Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[Endnote]

@nolanola sometimes we have moments of weakness where our anxiety overtakes our logic and we find ourselves in this position. Haven't gotten to that point in a while, maybe in the very beginning I struggled heavily with staying off of my ex's social media, though I never crossed that line somehow. I'm definitely an advocate of staying off of social media, including anything related to an ex. As far as I'm concerned, I know I can't handle it.

 

 

 

As I said before, I'm already assuming my ex is with someone else. Even with this mindset, I know if I heard, saw, or found out that it's true I would be devastated. I think it would be probably give you some awful and unfulfilling type of closure, that arguably may prolong your healing. In my experience it's easier to get to the point where you don't care by not having any connection to your ex while trying to get there. That's my opinion.

 

 

 

That said, I'm struggling too. I've been sick for nearly a week, and the government shutdown has affected me in the sense that I haven't been paid since Dec 31st, but I'm still required to go to work (I haven't since I been sick though). Luckily I'm not hard up for money right now because I've built quite a savings for times like this. While I've been sick stuck at home I've had plenty of time to ruminate and not do jack sh*t because I just feel like crap. The other day I was contemplating whether my ex was with someone else and who it might be and I just ended my thought process literally saying "f*ck her" outloud. It was a good moment, as I followed it up with a laugh. The healing process is long and arduous, but I'm getting there.

 

 

You deserve better than feeling like this @nolanola, and you feel like this because of his actions and inaction. I'm not saying to cut him out of your heart and mind, I know how impossible that is. But just keep reminding yourself that he doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry it's making your day terrible, but as you know, it'll get better (just stay away from SM methinks!).

[nolanola]

Thanks @endnote. This has just been a really s****y week. It feels strange to spill so much of my personal things with complete strangers, but I got a really big setback this weekend (in addition to the anxiety of my ex being in town). I have been trying to have a baby for a while now. I have always wanted children and even froze my eggs years ago because I didn't have a significant other in my life at the time and was worried about getting older. I tried to get pregnant with those eggs over the summer, but they failed. I tried again recently, with the idea that using fresh eggs instead of frozen might work. After weeks of giving myself shots, back and forth to my doctor, and a lot of money, I underwent a procedure this weekend. Unfortunately, it was unsuccessful. It was devastating to say the least. There is something wrong with my eggs that they won't grow properly.

 

That was a big blow this weekend and it really affects how I feel about myself. I have been very successful in my life and career. I have had so many wonderful experiences and travels in my life, but have always felt incomplete because I have never had children. I lost my mother at 6 years old and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I know there are other options (adoption, egg donor) but the thought that my mother's genes won't go on is really devastating to me.

 

When I think of my ex and this woman (who, I honestly know very little about outside of what she has posted on her Facebook), I feel so small. My ex has two boys and loves children. This woman has two children and it just makes me feel awful to think that he probably loves that about her. While I can't have children. Maybe this is why I was feeling so bad about everything tonight.

 

It somehow feels really good to write all that out, although it is so personal to me.

 

I'm working on things. I think this is one of those really low "waves" that I'm in right now. Hope I will come up on a crest soon. Maybe will try to do some baking tonight. I love to bake and am making a cake for a get together tomorrow. That and watch a favorite movie maybe.

 

@endnote, I'm so sorry to hear you are affected by the shutdown. What a crappy situation for you, but I'm glad to hear that you are hanging on right now.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beach. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and looking forward to talking to her about all this. It just left a bad feeling in my chest. At least I didn't go and look at this woman's page. Although I did search for him in Facebook, I think because I was thinking I would stumble on a picture of them in a backhand way. Not smart, but there weren't any. Just a bunch of other pictures (ironically a bunch from my page that I had not deleted I guess), some of them of him at a charity event. Which made me even sadder.

 

But I'll get back on the horse and try to keep going.

 

That's good.

