Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[Twizzlestick]

Oh Twizzlestick, I'm so sorry.).

 

Thanks Nolanola. It’s nearly bedtime where I am (Northern Ireland). Its freezing cold. Think I’ll just head to bed and watch a film.

 

I can’t believe how catapulted into oblivion I feel. I think it’s realising that despite me being in No contact her she was about to head out on the tiles chatting up men with her new mates in her new life she’s lookign forward to. She’s got it all going starting in the Summer to look forward to. It’s dripping from her. And I’m the old sofa, out for the bin men. And it feels like it’s my fault, that I blew my chance.

 

I don’t know what to do. She was so chatty and friendly. But it’s not good chatty and friendly. It’s the friendliness of someone who’s moved on. Said she’s going to ring Friday when back. That’s 3 days. I don’t know whether to take the call, ignore it and never ring again. My plan was to have one final word about how I would want to move forward, all that fish for hope. It sounds ridiculous now.

 

Maybe I should ignore the call, delete all social media and just launch myself into the oblivion of lost hope

[nolanola]

I know how you feel, not exactly, but close. I have been there and know that feeling of feeling like something someone tossed in the trash. Like I had no use for that person anymore. In my case, my ex has someone new. So he doesn't need me anymore (other than as a backup plan - how nice).

 

I can't tell you what to do if and when she calls on Friday. I think hope is actually the worst thing in this situation (normally I'd say hope is good, but not here). Because it keeps you really stuck. She can go out and have fun because she knows you're hung up on her. Sorry to be blunt. She's feeling her power. And I don't think it's malicious at all. I do think she would be upset if she knew you were hurting. But that's not going to make her snap back and want to get back together. It's just going to make her feel secure in living her life now.

 

What might make her snap back? Losing you from her life and then realizing that it sucks without someone that really cares for her. Yes, she's going to go out and meet some men. She might date them, as much as that sucks. A lot of them will probably be players or jerks and it might not go as well as she thinks. That might be when she realizes that she misses you.

 

I know it's hard and please don't beat yourself up. It takes as long as it takes and I totally understand.

[Twizzlestick]

I know how you feel, not exactly, but close. I have been there and know that feeling of feeling like something someone tossed in the trash. Like I had no use for that person anymore. In my case, my ex has someone new. So he doesn't need me anymore (other than as a backup plan - how nice).

 

I can't tell you what to do if and when she calls on Friday. I think hope is actually the worst thing in this situation (normally I'd say hope is good, but not here). Because it keeps you really stuck. She can go out and have fun because she knows you're hung up on her. Sorry to be blunt. She's feeling her power. And I don't think it's malicious at all. I do think she would be upset if she knew you were hurting. But that's not going to make her snap back and want to get back together. It's just going to make her feel secure in living her life now.

 

What might make her snap back? Losing you from her life and then realizing that it sucks without someone that really cares for her. Yes, she's going to go out and meet some men. She might date them, as much as that sucks. A lot of them will probably be players or jerks and it might not go as well as she thinks. That might be when she realizes that she misses you.

 

I know it's hard and please don't beat yourself up. It takes as long as it takes and I totally understand.

 

Thanks. You’ve made me feel better actually.

 

You’re so right about gojng out and having fun cos she knows I’m hung up. I was so angry with myself for that reason. Before I called I thought I had all the worse case scenarios planned. Except that one. That was horrific. I’ve just validated and empowered her even more. Ugggh

 

As much as it hurts, her dating other men doesn’t hurt as much IF I could feel confident that she’d have her run of bad dates and bad men, like other poor girls seem to have to suffer. I chat to the good looking lasses at work and I think “they’d have their pick surely” but they tell me it’s suprisingly hard. They clearly aren’t swayed easily. Good for them. That way I feel my memory might be vindicated. But what I know is she’s stunning looking and very easy to go out with. She’s target fixed for a new Man so I can see her clapping her eyes on some smooth talker and it being straight into happy happy land. It’s a bad combo.

 

She’s not one of these lasses who’s very judgemental. She spent all her adult life with me and seems like She’s like a kid in a sweet shop now. If any old Jamie Dornan lookalike (all young confident men seem to look like that clown these days) with the flashy confidence met her she’d be putty. As a man I know how other blokes can easily pull that charm off. I’m stuffed. She’s made no bones she’s looking.

 

I’m also in pain as I’ve given up that tiny bit of self respect I felt I’d clawed back with NC. It’s all blown to pieces now. Suppose could just take the call Friday and keep it brief then go back to how I was. I can’t see myself having the restraint to keep it brief.

