Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[LauraXX]

Still haven’t heard from my ex after that horrible weekend. It’s been 8 days now… I think it’s safe to say that I didn’t just imagine the awkwardness. And it’s ok. It’s such a strange sensation to not have him present in my head all the time. I know I said that before, but I have to say it again because it feels so weird. Even in our NC phase, he was always there, always in the back of my head. And when I left his place last weekend, it really felt like I didn’t just say goodbye to him but also left behind the little version of him that used to live in my brain (or heart).

 

This weekend was almost as strange as the last one though. Just as I suspected, I’m starting to think about YG (young guy) a lot more than I should. We won’t be able to see much of each other in the next two weeks because we’re both travelling and I have my kid on the days when we’re both in town. So, we tried to make it work this weekend and it just didn’t seem to work out. He wanted to come to my place after a birthday party he attended on Fri evening but it got too late and he didn’t show up (and I was disappointed). The next day I visited friends who live more than an hour away and he suddenly called and told me that he “accidentally” ended up in that city as well (he took his motorcycle for a spin). He asked for my friends’ address so he could come over for a coffee. But I couldn’t just invite him to my friends’ place. She knows very well that he’s my FWB and she had her whole family there. It would have been so weird. So, I had to tell him to turn around and drive back home. But I did feel flattered. And surprised (because it has been strictly hook-ups until now and suddenly, he wants to meet my friends?!?) And I was also irritated… it IS a bit inappropriate, right? But, being a chronic overtrinker, I was still worried that I had been too rude.

 

I knew that he had plans for Sunday so I didn’t expect to see him today. But this afternoon (just a few hours ago) my doorbell rang and it was YG. He was on his way to his parents’ and just wanted to stop by, say hello, drink a cup of coffee with me. I somehow suspected that he was hoping for a quick hook-up (because really … that’s pretty much all we’ve been doing until now). But it turned out that he really just had a few minutes and wasn’t even trying to initiate sex or anything like that. So, it’s a nice signal, I guess? But the weird part is yet to come. Suddenly the doorbell rang again and it was my ex-ex and my kid who wanted to pick up some things from her room. So I had to tell them to wait outside and rushed back inside to grab her stuff. So, my kid was all confused (and I felt soooo bad about that). Had to tell YG that it was my ex in front of the door and he must have noticed that I was really stressed out about the situation. My ex texted me a peeved message about me having guys over in the middle of the day a bit later. What a mess – AGAIN!

 

And now I’m spending the evening alone once more… shedding a tear or two, eating take-out in front of my laptop, worrying about having hurt my daughters’ feelings, about my exes’ opinion of me, about young guy’s intentions. It would be so nice to just lean back and see what happens. But I want to be careful. I’m usually a confident person, but in this scenario, I just don’t get what he sees in me. He must have so many options…. Believe me – he’s crazy attractive (like REALLY), he has so much to offer, and he’s 8 years younger than me. What the F*** does he see in me? I feel like I will end up getting hurt anyway if I allow myself to develop feelings for him. So, what’s the point? Sorry for the rant. It’s just one of those evenings I guess ☹

[Endnote]

@Nolanda It is possible my actions convey some spitefulness, though to my credit I haven't said anything to her that would allow her to user my words against me. The money is clearly a loan, and even she knows that. She'd have a hard time convincing anyone that it was a gift, especially since all the texts we have in recent history have made it clear that she owes me money by her own admission. Her actions just indicate that maybe she doesn't plan on giving me the rest. When I speak to my therapist this week, I plan on making the next move, and I hope my therapist can help me formulate the smartest way to do it without being vindictive or manipulative. I honestly think I'm going to ask for the rest of the money and see how she responds before I offer to give her stuff back.

 

Most of the women in my life have played the victim against me at some point, though admittedly I've never been a perfect relationship partner, but I've never taken it to the point where I deserved the treatment I got. Most of them, unfortunately have not grown up in healthy familial environments though. My ex-wife was adopted and her adoptive parents divorced when she was young, and her issues were constantly at the forefront. My recent ex's father passed away in front of her and her family from a heart attack when she was young, and her mother has been a severe alcoholic, a route that my ex also seemed to be taking in the last year of our relationship. These issues crept up here and there, but only came out in small doses that left me wondering about what was really going on in their minds. I hope that in my next relationship these kinds of red flags stick out more like a sore thumb.

 

That really sucks about your dad. Both of my parents are alive, still married, and have minimal health problems in their 60s. I'm very grateful for that. But I know how quickly things can change after the death of my ex so the unfortunate truth about the future is consistently on my mind. I hope that my parents will be around for at least the next 10-20 years but there's no guarantees. Your dad's in my thoughts, hope the weekend went well. Thanks again for your thoughts on my situation.

