Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[CPpanther]

It's Saturday night here right now. That's the one night of the week we were always together. I miss him so much and I really just want to talk to him and be with him. Feeling so sad

[brknhrtd]

@nolanola I think you are right. Hopefully, I'll figure it out soon.

[nolanola]

It's Saturday night here right now. That's the one night of the week we were always together. I miss him so much and I really just want to talk to him and be with him. Feeling so sad

 

Go do something nice for yourself. If you can't get out (or don't want to), do something nice for yourself at home. Make a nice dinner or get some takeout from a restaurant you like. Bake some cookies. Take a long bubble bath. Call a friend that you can talk to about everything. Go online and plan out a dream trip.

 

I get sad too. Today has been a little bit of a down day. I went out and bought new towels and a new bathmat for my bathroom. I didn't get anything too fancy, but I wanted something different and I'm in my bathroom all the time. I got some colorful things and that made me feel a little better. I went and browsed the craft store to look for something I could make. I came home and made cookies and then a delicious dinner. I have a movie I've been wanting to watch that I might watch later and then I'm going to go to bed early.

 

Remember this: you don't know what your ex is doing, but he doesn't know what you're doing either. This is a strength. You're taking some power back.

[CPpanther]

@nolanola to be honest, right now I don't really care about gaining power back. First, because I know he isn't wondering what I am doing. He is enjoying not feeling the pressure of a relationship and the burden of wanting to break up. He is convinced that this is what he wants, so why would he wonder?

Second, I don't want power, I want him.

[nolanola]

@CPanther, I understand. Ok, if not power, think of it this way. I know you want him to come back, but right now he wants his space. I can't recall if he told you that directly, but he is definitely telling you this with his actions. You have to give it to him. If you run after him, call him, text him, whatever, you're only going to push him farther away. Also, you've got to let him sit in the consequences of his actions. A lot of times, when someone breaks up with their partner, they feel good about doing it but might feel bad about being alone or about hurting the other person. So they try to "be friends" to assuage both of those. They keep you as a backup option in case their other situation doesn't work out and they feel like you don't hate them so it's ok. But then they never have to feel the negative things about breaking up. And if they don't get a chance to miss you, they won't want you back.

 

Also, it's very early and he is still riding the good feelings of his decision. After some time goes by, and it doesn't work out how he expects (or he starts to miss you), he might come back. Or he might start to regret what he did.

 

In truth, I would say that you deserve better than a guy that doesn't know if he wants to be with you. But I understand when it's fresh you can't say that for yourself and you just want them back. It's understandable.

 

For me, I still struggle with this. My ex did not behave honorably in the end. He was shady about dating someone else (which, we were not officially dating at that time, so he could have just been honest) and basically lied about it. He ran away and then tried to pretend like nothing happened a month later. Why would I want some guy that would act like that or not want to fully commit to me? But I still feel sad about it, all the time. I woke up this morning feeling sad that we're past 3 months of NC and the only contact I've had from him was a nothing text from Thanksgiving. Nothing to indicate he ever thinks about me or how I might feel. That makes me so sad. But I know that the only thing I can do at this point is to keep walking away and to keep working on getting over him. I'm not sure if I'll ever gets the answers I want from him or even any further communication. But I do feel good that I stuck up for myself. I let him walk all over my boundaries for a long time and it's time that I stopped. If he wants to date someone else, then I have to let him do that -- BUT he won't have me waiting in the wings or making him feel good when he wants that.

[xweeverx]

Hey everyone. I just discovered this website for heartbreak. The creator went through a bad breakup in 2016 and had a hard time finding resources to help him get through it, so he made a bunch of podcasts to help others. I have only listened to the introduction, so I can't give you a full review, but it sounds like it might be good stuff. I believe it's all free content.

 

https://www.heartbreakpodcast.com/listen

 

Hopefully it helps.