 

How do I that losing me from her life bit? I mean, so she feels it?

Edited January 29, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Beachead]

Thanks. You’ve made me feel better actually.

 

You’re so right about gojng out and having fun cos she knows I’m hung up. I was so angry with myself for that reason. Before I called I thought I had all the worse case scenarios planned. Except that one. That was horrific. I’ve just validated and empowered her even more. Ugggh

<SNIP>

 

First thing I'd do is I would type the phone conversation out and save it. Her dialogue, yours. Type it out like a script. It sounds stupid but I've done this and I was glad I did because the coming months when I got weak, I would go back to it and read it and remember how miserable I felt that day and how humiliated I felt attempting to reach out. That alone was enough to stop me from contacting her. I would also write a journal letting your thoughts out as well. And I would save both of them. Everyday you should read it..especially the phone conversation that you've typed.

 

I know how miserable you feel so I wouldn't blame if you caved and took that call on Friday but if I were you, I wouldn't. It's even possible she won't call you and make you feel worse. Exes are capable of appearing quite heartless during times like this. Even if she does call you, how sincere will the conversation really be? Can you be real with her? Can she be real with you? You're in so much pain, consumed by anxiety. You're not you right now and you shouldn't be talking to her that state. For that reason, I would stay silent and not take that call.

 

Right now, she's riding the high of exiting a 11 year relationship that she probably felt trapped in for a long while and guilty that she was feel as such while with you. Now she is boundless and free to explore her life. I know it'll hurt you to hear this but yes, she will meet guys but right now, fresh out of a breakup, those guys will be transitional. She just got out of a long relationship and is unlikely to want something new that'll put the handcuffs back on her again. Right now, she's looking for something non-committal. Short-term. She knows how you feel, she knows you're hurting, she knows she's the reason, and she doesn't want any part of that responsibility because that responsibility is part of the committment she is trying to get away from right now. There is nothing you need to say or do with her. Nothing you can say anyway. Silence and time apart will do more work for the both of you than anything you could ever tell her. If she has something valuable to say, she'll find a way to say it.

 

Something I can tell you though is she will get it out of her system and the novelty of wanting that freedom will go away and with the time away from you, she will begin to remember you what you two shared...this will happen especially if she hasn't met anyone. She will think about you my friend. 11 years was a long time. You don't just forget that. Not even a seemingly heartless dumper (They have a heart and they are feeling things as well. They deal with it differently). Now whether that translates to her returning back to you or not, I don't know.

 

Just know, holding on to hope will be excruciating for you and the best move you have right now is to carry forward. Vent here. Vent on your thread, the No Contact Support Thread or the Coping Thread. Talk to a friend, talk to family. Anyone but her.

 

- Beach

Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

 

How do I that losing me from her life bit? I mean, so she feels it?

 

Um, honestly? Go NC. Sorry. Have you ever heard that expression "how can I miss you when you won't go away"?

 

I dated a guy when I was younger that I didn't treat very well. We started dating when I was really young and he was the only person I had ever been with until I was 21. I was in college and wanted to see what else was out there. I thought every guy would be like my boyfriend, who was very kind to me and loved me. I met another guy and dumped my boyfriend (yes, I realize this story makes me sound pretty bad). For a little bit I was happy, because the new guy was exciting and all that. But you know what? He turned out to be not a nice guy, cheated on me, and dumped me (I deserved it, honestly). That's when I realized how good my ex really was. I went back to him and we got back together. If it's any consolation, I still feel bad about how I treated him, 20 years later.

 

She probably has it in her mind that she needs to get out and experience life. And she does, honestly. I know that hurts. What you have going for you? You're someone that loves her, unlike so many of the jerks she's going to meet in bars.

 

I understand how hard it is. Believe me. My ex is dating a woman that posts numerous pictures of herself in various workout outfits and sports bras online. Talk about feeling less than. So I get it. But unfortunately, this is what she's doing. You can't control it.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beach. I don't want to contact him. I never thought I'd say that (and it may change) but I don't want to talk to him. I want remorse from him, but I know I can't control that. I know someday I'll be ok to not get that.

 

One thing that was good about looking at Facebook yesterday, in addition to reaffirming my thoughts, was that I really don't think he has conquered his issues. As endnote so wisely noted, what kind of person would lie to me to make himself feel better? Why would I want that man? As much as I loved and admired things about him, that made me see (if only for a moment) that he's a coward. When confronted with how he treated me and hurt me, he lied, ran away and tried to pretend it never happened.

 

Thanks for all your support. I feel better today (clearly I'm at the top of the wave today). Banking this one for troughs ahead.