Edited April 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[nolanola]

@LauraXX, I know those nights. I've had a lot of them. When I have them, I try to remind myself that feelings aren't facts. When we feel a certain way ("I'm lonely" "I'm a mess" "Everyone is mad at me") they can be VERY overwhelming and you can easily talk yourself into the idea that those feelings are the truth. Instead of how you feel in that moment. Believe me, I have been there so many times. Feeling so pathetic and sad about my own situation, feeling like a fool, and convincing myself that this is what everyone else thinks too. Instead of just acknowledging that those feelings are how I feel right now but that they WILL pass and they aren't a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's gotten better for you. I usually find that I feel better in the morning, when the sun is shining and things seem brighter.

 

I think it's great that YG is showing interest in you outside of the bedroom. Just be careful. One of the things that I really want to keep my eyes on is listening to what men tell me early on. I think some men don't want the responsibility of a committed relationship but they enjoy the benefits. And not just sex either. I'm sure they also enjoy companionship, affection, someone to talk to, and so on. But they can do all that and still not consider you to be their girlfriend. I know in my situation, my ex would often act like my boyfriend, but not all the time. Sometimes I would feel that he really cared about me and loved being with me. But he was very clear that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship and I should have listened to his words rather than looking at his actions. He seems to be a good guy though - any ideas why he doesn't want a relationship? Have you talked about it?

 

@Endnote, I didn't mean that you had been spiteful, just that she might be interpreting it that way. What you said about her perhaps being an alcoholic makes more sense. The mind of an addict is a tough thing to understand for those of us who aren't. A lot of people are selfish and only interested in what's best for them, but addicts definitely take it to another level. It can't be easy for her either, although she might not have the insight yet to realize what she's doing to herself. I hope you will be able to break ties with her in one way or another. Addicts bring nothing but misery to everyone around them.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my Dad. It's a constant, constant worry in my mind until he gets his follow up scan. He has a weird thing on his chest that's new and I'm so worried that his cancer is spreading. It's so hard to not be with him to go to his appointments and to make sure everything is getting done like it's supposed to. My brother doesn't feel the same urgency, I don't think and it often falls onto me. Which is kind of weird, as I'm the youngest.

 

In a weird twist of things, marathon guy has been texting less over the past few days and I find myself thinking about him more. I'm so predictable. He went to Vegas on Friday for a work thing and I texted him to wish him a good time. This is the first time I've been the first one to text. He wrote back and we went back and forth for a bit. I didn't hear back on one text for a while and didn't think much of it. Went to bed and saw that he had sent a text late Friday night (Saturday morning), but as it seemed like kind of a wrap up text, I didn't answer. I didn't hear from him the rest of that day or yesterday, so I sent him a text today with a joke about something we had talked about in relationship to his trip. He wrote back and we went back and forth for a bit.

 

What is my problem?! When he pulls away, I find myself being more interested. Ugh. I'm so bad at this. I think he's there until tomorrow, so we'll see what he does from here. This week is extremely rough and busy for hopefully that will be a good distraction.

[LauraXX]

I'm sorry about the situation with your father. My dad had heart surgery last week. It went ok but he has so many other conditions on top of that, that I'm still constantly worried. He's in his 70s now and he's also had Parkinsons for years, so it shouldn't come as a huge surprise that he's starting to decline. But it's still scary and I don't feel prepared at all to deal with that.

 

He seems to be a good guy though - any ideas why he doesn't want a relationship? Have you talked about it?

 

He might be looking for a relationship for all I know. We didn't even talk about it yet. I was still hoping to get back with my ex when I first met him and we ended up in that FWB thing without ever discussing the specifics

 

Anyway, it just seems sooooo unlikely that he'd want a relationship with an older woman who already has a kid. I don't even want to bring it up, because I have the strong feeling that that would be the end of it all. Also, I have to say that it goes both ways.... I may be afraid of the rejection but I'm also not sure that taking this any further would be a good idea. I still don't know him very well and there are several red flags. I think for the moment, it would be best to just keep going and get to know each other a bit better. BUT... after that awkward situation on Sunday I do have the feeling that he's pulling away already. He's texting less and when I called him last night and told him that my event ended earlier than expected and I would be able to meet him for a drink after all, he just said that he felt a bit sick and wanted to stay home. Might be true, but I'm suspecting that he finally realized that he's not dealing with a 20-something without any baggage (like his ex) but with a 40y-old single mom. We'll see

[oceanblue12]

I hope things get better for your Laura

Don't lose hope

[nolanola]

@LauraXX, thanks for that about my Dad. He is everything to me, so it's tough to imagine not having him in my life. He's one of the few people that I feel like I can literally say anything to and he will not judge me. I talked to him today and he sounded pretty good so that brought some light into my heart.

 

I think what you are describing is why I can't do FWB. Before sex is brought into the relationship, I can look at things pretty objectively. If a guy is being a bit distant, I'm sure I would be hurt, but it wouldn't be so upsetting to me. Once sex is introduced I get really wrapped up in what he's thinking or feeling. That said, I'm not judging you AT ALL. Getting over a relationship and the hurt of a breakup is so difficult and I don't judge anyone for how they do that. If you needed to spend some time with a younger man to do that, then I support that.

