Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[nolanola]

Happy Monday everybody! It's become something I look forward to, when I log in to see new messages and to reply. Thanks for that. Being on here has been enormously helpful in healing my heart.

 

I had a pretty good weekend! I was working on Saturday and finally firmed up plans with marathon guy. Yesterday was cold and rainy here, so I spent most of the day just hanging out in front of a fire.

 

My date went pretty well, I think. I like marathon guy, but there are a few things that came up that set off a bit of a radar. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. He's much more closed up than I am. I am pretty shy and introverted when I first meet someone, but as soon as I feel comfortable, I am actually very outgoing and bubbly. He seems very reserved and in his head a lot. It's not a bad thing, but that's one of the things I noticed. He also said something about the table that they had given us - it was next to the waiter's station and so people were walking up to it a lot. It didn't really bother me and it didn't seem to outwardly bother him, but he said something about it and seemed kind of put out. I have dated men with anger issues, so I'm always on the look out for things like that. On the other hand, I found out some other things about him that I like, like the fact that he was involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and still keeps in touch with his Little brother, who is now in his 20s.

 

I was wondering if he was going to try to kiss me, but he didn't and I think I was kind of relieved. Not sure what that means for us going forward. He's kind of awkward, I think, about these kinds of things. He texted me as soon as he got home asking if he could see me again this week before he goes to Vegas on Friday. I am not opposed to it, but I think I'd like to go a little slower instead of jumping in so quickly so I said this week was a little crazy for me (which is actually is) and that we could get together next week. He seemed disappointed in that because he sent kind of a short reply and then when I thanked him for a good time he didn't reply. So, I think it's best to wade slowly into this one and see more about his personality.

 

@TooMuch2Ask, I guess that text exchange is all you need to know that he has not changed at all. There's something comforting in that, I think, even though it's kind of petty. It's like if they still have the same pathology, it's not about you. It's about them and what they need to work on. I would think that would make it slightly easier to accept, although I know letting go of the times that they were wonderful is so hard. Good luck in your interview today!! Post when you can and let us know how it went. Does your ex know about this interview and possible new position?

 

@LauraXX, that does sound like a bummer. To be honest, I don't like this guy. From what you're saying about him, anyway. I know I'm only getting a small snapshot of him, but I don't like that he is fine with you doing all the work of driving to see him, changing your schedule, and then not being very nice to you after you do all that. I'm glad you are going to be seeing the young guy, even if it's just a distraction right now. Did you meet this new guy on Tinder? I'm still on Hinge and meeting some other guys on there, but no additional dates have materialized as of yet. A lot of guys seem content to just text back and forth forever and I have no patience for that. I feel like if you see someone you like, you should meet them pretty early and figure out if you have chemistry. Let us know how things with the young guy go...

 

I'm seeing my therapist this morning to talk about my trip. I've made a list of times that I'll need to think about my actions. I got an email yesterday asking me to speak at a big conference while we are there and I am terrified. I do a lot of speaking, but this seems like a pretty big deal so it's super intimidating. I also get anxious when thinking about speaking in front of my ex. He has always been respectful of my work and intelligence and would talk about me and my work to his colleagues, so it's not that, it's just thinking of getting up and talking in front of this huge group with him sitting there. I've always had a bit of imposter syndrome and this is probably not helping. So something else to work on...

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

It is easier to accept that it’s definitely about him and yet harder to accept why I put up with it for so long. I responded last night before bed and just said “sorry to hear that. That sucks. Hopefully it’s taken care of now”. I didn’t expect a reply and I didn’t get one. I responded because I’m not going to act like a child and ignore him but I definitely needed to send the message that things are not the same (I am not replying right away and encouraging continued texts back and forth by asking about his weekend etc). So I feel good about my reply and am hopeful that the hint was taken. Part of me thinks I won’t hear from him again. I’m sure you probably disagree but I can’t explain how different our communication is at this point. To be honest, it doesn’t feel like he wants to be in contact with me anymore either and may have just texted that yesterday just so I wouldn’t be “mad” that he had stopped communicating again. Since we work together I think he probably feels like he has to hedge his bets and not just drop off again. He doesn’t realize that I’m past that point and have no energy left to be mad or feel anything else other than sadness and rejection which will keep me away. Today I feel ok. A little ashamed of myself but ok.

 

Yes he is well aware of me applying for the position. It would be a position lateral to him. Even though it is lateral it would mean we would work together less. I might see him around the office and at meetings but it would be in passing as opposed to having to communicate with him about cases in common. Also, it’s a pay raise for me so that’s good too. I just need to keep moving forward in my thinking. Even though it’s been a slower process than I would like I’m getting there and that’s the most important thing.

 

I’m glad your date went well in some ways. I think if you want to take it slow then that’s what you should do. I’m sure it feels good to know he wants to see you again even if it doesn’t go anywhere in the end. It gives you the experience of dating again and builds confidence too . I think you’re moving on nicely!!!

 

I forgot to reply about the JT situation. It is nowhere near your fault for him not going on this trip. That is all on him. Like Laura said, if anyone feels differently then that says WAY more about them than you.

 

I’m looking forward to hearing what your therapist says about planning for the trip. I think it’s fantastic that you will get to speak there. Wish I could hear it!!!