 

Yep, that's the one thing about getting weak and popping on social media for a quick peak. It can actually remind of why you moving forward is best. Puts things into perspective. Everytime you wound yourself, it becomes less likely you'll do it again because you add more reasons to the list not to. Sometimes we need to work our way up to that point..as I did in my own situations.

[Morello]

I agree with beachead. Breaking NC and looking at an ex's social media is terrible but when you see proof that they actually moved on, it makes it all much easier once the grieving period from finding out is over. It's like a necessary part of your acceptance. There is just no questioning about their intentions anymore.

 

I've just been broken up with (we were just dating for about 3 months so it's not like a break up in itself) and having initiated NC straight away was the best thing I've done. It made me much stronger and confident and the impact on my self-esteem was minimal. Obviously, it's much easier to do that with a short term relationship but anyway. It's always the best shot you have. We shouldn't even try to reason with them, ask questions. Once they say they wanna leave, just open the gate and let them go and make sure you close that gate afterwards.

[Twizzlestick]

 

Just know, holding on to hope will be excruciating for you and the best move you have right now is to carry forward

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach.

 

I had a dream last night where she was wavering. Then I woke up. I can’t believe I’ve hurt myself again, by mistake this time, just misfortune down to carelessness. I thought I had her on mute on instagram. When I woke I unlocked the phone as my sister messaged last night - and the page was still on instagram. It had updated itself and I came face to face with pics of her and her mate out with a pair of men. I don’t doubt they’re randomers. But she put that on there.

 

I was up at 06:00am. I’ve spent all morning walking asking how to let go. Crying in short bursts listening to the birds. Pitiful. I’m a pale of the man I was.

 

I know this is the only mission. Mentally let go, of hope. Deleting and blocking (or asking her to block me, I can’t reverse that I suppose) will stop me from adding jabs of agony but I’ve reaslised it won’t stop me from hoping. All the physical barriers are only aids. To let go. That’s mental. How do I let go? I feel only then can I start the long process.

 

Any help with the thinking process of letting go? I think last night sent a thunderbolt through me. It might have been what I needed.

 

Thank you so much. Twizz

[Twizzlestick]

.

 

Hey Nolanola

 

I really feel for you having to witness that. It’s incredibly painful. I feel like my ex has left me for another man. It’s not a man she’s met yet, but rather I know her intention. Also not just a man, she’s left me for a whole other life.

 

As I said to Beach, by sheer bad luck I was inflicted to further pain this morning. I’ve been up since 6am. I get up early at the moment.

 

I need to let go. Abandone hope. I know I’ll be lost to this forever otherwise.

 

There’s a film called “all is lost” with Robert Redford. It characterises letting go and grief very well. The whole film is allegorical. It’s not a literal film (about a man on a sinking boat). I’d recommend it to anyone in our position.

 

Even films feel hijacked to me. We had a shared love of cinema and would spend many happy hours together. We saw that film together. But I want things like that to belong to me too. I wish she’d detach from my mind.

 

I want to let go. I can’t. I just need to. It’s killing me.

[Charlierose30]

Hey Twizzelstick,

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s a horrible thing to wake up to and I can only imagine how you feel and felt when you came across the photos. I can hear the pain in your words, and I know exactly how you feel. Please remember you’re not alone in this. I tell myself to just take things day by day. Just focus on getting through today. And if that seems like a lot, then I focus on getting through the next hour. It helps to try and stay present and focus on what’s happening right now if at all possible.

 

Have you heard of Radical acceptance? It helped me a lot when I was in that whirlpool of pain and anguish that I couldn’t see a way out of. It’s a different way of looking at things and I think it would help you. Google it, there’s also some videos on YouTube about it. Won’t hurt to check it out.

 

Nola, you have had such a tough time recently, I’m so sorry. How are you holding up?

[Twizzlestick]

Hey Twizzelstick,

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s a horrible thing to wake up to and I can only imagine how you feel and felt when you came across the photos. I can hear the pain in your words, and I know exactly how you feel. Please remember you’re not alone in this. I tell myself to just take things day by day. Just focus on getting through today. And if that seems like a lot, then I focus on getting through the next hour. It helps to try and stay present and focus on what’s happening right now if at all possible.

 

Have you heard of Radical acceptance? It helped me a lot when I was in that whirlpool of pain and anguish that I couldn’t see a way out of. It’s a different way of looking at things and I think it would help you. Google it, there’s also some videos on YouTube about it. Won’t hurt to check it out.

 

Nola, you have had such a tough time recently, I’m so sorry. How are you holding up?

 

 

Thank you Charlierose.

