Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[TooMuch2Ask]

I'm so glad this thread was posted! I have read every post (it took me a few days off and on lol). I'm really encouraged to see that I'm not the only one having difficulty with NC... I work with my ex (if you can even call it that bc we weren't dating, it's complicated) and it has been rather difficult. I've maintained NC for a week - saw him in the office last week once and this week once. Only said hey and kept it moving. Luckily I work in the field most of the time so I don't have to see him often. I don't want to t/j so I won't post my story here - just wanted to post and say thank you all for posting here and sharing your struggles. It really helps!!

 

 

There is so much I want to respond to and comment on but I'll just leave this for right now.

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, I totally get you. I'm actually feeling very good today (second day straight) and as much as I am enjoying it, I do worry about whether a crash is around the corner. Especially as Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I am encouraged that I am overall doing better, even if I still have days where obsessive and negative thoughts torment me. A few pages back, I talked about feeling like I didn't want to let go of my sadness and these thoughts, because in a sense they were all I had left of this person. I think this is a very real thing. It's a double edged sword, because on one hand I'd like to be "over it", but I also don't want to let go of him either. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. Enjoy the good days while you can. I found that there was a period after some of the initial shock/anger/sadness had worn off that I was feeling really empty. But that's getting a lot better.

 

@TooMuch2Ask, welcome to the thread. Don't worry about highjacking. I know I've gotten so much out of reading about what others are dealing with and I'm sure others would say the same thing. I'm lucky in some respects because my ex and I don't live in the same city, so I don't have to worry about seeing him. Working with your ex must be very tough, especially as it sounds like you're the one that is dealing with the worst of it. Feel free to vent if you need to.

[LauraXX]

I work with my ex (if you can even call it that bc we weren't dating, it's complicated) and it has been rather difficult.

 

 

Ugh, that must be tough! And I get the whole "if you can even call it that". It has been the same with me and my "ex". We basically spent a half year with each other but it was never official and I'd assume that he doesn't even think of me as his ex. I'm probably just that girl he used to hang out with.

[TooMuch2Ask]

Ugh, that must be tough! And I get the whole "if you can even call it that". It has been the same with me and my "ex". We basically spent a half year with each other but it was never official and I'd assume that he doesn't even think of me as his ex. I'm probably just that girl he used to hang out with.

 

 

 

I'm sorry Laura - that's so hard to deal with . When is the last time you guys spoke? What is your plan if he contacts you again?

 

 

It's a long, complicated story but the bottom line is that we were never a couple. Neither of us wanted that nor could we have realistically been a couple. He is separated (so he says) and I don't want to get in the middle of that. I'm actively dating because I want to get married again at some point (amicably divorced with 2 kids). So it's not like I expected to be his girlfriend because I was aware we weren't headed that way. At the same time, we engaged in relationship type things such as calling/texting daily, saying I love you, etc. As long as it was going his way and I didn't require anything of him things were fine. The minute I would tell him something bothered me he would pull the "I have too much going on to deal with any extra emotions. I work 2 jobs and am pulled in a thousand different directions so I'm just not able to deal with any extra emotional issues or expectations". So yeah, that's pretty much bullsh@t because all relationships (even friendships) have expectations, even minor ones.

 

 

We met a little over 2 years ago when he started working for the same agency. We became friends and just clicked. It took several months of just talking in the office sometimes to talking via text. I was separated (with divorce to be final a few months after we met) at the time and he said he also was. He went to a work conference and I decided to meet up with him one of the nights because we had been actively talking for weeks - it was about 2 hours away so we both planned for me to stay the night. We had sex and I returned home the next day. He was definitely different with me and our communication went way down. We didn't talk as much as we had but didn't discuss why. I let it go because I was going through my own stuff with the divorce almost finalized and I'm not really one to initiate texts or chase after someone. He asked me to go out one night a month or so later so I went. We had great conversation and I thought maybe we were headed down the relationship road. I sent him a text following that night just kind of asking what was going on and letting him know where my head was at. He didn't respond. So I literally went no contact which was easy because I don't see him often at the office. We are social workers and are in and out all the time with field visits etc. I was pretty upset and angry that he would just ignore my text and not respond at all but I let it go and moved on. About a month after that, maybe more (this was June 2017) he asked me if he could call me when we were both at the office one day. I agreed so he called and profusely apologized for ignoring my text. He explained that he was going through a really rough time due to the separation and starting to work another job that was also full time in the evenings and weekends but that he cherished my friendship and should have communicated all of that to me. By this time I had already moved on and decided we were not going to be anything other than friends. I kept my distance and put my walls up because he had shown me who he was and I didn't want anything other than a courteous co-working relationship after that.