 

 

@Laura

 

I’m so sorry your weekend ended up that way. I’m sure in some ways it makes it easier to move on but what a jack@ass. I don’t like him either. You sound like someone I would want to be friends with in real life (as does Nola) so it’s really his loss if he doesn’t see how cool and great you are. What a prick. What is your plan moving forward? Are you going to communicate with him anymore or just ignore him? I’m glad you have someone else to distract you but I still know it had to be hurtful over the weekend .

 

 

I also look forward to seeing replies on this thread. It keeps me moving forward at a reasonable pace instead of wallowing lol!

[CPpanther]

You all have made me feel a lot better about meeting this new guy I guess I just felt guilty for potentially being interested in a man after only 2.5 months, but we are going out on wednesday or thursday!

 

@nolanola

Your post reminded me of this quote 'If you worry so much about things that might happen, you are putting yourself through it twice'. I realise that is way easier said than done though and I completely understand you are stressed out. I love the idea of making sure you will be looking great, it will make you feel more confident.

 

About the perhaps overanalysing your new date, I can so relate to this although I think I am doing it the other way around. I get more excited about someone when I realise they do not have the issues my ex had. My ex took ages to be sure about me and this new guy asked me for my number, asked me out on a date, and is basically chasing me like I had to do for my ex and this change is making me so happy. Overall, I don't think it's a bad thing to compare and be cautious. I do think we learn from past relationships about what we do or do not want.

The comment about the table doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but if you are bothered by him being annoyed/not asking for another table if he wasn't satisfied with this one/something else you would have preferred, that is a very personal thing of course.

[LauraXX]

@LauraXX, that does sound like a bummer. To be honest, I don't like this guy. From what you're saying about him, anyway. I know I'm only getting a small snapshot of him, but I don't like that he is fine with you doing all the work of driving to see him, changing your schedule, and then not being very nice to you after you do all that. I'm glad you are going to be seeing the young guy, even if it's just a distraction right now. Did you meet this new guy on Tinder? I'm still on Hinge and meeting some other guys on there, but no additional dates have materialized as of yet. A lot of guys seem content to just text back and forth forever and I have no patience for that. I feel like if you see someone you like, you should meet them pretty early and figure out if you have chemistry. Let us know how things with the young guy go...

 

 

Well, tbh, I didn't even tell him that I had plans on Friday. He just asked me if that day would work as well and I decided to cancel the party and said yes. Still haven't heard from him after the weekend btw. But the good news is: After spending the majority of the past 12 months analyzing his behaviour and interpreting his messages, I think I've finally had enough. I've said that several times before and even broke up with him for that reason, but I didn't really feel it.... it just seemed necessary. But right now I'm at point where I honestly don't want to deal with his bs anymore.

 

 

 

Yes, met the young guy on Tinder. I always try to meet the guys asap. I agree that it doesn't make much sense to do the endless texting thing only to find out that there's no chemistry at all.

We met for dinner yesterday and he stayed the night. But I'm still quite sure that it's strictly FWB for him. That's ok though. I just have to be careful not to catch feelings.

[LauraXX]

@Laura

 

I’m so sorry your weekend ended up that way. I’m sure in some ways it makes it easier to move on but what a jack@ass. I don’t like him either. You sound like someone I would want to be friends with in real life (as does Nola) so it’s really his loss if he doesn’t see how cool and great you are. What a prick. What is your plan moving forward? Are you going to communicate with him anymore or just ignore him? I’m glad you have someone else to distract you but I still know it had to be hurtful over the weekend .

 

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I don't have a plan. My gut feeling tells me that I won't hear from him anytime soon. And I will definitely not get in touch with him either. But if he does...hm, I'd probably send a polite reply but I don't think that I'd be willing to do another weekend together. I'm glad to have finally reached the point where I feel quite indifferent about the whole situation. I'm SO tired of constantly thinking about him and his messages and my reaction to his messages and so on. I just don't want to do that anymore.

 

 

 

Yeah, young guy is a nice distraction. I just have to be careful to protect my feelings a bit and not to fall for the next guy who isn't right for me.

[nolanola]

@TooMuch2Ask, why do you feel ashamed of yourself? I don't think you should. From an outsider's perspective it sounds like you're handling yourself pretty well. I know I don't know all of the details, but I think the way you're dealing with him, considering you have to see him all the time, is pretty amazing. The thought of having to see my ex in a day to day kind of context makes me want to throw up. So to hold your head high and not let that interfere with your work is pretty amazing, in my opinion. Perhaps your situation is a little bit like LauraXX's: a slow dissolution of feelings rather than a huge sudden split.

 

How did the interview go? Having some work successes is so much easier to control than our love lives. I know if I work hard and put in the effort, I will see results. Unfortunately you can't work your way into a successful love life, or at least I've never been able to.

 

LauraXX, maybe you've found a way to have kind of a "mutual" breakup? I feel pretty confident that both you and TooMuch2Ask will hear from your exes again, but hopefully it will be after enough time that you will be able to move on more and more. That's great about the young guy! I say go for it! I've never been able to do that for myself (I'm kind of a prude for myself) but I definitely don't judge. As they say (and TooMuch2Ask mentioned) the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

 

Just wondering...how do you do that without catching feelings? I find that when I get intimate with someone, that is basically the point of no return -- I'm going to start having feelings for them. I'm very determined from now on to only pass that point once I know that the relationship is going somewhere.