 

I reallt can identify with that, one day at a time, hour by hour. Its how it feels emotionally, I’ll try approaching my situation like that. I’ll look up radical acceptance. Thanks for the heads up, I will give any resource a try. I’m turning my energy onto letting go of hope. Maybe that’s not how it works, that wanting doesn’t work, but i want to be there now. I want to let go. Man that makes me shaken saying it. I want to want to. If that makes sense.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beach.

 

Any help with the thinking process of letting go? I think last night sent a thunderbolt through me. It might have been what I needed.

 

No problem Twizzlestick. You can shoot me a PM if you need to. I don't want to hijack Nolanola's thread.

 

When we are broken up with, it's like an automatic reflex to want to stay in contact with them. We'll take anything we can get, just need to be around them because it soothes the overwhelming pain. It doesn't matter if it's a "friendship", it doesn't matter if we don't talk to them, as long as we can atleast see them on social media. We're hope addicts. And we're in withdrawal desperately seeking our fix of hope from anything or anyone who can give it and take us away from reality. That's where you're at right now.

 

Unfortunately, nothing will stop you from hoping Twizzlestick. Things are too fresh at the moment. It's going to take time and more pain. Hope has to be broken down over time, by a series of painful truths that you will eventually come to discover. Those discoveries (Rude Awakenings) will give you more and more clarity and understanding of your situation and yourself. You'll use it to help you get through the bad times. As more time passes, you'll gain more which means, it'll get easier to deal with. Because your relationship was longer, it may take you longer to get there, but the process is the same.

 

The act of taking her off of social media is a way for you to acknowledge to yourself, it's over and you are moving passed it. It's to get you to go down the path of focusing on you. This is analogous to keeping your workspace clean to help you focus better. You don't have to block or delete her, but keep in mind, you two will not be friends, so what place do you have in her life? While you see her move on, you'll have 11 years worth of feelings to let go of. That is no easy task. And she will be on her toes with you everytime you two talk, wondering if she's leading you on. Wondering if you have hope or are waiting on her. You two can't be real with one another. Another thing to think about is, if you're available and reachable, how can she ever miss you? She needs to feel that silence, the reality. She needs to be free to date other guys and perhaps come to realize, what you and her shared was better..but she has to go through that on her own.

 

We don't know what will happen in the future but we do know what's happening right now. You need to proceed on the now. If I were you, I would let her know you're hurting won't be around for awhile and that entails taking her off of social media. If you vocalize that and stick to it, there's nothing she can say. She wanted to end it, she's got it. This is what happens. She needs to understand the reality. It's not to punish her or to win her back, it's to help you move passed things. You don't want her to see you going through this mess..trust me.

 

- Beach

Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Twizzlestick]

.

 

One thing that was good about looking at Facebook yesterday, in addition to reaffirming my thoughts, was that I really don't think he has conquered his issues. As endnote so wisely noted, what kind of person would lie to me to make himself feel better? Why would I want that man? As much as I loved and admired things about him, that made me see (if only for a moment) that he's a coward. When confronted with how he treated me and hurt me, he lied, ran away and tried to pretend it never happened.

 

Thanks for all your support. I feel better today (clearly I'm at the top of the wave today). Banking this one for troughs ahead.

 

Hi Nolanola

 

How are you today? I was thinking about yourself and this thread earlier this afternoon and all the folk on it. It’s a comforting thread with some good folk on it with empathy and experience. It’s stayed in my mind.

 

Reading the intolerable pain you’ve been put through got me thinking. It seems so common to all of us where the blood letting constantly re occurs. Social media. I don’t know what hurts more, living in the dark always wondering or when we find out? I’m not sure. As mentioned maybe this nasty discovery might be provided to you by something to give you what you need. A final push. It seems so trite saying, but it could push you into a stage of acceptance and push you along to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I work like that. My mind can’t drop the matter until it feels it’s tried everything, every angle. Until a big finger pops up and says no.

 

I was wondering in absence of blocking if there’s another way to stop from logging onto social media. It occurred to me I could get my sister to change my passwords, write them down and hide them. I’d prob end up begging my sister trying to buy her off with bottles of wine to give me the passwords. A bit like that film tropical thunder where a drug addled Jack Black is tied to the tree.

 

Hope you’re doing ok today.

[nolanola]

Thanks Twizzlestick, for thinking of me. It was a good day today because I had a long day at work today. That sounds weird, but I do mostly love my work and being there and focused on other things makes me feel good. It also makes me feel like I can move on, because I don't think about him a lot when my mind is occupied.