 

 

Fast forward many months (maybe Spring 2018)... we continued to just be friendly coworkers at the office. Every once in a while I would get a text telling me I looked nice that day or something else innocuous. Nothing other than a little communication - I would respond with "thanks, you too". I started having to work closer with him at work because we had overlapping clients. He began being a little more flirty with me and I allowed it because I enjoyed the attention and I had no plans or intentions of getting involved with him again other than work friendship. I clearly lowered my boundaries too much because we became involved around late October/early November. We weren't having sex but we were kissing and making out. Not having sex was his decision because he felt that if we didn't work out it could create issues at the office even though it didn't last time. We were also texting pretty much all day, every day. He told me he loved me a few times but I didn't say it back. I finally said it back around mid November because that's when I started to fall for him, again. He works 2 full time jobs so the only time we really ever spent time together face to face was when we would do visits together for work. So most of our "relationship" was through text and phone. His texting was consistent for the first few months and then started to fall off. When I would address that I would at least like to hear from him once a day to say hello (even if he was super busy he could say - good morning, I'm so busy today but I hope you're doing well and have a good day) he would reply with the excuses I listed above about being overwhelmed and busy etc. It just got to be too much because I felt like I was being used when it was convenient for him and he felt like I had certain expectations (which were not too much in my opinion). Also, I felt that the way he spoke to me sometimes wasn't very nice - very snippy and curt. Anytime I would say something about that he would say "this is me". He has also said on a couple of different occasions that he feels he is damaged and shuts down when things get to be "too much".

 

 

I felt like it started taking over my day. If I would hear from him, I would be fine. If I didn't hear from him, I would feel emotional and off kilter. I know the reason I was feeling this way is because of the nature of the relationship and the fact that we weren't really going anywhere. So for those reasons I started to feel like I was involved in an addictive type of relationship. It felt like an emotional affair because it was hidden to everyone at work (except for my best friend at work who knows everything). It was an unhealthy situation that I felt was taking over my life. So we decided late January to just be friends and not have any type of physical contact or interactions. Even after that I still felt this pull toward him like I was always thinking about him and all of the things he said (I love you, I need you, I would lay down my life for you, I haven't gone a day since we met without thinking of you, I've never deleted any text you've ever sent me, blah blah blahhhhhh). So I felt like I just needed to go no contact so I could get over this and really put my boundaries back in place. I didn't have a conversation with him about it but I don't typically initiate texts or calls with him. In the 2 years I've probably initiated contact with him less than 10 times. I haven't heard from him since last Wednesday. I saw him at the office on Thursday of last week for 2 seconds and Monday for 2 seconds. I said hello and was polite both times. Typically I will stop and chat or sit in his office for a few minutes but I didn't either time. I haven't heard from him, which is the longest we've gone without talking since the summer. The first few days were rough because it's like we both went no contact without knowing the other was. It has felt much better the last 2 days though.

 

 

My plan is that if he texts or calls (he won't call so I imagine he will text if he contacts at all) I am going to ignore it. I don't have anything to say. It's clear to me that we can't be friends given our history. Even though we only had sex one time almost 2 years ago we have all of the emotional history. I want to be in a relationship and I won't be able to do that if we are friends and he's in my life regularly. He will have to contact me about work at some point but we have always been very intentional that any conversation we have about work is through work email. So if he has something through work he will email and I will respond accordingly. If he texts my personal phone I won't respond. It's kind of been a little unnerving knowing that he may never text me again. It's also been a relief because I started to feel lost in our situation.

 

 

I'm really sorry for the long post and I hope this isn't considered thread jacking but this has felt so good typing out!!!!

Edited February 15, 2019 by TooMuch2Ask

[nolanola]

@Toomuch2ask, I relate to you a lot. I think these relationships are really hard to get past because there isn't a specific "we are dating" and then "we are broken up". I 100% understand this feeling as my situation is very similar. I started feeling kind of silly about my feelings because we aren't in a relationship anymore and several people have made the comment that I don't have a right to be upset about his behavior because of this. But seeing that you have had a similar thing makes me feel a lot better.

 

I don't think these men are stupid. They know how we feel about them and that we're emotionally invested in them. I don't know if they set out to try to actively keep us dangling around while they don't move things forward. I know with my ex, I have a hard time seeing him as that devious. I think he's just selfish. Again, not necessarily intentionally, but in the sense that he wants things a certain way in his life and doesn't want to have to change things or make things tougher for himself. He has a certain setup and it works for him, so why would he want to change it?

 

You say he's separated, but you sound like you don't necessarily believe that? Do you think he's going to get divorced? That's a tough spot. I definitely think keeping you a secret is not a good sign that he's looking to make things more serious or permanent. Or that he's telling you the whole story. Ouch, that is super tough. My ex was divorced but apparently did not have the greatest relationship with his ex-wife and has two kids. When I would try to move things forward, he was very reluctant due to that situation and his worries about how his children would be affected. Which is admirable, except that he couldn't let me go, even though he knew he couldn't be what I wanted him to be.

 

My ex eventually moved on to someone else, while keeping in touch with me. He's keeping her a secret too. I think men like this tend to do the same things over and over as long as they can. Again, I don't want to characterize them as sociopaths or something. I believe that my ex has many good qualities and that he did (or maybe even still does) care about me. But he's self centered and isn't thinking about the emotional wake he's leaving behind him. I suspect your guy is the same.

 

NC is probably best. How do you feel about that plan? You seem like you've made peace with it. Do you think you'll struggle with feeling guilty or worry about how he will respond? I know I struggled with this a lot.

[LauraXX]

I'm sorry Laura - that's so hard to deal with . When is the last time you guys spoke? What is your plan if he contacts you again?

 

 

Well, I ended the "relationship" in mid-November because he said he wasn't ready to be exclusive and that didn't work for me. Then I went NC for over a month. I finally gave in and sent him a message on Christmas. He replied right away and we started texting again. After a while we decided that we should meet again and talk (his suggestion actually). But then: Complete RADIO SILENCE. I didn't hear from him at all in 3 weeks. So ... that was that.