 

I think there is something wrong with me when it comes to available men. When I first met marathon guy a few weeks ago, I liked him and felt very comfortable with him. I didn't think about my ex at all when I was with him. I was feeling excited about the possibility. But then he started texting me almost every day. Nothing too crazy, just "hope your day was good" and that kind of thing. But it was very obvious that he liked me. Now I find myself losing interest in him. When we went out for the second time on Sunday, I found myself wondering if he was going to try to kiss me and hoping that he wouldn't. That can't be good with someone that you're thinking about dating.

 

I wonder why having someone show interest in me would be a turn off. Do I only want men that I can't have or that are mysterious and emotionally unavailable? The first man I loved was kind of that way. I would say he was more in love with me than I was with him. He never, ever made me doubt that he was into me, wanted to be with me, and wanted long term commitment (we were engaged at one point). But I lost my sexual attraction to him over time and I wonder if that was caused it? Because he was so available? Because I could have married him and had a wonderful life - we were best friends and so compatible. We had a great time together. But I didn't want to have sex with him. Is that going to be my trade off? Find someone that makes my heart jump but isn't available or find someone that I love to hang out with but is lacking the spark?

 

I'm going to keep seeing the marathon guy and see what happens. Maybe my feelings will change. I am trying to keep things very slow at this point. He had asked to see me this week but I told him I wasn't available (a slight exaggeration) because I thought that was too much. Or maybe I just wasn't ready after my ex? It really annoys me that my ex was able to jump into something pretty easily. Although as several people have noted, I don't know the real truth of their relationship, just what she posts online, in my head he was able to find someone that he's compatible with in so many ways so quickly. And I'm still struggling along. And that sucks.

 

I remember after my toxic ex, it took me SO long to move on and be ready to date again and then even longer to find someone I wanted to date. Meanwhile, he dated several people. It just seemed to be easier for him, but I don't know that he really worked on his issues a whole lot while he was dating all those other women. After some time, I was able to see that and to be ok with him dating a bunch of people because I knew he was still the same guy underneath. I haven't gotten there with my more recent ex, because I keep worrying I'm going to hear all of a sudden that they're engaged or something.

[TooMuch2Ask]

Thanks, I really appreciate that. I don't have a plan. My gut feeling tells me that I won't hear from him anytime soon. And I will definitely not get in touch with him either. But if he does...hm, I'd probably send a polite reply but I don't think that I'd be willing to do another weekend together. I'm glad to have finally reached the point where I feel quite indifferent about the whole situation. I'm SO tired of constantly thinking about him and his messages and my reaction to his messages and so on. I just don't want to do that anymore.

 

 

 

Yeah, young guy is a nice distraction. I just have to be careful to protect my feelings a bit and not to fall for the next guy who isn't right for me.

 

 

 

 

I agree with nola - I think you will definitely hear from him again. I hope it's after you've met someone and you can tell him to shove off lol!!! I have a hard time protecting my feelings once sexual intimacy begins also. I sometimes wish I could turn that off and on but I can't unfortunately. I'm jealous that you're able to do it though! I say go for it especially if you can manage your feelings!

 

 

@TooMuch2Ask, why do you feel ashamed of yourself? I don't think you should. From an outsider's perspective it sounds like you're handling yourself pretty well. I know I don't know all of the details, but I think the way you're dealing with him, considering you have to see him all the time, is pretty amazing. The thought of having to see my ex in a day to day kind of context makes me want to throw up. So to hold your head high and not let that interfere with your work is pretty amazing, in my opinion. Perhaps your situation is a little bit like LauraXX's: a slow dissolution of feelings rather than a huge sudden split.

 

How did the interview go? Having some work successes is so much easier to control than our love lives. I know if I work hard and put in the effort, I will see results. Unfortunately you can't work your way into a successful love life, or at least I've never been able to.

 

 

I guess I feel ashamed because I should be over him by now. I feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace and it makes me feel ashamed and weak. I've never told him to let me go and allow me to move on before - it's always been the push/pull from him with me saying what I can and can't deal with. I finally told him last night that I just can't do this anymore at all (I guess before I was just doing the slow fade which we all knew wasn't going to work for me in the end). It was an emotional conversation on both ends. We talked about how timing and other factors are in the way of us being in a real relationship. I think he was genuinely surprised and hurt that I brought it up and told him that I needed time and space away from him to move on. I do wish I would have met him earlier before both of us had so much baggage. He told me 2 weeks ago that he's really depressed because he works so much, doesn't have time for a life, and due to how many hours he works also doesn't have time for his kids - but feels trapped because of his financial situation. It's so hard for me to walk away from someone when they're hurting but I'm hurting too. Doing this with him when my basic needs aren't being met is killing me. It's sad. I can't imagine him not being in my life at all but I just have to find a way to move on - at least until I can look at him and not feel like I just want him to hold me. I'm getting there. I've been very, very sad all day. Literally either crying or on the verge of tears all day long. That's likely because I know it's really over and I can't take back all of the things I said to him last night. Thanks for the words of encouragement - it definitely makes me feel better because there are times when I feel as if I should be over this by now.

 

 

The interview went very well!! My supervisor said I did excellent. I should know within 2 weeks but it looks promising. I am really looking forward to it. It will be a lot more responsibility than I have now which will be great for my brain - keep me occupied. I just really need to keep myself busy both personally and professionally.