 

Weev

[Endnote]

@endnote, I'm glad to see that you're feeling a bit better. With my last breakup, I didn't keep a journal or anything and I really wish I had. Because now when I think about it, it seems like I was so sad for a long time and then one day wasn't. But I'm sure it wasn't like that. I'm sure there was a lot of back and forth just like there is now. If anything, I feel like that breakup was far worse. At any rate, the back and forth right now is hard, but I feel like it is getting less and less intense as the weeks go by (meaning I still feel sad and mad and depressed, but it's much less prolonged). I sometimes wonder if this more recent breakup has triggered things about that old breakup. Because when I first got involved with this more recent guy, I was always thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that it would end up just like the older one. And it did. Not exactly the same, but similar. So maybe that's part of it. Do you think it might be with you too?

 

I think I did spend a lot of time wondering if I would end up in the same place as before. When I 1st got into the relationship with my recent ex I was coming from a very good place because of the healing I had experienced from my divorce. I had this mindset that I could not change anyone's behavior but my own so if bad sh*t should happens in the relationship then it's Gonna be on My significant other because I understood what was at stake now.

 

I didn't really start to deal with major anxiety in the relationship until the last year of the relationship and because I had some evidence that my ex might have been cheating on me but it was very circumstantial and hard to prove. My ex vehemently denied anything like that and reassured me that we were in things together. This was much different from my ex wife who justified her cheating by telling me it was my fault. To this day I don't know if my ex cheated on me or not though I have my suspicions. This all ultimately caused a lot of anxiety and Neediness on my part That started the downhill slope that eventually led to the break up.

 

If there's one thing that's clear to me About grieving any major loss in one's life be a death of a family member friend or Relationship, Any loss subconsciously brings up all of the losses you've ever had. So connecting what we're going through now to our previous failed relationships seems natural Even if that's not how we want to feel.

 

Hope everyone's having a good week. Still managing no contact over here and I say I'm pretty proud of how well I'm sticking to it.

[MeadowFlower]

@Beach, you mentioned about not blaming or showing anger to the ex when they breakup with you. Is it okay to show that you are hurt or don't like that they are dumping you, in your opinion? Someone said to the effect that it's fine to show you're hurt, to some extent.

 

However I handled the breakup is done now.

 

To the posters wondering about PMs, yes you do need to have posted a certain number of times. I think maybe you need to be a member for X amount of time as well. But once you change from a 'New Member' (as shown under your LS name) to 'Member', then you can PM other 'Members'.

Edited February 5, 2019 by MeadowFlower

[Twizzlestick]

Hey everyone. I just discovered this website for heartbreak. The creator went through a bad breakup in 2016 and had a hard time finding resources to help him get through it, so he made a bunch of podcasts to help others. I have only listened to the introduction, so I can't give you a full review, but it sounds like it might be good stuff. I believe it's all free content.

 

https://www.heartbreakpodcast.com/listen

 

Hopefully it helps.

 

Weev

 

Thanks weev. Downloaded them for my 7 hour drive tomorrow leaving Ireland for England. Wish they were longer, from the intro sounds really good and relaxing.

 

Terrible last few days. Grief is savage. Spent most of yesterday blubbing which is really weird, first time in 6 weeks. Could barely walk with the pain.

[CPpanther]

I had the intake session with a new therapist today. She said that while we are at our worst, all we can do is try to get yourself to do stuff as much as possible and to observe your own thoughts. These observations may reveal a pattern which you can work with when you are at a slightly better place. Right now, just get out there and observe. This really gives me some peace of mind, maybe it does for some of you too.

Beside this, still missing my ex like crazy. Everything reminds me of him and gives me this sharp sting in my stomach.

[nolanola]

I decided to take yesterday off from here as an experiment. I struggled a lot over the weekend and got into some really dark places. So I thought it might be helpful to try to take a day in which I did not listen to any breakup related podcasts, read this site, or any of the other sites I've been looking at recently. I'm not sure if it helped or not.

 

One of the things that I think happens is that after some time has gone by, you don't have anything new to hang onto in regards to the relationship. You're not talking to the person, you don't see them, you've stopped looking at their stuff online. It can be exhausting to rehash all the same stuff over and over in your mind. But at the same time, it's also really hard to let go of it. Being on this site, or on podcasts or whatever, keeps the feelings alive in some ways. It's a weird thing. I don't think I've wanted to let go of everything that I'm feeling because I don't want to let go of him. Even though the thoughts that haunt me are painful. If I do that, he's really gone. I know I don't control that really, but it feels very scary to think about doing that.