 

But, to answer your question, last Saturday I went on a very nice first date with a guy I met on Tinder. Didn't think about my ex for a full evening and that was nice He spent the night at my place and when he left the next morning I looked at my phone and: 15 messages from my ex. Just random excuses and lots of pictures from his vacation and bla bla bla. I just don't get it ---- must be some kind of weird radar?

 

I honestly don't know how to react. And I still didn't text him back after a week. I'd take him back in a heartbeat if I knew that he had changed his mind and really wanted to be with me. But I doubt that. And I do really like my "distraction guy" (even though I still doubt that there's more for us in the cards.... we'll see about that. I opened a thread about that issue in the Dating forum.). But well... I basically had a heart attack when I saw these messages on my phone, so yup... definitely not over him yet!

[TooMuch2Ask]

@Toomuch2ask, I relate to you a lot. I think these relationships are really hard to get past because there isn't a specific "we are dating" and then "we are broken up".

 

 

 

Exactly! It's so different because it's not an official break up so it's left just dangling.... The people that tell us we don't have a right to be upset about anything are wrong. We have a right to be upset about whatever we want to be upset about. Mainly because, like you said, they realize how we feel about them and continue engaging with us despite that. I realize that we should have listened to their "actions" but when you're involved in the relationship it's hard to see what is right in front of your face. My "ex" isn't devious either but super selfish. I think I would rather him be devious, that would be easier for me to get over I think.

 

In regards to him being separated... he says he is and has been since the first time we began talking. I don't have any proof that he isn't because we haven't been to each other's house etc. There have just been some things that have made me wonder if he's truly separated. They don't even have a separation agreement because he says she won't agree to anything at this point. Since we weren't really moving into a full on relationship I didn't ask a ton of questions. I know I should have and would have if we were going to move forward or deeper. The fact that I even have a gut feeling that something could be going on is enough for me to believe it and all the more reason to maintain no contact.

 

 

I'm sorry about your situation. That must be so hard knowing that you had a connection but he wouldn't put aside his own selfishness to see where it could go.

 

 

Right now I feel good about not being in contact with him. It's been a week and a half so far and it gets easier each day. I think the longer it goes that he hasn't reached out the better I feel about it because it just shows me further that he was all talk with no action behind his words. I am worried about not responding if he does text me or reach out in some way only because I've never done that before. I don't want it to appear like I'm being juvenile or giving the silent treatment. I'm doing no contact because that is what I need to do to get over him and stop going through the wash/rinse/repeat cycle. I can avoid him at work for the most part so that is good and will make it easier. I'll keep you updated, so far so good.

 

 

You haven't heard from your ex since Thanksgiving? I know it was hard when he was in your city a few weeks ago

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TooMuch2Ask]

Well, I ended the "relationship" in mid-November because he said he wasn't ready to be exclusive and that didn't work for me. Then I went NC for over a month. I finally gave in and sent him a message on Christmas. He replied right away and we started texting again. After a while we decided that we should meet again and talk (his suggestion actually). But then: Complete RADIO SILENCE. I didn't hear from him at all in 3 weeks. So ... that was that.

 

But, to answer your question, last Saturday I went on a very nice first date with a guy I met on Tinder. Didn't think about my ex for a full evening and that was nice He spent the night at my place and when he left the next morning I looked at my phone and: 15 messages from my ex. Just random excuses and lots of pictures from his vacation and bla bla bla. I just don't get it ---- must be some kind of weird radar?

 

I honestly don't know how to react. And I still didn't text him back after a week. I'd take him back in a heartbeat if I knew that he had changed his mind and really wanted to be with me. But I doubt that. And I do really like my "distraction guy" (even though I still doubt that there's more for us in the cards.... we'll see about that. I opened a thread about that issue in the Dating forum.). But well... I basically had a heart attack when I saw these messages on my phone, so yup... definitely not over him yet!

 

 

So your ex asked you to meet and catch up and then didn't text for 3 weeks? I just feel like that is so rude. I don't even want a friend that does things like that. All of us have time to reply to a text within a 24 hour period. It's just not nice especially given that he knows your feelings about him. Did you end up responding to his texts last week? Having a distraction is definitely helpful and, who knows, maybe it will turn into something more. I know this, it's hard for any of us to find someone else if we are caught up in wanting our ex back or thinking they will change. So put yourself out there and see what happens with this other guy!! The more we free up space in our heart and soul the better chance we have at finding a relationship that is lasting!!!

[Olivia_daviss]

Can I ask in this context what does nc stand for?

When I saw it I read no comment

[MetallicHue]

It means no contact. I think that the going thought is after tough breakups it’s best to completely avoid contact with the ex as the best way to get over things. However from what I’ve seen it’s definitely a tall order.

[preraph]

If you are obsessive about someone and any little interaction can make you think there's still hope, it's best to block totally and stay off their social media so you can unfocus and stop getting sidelined with false hope.

[nolanola]

Exactly! It's so different because it's not an official break up so it's left just dangling.... The people that tell us we don't have a right to be upset about anything are wrong. We have a right to be upset about whatever we want to be upset about. Mainly because, like you said, they realize how we feel about them and continue engaging with us despite that. I realize that we should have listened to their "actions" but when you're involved in the relationship it's hard to see what is right in front of your face. My "ex" isn't devious either but super selfish. I think I would rather him be devious, that would be easier for me to get over I think.