 

 

 

 

So in regards to what you said about not being attracted to available men... there may be something to that. Or it could just be that you aren't ready to be attached to someone right now. I definitely think it is something to bring up in your therapy sessions. If you are seeing a pattern with some of your choices then it is worth taking a look at. Maybe the new guy just doesn't do it for you though. It could be that you were so relieved and excited to be attracted to someone new since your ex that you overlooked a few things the first date that ended up bothering you after that. I have done that before.... been out on many terrible dates and then became so relieved once I met someone normal and decent that I overlooked a few things. I ended up noticing them after the second or third date. Do you think that's possible? I agree with you about going out a few more times. I know you want to take it slow but it probably isn't the best sign that you put him off until next week to see him again. That being said, this is your journey and you started dating again to put yourself out there and get your feet wet following the break up so I think taking it slow is the right choice until you decide you want to move faster.

[LauraXX]

Just wondering...how do you do that without catching feelings? I find that when I get intimate with someone, that is basically the point of no return -- I'm going to start having feelings for them. I'm very determined from now on to only pass that point once I know that the relationship is going somewhere.

 

I don't know, it's the first time for me as well. I've never had a FWB and always thought it would be impossible for me to do that for the exact same reason. I tend to catch feelings any guy I become intimate with. I think with young guy it had something to do with the circumstances. I was still obsessed with my ex when I met him. And right after I had sex with him for the very first time my ex started to contact me again, almost as if he had sensed that I had met someone new. So I somehow managed to establish that FWB thing with him without actually falling in love. I just have the feeling that it's going to be much more difficult now when my ex won't be in the picture anymore.

 

I wonder why having someone show interest in me would be a turn off. Do I only want men that I can't have or that are mysterious and emotionally unavailable?

 

I think that's completely normal. Unhealthy, but normal It has been like that for me for a very long time and in a way it's still the case. I quite enjoy it when a man seems very interested in me in the early dating stage. If he starts to pull away then, that makes him even more attractive. It makes me think about all the other options he probably has, wonder about his true intentions with me etc. and that's somehow more intriguing than somebody who is an open book and always available. That sounds so bad, right?

[LauraXX]

The interview went very well!! My supervisor said I did excellent. I should know within 2 weeks but it looks promising. I am really looking forward to it. It will be a lot more responsibility than I have now which will be great for my brain - keep me occupied. I just really need to keep myself busy both personally and professionally.

 

 

Yay, sounds great! I'm not saying congratulations just yet, but well done

[CPpanther]

Ugh I am going on a date with new guy this afternoon and I am really excited about him, but right now I am still in bed feeling sad about my ex. On the one hand, I think this is really bad, because it makes me feel like I am doing the whole dating thing WAY too soon. On the other hand, it may be a good thing that I am not fully covering up my sadness over the breakup with this new guy so at least I am still working on getting over the ex. I don't know, it feels weird.

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, you have to go with what feels best for you. I’m typing on my tablet instead of my laptop so I can’t write a lot right now but I don’t think there’s a “right” or a “wrong” way of getting better. Likewise, when you decide to date again is based on what feels best for you. One of the key things for me is whether I thought about my ex a lot when I was on the date. I used that as a guide.

 

I definitely think you can wait too long to start dating too. Dating, and feeling pretty and attractive to men again, can really help in healing. But you want to be cautious that you don’t get into a messy situation with someone that likes you a lot more than you like them. Or that wants more than you do. Do you think having a general conversation about the fact that you’re pretty fresh out of a breakup would help?

 

I’ve been having a rough few days but hopefully will get better. Will write more when I can get to my laptop.

 

Let us know how the date goes!!

[nolanola]

Now that I can actually write instead of peck...I hope your date went well @CPpanther. I think the thing when you start with someone new is just the weirdness of being with someone that is not your ex. The comparing them to your ex. I worry about moving on too soon as well. Especially since, for me, I am feeling unsure about the new guy I'm seeing. He's a nice guy and we have some things in common, but that "thing" definitely isn't there. I find myself comparing him to my ex a lot. Not on the date, but in the in-between times.

 

I was able to talk to one of my friends today about Mr. B (my ex). She is going on the trip with us in a few weeks. I told her about the new guy I was seeing about how I felt about him. I said something about how I was wishing that I could rub my ex's nose in it when we're on our trip and she said she would "casually" bring it up. I'm not sure I was serious about all that but it would be nice to let him know that I am seeing other people. Although, sometimes I think that all this time and effort I spend in thinking about what he will or won't think about me is effort that I could be using to move on in my own life.

 

Today is one of those days that I just wish things hadn't turned out how they had turned out. That I had walked away when it was clear that he couldn't be what I wanted him to be. It would have been hard and it would have hurt, but not as much as this has hurt. And maybe then we could have wound up as friends someday, but now I can't see how that could be. Just feel sad about that.

[Twizzlestick]

Eh up all. I’ve been absent from here for a while. I tried to take a step back from looking at ex videos and forums to see how I faired. How’s the gang all doing?

 

I’ve been working hard last few weeks at work which has not been the pleasant distraction the books say it will be. Quite the opposite it’s just made it harder . We all roll differently and I’m not an easily distracted from my problems type. For the last 2 months I’ve been in some sort of weird denial. The problem shelved mentally. I think my noggin has been going “ah it’ll pan out stay NC”

 

It’s been 8 weeks NC since I left Ireland and the feelings came back this last week like day 1. I was away with work which is mega lonely. It’s her 30th birthday today and find myself wracked with indecision to text happy birthday or not. She’s not contacted me since I left Ireland after our last chat. I knew she wouldn’t as she said she doesn’t call me as I don’t want to be mates.