 

I saw my therapist yesterday and when I left, I felt so good. I felt like everything was so clear. My ex is avoidant and probably emotionally unavailable. And he hasn't changed. He's doing many of the same things with his new girlfriend as he did with me. It's a nasty thing to say but somehow that made me feel better to know that. I left her office feeling like I could let him go to follow his own journey and to figure things out for himself. But then, I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was wracked with doubts and worries. My mind started going over everything over and over. It was so frustrating.

 

I went to work this morning and I felt pretty good while I was at work. On days like today, I love my job. I had such a good day and felt purposeful. I didn't think about him much at all. I came home and took a nap, because I was exhausted from waking up at 3. But I find myself still thinking about him and obviously I'm here again. My therapist said that she thinks that ruminating on something can actually be healing, because it helps you to accept certain aspects. But what if it drives you crazy in the process?

 

I remember thinking with my last breakup, that us being apart would be good. Because we didn't work at that time and he had very serious issues with addiction and some other factors. I remember thinking that he would have to change a lot for us to be able to be successful in a relationship and that kind of work would take years. I suspect my current ex is the same. He has intimacy issues and I don't think will be ready to bring someone fully into his life for a very long time. Maybe this would help me to think of things this way. It seems so bleak sometimes, when it's winter, and gray, and the days are short, and I think of never talking to him again. I hate the way things ended.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

You're absolutely right. We want to return to our exes so we'll hold on in anyway we can. We'll look for ways to engage them, reasons to hold on a little bit longer. If there's none, we'll continue to talk about them even though it's all been talked out because that's the only connection to them we have left.

 

You'll bounce between happy, sad, angry, numb for awhile. I did. It's frustrating but it's an indication that your mind is attempting to process the information. The intensity of those emotions will go down. Sadness will lessen, happiness will increase, anger will quiet into a dull ache every now and then. Eventually you'll find a new emotional equilibrium and balance out.

 

I remember around this time in my grief, I focused my journaling on why the relationship ended and my ex's part in it. Just one passage was enough. I'd read it every time I got weak to reinforce the idea into my head. In your last paragraph, you mentioned how his intimacy issues would take a long time to fix. I think that's a good thing to write down and read everyday. Doing these things won't magically heal you, but it'll snap you back to where you mind needs to be as you get used to recalling the negatives of the relationship whenever you start to miss them.

Edited February 6, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

@Beach, you mentioned about not blaming or showing anger to the ex when they breakup with you. Is it okay to show that you are hurt or don't like that they are dumping you, in your opinion? Someone said to the effect that it's fine to show you're hurt, to some extent.

 

However I handled the breakup is done now.

 

You can certainly let loose on them and it'll feel good in the moment but know you won't be in your right mind when you do it. When you do return to it, it's like you'll regret things you said and may want to apologize. That can keep you stuck on them because of the guilt. I learned that the hard way.

 

I would say something along the lines of this:

 

"I respect your decision but I don't want to disrespect our history by pretending to be okay with it all. It's insincere and dishonest. There were feelings. Memories. I can't switch them off instantly. It'll take time alone for myself to move passed it. I don't want to be around you while that happens. I hope you understand that. Take care and wish you all the best."

 

It's respectful, honest and to the point and you won't humiliate yourself. And even if they don't like it, when they go and tell their other friends or their family about it, there's nothing they can say because it was a sincere message. They'll also think twice about messaging you insincerely.

 

But after that message, don't read their replies to it. Just delete them. Anything they say immediately afterwards will be impulsive. Anything you read will make you want to respond. You don't need to spoon feed them on how you're going to distance from them. You don't need to tell them you're taking them off of social media. You're not responsible for them and their feelings anymore. You have to look out for you. If you're concerned about them not being able to contact you, they still have your number to text or call. But in the mean time, let them feel the reality of their decision. Let the silence do the work. Don't be their crutch, by being around helping them get over you.

 

This isn't to used in a manipulative way. This is for you because what else are you going to do? Watch them move on? No..value yourself more than that.

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

@Nolanola

 

If there's none, we'll continue to talk about them even though it's all been talked out because that's the only connection to them we have left.