 

If I were you, I'd disconnect from social media for a few weeks. Atleast those sites that run risk of you seeing your ex. It doesn't have to be forever. I've done a couple of social media detoxes and I've always found my mind to feel so much clearer after a few weeks. The longer I've stayed off of it, the better I've felt and the more I've found my focus in life would return. Because of that, I've learned to reduce my use of it and I feel better for it. There's a lot of nice things about Social Media. You get to connect with people across the world. You get to market yourself. You get to join groups and connect with people and sell things. But then..

 

Social Media can really punish you, especially when you are reeling from a heartbreak. You don't realize the bombardment of subliminal messages regarding relationships, friendships, how life should be, what you're doing wrong, what you need to change etc..you're receiving per day. It's a lot. If you have 1000 people on your list who are all individually uploading their best adventures, filtered selfies, baby pics, pet pics, relationship pics, travel pics, statuses, etc. and are all choosing to show you only only what they want you to see..they are unknowingly, selling a false image of perfection. That power amplifies if you have other social media sites you are on that you roam around on. And because that's all we see on the daily, it affects us and we begin to compare idea that's been planted in our head against how we are feeling about ourselves in the moment. It's a completely unfair and unreasonable comparison but nonetheless, it does happen and in large numbers over time, can really kick your a**. If you're weak in the moment, that a**kicking is far worse.

 

Atleast for me..I've found it to be like this. I'm not sure if that makes sense but if it does..perhaps it's worth considering, if it is a possibility.

 

- Beach

Edited January 24, 2019 by Beachead

[Rayce]

@nolanola I am sending you <<<HUGS>>> Your story is so similar to mine... that is exactly why I deactivated my Facebook page. It has help so much. LS has replaced FB for me at the moment. lol... instead of trolling FB I am now trolling LS. I do miss seeing what's up with my contacts but I know they will be there when I am ready to go back. I still have urges everyday to log back on and see what's going on... It's almost as if I can hear him in my head telling me to log on because it's driving him crazy not knowing what is going on with me. lol... That thought keeps me from logging on. I hope he is going crazy in his analytical. mind wondering... lol... I am so wicked hehaheheheeee...

[nolanola]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a bit better this morning. Something about the sun shining can't help but make things seem a little bit better. I'm excited to see my therapist today. She always has good advice on how to deal with all this crap.

 

I think I'm going to stay off Facebook for a few weeks. Go NC from Facebook. I don't really go on it a lot right now, other than a group that I belong to. But I don't want the temptation to be there, just being on the page. I do wonder sometimes if I should take a break from LS too. I love the camaraderie and checking in with the screen names I've come to relate to, but I wonder if just talking about all this and reading so much about breakups is keeping me stuck. Maybe try to limit my time to once a day and spend the rest of the day reading, doing things around the house, exercising, and so forth.

 

Thanks again everyone for your support. This process feels so long and difficult, although I guess in the grand scheme of things, considering I've known this guy for almost 6 years 3 and a half months isn't that long.

[Endnote]

@nolanola, I'm really sorry to hear about our situation with having kids. That is really tough to cope with along with your current situation. I personally don't want kids but I know that many of us have that strong desire to start a family, but it isn't always in the cards. I hope you're doing okay in reference to that, that can be tougher than a breakup. I've known women in my life who have been unable to have kids that want to, so you're not alone. I am glad you're feeling better in reference to your ex though. In terms of Social Media I still am only on Insta, though I set a date of Feb 11th as the day I can return to FB, but at this point I don't have any desire to. I think sharing our healing process and coping strategies on here is very helpful, and I come on here often because I'm still struggling with my breakup. Talking and relating with others about it is very healing imo. Getting over this stuff takes time, and for me that could very well be a year from the breakup date. I hope it's not that much, but who knows. The worst of it is over for now.

Edited January 24, 2019 by Endnote

[Charlierose30]

Nola, I’m so so sorry you’ve been having such a rough time lately. You’ve had so much on your plate, I really feel for you right now. Sometimes this stuff is all so overwhelming, and add to that the fertility issues, and no wonder you’re feeling low. It’s a lot Nola.

