Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[Iamyoungjuan]

TRust me I ignored her I don’t like that feeling of being set back I actually blocked her number I don’t wanna take any chances I wanna heal myself so I can go back to enjoying life again I know it’s gonna be a tough road ahead of me

[Iamyoungjuan]

@Iamyoungjuan, Ignore her or you're going to regret it. Remember how you felt when you replied to her yesterday. Go back and re-read your post if you need a reminder. Screencap it if you need to.

Emergency huh? I'll bet it is. The emergency is that she knows she's losing her grip on you and is freaking out and having a temper tantrum. Or something happened to her and she wants to turn to you for support - not something serious, but something like her car breaking down. Not your problem. If she wants to turn to someone, let her turn to her new man.

 

How old is your ex? Just curious, because she sounds incredibly immature.

She’s 30 but act like she’s 21

[LauraXX]

 

@LauraXX

What is your gut telling you when you think about him? I think most of us know if we're comfortable with a situation if we really listen to ourselves. I find him not introducing you to his friends or telling his family about being at your house to be a concern. And I think you do too - I wouldn't pass it off as just a passing thing.

 

Thanks nolanola, that is very good advice. In my head, having "the conversation" somehow equals setting an ultimatum. And I'm still quite traumatized about how that ended with my ex. But I need to know where he's at. It would be stupid to beat myself up about whether I want to or should be with him if he's not even considering anything serious to begin with. We started texting in January, had our first date in the first week of February. So we've been seeing each other at least once a week for almost four months now and I think it's time for some clarity

 

To answer your questions about my gut feeling: All is fine on the "attraction" or "chemistry" level I guess. I'm very attracted to him, I get butterflies in my stomach when he pulls into my driveway and it never gets boring with him (we do have conversations, they're just a little bit shallow ).

 

But at the same time, I can't say that I'm in love with him yet. It's hard to explain but he's somehow not three-dimensional to me if that makes sense. I knew much more about my ex after four months of dating and was head over heels in love by then and with YG I still have the feeling that we've just met and don't really know each other that well.

 

And I can't ignore the red flags like the ones I mentioned in my previous post. I don't even think that these individual situations would be a concern... but the big picture is.

 

So, did Marathon guy get in touch again after you texted him back?

[nolanola]

@LauraXX, I think you can have a "fact gathering" conversation with YG without ultimatums of any kind. Then you will at least be able to think about what you want to do with the information. There is also nothing wrong with a fling for fun if you think you'll be emotionally ok with that. Maybe kind of like a "palate cleanser"? I have a hard time not getting emotionally attached once sex is happening, but I know everyone is not like that.

 

I think marathon guy is gone. At least I am not expecting anything more from him. I did not answer his last text, mostly because I don't know what to say back to that. I don't have any ill will towards him, but I think he either doesn't see this going anywhere, isn't that interested, or is kind of passive as a person. I'm disappointed that it didn't turn into more, but not all that heart broken about him. I have been talking to another guy on there, but he seems to want to just chit chat back and forth for a million years without asking me out, so I might just let that go too. Sigh.

 

But, I went to my book club last night and enjoyed that. I also volunteered today and met a couple of really nice women. So I feel good about expanding my social circle even if it's not leading to the love of my life as of yet.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

You're doing just fine. Keep your head up.

 

I prefer a lot more alone time these days but I always find socializing and human interaction when the company is good, leaves you feeling a bit more energized. Stimulates the mind. You learn things. You improve your conversational skills. Makes the day go by smoother as well. Something you can add to your next date when it happens. All in all, it's a good thing in my books.

[Iamyoungjuan]

So a lil update 2 days ago she came to my house crying asking me did I wanna work on the marriage saying how she made a mistake and she know that she wanna be with me she said she told the new BF that it was over and she didn’t wanna see him again

 

She stayed two days with me brought all her stuff and today while at work she texted me saying she made a mistake leaving the new bf and says now she wanna be with him and how her family don’t wanna see her with me so I dropped her things off to her mother house I am officially going no contact again next time she pop up at my house she will not get in this girl have a problem

[nolanola]

@Iamyoungjuan, I don't know what to tell you. She will continue to jerk your chain until you refuse to allow her to. Mark my words, she will be back again. She will keep you stuck in her wake for a very long time if you allow her to do so. Meanwhile, your life never moves on.

[Beachead]

@Iamyoungjuan

 

Nolanola is right.