 

I'm sure the thought of being with a woman with children is daunting for him, but that might not make him not want to be with you at all. I'd say just sit back and see what happens. Give him some space and see if he comes back. I used to think that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was a bunch of crap, but I actually think there is some valuable insights in there. One thing that the author is really big on is that men don't need as much emotional closeness as women do - or at least they need some time to do their own thing after being close to a woman. The author compares it to a rubber band. If you allow too much slack (meaning if you come towards the man when he's not ready for closeness) there's no tension in the band. On the other hand, if you allow them to pull away (take some space), they will snap back when they're ready. Not sure if that's a bunch of hooey or what, but definitely if he's being distant it's best to give him space and let him come to you.

 

Marathon guy and I are making plans to see each other again. I am sort of excited about it, but also kind of anxious too. I want to give this time to see if it's going to grow into something, but I also don't want him to start expecting a big change in our relationship. And I also worry about going on a lot of dates with him and then finding that we aren't compatible. Or that I don't feel it for him. Right now we're trying to set up a time to see each other.

 

I hope you're feeling better about the weekend. I don't see anything wrong with how you acted with your ex ex and your child. You have the right to have a social life. If your ex is mad about that, that's probably about him and how he feels about you dating other men. I know it was awkward as hell, but I don't think you did anything wrong.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

How are things going? I haven't posted in a while - I was out of town and then my son had a car accident that wasn't his fault (he's ok but was sore for a few days and we've been dealing with the insurance companies etc). So I've been super overwhelmed and busy.

 

 

Have you gone back out with marathon guy? How was it? Your trip is coming up soon, how do you feel about it??

 

 

Just wanted to check in

 

 

 

 

 

 

@nola and Laura

 

 

So sorry about both of your fathers. It's so hard when our parents start to get older and have health issues. I hope both of your fathers are doing better.

Edited April 14, 2019 by TooMuch2Ask

[nolanola]

Hi TooMuch2Ask! Was wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear your son is ok.

 

I'm doing ok. Last week was crazy busy, which was probably a good thing. I had one kind of down day but other than that have been feeling pretty upbeat. When I had the really down day, I was really focused on that, but I tried to remind myself that I was having those kind of days multiple times a week a few months ago. And now those types of days are much more rare. My really upbeat days are much more common now. So I think that's progress, even if it's not as fast as I would like.

 

Marathon guy and I have been talking about another day to go out. My schedule last week was terrible so we couldn't work that out. We have been talking about maybe tomorrow, although this hasn't been confirmed. I'm super sensitive about not being so available so it kind of makes me nuts that he hasn't confirmed this.

 

It's so funny. At first, I was kind of put off by his frequent texting and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Then, over the weekend, I didn't hear from him at all. I know he has his daughter on the weekends, so I thought maybe he was just busy. But by this morning, I still hadn't heard anything so I sent him a text. It took him a few hours to reply and I started getting anxious that something was up. Isn't it funny how soon your perspective on these things can change? He answered my text and seemed enthusiastic to hear from me, but didn't say anything about tomorrow. So I still don't know. Sigh.

 

Last week, I was in a really good place about my trip (I leave April 25). My therapist even said my energy about it had totally changed. I was going into it trying to think of it like I did back when I first met my ex. The first year I was there, I was attracted to him and liked him, but he was still married, so I didn't think of him in that way. The second year, I started noticing him more because he was paying a lot more attention to me, but he wasn't THAT important to me. Just another guy in our group. I'd like to try to approach it this year as well. In other words, I will be friendly with him, but I won't treat him as more important or special than anyone else.

 

My therapist and I talked a lot about how I should approach some possible situations with him and I am hoping I can keep my positive headspace until I see him. If he is friendly towards me, that will make it a lot easier. If he isn't, I think it will be a very difficult trip. That's one of the things that I'm most nervous about: how he will act towards me.

 

On Saturday, I was thinking about him a lot for some reason. I still am not 100% sure he will be on our trip. I know in years past (including last year), he has a conference around April that he usually goes to. Last year, the conference was in my city and I remembered it was around the end of March/early April. I wasn't sure when it was and if it overlapped with our trip, so I looked it up. Randomly, it was starting that day (on Saturday). It's in San Diego this year and it immediately made me start thinking that he is there right now with BB. But there was NO way I was going to go to her Facebook to find out. I haven't been on Facebook in about 3 weeks and I think I'm so much happier to not be. But I think that was part of what made me feel bad on Saturday. Just having those thoughts. It seems so easy for him and so hard for me and I hate that. I know it's childish, but that's where I am.

 

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. Have the day off today and am looking forward to an easy day.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

I'm hanging in there! I'm actually better than hanging in there. I feel like a weight has been lifted and it's getting better with every day that passes. I probably feel lighter because the end was inevitable so every day I was in the tornado made me feel anxious. I'm definitely still in the "getting over him" stage but it feels good to move on. It makes it easier that he hasn't tried to contact me or pull me back in. I was very clear that if he truly loved me and cared about me then he would let me go. I'm glad he has kept his word. I've only seen him in passing once in a couple of weeks because I haven't been in the office very much at all. I've been super busy transitioning into my new role. I can't remember if I posted or not but I got the promotion. I officially start in May but am doing both roles a little bit until then. So my mind has been super occupied with that also.