 

I 100% agree with what Beach said: we are hope addicts. We have a hard time letting go of our exes, whether that means seeing them or talking to them. Then, when that gets taken away, we have to try hard to not contact, because we just want to reach out to prove that they still care, they haven't forgotten us, will still write back. Then, when that goes, we hang on to whatever shred we can get, which usually means social media. Even when that's gone, the only thing left is to hang onto hope. Hope that they didn't really mean it, they will come back, they'll realize we're the one for them. Hope is the last thing and the hardest to let go of.

 

One thing that helped me, other than some time (we've been NC for around 4 months) was accepting that he was a jerk to me and that he has so many flaws. And I think that was why looking at Facebook actually helped me at that moment. It made me see that my ex is shady in so many ways (not letting his new woman post any pictures of him or of them together?!?!). It made it real that he wasn't honest with me, evaded the truth, and tried to gloss over it like it never happened. I used to think he was so wonderful and now he just seems so shady and cowardly. That helps a lot. It still burns and hurts, but that helps.

 

The thing that is the worst for me? I hate that I let him devalue me. I'm so upset with myself for it. I did it in my last relationship and I did it again with him and I hate that. I feel ashamed when I think of how I would jump when he called or texted or wanted to see me. I loved him so much and thought he was so great. I hate that I didn't love myself more.

 

How do you stop logging onto social media? You just have to set your mind to not do it. It takes something like 28 days to form new habits, so it's not an easy process. I think you might want to start with one thing at a time, since this is a relatively new breakup and it was such a long relationship. Others might say just go totally cold turkey and I'm not sure that's wrong either. The only truth is that you won't stop contact or stop looking at her media until it becomes more painful to look than to not look. She's living her life and seems to be moving on for right now. Whether you keep contacting her or not, or looking at her social media or not, she is going to keep going out and living her life. You cannot control that. If you keep looking, you're going to see things that break your heart. That might be good, in the sense that it shocks you into reality. Or it might be horrible, in that it depresses you. I wish I had a quick fix you. That's why I titled this thread what I did...because even though I know that NC works and it helped me get over what I thought I NEVER would, it still sucks every time.

 

Hang in there, just keep going. Challenge yourself to not contact her for this evening. If you can make it through that, tell yourself you won't contact her today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Take it a piece at a time.

[Endnote]

I'm curious @nolanola, if you think it would be advantageous for me to find out if my ex is in a relationship. Despite operating under the assumption that she already is, maybe it would help me do more to close the door. I've done everything I can physically and changed things in my life accordingly, but I'm still struggling with hope and fantasizing about my ex, and maybe it's because I don't have much of a clue what drove her to leave. I feel somewhat stuck. I've reflected on my divorce and I started moving on immediately from that (since she was cheating, it was clearly a straightforward path) but because of the circumstances I never got an apology or heard anything from my exwife that was of substance. But even that took almost a year before indifference became good company.

 

In terms of my current breakup, despite going strong with NC and having a very clear plan for healing, I still miss my ex greatly and struggle to accept that it's over, emotionally speaking. I can't decide if knowing anything about her would help or hinder my healing, and here I am 5 months in and while I feel better the struggle to move on is more difficult than i recall from years ago. Maybe when you hit the 6 month mark you can let me know if you think finding out the truth put you on the path you needed. In the meantime I'll stick with my plan until the data is clearer, as I think for my own emotional health my own truth is the only truth that matters, and maybe I just need more time than I wished.

[Twizzlestick]

.

 

The thing that is the worst for me? I hate that I let him devalue me. I'm so upset with myself for it.

 

I read back in the thread you mentioned boundaries. I’ve been through a similar where I devalued myself. I know the pain of it, especially when the takers have finished and waltz off.

 

Didn’t start out like that just slid into being a bit too Co dep last half. She became someone who had no problems giving ultimatums. And me, ended up busting my boundaries, allowing my career to be dictated. All in my thread. Final kick in the teeth was she mentioned lack of respect when ending it. Ugggh lol

 

I’ve seen counselling and took that to make me stop shouldering the entire guilt of responsibility and realise quite what that girl put me through.

 

But that feeling of devaluation, I know that. It’s dire. And if your ex is anything like mine they didn’t do a good job of hiding the impression they view you lower when ending it.

 

One thing the counsellor said is we tend to get the crappy end of the stick being the ones who sacrificed our boundaries. With me it was my principles and own wishes. We get used up. The other party never was in it as much so tends to waltz off letting us quite happily feel low. I’ve used this to empower myself and realise how unjust it is. Like in your shoes the behaviour of your ex. I think it’s rare for boundaries to shift without there being a problem. One person can’t do it on their own with a “normal” partner. It needs a “taker” to be a caretaker. But the takers rarely seek help as they’re least likely to self assess. Just us that end up doing that. It’s a tough deal.