 

The only thing that keeps circling is she thinks I’m in a big mood and that’s why I’m not reaching out. But I know the best that will come of it is thanks hope you’re well type thing. My motives would be purely not wanting to increase the tension and reduce the chance of her contacting me. Bloody birthdays

 

So no news on my front really. Got some kite surfing lessons coming up which was one of the activities I promised myself I’d try. Can’t say I feel mega motivated to do anything at the moment but I’m plodding on in limbo

 

Hope alls well and I’m going to read through the pages on this thread to catch up.

[Beachead]

Good to hear from you man and I'm also glad to hear you've taking care of yourself and maintaining NC.

 

In the beginning we, our moves are for them..to show them how we're happy. Hoping they might be jealous or they might think twice about their decision and come running back into our arms. I know the story. But in the back of your mind, where you really want to get to is genuinely making those moves for YOU. In doing so, you'd have to let go and embrace a future without her and believe you're going to be more than okay. You're going to be just fine. That's the goal...and it does take time

 

I do want to say congratulations on making it to 8 weeks though. I also know what that number means. Believe it or not though, 8 weeks is still fresh in the grand scheme of your healing but I know it doesn't feel like like that though. It probably felt like an eternity because everyday it was probably a lot of hard work and pain. I bet you were tempted to reach out many times.

 

And that struggle is why it's so important to remember that if she ever contacts you, don't just let her back in. You carry some kind of hope in your heart which makes you vulnerable which is what exes use to sneak their way back in..and they could all that progress to zero. It's the worst feeling ever. I don't want you to have hope that she'll come back into your arms because most exes don't and if they do, there is an insincerity about it. But I want you to be ready. Be careful.

 

All in all, great work man. Keep going.

 

- Beach

Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[TooMuch2Ask]

8 weeks is fantastic!! That's a great accomplishment. When I first came on this site I read through the entire thread so I remember your posts. In my opinion, I don't think you should wish her a happy birthday. I know it sucks to not recognize someone's special day but I don't think it will be good for you. You may text it and not get a response and I think that will just set you back. Also, you didn't want to be friends after the break up because you knew it wasn't good for you and would be detrimental to your recovery. Friends wish each other a happy birthday. I think you should send her birthday wishes silently with good, positive vibes and leave it at that. I know it's easier said than done though.... let me know what you decided to do. I can't remember how long your relationship lasted but the process isn't linear and just takes a while. Stay the NC course though!!!

Edited April 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[TooMuch2Ask]

Now that I can actually write instead of peck...

 

 

It's funny that your friend brought up mentioning the guy you're dating in your ex's presence. I came close to suggesting that you ask her to do this in one of my posts last week but I didn't because I wasn't sure how close you were and how much she knew of the situation so I didn't mention it. I know you want to be at the point where you are totally over him and have moved on because then you wouldn't necessarily need your friend to mention the new guy. At the same time I think that's just a normal thing to want/need no matter how long you've been broken up. In your situation, you had to give yourself closure because you never really had that final conversation with him where he admitted things, talked it through, etc. so that makes a difference too (in my opinion).

 

 

I know you're sad about not being able to be friends with your ex but I wonder how good of a friend he would have ever been. He wasn't able to be a friend to you and think of your needs above his during the relationship so I'm not sure he would have been a good friend even if you had ended it sooner. I also wonder if you would have been able to be friends out in the open anyway given his "situation". How would you have handled being friends with him if he were seeing someone else? I'm just throwing these things out there so you don't go down the path of "if only I had done this" or "if only I had done that sooner we would be in this place".

 

 

I've been in the second part of the training I was in a few weeks ago so I haven't seen my ex since Monday. We haven't been in contact since Tuesday (when we were finishing up our conversation from Monday about me needing time and space to get over him so I can move on). I've had good moments and then moments of angst where I feel that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have never told him before that I couldn't handle the roller coaster with him anymore and that I needed him to let me go until this past Monday. He knows I want to be in a long term relationship and eventually get married again. He talked about wishing we had met sooner (or maybe even later after he had his **** together). He has said that he isn't in the place to get married again or even be in a committed relationship so that contributes to his hot/cold behavior because he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe parts of that and I also think the push/pull comes from his own selfishness. So I think right now I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't think we will be in contact again other than work related things. I don't think he will try to engage in that way with me again after seeing how upset I was Monday. Right now I'm just trying to sit on my hands and not reach out to him when I'm hurting. I know that these types of relationships are compared to addictions so I'm trying to abstain from the pull of contacting him to get validation regarding his feelings for me, etc. I've wanted to text to tell him I miss him several times. I haven't but I've wanted to. It's been much harder this time around because I think it's truly over now. I'm looking forward to how I will feel a month from now, 3 months from now, and on and on. I'm trying to focus on that instead of how much it hurts right now.

 

 

How has the rest of your week been?

Edited April 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

@Twizzlestick

 

Forgot to address this. Don't wish her Happy Birthday. You don't owe her anything. She knows you care. She knows you have hope and feelings. She pretends not to.