 

 

Did you see marathon guy this week? I know what you mean about hearing from someone vs. not hearing from them. It's all such a ***** show in the beginning when you're trying to figure out what's going on. Ugh. Dating can be so crappy sometimes lol!

 

I'm curious to see if he's going on the trip. I don't think he will be rude to you at all and will likely be nice to you as if nothing has happened. I think he's conflict avoidant based on how he handled the break up so I think he will approach things that way when he sees you. I'll be interested to see what really transpires though. I haven't been on facebook since mid-March and I've loved it. It keeps my mind clear. I will go back on at some point but I just don't feel like it right now.

 

 

@laura

 

 

How are things going with YG? Did you ever end up hearing from your ex?

[LauraXX]

@laura How are things going with YG? Did you ever end up hearing from your ex?

Yay, congratulations on the promotion!

 

No, haven't heard from my ex. But it's fine. I'm relieved that it's over and I don't regret trying to fix things with him at all. If I hadn't done that, I'd probably still be obsessing over him, thinking that he would have been THE ONE etc. I needed that reality check.

 

Things with YG are going well. He didn't text for a few days after the weekend incident and I didn't get in touch with him as well to give him some space. But he did finally call me on Thursday to ask how I was and if I had time to see him etc. I had plans on Thu and Fri and then he went on a trip with some friends, so we couldn't set a date before Monday. I did get a few drunk "in the middle of the night" text messages from him though (saying he'd rather be home with me). One of the messages was a bit ambiguos and I didn't reply because... well... because it was the middle of the night and I wanted to sleep. So he called to apologize and when I mumbled that it was fine (I was half asleep) and that I wasn't mad at him for drunk texting me he said "Phew, thank god...I love you." But he was REALLY drunk and it turned out that he didn't even remember calling me the next day. I don't really think that drunk ramblings mean anything at all.

 

He came back from his trip on Monday and he took me out for dinner that same evening. We wanted to watch GoT later in the evening, but you need a pay TV subscription for that where we live. So he decided to buy one for my place, because he wanted to watch the new season with me anyway and that made more sense than to get the subscription for his place. So...yeah, that was nice.

 

But other than that it still feels a bit superficial. For all I know, he might be dating five other women on the side. And we don't really communicate much in between "dates". And he sometimes makes jokes or comments that would be appropriate when talking to a buddy but that you probably wouldn't say to somebody you want to be in a relationship with. And he never asks me personal questions. He is quite interested in my job situation (probably because he basically lives for his career), but he never even wanted to know what my kid's name is for example.

[nolanola]

@TooMuch2Ask, that is great!! I'm glad to see that you are doing well. Not seeing them as much definitely helps to move on. I am doing so much better without seeing my ex, although with this trip looming he has been weighing very heavily in my mind lately.

 

In the past few weeks, I had been feeling so good about things for the most part. Some days I would feel down, but I was feeling confident going into the trip. Thinking that I would like to treat him like any of my other male friends that I've traveled with for years. I spend a lot of time with them that week and we have a great time hanging out every night, but I don't talk to them a whole lot in the year in between. We all go back to our lives. So my plan was for that to be the way that I treat him.

 

Last night, I couldn't sleep and laid there for a long time thinking about him and how it might be on the trip. I agree with you, I think he will be friendly and likely try to sweep everything under the rug. I think I feel foolish sometimes that I put my heart out there and laid bare how upset I was and how much he had hurt me. But at the same time, I am so glad that I did. Because he needs to know. And the best outcome I can think of is that I let him know and he can sit with that, but I will try to appear as if I have moved on. I will probably be acting my a** off in the first day or two: fake it til you make it.

 

@LauraXX, I think yg sounds promising, but he definitely sounds immature. I've not dated a much younger guy before. Marathon guy is 3 years younger and that is the youngest. At this phase in my life, I know that I wouldn't be able to have a meaningful relationship with someone really young unless they exceptionally mature. But he could be just the antidote for you for your ex. Meaning, he doesn't have much long term potential but lifts your spirits and makes you feel attractive and wanted. That is not a small benefit. Sometimes I wonder if I wind up being so attracted and connected to men not because I like them, but because I like the way they make me feel. I only worry that you will get emotionally invested in someone that isn't emotionally capable of fulfilling that role for you. Meaning, he is a great distraction and fun, but won't be the one you call when the car breaks down and you have a bad day and need support.

 

Marathon guy and I are supposed to go out this weekend for our 3rd date. We had tentatively planned something for this past Tuesday, but he couldn't meet until later and I had to be up early on Wednesday. He texted me late in the evening and thanked me for being understanding about rescheduling and added the blowing kisses emoji. That struck me as a little odd, seeing as we have not even kissed yet, but I'm just going with it right now. I am trying to be open to him -- in my past relationships, I have acted on instant chemistry and that hasn't worked out for me very well.