 

Firstly, you’ve done so incredibly well at no contact. You’ve helped me so so much and inspired me so many times not to reach out. I know you’ll be beating yourself up for looking online, but you need to cut yourself some slack. Seriously. It’s a minor blip, and the fact that you recognise that you feel worse after doing it just means it’s more fuel for it not to happen again. And here’s another silver lining - you didn’t actually contact him! This is huge. It’s not like you reached out to him directly. In his mind, you’re still sitting pretty and not giving him a moments thought. You’re moving on. And if I were you this is what I’d be grasping on to. You’ve still got your pride, he’s still in the dark about you and that’s the ultimate aim.

 

Secondly, about the unsuccessful procedure. I’m so sorry, this is a huge blow. I really think you need to take some time to process this and grieve it properly. It’s a loss, and it’s important to treat it that way. I trust you’ll be speaking to your therapist about this? Again, I’m really really sorry you’re going through this.

 

In regards to social media, I was off it for a while and then recently went back on. But I’m about to get rid of it again! Not just because of my break up but because I’m general it doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel lacking a lot of the time and I don’t want or need those feelings, especially at this point in time. So I understand you there.

 

When I was younger, and having a rough time, my dad used to say to me “Just keep on keeping on”. And that’s what we have to do, as utterly painful as it is at times. Take care of yourself while doing it.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

I think that's a good move for you. You needed to talk it out when things happened. Now you have. Maybe the fact that you're thinking about taking a break from LS means you're ready to get back to moving forward. Get back to it and see how you feel. If you need support, the thread will be there for you.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

Thank you guys. I thought about not logging on tonight but am glad I did. Even though you guys are strangers, your input is so helpful and really cheers me up. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on LS, but right now I feel like just writing things out and reading how others are coping (and knowing that I'm not the only one that has certain thoughts) is really a lifeline.

 

@charlierose30, thank you for those thoughts about being kind to myself. I am really glad I didn't contact him and am forgiving myself for looking through his company Facebook page. Really glad I didn't see anything awful, so I will consider it a near miss. I hang onto those thoughts about NC as well. It helped me a lot in the past, so I think I will "keep on keeping on" with it again.

 

I talked to my therapist about everything yesterday, because last week was just total crap. She always has really good, practical suggestions about everything. I have been resisting going to the worst place with my ex, I think because I didn't want to believe that he would be a liar or a jerk. All I knew of him was the decent and honest person I had known for the past 5 years. And the lack of explanation from him made it hard -- or easy, really, to keep up a facade that it wasn't the worst case scenario. I could try to convince myself that I had made a mistake and confused things.

 

I got an email from someone that organizes our medical mission trip to confirm who all was going and his name was not on it. I was a bit thrown by that, as he's been on the trip even longer than I have (I think 7 years or something). They usually plan the trip with his schedule because the work he does there is very important. I'm not 100% that he's not going (a friend is checking her sources for me) but it made me feel a weird mixture of sadness, disappointment, and relief. Then I started wondering if any changes to his plans had to do with me and of course this made me feel terrible. But my therapist told me that I should look at that, if it's true, as being more about him than me. Meaning that he might not want to face me, because I am like a mirror for his bad behavior and a reminder that he hurt someone. While I'm not in his day to day life he can just push that down. But if he were confronted by it, it would be upsetting and uncomfortable. She called him wuss and that made me feel a lot better, to be honest. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to feel bad and I don't feel petty for saying that. He broke my heart.

 

As for the failed IVF, my therapist had some great suggestions about that as well. She shared that she had a child by IVF and struggled a lot. So I am talking to my doctor on Monday about other steps I can take. So I feel a little hope and that makes it somewhat easier.

 

I hope everyone else is having a good Friday and not dreading the weekend too much. @Endnote, I thought of you when I saw the government reopened today -- glad to see that.

[Rayce]

@nola so glad to read your are feeling more positive today. The sun was here today so I actually got out and did some yard work.