 

You'll just a get a "Thanks" or some other short, dry response and I guarantee it'll make you feel even worse, because you were hoping for more. For heartbroken folk like us, occasions like this are the toughest because our hope and our feelings twist our minds up. We start to fear that if we don't contact them, we'll lose them. They're already gone though..but we're not ready to accept that. We're addicts in withdrawal desperately seeking only drug that can fix the pain..which is them. So we'll look for any excuse or reason to keep them in our life and we'll even deceive ourselves to do it.

 

You want to be with her and that is the ONE thing that's not going to happen. You know this. It's why you're stuck in this mess now, grieving. Suffering everyday.

 

Don't fool yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited April 5, 2019 by Beachead

[Twizzlestick]

@Twizzlestick

 

Forgot to address this..

 

- Beach

 

Cheers Beach

 

I know realistically reconciliation is not on the cards. But you don’t think I’m further damaging any slim chances by ignoring her birthday? She made a right big deal of this one as it’s her 30th. I can honestly my only motives would be that. I actually prefer to stay NC as I kind of don’t want to bust it. As it stands I’m not going to, but this happened to me before when I bust NC. We all know what it’s like when the chimp gets hold of the controls

 

Re your other reply. Thanks man. 8 weeks has been tough. But as I hinted at a lot of that I’ve been in a weird denial where my brain has just shelved the thing as “a lot of silly nonsense that she’ll come round in the summer”. Prob just a coping thing to deal with work. So I’ve not actually been processing it properly. It came back this week though. I have had moments where I’ve nearly cracked. This week the worse in 8 weeks.

 

Toomuchtoask-

 

Cheers for that! Yeah she kind of was pretty annoyed I didn’t want to be friends back in the new year. She genuinely meant it. I think her motives were entirely making it easy for herself. I tried contact for a few weeks, broke NC and it was just the same same so went NC the day I left Ireland. Figured she hadn’t had the gift of missing me and also I was going mental listening to her hardened resolve laced with chatty crap about stuff in her life I was locked out of.

 

Good to hear from you folks! I’ll get back-reading to catch up on what’s been happening.

[Beachead]

@Twizzlestick

 

Denial is okay. It's normal. Usually after that initial shock wears off from the blow of the break up, we feel completely paralyzed by the pain yea? Can't eat, can't think. Can't sleep at night yet it's all you want to do during the day.

 

The reason that happens is to preserve our sanity and what little strength we have left. It's a subconscious self-preservation coping mechanism. While we sit in that denial or numbness, we rebuild strength. At some point when we are ready, we eventually come to realize the denial fading and reality emerging again. That's usually the point we face our fears that they may never come back. Thoughts of holding on and letting go battle it out in a war. The more stubborn you are, the longer that war draws out. At some point you will become so exhausted thinking about it, it'll begin to feel less exhausting to let go than to continue holding on. Holing on will no longer make sense. That's when you'll let go.

 

I can't give you timelines but that's how I found my healing process to be.

 

- Beach

Edited April 5, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

@Twizzlestick, I would agree with everyone else: do NOT text her happy birthday. It's perfectly ok for you to be a little selfish in this instance. Think about what is best for you and not what she might want or how she might react. Worst case scenario, you text her and she doesn't respond right away or at all. How much would that set you back? Probably a lot. Or if you text her and she says "Thanks!" or something else blah, it might feel good for a few minutes, but I promise you it will start to feel like giving up your power after a day or two when you go back to the same reality: you guys are broken up and she is doing who knows what.

 

If you want a good way to talk yourself out of texting her, think of it this way: imagine what she will think when she doesn't hear from you. She will probably start to wonder why not. Have you moved on? Met someone else? Lost interest in her? Forgot about her? Let her wonder. Up until now, she has had all the power because she knows you want her back and she's out doing what she wants while knowing you're still there. So she has no motivation at all to want to get back together with you. Take some of the power back by continuing to move on without her.

 

I know how much it sucks. Trust me. It was really hard for me not to reach out to my ex at Christmas or NYE. But I have to accept the reality that he is with someone else and has chosen not to have a relationship with me. And me sending him a text at Christmas is not going to make him say "She's the one I want to be with!". It's just a way for me to try to keep as close to him as I can because letting go of him is so scary. You're making great progress!! Keep going, it does get better I promise. It still sucks sometimes for me, but the better days are outweighing the sad days now.

 

@TooMuch2Ask, I actually didn't even ask my friend, she just thought of that on her own. She is kind of brash and loud, so it would not surprise me in the least if she did something like that. She used to really like him and think very highly of him before all this, so I think she is hurt on my behalf! She knows basically everything that happened between us. Last year, when we were there and he was being kind of distant, we were all sitting on the patio and I was texting her from across the table about my ex (who was sitting right there). She's a very strong personality and has good boundaries so I respect her opinion. One of the other women that I would usually hang out with a lot on our trip can't be there this year and I think I'm nervous about how everything will go. My friend and I (the loud one) are having dinner a few days before we leave for our trip to discuss strategy, in addition to the work I'm doing with my therapist.

 

I think I just feel like I wished I had taken some space in my situation to try to let go of everything. I think it would have been very, very hard to be "friends" with him -- that was kind of what we were trying to do over the past 2 years. It was just every time I would say that I thought we should be friends or whatever, he would back off for a few weeks and then come back. I didn't want to lose him out of my life so I continued to answer him and see him from time to time. I think I feel really foolish that I loved him so much and thought he was so wonderful and now I worry that I never meant anything to him. And when I told him how I felt he thought that was weird because in his mind we were FWB or something. That is part about seeing him again that terrifies me: feeling like a fool and knowing that he has someone new now.