 

My Dad is getting the results on his PET scan today to see if his most recent chemo was successful, so it is a stressful day.

[Twizzlestick]

Hi all. Writing this from Africa as away with work.

 

Well I did the right thing. I didn’t contact her on her big birthday. It was mega hard. i just wished her well in my head.

 

I’ve been in NC since the day I left in Feb. Over 2.5 months now. I know my being in NC was angering her as she kept posting pointed “memes”. I did check from time to time on social media. I know you’re not meant to but we all have our sins.

 

Well I think not wishing her happy 30th really made her mad as the memes started to become more pointed. One about people should be kind by sending a message, checking she’s ok etc. This kind of thing continued. Her sister even started doing it. I just ignored it and carried on with my grind.

 

Well this last weekend at Easter. Bam! She unfriended me off everything online. Then a day later. Double strike, she went further and then blocked me! WTH? For the time being on Facebook she hasn’t kicked off my mum and sister off. Her sister is also still on my own friends list. So her sister is able to still view my Facebook.

 

This is 5 months after the break. I’ve just been in NC, minding my own. Getting on with my grind. I’ve posted online my things I’m doing. I’ve never been angry. Actually confident and positive, to an observer as if nothing happened. Rather just me out and about. I’m quite annoyed as was going to post my kite surfing up as she always knew I wanted to try it out. Too late.

 

I have not reacted in anyway to this latest bizarre and painful set of monkey antics. I don’t intend to. I’ve not moved an inch. All the videos and online advice suggest blocking comes after you pushed it too far or were harassing. Non of which applies to me.

 

In my case the opposite! I didn’t do a thing wrong. It seems my ex gets madder the more I’m doing NC. Inside I’m screaming to say I’m only doing it to protect myself and that the door was always open. But she doesn’t work like that. It’s as if she were a victim, a prisoner, unable to see the outside world, furious that her callous stone hearted ex won’t come and visit during visiting hours.

 

I have a strange ex who seems to react to NC weirdly. Anger. I was hoping she’d be happy I’ve left her at peace and also view my online examples of what I’m up to with curiosity, not go mental angry. Oh dear. It’s quite clear now the narrative she’s selling herself is that I’m a pariah and utter bastard for leaving on good terms and never ringing and ignoring her birthday. Maybe she’ll calm down. Maybe not. It’s 5 months in and she’s getting worse and I’m just getting on with it.

 

She’d have a mountain of pride to climb over now after this little situation she’s created for herself before reaching out.

 

Such a shame. We had zero bad vibes when we broke up. I just went NC.,

Edited April 23, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Beachead]

@Twizzlestick

 

She wanted out, she got her way and now she's upset because she doesn't like the reality HER decision.

 

Good. Let her pout.

 

You did nothing wrong mate. If she wanted to end it, that's fine..but when it ends, nobody owes anybody anything. That's what a breakup is. If she didn't want that, then she shouldn't have ended it with you. Shattering your heart and then expecting you to get over your heartbreak on her terms is unreasonable.

 

Remember, don't get caught in the power battle because the things that you do might end up becoming all about pissing her off instead of doing what's best for you. So just keep on putting your focus on you. It's good she blocked you. You don't have to see her post breakup life. And if you meet someone new, you don't want your ex lingering around, occupying space in your mind and life. It complicates things. Plus, because she blocked you..it now means unblocking you and reaching out to you again is going to require her admit she made mistakes. She's going to have to get over her big giant ego to do it..if she ever does.

 

You're better off for this. The more you keep on living well, the more you're going to realize it.

 

- Beach

Edited April 23, 2019 by Beachead

[Twizzlestick]

Cheers Beach, wise words!

 

My thoughts exactly. I sat on my hands after she did it. I’m showing zero reaction and just carrying on as per. I’ve asked my Mum and sister to not react as initially my sister said “right I’m kicking her off!”. Luckily I nipped that in the bud.

 

She can stew in her own beef stew. Unless she persuades her sister to unfriended me she can always access what I’m up to and see my bits and pieces getting in with life through her sister. Plus my insta is public so any old person can view it.

 

One thing I’ve learnt in life is what seems a big gesture at a time often wears off.

 

One thing that occurred to me is I wonder if she found out I was on tinder and that sent her nuclear? I have no intention of starting a new rele yet, just joined to nosey. That said we live hundreds of miles apart outside the range you can set on tinder. All her mates live near her so would be a fluke if one of them found me on it.

[Beachead]

@Twizzlestick

 

Maybe it was Tinder, maybe it was because you didn't message her on her birthday. No matter what it was..she chose this and she knows it.

 

..and now because of that choice, she feels the gravity behind what a breakup really means. Her ex is miles away, talking to other women on Tinder and likely other dating apps (As far as she knows), slowly beginning to get over her, slowly moving forward in his own life..and all she has regarding him is what she sees on her sister's social media account.