 

You haven't heard from your ex since Thanksgiving? I know it was hard when he was in your city a few weeks ago

 

It's always much easier to give advice than to take it. It's also so much easier to see reality when you're not emotionally invested. So I can see why people think I don't have a "right" to be upset about how he acted. But they didn't have feelings toward this person like I did. And I agree with you: we feel how we feel. And that's ok. I'm trying very hard to be nice to myself about how I feel and how long it's taking me to deal with those feelings. But I'm also trying to look at my behavior and why I held on so long to someone that could not or would not commit to being with me.

 

I haven't heard from him since Thanksgiving, but I think that most likely he was checking at that time to see if I was still upset with him or angry. I also think he was trying to re-establish contact with me. We've had a few small spats over the nearly 5 years we've been in each other's lives and have gone for a while without speaking. Usually one of us would reach back out and we'd start talking again. I just feel like I deserve more than some lame text that literally didn't even address what he did, how he acted towards me, or ANYTHING about what we had talked about a month before. At the time I thought maybe he had stopped seeing this other woman, but now I know he had not. He just wanted to selfishly make things ok with me and still see her too. So I don't feel bad about not responding. Well, a little, but not enough to change anything.

 

It sucks that we aren't in each others lives anymore. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing about his kids. I miss hearing his laugh. But I know I'm not fit to be his on the side person or to pretend to be his friend while he runs around with this other woman. It would break my heart because I'm not over him at all. I hope I can forgive him someday.

 

If you have a gut feeling about something I would listen to it and it sounds like you are. Separated is a lot harder, because unless they've filed for divorce you really can't tell. Because my ex was long distance, initially I wasn't sure if he was being upfront with me (I didn't not trust him at the time, but I've been lied to before and was suspicious). I called the county clerk and got the records of his divorce so I could check. You might be able to do that if he's had legal filings. But it sounds like you're probably just trying to move on? I admire your fortitude. I wish I had walked away a lot sooner than I did.

 

We all deserve to have someone that is sure about us, that won't have to wait or go back and forth. We deserve someone who wants to date us openly, that will be proud to be with us. Our exes might not be devious, but they aren't what we deserve. Stay strong and post here any time you feel like you need to. At least on this thread, everyone has been very supportive and I think you'll find good advice and help here.

[LauraXX]

So your ex asked you to meet and catch up and then didn't text for 3 weeks? I just feel like that is so rude. I don't even want a friend that does things like that. Did you end up responding to his texts last week?

 

 

Yes, pretty much. I mean, I was the one who got in touch first, but he was the one who started to be all flirty again and who suggested to meet. One of his lasts texts was the one where he suggested a time and date for our meeting. I replied to that and then I just didn't hear from him again. I'd actually give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he had no intention of ghosting me and always meant to get back to me at one point. Ugh, I really shouldn't defend him, but I just know that deep down - he's not a bad person. My guess is that his ex wanted him back and that it was a bit of an emotional chaos (I might be wrong though). He had mentioned before that she had 2nd thoughts about the divorce and that she was thinking about leaving her new boyfriend etc. So I'd assume that that's what was going on there. But who knows.

 

 

 

Did you end up responding to his texts last week?

 

 

No, I still didn't. I tried to text him twice but deleted both messages in the end. My first reply sounded so rude. My second reply sounded too sweet and forgiving But I think I will text him back sometime this week. I just can't seem to let this go. It's stupid though. His behaviour shows that I'm very far down on his priority list, so why should I even bother with staying in touch.

[nolanola]

 

No, I still didn't. I tried to text him twice but deleted both messages in the end. My first reply sounded so rude. My second reply sounded too sweet and forgiving But I think I will text him back sometime this week. I just can't seem to let this go. It's stupid though. His behaviour shows that I'm very far down on his priority list, so why should I even bother with staying in touch.

 

I have a bit of a different take. We often demonize our exes and sometimes they deserve it. But sometimes, they do things that hurt us not because they want to or are trying to, but because they aren't thinking of us. Meaning they are focused on other things. I'm wondering, in the case of your ex, if he's just not in the place to focus on a new situation because of his old one. Not that he should get a pass on this, but that maybe he doesn't deserve anger. Maybe it should be more like you think of him in a neutral way until he can show that he is more invested in you? And in the meantime you try to focus on other things and other people?

 

Here's a story that illustrates my point. My dad dated this woman a while back (like 10 years ago now) and he really fell for her. My mom died when I was young (like 30 years ago now) and he has dated, but never remarried. This was the first person that he was head over heels for. They dated for several months and then she broke up with him to date another man. He was devastated and a mess for months after. He got back on some dating sites and met a woman that was very sweet and they started dating. I think they had been dating for about 4-5 months when the first woman came back and wanted to see him again (of course she had broken up with the man that she left my dad for). My dad was totally thrown by this and didn't know what to do.

 

He really liked the new woman but still had feelings for the old one and really wanted her back. So he just stopped calling the new woman while he dealt with the reappearance of the old one. They started dating again and he didn't talk to the new one for about a year. Eventually, the old woman broke up with him again (for another man of course). He sent a group email that included the new woman (I don't think he intended to speak to her, she was just on the cc list) and she wrote back. They got back in touch and stared hanging out again.

