Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[nolanola]

Have either of you ladies ever had success with online dating? I've done it a few times but have never had much success. The only people I've dated long term have been people I met in real life. I think because then you can tell if that "something" is there when you meet someone. With my date the other night, he was really nice and all, but I just didn't feel that same thing. And I kept thinking that he was not my ex. I hear a lot of people saying that things can change and grow, but that has never happened for me. So I wonder if maybe I'm looking at things wrong? Like I'm expecting that "something" but maybe that "something" is actually a sign that something is wrong? Like I'm attracted to the wrong thing?

 

@TooMuch2Ask, I have read some stuff on Evan Marc Katz before, but at the time I found him depressing. I think because, at the time, I was trying to justify that it was fine that my ex wasn't giving me the commitment I wanted. I think Katz is kind of the same school of thought as the whole "he's just not that into you", right? At the time, I preferred to stay in denial that my ex was emotionally unavailable or just not willing to commit to me. I know I've said this a million times, but the thing I fear the most is that it was all about me. That he is perfectly willing to commit to someone else, he just didn't want to with me. Then he met someone else and suddenly it was fine and he wanted to. It's so frustrating sometimes.

 

I haven't heard from the guy I went out with on Tuesday and honestly I'm not sure I care. Of course, I haven't gotten in touch with him either. I was thinking maybe I just wanted to make an effort to show that I was trying. Maybe it's all just false bravado or something. But I do think it helps a little bit. I thought of my ex this morning as soon as I woke up, so that not thinking of him in the morning thing didn't last. And I felt a bit of sadness when I thought of him. He feels so far away now and I guess he is.

 

I feel optimistic about my life, for the most part. Having a few dates helps. I joined a book club and will go to my second meeting on Monday. I'm excited to make some girlfriends and new connections. I really enjoy the volunteer opportunities - I'm going back next week. My friend called me yesterday and invited me to participate in another medical mission trip in September that I'm super excited about. My days are filling up nicely with things to focus on and look forward to. Work is stressful but going pretty well. So why am I so hung up on this guy that didn't treat me very well? Arg!!!!!

 

I love that you guys are about my age. So many times I read stuff on here about people in their 20s. I know the hurt is the same, but I feel like the possibility at that age is almost endless. Single people are everywhere! At our age they aren't so easy to find. It's like going to a flea market and searching for that rare valuable antique in the pile of used clothes. So I know you guys understand. But I also feel like I shouldn't have to just take any man that is interested in me.

 

I'm just rambling now, but that's where I'm at this morning. @LauraXX, I hope things work out with your guy. Maybe next weekend you guys will be able to address some of the underlying issues? It's much easier to talk in person. @TooMuch2Ask, don't be so hard on yourself. I think you did get something from this guy, even if it wasn't well balanced all the time. Theoretically, in a good relationship, it's like a see saw. Sometimes one person is up and can help the other one when they're down. Then it changes and the one being supportive needs support. I think you did the best you could and you tried to be direct with him about what you needed. I know a lot of men have trouble reading cues from women and need direction -- you tried to let him know that you needed support from him. He may just be in a place that he can't give it to you, for whatever reason. I don't think a lack of caring is the reason. Clearly he cares about you. But I understand why you would feel slighted by his lack of verbalized concern for what you are going through at the moment.

[LauraXX]

Have either of you ladies ever had success with online dating? I've done it a few times but have never had much success. The only people I've dated long term have been people I met in real life. I think because then you can tell if that "something" is there when you meet someone.

 

I first tried online dating (Tinder) about two years after the relationship with my partner of 10years (father of my kid) ended. And I hated it! I really had the impression that it was just about finding a quick hook-up and I didn't go on a single date and just deleted the app again after a few weeks of trying.

 

But I found it so difficult to meet people in real life. I never had problems with that before I met my ex and had a kid. I was in my 20s then, went out every weekend, had no problem approaching guys (and was approached by guys quite frequently). And that just didn't happen anymore in my late 30s. So last year in April I reluctantly decided to install Tinder again. Started texting with a guy, met him a few weeks later...and taa daa .... ended up dating the guy for six months. That's the ex I've been talking about on this thread

 

And now I'm back on Tinder and quite enjoy it at the moment. There's the occasional creep of course. But I also met a bunch of really nice guys. And you're totally right: It's just impossible to tell beforehand if "something is there". But that's fine... as long as you don't have high expectations. Even when there's no chemistry it's still nice to meet new people, try out a new bar or restaurant and just have a good conversation with somebody. Only problem is that I find there's an age gap on Tinder. The guys I see there are either in their early 30s or late 40s (and I get the impression that most of them are actually older and lying about their age ). I have a first date tomorrow with somebody who is actually my age and I think he's the first Tinder date who's not much older or younger than me.

 

Oh, and I never tried any other Online Dating site or app.

[nolanola]

So just as I was giving up hope, I had a nice date last night! I almost canceled because I just didn't feel up to going out, meeting a guy, and then making awkward small talk. But I went anyway and told myself that if it sucked I could tell him I had to go feed my cat.

 

It went well and I felt really comfortable with him! He reminds me a lot of my first love, as far as his look and some other things (he's a runner like my first love was). He seemed to have a good time too, I think. He walked me to my car and then I gave him a ride to his. He hugged me and said he had a really good time. When he got home he sent me a message through the app saying he had a good time. He had asked for my number before the date, but I didn't feel comfortable giving it to him until I actually met him in person, so I answered that I had a good time too and sent him my number. Right after, he texted me and asked me out again, asked when it would be a good time. I wrote him back and offered a couple of days next week but he hasn't answered that yet. (Not sure if I should stress about that...trying not to).

 

So I felt really good when I went to bed. Then I woke up in the middle of the night after a terrible dream about my Dad. For some reason, I could not go back to sleep and started thinking of my ex and his girlfriend. I was filled with so much anxiety. It took a while for me to quiet that down so I could go back to sleep, but it was super uncomfortable. I don't know why that would come up after such a nice time? I saw my therapist today and she wasn't sure. But she said it will take time for me to let go and move on and to not be so hard on myself.

 

So now I guess I will wait to see if he gets back in touch. I feel optimistic though, just about my current life.

