Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[nolanola]

Thank you everyone that commented. You have no idea how much your kind and thoughtful words mean to me sitting here in my bedroom. Everyone that spoke about self love, of course you are right. I am still struggling to understand what that means in action. It's one of those things that everyone knows they "should" do but it's the "how to" I'm struggling with. I think, like so many of us, I am quick to believe the things that people say that have a negative component or a negative aspect. I can believe the positive things too, I suppose, but they don't seem to stick as much as the negative. And I definitely think I give a lot of attention to people that don't deserve it or can't be what I want them to be. This is a lack of self love, I'm sure - as well as some weak boundaries. It's very much a work in progress. I envy those that seem to have this down and don't seem to be rattled by the things that other people say or what they might mean.

 

I randomly got a text from marathon guy last night. I thought for sure I would never hear from him again, to be honest. He sent a text saying he was sorry for last night (Monday). He said he enjoyed spending time with me and talking to me and that he was just "bad at putting the moves on you". I had no idea what to do with this at the time, but as I thought about it overnight, I think he's just showing the same behavior as he did on our dates. Of course it's scary to "put the moves on" someone, but this just makes him seem really passive. And this is not an attractive quality. I wrote him back and said that I understood and that I appreciated the explanation. Then I said that perhaps we are just meant to be friends. I'm fine with it actually. It's disappointing that he wasn't "the one" but I also know that he's not what I want. Not the way he's acting currently. I am glad we didn't rush into things and I was able to keep some distance to see things as clearly as I can.

 

I am still talking to a few people on Hinge and I guess I will see where that goes. I think I would be open to going on more dates. I'm not so optimistic at the moment, but I do feel like the more I have new experiences with new people the more I move on from the bad feelings around my ex. And maybe the more I exercise my boundaries (avoiding people that aren't what I want) the more I'll be able to love myself.

 

I am proud of myself that I have stuck to NC, even when I've wobbled. I know I'm moving on, even if it isn't in a straight line.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

I'm glad you decided he wasn't for you.

 

Also, I get it. I preach self-love as well as I believe it's the next best thing for people like us but am well aware it doesn't give that instant gratification that being with someone romantically would. It feels good to have someone else check up on us for once and to show us love rather than us doing it ourselves all the time. It feels good to get that call from a special someone in the day or at night because they just wanted to see how our day was going, or to have someone to go back home to after a long, hard day. Someone to fight with. We're human. We desire companionship, closeness.

 

And sometimes when you see everyone else around you with that while you're single..it weighs on you. Makes you feel like..when is it going to be my turn?

 

I know I certainly long for it but since there's not much I can do about it..I try my best to accept my situation, live with the feelings, and make the most out of my life. That's all we can do and I am sure you are doing that.

 

- Beach

Edited May 16, 2019 by Beachead

[Iamyoungjuan]

Hey I’m not new to this thread but I been reading it and I’m going through a tough time too and I kinda Need you people because I have nobody to vent too

 

My wife of 10 years left me for someone else 7 months ago I tried all the begging and pleading thing but that didn’t work we stayed in contact the whole time but she recently told me that she has no feelings for me anymore and that she doesn’t love me like she loves her new boyfriend so I been trying to stay no contact I’m currently on 14 days no contact she has been trying to contact me but I been ignoring her I feel like if she not trying to work on the marriage then it’s best I move on

 

One of the reasons I feel that it’s taking me so long to move on is because over the last few months she has been breadcrumbs me even last month she sent me texts saying she miss me also cane and spent a night with me all while she has a boyfriend I’m really trying to move on at this point and need some advise on what can I do to move on

 

Thanks in advance

[Beachead]

@ Iamyoungjuan,

 

You have a great grasp on your situation and what's going on within yourself which gives you a good start on things. Being able to see things for the way they are means you can start figuring out the right steps to take to get you out of this rut.