 

 

That is very, very true. And it sums up what I think I was trying to say. If I stop talking about him or stop thinking about him (even if it was that easy), he's really gone. That is so hard for me to accept. I remember you saying on a post a while back that the longest you ever spent ruminating about someone after they were gone was about 6 months because you were just exhausted by the effort to keep doing it. I'm a bit over 3 months now and it's been 2 months since he tried to get in touch with me. I can see how I could get exhausted by all this, because sometimes I do get really tired of thinking the same things over and over.

 

My therapist keeps telling me to be kind to myself and that is a difficult thing for me, because I am so frustrated. I want to be better and to feel better. And I think I do, compared to a month ago or two months ago.

 

I keep feeling like it's so easy for him, like I'm struggling while he's moving on and able to just not think about it. Like he's forgotten me. I know this is a very common thought on here and I don't think it's very logical. We've known each other for over 5 years, I know he would not forget me. But I think it's easier for him right now, because he doesn't have to think about it. He has something to distract him and to enable him to push those thoughts or regrets (if he has them) to the side.

 

Thanks for your support, it means a lot.

[nolanola]

I don't have a ton of time to write right now, but I wanted to make note of the fact that I feel different over the past couple of days. I woke up yesterday and felt better for the first time. Mornings are the worst time for me, when I wake up and realize that this is my reality. This person is gone out of my life and I have to come to grips with that. But yesterday, I woke up and didn't feel sad. I even had the thought that I should circle this date on my calendar because maybe it's a turning point for me.

 

I just wanted to put that in here for everyone else that is struggling. NC is so hard and I don't like it or want it, but I feel like it's the best way to try to heal. I'm a bit worried that there is a downturn around the corner, because my process so far has been very up and down, like waves. Feeling up one day and then very down the next. So I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet.

 

I hope everyone else is having a good week.

[LauraXX]

@nolanola: That sounds good! Glad you're feeling better. I've been absent from this thread in the past weeks because I've been feeling a bit better as well. And it's such a relief after these horrible, horrible past two months. Last time I wrote here, I was about to reunite with my ex for a weekend together. Well...turns out he apparently changed his mind and suddenly stopped texting me back. You can imagine that it was a terrible disappointment, BUT... there's a silver lining:

 

I'm so mad at him right now, that I have the feeling that I'm finally able to heal. I didn't really make any progress between November and mid-January because I was just grieving and still hoping to get back together with him at one point. Now, I finally know for a fact that it's not going to happen. Not only is he gone, but he turned out to be a coward after all.

 

I still have bad moments - not gonna lie. It happens in the most random situations. Had a terrible first date with somebody last week and I suddenly missed my ex so bad that I was very tempted to send him a message. But I didn't. And I won't! Did a bit of crying instead and that helped as well

 

There are also some really good things happening in my life right now. I got a job offer (haven't been happy at my current job for a while), have some cool events coming up (trips with friends). And dating is actually quite fun at the moment, too. Didn't think I'd ever say that, but it's working alright for me at the moment and I have a few dates coming up that I'm really looking forward to. Hope you're heading in that direction as well!

[Beachead]

I don't have a ton of time to write right now, but I wanted to make note of the fact that I feel different over the past couple of days. I woke up yesterday and felt better for the first time. Mornings are the worst time for me, when I wake up and realize that this is my reality. This person is gone out of my life and I have to come to grips with that. But yesterday, I woke up and didn't feel sad. I even had the thought that I should circle this date on my calendar because maybe it's a turning point for me.

 

I just wanted to put that in here for everyone else that is struggling. NC is so hard and I don't like it or want it, but I feel like it's the best way to try to heal. I'm a bit worried that there is a downturn around the corner, because my process so far has been very up and down, like waves. Feeling up one day and then very down the next. So I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet.

 

I hope everyone else is having a good week.

 

Great to hear.

 

You'll be okay.

 

And yes, the 6 month mark for me was the average time point where I let go of that hope of getting back together with my exes. But it wasn't the point where all the pain disappeared and magically moved on. I was still intertwined in drama. I still had feelings, still felt the pain...but the hope, I let go of. Took too much energy to hold onto it and eventually when I started to see the whole world continuing on (Including my ex) whether I was ready to continue on with it or not, I realized, I was the only one suffering and losing out. Realized I'd probably be just as miserable in a year if I kept this up and then I realized, I didn't want that to happen.