 

My therapist said something today that she thinks I might be able to get some closure on my ex on our trip. That I will see that he no longer cares for me. I get the feeling that she thinks he thought of me as his side piece or something. I hate that thought and I really do feel like he cared about me and I even think he did at the end, at least in some way. He just cared about himself more and wasn't man enough to be honest with me. Sometimes she says things and it makes me doubt myself. But I don't want to let that diminish what has been a really good day.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@Laura

 

I'm glad that you were able to at least hear from him again and that you are not in the same place emotionally you were before. That's definitely progress!! I've never tried tinder but have heard both good and bad things about it, as with every other dating site. I'm glad that you are still seeing other people - I think that helps.

 

 

@nola

 

I had the most success with bumble. I like it the best and met the most normal people on that one. I tried match and ok cupid also but didn't like either of those very well. Which one are you using?

 

In regards to the male blogger - I totally get why you wouldn't continue reading it when you were in the thick of it with your ex. His posts would definitely have had you questioning yourself. The blogs are super helpful though and they're worth the read since you're putting yourself back out into the dating world, at least for me. For the record, your ex has/had commitment issues that have nothing to do with you, in my opinion. I don't think there is anything you could have done differently to have a different outcome unfortunately.

 

I'm soooooooo glad you had a nice date earlier this week!!! That is excellent news! I'm laughing that your excuse to leave was going to be to go feed your cat. I literally laughed out loud. Hard. Hilarious. Do you have another date lined up? And I definitely don't think you should stress about it either way because you are just getting out there to meet new people and have fun right now. If you go into it with that mentality then you won't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm not saying that you don't want to meet someone or be in a relationship but I think your goal right now is just to get your feet wet. So enjoy these dates and enjoy the process (I think Laura said the same thing). I'm excited for you!!

 

It will definitely take time for you to let go and not be so hard on yourself. That is the same issue I'm having - being nice and kind to myself even when I don't feel or act as strong as I think I should by now. I agree with your therapist and think that one way or another, you will get closure on your trip. I just do. I'm looking forward to that for you.

 

My week was super busy - the busiest I've been in a really long time. I had to get my work computer fixed, hence why I haven't posted. I just can't post these long messages on my phone through this site. He has texted every day but the communication is very minimal, which works for me. I've had many other things to focus on and I don't feel anxious about anything. I think I saw him in passing early last week but nothing since then which I'm also good with. It didn't bother me at all when I saw him. I think maybe something has drastically changed for me - I just can't deal with the bull***** anymore and am really trying to take care of myself. We'll see how long it lasts. I'm looking forward to this week because I will be busy all day every day again which is always nice and keeps my thoughts off of the situation.

 

How was everyone's weekend??

[nolanola]

I've had a pretty good weekend, all in all. I worked yesterday morning and had plans that I would come home and go for a run in the afternoon, but then I fell asleep. Whoops. Times like that I can be hard on myself, because I am (still) comparing myself to my image of BB -- that she works out all the time, eats so healthy, and so on. Did I tell you that she doesn't drink? I'm not a huge drinker either, but my ex definitely enjoys having drinks. Anyway, I felt a little down last night, but not so terribly.

 

When I woke up this morning, I really felt so happy. The weather is absolutely beautiful today and I went for a run first thing. I felt so great when I came home and was able to clean the house, do laundry, and all that. I am having a dinner party tonight, so I've been cooking a preparing all day for that. I had the thought today that this is the happiest I have been in literally 5 months, since the day I found BB's Facebook page. So that's something.

 

Since I went out with the one guy, he has been texting me quite a bit. I don't really mind, but I do feel like it's a bit too soon for us to be talking every day. It's also a weird thing that when someone seems really into me, I start to lose interest. I still want to go out with him again, but the texting every day is definitely throwing ice water on how excited I was about him the other night. I sometimes wonder if I am more attracted to the guys that aren't as into me, or the ones that are unavailable. This reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie first meets Aiden and she keeps talking about how she's not getting "the stomach flip", as if it's a bad thing. Sigh. What do you guys think? Have you noticed this too or am I the only weirdo?

 

I started making a list of things that I'm anxious about to talk to my therapist about. She had suggested we try to think about how I can be most loving towards myself in those moments, so I can prepare as well as I can. I feel like I am in a good place and moving towards an even better one and I don't want that to get f***ed up by seeing him again.

 

@TooMuch2Ask it seems like you're in an ok place with his every day contact. Is there any effort on his part to try to see each other? I wonder if he is also afraid of letting go. I'm sure you have been a bright spot and a comfort for him, I'm sure the thought of breaking ties with you must be really hard. Curious where you see this daily contact going or transitioning to, if anything.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

Pleaseeeeee don't compare yourself to BB - it's like apples and oranges. You are totally different people. I don't know her but I like you better, by far lol!!! I fall into the comparison game also but it's just detrimental because it tears down our self-esteem. I know it's hard. So hard. I'm not a heavy drinker either but I do enjoy a nice glass of prosecco, especially now that the weather is getting nicer. Wonder why she doesn't drink at all? How did you find that out?

 

 

I'm so glad you were happy today when you woke up. Isn't that the best feeling? The weather here is really nice too so I was busy all day doing things outside. I hope your dinner party turns out beautifully. I love having people over for dinner. The fact that you were the happiest you have been in 5 months is HUGE progress. HUGE. Write that down on a sticky note and put it on your mirror so you don't forget how far you've come!!!

 

Ok so about the other guy... part of me thinks that if you were really into him it wouldn't matter if he texted you every day because you would like that. The other part of me thinks that maybe you're right and that the reason you aren't into him is because he's showing interest in you. I really do think you need to talk about that with your therapist also. When I first started dating I felt like my therapist was also kind of my dating coach because I had no idea what I was doing after being out of the loop for so long (because I was married). Is he trying to talk to you all day every day or just reaching out to check in a couple of times per day? Every dating blog I've read says that the goal is to find someone that is reaching out every day because that shows that he is interested in you and wants to continue dating. I think if he only reached out a couple of times a week it would not show interest. I know it may be overwhelming to start with though. Maybe you don't like the daily contact because you aren't really ready for a real relationship yet - this is something you already kind of knew because you wanted to just get out there and meet people. When I'm dating someone I like then I want them to text me daily. If they aren't texting me daily I tend to lose interest because I don't feel they're interested in me. In the past when I was on bumble I wouldn't really invest much time in anyone that wasn't contacting me at least once a day to say hi, etc. It's probably why I have such an issue with the guy at work going days without contacting sometimes lol. So you and I are different in that respect - especially if this is something you have seen within yourself before.