 

Decisions to end relationships don't occur overnight. They brew over months until they're ready to end it. In that time of brewing, they weigh out the pros and the cons of the relationship and assess whether they can make this work or not. At some point, it's over in their head and then it takes a little more time to prepare for a breakup. A lot of people start lining new partners up at this point..in the relationship. That's how they can appear to move on so quickly. If they're cold and rude to you after the breakup, it's because they were relieved to end it. No more lying to themselves. No more lying to you. They can finally be themselves and live freely. But this is new to you, and in your shock and pain, you need answers. You need to talk and you still believe that things can be mended. They don't. They just want you gone because seeing you or hearing from you reminds them of what they did. So the more you push, the guiltier they feel about themselves and the colder they can become.

 

Having said that, most dumpers still have to get over the attachment or the routine of being with their partner. They have to unlearn habits and disconnect from memories still. For example, if she drives by a landmark that reminds her of you, sees a restaurant where you two had fun at, it'll trigger. If her boyfriend does something different from the way you used to do things or they have a fight for something you and her might have been okay with, it'll trigger. Little reminders of you bumping into the walls of her mind, triggering her here and there. It doesn't mean they want to get back together..it just means you're not giving her that fix of attention anymore and she hasn't learned how to live her life without it..yet. And that's when you start to get the "I miss you" and the one night mistakes. They taper or ween off of you over time until they're completely done so they don't have to feel sudden withdrawal. The breadcrumbing is sign of that tapering process...those little messages that lead to nowhere and make you wonder..wtf is the point of telling me this?

 

In this process, your grieving and healing is prolonged and delays that moment in time where you can start to feel good on your own again and eventually feel ready to be with someone new. If you're mind is fixed on her, you won't think of anyone else. So long as she constantly pops back into your life like this, you will remain stuck. If you want to get passed the heartbreak and have a future for yourself, you're going to have to cut her off.

 

You have to attack this like any other breakup. Detox and continue No Contact. If you have her on social media, get her off of it. She needs to be unfriended, unfollowed or even blocked. You don't want to see her life updates regarding how much fun she's having and who she's having it with. It'll hurt you and trigger anxiety. Box gifts and reminders of her and put it somewhere out of sight. Delete her number off of your phone. If you don't feel ready to get rid of it..then write it down on a piece of paper and stow it somewhere out of sight as well. Out of sight, out of mind. When you do this, you'll set the conditions for your healing to eventually begin.

 

Right now, you haven't let her feel the reality of her decision yet because you're still responding to her. She knows why you respond too. She knows she has control of you. She knows, if she wants to meet, you'll accept it. If she calls you, you'll pick up. If she texts you saying she misses you, you'll respond. You're there..available. Even if you say no, she knows, all she has to do is turn on a little bit of the charm, and you'll fold and give her what she needs. You have to stop all of that man. By being around, you disrespect and devalue yourself and you coincidently teach her to do the same. Remember, this woman wanted to throw away a 10 year marriage with you to be with someone new. So, give her what she wants. Give her the lack of your presence in your life. Give her your silence. Nobody said anything about you having to be the training wheels on her bike. You don't owe her anything. This is how you handle people who do things like this..as difficult as it is and will be. The silence over time is going to do far more productive work than you than you could ever do being around her.

 

- Beach

Edited May 17, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

@Iamyoungjuan, I would agree with pretty much everything Beachead said. When our self esteem falls, we are willing to accept treatment that is less than we deserve because we're grasping to keep our ex in our life - after all, we get convinced that if we can just get them back, everything will go back to how it was when we were happy. But I completely agree that by accepting your ex's mistreatment, you're teaching her that she can do what she wants and you'll be right there. So she never has to face the reality of what she has done.

 

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a man. He was my first love and I was his. We never married, although we were engaged and were together for about 9 years. I loved him a lot but I was young and immature and I wanted to see what else was out there. Also, he and I grew apart and I was experiencing a lot of new things (moved across the country, was in graduate school, meeting tons of new people while he was in graduate school in another city). I broke up with him and really broke his heart. I knew I was hurting him and I felt terrible for doing that, but I always thought he would be around for when I was done seeing what else was out there. I know this doesn't make me sound very good, but I was in my 20s at the time and didn't have a lot of foresight. By the time I was done seeing what else was out there (which, at the time, wasn't much) I wanted him back but he had moved on and married someone else. I still regret how I treated him, over 10 years later.