Edited January 31, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[nolanola]

I'm curious @nolanola, if you think it would be advantageous for me to find out if my ex is in a relationship.

 

Gosh endnote, I don't know. If you look at her Facebook, there are a few possibilities: 1. You see she has pictures of her with someone but the situation is unclear. That might drive you a bit crazy trying to figure it out - analyzing pictures or comments for clues that they're serious or not 2. You don't see anything incriminating. This would reassure you for a while, but it also keeps hope burning because if she's single there's hope she'll come back. 3. You see her with someone and she either says he's her boyfriend or alludes to it. Would really hurt but might be the kick in the pants you need to realize it's over.

 

In my situation, I think because my ex had been stringing me along for so long and didn't give me any clear answers when I confronted him straight out, I was left with so many questions and doubts. I knew what I felt in my gut, but worried that I had been unfair or wrong. Seeing that I wasn't wrong and realizing how shady his behavior had been was really important for me. It's not a cure all, because I still have a hard time reconciling that with the guy that checked on me for weeks after I had surgery just a few weeks prior with a guy that would lie and evade. I thought he was a good man. When I told him he wasn't the person I thought he was, that was my gut response and for a long time I worried I had been way too harsh. But now I know that what I said was right, my gut knew what my heart didn't want to accept.

 

I suspect you are still idealizing your ex to some extent. Perhaps that's why you're holding onto some hope. Because you're remembering all the other things about her rather than the cruel way she ended things over email. That is shady. Who does that? I also think we hold onto the memories of the relationship and how it made us feel and THAT'S what we want back. Falling in love and being loved are some of the best things in life. And, at least for me, they aren't so common. It had been a really long time since I had felt it. I often drive past the park where my ex and I went on one of our first dates. We took a paddle boat out on the lake and talked for hours, watching the sunset. It was pure magic, like a movie. It still makes me so sad sometimes, because I want that back. And it's so hard to reconcile that guy with the guy that wouldn't tell me the truth.

 

All that to say that maybe seeing signs that your ex is with someone else will take away that last shred of hope or good will you have towards her. Good will isn't the best term, but I think you know what I mean. You'll take her off the pedestal and realize that although you had wonderful times together for 7 years, she also treated you like s**t at the end. And that's as much of who she as whatever wonderful things she did or said in the relationship.

 

You're getting awfully close to 6 months. Her Facebook will still be there in another month. Do you feel like you need to look now or do you think you could wait and see if this is just a passing thought? I haven't sat down to see when six months is for me, but I guess I should. Actually, as I'm counting on my fingers, I'm realizing I'm only at 3 months. I thought it was longer. Not sure what that says about me...6 months for me won't be until the end of April. I certainly hope I am in a very different place by then.

 

I think it takes a very long time. 6 months in light of 7 years is a short time. My best friend left me a message last night and told me that I needed to start telling myself "I WILL get over him" "I WILL love again". I tried it this morning when I first woke up (which is sometimes a really hard time for me) and it felt good. Much better than thinking "I can't get over him". Maybe, just for a while, try it for yourself? Because you know you will...you've done it before after your divorce.

[nolanola]

I read back in the thread you mentioned boundaries. I’ve been through a similar where I devalued myself. I know the pain of it, especially when the takers have finished and waltz off.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. My ex didn't necessarily say or let me know that he didn't respect me, but I think it was more subtle than that. It happened so slowly that I think it's not super obvious. I just wanted to keep him in my life so badly that I was willing to do almost anything. When he would come into town and want to see me, I would drop everything at a moment's notice. I was terrified that if I didn't get to see him I wouldn't see him again. He would stop getting in touch for a while and I would wonder what was going on with him. I would feel anxious and get all worked up about how I needed to cut it off, make him feel bad. But then when he would get in touch again, I would be so happy to hear from him that I would write back right away.

 

I still struggle with boundaries and it's one of the things that I want to work on the most with my therapist. I want to make sure that the next chance at love I get, I set boundaries right from the start.

 

Do you struggle with boundaries too? It seems like you might and you also might want to consider what's going on now (struggling to stay NC) as a form of difficulty with boundaries. We have boundaries with other people but we should also have them with ourselves. It's not ok to talk to ourselves hatefully or to put ourselves down. We shouldn't do things that we know will only hurt ourselves, like text our exes. That's super touchy-feely, but just something I'm thinking about. If I had a person in my life that said things to me like "she's so much prettier than you" or "if you hadn't slept with him so soon he'd still be around", I don't think I'd want that person in my life. Maybe I should use those same boundaries on myself. That part of me is not allowed to say those things to the other part of me.