 

 

 

No he hasn't asked to see me and I will not ask to see him, mostly because I don't want to see him outside of the office. I do not initiate contact and haven't since the last in depth conversation we had where he was pretty vulnerable and emotional. I'm sure it's hard for him to let go as well, like you said. I have no idea where this is going for him. For me, I am slowly (but surely) getting further and further away from him. I feel it in my heart and in my soul. Every day that goes by I get further and further away from him in my head and in my heart. I am slower to respond than I used to be because I just don't have the urge. He could move mountains at this point and I just can't come any closer because I know what he will inevitably do (pull away). I am going to maintain my distance from him in person also because it just makes me feel better the more time that goes by without interacting with him in person. It all just feels different now, at least for me. After our last conversation he did ask me how often I was seeing the new guy. I was honest with him and told him that we do see each other every week. He's always said that it didn't bother him but I don't believe it because he wouldn't ask that (or other questions he's asked before) if it didn't bother him at all. When he asked me that (I guess it was a week and a half ago now) I asked him what the status was in his marriage and if there was any back and forth at all. His reply was that there was no marriage, he had to figure out a few things with his kids, and there was no back and forth. So right now I'm just trying to move on and be as amicable as I can be. When he texts me every day it's just to say hey or ask how my day is going or chit chat like I would chit chat with you if you and I texted. We aren't talking about anything heavy, no relationshippy types of texts. For example, yesterday he texted around noon and said "Happy Saturday! Beautiful day out. Hope you're enjoying it!" I replied with the same type of thing and said I was out and about etc. We talked a little later that day about a show on netflix. So that's the gist of what the conversations have been like for the last week or more. I feel like I'm really ok with that because the thought of having an emotional conversation with him or being physical with him right now isn't something that I want. I just want to have a normal working relationship without being told "I love you, I want you in my life, I can't control myself around you". All of that just makes me angry because they aren't backed up with actions. The innocuous conversations are ok with me. If he stopped contacting me again I think I'd be ok with that at this point also - probably because I'm just done. I'm the type of person that gives a lotttttt to people in my circle but when I'm done, I'm done. I'm not going to do the back and forth with him anymore. I'm sure I could tell him to never contact me again but that just seems dramatic to me given we work together. I guess if he started back with the other types of conversation I would have to tell him I can't talk and be like that with him anymore. I think I just rambled on a good bit so I'll stop now lol!

[nolanola]

I don't know why she doesn't drink. When I first saw her page, back around Halloween, she had a picture of her at a bar and there was a drink in front of her. Someone said something like "That better not be real" or something like that and she said that it was non-alcoholic. She also had a picture of herself recently holding up a sign that said "designated driver". So that's how I found that out. No idea what that's about. When I was thinking about it after I read your post, I had the heart stopping thought that she was pregnant but then I realized that it's been at least 5 months since I saw the post about the non-alcoholic drink and she definitely does not appear to be pregnant. If I had to guess it would be about her appearance. She did post something about how she used to be overweight, so maybe that's it.

 

I wish I did not compare myself to her, or to what I think she is. I'm sure she is a perfectly nice person but in my mind she is all of these things that I am not. I'm not sure if you read this part way back in my thread, but it is heart breaking to me that I do not have children. I tried earlier this year (and several times last year) to have a baby on my own without success and it was terribly heart breaking. To see her with her children makes me feel pretty small. My ex has two boys, who he adores and in my mind, the fact that she is a mother just gives her that extra thing that I don't have. I realize that sounds so pitiful but that is how I honestly feel. My most recent attempt to have children failed in mid-January and that was right before I went back to her page and got confirmation that he is definitely seeing her. So it was a brutal punch in the gut.

 

I hear a lot about how kids these days are so much more depressed than in past generations due to social media and the unrealistic view it paints and I totally get this. I know that people cultivate a certain persona online that isn't necessarily real but that isn't easy to appreciate when you're looking at your ex's girlfriend's page. I was telling one of my friends about the pictures that she posts of places they've gone together and she said "yeah, but she's not posting pictures of the other 25 nights a month she's not seeing him because he's working or with his children" and that made me feel a bit less crazy, but man is it tough.

 

My friends just left after the dinner party. It was great to have company. One of my friends has a very sweet 4 year old boy and I love when he comes over. He decorated me with stickers and it really almost made me cry. I feel a little sad and lonely now, but not so bad. I will just try to remind myself that I felt so great this morning -- it's nice to know that that feeling is possible.

 

You know what's odd? After saying that the guy was texting every day, now he didn't text today and I find myself wondering why not. I had told him I was busy this weekend with work and the dinner, so maybe that's why. I'm such a mess. He was pretty open and straightforward about wanting to get together again -- this should be a good thing!! The thing that was the worst about my ex was trying to constantly decipher what was in his head. And he was so inconsistent, which made me feel awful. So someone that shows he likes me should be a good and positive thing.

 

I don't think I could continue to talk daily with someone that I was trying to separate from, but you sound pretty good about it. That was part of the reason I held on for so long with my ex. I was still wanting to be with him and he was still reaching out. Our conversation was not super romantic all the time either, although it was flirty sometimes. I think I held onto his persistent communication as a sign that he didn't want to let go of me. I shouldn't compare your situation to mine though, as at least you're seeing someone else and actively trying to move on. Maybe it is possible for you guys to be friends again? Although I do think it's easier for women to transition from a romantic relationship to a platonic one. I do wonder if your ex is hanging around hoping you won't go too far and he will get another chance. And if he's asking about who you are dating and how often, he is definitely jealous. He probably just doesn't want to be obvious about it.

[TooMuch2Ask]

Yeah so the lack of drinking must be health related then. I can only imagine how much it would hurt if she were pregnant. I can absolutely understand how easy it is for you to think that she has an edge over you because she has children, etc. If it's any consolation, the men that do not have children are more attractive to me than the ones that do. It's just easier to date someone and potentially marry them if they don't already have children than to try and blend two families with two sets of children and exes. Just my opinion. There are plenty of men that want to date someone that doesn't already have children but have motherly instincts (you are clearly nurturing just given your post about your friend's 4 year old child - you can tell in your post how nurturing you are). I do remember you talking about not having children and last year being a really tough year for you all around. Right before you took a week off from the site I asked you if you had ever considered adoption and what your next course of action might be when it came to having children. I understand if you don't want to answer though.