 

A lot of other messiness happened after that, but my point is that when I talked to my dad about this, he emphasized that he hadn't stopped liking the new woman, he was just really stressed and distracted by the old woman and that drama. Then, he said after some time had gone by, he realized he hadn't gotten in touch with the new woman in a while but didn't want to reach out because he thought she would be angry with him. So he didn't. So I think it's entirely possible that your ex likes you but just isn't in the place to be focused on you. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. But he does need to show more interest before you should make him a priority.

 

I had a good day yesterday and today I'm in a charitable mood. I even had the thought that maybe my ex didn't mean to hurt me with his behavior and that I should forgive him. Not sure I'm there yet though, so I totally get it if you're not.

[TooMuch2Ask]

It's always much easier to give advice than to take it. <snip>

I just typed a post and it wouldn't submit. OMGGGGGG so annoyed lol. I'll try to do it again....

 

So I totally get what you mean by missing him in your life. I'm there now. I miss talking and texting with him. I miss being flirty with him and vice versa. I miss kissing him. I was doing really well until I saw him today. I haven't seen him since last Monday and that was for less than a minute when we just said hey good morning and kept it moving. Today I walked by his cubicle (I have to in order to leave the office) and said hey good morning. He called my name and wanted to chat for a minute. He asked me to come and sit down in his cube and I said I'm good here, so I stood at the entrance. We chatted for a few minutes about our client in common and he told me several times during the 10 minutes that I looked nice. I've been doing intermittent fasting for 5 months so I've been slowly changing. After we talked some about mundane stuff I said "ok I have to go I'll see you later". It sucked. One step forward and two steps back...

I was also kind of angry. Angry that he was able to just chat as if nothing was wrong and he wasn't telling me how much he loved me and cared about me last month. Literally as if nothing had ever happened between us. I was angry that he felt he could tell me I looked nice. I don't know, it just pissed me off. I wanted to text him today "do you even miss me" "how can you just walk away so easily and never contact me" "do you think about me as much as I think about you". I wanted to do all of that but obviously I didn't. Nothing he would reply with would make me feel better. We all know that if he missed me and wanted to talk to me he would have contacted me.

 

In regards to his separation, he's already told me neither of them have filed for legal separation or divorce. He's said she won't agree to anything so nothing has been filed. I've never caught him in a lie but it's just a gut feeling that they are more back and forth than he's told me. Ultimately we never discussed wanting to have a future together. I knew he wasn't someone that I could see myself with long term because of the emotional baggage as well as some issues with our personalities that I didn't think would work out long term. He shuts down when he is overwhelmed and has issues with communication. He is self deprecating whenever I address an issue with him and would say things like "I'm not a nice person" or "I'll never be enough" if I brought up an issue I wanted to discuss or something I wasn't happy about.

 

It's so hard. I want closure but I know I'll never get it from him. He isn't capable of giving that to me. In mid January he said that he wanted to just be friends with none of the physical aspects of our relationship anymore because it was too much for him. I had certain expectations and he said he just couldn't meet them. Basically I did not like it if we went multiple days without some form of communication - even if it was just a text saying "I'm swamped today but hope you're well and have a nice day". I didn't think that was too much to ask given our situation but clearly it was. So I guess that was his way of managing down my expectations. We still talked through text since mid January but I let him initiate. It will be two weeks this Wednesday since he has texted me. The last text I have from him said "goodnight baby". We hadn't been flirting or calling each other that since it went to "just friends" but he was very flirty and called me baby several times that last day almost two weeks ago. I did not reciprocate the flirting because I am desperately trying to move forward. I haven't heard from him via text since then, which has been the longest we have gone without communicating in more than 6 months. So I guess it's just really tough because I want to talk to him but I know I need to move on and talking to him just prolongs that. I want answers to my questions but I don't think he'll be able to give me any.

 

Add to this I met someone a couple of months ago and have been seeing him recently. He's a really great guy and does want a relationship. I really, really like him but feel stuck to get over the other situation.

 

Have any of you ever found you feel better after having one last conversation with someone where you tell them all of the things you want to say? I don't think I will do it but am just curious. I just have so much I want to say...

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote of prior post and fix spacing

[TooMuch2Ask]

Yes, pretty much. I mean, I was the one who got in touch first, but he was the one who started to be all flirty again and who suggested to meet. One of his lasts texts was the one where he suggested a time and date for our meeting. I replied to that and then I just didn't hear from him again. I'd actually give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he had no intention of ghosting me and always meant to get back to me at one point. <snip>

 

 

I agree with nola - I think the men we have all been involved with are not doing this to us because they are trying to hurt us. I think they are selfish. To some extent we should all be a little selfish and worry about our own needs but they take it to a different level, in my opinion. In my situation, he told me many, many times that he didn't want to ruin our friendship by taking it to another level and I know that he meant it. I know that he doesn't want to intentionally hurt me.

 

 

The problem is, he pursued me heavily, knowing that he could not provide me with what I would need in a relationship. That's just selfish. At the same time, I engaged in it with him knowing that I didn't want to end up with him either. So now we're stuck working together after becoming really close and sharing a lot of things. It sucks.

 

 

How are you feeling about replying to him? Do you feel like you would be ok if you didn't reply at all or you want to say something?