 

The next time she does this, don't let her in. Don't respond to her texts. Don't answer her calls. Don't buy into her tears or her bs. You gave her a chance and she shows how much that chance really meant to her, by leaving again. She blew it. Have you two separated or divorced? That's something that needs to happen for you to really move on from this. You have to be strong or else you will remain stuck.

 

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2019 by Beachead

[Iamyoungjuan]

We have talked about divorce I just asked her that a couple days ago she says no one minute then next time I talk to her she says she want one

 

She also told me that her mom and sisters don’t want her to be with me I guess for the things she was over there telling them which is all lies but I’m bout to really focus on moving on I’m not about to let her string me along anymore

[Iamyoungjuan]

On day 3 of NC and I woke up kinda stressed haven’t heard a peep from her since she left I know it’s for the best to not talk to her but I do love her and miss her and it’s really been bothering me that reason we really not together is because of her family

 

But I know things will get better and I will find someone better someday I just gotta trust NC and try to heal myself

[nolanola]

I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'll just say it @iamyoungjuan: the reason you're not together is because of her. You guys are married, it's not like you're causally dating. She made a choice to be with you by marrying you. Now she's decided not to be with you and to be with someone else. She could be with you if she wanted to. You need to take her off a pedestal. That will come with time as you realize the bad things about her. It's normal to paint her in a really positive light when you're missing her.

 

The worst part is the withdrawal from the person. I would suggest giving yourself a time frame to try to separate from her: maybe 30-60 days. Then try to figure out the divorce stuff - you will have to have to some contact with her with that, but maybe if you can be away from her and her games for a while maybe you can get some perspective.

 

I'm sorry it's so hard. I understand counting the days, but it does get easier and you stop counting so much after a while. I still miss my ex but it does get a tiny bit easier each day. Don't think about meeting someone else. Just focus on moving forward right now.

[nolanola]

I had another date from Hinge on Thursday. It was so bad. The guy seemed fine online and then when I met him in person he was so awkward. Or maybe it was just the lack of chemistry. He didn't ask me anything about myself for the first 15 minutes or so, just sat there and stared at me. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I had planned to meet him before I had to go to a work thing, so at least I had a good excuse to bolt out of there.

 

The date was so bad it made me start thinking about marathon guy and if he was really so bad. We haven't spoke in a few weeks and I'm pretty sure that's done. I didn't answer the last text he sent, mostly because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.

 

This afternoon, I just feel kind of down. It feels like it was so easy for my ex. I know I am just drawing my own conclusions from social media (not that I have looked in the past few months) but it seems like it was so easy for him to meet someone and get into a successful relationship while I'm struggling to find someone that fits. It makes me think it was me all along. After all, he's been married and I've haven't been. It's like there is something wrong with me that keeps me from being able to meet someone and to keep a relationship going. It's super tough and demoralizing to think about.

 

I tried to practice the things that I've been talking about (focusing on other things, making plans to look forward to, etc) but today it's just hard. I'm thinking about him a lot today for the first time in a while. Well, that's not true, but I'm thinking about this angle of things for the first time in a while. I hate that it's still so up and down. I keep telling myself that I need to be patient with myself (this is something my therapist says as well) but it's tough to do.

 

Why is it so hard to break that mental connection to someone? My rational brain says that it is over and therefore, it is best that he goes his way and I go mine. But it doesn't stop my heart from wanting any kind of sign from him that he ever thinks about me at all. The only thing I can hang onto is that he doesn't know if I ever think of him either. Just kind of a down day.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

By confession, I might be able to explain that.

 

I certainly miss my ex as well..or rather, I miss that beautiful lie I was living in. A time when my phone lit up and I'd see her name and my heart just smiled. Or finishing up work, knowing I wasn't going home right after because I had plans. The cuddling, the conversations, the pictures we took together. That feeling of having someone in my life that cared enough to see if I made it through my day okay and wanted a future with me.

 

Life has been great at times. I've laughed, loved, experienced and succeeded a few times. But, it has been tough, unforgiving, unpromising, and filled with a lot more disappointment, heartache and failure than anything. I've had to go solo for pretty much all of it. Believing my future could be bright, promising and fulfilling or that I have the ability to make it so, when this is the way it's been for most my life..is not easy.