 

 

Your friend is right and I think I may have said something similar regarding her social media posts.... no one but them knows how their relationship really is. I tend to think that people who post a ton of mushy stuff or perfect pictures and trips are trying to over compensate for something. Obviously that's a huge generalization and maybe I feel that way because I'm not a big poster. I like to live my life without the whole world knowing every trip I'm taking or everything I'm doing. So when I see others posting every single thing or only perfect things I don't trust it lol! Social media can definitely be the devil. It's crazy how many people's self worth is set by what's going on in social media.

 

 

Trying to read between the lines and figure out what someone means is definitely not what any of us should be having to do in relationships. I think that is why I've been pulling away with him - because I'm so tired of doing that and I deserve better. I totally get what you're saying about not knowing how you would separate from someone you're talking to everyday. I think it's just happening organically. I'm not actively trying to go "no contact" or trying to stay away from him. I just feel less for him every day because I don't like the way it makes me feel anymore. Obviously it's not cut and dry for me because I'm sure I will vacillate between that and wanting to be close to him but, for now, that is how I feel and how I've felt for the last week or more. I'm not sure if he's hanging around thinking he will get another chance - I'm not even sure he wants another chance. I think he just wants me in his life when it's convenient for him and when it works for him. This daily contact is probably because of what I communicated many times about him not contacting me when he's stressed or when he feels like it - but that was back when I thought him changing that would make a difference. It's almost like it's too little, too late now. There is part of him that is definitely jealous but, at the same time, he doesn't want me to that degree. It's probably just hard for him to know I'm talking to someone else. It's such a complicated and f'ed up situation. When I type it out I feel a little crazy for even giving him the time of day at all. I just don't feel like creating any drama and having to work in that type of environment either.

 

 

Getting back to what you were saying about deciphering your ex etc. I think we all should be looking for connections with men we don't have to do that with. It could involve a little bit of training ourselves to look at things differently though. Old habits die hard right? I think it's a really good thing if you go out on a date with someone, you're attracted to them, you have a decent connection, and they continue to communicate with you daily. One thing I did learn while online dating is that I never got my hopes up about anyone and didn't take my profile down unless I was exclusive with someone. So even though there were a few dates that left me feeling excited about the possibilities, I still kept my eyes open because they could decide 3 days later that they liked someone else better. Online dating can be a fickle thing sometimes but it got my feet wet and made me feel more confident with dating in general because it had been soooooo long. I think if you can find someone through online dating (lots of people do) that's great! I think you can also meet people in person too - the main goal is just to put yourself out there again and create opportunities to meet new people. I think the thing I keep reminding myself is that a guy will show you he wants to communicate with and see you again. You won't have to guess or wonder if he likes you. He will ask you out, he will text, he will call. If he doesn't then you have your answer. I think the difficult situations are when they text or call justtttttt enough to keep you on the hook but not enough to really make things exclusive. That's when you have to decide at some point whether to keep going or cut them loose. If that happens to either one of us again I can only hope that we decide to cut them loose WAY sooner!

Edited March 25, 2019 by TooMuch2Ask

[nolanola]

I have thought about adopting and am still considering it. My mother died when I was 6 and one of the things that was most heartbreaking to me about my difficulties conceiving was that nothing of my mom would live on, because my brother does not have (or want) children. I am pursuing another option before I give up and that will probably be not until later this year. I never, ever thought I would be in this situation. I guess no one does, you kind of just think everything will work out fine on its own. Life goes by so fast and before you know it you're 42 and worried about fertility and possibly never having children.

 

So now I have heard nothing more from the guy from the other night. I don't want to have expectations, but he was really the first guy I've met through an online app or site that I felt a connection with. I've met lots of nice guys, but none of them felt comfortable to me, like we had that connection. Even though I know I shouldn't, I know I will be very disappointed if this is all there is to him. I am consulting my brother (my authority on all things male) for advice on whether I should text him again. I do think he should be the one asking me out, but maybe I should text him so he knows I'm interested? This is where I'm SO bad with things. I overthink things a lot and second guess myself. I worry about "the rules" and all that. I think I let him know that I had a great time (and I sent him my number!) so the next step should really be on him, I would think. Thoughts?

 

The app is kind of frustrating. I think it's kind of like one of those things that you can have so many options that you don't need to make a firm choice. I'm still responding to people on the app, but don't have any other dates set up yet. Sigh. I think I'm just a little down today. I was feeling so good after the good date that I felt like things were taking an upswing.

 

I don't blame you for taking the immediately easier options with your ex and I completely get where you are coming from. Your insight into him seems pretty spot on, without the rose colored glasses. I think that is great, although I know it doesn't make it any easier. Any news on the job transfer?

[Endnote]

@nolanola it's good to see that you're putting yourself out there again. I've found that incessant communication can make things really...unattractive to both parties, especially when you're getting to know each other. I think taking things slow especially since you're still healing is perfectly healthy. Whether or not you should text new guy, well, I think it's okay because you'll be showing interest, but I think if he wants to convey confidence and attractiveness, he's gotta set the date up (well, at least, from a male perspective, that has generally been more successful for me in my dating life), so hopefully he will. I've found texting to be so impersonal even with friends, fam, etc, so I prefer to get together to spend time with people face to face. Even if it doesn't work out, I'd say enjoy what you can and taking things slow is perfectly fine. Just my two cents.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

I hope this next option works out for you. I have several friends who have struggled with fertility and I know how daunting and upsetting it can be. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of that.

 

 

In terms of contacting the guy, I agree 100% with endnote. I think it's fine if you want to reach out to him but he should definitely be the one to set the next date up. I also agree that constant text communication is overwhelming. I don't see anything wrong with being in touch daily - how is your day, good morning, etc. but constant texting all day long is a lot. I am also a face to face person so I think texting should be used only to keep in contact in between dates. I'm just still glad that you met someone you connected with so you know it's possible!!! It's just so good that you're getting out there and opening yourself up. So much progress.