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TooMuch2Ask]

I have a bit of a different take. We often demonize our exes and sometimes they deserve it. But sometimes, they do things that hurt us not because they want to or are trying to, but because they aren't thinking of us. Meaning they are focused on other things. I'm wondering, in the case of your ex, if he's just not in the place to focus on a new situation because of his old one.<snip>

 

I would LOVEEEEE to take the pill that would help me think of him in a neutral way. If you can develop that then I think you could make millionsssss lol! That is definitely the key - getting to the point where you hear their name, see a text from them, see them, and it doesn't change your entire mood. That will definitely mean you're over them. I desperately want to be there right now. Right. Now.

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[nolanola]

@Toomuch2ask, if I could make that pill, I'd be a millionaire!! I wish!! I'm a little more ahead of you in the NC stage, so I do have a bit more distance. But, it's very cyclical. One day, I'll feel good and hopeful. The next day, or even later that day, I'll feel bad again. Sometimes the obsessive thoughts are so intense and overwhelming I feel incredibly anxious. So it's super up and down for me. I saw my therapist today and we talked a lot about how my previous relationship is likely affecting how I am reacting to this one.

 

My previous ex used to say a lot of self deprecating things too. I think in small amounts it's pretty normal. None of us want to come off like jerks by talking ourselves up a lot. But, now when I look back on it, he was incredibly damaged and had very low self esteem. I think he was warning me with those comments. He used to say things about his intellect, or his body, or his role in our sex life. I thought I could convince him that he wasn't that guy and that he would love me more for it. Not saying your ex is the same, but I am incredibly wary of these comments now. That, and when he would say things like "you're too good for me". You know what? I AM. Took me a long time to see that.

 

I have an incredibly hard time seeing my ex and some evil guy. I'm also inclined to be very forgiving of people. So I try to see the good side. I think it's also a way of protecting myself. I try to see things as not as bad as I think they could be. My therapist and I talked about this today and she thinks that I need to feel some anger. So I'm working on that too.

 

I think it's crazy hard to work with someone that you are having feelings for -- for exactly the reason you mentioned. You're always on guard around them and wondering what they're thinking. I'm sure he thinks about you too. It's impossible (unless he's some kind of sociopath) to not think of you or be upset about what happened. I also think that men are much better at focusing on one thing at a time. When they're focused on work, they're focused on work. Especially when something is upsetting to them. They focus even more. I think you are doing amazing in not texting him. Trying to create some emotional distance is a really good thing, even though I know it's so hard.

 

Think of it this way: he's making a choice right now to do whatever he's doing with his marriage and not to be with you. It might have a lot of reasons and complications to it, but that's the bottom line. I've been spending an enormous amount of time wondering and trying to understand my ex and his new girlfriend and why it might be serious or how he's treating her differently or the same, or whatever. And all that's fine, but at the end of the day he's made the choice not to pursue a relationship with me. It's that simple and that hard at the same time.

 

Hugs to you. I'm so jealous that you have a guy that you're spending time with. But there's no shame in taking some time to grieve and deal with your emotions. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

[TooMuch2Ask]

Yeah the self deprecating statements are annoying. For example, he would be having a bad day and be curt with me. I would respond by saying it’s not necessary to be mean and he would say “well I’m not a nice person and I can only ever be me”. Or he’s said before he will never be what I need when I hadn’t said anything like that. There are other examples that are hard to explain. It’s a turn off for me bc it makes me feel like I have to build him up or can’t say anything that I don’t like bc he will take it personally. I’m not sure if he said those things bc he believed them or if he was doing it so I would get sidetracked from whatever issue I was having with him at the time.

 

You’re absolutely right - he’s choosing to not contact me. Technically I’m in no contact but he hasn’t reached out so I haven’t had to enforce anything. Basically I’ve just refrained from initiating contact. It’s been so hard some days and a relief other days. I know that’s the same for you - up days, down days.

 

I think I saw you post on another thread about writing a list of your exes undesirable qualities. That is a really good idea so I’m going to do that tomorrow. I think it will help tremendously so I don’t look at this through rose colored glasses.

 

I know part of me wishes he would reach out so I could ignore the contact and feel that he misses me in some way. Even tho I think it would make me feel better I know that will only be short lived bc I’m addicted to the contact with him and it would be super hard to resist replying. I should be thankful that he has left me alone and is allowing me space to get over it. He knows I started seeing someone and has said before, many months ago, that he doesn’t want to he the reason I don’t find someone to spend my life with. All while he was still pursuing me though.... selfish.

 

Do you think you will hear from your ex again? If you do what is your plan? Have you gone this long without contact before?

Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[nolanola]

@Toomuch2ask, you must be reading my mind!! I have had so many of those same thoughts and I think a lot of us have. The part about wanting him to reach out so I could ignore him is right out of my mind. We want some kind of validation, anything to let us know that they care at all.

 

I fear that my ex will contact me again. I should say I both fear it and want it, if that makes sense (I have a feeling you know exactly what I mean). I hate to think of never speaking to him again. We have had fairly long periods of not talking in the past (I think the absolute longest was around 4 months?). But typically we would talk at least every few weeks, sometimes more often. After we had our blow up at the end of October, we didn't speak for a month and I thought that was it. But then he texted me right after Thanksgiving. That was the first time I've ever not replied to him. After I ignored that, he has not directly reached out again. I get the feeling he's waiting for me to reach out, but that might just be my thoughts.