 

With her, I felt secure, loved and validated and the tragedy was that person wasn't really who she was. It was a facade. The reality was she loved someone else and was never going to stay in my life anyway. The weak part in me would rather run back to that lie not because I miss her...but because that period of time with her was the last time I genuinely felt good and so during time of vulnerability and weakness, my mind drifts there.

 

But is it really about missing her or is it about not believing in myself? Perhaps, something here may resonate with you. It's may always be about them.

 

- Beach

Edited June 2, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

@Beachead, I'm sure it is a lot of that. Certainly, life seems brighter when you are falling in love or when you have that person to go to or to call. I'm sure that part of everything is a big portion of what I miss about him. I do think he is a good person in many ways and I do miss some things about him: inside jokes, hearing about his children, the way he made me feel smart and beautiful. But I shouldn't ignore the other parts of him that are just as much parts of him: the part where he would go cold and I wouldn't hear from him for a while, the part that was avoidant and didn't tell me the truth when I asked him if he was seeing someone. The part that made me cry many times over the years I knew him. I know I still have him on a pedestal. I don't know when I'll be able to get him off of it.

 

It's funny...with my previous ex, he had so many obvious flaws that just jumped out at you. After about 6 months after the breakup, I started feeling more disgusted by his behavior than anything. I couldn't think of very many good things about him. With B, he still seems like this amazing guy sometimes. I have to work hard to think of bad things, even though I know they are there. His flaws are just more hidden and less obvious, I guess?

 

Coming home tonight and getting ready for bed (I'm working tomorrow early), I feel ok. A little lonely but ok. I will just try to keep focusing on what I want in my life. I have a really wonderful and beautiful life in so many ways. Every time I come home and walk into my house I feel so lucky that I have so much. My job brings me fulfillment a lot and is challenging to me. I have a lot of opportunities though my work and I am really grateful. I have a family that loves me and supports me.

[Beachead]

Oh it most certainly felt brighter during that period of time for sure.

 

You weren't done with B yet. It went back and forth but nothing really materialized from it. Then he chose someone else and it broke your heart. You had hope. You functioned as a dumpee, but instead of being broken up with, were left in a state of limbo with doubts and this feeling of what could have been or what if. Unrequited love.

 

Recall all the bad things he did to you just like you did right now. But more than that, write down the way it made you feel because that's what will be meaningful to you. It'll remind you of why things didn't work out with him. Write it all down.

 

With my ex for example, she couldn't stop making comparisons between me her ex (Her husband now) even though many of them favoured me. I won't forget how she was just able to run back to him 2 days after we ended and how she cut me off, like I was nothing. This girl, who stood in front of me, telling me she loved me, doing me like that. I felt foolish and stupid and used and pathetic and I hated myself. Still feel it sometimes.

 

Anyway, good way to think about things. Stay strong.

Edited June 2, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

I felt foolish and stupid and used and pathetic and I hated myself. Still feel it sometimes.

 

Nailed it!

 

I feel that way a lot too, although it's getting less. I am very hard on myself in general and have a hard time forgiving myself for not standing up for myself sooner than I did. I also sometimes get in a cycle where I tell myself that if I had done things differently, maybe things would have worked out differently. But I am glad that I finally stood up for myself when I did, because I think that if I had not (or if I had responded the last time he tried to get in touch), he would still be reaching out from time to time. And I would still be sitting here pining over him while he was dating other people (which, I kind of still am, but at least he doesn't know that).

 

I also still care a lot about what he thinks about me. This is getting less and less too, but it's definitely still there. I think it's part of that pedestal thing.

 

I got a "like" from an interesting guy yesterday morning on Hinge. I wrote him back with a short reply but so far he hasn't said anything back. This seems to happen a fair bit on there and I think it's just part of the thing of these apps - people throw a lot of lines out there and then don't really respond to all of them. So many of the "likes" that I get are kind of icky (dudes being weird) so when I get one from a nice, normal guy I get excited and it's hard not to be a tiny bit disappointed when that goes no where.