 

I have my interview for the promotion Monday afternoon. I can't wait and I'm excited! I hope it goes well. It would be 2-4 weeks following that to transition if I get it. Fingers crossed. I have to be in court with him for most of the morning on the case we have together. Hopefully it goes well. I'm feeling pretty ok with the situation right now and I do think I'm seeing the situation as clearly as I can... I'm not feeling anxious about seeing him like I have over the last few months. I think I'm just going through the process of moving on and it feels ok - some moments are better than others but I think that's normal.

[nolanola]

I waited to text him and he reached out last night. He basically said he was relieved his trial was over (he's an attorney) and asked how my weekend was. I answered about my weekend and said I hoped things turned out well for him, asked him how his weekend was. He wrote back and said that his weekend was ok, but that he worked most of it. Then he said he was looking forward to seeing me again. So, to me, that means he's kind of asking for a date. So I wrote back with the times I was available over the next week or so. He responds by saying "I'm sure we'll find something that works". Like, what? I am not any good at any of this stuff. I have very little game.

 

I'm just going to take you guy's advice and let him take the lead on another date. Wait to see what he does. He's not an all day texter, more like a close to once a day "how are you" texter. Which is not bad, just something that I'm a little wary of. My ex came on pretty strong after our first date (after we had been emailing and texting back and forth for about a month) so I'm wary and finding it hard to not think that this guy is the same.

 

I keep reminding myself that I had wanted to try to look at dates from this point as whether I liked the guy, not whether he liked me. But now I'm spending a fair amount of time wondering what he's thinking. I am still responding to men on Hinge, but not much else is happening there right now.

 

I am keeping myself pretty busy though and that is a great thing for me. I had a long day at work today, but it was ok and I feel like I helped some people. Days like that, I don't think about my ex a lot. As I was driving home, I thought about him, but it was more like a passing thought with little attached emotion. That's a good day for me.

 

How was everyone else's day?

[CPpanther]

Hi everyone, I have been away for a few weeks because quite a lot has happened and I was really heading in the right direction until the last couple of days were one of these setbacks again.

4 weeks ago I contacted my ex because I had signed us up for some fun TV show as a surprise (I did this BEFORE the breakup) and of course, while you normally never actually get selected, guess who got a call from the show now? Anyway, I felt the need to tell him about it and so I did. We talked a bit and he admitted feeling bad about the breakup too even though he did not want to get back together and he even said he doesn't want any contact anymore. So that was the last time we spoke and strangely enough I was at peace with it because he finally admitted he is struggling too meaning not everything was one big lie.

 

I tried dating a couple of new guys, but none of them seemed a good match. Then I got a text from a guy I have had a kind of ****buddy thing with for the past 4 years in between our relationships with others, although I have been secretly in love with him all this time. So I decided to finally tell him the truth. He reacted understanding and kindly. I don't know why, but this made me feel okay about just having sex again so I went to his place where he suddenly acted way more interested in my life than normally and then he said he was sorry but did not really feel like having sex today (something he has NEVER done before) and of course this has been messing with my head for the past couple of days. I can't stop thinking whether this is because he is in love with someone or because he looks at me differently now and suddenly all the feelings of loneliness of the breakup and alle the nightmares about the ex are back and I just feel miserable again.

Edited March 27, 2019 by CPpanther

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, good to see you again!! It's so hard to understand why people act the way they do sometimes. I think most people don't want to hurt us and will do and say things to avoid doing that, even if it means telling a white lie or not confessing the full truth. That said, I don't know why your guy wouldn't want to have sex or why he would be more chatty than he usually is. I have always had the bias that men take sex a lot less seriously than women do, but I know this isn't always the truth and he may be wary of sex now that he knows your feelings.

 

My concern is that you told him that you have been secretly in love with him and he didn't say something similar back (correct me if I'm wrong, when you said he responded understandingly and kindly I was unsure). If you're ok being in that grey, just friends but we sleep together sometimes place, I get that, but I wonder if this is the right thing.

 

Putting ourselves "back out there" is so scary. We're giving our hearts and egos to someone and giving them the power to totally smash them. Do you think that your moves towards this guy might be due to your recent breakup? Like trying to find a connection with someone, even if he isn't the best candidate? Loneliness is so tough. I know, for me, I look at everyone else and imagine that they are SO much happier than me. I think that there is something wrong with me, because of course, otherwise I would have someone. I'm just wondering. This guy sounds like he's not open to being that guy for you, at least not at this point. Maybe you need a little more (or even a lot more) time to heal?

 

I actually find myself quite content this afternoon. I had a very long day yesterday, went to bed really early last night, and had a conference all morning. It is an absolutely beautiful day today and on my way home I stopped and got my favorite lunch. I just finished eating it in front of an open window and am looking forward to a nap. I got a text from the guy asking if I was still free on Sunday, so I'm hoping we're going out again.

[CPpanther]

@nolanola I think you are pretty spot on with everything you are saying. I have been pretty crazy about this guy ever since we met and he said he was sorry for not realising. He did not say that he likes me back no, all he said was 'I am open for doing more than just sex, you never know what might come from it'. I told him that does not sound healthy for me, sex with some (false) hope of it becoming more. Going to his place anyway was probably a weak moment that has a lot to do with my break up, just like you said.

At the same time, my break up left me at a place where I have decided to be more open about what I feel and what I want, which is also why I finally told him the truth. I actually texted the guy saying last Sunday was a little odd and then asking whether he was in love with someone maybe. All he responded was 'I don't know, I am very confused right now too'. I am thinking of just telling him for me it is either going on proper dates or casual sex, he doesn't seem to want to date me and I don't see this being as casual as it used tot be so it will probably be better to finally quit.

 

I love those days where you just feel content, they give so much clarity. I had a couple of those after I had gone on a short vacation by myself. I hope for you it will last

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

I'm so glad the new guy asked if you were still free on Sunday. That is very good and positive. Also, I'm glad you clarified what you meant by talking every day and that he isn't texting all day, every day. I think daily contact to say hello and check in, in between dates, is very good. I know that might be overwhelming for you but I think it's a good sign from a guy.