 

I have had the exact same thoughts about having a hard time resisting replying. In the past, I would think I needed to break it off and would get all worked up thinking about how I was going to ignore him and this and that and then I would always cave. But with that last text, I just thought that I deserved better than the text he sent. It didn't reference anything we had talked about or how hurt I was. Or whether he was dating someone, which is what I contacted him about in October. So I decided not to reply. I still vacillate on whether that was the right thing, but I really think I deserve better. I feel like he was trying to see if I was still upset with him or maybe to re-establish contact. Because I think if I had replied, he would have just gone back to the status quo and would be dating his new person while keeping in touch with me for reasons I don't quite understand.

 

I kind of wonder if your ex tried to talk to you today to kind of take your temperature. Like "will she respond to me?" "is she still open to me?". I would not be surprised at all if he starts coming on harder if you give him an opening. I don't have great answers for working with him, because you have to see him. You can't just ignore him. But, I do think reminding yourself of his bad qualities will help you a lot. Because if you can get to the point that you don't find him as attractive, it might be easier to see him. One big thing to put at the top? If he says he can't be what you need? BELIEVE HIM. Circle that and underline it. I feel like when men say things like this, they are basically warning you that they are going to be a big jerk.

 

I haven't gotten strong enough to read my journal from when I was dating this guy, but I think putting yourself in a situation where that person has disappointed you, upset you, or whatever can be really helpful. Because when you miss them, you want to make them into a great and perfect person and you forget the other parts. But those parts are part of them too and part of the relationship. Not just the romantic times or the fun times.

 

I went to a new book club tonight and it was really nice. I've been trying to meet some new female friends and I feel like some of them could be. I think changing your routine or doing new things is super helpful after a breakup. Just to remind you that so many things are possible.

 

Good luck tomorrow at work. Wear something that makes you feel confident and hold your head high.

[MeadowFlower]

I would LOVEEEEE to take the pill that would help me think of him in a neutral way. If you can develop that then I think you could make millionsssss lol!

 

How about a pill that makes you forget about them entirely.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola I definitely think it's about validation for me. To go into detail about how our situation broke down.... he decided that we would stop being physical around January 20th and would just be friends. The reason this happened was because I had a few minimal expectations regarding our situation that he felt he couldn't meet (more like didn't want to). He said on several occasions that he could not handle anyone having any expectations of him at this point in his life with working two full time jobs etc.

 

 

So following that decision he was on vacation for a week and we didn't really talk much. Over the next few weeks after January 25th we talked some but not a ton. Then 2 weeks ago communication just stopped from both ends. We were texting back and forth all day 2 Wednesdays ago, said goodnight, and then just didn't text again - he didn't text and I didn't text. I saw him in the office 3 times after that but all of that contact was brief until yesterday, which was about 10 minutes. So I'm just in a really strange place right now because we didn't have a conversation about only seeing each other at work or not texting or calling anymore. It just stopped. I didn't initiate contact with him and he didn't with me. It just feels bad. I know if I text him right now he will respond. If I call him, he will answer. I know this. So it's really hard to not reach out to him. I think I'm not reaching out because I know that I deserve better and I need to get over him to have a relationship with someone else.

 

 

I came so close to contacting him today (on our personal phones) to tell him I just want to go back to how it was when we were just friends, before anything physical happened. I know I want to reach out because I'm hurting and I miss our friendship. I also know it's because our contact was sort of an addiction for me - having a relationship that no one knew about and one that we would never move forward with had an addictive element to it. So I know I need to stay the course as I would have felt better for a little bit if I contacted him and then would have felt terrible again. I just really wanted to have closure and "start over" as friends.

 

 

I had to contact him today about work, which we both knew I would have to do after our conversation yesterday in regards to our mutual client. It was a brief email giving him info and he responded accordingly and added a saying that we've said to each other tons before (we used to say facts plus tax when the other would say something correct about a situation). So he responded through email with "facts plus California tax" today. I didn't respond to that - there was no need and if I had responded I feel like it would have broken no contact. Considering I have to work with him and any time we've ever talked about work things is through work email when we were involved I think this keeps me in no contact if I only contact him when absolutely necessary about work issues. I am so glad I didn't contact him today - I seriously picked my phone up several times to send a text and just couldn't.

 

 

I don't think he cares if I'm still open to him at this point. I think he's made the decision that he's done with our outside communication and that's that. It just sucks that he can walk away from everything this easily while I'm over here on a coping blog to get through it. I really did think that I would have to use my strength to not reply to him as opposed to him not contacting me at all in the last 2 weeks. I guess I should be thankful to him for leaving me alone.

 

 

I started a list of his bad qualities in the notes section of my phone today. I will keep adding to it. Did you have a lot of feelings in your journal that you don't want to revisit now? Starting a book club is a fantastic idea. I think I am going to start meditating tomorrow. I've read several great things about it and think I would really enjoy it. I play tennis every week so I also need to do that more. The weather hasn't been cooperative lately so I will definitely be playing more when it stops raining and gets warmer.