 

But remember, her reaction isn't because she wants you back or anything to that effect. She was already planning her way to the next man anyway. Her reaction is because you blew a gigantic hole through her ego. This is simply a bump in the road for her which she'll get over. Continue to operate with that mindset to keep yourself grounded and continue to focus on you. When you get weak, remember to journal, talk to a close friend or family member or use LS.

 

You're doing all the right things. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

Edited April 23, 2019 by Beachead

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

I hope you made it safely to the first leg of your trip. I think you said it was this week. I also wish you an amazing time there because I know you will do great things! I am looking forward to hearing about how it went when you return and if your ex was there or not, etc. How did your dad's PET scan go?

 

 

 

 

@twizzle

 

 

I agree with beached - she is acting like a child who lost the toy it decided not to play with anymore. So immature. Stay the course and stay strong. You staying in NC is about you anyway, not about her or her reaction to it. It's providing healing for you! It seems like you've come a really long way!! Kudos to you for staying strong and not wishing her a happy birthday or having a knee jerk reaction to her blocking you. Most people would have and then felt terrible afterward because it wouldn't have warranted the response they were hoping for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

@laura

 

 

How are things going???

 

 

 

 

@beached

 

 

Your posts are always so great and helpful! And when I see your name it makes me think of my favorite place in the world lol!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

As for me, I'm doing well. Still only talking to my "ex" in passing at work. There are good days and bad ones. It seems to get better and easier every day. I am hopeful that he won't try to rope me back in again but I won't go back even if he tries. It will just be easier if he doesn't try lol! I'm really looking forward to starting my new position in a few weeks and hoping that creates even more distance between us. The weather here has been amazing so I'm trying to spend as much time as I can outside and with my kids/family/friends so I've been staying busy (which is alwaysssss helpful). I know it's not spring for everyone reading but hoping that wherever you all are that you're coping and hanging in there. It's definitely easier for me when it's nice outside, etc.

[nolanola]

@Twizzlestick, I think you are doing SO well. NC, is of course, for you to heal and move on with your life. But oftentimes it affects your ex too, because they are used to getting a certain response from you. I am going to make an educated guess that she blocked you because you didn't wish her a happy birthday. She can tell she's losing you and your interest in her and she's angry that she can't control you. She might not think about it that logically, but that's what it is. She wants to know that should her current plan (playing the field, dating around) doesn't work out, you will be there to cushion the fall.

 

I congratulate you on maintaining your NC and in maintaining your dignity. She might not like what you're doing, but she will respect you -- trust me. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. I reached a point of feeling about 100x better after about 4 months and it has gotten better every day. It will keep getting better for you too.

 

@TooMuch2Ask, thanks for checking in on me. I am actually leaving tomorrow. I have been feeling pretty good about things. My therapist commented that my energy has been good, along with my confidence and I am hoping to keep it going. My current plan is to greet him warmly when and if I see him there and to then put him in the same category as anyone else and treat him accordingly. I hope I won't falter when I see him. I am also hoping that when I see him it will drive home that I am in a much different place than I was a few months ago.

 

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me if I thought that I could think of him as a friend. I said I don't know. Would I like for us to be friends? I don't know. I miss him in my life and I'm sad we aren't friends anymore, but I am still hurt by what he did and how he couldn't be honest with me. Maybe someday when I have forgiven him.

 

My Dad's PET scan looked good, according to what he told me. I am so happy to hear that. We are trying to set up a family cruise for August and I'm so relieved that he will hopefully be well for longer. Of course, we don't know how long this will last, but for now I can breathe.

 

I went out again with marathon guy on Sunday and I found myself being quite attracted to him. I don't know what changed because I wasn't sure before. But he was sitting there and talking about his work and I started wondering if he might try to kiss me at the end of the date. And thinking I would like him to. Somewhat confusingly, he didn't and I've spent a few days wondering why he didn't. It's a nice distraction from obsessing about my ex. And honestly, if he (marathon guy) wants to take things slow, I am totally ok with that. My last few relationships have started at warp speed and I now see that those men were ultimately emotionally unavailable for various reasons. They rushed in and then, once things got serious, it's like they looked around and said "whoa, when did this happen" and backed out. So maybe a better and healthier behavior for me is to go very slow and get to know marathon guy before I dive in.

 

Seems like most people are doing well. It really does get better if you stay NC. I hate that it takes months of sucking, but it does get better. I'm sure I'm not completely and totally healed but I feel so much better than I did and it seems like a lot of other people are getting there too.

 

Will update as I'm traveling and when I return.

[CPpanther]

@nolanola

Good luck and have fun on your trip! I hope you will be able to stick to your plan and that you will feel good about doing so.

 

I have been having a hard time not reaching out to my ex lately. I just want to tell him how angry I am, how I didn't deserve to be treated like this and that I hate how his actions are affecting the way I (don't) trust most people right now. At the same time I want him to regret his actions and decisions and then I want to tell him how he just messed up and I don't want him anymore.