 

I'm telling you this story because I think your ex is probably looking at things in a similar way. I don't think she is setting out to hurt and use you. I think she is being selfish and feels comfortable that even if you get upset with her, you won't go anywhere. So, if by chance, things don't work out with her new guy, she can fall back on you.

 

But you deserve so much better than that - we all do. I know how hard it is to cut this type of thing loose. I have been guilty of thinking that if I just "hang in there" that person will see how much I love them and they'll come around. Unfortunately, all that's ever done for me is to allow that person to treat me badly. There is a certain satisfaction in standing up for yourself, even if it's in a quiet way, like not answering her messages or calls. If she wants to break things off with you and tell you she doesn't love you like she loves her boyfriend (which is a really sh***y thing to say, btw), then she doesn't get access to you unless it's about a legal matter.

 

I'm sorry it's so painful. I can relate (as so many of us can). It does get easier as time goes by and you stay away from them. The questions are still there for me, but they start to recede as other things take precedence in my mind. You might want to search for @Endnote's thread about his breakup. He was married previously and his wife cheated on him. He has really good, really inspiring thoughts about how he dealt with it and was able to get his life back together.

 

 

 

As for me, marathon guy texted me this morning in regards to my last text. He said something about how he felt like he blew it on our last date and if I wanted to just be friends then he guessed it made sense - or something like that. I don't know if I want to say anything back or not. I hate doing this kind of thing by text. This just really seems like his personality - I'm still considering if I want to say anything back and what I would even say.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Thank y’all so much for the reply’s just hearing the things y’all was saying made me feel so much better and I hate to see all of us going through this

 

By the way she tried to call me three times yesterday she keep FaceTime me she also sent me a text begging me to answer my phone saying she just wanted to see my Face but I just can’t answer or talk to her because I’m afraid it’s gonna set me back

[Beachead]

@Iamyoungjuan

 

It's important you don't succumb to her.

 

So she wants to see your face huh? She didn't think about that before leaving you for another man and saying her love for you was gone. Let her stew in her decisions. She needs it. All this crying is just withdrawal symptoms from the attention you gave her. You've taken it away an now she realizes she doesn't have you in her back pocket anymore. Her anxiety has gone through the roof. But don't get too caught in trying to win. Get more caught in helping yourself move forward. If she's worth considering a second chance for, she'll woman up, admit her mistakes and vocalize she wants to get back together. All this half-measure breadcrumbing isn't going to cut it, be it 10 years marriage or not.

 

Re-read your original post on here about how she left you for a new man and told you she no longer loves you. Also consider she's with this new guy but sending you all these messages she shouldn't be which I am positive he doesn't even know about it. That's messed up. I want you to really dwell on that and let it fire you up because that anger is what you'll need in the beginning to help you get yourself back on your feet.

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

You may need to tell her what's going on - that you're taking a step back to separate yourself from her. It's up to you if you want to do this or not. I know it's hard to throw down the gauntlet and say that you can't talk to her anymore. This is really selfish behavior on her part - continuing to try to keep you in contact while dating someone else. What would her boyfriend think if he knew she was doing this I wonder?

 

Note I'm not saying she's a terrible person or anything, just that she's ACTING selfish right now. This is one thing my best friend started me thinking about. A lot of times, we want to cast our exes as terrible people, narcissists, liars, jerks, whatever. But oftentimes, the answer is not that they are terrible people, but about the choices that they made. Right now, she's choosing to be very selfish in how she's treating you. She's not considering how her actions are causing you pain.

 

One of the thing I would tell you is that it's ok to put yourself first and to do what you need to do to feel good. Boundaries are hard to set for yourself - I have a really hard time with this too. I worry a lot about how what I'm doing is affecting someone else. It's been a strange thing to do what is best for me, even if it feels uncomfortable. Right now, I'm struggling with this in regards to a guy I've been seeing (marathon guy). I feel terrible for not responding to his text from yesterday, but I don't know what to say to him yet.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

Well first, I'd ask myself what I want from him.