[nolanola]

Well, I guess this is closure, although it really hurts for me. After my last big conversation with my ex around the beginning of October, I was so confused by his responses to me. I had found out about a woman that he was apparently dating on Facebook and I texted him to say that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He wrote back and was surprised at first and asked me to tell him why I was upset with him. When I told him the he should have told me that he had a girlfriend and that I felt so stupid for still caring about him, he said that he didn't have a girlfriend at the time that we had last seen each other and there was nothing to tell. He said he still cared about me too and didn't feel stupid about it. I told him he could have told me anytime and that I felt like a speed bump he ran over after his divorce until he found someone he wanted to be with. He said it wasn't true and that he couldn't believe I felt that way. He said "I'm a little curious who you think I'm seeing" and said he was sorry if he hurt me at all. When I wrote back and said that I was confused how he didn't know who I was talking about since they had been doing so much traveling together (as I saw on Facebook), he didn't answer me.

 

So I was really confused about it. Especially when a month later he sent me a text wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and saying he really liked an article I had written. I was so confused by it and wondered if I had been wrong about everything. I had been going over and over this in my mind for so long, to the point that I even thought about getting in touch with him and apologizing!!

 

Well, today I just decided I needed to know. So I could be sure. And not wonder. So I went back to this woman's Facebook page to see if it was true. And it is. They seem pretty serious from what I can tell. He is introducing her to his friends and taking her on trips. One thing that was a little weird was that she had posted a picture of them that was removed that was captioned "Facebook official" and judging by the comments it was of the two of them. Someone asked her why it had taken so long to put up a picture and she said he was very averse to social media. And clearly so, since she had taken down the picture. I find that weird.

 

It's a strange feeling. I'm glad I know for sure and he now seems like such a jerk. He couldn't even be honest with me or tell me the truth. And to send that follow up BS message when he was clearly dating her is also so weird. I mean, if I hadn't confronted him, I wonder if he would have just continued on, texting me every few weeks.

 

I also feel so awful about myself right now. Why her and not me? It's so hard. I look at her and she seems so perfect. It feels like he just stepped on top of me, threw me in the trash, took up with her, and is happy as can be. Hurts a lot. I feel like they will probably get married. And I'll still be alone, feeling so hurt and sad.

[Endnote]

I'm really sorry @nolanola, I guess all I can really say is that, as you know, Social Media isn't a reflection of reality. As humans we have not been conditioned through centuries to be able to deal with this kind of societal mechanism, you're only seeing through the lens of this girl's social media, and not how it's really going, or how it will over time. For a while things may be good between them, but I doubt he'll be happy in the long run, because he clearly hasn't fixed his issues, after all he was practically lying to you directly ("I'm not sure who you're talking about"), what a load of sh*t. If he's willing to lie to you to assuage his guilt, what's to stop him from doing the same to who he's with now, or anyone for that matter?

 

I know you feel terrible right now, I can only quantify that pain with the thought that my ex is with someone else right now, even though I don't know (it's highly likely though). This is on our exes, not us. Remember that, and use this as an opportunity for true, painful closure. Vent on here all you want, we're all in your corner. If you feel the urge to confront him, I wouldn't recommend it, (I doubt you will) he's not worth another moment. Stay strong.

[nolanola]

I'm really sorry @nolanola, I guess all I can really say is that, as you know, Social Media isn't a reflection of reality. As humans we have not been conditioned through centuries to be able to deal with this kind of societal mechanism, you're only seeing through the lens of this girl's social media, and not how it's really going, or how it will over time. For a while things may be good between them, but I doubt he'll be happy in the long run, because he clearly hasn't fixed his issues, after all he was practically lying to you directly ("I'm not sure who you're talking about"), what a load of sh*t. If he's willing to lie to you to assuage his guilt, what's to stop him from doing the same to who he's with now, or anyone for that matter?

