myself to not getting a reply from him at all (…or waiting forever) that I was completely shocked when he replied so quick. I read the message, turned off my phone, threw it into my purse and didn’t look at it again for 24 hours. And now I honestly don’t know what to do ☹

 

 

 

I really want to reply to his message and answer his question about how I have been. It would be so rude not to. And I want nothing more than to have him back in my life and to speak to him again. But I’m so worried that I will get my hopes up again and if I find out that nothing has changed for him or that he’s maybe even seeing somebody new – that would just kill me. What should I do? What should I text him? I’ve totally lost my gut feeling about this and I have the feeling that I can’t be trusted with making my own decisions anymore :/ But I really do want him back!

[nolanola]

@LauraXX, this is the trouble with getting in touch. It seems like he has warm feelings towards you and that is a good thing (he wrote you back quickly and seemed happy to hear from you), but you don't know any more than you did before. He didn't say anything about missing you or whatever. When you guys broke up, he wasn't ready to get into a relationship with you and it doesn't seem like he is now either (or at least he isn't saying that).

 

My question to you would not be about whether or not you should respond or how. It should be "what do you want and deserve in this situation"? You want to be in a relationship with this guy, right? Because I think you could easily wind up as his "friend" that he talks to from time to time and you guys might even see each other. But is that what you want or deserve? I think not. You cannot force this guy to realize he wants to be with you. One text message is not going to change that. My personal opinion? I think you should leave things where they are and try to keep moving forward like you were. Think about how you would feel if you wrote him back and then he didn't answer anything back afterwards. You'd feel good for a little while and then be back to the same place, wondering if you're going to hear from him again.

[LauraXX]

I know, and I'm really not proud of myself. I'm aware that I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment and I still can't help it. Of course I texted him back. We've been texting back and forth since Christmas and it's all very flirtuatious (but also quite superficial).

 

For me that is a sure sign that he hasn't changed his mind about the big picture. He could have said something like: "Look, we need to talk." But he didn't. Right now my guess would be that he would like to see me (and hook-up again) but that he still doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Today he texted me sth. about a restaurant that we used to go to. It was kind of "our thing" and he wrote how much he misses going there. And without even thinking about it I texted him back: "Well, we'll have to go there again then." (He didn't reply yet).

 

Ugh, why am I like this. He's either going to tell me that it wouldn't be a good idea to start all over again. Or he'll be up for it and then we're back to point zero and I can prepare myself for another round of heartbreak in a few weeks/months. Either way, the ball is in his court now and that just sucks... the only thing that made this whole situation somehow bearable was the fact that I determined the rules of the game and walked out of that "relationship" with dignity. I totally messed that up.

[nolanola]

Hi LauraXX, good to hear from you again. It's so funny how people that I don't really know can start to feel like friends from reading stories on this board.

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much. Although we all do things we might regret or not feel very proud of, that doesn't define who we are as people. You like this guy and want to be with him. That's not a crime. It's a very human thing. BUT...I want you to think about something before you continue to chat with him. Is this what you want in your relationship with him? And I don't mean relationship as in "relationship", but just your interactions with him. Do you want to be his occasional text buddy that he might see sometimes and maybe hookup with?

 

My best friend always says that we teach people how to treat us. She is right, although practicing this in real time is HARD. You are sending the message to him that his current behavior (not getting into a relationship with you, texting occasionally, maybe meeting up) is ok with you. There's nothing wrong with that, other than it's not what you want. Over time, this behavior gets reinforced and is really hard to correct once its set.

 

I'm not going to judge you for communicating with this man, hell I kept in touch in a similar situation for over 2 years. But right now you're giving him the benefits of you without having to step up and commit to a relationship. His stakes in this situation are really low because he knows you'll interact with him at the current status quo. No need to put in more effort.

 

Is it possible that he might suddenly decide that he wants to take things up a notch? Of course. Please just hear my experience and see how broken hearted I am after 2 years of this with a man that I loved. I'm left sitting here feeling so rejected and foolish for allowing him to keep a minimum effort in my life instead of what I deserve, which is someone that wants to be with me without reservation.

[Iamyoungjuan]

I was with my wife for 13 years she left me two months ago I have been begging and pleading to get her back but she says there’s no chance of us getting back together she texted me on Christmas and her and my kids called but I didn’t reply because of the way she have been treating me but I texted my kids and apologized for not seeing them that day I even texted her the next day and she was really upset and told me she wanted a divorce and she had a male friend now before Christmas she didn’t want a divorce and was telling me that she wasn’t seeing anyone else I was more hurt then anything I tried to call her but she texted back and said she didn’t wanna talk to me but she called me the next day and was talking to my about my kids and I told her that now that she is seeing someone else that’s it’s best if we don’t contact each other again she agreed and I haven’t called or texted her since

 

I’m on my third day of no contact and it’s killing me what do I do now

[LauraXX]

Hi LauraXX, good to hear from you again. It's so funny how people that I don't really know can start to feel like friends from reading stories on this board.