 

My birthday was yesterday and I had court for several hours with my ex for work. It went well and it was fairly uneventful. He picked me up at the office and we rode together. He brought me a gift, two things he knew I would like. We acted like friends, which was good with me. I am ok with where we are right now. We had a conversation yesterday about me moving forward with the person I'm seeing because both of us know that we aren't going to end up together (he just isn't in any type of space to be in a committed relationship and I really want to be in one). It would be hard to do if my ex pushed the envelope or busted through boundaries. I was sad some last night because I thought I would be further with the moving on process by the time my birthday rolled around. Even so, I'm definitely not in the same place I was around Thanksgiving when I first started reading posts here. So that's some progress. I was a little sad yesterday when I thought of all the things I would miss - the way he looks at me, calling just to hear my voice, all of the nice things he says.... then I thought of all the things I won't miss - push/pull, hot/cold, not knowing what he's thinking, walking on eggshells, not bringing up things because it isn't a good time for him. So, all in all, I think I'm going to gain a lot more than I will lose. I have always known this but these are just some thoughts I had yesterday when i was a little sad. Then I picked myself up and decided I'm not going to wallow. Slowly but surely I am moving on and it feels ok.

 

Just wanted to mention this... you said something like if you were as good as everyone else you would have someone now. I do want to say that you could be with someone now if you wanted to. All of us could. You could find someone tomorrow if you wanted to. You were trying to find someone that you connected with in a way that would last forever. That is not always cut and dry for all of us. Just wanted to point that out because it's tough to see people around us so "happy" and having everything "together". That's all fog and mirrors sometimes though...

 

 

@panther

 

I agree with nola.... maybe he didn't want to have sex because he realizes that it isn't just friends with benefits for you anymore. I also agree with what you said about moving forward. Being in limbo is tough, that's where I've been for a really long time and I hate it. I'm not doing it anymore but it's taken me a while to decide that. So you're right, either dating properly or both being on the same page about being friends with benefits seems the way to go. I'm sorry you had a tough conversation with your ex though. I hope it provided some closure from you to move forward. Moving on seems to be so freaking hard.... ugh!

Edited March 27, 2019 by TooMuch2Ask

[CPpanther]

@panther

 

I agree with nola.... maybe he didn't want to have sex because he realizes that it isn't just friends with benefits for you anymore. I also agree with what you said about moving forward. Being in limbo is tough, that's where I've been for a really long time and I hate it. I'm not doing it anymore but it's taken me a while to decide that. So you're right, either dating properly or both being on the same page about being friends with benefits seems the way to go. I'm sorry you had a tough conversation with your ex though. I hope it provided some closure from you to move forward. Moving on seems to be so freaking hard.... ugh!

 

I have decided I will text him tomorrow. Best case he will say he wants to give it a shot, worst case we will never be anything but that does not sound much worse than this not-knowing.

The conversation with my ex definitely brought me closure. I haven't talked to him in over 3 weeks now and I do not feel the urge to contact him at all. I do still miss him, but there seems to be more distance between those feelings and my overall mood.

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, I'm all about saying what you need to say, but do you think maybe giving him a little space might be a good idea? You just told him something pretty heavy - maybe let it sit for a while? I know how uncomfortable it is to just sit with those feelings though. Sometimes just knowing is better than wondering.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Losing someone you want in your life is so hard and leaves such a huge void. I think it's natural to try to fill that void as soon as possible to minimize the pain of it. However, this FWB guy sounds like he's not the one. He might be the one some day, if he has a change of heart. I don't know if I'm ready to be in a relationship either. There is a part of me that wants it, so that I can feel better and can feel wanted again. The fact that I am probably going to see my ex in a few weeks is also a factor - I'd love to see the look on his face when I casually say something about the man I'm dating. I know it's not a good way to think, but I'm human I can't help it.

 

But, at the same time, I think moving forward (looking for love) is what has to happen after a relationship ends. Otherwise you just stay stuck in place. I am trying to be very aware of the man that I choose this time. I want to pick someone that is SURE he wants to be with me. Not some of the time, but all of the time. Not someone I have to wonder about all the time or wonder when he's going to call. Someone I'll feel comfortable about. I think you deserve the same thing.

 

@TooMuch2Ask, wow, I cannot imagine spending the whole day with my ex. It sounds like yours is pretty good about it though - meaning you guys can be pretty "normal" around each other. I'm glad you got through it. I'm also glad to see that you were able to feel ok at the end of the day. I know that feeling of thinking of the past and the things that made your connection to that person special. It's so bittersweet. There's this park fairly close to my house that my ex and I went to on one of our first dates. That day was perfect - we rented a paddleboat and rode around the lake, talking as the sun set. It was so romantic and perfect. When I used to go by that park (which I do a lot for work), I used to get an ache in my chest because I wanted that back. The way he looked at me and how happy I was. It has gotten easier now. I still think about him and that day, especially when it's a beautiful day and people are boating. But now I kind of think of it as a really nice time without that pain in my chest. I guess it's all about time and accepting that those wonderful things are in the past. As much as that sucks.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

Things like you mentioned about being at the park are what get me sometimes too. Even though we weren't officially "together" we spent a lot of time together at different places. We have a spot we call our spot where we've been many, many times for drinks and food. We've taken day trips together out of town and also gone to work trainings together that were 2 day trips. I'm going to miss those things but, like I said, I won't miss all of the other things I've had to go through. What you said about wanting to be with someone that wants to be with you - that is EXACTLY where I'm at right now. I don't want someone that only wants me around sometimes. Not saying that someone has to be around me 24/7 but you know what I mean. Being around him Tuesday wasn't easy but it wasn't as hard as it was a couple of months ago. Something in me feels more content with where my head is even though it sucks. You were with your ex for a long time so I'm still amazed that you are moving forward as well as you are. I'm sure you have a TON of memories and the fact that you are able to see a difference in how you feel about them now versus 5 months ago is fantastic!

 

 

Btw, I SO want you to be able to talk about the guy you're seeing while on the mission trip so your ex can hear you telling someone else about it. I just really do. I know some people think that's petty but whatever, it's normal!!! When do you leave? I'm looking forward to hearing all about it when you return.

 

 

@panther

 

 

I agree with nola. I would give it some time before asking him what he wants or how he feels about what you said. Sometimes it takes men a little bit longer to process things. Maybe he just wants to continue FWB or maybe he feels the same way but never knew what your feelings were. Either way, he knows how you feel now and everything I have read about men says that if he is interested you will know it. I know everything isn't always that cut and dry though. It's so hard to move on from someone you have strong feelings for and also have a physical connection with. So hard... let us know what you decided to do!