 

I know you feel terrible right now, I can only quantify that pain with the thought that my ex is with someone else right now, even though I don't know (it's highly likely though). This is on our exes, not us. Remember that, and use this as an opportunity for true, painful closure. Vent on here all you want, we're all in your corner. If you feel the urge to confront him, I wouldn't recommend it, (I doubt you will) he's not worth another moment. Stay strong.

 

Oh endnote, I don't know you in real life, but I love you for that. It was what I really needed. I took a screenshot, as I have with other good posts I've seen here.

 

It hurts bad, but I am glad I know because now I won't have to wonder. And thank goodness I didn't contact him to apologize!! Holy crap, that would have been bad.

 

I like your point about him basically lying to me. What a coward. I wish I could say "she can have him!" and mean it. Hopefully I will someday.

 

I will never contact him. He doesn't deserve to know that I ever think of him. I would love to tell him how awful he is, but it wouldn't do any good. I'm sure he's living it up right now with his new relationship and everything is fabulous. I guess our only recourse in these situations is to try to move on and let them wonder what happened to us.

 

Just wondering, if you heard from your ex, would you want to talk to her? Or have you progressed so far that you wouldn't want her back in your life? I remember feeling like with my previous ex, that I knew I was over him when I had no desire to ever see him again.

[Beachead]

I'll share with you something I went through..similar to how you feel right now.

 

I was in something that was exciting and amazing me to me awhile back. I was a bit rocky but I can say for a short time..I felt loved. I remember one day after we did the deed, my ex looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me. She said more than once. I also caught her daydreaming about our future a few times..just casually talking about it one day when we were out. Talking about kids and all. She had talked to her sister about me and had planned for me to meet her. This wasn't the first time someone was like this with me only to eventually walk away. It scared me to death and I talked to her about it. She told me to trust her and have faith.

 

Well long story short..other things happened that had to do with her ex and it sealed the deal for me that she wasn't over him. It just didn't make any sense to me and it was painful. I was forced to end it. She went back to him 2 days later. 2 weeks after, she cut me out of her life. I was angry and numb for months. It took a long time for the sadness to seep through.

 

When I think about the things she said to me, the way she was looking at me when she said it, the moments we shared..everything..the pain cuts deep. You feel used, cheated, lied to, betrayed. You share with this person your more deepest, intimate sides.

 

Couldn't breathe, couldn't think about anything else but her. Couldn't eat. Couldn't function. I found out she eventually married the guy inside of the year after we broke up..it hurt like a b*tch, but that was my closure. Things started to feel much better than they had ever been. It took a few weeks, but it happened. Truth is, if me and her had really had something special, she'd have been here with me, right now, and not some story of the past. Not some memory. She chose and that's all I needed to know. It couldn't get any worse than her marrying the guy for me..but it was exactly what I needed. The only way for me to have gone after that was up..and up I went.

 

I was a broken, miserable, suicidal man in that period of time (Due to letting go of a lot of people and failed relationships, failed career endeavours, health problems, family problems, financial problems etc.) Although I can't say 100%, I can say I am able to find joy in people and the simple things in life again. I can be passionate. I can smile..genuinely. Whether you want to or not or think you can or can't..doesn't matter..you're going get there as well.

 

Hang in there.

 

- Beach

Edited January 29, 2019 by Beachead

[Fekenaws]

I’m essentially 4 months in NC/the breakup and I miss my ex still, it just doesn’t consume every waking moment of my day anymore. Maybe it’s at like 50% now. I’m beginning to accept I probably won’t ever hear from her again, and that there are other girls out there would love to have my company. Exercise and dieting have been a big help, I’ve been losing weight very slowly but it feels good to be trying to get it under control.

[Rayce]

@nolanola I wish you peace. You are so brave to go looking on Facebook and after reading you post I am thinking I may have to stay off for an entire year. I know if I see anything related to him I am going to feel horrible... just thinking about seeing anything on Facebook makes me want to cry. I think Endnote is right we are not conditioned to deal with this kind of societal mechanism. I am still deeply shaken myself at how I reacted when seeing a post about my ex and some other woman. Seeing pictures of him with his wife never bothered me until after that last visit but now it's too much and like I said the thought just makes me cry. I am not sure if I will ever go back to Facebook.