 

I relate to what you said so much. Our exes are SO similar. I think you are 100% doing the right thing, even though it feels like the wrong thing. This guy might love you, but he just can't be what you want him to be and there is no telling when he might get there. It could be in a month or he might still be undecided in a year. And I admire you for knowing what you want, realizing he can't be it, and acting accordingly. That is so, so, so hard. The other thing too is that by walking away and basically saying that you deserve more, you are leaving with the best impression possible. I think I read something somewhere where the person was talking about the amazing women from history, like Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, and some other ones I can't remember. The person was saying, don't be a doormat or a pushover, be THAT woman. Be the one that stands up for herself, has boundaries, and doesn't let a man treat her like an option. No body sits around and pines over a doormat that let them be strung along by a man who couldn't commit for 5 years. It's the ones that love themselves and walk away with their heads held high that are memorable.

 

I know that isn't perfect and doesn't make everything perfect, but I hope it gives you some resolve to keep your head up. Helps me sometimes.

[Endnote]

@Twizzlestick don't do it man! It's a trap! Don't fall into this thinking of "if I don't do this she'll be hurt or forget about me." That just doesn't happen man. Dumper or dumpee, people do not forget their exes. That doesn't mean they're gonna wanna reconcile, it just means that people you date remember you. Hell I imagine if my ex-wife were still alive and we ran into each other we would probably both say "I thought of you every day." And then proceed to argue because we only thought of each other because of bad sh*t. That said, I still think of her every day (and that was 8 years ago that she died) but not because I want to think about her.

 

 

@Beachead always good to see you on here.

 

 

@nolanola seeing as how you're the focal point of this thread, I hope that your trip goes well. I leave for the Middle East and Africa in two weeks for a well deserved vacation. My dad and I are going so it's going to be low drama and fun. I think you're situation with your ex is nerve-wracking for sure, but if I were in your position I would use it to showcase my best self. Unlike texting or phone calls if your ex comes up to you at this trip I think ignoring (or inversely, being uncivil to) him would let him know you're still hurt. Don't forget that you deserve better, and I think if he tried to pry one bit you should tell him your dating someone (since dating is a vague term and doesn't necessary mean you're exclusive with someone, in this case maybe texts too much marathon guy) and leave it at that. Based on how you described your ex he doesn't seem like he'd do that but you never know.

 

 

On a different note altogether (for those here that know my story already), my ex texted me again (and paid me some more money that she owes) and asked about when she could expect to get her stuff back. That's a fair question on her part, as I haven't made clear to her that I expect the money she owes before I'll give her a second of my time to get her things to her. That said, I didn't respond yet because I didn't quite know what to say though I'm planning on just saying "sometime soon" to her. I feel like if I asked her to give me the money she might use it to say that I'm extorting her. Or she might say she doesn't owe me anymore than she's paid. There's a couple of reasons why I think this that I won't get into, but more importantly it's speculation on my own part, so I really don't have much to go off of (mainly the fact that she's taken two months to get money to me that she likely has available). Keeping her stuff is not in my interest but getting my money back is, and the only way to due that is to use her stuff as collateral without telling her that, hah! Am I wrong in being ambiguous about my time? Is it manipulative of me to not even address her things on my possession? It seems like it is even though most of the people in my inner circle think I'm doing the right thing in getting back what I am rightfully owed. I've been doing this for nearly 8 months and my ex has contacted me twice for this reason only, so it seems to me all that's left of our relationship is business. Guess that keeps NC simple though. Any input would be appreciated.

[nolanola]

@Twizzlestick don't do it man! It's a trap! Don't fall into this thinking of "if I don't do this she'll be hurt or forget about me." That just doesn't happen man. Dumper or dumpee, people do not forget their exes. That doesn't mean they're gonna wanna reconcile, it just means that people you date remember you. Hell I imagine if my ex-wife were still alive and we ran into each other we would probably both say "I thought of you every day." And then proceed to argue because we only thought of each other because of bad sh*t. That said, I still think of her every day (and that was 8 years ago that she died) but not because I want to think about her.

 

This x 1000!!! I think it's super natural to worry that our exes will forget us. I know I have this thought all the time, but it's not rooted in reality. If that person had any meaning in our lives, meaning that they were in it for more than a few days or weeks, then it's likely we had meaning in their life as well. My Dad told me once he still remembers women he dated in high school -- that was 50 years ago!!

 

@Endnote, how would you approach this situation with your ex if it was with someone you had no emotional attachment to whatsoever? If it was someone you had a business deal with or something? Or maybe a casual friend or distant family member? I think you would advocate for yourself and your best interest. Which, in this case, means getting your money from your ex. I think you could say that you appreciate her paying you what she has paid to this point. Then you can say that you'll be happy to return her belongings once she has finished paying you back. You can probably dress that up a little bit with some niceties so it doesn't seem so harsh, but I think you should stick to your guns here. She owes you money. I suspect that you think that she will stop paying if you give her her things back, am I right? I think your only other option is to give her her things back and accept that she may not pay you back the rest of the way.

 

Just out of curiosity, why do you think that she is dragging her feet? Like you said, it doesn't seem like it's SO much money that she doesn't have it. Do you think she's being spiteful or just hoping you'll forget? If she's being spiteful, then I think that says something about her character and you have NO obligation to entertain being nice. I don't like anyone to be angry with me and I don't like conflict so I tend to avoid it and try to make nice with most people, but I am also trying to learn how to stand up for myself in a mature and respectful way.