 

If you like him and are still considering something with him, then this is someone you want to be honest and communicate with. So, I'd tell him the truth. Him not following through with a plan after asking you out last week hurt you. You can state your reasons. Be kind but firm about it. See how he responds. Stay open and if things proceed well in that conversation, give him another try and see what he does then. Bottom line is his passiveness bothers you so if nothing changes, walk away. If he does better for a couple of dates but then goes back to his passive habits, walk away. If he changes permanently, you'll likely want to keep going, so keep going.

 

Take it step by step.

 

Now, if his behaviour turned you off permanently, you can give him a short reply telling him you don't wish to date him anymore or something along those lines. You could also not respond. He'll get the hint (Somewhat disrespectful but also the clearest answer you could give him which will not waste his time or yours and help the both of you move on quickly)

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Iamyoungjuan]

So I finally talked to her tonight It was a huge mistake now she saying she didn’t wanna see me talking about she’s in a relationship so if you in a relationship why are you still texting me and asking to see my face I finally told her that I appreciate if she no longer call or texts my phone anymore I told her that I will do the same

 

I will do everything in my power to not break contact with this girl anymore I’m right back to square one it’s like she won’t let me move on it’s 7 months in counting and I can seem to move on ?

[Beachead]

@Iamyoungjuan

 

This is why NC exists my friend. Because when you break that contact and go back, you wind up feeling like you do. Many of us have been there. I spent a hell of a lot of time suffering in my life because of these types. They all read from the same book. Do the same things. The way you deal with them is to cut it off and remove your attention. They wanted out, give it to them. They can do whatever they want, just not with you in their life. They don't get to have their cake and eat it too. I know that's not easy to do at all but it is nonetheless, what you have to do. It's not about winning them back. It's about helping you heal to get you back to a place where you can enjoy your life without them and be in emotional shape to meet someone new when they unexpectedly come your way. So long as you stay this mess though, you'll be in limbo for the rest of your life and that'll never happen. I'm telling you right now she is counting on your weaknesses to help her do her weening.

 

Today is a write off. Tomorrow is Day 1 NC. From then on, if you've got something to say to her, talk to a trusted friend or family member instead or drop it in here or the no contact/coping threads. Express all your feelings to anyone else but her.

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Iamyoungjuan]

Appreciate that I just don’t understand why she keep messing with me if you in a relationship there’s no need to reach out to me I just don’t understand why she won’t let me move on do I have to block her number or change mine

[Beachead]

Because she was with you for a long time and she's still used to you being in her life..it's hard for her in that regard. But make no mistake, that doesn't mean she wants you back. It just means she's still trying to learn how to be without you. Right now, your presence is the training wheels on that situation. Eventually she's not going to need you anymore and those training wheels will be removed. She will distance. Maybe even cut YOU off.

 

Now if there is some part of you that wants her back, the best chance you have is to remove your attention and cut her off. This doesn't guarantee her return. She could very well be done with you. In fact, as of right now, she is done because she's with someone else. Yes, she's saying all these things to you..but she's not leaving him to come back is she? And that's your answer right there. But, despite this..it will certainly give her time away from you to actually feel the gravity behind her decision and to reassess clearly what she did once that anxiety wears off and that is a good thing. But, as long as you're around, that'll never happen. You have to stop replying.

 

You don't have to block her number. Just write it down somewhere and delete it off of your phone so you don't have to see it anymore. Keep her off of social media, box her things and move it place out of sight as well. Proceed on the basis that, this is over. You two will not be best friends because you two were far more closer than that for a very long time. There's too much history and it will take a tremendous amount of time apart to feel okay being platonic around eachother again. Right now, there's nothing good staying in touch.

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[LauraXX]

Hello everybody,

 

Sorry for disappearing for a while. I took a conscious break off social media and then things got really busy at work and I just didn’t get around to it.