[Beachead]

@nolanola I wish you peace. You are so brave to go looking on Facebook and after reading you post I am thinking I may have to stay off for an entire year. I know if I see anything related to him I am going to feel horrible... just thinking about seeing anything on Facebook makes me want to cry. I think Endnote is right we are not conditioned to deal with this kind of societal mechanism. I am still deeply shaken myself at how I reacted when seeing a post about my ex and some other woman. Seeing pictures of him with his wife never bothered me until after that last visit but now it's too much and like I said the thought just makes me cry. I am not sure if I will ever go back to Facebook.

 

I agree with that. I don't use social media the way I used to. I've cut down my use tremendously and apart from uploading some of my music and connecting with some family overseas, I don't use it for much else. I feel much clearer and better for it as well.

 

Back in the day before social media came into the picture, a break up was actually a break up. Apart from gifts/cards, an unwanted call or them showing up to our front door, we really had no other ties to our ex. You wouldn't have to see their post-breakup life updates. Now, we do. We're forced to see them carry on and it is a horrible feeling. Nobody has to sit there and put up with that because human interaction wasn't meant to be like that.

 

So if it makes you feel like sh*t right now, stay off of it. When you feel stronger, clearer, you can always come back.

 

- Beach

Edited January 29, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Thanks Beach. I do feel sort of a weight off me now, because now I know and I'm not questioning it anymore or feeling crazy. I worried for so long that he was upset with me because of what I said to him -- or that he thought I was nuts. Now I know I wasn't nuts. And I was right about what I said.

 

I do hope this helps and I'm cheered by what you said about starting to feel better a few weeks later. I do remember with my last ex once I was able to cut all ties to him (including removing him from my phone), I started feeling better too. I'm so happy I don't have to see this guy all the time or even hear about him if I don't want to. I had added his number back to my phone after he texted me at Thanksgiving, but I deleted it again. I don't want it there.

[nolanola]

@nolanola I wish you peace. You are so brave to go looking on Facebook and after reading you post I am thinking I may have to stay off for an entire year. I know if I see anything related to him I am going to feel horrible... just thinking about seeing anything on Facebook makes me want to cry. I think Endnote is right we are not conditioned to deal with this kind of societal mechanism. I am still deeply shaken myself at how I reacted when seeing a post about my ex and some other woman. Seeing pictures of him with his wife never bothered me until after that last visit but now it's too much and like I said the thought just makes me cry. I am not sure if I will ever go back to Facebook.

 

I don't know if I'm brave or really stupid, but I don't think it will be tough for me to avoid her page from now on. It was the not knowing that was eating me alive. And because I didn't know there was that tiny room in my heart to believe that I was all wrong and that things would be ok again. I think when the hope truly dies, that's when you can really move on. When you have even a tiny bit of hope, that's what holds you hostage.

 

I actually use some social media and don't think it will be too terrible, but it's mostly group that I'm involved in. So it's less about how great people's lives are and more about talking about topics. I usually just go straight to that page and avoid all the other posts.

 

Hopefully there won't be another opportunity for me to have to deal with him again. And like I said, thank goodness I don't have to run into him every day or risk running into him at the gas station or something. I always think about celebrities when they break up -- imagine having your heart broken and having to see you ex on a huge billboard all the time!!

 

And also -- here's a truly horrible story that a friend of mine told me tonight that made me feel a bit better. She was talking about how karma comes back on people and talking about a guy she had dated. She said they had been dating for a while, going out several times a week and she was really liking him. Then one day he called her and said "Sorry, I can't see you anymore because I'm getting married" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Needless to say, she was pretty upset about it. And also needless to say, he did get married, but now is known as a notorious cheater.