 

I appreciate your thoughts on my situation. What you described is exactly what I am going to try to do. I wish he and I could be friends, but I just don't know if I'm ready to forgive him yet or to accept that that's all there is left between us. And I'm not really sure he actually wants to be friends. It sucks to have someone in your life for so many years and then be stressed out about having to interact with them due to worries that they will be angry with you or something. I used to look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Now it just gives me heartburn. My schedule between now and then (April 25) is crazy busy, which is a good thing.

 

That's so cool about your trip!! I hope you have a great time and enjoy time with your Dad.

[Beachead]

I agree. Exes don't forget us.

 

I remember all people I've shared a connect with in my past. Especially the ones I've had relationships with including flings and females that rejected me. Females I rejected. Friendships, classmates or workmates. It's memories and at some point, that time spent with them meant something to me. So the ones that broke our hearts must remember us as well. Whether it's enough to manifest them back into our lives is an entirely different matter. That is something that is solely up to them and completely out of our control.

 

Also something about birthdays..it's the one day you can expect your ex will remember you and expect to hear from you if that breakup is fresh. By not wishing them..you will catch their attention and teach them the reality of their decision. Again..whether that manifests into them coming back, I don't know. But I do know they'll notice.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. Good to hear from you Endnote

Edited April 6, 2019 by Beachead

[Endnote]

@nolanola, thank you for the response. It is possible my ex is being spiteful, though she never was while we were together. She, like me, is also very non-confrontational. She may be resentful that I haven't offered to give her things back freely and easily and have held on to them this long (which isn't what I want anyhow, I sure didn't ask for her to leave things she was going to want back when she moved out, especially the stuff she conveniently left here), which would be more understandable if there wasn't the money she owes me. Maybe she thinks I'm holding on to it to keep her around somehow? Certainly that isn't an unfair assumption if I didn't need it as collateral for what I'm owed.

 

I've wanted this stuff gone since I found it. But I wasn't going to give it back without some recourse. You've mentioned that maybe I give her stuff back and take the loss if she doesn't pay me back. I've considered that but I'm still mulling it over. I'm going to see my therapist this Thursday so that's when I plan to get some highly objective advice on the situation. Like I've said before, I'm definitely morally obligated to give these things back, but I have the right to request the rest of what I'm owed. My concerns revolve around the idea that bringing up the money she owes will give her the opportunity to make excuses or play the victim and use that to say she doesn't owe me anything, which I've seen in the past in my own life and in others.

 

My ex-wife stole nearly a grand from our bank account while she was cheating on me and used it to buy a handbag, and many of her friends and the guy she was with told her that she earned it after "the way he treated you." Mind you, this was maybe 2-3 months after I spent nearly a week with my ex-wife in the hospital when she was going through some terrible stuff related to her illness. We had arguments in the relationship but there was never a moment where I treated her with malicious intent. It's a crazy world out there but it has forced me to be more cautious about what I say and do in these kinds of situation. So far, just taking my sweet time and leaving vague responses to my current ex has gotten me over half the money I'm owed. We'll see. Ultimately I want to close this chapter of my life by closing out this unfinished business entirely, not sitting around waiting for her to do the right thing. But waiting around might be the only way I get my money back.

 

@nolanola how is your dad doing? Hope the rest of the weekend is going well.

[nolanola]

@Endnote, I wonder if SHE thinks you're being spiteful? And she's being stubborn in return? Maybe she thinks that you're being spiteful because of the breakup and she's mad about that and being resistant? That might explain why she's dragging her feet. You also mentioned that she might think that she doesn't owe you - any way that she could truly see it this way? Like there is a bit of a gray area on whether it was a loan or a gift?

 

That sucks that you have to even consider the possibility that she might take the angle of playing the victim. Whenever I see stories like the one you wrote about your ex-wife, I'm always amazed at how some women act. Men do things too, so it's not singling any gender out. I guess just as a woman, I can't understand this approach. I can understand being hurt, and I've definitely done some things that were borderline stalker-ish, but I don't think I would do something so spiteful. Or not even spiteful, just without regard for someone else.

 

I think you have to weigh which option brings you the least pain and aggravation. If you give her back her things, that might be the last link to her and the last time you interact with her. In some ways, that might be very freeing for you, even though it would mean forgoing getting your money back. On the other hand, she might surprise you and repay you -- although judging by what you've posted, that seems unlikely. Do you think there is any part of you that is holding on to her things out of either subconscious fear of letting that last connection go or out of spite? Not judging, just wondering.

 

My Dad is doing ok, thanks for asking. He will have a PET scan on the 18th and we will find out if the chemotherapy that he just finished was successful. It has been a very hard time for me. I worry about him constantly. In reality, I think we are just prolonging his life for as long as we can and that this cancer he has now will eventually be the thing that kills him. I'm just hoping it's a while from now, like years instead of months. It's an interesting and very sobering lesson about life in general. Confronting that truth has been horrible for me. I think we all know that our parents won't live forever, but the reality of losing them seems so abstract -- like "someday". Well, now, for me, someday is coming and I don't want to accept it. I hope that these recent treatments will buy us time to be able to spend time together as a family and for him to be as comfortable as he can.