[Iamyoungjuan]

It’s been really bothering me today I relapsed last week to see if she wanted to work on our marriage she said no that she was happy with her current boyfriend then she text me the next day asking me if I wanted her to come back for good I said yeah if you are serious about being with me and working on our marriage she never texted back I’m on day 4 of NC and don’t plan on breaking it this time it’s been 7 months since the breakup and I don’t wanna keep holding on to hope I just wanna be happy again

 

I lost my mom 3 years ago and my wife was all I had so I’m kinda lonely and don’t wanna be alone I guess that’s why it’s so hard for me to move on but she been treating me like a backup plan and I’m far from that I’m a number one option and I refuse to be second to anyone

[nolanola]

Has this ever happened to anyone? About a week and a half ago, I got a random text from a number I didn't recognize. It just said "Hello". That's it, just hello. I looked up the area code, because I didn't recognize it, thinking that would spur some idea of who was texting me. It was from upstate New York, which is where both my recent ex and marathon guy are from. I didn't answer it because I wasn't sure who it was but it's been kind of bothering me since then. It also kind of triggered me a bit because when my older ex got back in touch with me after 3 years of not speaking, he literally sent me a message that said "hello". It's probably nothing, right?

 

I have been doing pretty well, although I still slip from time to time. I was in Houston for the past two days and I think that (along with being tired from working overnight shifts) got me down in the dumps. My recent ex lived in Houston for a long time and I thought of him a lot.

 

You know what I realized recently? This hit me like a ton of bricks. I read the other woman/other man forum from time to time because (and I know this is terrible) it makes me feel better that I'm not in those situations. And the posters on there give really good, no nonsense advice. Good tough love. So I was reading a story about someone having an affair and the commenters were talking about how a married man will compartmentalize - when they're with the other woman, they can seem really in love with her but then they go home to their families and flip a switch. It's like they have two worlds.

 

The whole thing made me think of my ex. It's almost as if he was having an affair, although instead of being married (he was definitely divorced - I checked the public records when we started dating) it was like he was cheating on his kids and his life in his city. He definitely kept his two worlds pretty separate and I think he intended to keep it that way for as long as I would go along with it. It made me wonder if he has just started doing the same thing with his new girlfriend, as he doesn't seem to want to integrate her in his life either (the whole don't post my pictures on social media or use my name). In a way, thinking of him this way made me feel better, which is kind of weird.

 

This whole time I've been going over things in my mind and worrying that there was something I could have done differently. If I had said something different or stood up for myself more or something that things would have turned out differently. But thinking of him this way makes me think that this is just who he is: the guy that doesn't let people in and wants to have his home life (kids, his career, and possibly his relationship with his ex - I know that was pretty contentious for a while) and fun escapes at other times. It wasn't about me or what I did or didn't do.

 

When I feel strong, this makes me feel a lot better. When I don't (like tonight), I sometimes let my doubts creep in. But overall I think I'm doing better.

[sweetgirl75]

I am so sorry for what you been through. I am going two years NC and it is the best decision I have ever made. Take it one day at a time. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. You did the right thing. You will have days where you will think of him too much. Stay strong in your NC and remember the crap he put you through. That will help you keep focused. Don't let him talk to you when he feels like he can and do not be there for him at his terms. Make him feel that he has lost you for good because he has.

[nolanola]

Tears, @sweetgirl75. Thank you so much. I needed that a lot.

[sweetgirl75]

I was in a relationship for over a year and this guy dumped me when I was in the hospital. I hope I did not come across too strong. I am sorry if I did. I just lost some one to suicide and I am kind of a wreck. Forgive me if I sounded harsh to you nolanola.

[nolanola]

Not at all @sweetgirl75! Sometimes when I wobble it just helps to hear a supportive voice, so I really appreciate yours!! I'm sorry you went through that - sounds like you have been doing pretty good since then as you mention you've been NC for two years?

 

I know I will get to the point where it doesn't bother me at all. Already I have days where I feel happy to be removed from the feeling of "when will I hear from him" because I used to stress out all the time towards the end. So the absence of back and forth is a good thing. It just sucks sometimes to not have something to replace that with.

 

But, as I mentioned, having the revelation that how he treated me is probably just who he is was helpful. I don't think he is some kind of evil, terrible person, but he made choices that were selfish and as you said, he has lost me. Whether that bothers him or not, I don't know.

 

Thanks again for your words of support. I'm feeling much better this morning now that I've had some rest and the sun is shining.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

That's actually a very interesting way of seeing your situation and I wouldn't put it passed him. He obviously didn't feel much guilt for what he did, which means he managed to keep a part of him emotionally disconnected from you to some degree, while he was with you.

 

On a side note, I think it is entirely possible to plateau in our healing progress. Sometimes for months, maybe more. And it might take something specific to happen to us to change the way we approach our situation or the way we see them, and it helps get us out of that plateau.