Edited January 29, 2019 by nolanola

[Endnote]

Just wondering, if you heard from your ex, would you want to talk to her? Or have you progressed so far that you wouldn't want her back in your life? I remember feeling like with my previous ex, that I knew I was over him when I had no desire to ever see him again.

 

 

I honestly don't know. I feel like I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure what allowing her back into my life in any context would do for me. I still have my own self-respect to uphold. Any apology or attempt at reconciliation on her part would only leave me heavily skeptical and somewhat cold. I've been burned enough to know that once people make this kind of move, they cannot be trusted, and building up that trust again would take well, a miracle.

 

 

Blocking my ex was a big deal, even though it happened really early after the breakup. She would literally have to show up at my doorstep to contact me, or contact me through a friend (not likely). I generally consider blocking a last resort, but at the end of the day, if your own healing requires it, then it should be done (and my healing required it). But once it's done, that's something that shouldn't be undone. Going back and forth on Social Media and real life looks really weak, it's best to hold to NC forever rather than slip and let someone that hurt you get another shot at it.

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to come back, this is the first time I've been broken up with where I didn't beg and plead and instead just walked away, but equally as important she brought a bunch of issues to the relationship that haven't been addressed at all, and really are only going to stick around because she doesn't seem to have any drive for personal growth, more so she just wants life to be easy. Like all of life's ironies she'd probably show up when I no longer give a sh*t, somehow they know right?

[nolanola]

I honestly don't know. I feel like I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure what allowing her back into my life in any context would do for me. I still have my own self-respect to uphold. Any apology or attempt at reconciliation on her part would only leave me heavily skeptical and somewhat cold. I've been burned enough to know that once people make this kind of move, they cannot be trusted, and building up that trust again would take well, a miracle.<snip>

I think the best thing that you can say in all this is that you held your head SO high. As you said, you didn't cry or beg and I'm sure she would respect that and probably be a bit confused by it. I think all of us, after the initial stage, wish that we had taken the same route in the beginning. Because then at least we could feel like we have our pride. So I'm somewhat jealous of you in that respect. All I can do now is to set my boundaries and stick with them going forward.

 

I also really agree with what you said about people taking issues from one relationship to the next. I do think people can change with work, but often people just use the same coping mechanisms or behaviors from person to person. I was thinking about what I saw on this woman's page. I can't help but think it can't be a good sign that he apparently won't let her post any pictures of him or of them together. Honestly she doesn't even refer to him by name - I just know it is him because of what I had seen previously. When he and I were together, he was very reluctant to bring me all the way into his life (which would have meant meeting his kids and I'm sure his ex wife). Judging from what I saw, it seems he's still doing the same things with his new person.

 

I mostly wish I could stop the loop in my head. The one that is constantly thinking about him and trying to make sense of it. And the reality is, I may never know anything. He doesn't seem to want to try to be honest with me or to clear things up. Not that there's anything to really clear up. I know the truth now and the only thing that I'm confused about it why he acted the way he did.

 

I really hope that Beach is right and that knowing the truth and knowing that the bit of hope that I had is now gone, it will make it slightly easier to move forward.

 

And yes, they do come back when you don't care anymore. I'm sure it's some kind of cosmic energy. Which is unfortunate, because when you don't hear from them until you really don't want to.

Edited January 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[Twizzlestick]

Uggghhh God. I’ve just made a mistake.

 

Was day 15 of NC. I cracked and rang my ex. Everyday I had control and felt ok. But I had the most uncontrollable urge. What set it off was having to go to a place we had a fantastic night at only 6 months before. I knew my ex was down in the south east of England, meeting up with new friends in prep for her move over there to start her Police training.

 

I rang. She was very friendly but fully in control. She was with her air hostess mate. They’d had a day out. What made it even worse is she was getting ready with her mate to go night clubbing in the town. She’d made no bones about dating New guys with some “memes” She’d posted. She asked about me but inky seemed interested when I went home to England. She sounded completely unaffected that I was going.