 

It's early and I'm very philosophical this morning! I hope your day across the pond is going well. How are feeling about things today? I know your ex had said she was going to call on Friday...how are you feeling about that?

[Twizzlestick]

 

Do you struggle with boundaries too? It seems like you might and you also might want to consider what's going on now (struggling to stay NC) as a form of difficulty with boundaries. We have boundaries with other people but we should also have them with ourselves. ?

 

Morning! I do struggle with them I think, it didn’t start like so in the rele, just developed when she started to change. In hindsight I can see other areas where I have let my boundaries slide.

 

That’s very true isn’t it about us now during this period? We’re intrusive with ourselves. Having come from a situation where someone has taken advantage of good nature one tends to feel low self esteem. Naturally everyone does anyway after being dumped, but I think for us who’ve allowed our boundaries to be tested you feel particularly lost. So like you say, we’re our own enemies during this period as we allow ourselves to internalise blame and self criticism.

 

Although in your situating you mention it was subtle, I think that’s how it is. When it gets too obvious we stand a chance of drawing our lines, it’s the subtlety that gets you. Like a dripping tap. Before you know it you’re giving yourself away and rationalising alsorts of little things that aren’t quite right from your partner’s side.

 

It’s really cold over here and snowed last night. I’ve been largely the same just in limbo. I’ve no idea what to do about tomorrow. She was so cheerful on the phone so I know the problem isn’t going to be her being moody. Rather something even worse, full of the joys after spending a week away in prep for her new life and completely superior to her ex.

 

I don’t know. I know I’ll crack who am I kidding, I’ll prob end up yacking about if she did reconsider how I’d see us doing at and that I for myself don’t wish things the way they were. It’s crap becuase you’ve never said enough in your head. There’s always that one final thing that pops up. All this stuff is about is fishing for hope.

 

Options are

 

1/ ignore altogether. Expect subsequent angry texts accusing me of game playing.

 

2/ ignore initially then a day later drop a text saying “sorry I missed your call I was up to my eyes with moving logistics, but sure we can chat soon”. Kind of fencing it off.

 

3/ answer (to be fair I kind of agreed when she suggested it) and keep it airy, avoid “the elephant in the room” and make excuses to go. That’ll lead me to go away full of anxiety I think

 

4/ answer and end up hope searching and hope to Hell she doesn’t put me on the spot like she did before with “where does that leave is regarding contact” (I always cave in and say sure feel free to drop me a line - she never does)

 

 

Mmm.

Edited January 31, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[nolanola]

Twizzlestick, this is an excellent time for boundaries. You know what the best thing for you to do is. You need to stop talking to her. It is going to continue to hurt to hear how she is moving on without you. Like you say, it is almost certain she will be happy, because she's just had a fun few days and is on a roll. She knows you want her back, so she can take her time, explore her options, and let you sit there. The thing about boundaries is that you do what is best for you, not what will make the other person happy. You also set boundaries to protect yourself, not to get the other person to act one way or the other. She's going to be upset when you set a boundary. This is almost certain.

 

When reading your options, I see you thinking about how she will react to what you do. That is irrelevant. She broke up with you -- how fair is that?! Who gives a crap if it's fair that you said you'd talk to her? With option one, you're worried she's going to be angry. So what? With option 2, it's kind of playing games, but honestly I think it's a good balance. I know you don't want to leave things in a bad place with her, so it gives you a chance to be civil with her but still set a boundary. That's honestly what I would do.

 

When my ex sent me a total BS text a month after I confronted him, I ignored it. I had NEVER done that, ever. I was always so afraid that he would go away and not talk to me again. But I knew I had to stand up for myself. I'd let myself become so devalued that I had to do something. And that small act of defiance gave me the worst anxiety. It still does, sometimes, and that was months ago now. I worried forever that he was going to hate me, think I was a total b***h, or whatever. I still do. But I also know that now he knows that he can't just pretend it didn't happen, that he really upset me, and that there aren't consequences to his actions. And whether that affects him at all, I have no idea. But I feel better about myself, and that's what matters.

 

I'll leave you with these two thoughts: Nothing changes if nothing changes. And in that same vein (my Dad says this all the time): doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.

[xweeverx]

Hey everyone. Hope you are having a good day today.

I have been doing good with NC for about a week now, and yesterday my ex sent me a text...

 

"Hi there, just wanted to say hi. How are you doing?"

 

My response about an hour later...