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much. Although we all do things we might regret or not feel very proud of, that doesn't define who we are as people. You like this guy and want to be with him. That's not a crime. It's a very human thing. BUT...I want you to think about something before you continue to chat with him. Is this what you want in your relationship with him? And I don't mean relationship as in "relationship", but just your interactions with him. Do you want to be his occasional text buddy that he might see sometimes and maybe hookup with?

 

 

Thanks for your reply nolanola. I feel the same way even though you guys here are most likely on the other side of the world.

 

 

 

You are of course completely right. I want this guy to really care for me and not just be an easy hookup. BUT... (oh god, this is going to sound so depressing): I've been single for 10 years now and in these 10 years I only hooked up with 2 men (not including THIS guy). One of them was an ex-boyfriend. The other one was one of my closest friends (very bad idea). For me as a single mom (and at my age) it's just not that easy anymore to meet guys I'm really interested in. Yes, it would be nice to meet somebody who is head over heels for me - but if the choice is between being his hookup or living celibate for another 10 years... well I think I know the answer. I also have to say: The whole romantic aspect of our "relationship" is one thing. But he really managed to drag me out of my comfort zone. We did some amazing things together that I would have sworn I'd never do a year ago (like going skydiving). So it's not just "love withdrawal" but also "fun withdrawal" if that makes sense.

 

 

 

Well, anyway, he still didn't reply to my text message (about meeting again) after 24 hours (didn't even read it yet). So I guess that says it all

[nolanola]

LauraXX, I'm so sorry he hasn't replied yet.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. BELIEVE ME. I am 42 and single. Before my most recent ex, the last relationship I've had ended in 2010. Other than a few dates here and there, it's been a slow few years. Most of the men I meet that I would be interested in are not available (married), so when I meet someone that checks the boxes and is single or divorced AND likes me too, it's really rare. So with this recent guy, I was over the moon. I thought he was the best person I had met in such a long time. And I think that's why I had such a hard time in letting go of him. I wanted it to work so badly. So I hung around, even when he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship because of his children and recent divorce. Even after I told him we should just be friends, I still was in love with him and talking to him all the time. Sleeping with him a few times. Spending an amazing amount of time sitting here wishing and hoping to hear from him. And in the process, his effort decreased little by little, until I was wishing and hoping based on very little investment from him. I'm most angry at myself for letting him treat me this way -- for 2 years!

 

I won't tell you to not talk to this guy if you don't want to stop. I'm just asking you to think about what you deserve. You deserve a guy who likes you enough and wants to spend time with you enough to be able to put forth the tiny effort to reply to a text message, let alone to call you, ask to spend time with you, want you to be his girlfriend.

[PolyPocket]

Hi guys....Happy New year!

 

New member here, but I've been lurking for a while. I know this is a popular thread, and I'm not sure if anyone would be reading this far, but this topic hits home to me that I figured to start here. If you are reading this, thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

 

I's been 6 weeks since I started NC with my ex. Things ended the week of Thanksgiving, so I started this holiday with a broken heart. We dated for 1 year, maybe a lot shorter than most relationships here, but it still hurts after almost 2 months of not hearing from him and I miss him terribly. You see, I was his rebound and never got the proper relationship I wanted from him, and even though I should've smarten up from the beginning and walked away from it, I still chose him. I was hopeful that things would change, and there were times when we were together that it felt possible, but now I feel defeated and hopeless. Somehow I still have this stupid hope that he would realize what he lost and will contact me soon. Every time I get the urge to contact him, I'm reminded that I may not hear the response I want.....or worse yet, I may get no response at all.....and it stops me. Maybe he misses me too. Maybe he thought about me over the holidays and was also thinking about reaching out, but didn't. Maybe I hurt him by walking away, or he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me so he had to let me walk away. I don't really know. I just know I need some time to heal, and it hasn't been easy. They say it gets better everyday, but I'm still waiting for the "getting better" part of it.

 

Anyway, I won't bore you for now with all the details of what happened with my relationship, but know that you guys are not alone. I'm also with a broken heart trying to be strong. I'm sure I will be back here again and I'm glad this community exists for support.

 

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I have enjoyed reading all of them so far.

[Iamyoungjuan]

I was five days in until I cracked last night Reaching out is a bad idea I got the same answers that I got before I started NC but worse she is seeing someone else and admitted to having sex still don’t wanna see me or be bother with me

 

Now I have to start all over again