 

For you, perhaps it's understanding what he may have been doing with you.

 

Those changes signify that we're still processing through our pain.

 

Sometimes, even I forget that I'm still recovering from what happened to me nearly 2 years ago. I've gotten so use to my mood being a 6/10 everyday that it's become normal to me. It's my 10 now. I went on a trip out to the west coast recently and had a great time. When I got back, I realized, the whole time there, I hadn't thought about my ex at all and that made me realize, I had been thinking about her everyday to some extent. It made me aware that I was improving and I can only improve if I'm still dealing with pain. So I'm not 100%, though the thoughts are for the most part so subtle now, that I barely notice them.

 

Tbh, I still wonder how my own ex and him and their marriage are doing after all this time, with this knowledge that she left him for another guy and was through with him at some point in her life. Could he ever really trust her? Is she really happy with him or did she just convince herself, she was, out of fear of being alone. I wonder how people get passed that.

 

- Beach

Edited June 16, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Thanks friend. Did you have times after those leap forwards that you fell backwards again? Even with that realization last week, when I was feeling like I had some clarity and peace, I still went into spirals of doubt this week. Perhaps it's all part of the process? Forward a few steps, back one or two, and then forward again?

 

It took me such a long time to get past my past relationship - it was a year before I felt any better and could see some sunlight. I very distinctly remember having dinner with a friend a year or two after that breakup when she casually mentioned him and it set me back for a while, I think a few days. So I don't think 2 years is at all unreasonable when you've been heartbroken. You've helped a lot of people here and hopefully that has helped some with your own state of mind as well.

 

Randomly, I thought I saw my older ex the other day. I walked into a shipping place and there was a man at the counter. From the side he looked kind of like my ex and my heart leaped a bit. He turned to look at me and I really thought it might be him. I haven't seen him in almost 9 years so I have no idea what he looks like now. The man had no sign of recognition when he saw me though, so it must just be some guy that kind of looks like him. It was a moment of gratitude on my part, because I seriously thought when he and I were breaking that I would never, ever get over him. I used to feel so powerless and stuck because I was so miserable. But now I am not only over him, but I don't ever want to see him again. It's given me a reminder that I can get over and past what I am dealing with now, because I have before.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

Thanks friend. Did you have times after those leap forwards that you fell backwards again? Even with that realization last week, when I was feeling like I had some clarity and peace, I still went into spirals of doubt this week. Perhaps it's all part of the process? Forward a few steps, back one or two, and then forward again?

 

Thanks Nolanola.

 

I've definitely been pulled backwards after momentary leaps forward in all my breakups so I think that's perfectly normal. It can be very up and down in the day to day and if you get caught up in that..it might almost seem like you're not getting better at all. But if you take a step back and think about how you were at Day 0 up to now, I'm pretty confident you'll see the forward, uphill progress you made (Like with your older ex). I know those downs really suck but they do force you to work through the thoughts that cause it, and that actually allows you to practice how to bring your mood back up. So you get better at doing that over time and the duration of those low points become less and less.

 

Another thing is, I think a lot of those lingering thoughts about my ex, stem more from other challenges in my life. Life kind of went sideways on me growing up and I've been trying to recover from it ever since. Career. Income. I am generally all around unsettled and it depresses me, though I know what needs to be done. I know I'm at a crossroads in my life and I've been standing their with a map, deciding which way to go for longer than I've wanted to. With that, comes fears, anxiety, indecisiveness. Can I see the kind of life I want? Am I too old? Did I see my best years go? So on so forth.

 

My ex represented a time in my life where I felt intimacy and companionship with someone who seemingly gave a damn if I made it through my day in one piece. Yea, life was challenging but atleast I had company during those weak moments. It made the day better. I know who my support system is and I commit to them wholeheartedly because I love them but, feelings and romantic passion and intimacy..it provides something I believe we desire deep down. For a guy like me who's flown solo most his life, it's that connection and intimacy I miss. But, I'm sure if i was where I wanted to be in my life, I wouldn't feel the weight of that as much. Being out in the west coast of the US, and travelling, definitely showed me that.

 

Point is, it's those kinds of deeper, internal issues that likely start to become more of a factor in the healing process later on and that may be something to pay attention to. What may be lacking in the other aspects of your life. What's going on inside.

Edited June 17, 2019 by Beachead