 

"Hola. Doing good. Hope you are warm and well."

 

I know it doesn't really matter, but does that response sound cold or angry? I was trying to respond in a neutral tone. I also understand that my ex probably sent that just to make herself feel better.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey everyone. Hope you are having a good day today.

I have been doing good with NC for about a week now, and yesterday my ex sent me a text...

 

"Hi there, just wanted to say hi. How are you doing?"

 

My response about an hour later...

 

"Hola. Doing good. Hope you are warm and well."

 

I know it doesn't really matter, but does that response sound cold or angry? I was trying to respond in a neutral tone. I also understand that my ex probably sent that just to make herself feel better.

 

Greetings weever. Oo you got one, it’s like a fishing chat lol. I’m sure others will be able to give you their experience. Couple of observations. I can’t tell you what to do, but don’t think these would hurt.

 

Leave it a little longer to reply. Not so long it looks odd but a text half a day or a day later doesn’t hurt. Also if they give 40 percent give 30 percent. Don’t go stronger on greetings and excitement. His message sounded really half bothered to me. It’s only been a week of NC too.

 

Sounds like that text is just a fishing trip to see if you’re still there. Lucia on Art of love would’ve said to ignore that one and wait ha.

 

See what he says back but if more of the same, I’d just leave it. You don’t want that horrid feeling of being left hanging. Make them do the work seems to be the advice.

[xweeverx]

Greetings weever. Oo you got one, it’s like a fishing chat lol. I’m sure others will be able to give you their experience. Couple of observations. I can’t tell you what to do, but don’t think these would hurt.

 

Leave it a little longer to reply. Not so long it looks odd but a text half a day or a day later doesn’t hurt. Also if they give 40 percent give 30 percent. Don’t go stronger on greetings and excitement. His message sounded really half bothered to me. It’s only been a week of NC too.

 

Sounds like that text is just a fishing trip to see if you’re still there. Lucia on Art of love would’ve said to ignore that one and wait ha.

 

See what he says back but if more of the same, I’d just leave it. You don’t want that horrid feeling of being left hanging. Make them do the work seems to be the advice.

 

Thanks Twizz. Just to clarify, my ex is female...I'm Male...no worries.

I also read some of your other posts. Sounds like you are struggling with your GF leaving also. It's been about 2 months since I got the bomb dropped on me, and I am still sitting on the fence between hope and acceptance. These feelings and emotions are the worst. Thanks again for the feedback above.

[Twizzlestick]

Twizzlestick, this is an excellent time for boundaries.

 

Thanks Nolanola. You’re right. I am very preoccupied with how it looks. I’m trying to micro manage the last sentiment. It’s based on hope. She’s so damn stubborn which doesn’t help. I’ve seen it in action with her friends over the years. She won’t ring on principle. Just would sit there for years gumbling shooting herself in the foot on pride. Gets it from her family. Don’t want to leave giving the wrong impression that I’m angry as she’d never contact.

 

Yeaaah. It’s really bad that I’m worrying about this, she doesn’t care less. Like you say my boundaries are wonky. This is just an extension of how it’s been with us when we were together. It feels weird as what I want is to talk to her so I’m setting a boundary that’ll hurt me but with the purpose to stop further hurt whilst leaving door open. I’m still unsure about the call. Might ignore then have a think rather than be rushed. Saying that she prob won’t ring until sat now.

[Twizzlestick]

Thanks Twizz. Just to clarify, my ex is female...I'm Male...no worries.

I also read some of your other posts. Sounds like you are struggling with your GF leaving also. It's been about 2 months since I got the bomb dropped on me, and I am still sitting on the fence between hope and acceptance. These feelings and emotions are the worst. Thanks again for the feedback above.

 

No worries weev. I’m a fella too dumped by me ex woman. About 6 weeks for me. I failed at NC. Had 2 weeks and blew it a few days back. Nolanola started this thread and we’re all in the same boat. I’ve found strength from it as some good folk posting here.

 

I’m sort of similar but I’m stuck more on hope. Technically that’s the denial stage of loss my dad says (he’s a vicar ha).

 

NC is horrid. Can recommend some YouTube vids for empowering inspiration.

 

There’s a small channel called “coach Warren”. His channel doesn’t look much and production isn’t fancy, but that doesn’t matter. I think he’s brill. He’s really good for empowering and has been through the pain we have. I find him great to listen to.

 

Also “mouth of the ape” did a video on his breakup a few years ago. I’ve found that really helpful.

 

Also “art of love” has some good podcasts as well as YouTube.

 

Nice bit of variety from the commercial “get your ex back” stuff.