[CPpanther]

@nolanola

 

I like how you mention how someone should be sure about wanting to be with you. I think this is also why I decided to just be blunt and honest now, because if they are not sure about me, how can I be sure about them?

 

@TooMuch2Ask

 

Maybe you are right and maybe he does need more time to process. However, I know that I am the type of person that is going to put my life on hold and wait for them to be sure and so far, that has not brought me much in life. So I think for my own good it is better to just cut it all off, accept that it is not going to be anything, and move on. Yes they will let you know when they figure themselves out, but I believe that if they really want to, they will still do this after you have pretty much left them behind.

I have to admit I feel a little harsh saying all this and I never thought I would feel like this.

 

Anyway, I texted him around 10am saying I like keeping a clear boundary between either dating a guy or having casual sex with a guy. I said I am assuming he does not want to date and I think this is getting too complicated to be casual, so unless I am jumping to the wrong conclusions it is probably better to quit here.

It is 10pm now and I haven't had a reply, so I have deleted him. If he changes his mind he knows where to find me but I don't like the fact that he didn't even give me an 'ok' or a 'bye'.

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, I think being honest is fine. I like that you are thinking of what is best for you, not for this guy. If you're honest with him in a kind way and he bows out, that is his loss. And I realize saying that probably never made anyone feel any better, but it is so true. You DO deserve someone that will jump at the opportunity to be with you. Who would not want to lose you. I don't know how old this guy is or what the rest of his story is, but it's possible that he might go away and come back. I'm feeling generous today...

 

@TooMuch2Ask, I leave 4 weeks from today. I'm still not 100% sure he's going. My friend said that he told the woman that does all the organizing that he was planning to be there, so I'm guessing that is a yes. I think I am going to plan for him to be there and prepare myself for that. I'd rather do that than think he won't be there and get the worst stomach lurch when I see him at the airport.

 

If things go as they have on previous trips, someone will probably ask about my dating status, so I might be able to say something. There is one man that goes with us who seems to always ask me something about if I'm dating or whatever. He is in his 80s and I think that's just his way, but it is always so awkward. At least this year I'll hopefully be able to say yes.

 

Another thing I am a little stressed out about is a situation that came up last year. There is a man I'll call JT. He has been going on this trip since well before I started going and is one of the organizers. He is like a son to our group leader. I met him in 2013 when I started going. He is very flirtatious and is the type that will always want to give you a hug and that kind of thing. I've always just thought that was the way he was and just mostly ignored him. Last year, he told me some things about his health and I was concerned about him and told him so. I do consider him a friend and was upset to hear that he was sick. After that, he started getting more and more flirtatious: texting me weird things, making comments about wanting to see me in a bikini, asking me to come to his room to get something, saying he missed me when he hadn't seen me all day, that kind of thing. I was getting kind of uncomfortable with it and was trying to kind of keep a distance from him. He and my ex are friends and that made it harder, because I wanted to be around my ex - so he would be there. The last day we were there, JT gave me a hug in the morning and then reached down and grabbed my butt. That was way over the line as far as I was concerned. I wish I had said something right then, but he caught me off guard.

 

I actually found out he made another woman feel uncomfortable too so I decided I had to tell our group leader. It was a terrible conversation, to look him in the eye and tell him all that. He was very supportive of me, however and said that he did not think JT should come with us again. I worried a little about this, because JT does good work and I didn't want to limit that. But our group leader said he could go on his own. My ex found out about the harassment and was very concerned about it at the time. I don't think he knew it was from JT at first because when I told him he seemed surprised. But he was supportive of me and seemed very upset.

 

However, now that we're getting ready to go back and JT will not be there, I'm getting a bit stressed out. I think pretty much everyone will be supportive, but I'm worried what people will say when they find out he isn't there. Like if they will be secretly blaming me or something. I am probably just getting worked up for nothing, right? The few people that have said something to me about the fact that he isn't going have not seemed that surprised about it, so maybe everyone knows already. The whole incident was so upsetting and I will be relieved that JT won't be there.

 

I am looking forward to the trip, mostly to seeing my friends again. I've been so busy I haven't had a ton of time to stress out about it and that is probably my best option. That, and working with my therapist to come up with good strategies to handle seeing my ex. I wonder if he has thought at all about seeing me again? Although I do feel a lot better as time goes by, I do sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about me or ever thinks he would want to talk to me.

[CPpanther]

@nolanola

 

When is this trip you are talking about? I will make sure to mentally send you some positive vibes then, haha. It sounds like a tough situation, but I think you have come a long way and you may be able to handle all of it a lot better than you are expecting now.

 

I was having a rough day today. I had an important exam today that my ex had promised to come along to back when I signed up for it and now I had to go by myself. This, I handled okay, but I started feeling bad when I passed the exam and then didn't really know how to celebrate this. I ended up going to a bar with a friend and I don't know how but I met a guy and the complete stereotypical fireworks thing happened. We talked for hours and now I am in bed and I can't sleep because I am so excited. This has never happened to me before, not even when I met my ex. I am sceptical though, because I have been feeling so lonely all week I am worried this is some extreme reaction my mind would have to any guy showing interest right now. And that thought is making me angry because what if this is legit and my stupid breakup is still interfering in something that could be really good. It is almost as if the longer ago the break up happened, the more confusing it gets because the sadness has changed into so many mixed emotions.

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, I think that is great that you went out and had a good time! Enjoy it for what it is - a connection with another person. Try not to get so far ahead of yourself. I do the same things. When I meet someone I like (which happens so rarely) I get so excited and start spinning all of these fantasies about them. I'm trying to just look at what is right in front of me, instead of what I hope will be there. When you invest so much in someone you don't know very well, you run the risk of being terribly disappointed if things don't go as you hope they will.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with "using" someone else to get over a failed relationship. As long as you are kind to the other person and acknowledge that you might need to take things slower than you would normally do. Do you have plans to see this new guy again?

 

I might as well be talking to myself right now. I am seeing marathon guy again tonight. I'm calling him marathon guy because he is a big runner (like those crazy 100 mile races and stuff). He has been texting me almost every day, but it took him a while to firm up plans for today and it was kind of making me nuts. So it's a good lesson for me to not get wrapped up in what a man is doing or not doing. Sit back and see what happens. See if I like him over time, if he shows interest in me over time.