I am trying so hard to not contact him because I will just be making a fool out of myself..

[nolanola]

@CPpanther, oh my goodness, I relate to everything you wrote SO much. I have had those exact same thoughts!! Sometimes I still get really mad at my ex for how he treated me and how callous he was. I want to yell at him and try to make him feel bad. But we both know that if we did those things, it would only push them further away and would make us angry if they don't respond in the way we want them too. My grandmother used to say "never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it". That's how I feel about this: you can't use your emotional energy to come at your ex. No matter what they say, you will likely not feel better and probably, after a little time, you will feel worse. And like you say, feeling like a fool would be THE WORST. At least now, you feel what you feel, but he doesn't have a clue.

 

I know it's lame but I think the best revenge is to let them lay where you left them. Let them wonder where you went, why you haven't tried to contact them, if you've forgotten them, if you've moved on and so on. Let them have the realization that you are gone on their own. It will have a far greater impact than if you try to rub their face in it.

 

I totally feel you. Even though I am in a much better place than I was when I started this thread, I still have days where I get so angry that I wind up in tears. Someday it won't be that way and I will only think of my ex in passing and wonder what he's up to. How long have you been NC? I think it took me a good 2-3 months to start having some good days (as crappy as that is) so don't despair if it feels like you're never going to get better. YOU WILL. Anytime you feel like you want to contact him, come on here and I will talk you out of it!

[nolanola]

Well, I should have known it would not last. I was feeling SO good about everything. Going into my trip thinking that I was ready to deal with him again, to face him and to not let it affect me.

 

I am actually leaving today, in a few hours. I got a text from another trip friend of mine a while ago, just saying that he was looking forward to seeing me (we are totally platonic friends). I wrote back and we went back and forth for a bit. He asked about one guy, if he was going and we were talking about that. Then he said that my ex was not going on the trip. I was surprised, because the last I had heard, he was planning on being there. He was on the preliminary list of people that were going. I said something about it and my friend said that he had just texted my ex and that he had said he was going to try to go in June (I guess by himself) instead.

 

My immediate reaction was disappointment. Which is weird, because you would think I would be relieved. But I think I was so hoping that this would be my chance to get closure, to be able to interact with him in a positive way and to maybe let him go with some positive energy. And now it won't happen. I had a very strong urge to contact him and to be honest, I am still feeling it a bit. Please, someone talk me out of this. I don't know why I want to do this. I have not been back to his girlfriend's facebook page, but I did go to his company's page. There were some pictures of him at a year end banquet thing and she had "liked" the pictures, so I am assuming they are still together. So why would I want to try to put myself out there again? And even so, as I had ignored his last message, he might just ignore me in return if I tried to say something to him.

 

Ugh. This is as bad as I have felt in a really long time. As much as I know it's probably for the best that we don't see each other, I think I had spent so much time kind of considering my strategy for seeing him that now I feel a real let down. And disappointment that I won't get a chance to get some closure for myself.

 

Could use some encouragement if anyone has any to spare.

[Morello]

Don’t contact him. One thing that we tend to disregard when we’re making those decisions is about how it will affect our self-esteem in the medium-long term. That’s why we have so many people here saying the feel ok right after breaking NC, just to return a few days later to say how they wished they never did it. You’re just giving him more power than he already has. He’ll be sitting having his ego boost because you showed you still care. And what do you get in response? Maybe a lukewarm or evasive answer at best. Or he might say that he’s not going because of you which ma make you feel even worse.

 

The point you really want to get to is indifference, isn’t it? So why not at least pretend a bit that you’re indifferent right now? Fake it til you make it. Contacting him may soothe your anxiety in the first few moments but then it will just make you feel worse later.

 

With NC, I think there's a good rule. Whenever you're in doubt, don't contact them. Even when you're sure, think about it at least for a few days.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

The closure is there already for you my friend. It's in the fact that nothing happened between you guys, despite 2-3 years of history, he ended up choosing not to commit to you and choosing to be with someone else. Choices.

 

Remember, you are an addict looking for some way to get that fix and right now, your mind's trying to get that done...trying to do anything it can to twist you up inside and make you believe that somehow connecting with this guy (Your drug) one more time is going to make it all right.

 

It won't. If anything, it'd give you more to dwell on. More to think about in the night. Him not going is a blessing in disguise for you.

 

I never got to goodbye to any of my exes either. One day they were there..and one they weren't. Only proof they even existed was the pain in my heart. For the longest time, I wanted to talk to them one more time..just to tell them. Tell it all. Sometimes even now. But at some point, I always snap out out of it when I realize, what's the point? If they wanted me, they could have had me because they did have me..and they chose to walk away knowing that. I'd just be crawling back to that.

 

All the closure you need lies in the actions. The choices made. The silences. The things that never happened...and not for lack of trying.

 

- Beach

Edited April 26, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Thanks you guys. I needed to hear that. I did not contact him. I talked to my Dad about it for a long time and then texted a friend that knows both of us (although she is primarily my friend) and she told me not to go there. That was all I needed to hear, but seeing what you guys said just makes me know I'm doing the right things by continuing in NC.