 

@nolanola: I’m glad that your trip went well and that you made it home okay. I totally understand your disappointment about your ex not being there. It’s very relatable! I’m also sorry about the marathon guy situation. But I think you handled that quite well. I don’t think that you owe him another response, but I agree with Beached: If you still consider him an option after all, there’s nothing wrong with giving him another chance.

 

I’m still seeing my young guy and if I had typed this post one or two weeks ago, I would have said that everything looks very promising with him. He’s met my sister and some of my friends (and they got along surprisingly well…); he’s showing more interest in my personal situation asking questions about my kid, whether I wanted to have more kids in the future (that caught me off guard), about my family etc. He also tried to see me more often (we usually have one fixed date every week but last weekend we saw each other three days in a row). I just had the general impression that he seemed eager to move things forward and that made me happy.

 

This weekend, I’m more pessimistic. One of the reasons is, that I still don’t think that he’s a good match for me and I’m worried that I might be wasting my time with him. There are so many things that I like about him. He’s funny, he’s attractive and he’s also really smart. But that somehow doesn’t translate into our conversations if that makes sense. I shouldn’t compare him to my ex, but I can’t help and remember the long discussions I had with him and how we could talk about art or literature or politics for hours. That doesn’t really work with YG. I don’t know the first thing about finance or economics and probably sound like a first grader when I talk about these things and he’s not really interested in the things I’m passionate about. So our conversations are usually quite shallow and that bothers me a bit.

 

Another reason for me being pessimistic is his behaviour in the past few days. His brother is in town and I had somehow expected that he’d ask me to come along and meet him. But he didn’t. He also had a bunch of friends over a few days ago and didn’t ask me to join. He facetimed with his mom while he was at my place and she noticed that he wasn’t at home and he just said “um, no, I’m somewhere else…” but didn’t explain where or introduce me or anything like that.

So, I don’t know. To be fair… I do have a nasty cold and a fever and I just feel very anxious and overwhelmed today. So it’s probably the worst time to start analyzing my dating situation (especially considering that I was in a really good place in the past few weeks and nothing significant has happened since). We’ll see…

[nolanola]

@Iamyoungjuan, You have to speak with your actions. Trying to understand why someone does or doesn't do something is a recipe for confusion and frustration. I can take a guess why she's doing what she's doing and I agree with Beachead - she is dating this new guy but doesn't want to take the full leap out of things with you until she's sure about him. That's pretty blunt and I'm not sure she's consciously thinking this, but that's what I think it is. How you respond to this means the difference between whether you give her more confidence to continue this behavior or not. I'm glad you told her you won't be answering her messages anymore. Good for you!! Even though you broke NC, I think it had a silver lining. Now you have to do what you said you are going to do. This is really, really important. If you go back on your word, she will know that you don't mean anything that you say and that she can manipulate you.

 

When you feel like you want to give in or back down, remember what Beachead said. You have to let her have what she thinks she wants. Let her see what life is like without you in it. I have screen shots of good advice I've gotten on here and re-read it from time to time when I either feel really low or when I need a boost. That might help you stay strong. I found the first month or so the absolute worst. It's still hard sometimes, but it gets much much easier as you go on in NC. It will take some time, because you guys were together and close for so long. I completely agree with Beachead. You might be able to be friends someday, but it's going to be a long time from now, probably after you've been able to move on too. Good luck to you and feel free to post when you feel like you want to talk to her.

 

@LauraXX, I think sometimes we can get involved with people that are good people, but maybe just not the best fit for us. Maybe young guy just isn't the right one for you, despite his many good qualities. Relationships inevitably move past the initial honeymoon stage and you need to be able to talk to each other. What is your gut telling you when you think about him? I think most of us know if we're comfortable with a situation if we really listen to ourselves. I find him not introducing you to his friends or telling his family about being at your house to be a concern. And I think you do too - I wouldn't pass it off as just a passing thing. Your gut is telling you that something is off and I think you should listen to it. You don't have to dump him, but you might want to think about having an honest conversation with him. It doesn't have to be some kind of ultimatum, but maybe just to see what his goals from the relationship are. Do they match with yours?