 

 

I think your ex will absolutely contact you again. I was listening to a podcast that talks about not replying to texts that are not substantial when in no contact - that you should wait to reply when they have said something that addresses the issue that has you in no contact. I do think he will reach out with something more engaging when he contacts you next. You definitely deserve better. I just know how hard it is to lose someone you thought was at least a friend above anything else, especially after you've probably been a great friend to him and would not have treated him this way.

[nolanola]

Was it the Art of Love podcast? I really like that one! It seems like it's focused on getting your ex back, but I actually think it's more about having self respect. I actually didn't find it until a while after everything went down with my ex, but I listen to some of the episodes over and over because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing.

 

I have a journal going back to when I first started dating my ex and there are so many entries where I'm trying to figure him out, to understand what he's thinking, why he's doing something or not. It pains me now because I spent so much time thinking about him over the past 4 years. I gradually relaxed my standards and needs because I wanted to have any part of him that I could. And I think if I went back and read it, it will make me feel so sad right now. Maybe someday when it's not all so fresh. Sometimes when I want to talk to him, I think I should go back and read some of the entries where I'm depressed because of something he said or did. Or I was crying. Yes, there are also entries where I've recounted wonderful times that we were together and it was magic. But that was maybe 25% of the entries. The other 75% were me wondering what he was doing or thinking.

 

What you said about feeling like he's having an easy time while you're on a coping forum really struck a chord with me. I used to feel that way when I was writing in my journal, that I was dissecting everything and he likely was not. I tend to think the same thing about my ex now. In my worst times, I think that he sent me a text at Thanksgiving and when I didn't answer, was like "oh, well, so much for her. On to the next thing". In the absence of them telling us what they think or feel, we have to just guess. And that can be tough.

 

I would not be surprised in the slightest if your guy comes around again. I think our situations are similar in a lot of ways. Both men were not prepared to commit but also didn't want to totally cut ties. Things were left in a vague place, without an explicit "we're not talking anymore" conversation. So it leaves the door open a tiny crack. And I think they like it that way. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex contacts me again. It's hard for me to not sit and think about it. I used to have a specific ring tone for him so I would always know when he called or texted. But now that I've deleted his info, there is a tiny part of me that hopes every time a text comes in. I don't know when that will stop.

 

We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we deserve someone that isn't unsure about us. That knows they want to be with us. I've always hated that book "He's just not that into you", but I think it applies here. I do think my ex cares about me and I feel pretty sure that he doesn't like that he hurt me and that we no longer talk. But, he's not done anything to resolve it, to apologize, or anything. When confronted, he ran and then tried to pretend it never happened. And as much as it sucks, I have to look at his actions (or lack of actions) instead of what I want it to be.

 

I'm trying to do new things too. Just meeting some new people I think will be really helpful. I'm not ready to date anyone but I kind of wish I would so that I'd have that to be excited about. How is it going with the guy you're seeing? Do you find him less exciting than your ex? When you're entangled in a volatile situation it can take a while to pull away from that and to see that someone "boring" can be nice too.

[TooMuch2Ask]

Yes!! It's the art of love podcast ! I agree with you though, she talks a lot about getting the ex back but I find the episodes to be more about how to stay no contact and gaining your self-esteem and power back. I'm definitely not trying to get him back but just want to stay in no contact. It was much easier today but I guess that's par for the course... some days will be easier than others. I really like her no nonsense attitude and her words encourage me to stay the course for my own self-preservation, if for nothing else.

 

 

I'm in the same boat - 25% good times and 75% times where I was trying to figure out what this or that meant, overthinking things, crying because he had done the push/pull and hot/cold. Both of us are intelligent, successful women yet we engage with these jokers for what reason??? For me it may be about the increased drama of the situation. You touched on something I've been thinking about lately.... I really like the guy I'm seeing. I started seeing him before the situation with my ex was really resolved (mainly because we weren't in a relationship and weren't having sex - it was more of an emotional affair and he was aware I was seeing someone). He's a great guy but it's definitely not a dramatic situation or one that is volatile, which is fantastic. Maybe that's why I miss my ex so much? I need to figure that out within myself and also get that rush from doing and engaging in more healthy activities... clearly!!! I really do like the guy I'm seeing and I don't want to mess it up. It's the main reason I am doing no contact and am not trying to be friends with the ex, even though I miss him a lot. I think the reason I'm even ready to date is because my situation was never going to be a relationship and I was very much aware of that. I completely get why you aren't ready to date yet. You were together for quite some time and have a lot more memories and feelings to sort through. I imagine the journal would be very painful. You will know when you're ready to read it.

 

 

During your last conversation with your ex, how did the conversation end? I know you said you had confronted him about the person he was seeing but when you confronted and he deflected did you end the conversation then? Just curious. I think these men definitely think and care about us. They just don't have the ability to communicate with us the way we need or deserve, like you said. I know that my ex was very open with the fact that he shuts down completely when he's overwhelmed. He's definitely emotionally unavailable due to many reasons (potentially baggage from his marriage and childhood). It's very hard for me to walk away from someone I care about and love unless I stop having feelings so it's just going to take some time to get used to not having him in my life.

 

 

Do you feel closer to being able to put yourself back out there emotionally for dating than you did a month ago? Have you thought of putting yourself on a time table or do you feel like that's too much pressure?

[LensCloth]

We in a chuck it in the **** it bucket, no one works things out. Just take the easy way out and hell do it by text aswell even easier.