 

So if it isn't the chronic emotional pain that submits you into letting go, it'll be that. And when you do let go, it doesn't mean the wounds have gone, it just means, you're moving passed it because you see value in your life and your future.

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

Well, that's a disappointment. I felt GREAT on Tuesday and Wednesday. Felt like I was actually making some progress. But I was a little scared, because I was suspicious that it would not last. Over the past few days, I've been down again. Just feeling so sad again.

 

I know life isn't fair and to whine about it probably seems juvenile. But it feels like my ex just stepped on me, threw me away without a backward glance, and is so happy now while I'm sad and feeling like nothing. I know I can't know how he really feels or what his life is really like now, but this is how it feels. I know a lot of other people feel the same sometimes.

 

I don't even know what I really want? I think that, even though I feel like he must be so happy, he is likely still dealing with the same issues that were there when I wanted him to be open to me. So for me to wish for him to come back makes no logical sense. He would probably be exactly the same as he was. I think I just want him to say he's sorry or to feel bad. Or maybe I just want to feel better and I don't know how to make this happen other than to just wait for it to come.

 

Ugh, this is so hard. I'm sitting here at home on a Saturday night with my cat and I feel really low. My only consolation is that my ex has no idea what I'm doing. Even though I feel pathetic and sad, for all he knows I'm having a fabulous time and never think of him. For some reason this makes me feel better.

 

@LauraXX, I'm sorry things worked out that way. It sounds like you are doing ok after that? I admire you for getting back out there with dating. I can't even think about dating right now. My heart just isn't in it. Sometimes I think that I'm living my karma for how I treated my first boyfriend. I took him for granted so many times. I really cared about him and he was my best friend, but I thought I needed to date other people and to see what else was out there. So I broke his heart not once, but several times. Sometimes I feel like the universe is repaying me for treating him badly by getting my heart broken over and over. And I'm still alone while he's married with children.

 

Man, I am really on the pity pot tonight. Hope everyone else is having a better evening than I am?

[MeadowFlower]

How long was your relationship, @nolanola?

[nolanola]

We were friends first, we met about 5 years ago. We started dating about 4 years ago. We were together on and off for about 2 years and then in this sort of in between for the next 2. Something like that. I really wanted him to commit to a more long term relationship, but he was always reluctant and would never bring me fully into his life with his children. I tried to put distance between us several times, but he would always come back into my life.

[Beachead]

We were friends first, we met about 5 years ago. We started dating about 4 years ago. We were together on and off for about 2 years and then in this sort of in between for the next 2. Something like that. I really wanted him to commit to a more long term relationship, but he was always reluctant and would never bring me fully into his life with his children. I tried to put distance between us several times, but he would always come back into my life.

 

It's alright Nolanola. There's those occasional moments of weakness where I wish I would hear some news that my ex and her marriage crashed and burned just so I could know I was right and know that her crappy treatment of me got a humbling taste of karma. It's been 18 months but I still feel like that at times. The anger's gone down a lot over though because I just don't have the energy to care as much. Ofcourse I then feel bad for feeling that way but I'll get over it when I do. It is what it is and recovery is slow. There is progress though. I'm functional again. I can think, focus and enjoy life again. I also find others attractive and consider the possibility of a new relationship. We're stronger than we think we are.

 

Stay strong

Edited February 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

I don't even know what I really want? I think that, even though I feel like he must be so happy, he is likely still dealing with the same issues that were there when I wanted him to be open to me. So for me to wish for him to come back makes no logical sense. He would probably be exactly the same as he was. I think I just want him to say he's sorry or to feel bad. Or maybe I just want to feel better and I don't know how to make this happen other than to just wait for it to come.

?

 

Nola, I totally relate to this, especially right now. I’ve been absent off LS for a while now.. I wasn’t sure if it was helping me or making me focus more on my ex.

Anyway, I’m in a similar boat, in that I thought I was feeling a bit better last week. I felt a bit happier, and more in control. Fast forward to today when I was talking (crying) to my therapist and it turns out I’ve just been bottling my feeling up, and it all came out. I just want to feel better too. I’m sick of feeling like this, so much so that I’m pretending to myself that I’m fine! It’s crazy!