 

@Beachead, I don't know what I want. When I think about marathon guy, I do know I don't feel as excited about him anymore. But I don't know if he were to try and put more effort in that I wouldn't get that same feeling back? I don't want to lead him on. I also feel terrible about not responding as of yet. I am considering just telling him that his actions led me to believe that he wasn't that into it, but that I would be open to more if he were more proactive. I don't know.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Thanks for all the advice I’m starting NC over today and I’m on Day one I feel like I been set back to day one I couldn’t sleep or eat I’m thinking about changing my number I don’t want her to reach out with false hope again she did this twice to me and I gave in and when I did she was a totally different person she was begging to see me then when I talked to her one day later she was cold as ice

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

Being direct and telling the truth in your case is a good idea. Even if you're not sure how you feel about him yet, he still may become someone you consider being with in the future when you do figure it out. In the event this happens, wouldn't you want him to be someone you can be honest with? Why not start now? See how he handles it. A lot of people out there want to avoid unpleasant situations by not discussing what needs to be discussed and sometimes misunderstandings and miscommunication can lead to them missing out on something potentially good. If it doesn't work out, you now know for sure and you leave with with certainty. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I hope it does.

 

Something I do to help myself figure out when I'm on the fence is I think about how I'd feel if I suddenly had no access to them ever again. How would you feel if you sent him a message and he didn't reply or you realized you it didn't go through because he blocked you and now you couldn't speak to him ever again?

 

If you find you don't care too much about it, I'd say just leave this be. But if you feel a shock run through your heart, you'd might want to consider talking to him.

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Thanks for all the advice I’m starting NC over today and I’m on Day one I feel like I been set back to day one I couldn’t sleep or eat I’m thinking about changing my number I don’t want her to reach out with false hope again she did this twice to me and I gave in and when I did she was a totally different person she was begging to see me then when I talked to her one day later she was cold as ice

 

@Iamyoungjuan

 

Just remain in NC and don't break it. Everytime you do, you two will fight and it'll set you back again. Fair warning, the NC is going to get harder before it gets better and the benefits of it will take time to materialize. You're trying to learn how to live a life after several years with her and thus, have to reprogram your mind. While you deal with this, she's going to contact you and make it hard for you. She'll say all kinds of things to rile you up because she herself is not thinking clearly and wants you to engage with her to soothe the anxiety she is feeling of not having the familiarity of you around. You have to ignore it. Eventually when she gets the hint, she'll stop and then there's going to be silence between you two which will be the next challenge for you. You love her and are used to her presence in your life..even if you two are arguing, her presence is still there. It won't be at that point and that is when the gravity of this break-up will hit you full force. But the good news is, you'll have support and the help of people who know how to get you through it.

 

Think of a kid who goes off to college away from home. They need their parents in the beginning to help them get settled there. They feel homesick and it's hard for them the first few weeks..that is, until they discover the merits behind being away from home. The freedom, the new life. Suddenly, it becomes much easier. The comfort and familiarity you provide for your ex-wife functions in a similar way.

 

All in all, as long as she's with this guy, there's nothing more for you two to speak about. If she wants to get back together with you, she's going to have to break it off with him and arrange a face to face discussion with you about trying again. All this "I miss you, I need to see your face" bs won't cut it. Simple as that.

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Iamyoungjuan]

Beach You is giving out great advice I wish I would have started posting on here sooner I still love her with all my heart but at this point I just wanna move on you is right there is nothing else for me and her to talk about I don’t care what she text me anymore I will not respond

[Endnote]

@iamyoungjuan I am going to keep this simple, I would recommend you stop asking yourself why is she doing this to you and ask "why am I sticking around?". I see people all the time ask questions "why is he/she doing this?" "does this mean they want me back?" "is there any chance?", that sh*t doesn't matter, what matters is what are you going to do about it? Again, I'll keep it real simple, your wife has no integrity, and you're allowing her to act without integrity towards you. Just walk away. Get angry, get to healing and get away from this toxic bullsh*t. And more importantly, she left you for someone else (and you were married! If this was just a relationship that might be a little more understandable, but you both made promises to each other), that's low quality right there. If you value yourself you wouldn't accept anyone like that in your life. Don't ever go back. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Well, I drink Doctor Pepper, so maybe not.