 

This has tore through me. I’m such a mess. She’s away a younger lass, starting a new career in an exciting part of the world and already out clubbing. I’m merely trash and don’t even feature in her rear view mirror.

 

I’m destroyed. I’ve never felt so low. I don’t want advice on not to look, yes yes I know that. I just wanted to talk my feelings. I’m so screwed.

 

I just can’t let go of her. It’s too overwhelming. It’s not like she’s even the same down the road. I don’t even recognise her. She’s away doing all this stuff. I don’t stand a chance for her to regret it.

 

She’ll be away with some new man. And I’ve just blown no contact and any sense of intrigue. She said she’ll call me on Friday. I just muttered “ok”. That’s 3 days of partying and excitement inbetween before she calls the low boy from her past.

 

I feel like a dog. A mongrel. Help meh!

[Beachead]

@nolanola

I really hope that Beach is right and that knowing the truth and knowing that the bit of hope that I had is now gone, it will make it slightly easier to move forward.

 

It will get better but make sure you focus on why you ended the relationship with him in the first place. It's important for you to get completely honest with yourself. There were obviously a sequence of events and issues that led to the break up and you did mention it was regarding him and his issues. I would focus on that.

 

I did that after my ex married. When I miss her..even now, I ask..why did it end? As much as I want to look back at that relationship favourably and paint her in this beautiful light, the actuality was she couldn't stop talking about her ex in our conversations and outings and it became so frequent that it couldn't be ignored anymore. She would leave because she wasn't exactly sure of what she felt and that isn't right. And it affected my confidence, made me insecure, made me not trust her, blew my anxiety up. I wasn't happy because it wasn't so pretty.

 

Once I do that, the urge to contact her or miss her is gone because I know I only miss what I wanted her and that relationship to be rather than what actually was.

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

Oh Twizzlestick, I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. I've felt it to and as terrible as it sounds, it actually helps to know that I'm not the only one. Being rejected is so horrible and it can really destroy your self esteem if you let it.

 

I know you don't want advice and I won't give any-- I've certainly had my own issues!! But one suggestion -- take a screen shot of your post and read it the next time you want to call her or message her. No one should feel so awful about themselves. Try to talk to yourself like you would a friend. It's ok to F it up. There are no grades here. Be kind to yourself today. Is it cold where you are? Make a nice dinner (or take out from your favorite place!) and watch a movie (I recommend Swingers to everyone, but I watched Begin Again last night and it was great - involved a breakup with a really good ending that won't make you barf).

Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[nolanola]

@nolanola

 

 

It will get better but make sure you focus on why you ended the relationship with him in the first place. It's important for you to get completely honest with yourself. There were obviously a sequence of events and issues that led to the break up and you did mention it was regarding him and his issues. I would focus on that.

 

I did that after my ex married. When I miss her..even now, I ask..why did it end? As much as I want to look back at that relationship favourably and paint her in this beautiful light, the actuality was she couldn't stop talking about her ex in our conversations and outings and it became so frequent that it couldn't be ignored anymore. She would leave because she wasn't exactly sure of what she felt and that isn't right. And it affected my confidence, made me insecure, made me not trust her, blew my anxiety up. I wasn't happy because it wasn't so pretty.

 

Once I do that, the urge to contact her or miss her is gone because I know I only miss what I wanted her and that relationship to be rather than what actually was.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach. I don't want to contact him. I never thought I'd say that (and it may change) but I don't want to talk to him. I want remorse from him, but I know I can't control that. I know someday I'll be ok to not get that.

 

One thing that was good about looking at Facebook yesterday, in addition to reaffirming my thoughts, was that I really don't think he has conquered his issues. As endnote so wisely noted, what kind of person would lie to me to make himself feel better? Why would I want that man? As much as I loved and admired things about him, that made me see (if only for a moment) that he's a coward. When confronted with how he treated me and hurt me, he lied, ran away and tried to pretend it never happened.

 

Thanks for all your support. I feel better today (clearly I'm at the top of the wave today). Banking this one for troughs ahead.