I want off this grief train. I used to be a happy, positive person and now it feels like my go to emotion is miserable. I’m right there with you on that pity pot today.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30! Good to see you again. It's nice to log in and see familiar names, but I know that as people start to feel better, they start to need the forum less and less. So that's a good thing too I think.

 

I get really frustrated with not being "over it" a lot. I know that's a high bar (are we ever really over it?) but I just get tired of the mental gymnastics and obsessive thoughts. I am cheered that I think I'm having more good days. Last week I think I had 2 really good days, 2 terrible days, and 3 in the middle. So I'm hoping that as the weeks pass, the number of terrible days will start to decline. I'd even settle for all middle days.

 

I'm mostly feeling really foolish lately. I'm very hard on myself about everything, both with my work and with my personal life, so I do tend to take blame for a lot of things. Or I see things as a reflection (or rejection) of me as a person rather than a more gray area. I've been struggling with feeling like I never meant anything to a person that I cared so much for. Or that he saw me more as a friend in the last 6 months or so while I clung onto the hope that there would be something more with us. When I confronted him about whether he was seeing someone in our last text exchange, I really let him know how much I cared about him and how hurt I was. I worry a lot that he looked at that and felt pity for me. Just typing that out makes me want to burst into tears. Just thinking that he might have thought that and then just went on to his new situation is really hard to take.

 

So many people in my life seem to think that he's some type of player, or manipulator, or borderline sociopath, but it's hard for me to see him that way. I've been wondering if the truth was more that he did care about me and like me as a person, but perhaps thought that for whatever reason (the distance, his reluctance to pursue a more serious relationship, his children, his emotional unavailability, etc) he knew it was not going to work out. But instead of breaking things off with me, he selfishly wanted to keep me in his life, even at a distance. Perhaps he did this for devious reasons (to keep the door open, to have someone familiar to talk to, etc) or perhaps he didn't really think about it specifically. Then, when he met someone that was closer that he liked, he started seeing her and thought he could do both and that I would not know about it. I'm not absolving his shady behavior and I think he is being incredibly shady in how he is behaving now, but maybe he's not some devious mastermind as many of my friends and family have made him out to be. Is that possible?

 

Regardless, I had the thought yesterday that it doesn't really matter what his motives are or were. I know I don't want to sit there on the sidelines while he dates someone else. And I know I'm not emotionally equipped to be his friend while he's dating someone else. So it doesn't work for me. Even though I want things to be different. I have to accept what IS and not what I want it to be. Focusing on this makes me feel a sense of peace and that, even if he did feel pity for me, I am standing up for myself now and not continuing to allow myself to be the "just in case" person.

[Charlierose30]

Pretty much everything you said rings true for me too Nola. I’m really hard on myself for not feeling more “over it” than I am. I have stopped talking to some of my support system about my ex and the break up, purely because I feel bad for constantly burdening them with this stuff. But bottling it up doesn’t work for me either, and I’ve learned that my friends and family really DO want to support me in any way they can. And that the pressure to be over this is coming solely from myself.

 

I need to remember to cut myself some slack and be kind. Isn’t it funny, I’ll come on here and offer words of comfort to others with so much compassion and empathy but I struggle to do the same for myself. It speaks volumes as to where my mind set is right now. My confidence has really taken a hit.

 

I’ve been feeling really foolish lately too. Not in terms of how I’ve behaved or anything like that. But that my ex has made a fool of me. Maybe he didn’t do it intentionally, but the fact is I really put myself out there for this guy and trusted him completely. He saw that trust and trampled on it. I feel a bit humiliated that I was so naive in trusting him. But I guess I can only say that in retrospect.

 

I often have to remind myself to focus on what the reality actually is. Not what I want or wish it to be. That’s where we need to live, in the reality of our situations and not on what could/would/should have happened. This stuff feels never ending.

[CPpanther]

I am having a (temporary?) breakthrough. It has been 3 weeks since he dumped me. I broke NC once every week and everytime he made it clear that he has no feelings for me and that he does not feel bad about the breakup at all. I now reached the point where I don't give a damn anymore. Clearly, he was the waste of time, not me. I hope this lasts, although I doubt it.