 

My trip is in about 3 and a half weeks. It's very stressful for me when I start thinking about it. My ex is going to be there, I think. I worry about our interaction, because I know if it doesn't go well it will really upset me. I have made a list of things that I'm worried about to discuss with my therapist to try to come up with specific ways that I can handle these situations. I also bought a new dress. I want to feel my best so I can be confident and friendly like I usually am. I want to be my normal self as much as possible. I admit that there is a part of me that wants him to see me and feel like he misses having me in his life. It's childish, yes, but that's how I feel.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

I’m excited to hear how your date goes today!!! Have fun and enjoy getting to know and connect with him! That’s just exciting overall. I know you’d anxious about your trip. I would be too. I think that’s a good plan to process with your therapist over the next few weeks. I don’t think it’s childish at all to want him to miss you. I think that’s more than normal!! I’m so glad you bought a new dress. I think you should look your best, for you. I remember a few weeks ago you said that to me about dressing nice the next day at work for myself. I did and it felt so good. It had nothing to do with him - I didn’t even see him that day. It just felt nice. I smiled most of that day. How is your dad doing? Have you talked to your brother about your impending trip? He seems to give great advice!

 

I left my computer at work Thursday and haven’t been back to the office to pick it up since then. I hate posting here on my phone because it takes forever lol! So I may decide to post more tomorrow when I go back to pick it up.

 

I have the interview for the new position tomorrow. I should know within 2 weeks if I get the job or not so fingers crossed! My ex had been texting every day for over 2 weeks until Friday. Didn’t hear from him between Friday around noon until today around the same time. I didn’t text him either (I usually don’t initiate). He texted today that he came home to some kind of leak in the downstairs bathroom Friday, said he hoped my weekend went well. I assume he told me the first part as a way of explaining why he hadn’t contacted in 2 days. Who knows. I didn’t reply. Not sure if I will or not. I haven’t decided. I don’t really have anything to say. I could say “sorry to hear that, my weekend was nice.” And all of that bull**** but what’s the point? As I said last week I feel kind of over the whole thing. As if having a leak and dealing with that prevents someone from texting Friday or Saturday to say hello or to say the same thing he did today. Whatever. When I got the text today I felt nothing - I didn’t feel relieved or excited or mad. I think the only thought I had was that at least he was the last to text. Yeah I know that’s petty but I’m gonna allow myself that lol!

 

@panther

 

I think lots of people get over someone by going out and meeting other people. There is a saying I’ve heard (it’s kind of crass but I think it’s funny). The best way to get over someone is get under someone else. It just makes me laugh! But seriously, I think you should do what feels right to you and, like nola said, enjoy this time getting to know someone new!

[LauraXX]

Hi everybody, hope you all had a nice weekend.

 

@nola

I'm so interested in that whole mission trip story Hats off to you for how you dealt with the JT situation. What an a***. Please don't worry about people blaming you for him not being there. They'd have to know the circumstances to do that and if they DO know the circumstances and still blame you for speaking up, well.... that would tell a lot about them.

 

@TooMuch2Ask

Good luck for the job interview today! The way you reacted to your exes message and lame excuse for not texting totally makes sense to me. And I think it's a good sign. My stomach used to lurch whenever I received a message from my ex. Then he went MIA for two weeks and when he finally texted me, I just felt ... numb. It's not that I didn't care. I still wondered about his intentions and thought about him a lot. But it was a bit like a fuse had blown to protect me from the emotional part. And that was a relief.

 

@CPpanther

I agree with the others. Why not get some distraction if it helps you to get over your ex.

 

I spent the weekend at my ex's place and it didn't go so well tbh

He was supposed to come to my place from Sat - Sun but then he found out that he had to work on Saturday afternoon. So he asked if I was available Fri-Sat instead. I actually wanted to go to a party on Friday, but I cancelled that because I really wanted to see him and I know that we won't be able to see each other for a few weeks now (he's travelling again). That's something I usually never do (cancelling plans with friends for a guy that is). Totally goes against my principles.

 

Then he called last minute and said that he didn't have a dog sitter and couldn't drive up to see me. He has brought his dog to my place before and I'm totally fine with that. But this time he acted like it was too much of a hassle and it would be so great if I could just come to his place instead. So I did (it's a two hour drive btw). It's not a huge deal...but it somehow set the tone for the weekend if you know what I'm saying? We went bouldering together and it wasn't at much fun as it usually is. Can't even say why, but I had the feeling that we were both not feeling it. Had dinner at a restaurant that we always loved to go to together, but this time they had an event going on and the music was so crazy loud that we couldn't really have a conversation there. Then we went back to his place and, well.... I don't want to go into too much detail but we had a little sex accident and he acted so weird about it. I didn't even think it was that big of a deal, but he made me feel really self conscious about it :/ In the meantime his dog had stolen the cake I had brought from the kitchen counter and smeared it all over his new leather sofa Took us ages to clean the damn thing and then (believe it or not) my ex knocked his beer over the sofa and we had to start all over again It would have been quite funny actually if the chemistry between us hadn't been so strange the whole evening. He seemed so annoyed.

 

 

We usually sleep in when we spent the night together and then have a nice long breakfast. But I didn't really sleep the whole night because so many things were going through my head. So I got up at 6.30 the next morning and had a long shower. Afterwards I wanted to crawl back into bed, cuddle some more, have the sex I had been looking forward to But when I got out of the bathroom he had already made breakfast and was getting ready to take the dog for a walk So we just had breakfast and then I left (even though I could have stayed until the early afternoon). He didn't even ask why I was already leaving and didn't try to talk me into staying. On the drive home I felt that strange numbness again that I mentioned above. He hasn't texted me since Saturday and I somehow think that this is - finally - the end.

 

I'm meeting the other guy tonight (the young one) and I'm really looking forward to seeing him. It's strange how in the beginning I couldn't stop comparing him to my ex all the time and how I felt that he couldn't stand up to him. This weekend there were a few moments when it was the other way around for the very first time. That would be great news IF the new guy was actually boyfriend material. But he isn't We're just too different and I'm 100% sure that he has no intention to take this any further. Which is ok, because I know that he wouldn't be good for me in the long run.

 

Ugh, what a mess.