 

I think one of the things that is hardest for me is that I don't like that feeling that someone is angry at me or upset with me. I don't know that he feels that way, but I feel like the dangling thing is that I ignored him when he tried to reach out to me last (which has been months now). I worry that he thinks I hate him or something and I don't like how that feels. I don't know why I feel this way. It doesn't make a lot of sense. It just is.

 

I know ultimately this will be for the best for me. I already feel a little bit of relief, just knowing that I won't have to be monitoring how I'm acting or what I'm saying all the time. I can just be myself and enjoy being with everyone else and doing the work that I enjoy.

 

Beach, what you said about him being my drug is probably true. He had years in which he could have made different choices and chose to put me more in the center of his life, but he didn't. We had some really great times together, but when it mattered, he backed out. A random text from me will not change that. I know you guys know this....I'm saying it more for myself than anything.

 

Morello, thanks for the straight talk. You are 100% right and I know this because in my previous breakup I would hate myself every time I broke NC and got some half-a** response from the guy. I'd resolve to never do it again and then I'd crumble again. When I finally took control I at least felt like I had held onto some self-respect, even if I was still hurting.

 

Another friend of mine suggested to me that I should think of him as if he does not care about me at all. That thinking that way would be like a slap in the face to help me move on. I don't know if I can do that. What is your perspective on your exes, when you think of them? It is still really hard for me to think that he doesn't care or that he never thinks of me -- maybe someday I will have some indifference as Beach suggested and it won't be a thought.

 

I'm actually on the plane right now. I can never sleep on a plane so I'm writing out my thoughts instead. Earlier, I texted marathon guy to let him know I was about to take off. He is also on his way out of town today for the weekend. He wrote me back right away and sounded really happy to hear from me. It struck me that I am spending a lot of energy on a guy that treated me so callously when I have another guy that wants to spend time with me. I don't know what this says about my self esteem.

[Endnote]

Hey @nolanola, I'm sitting here in Africa right now, have thought of my ex every day. That's how it goes though. I've always thought of my exes (after time goes by) in the sense that I wanted them in my life because we added value to each others' lives. It was mutual. I value myself enough to know that I value patience both with myself and those I'm with or courting.

 

When it comes to my recent ex I valued her during the relationship but I no longer value her in my life anymore, even if that means I have to think of her daily and sit in the pain of moving on for a long time. It seems pretty cur and dry but in retrospect i did value my time with my exes but I know I've come to value myself much more than I did 15 years ago before I went through any of this. All because of what I went through. Hard times create strong people I've heard, and I agree.

 

I hope your trip goes well, be glad he wont be there, and be glad you stuck to NC, honestly if I was in your position and my ex would be around me consistently or even an hour I would not be happy. I'll update more on my situation once I'm back from vacation, I'm off to the middle east tonight. Stay safe!

[Twizzlestick]

 

Could use some encouragement if anyone has any to spare.

 

Hey Nolanola, what you describe I so get. That feeling of disappointment and come down. It’s like you realise that your mind had quite a thing hanging on a certain upcoming chain of events, or a direction. Yourself and the folks on here gave some stunning advice re my being blocked.

 

What you described sums up my feelings, that there was on going interaction at some minor level. In my case being able to show my life doing things that aided my feeling positive via a tenuous online link, in yours a final positive interaction on the trip. When it gets scuppered, in my case blocked, your case he bails on the trip, the rug gets pulled out from our mind’s little daydreaming session and we feel a bit lost for a second.

 

It’s like these things were a nice little distraction. We’re still vulnerable. These little things are the minds grappling hooks as it scales the mountain. Methods of coping and distracting.

 

The emptiness I think is just a jolt. It’s temporary. The need to reach out after something that catches us out - so been there. It’s when we feel a bit low, needy or whatever, usually triggered by some news, something we hear about our exes or something that happens in our world that challenges us a little bit. My counsellor says when we even feel unwell (say got a cold for example) we’ll feel the need to reach out as we feel needy (in the real sense, not pejorative dating world sense). It’s linked to primordial psychology when we feel vulnerable. So, you don’t actually want to reach out, it’s solely, temporarily your mind feels vulnerable and needs a grappling hook, a rescue, a fix. Remind yourself that in a week your mind won’t need that and you’ll be so relieved you didn’t crack.

 

So this will pass. You’re strong. Look at the advice you gave me. Read it back as if it were for you. Honestly, your self esteem and strength will thank you for not reaching out, going on that trip without the presence of someone else of such low value to qualify your enjoyment of the trip. Have that mindset “you know what, I’m going, enjoying myself and so what if “Mr Who?” Doesn’t go on it”

 

Also, you’ll never be able to see this as we can’t view parallel universes, but I bet it’s better he’s not on the trip, you could’ve been downright miserable seeing him. No better off for it. Let him jog on.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Twizzlestick