 

 

 

@nolanola marathon guy isn't really helping his case is he? "I feel like I really blew it." No sh*t Sherlock! Lol! A little bit of alpha behavior would do him some good. If there's one thing I've learned about dating is that you never pull the sympathy card, especially in the beginning! It's like he wants you to feel sorry for the fact that he didn't have it in him to go for the kiss. It seems like you'd be better off with someone who wants to take the lead without being emotionally stunted/cut off. There's plenty of people out there friend, patience has worked wonders for me in the past, so don't get to down if thing keep going slow with those your date(s). That said, while I wouldn't respond to him, if you did I think being honest about it could give him some insight into what he needs to change to attract people. My two cents.

[nolanola]

I did answer him this morning. It didn't feel right to just ignore what he said. I said that I was getting the sense that he wasn't really into it or into me. I said it wasn't about "putting the moves on me", that I was fine in going slow, but that I wanted to feel like he wanted to spend time with me. He wrote back and said he had felt the same thing about me because it's been so hard for us to schedule dates. I'm thinking that maybe there's some hope so I replied that perhaps we were both misunderstanding each other, but that I hadn't intended my difficulty in planning days to meet up to indicate anything about my interest. But then he replied something about how it was hard for us to have any momentum because the time between dates was so long. Nothing about what I said about him showing more initiative. Sigh. I've decided to just leave it there. If he decides to be more proactive I would consider seeing him again, but this isn't doing it for me as it is now.

 

I think I wanted it to be "something" so I maybe gave him more leeway, but I'm glad I'm sticking up for myself now. These are the days when I can get pretty lonely but it's been a good day for the most part. There is another guy I've been talking to on Hinge, so far he has not asked me out so I might cut that off too if he doesn't get to it soon. It's funny...I'm not usually attractive to overly masculine men (big beefy dudes and that kind of thing), but having someone just put forth some effort or put himself out there just a little bit is really attractive and I think that's what I'm missing. I totally agree with you @Endnote - I could use someone with a little more "alpha". Not sure if this is what being on dating sites does - makes people lazy. It's been good practice, I think, for me to go out with some other guys. But maybe I should just focus on other things and let myself heal some more. I've never had much success online, mostly because the men I meet there don't seem to have that "spark" that I want. I've only found that in real life.

[Beachead]

Happy you got a chance to sort that situation out with Marathon man Nolanola.

 

Sounds like you're starting to get the wheels rolling again in the dating scene and that's a good thing. Certainly far more than what I've been doing in my own life these days.

 

Keep going

 

- Beach

[Iamyoungjuan]

So I get 3 calls and a text from her today saying it’s a emergency answer the phone

 

Didn’t I just tell her to stop calling and texting me she’s in a whole relationship she seem like a narcissistic

[Beachead]

@Iamyoungjuan

 

We expected this.

 

She just thinks she can push you around because of how you've allowed her to in the past. But now you know how you'll feel when you reply back.

 

Proceed as planned. Ignore.

 

Something you can do is to journal your thoughts onto paper. Just free write without formatting anything about your day and what happened and how you feel. You may be surprised by what starts to come out. With enough of these passages, you can start to sift through them and pick out patterns in your behaviour. Things that are reoccuring, things that have changed etc.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

@Iamyoungjuan, Ignore her or you're going to regret it. Remember how you felt when you replied to her yesterday. Go back and re-read your post if you need a reminder. Screencap it if you need to.

Emergency huh? I'll bet it is. The emergency is that she knows she's losing her grip on you and is freaking out and having a temper tantrum. Or something happened to her and she wants to turn to you for support - not something serious, but something like her car breaking down. Not your problem. If she wants to turn to someone, let her turn to her new man.

 

How old is your ex? Just curious, because she sounds incredibly immature.